adjustedreality.com

It’s all crazy up in here lately, so random is the best I’ve got.  It’s even taken me 2 days to write this.

1.  We are about 99.9% of the way there to delivering a product.  I actually might be able to share this one with you once it’s out there!  It made me realize that maybe I’m NOT so unethused with my profession.  It’s stressful and frustrating work making a game at times, but damn do I feel alive when the heat is on and totally engaged at work and in the moment when we’re close to the end.  It’s just that I used to do exactly what I am doing tonight once every few weeks, and now it’s not very often at all.  It’s that adrenaline rush… is it going to pass?  Did we do everything right?  Are people going to like it?  Is management going to tell me to box my stuff up and collect my last check?  You never know…

2.  After busting ass through a few 6 and an 8 mile tempo @ 8:55 (attempting at least), 4 miles is super easy!  It’s pretty amazing what comparisons can do - I was WAY less miserable during each point than normal (and lets face it, trying to improve your pace is about being miserable for a while until that pace becomes, uh, un-miserable).  I was even able to do 30 minutes on the arc trainer after with no issues.  I was able to do little but go home and die after 6-8.  I still question if I’m going to be able to hold the pace I need to during the race, but I definitely think I have a chance.  And I think unless it’s pouring sleet, setting a new PR is a no brainer.

3.  I am still at a loss of what to do for my birthday, and taking suggestions.  Something under a few hundred dollars, within a few hours drive, that doesn’t suck if it’s cold and windy like this weekend, and… I dunno.  Something cool.

4.  This weekend, I am heading downtown to a cool event - at a bar I’ve always wanted to check out (which is usually too “trendy” for us, I guess, as no one ever wants to go there), with free alcohol, and a vintage clothing swap!  So I will end up drunk AND with new clothes!  I guess until shopping until you drop, it’s shop until you puke, right?  Kidding, kidding, I hope to be slightly more responsible than that.  Just slightly.  Regardless, I am tres excited.  Just gotta get through my hardcore fast 12 miler (last tough run of training) in our arctic blasted weather and not die.

5.  I have been really slacking this week and not tracking my food, not worrying about my weight even though its a few lbs up, and have made the conscious decision to be ok with a shorter cross training session than normal.  I’ve still been eating like my normal healthy self, but I’ve kinda decided that I can’t be too hard on myself for another month or so (up until the race and then a week or 2 after to let my appetite catch up to my activity level).  I can tell I’m not at the lowest weight I’ve been at lately, but I am also running stronger than I was then.  I do need to make sure I don’t let it go unchecked for too long, I don’t want to start seeing 160s or worse, but I have always been a fluctuator.  If you don’t hear me talk about my weight or see some double chins start poking out here, please call me on it.

My apologies to my bloggie friends - I’ve tried to keep up but I’ve been very busy lately.  This week has made about as much sense as this picture above.  Please forgive me!  Hopefully things will settle next week and I’ll be back to my chatty self.  Definitely need birthday suggestions (it’s about a month away) - if you can’t think of anything for a sane amount of money, tell me what you would do if the sky was the limit!  For me - 5 days in Costa Rica.  Which isn’t undoable *sometime*, just not right now.  Have a great weekend, and wish me luck tomorrow on my freezy ass speedy 12 miler tomorrow!

So, I’m still in a funk a bit, but I’m taking steps to make peace with that.

1.  There are a few things in my life that are a little out of control right now that just have to stay out of control for the time being, and I just realize that as a control freak, this will drive me a little nuts, and that’s ok.  There is an end.  There is a resolution.  I just need patience.

2.  There are a few things in my life that have not been put on a schedule and harnessed and planned like I like to do.  I can make this change.  For example, I need to start doing our monthly budget again, I’ve started it and just waiting for the month to end to get some data to work with.  Before - with just my salary and unemployment it was just too depressing.  Now, with Zliten only UNDERemployed it’s moderately less depressing!  Yes, I like my control freakiness with a side of avoidant behavior.  This will help me figure out things like whether it is possible to do something cool for my birthday AND redo the kitchen windows this year.  I would like to thank our previous owners for making ALL the windows in the house CUSTOM SIZES. *shakes fist (full of money)*

3.  This is typical end-of-winter blues for me.  I am never in a particularly great and happy state around now.  Once we get past the possibility of hard freezes and icky weather (like the rest of this week and weekend), I should be a much happier camper.

4.  It’s also the end of half marathon training.  I am at the point where I just want to run the race and do something new and different.  Less than last time where I was going nutzo about now, but there is definitely the defiant little Quix-in-my-head going “I WANNA RUN WHEN I WANNA RUN, WAH.”  I can only take the same rigid schedule for so long before I ’splode, even if it’s self imposed.  And a different rigid schedule?  Like butter to me.  I love.  I just need different and freaky every so often.

I think a majority of the things kinda bugging me will resolve themselves mid-February.  And that’s not too far away.  And if not, I can busy myself making mountains of spreadsheets and unbooked vacation itineraries and dreaming of winning the lotto.  Hey, it could happen.

So I’m sure you’re sick of hearing ME whine, so let me direct you to other cool bloggers saying things besides wah wah boo hoo is me and my pretty little slightly imperfect life.

Get Miz on Ellen! Mizfit, you have some huevos, you are crazy, and I love it.

Endurance Isn’t Only Physical is giving away a Nathan’s Hydration Belt!

Fit to the Finish - I totally agree with her opinion on deprivation.

My Life On A Diet - the Aha moment of realizing you’re one of those Thin people.

