adjustedreality.com

Another day, another ramble.  Where will it go?  Who knows…

I’m feeling pretty cute today.  I have on a purple tank top (my love for purple shirts lately knows no bounds) that’s sorta long, a little past my hips.  Over it, I have a light, zip up black jacket that when zipped, only comes up to about my hips, so the tank top shows up underneath the jacket.  I’ve got my newest thrift store jeans on - size 7s (woo) which I always forget to wear because I think they’re going to be too small.  They’re a little out of style since they’re that medium washed color and everyone is all about the dark jeans lately, but they fit like a champ.  They are my new “hot ass” jeans - which, I’m sure you can infer, make my ass look smokin’.  Rounding out the outfit are some hoops from Target, a purple/grey/black beaded necklace I made myself, and a turquoise bracelet that was a birthday present from a friend.  Oh, and some Tommy Hilfiger black wedgie shoes (bout 4 inchers).

I love when an outfit comes together and I’m walking into work and see myself in the reflective door when I’m coming in from the parking lot and think to myself, “who is that babe walking behind me wearing the same outfit - ohhhh…wait that’s me….”.  The shoes give me the appearance of being tall (why oh why am I not 5′10″) and the combination of the jacket and tank make me look like I actually have a waist.  I don’t.  I haven’t taken measurements in a long time but I’d bet I’m 36 28 28 or something like that.  I am the epitome of an inverted triangle, and it takes a really good ensemble to hide that.  Today, I win!

I also love being thrifty.  The jacket and pants came from Savers, and cost about 5 bucks each.  The tank came from Academy and was 5 as well.  The shoes - well, those were 40 but that was a huge splurge and I’ve worn the crap out of them.  The ones I had on instead and changed out of (because I’ve worn them a few times this week already) cost 2 bucks.  Today sort of makes me want to clean out my closet and throw out everything that doesn’t make me feel this fabulous.

However, I am starting another clothing “experiment” next week.  Let me explain the set up of my closet.  My “shirt rack” has shirts arranged in two categories - hot weather (tees and tanks) and cold weather (long sleeves and sweaters).  Within each category, they are in color order, so each shirt has it’s place.  What I did last year at the beginning of each season was made a rule that I had to wear each shirt at least once before I could wear anything again.  This made me realize I totally overbought during the winter because I had shirts I wore only once.  This warm weather season, I’ve been lazy.  I’ve worn whatever I felt like, which makes me gravitate to the same 10 shirts or so.

Sunday, after all my laundry is put away in it’s place, I am going to count the number of shirts I have.  Each evening, I am going to have Zliten give me a random number, and whatever shirt that ends up being, I have to make an outfit around it.  I’ll make exceptions if I have to dress for an occasion (like I know I’m going to leave work and have to go out or whatnot).  Weekends will probably be just whatever I grab for whatever we are doing, like normal.  After a shirt is worn, it will be taken out of “play”, and cannot be worn again until I get through everything.  If I cannot make an outfit out of it (and it’s not for a good reason like I just wore the only two pairs of pants that go with it and it goes PERFECTLY with this skirt but my legs are like hairy monsters), it goes in the donate pile (which oddly enough, all ends up at my moms).

Why do I go through such lengths?  First of all, it’s kinda fun.  I went through so many years of dreading my closet, and so many days where I just wanted to give up and wear a mumu because nothing looked good.  Now, the fact that I can just rely on a random number generator and put together something cute - this is a little slice of bliss for me.  Second - I have a lot of shirts.  I’m going to say I could probably go about a month and a half without rewearing, and that’s just from my casual, non going out, warm weather shirts.  Oddly enough, I have way fewer pairs of pants - (about 12) and even fewer shorts (3).  Again, I have my favorites, but I definitely cycle through them regularly.  I have a large variety of skirts, but most of those are on the chopping block as well.  Most of them make me look frumpy now - which was ok before when I was hiding obesity, but now if they don’t make me feel fabulous, they gots to go.

Have I said that I love thrifting?  I know, I know, but it’s not just the money spent, it’s that I have very little attachement to these clothes.  I have my favorites, but if something doesn’t work, I have no problems giving away a 4 dollar shirt I had for a few months to make room for the next shopping trip, where I’ll come back with a lot more fun stuff to play with!

Okay, that’s enough - 900+ words on clothing?  Yikes.  Imma gonna take my smokin’ ass, big head, and overstuffed closet and try to get through the rest of the day and have a nice mellow weekend.  What’s in YOUR closet?  Do you play clothing games too or are you more like Zliten, who pretty much grabs for something with his eyes closed most days?  Do you feel fabulous today?  What’s your favorite outfit?  Any cool weekend plans?  Do tell, do tell.  And even if you don’t, have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you in June.  Which also happens to be my race month.  Eek, it’s almost upon us…*disappears to freak out*

Another “Stream of Conciousness” Post.  No guarantees whether it will be coherent or worthy, but up here it be goin’!

Sitting at work here, waiting to get the latest data for what I’m working on (which is about a short blog’s worth of time), I was thinking about work.  No, not my specific work to my employer’s dismay, but work and employment in general.