Tiny Glow - what a difference 30 lbs makes!  Linking to this post specifically to a) show off her awesome progress and b) emphasize the IMPORTANCE of purchasing some clothes that fit every once in a while - don’t wait until your goal weight!!!

The Great Fitness Experiment - Charlotte examines Time Sickness (and ohhh boy, I have the sickness fo sho).  Extra credit - an amazing ab workout I am linking here for selfish reasons, so that I can remember it and partake of it once I finish this crazy half training.

Diet Girl is giving away a bunch of stuff in her sell out extravaganza!  Check it out.

It’s Feed Me I’m Cranky ’s blog birthday and she’s giving away a whole foods gift certificate!  No one else enter because I’d like to win, please.

Go check out a few good peoples’ blogs and perhaps tomorrow I will have something besides blah de wah de splat.  What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?  What’s making you happy lately?

***whiny brat post ahead - you may finish the post with the desire to smack me over the head***

Some days, you get smacked in the face with the “woe is me, wahhhh” bat.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Today isn’t looking better.  I whined a lot on twitter and I whined a lot to Zliten over IM and I whined a lot to myself.  Because my life is so terrible and horrible and everything is wrong and poor me *laughs*.  Let me elaborate below.

First of all, I’m trying to figure out what to do for my birthday coming up.  For some reason, it is a BIG DEAL this year to me.  I don’t want to just throw a party and have people come over.  I don’t want to just go out to a bar and get drunk.  I want to do something ridiculously cool.  I want to be that kind of person that pops off to another country for their birthday.  Or at least somewhere out of town.  At the very least, something cool and unique.

The everlovin’ problem is - money.  Whoever said that money is the root of all evil is a damn dirty liar - it’s definitely the LACK of money.  Zliten is (smartly) insisting that we save some and do some house renovations this year.  But I mean, seriously?  Who needs new countertops and windows and working central heat?  I’m only half kidding - a life without vacations to look forward to for me is seriously NOT happy.  I’m willing to work hard, but I also need to play hard.

I’ve already made sacrifices.  The honeymoon is moving from 2010 to 2011 due to work schedules.  I actually decided I was going to be very frugal about clothes shopping in 2010, since I’m not losing weight, to save money.  I *need* very few things.  I need to get back to my budgeting spreadsheets to get a handle on how all the funds come and go.  Instead of running the Long Beach Marathon in October and taking a happy fun vacation then, I’m running the San Antonio one in November.

My big bad mood issue is - I’m fully realizing that I’ve lost both aspects of importance about my job.  Back in San Diego, we were broke as shit but I was enveloped in this awesomely rewarding job experience and I didn’t mind.  The things that were important to me were my Zliten and my job, and that’s pretty much it.  Now, I have a little less passion about my job (which is, honestly, a good thing for my sanity).  I’m just a good employee wanting to make a good product.  I work my hours, do my job, and go home and don’t obsess over it.  I’m also the managerial ying to my previously creative yang.  So I no longer get that whole “I made this and it’s awesome” fulfillment.  It’s ok - it had to end eventually.  But I picked this end for the money.

Now, the money just isn’t adding up.  I no longer am able to say, “well, I like my job, but I’m not in love with it, but HEY, it affords me a comfortable life.”  When you take away my vacations and make me monitor the amount of THRIFT shopping I’m doing, I no longer feel as if I should suffer doing something I don’t completely love.  I might as well figure out what that is and go nuts and be COMPLETELY poor and at least have that creative fulfillment again.

This does not bode well for a mortgage payment that keeps getting higher (my neighborhood is like the ONE place in the world where property values continue to rise which means more taxes! wheee!!!!) and the 10k left on my car loan.  So here I sit, feeling trapped, pissed off, and grumpy.   I always mocked people like me-now.  I’d never  be them.  I’d rather have happiness than money.  If I was unhappy where I was I would leave and figure it out.  It’s just not that simple.  I used to be a shining star, now I’m just a burnt out and jaded middle manager.  I might as well be in a Dilbert cartoon.

The other problem?  I have no carrot, just sticks right now.   You know what I mean?  Maybe it’s a bad analogy, but… sticks being things I want that are a lot of work, carrots being things just to look forward to?  2004-2006 there was a lot of work “carrot” promising if I worked just a little harder and did just a little more of a job I would have practically done for free anyway, I might get the money/support/fame/fancy cars/bling bling.  2007 held the excitement of starting a weight loss endeavor, moving states, and buying a house. 2008 continued the scale going down down down, and I started running and it was novel and exciting and then I shipped a game and then we went on a cruise.  Hard year, filled with carrots and sticks, but very rewarding.  2009 was the year of GETTING MARRIED and RUNNING RACES.  Both sticks, but balanced with THREE out of town trips.

This year, it all just feels like STICK right now.  Two races, which are awesome but also WORK.  I might get a promotion next January, but it’s gonna be a hell of a year to get there.  I would love to have something written by the end of the year, and I’d really like to pursue actually possibly someday getting paid for writing, but again, it sounds like so much WORK.  Everything that used to sound exciting sounds like so much EFFORT.  Putting money into the house sounds horrible to my inner baby brat right now because it’s a) taking money away from fun and it’s b) effort and messy and more fucking WORK.

The running does help though.  I rocked my sprints HARD last night even though I went into the gym pissed and sad and feeling glum and slightly nauseous from the cake I self-medicated myself with earlier (bleh - note to self - NEVER eat a full piece of cake again, half is enough - gave me a headache).  I reminded myself that running was something that was fully under my control, and the sprint workout that was supposed to be my killer actually came pretty easy.

Also helping,  the impending beautiful weather and longer days.   Bike rides and long walks and hiking is pretty much free, and I’m looking forward to taking FULL advantage of these next few beautiful months before it gets too hot.

I’m just trying to figure out some compromise with myself.  Sure, I might not be quite as far along here at 30 as I wished I’d be - but I’m not doing so badly.  Sure, I might not be able to hit Costa Rica for my birthday, or even get out of town, but I’m not going to sit at home and eat ramen and drink Natty Ice and cry.  Sure, we might not have made progress on renovating our house and increasing the value, but we have a house.  We’re not in foreclosure. We’ve made money on it in the 2.5 years we’ve owned it.  I may not have my dream job and might feel like a fucking glorified secretary sometimes, but I make *decent* money and have *some* clout around here.

But since I’m a brat this week, none of this is cheering me up.  People are homeless and Haiti is in ruins and most of the world is wondering where their next meal will come from and I am bitching about vacations.  And I wish that made me have some happy fuzzy realization, or think altruisticly, or made me feel better.  I have whiny baby syndrome BAD and I know I’m being ridiculous.  But, as it happens every once in a while, I fall into one of these little foxholes and it takes me a few days to crawl out.  I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.  And it’s just not fair that I can’t have it.  Perhaps the lottery ticket Zliten bought tonight will solve everything, cross your fingers for me.

So, what is your biggest wahhhh-mbulence type gripe lately?  Something that’s cheesing you off, and you know is ridiculous, but is still getting your goat anyway?  Spill it in the comments and it will make you feel at least 58% better, I swear!

Usually, fitsugar.com is a bit “Fitness Mag” for me, so I don’t really pay much attention, but this article caught my eye for some reason.

Mariska Hargitay is not someone I’ve heard of before, but for those of you unhip as I am, she is an actress.  She looks fabulous.  She does not look like the token big girl in a sea of skinny women, she fits right in (you know what I mean, right?  Like the cheerleading captain in High School Musical who is obviously not FAT, but looks a little out of place?).   She does not look waifish, but she looks slim, sexy, confident, powerful, and strong.  This woman does not need to lose any weight.  This woman looks like she belongs in the business.

She is a size 8.  I am a size 8.   I think she’s a little hippier where I’m a little heavier on top - she’s a pear to my inverted triangle.  And I’m jealous to hell of her jaw definition, but I think I beat her in the sexy legs contests.

Like, she is really and truly my size.  I flit between a 6 in some brands to a 10 in others.  My go to size is 8 for jeans.  My go to size for shirts is medium (which is generally - 6/8).  And this hot looking t.v. star does the same thing.  Well, all things considered she probably doesn’t shop in thrift stores but it’s the size that matters here.  Oddly enough the lack of ability to walk into a super upscale store and shop matters way less to me as I get older.  Priorities, I guess.

Sadly, this is huge to me - the size thing.  I have a minor in theatre.  I might have majored in it, but I didn’t figure it would be terribly good at making me any money (not like my psych degree did any good, but I was young and naive).  I always dreamed of running off to LA after college and making a go of trying to get into acting.

But I never got the leads in college.  Those always went to the skinny girls.  I was convinced that to succeed in theatre, I needed to lose weight.  Not develop my acting, not get better at auditioning, not expose myself to more plays - but lose weight.  I believed that was the only thing standing between me and success.  I’d typically audition fairly mundanely, get a bit part, and directors found that I was actually pretty talented (sorta), I’d get picked for the featured bit parts.  My shining moment was being able to do 6 bit parts for a weird adaptation of A Clockwork Orange where I got to sing on stage as well as eat a pot pie (not at the same time, that would have been TRULY a feat).  I also had some really cool main parts, but they were for class performances where they HAD to cast me as SOMETHING.  One of these parts included my one and only stage kiss, which is WAY less hot then it sounds.

Although I had fun with my short lived college theatre career, I always felt like I had to be something that felt unattainable to succeed.  I mean, as a full time student with a part time job also doing theatre rehearsals, it didn’t leave much time to eat healthy and exercise.  I kept active by running around campus and taking some aerobics/dance classes for credit, and occasionally making it to the fitness center, but I ate ABHORRENTLY.  Either way too much of the wrong things (a denny’s club sandwich with french fries and ranch was a lite dinner, which NOW I know is about 1200 calories), or way too little of the wrong things (hello, living for a week on 3 boxes of crackers, coffee, and dayquil).

Now, I’m about 20-50 lbs lighter than I was back then, have tackled a lot of inadequacy issues, and feel a lot more comfortable getting up in front of people and saying and doing shit.  But I still have those few requirements in my head about when I am DONE losing weight.  One of them is to feel adequate in any situation that’s reasonable.  At my current weight, I did not feel as if I was there - partly because I didn’t feel like leading lady material.  Silly, I know, because I’m not doing theatre, but I HAVE thought about getting back to it.  I don’t think I’m going to be gracing the Paris runways with my 5′5″ and muscular build anytime soon - but it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I might want to take up acting again.  And I don’t want to ONLY get cast as the comic relief or the fat friend.  Maybe I’m there, it’s just hard for me to see it.

I’ve been toying with trying to see myself as other people do.  People call me little.  I don’t feel little.  I sure don’t see myself as a 265 lb person anymore, but I don’t feel little.  Small.  Someone that can be thrown over a shoulder.  Someone that looks like one who participates in athletic endeavors.  It’s tricky after so many years, but I’m working on it.  And finding out I wear the same size as a pretty hawt looking actress is a big help.