When I was little, I was exposed to a lot of cool things - so I never really had that_one_dream_job a lot of kids have growing up.  I loved my art classes, so I wanted to be an artist.  I loved gymnastics, so I wanted to be an elite gymnast and maybe a coach later.  I loved doing plays, so I wanted to be a famous actress.  I loved my dance classes, so I wanted to be a dancer.  I loved math and logic, so I wanted to be a math teacher.  I thought waitresses had awesome uniforms and thought it was awesome they could carry trays above their heads, so I wanted to be a waitress.  I loved to write, so I wanted to be a novelist.  I loved singing, so I wanted to be a rockstar.  So on, and so forth.

As I got older, some things fell off as dreams while others stayed.  When my body started falling apart and I quit doing gymnastics, I also started coaching kids.  That was the most demanding 20 bucks a week I have ever earned in my life, and I realized I wasn’t that into it.  I would always just want to be DOING and feel resentful that I was just coaching.  I waited tables through college and still to this day thank my lucky stars I have moved on.  Cool uniform and leet tray skills or not - working in a restaurant servicing picky customers and dealing with catty coworkers and asshole managers is not worth the short hours and potentially awesome tips (plus some days, the tips were very un-awesome).

My first year of college I tried exploring the actress, artist, and writer paths.  My major started as education (due to the myriad of awesome teachers I had in my school career, I wanted to follow in their footsteps), and I was looking for a minor.  The first art class I had turned me off completely on art at the college level.  My instructor - who was also the department head - had one rule in his class.  Everything had to be perfect.  One super glue line on the paper sculpture he had us make (required to be only using white paper and geometric shapes)?  Grade: B.  I did not want to deal with that schmuck for 4 years so art went out the window.  I took some creative writing classes and was always the star of the class (I know, what happened, right?) but the sheer amount of old literature classics I would have to dig through to minor made me cry - so there went my english minor.

Theatre however, was fantastic.  The first class was interesting, but the teacher let us know about auditions for the college theatre company.  On a lark, I auditioned, and I was in!  I caught the bug hard and did plays either on stage or worked backstage every single year.  I was able to fulfill a minor with mostly acting classes (and very little technical theatre which I was less interested in), so there I was.  Now, I just had to figure out my major.

I knocked out most of my basic classes the first year and took the first education class the second year.  It was so awful, and I found out what teachers made as starting salaries, and realized I didn’t have the passion for it I thought.  College professor - maybe.  So, the same semester, I took a psychology class and it fascinated me, so I changed my major.  After some great classes, I decided I wanted to stay in and get my PhD and do research (I loved the labwork).  Then, after a horrible process getting my honors thesis done, I decided I never wanted to go to school again and I’d take my chances with the job world after graduation.

My plan was to wait tables for a year then go back to grad school.  Getting a job as a waitress is harder than it looks when you have a degree - everyone thinks you’ll just leave when you get a real job.  The next part is history - got into the gaming industry (which I think I detailed before but if not, it’s a post for another time), and here I am.

I tried to pursue the admin part of the job (operations type things - being on call if something goes wrong at late hours and getting it fixed), I tried to pursue web design and art (those poor people that I kept sending my comics and resumes to when I worked at SOE…), and then finally fell in love with where I ended up - as main bannana on a little game where I could put my varied talents to use.  I was able to use my writing skills, to a lesser extent my art skills, my not-shy-to-get-up-in-public-and-make-an-ass-of-myself skills from theatre, and my logic skills trying to become one with schedule-fu and finding the most efficient and bang-for-the-buck way to do things.  It also piled a billion pounds on me and ate my life, but I can’t even hate it for that.

Now - I’m out of the limelight.   I am one of many on a team that has put out a pretty darn successful game, and instead of running the show - my boss’s boss is the one getting recognized (as he should be, it was his baby).  Some days, it gets me down.  It’s like being the only child that gets all the attention, and then your mom has triplets, and you’re all of a sudden chopped liver.  However, it’s made me realize something very important.  To be the best at something - to even attempt to be truly great at a young age - you must give your life to it.  You have to choose something.  If I would have picked gymnastics, I might have been in the olympics, or at least at a top college and then perhaps a world renoun coach/choreographer.  If I chose being top bannana, I would still be there, working 100 hour weeks, consumed by the game and appeasing it’s followers, up at night wondering how we could add subscibers and solve problems, pursuing raises and title bumps, and eventualy continuing what I was doing on a new game.

I still dream about some of those things, though.  I kinda feel like I had my time to pursue art and failed, but I still get the urge to paint every once in a while.  Beading necklaces sorta fills the artsy fartsy void.  I started this blog to coax out the writing - I still have aspirations about doing a novel some day, and I have never stopped writing (be it paper and pen, content for work, content for my website, or just livejournaling.  I have aspirations about auditioning for plays again - Austin has a great theatre scene and I’m actually pretty well connected through work and contacts I’ve made doing the voice over stuff.  I am really and truly someday going to get a keyboard, a mic, and some sound editing software and give being a rockstar a go, since I never did that.

However, this all takes time.  Right now, I get up around 8 am and I’m not done training/working/eating dinner until close to 830-9pm.  Then I have 2 hours to relax, and I get my stuff ready, go to bed, and do it again.  On the weekends, I have friends, fiance, and family that feel neglected during the week and want to hang out.  There’s laundry and groceries to get and meals to plan.  There is the ever-so-coveted bike ride adventures, ice skating, rock climbing, waterpark going, and other fun stuff.  In the background there is a to do list with stuff that rarely gets done.

So, at the heart of it, my life is so balanced, I don’t have time to excel at anything.  I work essentially middle management in a really fun industry for a successful game making a decent, living wage, but I leave work at work when my 40 hours are up.   I have great friends and family close to me who are always wanting to see me when I have time.  Plus, I make it a priority to keep myself healthy through workouts and food planning/preperation (though most of the cooking and cleaning is done by the fiance, I admit).  I am too busy being happy to be bothered being a rockstar right now.   And - I’m slowly becoming OK with that.

So I’ve realized that I have been a little hesitant to post here because I’m having issues coming up with *big* *important* *worthy* topics like I want to.  I have a post cooking about willpower.  I have a post cooking about my adventures in breakfast.  I just haven’t had the brain waves needed to put together much of a coherent thought.  I think I’m at the point of training where my brain is being eaten by running, so I just haven’t had much else to share.  So, I’m going to treat this blog as more of a journal for a few weeks - just let loose and get down what’s rattling around in my head.  So here goes!

I just signed up yesterday for the half marathon.  Somehow, it all seems more REAL and by that I mean SCARIER.  Not as if I haven’t been training for it and had it in my sights, but somehow paying that money and putting my name down makes something different.  13.1 miles?  In the Summer?   In San Antonio?  Argh…what was I thinking.  At least I did 9.3 miles in the heat Monday and I survived.

However, I am alreadyinsane and planning to start training in the fall (after a nice long summer break) for one in Austin in Jan or Feb.  I’m thinking one more half and then I might consider a full.  If my body hasn’t completely fallen apart and I haven’t learned to hate running yet, that is.  I thought I’d get really bored and find the long runs tedious, but they’ve been anything but that.  I’ve found that it’s a great balance of time to reflect about things that are going on, and sometimes it’s great to just push myself, clearing my mind, and only concentrate on the act of moving my body forward with all effort I can gather.

Since I’m about 3.5 weeks out, I’m already putting together the plan over the summer for workouts after the race.  I don’t want to quit running altogether, but I’m thinking like 2 runs a week, one short and fast and one medium, and maybe a long run once a month so I don’t completely lose my ability to go far.  I want to up the weight training.  Also - a surprise which will be the main part of the July “experiment”.  I swear, the anticipation of doing something new is sometimes better than actually doing it.

Cuz now, I’m counting down the days.  15.5 more workouts until the race and I’m done running crazy for a while.  2 more long runs, 2 more cross training sessions, 4.5 more 5 mile runs + weights (weights tonight, ran this morning), 2 more tempo runs, 2 more track intervals, and 2 shorter runs (4 miles and 2 miles) the week of the race to taper.  Putting it like that, I just want to start running NOW and keep going so I can check more off the list, but I have also really learned the importance of rest and not overdoing it.

Well, apparently it was all racing on the brain.  Next time, I’m going to talk about something other than running!

If you’ve been following me here this shouldn’t be any surprise, but for the rest of you and for my posterity, here is how last week went.

Monday: weights at home and 4.5 mile run

Check and check.  It was the *perfect* weather just around dusk to be out for a run and I got done just as it was getting dark.  I even actually pushed myself pretty hard because I was feeling so good, and it could have almost qualified as a tempo run.

Tuesday: tempo run and yoga

Check and check.  Since I pushed myself the day before, I wasn’t able to get the awesome pace I had the week before, but I definitely still booked it pretty good!

Wednesday: 4.5 mile run and weights at the gym

Sorta-fail and sorta check.  I had - how shall I say - body problems that morning, and was able to get about 3.7 miles before I gave up.  Close enough - right?  Also, we had an event to go to after work at 6 (which meant no time for the gym), but I made the weights up Saturday morning, at least half-assedly.  Instead of heading to the gym, I watched the end of the biggest loser with my ass planted on the couch and finally felt guilty enough that I got out the weights and did my home strength routine.  But hey, it’s better than nothing, right?

Thursday: 50 mins DDR and yoga

Check and check.  Planned this on a different day because of the event the night before (I needed today to be an easy day).

Friday: 10 mile run

Check!  I made it!  Somehow, running a double digit distance felt more epic than just getting further.  I’m just excited because I told myself that if I could do 10 miles, I could do 13 so I would feel good about signing up for the half.  So I get to sign up this week!

Sunday: Bike trail adventure

Epic fail.  But it was the weather’s fault, not ours.  We were so ready to go, and it was raining off and on.  It was the only time we had carved out to do it, so we had to pass.

Total week 8 mileage 22.7 (running):   (plus 1-2 miles of walking)

Week 9 -almost there.  Please?

Monday: 15k pseudo race

Tuesday: 50 mins DDR + yoga

Wednesday: 5 mile run and weights at the gym

Thursday: 9×400 intervals (warmup on the way to the track, run 9 laps under 2:00 pace, jog a lap in between each, cooldown on the way home)

Friday: 5 mile run and weights at home.

Weekend: Maybe a bike ride.  Or maybe not.  I’m not getting my hopes up this time.