Such a little thing, a number.  But I gotta say, Mariska Hargitay, I didn’t know who you were before, but you certainly changed my perspective today.  Maybe I should give your TV show a try?

Really, week 10 already?  Three weeks from today, my race will be run.  Will I make it in under 2 hours?  Will I beat my last time?  Will I even finish?  Dramatic chipmunk builds the drama.

Damn you Kanye!!!  Anyhoo, will I finish?  Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one.  As terrified as I was at the beginning of this because 5-6 miles seemed hard and long after a summer of 5ks, it’s nice to get a good reminder that my body can do just about anything with reasonable training time.  I’m going to work to not lose my mileage base this time.  It helps that I’m coming out of the race when it is starting to be gorgeous prime outdoor running weather.  I’m starting my last hard week of training actually THRILLED and GIDDY at the idea of some nice looooooong slow runs to get used to being on my feet past 2 hours.  This is a good sign, as last time at this point, I just really wanted to finish the race and NEVAR RUN AGAIN…

Will I beat my time (2:16 and some change)?  I think it’s almost inevitable.  Saturday’s run was just a tinge slower than my last half marathon pace, and the after effects?  I feel like I may as well have just gone for a long walk.   I may not have *quite* hit some of my paces, but with how I’ve been running so far, I think I’d have to have a crazy bad day not to PR.

Now, beating 2 hours?  I’m not sure.  I still feel very strong when I run.  But there has come a point where my body makes me aware that, no, in fact, I cannot do ANYTHING I ask of it.  I can either get frustrated and piss and moan about it, or use those experiences to figure out how to best salvage each run that’s not going 100% perfect and keep those strategies in my back pocket for race day.  I’ll choose the latter.  My prediction?  I’ll need a really good day to break 2 hours.  But I’ve had good days!  So we shall see.

So day by day -

Sunday: We decided to take a nice long walk because it was FREAKING GORGEOUS.  We walked about 2.5 miles to lunch and then over 3 meandering back through some parks and nifty neighborhoods.  I figured that just under 6 miles was nothing to sniff at so I counted it as one cross training day.

Monday: 6×800 miles.  I went into the gym and started and while it wasn’t as bad as the 1600 sprints, it was no cake walk.  Then in the middle of it, I remembered that this week and next week were the ones I added to the program myself (since there was either a 10 week or 16 week program, I picked the 10 weeks of sprints and upped the ante for the last two weeks).  No one *told* me to do 6×800.  I could *probably* quit after 4 and be ok.  I could *probably* just cut the speed a bit on the last few and be ok.  But then I realized after last week, I needed to do it just like I set out to do.  And thus, I did.

Tuesday:  Yoga’d it up, had a DAY at work, and decided I needed a rest.

Wednesday:  6 mile tempo.  I had to slow down in the middle slightly, but I was able to pick it back up at the end and still make my 8:55-ish pace (I think it was 8:57 but whatevs).

Thursday: Was able to fit in 30 mins DDR, but not circuits.  This means I took the entire week off strength training, which is not optimal, but it was a ROUGH week work-wise and very very busy.  Sometimes, you take what you can get.

Friday: Since I was an idiot and stayed up WAY too late partying on a school-night (insert comment on not-a-role-model here), I got through the day, and then our houseguests pampered us with a home cooked dinner and an hour long massage.

Saturday:  If you hadn’t gathered from commentary above, it had been a hell of a week.  Crazy stuff at work, stuff to do after, and on top of it all, this morning I woke up and realized that it was that one morning per month where I’m lucky to be able to drag myself off the couch.  My legs had also been constantly sore all week.  It hadn’t even gotten better with 2 days off.  So, I said screw the 15k race plan, and decided instead to do 9 miles easy, no pace requirement.  This actually felt WONDERFUL, I got to enjoy the great day, my Zliten biked a bunch of the way with me, and I was ready an hour later to go out and do it again.  I did a bunch of yoga after and felt even greater.  My legs feel better now than they have all week.  Sometimes, you just have to throw the plan out the window.

Sunday: movies on the couch.  Resting up for the week to come.  Not lookin’ like a fool with my pants on the ground.

This week is my last hard week.  Next week, week 11, starts my full two week taper.  There is some debate on whether you need that much, but I remembered running 12 miles 6 days before my race, and never quite felt rested, so I’m going to give it a try.  At first, I was pretty freaked out about taking it easy for so long, but after having two completely WASTED weeks of training where I was lucky to get a run in at all let alone 3 at pace, and then bouncing back just fine, I think it’ll do me good.

And it’s not taper yet.  This is what’s up this week:

Monday: 5×1600 sprints @ 8:25 min/mi pace.  This is my own personal gift of hell to myself.  At the beginning, when I put together the program, I thought, “I need more work at long distances being fast, so I’ll throw in mile sprints this week and add 1 since it’s the last week.”  I think  I might could go find a time machine, go back, and kick myself.  I would take 12 x 400 over the mile sprints.  These have been the toughest on me.  But I suppose, it means I need them more than the shorter intervals.

Tuesday: DDR circuits.  Or I might just buck up, head to the gym, and do weights.  With my taper I need to taper the weights as well and I want to make sure I get in two good sessions this week.

Wedensday: 4 mile tempo @ 8:55 pace.  Going to attempt to get my hiney up early and do this in the morning outside as I have a social engagement after work.  Failing that, another jaunt around the campus at work.

Thursday: DDR circuits (or something equivalent involving WEIGHTS).

Friday: rest

Saturday: 12 mile run @ 9:40 pace.  This is another important one.  If I can do this one on pace without too much trouble, it will be a good omen for the 1.1 mile longer race.

Sunday: relaaaaax

Weight/Food/Tracking Update:

I’ve been giving myself a little leeway here as I’m pretty close to the race day.  I’ve been actually pretty good about eating good food in mass quanitites (like a 2 lb bag of baby carrots and 1/2 lb pea pods… yeah, that was 3 days of afternoon snacks for me), minus yesterday evening’s cracker and cheese fest.  I did fall off the tracking this week, so I’ll need to get back to that tomorrow.  The scale has been between 156 - 157 (minus one odd day of 152.8 which I don’t believe) but I haven’t weighed since Friday, so again, will start monitoring tomorrow.  It’s not been a bad exercise to track during this stage of training, as I actually most running days I’m struggling to eat ENOUGH.

So there.  Wish me luck with this last week and I’ll be sighing with relief when Saturday afternoon rolls around.  Still trippin’ out how awesome and loose my legs feel though!

..so I’m going to re-run an old post.  Originally from March 2009, titled “On Perfection”.  Look for happy fun italicised text explaining WTF I’m talking about in some places.  Have a lovely weekend!

Once again, Charlotte makes me think.  This post didn’t quite go where I thought it was going to - but I’ll try to tie it in a little at the end.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I still fantasize occasionally what my life would have been like if I had shunned everything and decided to really try for elite gymnastics.  I wonder if I would have given it another 6 months of 100 hour weeks at my last job, if I could have finally turned it around and got the support and recognition we needed and deserved.  I wonder what fitnessy pursuits I could have undertaken in my 20s if I wouldn’t have been so anti-athletics and gained a billion lbs.  I wonder what life would have been like if I really dedicated myself to pursuing the acting bug that really caught me in college instead of being scared of being another diet-pill-addicted waitress in LA looking for her big break for the rest of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life.  Really.  Sure, I could pick out 10 or 20 little things I’d like to change, but mostly it’s the lazy stuff like more money, less stress from stupid shit at work that could be avoided by communication, a maid, a butler, a helicopter, etc.  I love that I have a stable job in an industry I love and I get to do amazing things like audition, cast, and then direct professional actors.  I love the wonderful Zliten I ended up with and nothing in the world could make me happier.  I am proud of taking this big lumpy lump of clay that was my body 2 years ago and molding it into a pretty darn nice sculpture (if I may say so myself), and it can do things like run races and lift heavy things and dance for 3 hours and keep up with anyone doing just about anything.  I have a group of great friends who are a hell of a lot of fun.  I have a house which I am still seeming to be able to pay mortgage, so that’ a bonus.

But, truth is, I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake.  I guess I’m lucky enough to have a variety of hits on my name that are actually me.  I’ve enjoyed some mild internet fame as Sapphyra the drunken barbarian being interviewed on gaming websites and participating in podcasts.  The pinnacle of my fame was a for real magazine distributed nationwide in the millions interviewed me and did a 2 page spread on my 3 year old game - which is actually a miracle.  However, I really had (have) this big huge desire to be famous in some way.  I want to leave my mark on humanity, and I want people to know my name as being truly excellent at…something.  This drive is what causes me to really dig into something I love and want to be good at, and can make me crazy because I WANT TO BE THE BEST AT IT.

Instead, I am not the best at anything.  I never got past level 8 in gymnastics.  I never even got to state in diving (argh, by one place, both years!) and didn’t get an athletic scholarship for college.  I had mostly bit parts in college theatre and sometimes didn’t even get cast.  I’m middle management instead of overlord of my own project.  I don’t have the fanciest car, best decorated house, and I can’t make it to all the cool parties I see and want to attend because I really enjoy my sleep in my old age.

After many years in life of wishing I could be really, really good at something and berating myself if I couldn’t, I came to a realization.  I found that to be the best in the world at one thing (or even attempt it), you have to also give up being even moderately good at mostly everything else.  Elite gymnasts have no lives outside the gym.  People who live and breathe their jobs usually end up burnt, unhealthy, and sometimes alone.  If you want to be good at something, you have to work for it.  Extraordinary results require extraordinary effort (or something like that), and effort = time.  Time is something we have a finite amount of, even if we are, in fact, perfect.

In the wisdom the comes with old age (yes, I’m going to milk this until it gets old…like me…zing! note: this was just after my 30th birthday, tee hee), it is apparent that I can only control what I do with the 24 hours I get every day, and just about nothing else.  If I want to become a better runner, guess what I need to spend some of those hours doing?  If I want to sell jewelry on Etsy, guess what I need to spend my time doing?  It’s certainly not zoning out to TV and laying on the couch for hours…

I’ve already realized that if I am NOT something, there’s no use dwelling on it.  Instead of saying that I’m a horrible person because I forgot to get my doctor visit in before 30 and I’m lazy and stupid and I’m now probably going to die because they didn’t catch a rare disease with no symptoms early enough (ok, now I AM starting to freak myself out so I should stop that…tee hee), it’s first on my list of things to do and I’ll get to it when I can (note: took me until November…).  Same with running a 10k (note: took me until April - see where my priorities are?).  Same with finishing 10 jewelery items and selling it on Etsy (note: never did this - maybe someday).  I’d say same with getting myself some new clothes/workout clothes, but I really don’t seem to have ANY problems with that.

If more people could treat themselves like their friends treat them (or like they SHOULD treat you if you have crappy friends), then we’d all be much better off.  Next time you start having perfectionist thoughts berating yourself for not being something you think you should be, start coming up with a plan to become it.  You can’t change the past, so it’s useless to lament over things that are there and will never be again.  Chances are, it will either seem silly once you start scheming about how to become an elite gymnast at the age of 30, or it will lead somewhere you never thought you could go.  I’m still working on it, but I’m not perfect.  And that’s becoming more and more ok with me.