Things I learned last week:

1.  After doing this run, I have decided that long run days either need to be on a weekend, or I need to take half days to recover after.  I was just *dead* after this.  My body was so physically tired until after lunch my brain barely worked.  I can definitely envision being able to do 3 more miles on the end of this if it was race day, but I imagine I will be worthless for a little while after I finish.

2.  My pace degenerates from a solid 10 minute mile or faster to a 1030 or slower sometime between 7 and 9 miles.  I mean that as in when I run 7 miles total, I can keep that 10 minute pace.  When I’m above that, I seem to run quite a bit slower even if it’s only a *little* more.  My super-unattainable goal for the half is under 2 minutes, but I’m not running the long runs anywhere close to that pace.  I think I’ll be happy under 2:15.

3.  Let me reiterate to folks out there - training for a distance running event is not, I repeat NOT a way to lose weight.  I heard the warnings, I laughed it off and thought I could buck the odds, but your body WILL force you to eat back what you lose when you push it so hard, or you’ll feel weak and super injury prone.  Though I’ve been told I look like I’ve lost a little since I started this, I haven’t seen my low weight of 150.2 for at least a month, I”m hangin’ closer to 152-153.   I decided 3 weeks in that I was going to give my body whatever it needed to do this race, but I am really feeling like a piggie lately.

4.  That being said as well - I am really looking forward now to finishing up the training, doing the race, and moving on to something else for a while.  4 runs per week which are now at least 5 miles each is time consuming, tiring, and just a whole lot of miles.  I just keep telling myself that there’s only 3 weeks really to go (and the last week of taper before the race), and I’m almost there.  I had visions of being super excited to get up to the double digit runs and getting used to them and keep running the distance all the time - yeah, no.  I’m already looking forward to putting together a plan for July which is extremely different!  I think I’d like to pick up the training again in the fall and go for a half marathon here in Austin in January/February, but my body is definitely going to need a break.

5.  Week 7 was sorta rough, but this week I had my head back into it.  I’m glad, because if I had another crappy week where I was just tired all the time and had to drag my butt off the couch to work out kicking and screaming every day, I dunno if I would have continued.  Ok, I would have, because I’m stubborn like that, but I would have been miserable.  I’m glad last week came a little easier - on Monday’s run I actually even pushed myself harder than I planned, just because I felt so good.  That’s a sign that things are thumbs up.

This week is getting both a great (already did my long run!) and rough (stayed up way, way too late having way, way too much fun yesterday and now I am EXHAUSTED and not really in the position to take the day off) start, so we shall see which way the wind blows…

I remember when I was 16, I spent a large amount of my time sitting in coffee shops, drinking pots full of the stuff, smoking cigarettes, and writing with my friends and musing about life.  I spent many-a-night that way.  Then, I realized - I was so busy writing about life, I wasn’t really out there experiencing it.  And so I went and experienced, and it was good!  I have always written, but it ebbs and flows.  Right now, it’s not flowing, so it’s definitely ebbing.

I guess my point is - things is crazy busy-like this week, and I have a pretty full weekend planned too, so I’m going to be on blog-atus until at least Tuesday.  This week I’ve ran a lot, celebrated birthdays, attended an ambassadorial mission to consume hors derves and makers mark, tried to learn how to be a decent wingman (and failed pretty badly), recorded a lot of peoples making purdy noises into the microphone, and today I just barely have a moment to plant my keister on the couch with my laptop and relax.  And it’s not even the weekend, where I start with my first double digit run (10 miles) before work and then have plans to hit the new bar for happy hour so I can be in their commercial, Saturday is shopping with a girlfriend to save her from other not-so-fun plans, Sunday is an epic trail ride and parental fun time, and Monday is a BBQ and a Yelp elite event at the wine bar with yummy food and wine.  I’m both exhausted and excited just thinking about it!

I don’t normally like to use this blog as a “this is what I did today/this week/etc” type place, but considering I’ve got too much going on to be super introspective, this is what you get this week.  Take it or leave it.  Have a wonderful holiday weekend and get out there and live.  Do something awesome, something you’ve been putting off, or just something fun that you can talk about around the water cooler (does anyone actually do that anymore) on  Tuesday.  The only thing stopping you is you.

If you’ve been following me here this shouldn’t be any surprise, but for the rest of you and for my posterity, here is how last week went.  It was a super short week due to the Vegasing.

Wednesday: 50 mins DDR and yoga

Check and check.  Man, this was even rough.  I think standing and walking is more tiring than running.  Or it could be the partying until sunrise.  No, can’t be that.  Must be the standing and walking

Thursday: 4.5  mile run and weights at the gym

Check and check.  Was a nice outside run in the morning though I DID NOT WANT to get up AT ALL EVER after being on vacation but I did it and I didn’t die.  I think the gym is getting busier because it seems harder to get on the weight machines I want, even on a Thursday.

Friday: 9 mile run

Almost check.  I mapped out my run AFTER and found out it was only 8.75.  Oops.  Close enough, right?  I tried the sport beans this time and they were my absolute favorite.  I also strapped on my camelback and after tying down the front, it was fairly non-annoying.  And it was totally worth it - I drank the whole thing on the run.  I also felt, though I was indeed tired, after about mile 7 I could have just kept plodding along for a few more (but probably would have just wanted to go die instead of going to work), so this bodes well for actually reaching the distance.