So it was another loooooong day at work, then a 6 mile tempo at the gym (which I ROCKED even though I REALLY DID NOT WANT thank you Felice, THIS post was amazing), I’m beat.  Physically and mentally.  And I have that same deep-y thought post staring at me and I’m just staring back at it blinking with an empty brain.  Oh well, perhaps tomorrow.  I am going to be a cheater cheater bo beater (see, brains-no-worky) and make this a conversation and not me and my soapbox.  So, the dear happy lot of you, these are some things that I wonder about you.  Please feel free to comment answering any, all, or none of them.  I’m pulling this from my brain, so get ready for a technicolor ride.  Or something.

1.  Tell me one time that you were truly and completely happy.  I don’t just mean content, but full of joy.  Almost enraptured.  Like your heart was going to burst if you felt anything else.

2.  If you could eat one type of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  For example, I might say “sandwiches”.

3.  How did your significant other propose?  If you’re not married/engaged/etc, what is your dream proposal?

4.  I see you at a bar, and I say next round’s on me, and the bartender has every beverage in the world.  What do you order?

5.  What is the sneakiest thing you’ve ever gotten away with (that you’ll admit to publicly)?

6.  Tell me about the most intense, ballsy, crazy, fear-conquering, superhuman, proud-moment thing you’ve ever done in your life.

7.  If you could erase ONE thing from your history, and make like it never happened, what would it be?

8.  Hey, hot stuff.  What are you wearing?  Like right now.  No cheating.

9.  Lady Gaga, awesome or overrated?

10.  If you could time travel back 10 years, and leave yourself a very short and cryptic note so as not to screw up the time space continuum, what would you say?

And that my friends, is a DIY post if I ever saw one.  But it only works if you comment!  I’ll add mine tomorrow in between the crazy.  But here’s the catch - I’ll answer ONLY the ones that someone else answered first.  So if you have a burning desire to know my opinion of Lady Gaga, you have to offer up yours first.  I dunno - sounded like a fun, fluffy post, so let’s see if this is a fun game or it sucks balls.  However, for now, I’m taking my tired legs to bed.  Deep thought tomorrow?  Looking unlikely.  But we can always hope.

So I had a lovely, lovely *deepthought* type post planned for today and then today happened - a 2.5 hour dentist appointment, a super busy (and late) day at work, and I’m not in any capacity to do anything but shallowthought.  So hopefully tomorrow I’ll scoop out my brainpan and throw it all over.  Today, something a little lighter.

I’ve gotten a few requests for half marathon advice.  I’ve posted EXTENSIVELY on the training methods and emotions and play by plays of my runs and whatnot, but here are some random right before/during/right after the race advice I can pull together from the last race and both training endeavors. In no particular order and absolutely not inclusive of all advice - just what’s off the top of my head, I present my tips and tricks.  Not including having this chasing you (I know I’d get a PR fo sho…)

1.  Bring slippers to the race.  There is nothing like getting out of those shoes you just ran 13.1 miles in and putting on something fuzzy.  Bring a change of clothes too.  Generally you will be too tired to care, but if you’re exceptionally sweaty or it’s rainy or muddy or if you might just feel like NOT wearing what you spent the last 2+ hours running in, it’s nice to have the option.  Especially if it’s a long way home.

2.  Mentally prepare and visualize a perfect race day, and then realize it’s going to be anything but.  I was so late to my first half marathon my warmup was a half mile all out sprint to the start line and I had to haggle with the race officials to let me cross the timing start since they were taking it down.   Not a graceful start at all.  I’ve run 5ks in pouring rain and one course had sticks in part of the path.  Yeah, it’s as uncomfortable as it sounds to run on.  Shit is going to happen.  Whatever it is, you are a rockstar and you can recover from it.  Don’t let anything shake you.  This is your damn day.

3.  Don’t plan anything after the race.  You might be totally rarin’ to go and that’s cool, but you might also be so drained you can barely walk.  My first 10k, I was so pumped after we did a big long bike ride that same day.  Same after some of my double digit runs - I do believe I did a 11 mile run and a 20+ mile ride in the same day.  After the half?  WIPED the fuck out.  Just wanted to eat massive amounts of food and then go home and spend the evening with my butt planted on the couch.

4.  DO NOT DIET the week of your race.  I know you’re running less.  I know the scale might get angry with you.  Make sure to ingest lots of awesome healthy food and ignore the fact you’re only running what feels like a warmup.  Whatever was working for you before, keep it goin’.  Also, splurge after the race.  You don’t have to eat the moon, but definitely take the opportunity to have something yummy.  I mean, you just burned over 1500 calories if you ran a half marathon, and even if you ran a shorter race - you just ran the hardest you ever have in your life!  Get THAT THING that you have been salivating over.   This is THE DAY for it.

5.  Speaking of eating, eat something the night before that you know is not going to bother your tummy.  My meal was steak, fried shrimp, mashed potatoes, a loaf of bread, and salad.  Nothing spicy, which is difficult for me, and nothing from a questionable food cart.  I went with a chain steakhouse I’ve eaten at dozens of times.  Most people say stay away from so much protein and fat, but it did me great.  For me, it was VITAL I did not wake up hungry because I won’t get up early enough before the race to eat anything substantial (grumble grumble stupid early start times grumble grumble).

6.  Even if you’re not going to eat a full meal in the morning, eat something.  A protein bar or a normal AM type snack for you is good.  Something you’ve eaten close to working out and been ok.  And make sure to hydrate.

7.  What does eating lead to… hmmm?   Yeah.  Try to #1 and #2 as many times as you can before the race, #2 mostly.  It disturbed me I could not do the later for about 24 hours before the race and I was SO EFFING scared I was going to have to stop during the race but my body did me alright.  But make sure you give yourself the chance.  Once you get going the sweat should balance out the need to pee so just make sure you go before the race and you should be fine.

8.  Don’t get to the end of the race and don’t get your time reported because you went the wrong way!  Or, you might feel like this guy above.  If you have questions while running, ask the race officials.  I don’t know how many people got DQ’d on the last race but it was quite a few… it was definitely a confusing course.  The officials are there to help, don’t worry that you look stupid.

9.  Do whatever feels good after the race.  Sure, you’ll recover faster if you keep moving.  But honestly?  Who cares!  You just blew your load.  You ran your big race.  You’re probably not going to run for a few days, so don’t push yourself.  I collapsed about 100 feet after the finish line, rested, got up, hobbled to the water cooler, collapsed again, drank about 10 glasses of water, hobbled to a bench, and stretched.  I tried to do the post race thing but what I really wanted was to sit, so I left.  See #3 about not planning anything.

10.  Give yourself a break.  If you push yourself to the limit and give 110% (or do some other cheesy sports cliche phrase type thing), it’s going to take a while to get your mojo back.  Do some easy cross training  the next week.  Maaaaybe some really easy jogging-like runs.  It is going to take a WHILE to want to go either FAST or FAR.  You just spent 3 months doing some really intense things with your body.  Give it the recovery time it needs.  Go swimming.  Ride your bike.  Take up dancing.  These are the things I did for about a MONTH before I started running again.  I wondered if I would ever run again like I did before that month.  But a few months later, after resting a bit, I shredded my 5k time by almost a full minute (and more in practice).  And you know how strong I’m feeling lately.  So no matter how weak you feel shortly after, know you WILL recover.  Chill out and do some active recovery.

Other little tidbits?  Smile during the race.  You love this.  This is your day, and you are carpe-ing it.  Run hard, leave it all on the course, and have fun.  Enjoy the course (personally, I DON’T study courses which is so all against my controlling, type-A ness, but for some reason, I like the surprise that day and rolling with it).  Cheer other runners on if you get the chance.  Double knot your laces so they don’t come undone.  Carry at least one 100-calorie pure sugar source.  Don’t train with any sports drink - it’s so much better to be able to use it as your ace in the hole.   Lift your hands and celebrate wildly when you cross the finish line - it’s unlikely anyone will get a proper picture of it, but they’re cool when they come out.

Any silly or random race tips to share?  Any more serious specific half marathon or race questions you want me to answer - I mean - I’m not an expert, but this will be my 7th race in a year, so it’s not my first BBQ, so I’ll be happy to share any biased and twisted wisdom I can.

Today is brought to you by the I-word.  Yeah, injuries.  No, thank my lucky stars, I don’t have another one.  I’m actually feeling pretty great, thanks, minus a little fatigue from walking 6 miles yesterday which should hopefully subside as I sit on my ass all day at the office.  If it were a normal week, I’d be taking today off, running Tu/Thu/Sat, but life got in the way.  I’ve got a dentist appt and an industry meetup tomorrow, and lunch with the ‘rents Wednesday, so if I don’t run today I will have to get up WAY WAY too early to squeeze it in, so that makes the decision a done deal for me.

Now the reason that I’ve got injuries on the brain is THIS POST.  Mizfit captures my awe for 1) being so type B to my type A that she can just go run when she feels like it without a specific goal/race/program/etc and 2) she says she has never been injured.  Holy crap, woman, that is an accomplishment!

I’ve spent most of my life being a walking injury.  Only NOW am I realizing how abnormal that is and should be.  My excuse for everything used to be my weak ankles (if it wasn’t my size, heh).  This guy is pretty abnormal too.

When I was a wee thing I fell in love with gymnastics.  I loved the flipping, twisting, adrenaline rush associated with running full bore into something springy and propelling myself up into the air.  But as we all know, what comes up must come down.  And it doesn’t always come down quite as planned when you’re doing this over and over 5-6 times per week for 4-7 hours per day.

It’s worth mentioning that I was a fairly large gymnast, both height and mass-wise - even with all that training I was 5′3″ (I must mention that I grew 2 inches at age 16 when I quit - within probably 3 months…) and 115-125, so a fairly average weight/BMI.  I don’t look scary skinny in those pictures, I look like a normal human.  This is great for not being picked on in school, but rough on the joints.  Oh, I got pretty far because I was determined/stubborn, and I was pretty fearless, but it got to the point where to advance, the cost just seemed too high.

You see, for about the year before I quit, I had a routine.  Every day when I was getting ready, I would pop 2-4 advil, completely tape up both ankles, pull braces over the taped ankles, put on special slippers that provided a little more stability/support, and off I went.  I mean, any sane person would realize that it was time to take a break and let myself recover, right?  Well, not me, because I was a stubborn ASS and I had 2 years left before recruiters would be looking at me and I needed to get better so I could get a scholarship or life would fall apart and and and… yeah.

And my coaches never helped much - I remember the day before I came down with chicken pox I was fevery and shaky and I was almost in tears because I felt SO AWFUL but it was two days before a big meet so I was trying to push through but kinda failing.  I was yelled at, called a baby, so I got up, did what I had to do, then went and pretty much passed out on the floor while stretching.  Same with injuries - if it wasn’t in a cast, they didn’t believe it hurt enough to stay off it.