Vacation: Bike adventure or other activity

Total uncheck.  Friday’s run and subsequent partying until dawn (Again? Why?  What am I thinking?) wiiiiiped me out.  Saturday we sat around all day and then had evening plans, and Sunday we had errands and chores and had to fit in Star Trek somewhere, and then it was dark.  It’s probably for the best I didn’t push myself (I was also feeling almost like I was coming down with something Sunday - feel better today though), but it makes me all the more motivated to have a bike adventure this coming weekend.

Total week 6 mileage (running):  13.25 (plus a ton of walking)

I’d be disappointed with that, but I did it in 2 days.  That’s pretty bad ass, no?

Week 8 - back to normal.

Monday: Weights at home, 4.5 mile run

Tuesday: 40 min tempo run (5 mins jog, 30 mins tempo (try to beat my 8:20, 5 mins jog), yoga

Wednesday: yoga and 50 mins of DDR

Thursday: 4.5 mile run and weights at the gym

Friday: 10 mile run (holy crap - double digit run!)

Weekend: Rest and planning on a bike trail ride on Sunday.  Zliten is going to scope it out this week.  If it’s way too epic, maybe just another ride somewhere out there for lunch.

Things I learned last week:

1.  I think as long as I make it to mile 8 in the half without pushing too hard, I think I’ll be fine.  At 9 miles I felt like I could keep going.  I felt like I would be pretty wasted afterwards (not like I wasn’t, but I was able to function and attend a full day of work without a rest).  I think I’m going to run this 10, and if I can do it, actually put down the money and book the hotel and really do this puppy.  No, I haven’t done it yet.  Yes, that makes me a wuss or something.

2.  I’m going to try to keep up the strength training at it’s current level this week.  I am definitely not getting stronger (weight training-wise), and I want to stave off getting weaker.  I’m just not sure next week when short runs are 5 miles that I’ll be able to keep up with 2 full body sessions a week.  I’ve also considered shortening one short run.  Any advice?  Would you cut down to the equivalent of 1 - 1.5 full body sessions per week of weights in favor of running or keep the sessions and run a little less one day?  I think the smart thing would probably be cut the weights a bit since I’m training for running, but…I dunno.  I have a week to decide anyway.

3.  I think part of the success on the long run last week was the camelback.   Seriously - water anytime you want without carrying a bottle?  Awesome!  I think that the sport beans worked well with it - munch a bean, sip some water, munch a bean, sip some water.  I think for racing, since I won’t have the camelback, I might stick to the moons because they were easier to get down fast right before a water stop.   The gel kinda upset my stomach (I think it was just so much sugar ALLATONCE) so I think I’m going to stay away from it.  For those of you out there who have run the distance, how many munchies did you bring?  I’m considering bringing 2 (one at 45 mins, one at 1:30) but is that excessive?

4.  I also tried listening to podcasts instead of music and strangely enough it was good to lose myself in the babble.  I’m surprised I didn’t miss the beat of the music at all.  Fast runs, I don’t think it would work.  Long/mellow runs?  Super.

5.  I’m not quite sure what was with the grumps/introspection/etc last week but I think I’m out of it.  I had a bit more rest this weekend than I would have liked (I really wanted to bike/skate/walk/something), but I think it paid off because I feel rested, confident, and ready to tackle this week instead of fearful of the sheer amount of activity I was going to ask my body to do.  I was afraid this was going to be like the pushup challenge - I was so excited about it but then I hit week 6 and I could only do 45 - so I stopped doing it because it was taking up a lot of my workout time.  I can still do about 40, but I really wanted to say I could do 100 pushups.  At least this time, I’m about 3/4 there already with a month left to go and can actually visualize myself completing this.

I hope these aren’t getting tedious.  I just want to have a record of this to look back on!  Later this week, I’ll have more varied fare, I promise!

So when I started this journey at 265 lbs I really doubted I would get very far, but damned if I wasn’t gonna try.  I had, basically, a few levels of “final goals”.  The first was under 200, because I hadn’t been there since college.  The second was 170, which was around what I weighed when Zliten and I started dating, and I felt like a supah fly honey.  150 was the weight where the scale said “hey, you’re normal”, though I’m pretty sure if I got the body fat test, I’d have been normal for a while.  125 was gymnast weight, and as low as I said I’d possibly want to go.

I passed 200 around my 29th birthday (March 2008), I passed 170 around August 2008, and now, I’m hanging out here around 150…and have been for a few months.  I set another arbitrary goal of 135 for myself - not quite gymnast weight, somewhere in the middle of normal BMI-land, and a perfectly reasonable thing to weight for a 5′5″ gal of the muscular persuasion.

However, it’s occured to me that maybe I’m done.  What’s the difference in weighing 150 and 135?  A pants size?  Is it going to magically flatten my belly?  Is it worth the hassle?  The guilt in the back of my head saying, “I know you’re eating to sustain yourself with all this training, but this would be the PERFECT time to just cut calories and lose lose lose super quick.  You can deal with the exhaustion and grumpies!   It’s temporary!   Just do it!”?  What is losing another 10/15/25 lbs going to do for me?  Am I going to only be able to run the distance I want if I shed more weight?  Otherwise, what does it matter besides the image in the mirror?

I’m still deciding, I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of trying to lose 15 more lbs once this half is over, but I’m considering it.  It’s still a very healthy weight for me, and in theory would take about a 3 month commitment to do.  However, I spent a lot of time looking around me at other people on vacation and realized how really not bad I am in the grand scheme of fitness.  It took being in a different setting and not seeing the same people in the same town.  I’ve just come back home with this confidence and good feeling about the way I look.  Physical fitness will be something I work to improve for the rest of my life, but there needed to be a point where I looked in the mirror most days and thought - “hawt”.  I might possibly just be there.

Now “hawt” does not equal perfect.  I can only rock a bikini top and swimsuit skirt bottom on the skinniest of days.  I still have this protrusion of flesh that sticks out above my belly button, and a pooch beneath it.  I can pick out my flaws, just like everyone can.  I’m sure even the size 00s complain about the lack of symnetry in their emaciated ribs or something.

“Hawt” does equal self confidence.  Maybe it’s just me being a superficial and horrible person, though I doubt it, but when I walk into a room, I want the consensus to be - “hawt”.  Now, being engaged to be married, I do not want to leverage that power in any real and physical way.  I simply want someone that first meets me to have a favorable opinion of my appearance.  Actually, I don’t even really care if they really do or not - I just need the confidence to THINK they do.  I’m starting to believe I’m there.

I guess the kicker is that when I had a great physique, I was too young and ackward to even consider that maybe someone thought I was attractive.  Also, I’m sure the coke bottle glasses and braces for a while didn’t help.  In my life, I have been lauded for my talents in many areas, my athleticism, my smarts, my career-saviness, my work ethic, my drive, and many other things.  I’m not just a bimbo looking for attention.  I have other things going for me besides a pretty face, a skinny waist, and some healthy knockers.  It just feels like full confidence in my physical appearance I’ve never had is the final piece of the puzzle on the way to world domination, ya know.

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I had to ramble.  The only thing I’m sure of is once I say I’m DONE - I’m actually done.  I really want to clear my head of the idea of losing weight.  I don’t want to say that I’m happy at 150 and then really secretly hope that the scale keeps going down.  They say an all or nothing attitude is bad, and I try to stay away from it in most areas, but this is one thing I cannot bend on.

How is your self-image today?  Do you remember a time (or are living it) where you walked in a room and felt powerful simply because of your physical attributes?  Is this a horrible thing to want?

If you’ve been following me here this shouldn’t be any surprise, but for the rest of you and for my posterity, here is how last week went.  Since this is all P4DoV (pre-4 days of Vegas), I’m just going to list most of the workouts as complete, I don’t *really* remember what I was thinking and feeling last Monday.

Monday: 4 mile run and weights at the gym

Check and check.

Tuesday: 40 minute tempo run and yoga

Check and check.  Though I fail miserably at running true tempos (all one pace), I did push myself pretty hard and clocked the tempo part around a 8:20 pace.  I do remember not being into this run AT ALL until about 10 mins before cooldown though.  Bad, bad.

Wednesday: DDR and yoga

Check and check.

Thursday: 4 mile run and weights at home

Half check and check.  My body just needed sleep that morning so I slept instead of running (hence the “I slept in and blah blah” post last week).  Then, I was going to make it up as a really really long warmup before my weights session, but I felt the tired coming on around the end of mile 2 and just stopped there.  I didn’t want to really kill myself within about 14 hours of the long run.

Friday: 8 mile run

Check.  I was actually about 3 mins late to work.  Oops.  Must get up earlier.  Oddly enough - about mile 4 to 7 was totally rough, but I started getting my second wind around 7.  I’m hoping this bodes well for the next one.

Vacation: No running, lots of walking/swimming

Check.  Walked at least 10 miles total, swam for about an hour, didn’t even bring the running shoes.  I did enough activity that I still feel pretty sore though (however if I had to choose between standing for an hour and running for an hour - standing would make me more sore)!

Total week 6 mileage (running):  18.5 (plus a ton of walking)

Week 7 - not a normal week, but a week it is.

Wednesday: yoga and 50 mins of DDR

Thursday: 4.5 mile run and weights at the gym

Friday: 9 mile run

Weekend: Rest and bike riding somewhere.  Not going to try to make up all the missed training, but want to do *something*

Things I learned last week:

1.  Vacations are never restful.  On the mind, usually, yes.  On the body - never.  I don’t think I’ve ever come back from a vacation raring to go the next day.  I don’t know why I thought this would be different, but I was hoping.  I already knocked off one run I was going to do this weekend, and considering how I feel right now and how HARD it was for me to get outta bed this morning, I’m hoping I can make it through the 3 days I have planned.

If I had my perfect world, I would NOT have scheduled a vacation in the 3 months while trying to train for a half.  I need to get my head back into what I’m doing, and ignore the fact that I work out way more than normal people and that I shouldn’t feel entitled to slack because of it.  I also have to remember that I *eat* more than a regular human female of my size who doesn’t train like I do, so if I lower the activity, I need to start watching myself instead of devouring 2 bowls of soup and a whole chicken and a half worth of breasts at the dinner show.

2.  8 miles is much different than 7, but I got through it.  Hopefully, 9 miles will be just about like 8.  If it’s much more difficult, I’m going to have a hard time upping my mileage like this every week.  Until I have another longer-than-7 mile run under my belt, I can’t be sure if I just had a crappy run last week or pushing myself this far this fast is too much for me.