But ya know, I found a sick satisfaction in working through injuries.  That I was tougher because of it.   That I was going to overcome.

Now I know how stooooooooopid that is.  Not that I don’t have the urges, but now I have science and logic backing me up. Y’know, the knowledge that pushing through workouts when you’re sick actually makes you LOSE fitness and not resting an injury makes that body part WEAKER, not stronger.  And the only coach I have calling me a baby is the one in my head - and I’ve got some good control over her.  I just say “SCIENCE” and she shuts the hell up.

Pic unrelated, but cute!  Anyhoo, I also train much smarter now.  I don’t RELISH the strength training, but after the AMAZING gains I saw in my running post 30-Day-Shred, I am a believer.  I wish I remembered where I saw the quote, but you have to earn your right to run by strengthening and maintaining your body. In gymnastics/diving, it was just the icky I had to look like I was doing so my coaches didn’t yell at me.  For some reason, I never put two and two together that if I really ROCKED the conditioning, then I might get better.

I make sure my running has periods of ebb (running 5k distance 2 times per week and lots of cross training) and flow (last week’s mileage? 30.5 miles).  Also, I’m very in tune with my body and try to listen when it whispers so I don’t get knocked the fuck out when it shouts at me.  I know that I’ll never be immune to acute injuries like tripping and spraining my ankle, but adequate warmups and cooldowns, rest, stretching, and incremental increases in mileage/pace instead of leaps will keep me from those evil chronic overuse injuries.   It’s odd to say that I hurt myself less at 30 than I did at 13, but it’s true.

So, internet-ians, what do you think?  What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?   Have you ever just tried to “rub some dirt in it” (or slap some tape on it in my case) and just keep going?  How bad do things have to get before you cancel your workouts and just rest?

p.s.  I don’t usually do this, but Chocolate Covered Katie is a very cool chick, a runner girl, and actually makes vegan eating look awesome.  She is also giving away a vita-mix, so please never ever visit her site because I want to win it.  Okie?

Well, this week was the week of almosts.  Of getting about 90%.  Of testing my limits and finding them.  Of just not quite having the juice to put up rock solid times, but close enough that I feel good about it.  The saying is close only counts for horseshoes and hand grenades, but I think it works for training too.  When close is still putting in the miles, and still feeling pushed to the limit, I’ll take it.

Monday’s run foretold a lot.  As I complained about here, I was just not recovered from my long run + epic night of drinking + crap food.  I’ve done that same workout before minus a mile, and I’ve never felt so bleh during a sprint before.  I made it through the first two, and *probably* could have held on during the third, but since I had four to do, I went ahead and slowed from sprint to tempo pace.  I was a little disappointed, but overall, it was not so bad.  I put in the miles, and just barely missed the mark.

Wednesday was the run I was super excited/nervous about.  I totally prepared, did everything right, and then I got to mile 6 and had to slow down or I was not going to make it.  On that day, I was simply unable to run that pace for that many miles.  6 miles or 7 miles?  I could have done it.  Not 8.

Saturday’s 11 mile run, I made the awesome decision/mistake to tackle the hill that fucked me up last week TWICE.  I just didn’t recover well after it, and most of my latter miles were either just under or just over the 10 min/mile pace.  I did finish the run at a 9:57 pace, and considering miles 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, and 10 were uphill, I”m calling this a win.  I think I’m going to pick something a little flatter for my 12 miler to see if I can hit the 9:40 pace.

So that being said, I’m feeling like I did what I could, though I am definitely starting to feel some muscle fatigue that isn’t recovering in my days between runs.  So - this training method is MUCH better than the run-more one, but it is not impervious.  Oh well.  The good news is that now my tempo runs start to taper, and two weeks from now, so does everything else.  So I just have to tell my stumps-for-legs that they just have to hold out a LITTLE longer, and then we can start getting rested for the race.

I still feel badass, I still feel strong, but I don’t really feel untouchable anymore.  Which is ok.  I was getting to be a little Cockypants McGee and while confidence is good, having some runs that don’t go your way helps you learn.  I learned a lot from the runs this week.  And though I could certainly have hoped for a little more out of all three, I definitely refreshed my memory on how to recover a run that’s not going my way and still kick about 90% as much ass.

By the numbers:

Monday: 4x 1600 sprints @ 8:25 pace  - check (did 2 @ pace and then 2 @ 8:50)

Tuesday: DDR circuits - check

Wednesday: 8 mile tempo @ 8:55 pace - check (ended up at 9:07 pace)

Thursday: DDR circuits - check

Friday: off

Saturday: 11 mile run @ 9:40 pace - check (ended up at 9:57 pace)

Sunday: off - actually cross trained (6 mile hike around the hood) for next week due to a) beautimous day and b) weekday shenanigans, so I can have an extra day off.

So, next week.  This week and next week, and then it’s taper.  Getting close!  Less than a month away!

Monday: 6×800 sprints @ 8:10 pace (4:05 per 800)

Tuesday: DDR circuits

Wednesday: yoga/off

Thursday: 6 mile tempo run

Friday: yoga/off

Saturday: 15k race pace (shooting for somewhere under 9:40)

Sunday: off

So a little less mileage, but 3 super intense fast pace runs.  If I can get through Monday’s on not-completely-rested legs, I think I will be alright.  Send good, happy, zippy thoughts!  What do you do when you’re partway through a run (or workout) and don’t think you’re going to make it?