3.  Just so everything in here isn’t all about me being tired and having rough runs - I’m starting to have a feeling that 150 lbs might be my happy weight for a while.   Planning on posting more about that later though.

4.  Once I’m done with this, I really need to work on tempo runs.  Maybe start the week running the distance slow enough that I am FOR SURE going to be able to keep one pace and then keep upping it until it’s a challenge, but do-able.  Running one pace and slow just BORES me though, especially on a treaddy.  However, it seems like an important skill to have for a runner.  Maybe?

5.  Anyone start feeling intimidated by the sheer number of time you have to put in to log the miles you need to run/increase in the last half of training the first time you did a half or a marathon?  I’m just looking at the training schedule coming up and when I don’t see any days under 4.5 miles (and then none under 5 miles in 2 weeks)…oy.  I’m thinking next week is when I’m going to have to make some modifications.  First thing to go is one strength session a week - I’ll split a full body workout into 2 half body workouts so it goes from 45-60 minutes to 20-30 mins.  Then, I’ll start counting any bike riding I do on the weekends against my Wednesday cross training day.  Yoga will be non-negotiable.

A little gloomy?  Mebbe.  I’m sure it will pass by the time I get a run or 2 under my belt this week.  What’s going on out there in internet land?  Any sunshine for me?

If you haven’t seen this, go watch (SFW).

It got me thinking - I try to keep my status updates on facebook and twitter to a reasonable amount because, well, I don’t want to seem narcissistic and I really don’t think people care that I just took a crap or that I went to the kitchen and grabbed a plum to munch on.  However, I thought it would be a fun experiment to see what I’d write if I did.  Since I’m not going to subject my facebook or twitter friends to this, and I figure if you’re reading this, you’re more interested in my witty banter than the average bear, so it’s your own fault!

Quix:

is up too early.  Who gets up before 7:50 besides farmers?  (Yeah, I know but I can still bitch about it.) Argh. (7:50)

is dressed, geared up, mapping out her run route, and eating her pre-running otter pop. (8:00)

is finally out the door!  8 miles, ho! (8:15)

is back and soaked through and through with sweat.  That was rough!  How am I going to do 9 next week?  Felt good though. (9:40)

is dashing out the door, only a few minutes late.  Sans lipstick though, which will throw off my day. (9:53)

got to work a few minutes late, caught up on emails, got coffee and water.  Even threw in a little caf in my decaf to stave off an energy crash. (10:15)

is now mowing down a fiber one bar catching up on the internets while waiting for stuff to be done so she can get to work! (10:45)

now feels about 3 lbs lighter.  Don’t think about this one too hard.  Had to hand a lady back a button under the stall divider that fell off. (11:15)

is eating a plum and about to go harass the Soundland office and see how progress is progressing. (11:30)

is back.  Stuff for me to work on ready after lunch, audition still on at 2pm and now have a phone recording session at 2:30. (11:45)

is sooooo ready for pho!  And I even had it on Wednesday for dinner, but not at the usual spot! (noon)

is off to get some PHOOOOO!  I so love pho-ridays! (12:15)

is back from lunch.  I always feel so bad running my space heater in the office when it’s 90+ degrees outside, but it’s like a meat locker in here. (1:45)

is off to do an audition - that is, receive an audition, not give one.  Much nicer evaluating than being evaluated! (2:00)

is back.  Dude was pretty good!  I really liked his take on one of our characters.  It’s cool when actors are the ones with the good ideas. (2:20)

wonders if the male brain is just not wired to be good at packing… (2:40)

has just had her recording session cancelled (boo).  Bladder empty, water full, think imma head out for a smoke and then hunker down. (2:50)

is back.  I am so happy that running and smoking still just a little is not causing problems.  I would be so freaking grumpy… (3:10)

just found out that it was touch and go on the 4 day weekend (not mine since I’m out of town, but for everyone else) but stuff was deemed too minor to mess with.  Yay! (3:20)

is now in hunker-down, headphones on, implementer monkey mode.  The world needs to be ignored for a while! (3:30)

just had a thought.  If I could give one piece of advice to a young me or someone similar, it would be to take whatever they’re passionate about and pursue it.  Wholly.  Completely.  In a life consuming way.  Before they are too attached to standards of living and salaries and money.  Don’t wait.  Longer than a twitter I know.  Back to work. (3:45)

is not being ignored well today.  *Hides better* (4:00)

just realized after an hour or so of work that she was working out of the wrong branch of code.  Thx u awesome programmers for 1.  not yelling at me and 2. fixing it for me. (4:30)

is now alone in the office (my producer officemate just left).  I miss coming in and leaving early, but I also love running in the mornings. (4:45)

is done being a monkey!  Now, to Soundland to chat, get statuses of peopleses, and clear my head. (5:45)

is back.  Now, to listen to some offsite auditions and then duck out a lil earlyish. (6:15)

can take no more of this.  Shutting down shop and heading out to target to for trip shopping rq and then home to finish packing. (6:35)

is at Target, and has a shopping problem.  I go in for a few things and try on the whole store. (7:00)

doesn’t have as much of a problem as I thought.  Clothes-wise, came out with a pair of shorts (on list), red hoodie (not on list but 8 bucks), two pairs of sunglasses (one on list) and lipstick (on list). (7:30)

got everyone’s opinion and is keeping pair one of the sunglasses.  Brown, with studs on the side.  I will probably return the other black pair.  Maybe.  Ok, possibly I still have problems. (7:45)

is playing pool at the neighbors!  Won my first two games. (8:30)

has had a bit to drink, and lost game 3.  Yay for pizza!  I would feel guilty eating two slices of thin crust pepperoni and a meat lovers, but it’s less than what I burned today on the run and I haven’t eaten much (10:00)

…and, since I’m lazy, that concludes my day.  Up for the rest of the night is more hangin’ out, playing pool, cocktails (weak, since I am getting up tomorrow to run, yoga, and then finish packing and get thee to the airport on time), and sleeeeep.  In retrospect, it’s probably best that I have a twitter filter, and only tweet the notable and interesting stuff.  This is Quix, signing off, until next Wednesday.  Vegas, baby.  Yeaaaaaaah.

What are you up to this weekend?  Anything legendary?  Wanna convince me to tweet more (yeah, right).

Unlike this guy,  this week I just haven’t been into it.  It, meaning everything besides already being on vacation, relaxing, or just basically doing whatever the hell I want, whenever I want.  Considering I’m on week 6 of half marathon training, have a full week of work to do, and other obligations to attend to at home, it just hasn’t worked out.

Usually, my runs energize me.  I feel GREAT after working out.  I feel EMPOWERED after a great weights session.  If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be so into it, I’m not a masochist.  This week - not so much.  It’s been a chore to drag my ass out of bed in the morning (even more so than normal) and it’s taken a lot longer to feel good during a workout.  I didn’t feel like I could give it my all until TWENTY minutes into my tempo run.  My cross training day yesterday came just in time, I don’t think I could have physically run without risking injuring myself, I was so tired and sore.  Then, when my alarm went off this morning, I groaned, got out of bed, and felt so thoroughly NOT pleased with the idea of going running that I just climed back under the covers and snoozed.

I keep thinking I should feel bad, but I don’t.  I used to feel horrible when I’d skip a workout.  I’d think, “If I skip this workout, then I’ll think it’s ok to skip more workouts and all of a sudden I’ll stop working out completely and I’ll immediately be 265 lbs again and miserable!”  Sounds crazy, but somehow in my head, missing one workout was going to cause the great Quix fat-ocolypse or something.  Now, I’ve got 21 months of regular workouts under my belt.  Exercise is now part of my life.  I cannot imagine a week without it unless I was on my deathbed.   I don’t even dream about being lazy like I used to when I was just over the workouts and had the mentality that I just wanted to hurry up and be skinny already.  Now I realize to be a healthy, strong athlete, I have to be both consistent with my workouts on a grand scale, and listen to my body day to day for the minutae.

Now, I realize that one missed workout because my body genuinely needed the rest is not a catastrophy.  I do have a twinge of guilt when I miss a workout in lieu of something like happy hour or whatnot, but that’s different.  I guess the secret is distinguishing the “don’t wannas” from “exercise today would be really and truly damaging for me”.  And I’m afraid the only insight I have on this is that you get to know yourself after doing something regularly for a long time.  I know when I start feeling like I do this week, I need to take care to listen to myself, or I could get hurt.  I have a pre-planned exercise rest via Vegas vacation from Saturday - Tuesday (though I am bringing some workout clothes just in case, because running on the strip might be a fun experience) otherwise I might have knocked off a few workouts on the schedule and given myself a long weekend to rest anyway.  We will see how I feel when I get back.  I bet after 4 days I’ll be ready to get back into it.

Now, I do love pushing myself.  If I didn’t workout every time I just didn’t necessarily feel like bothering to do it, I’d probably skip about 1-2 sessions a week.  For me, the hardest part is getting changed and the first 5 minutes.  I will workout through a hangover, because I know what caused the crappy feeling and it usually makes me feel better by the end of it, or at least not any worse.  I’ll do moderate exercise through a mild cold on the same vein - I know it’s not going to hurt me, and it’s probably going to make me feel better.  When I start feeling unusually “not into it” and sore, I’ve learned that pushing through THAT is what gets me injured.  Some tough weeks I’ll feel like it the last day and do my norm anyway, but only because I know I have only.one.to.go and I’m done.  Getting the feeling when I still have a 4 mile run, a weights session, an 8 mile run, and yoga - now that’s a sign.

And…I’m also not apologizing because I bet I make up what I missed.  I’m already feeling better having slept a bunch (over 9 hours) and rested this morning.  I’ve got my gym bag with me to do weights tonight - and I have visions of hopping on the treaddy first and seeing where it takes me.  I might not do the full 4 miles I was supposed to this morning, but I can see a quick 2 mile jaunt or something.  I also have scheduled Saturday as an offday, but have the morning before the airport so I might do a quick run then.  I just have to make sure I’m rested enough for my 8 miler tomorrow morning (ner-vous! this is by far the longest run!).

Internets, how do you cope with finding the balance between “don’t wanna” and “gonna get injured”?  What level of discomfort or disinterest makes you skip a workout?  Will you ignore the running shoes if you just don’t feel like it, or are you lifting weights until your arms fall off?