adjustedreality.com

It was a weird week - I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel at the end of it.  Monday, I rocked my sprints.  I completely and totally rocked them.  I rocked them like Amadaus (come and rock me Amadeus… and total tangent, did anyone else used to sing “I’m a danish, I’m a danish…I’m a danish?).  Anyhoo - sadly, I had given myself permission to fail at them.  I was going to be ok if I was about to die after 4, quit there.  Or if I had to take the last 2 a little slower, I was going to be ok with that.  I had a helluva day at work, I even kinda did something I haven’t done in a while and ate some cake because I was pissed off after I was totally full from lunch, and then for some reason it became REALLY important to me to do this.  Just to show myself I could.  Just to take control of SOMETHING that day when everything else was out in orbit.

And honestly - it almost felt easier than it should have.  Sure, it was tough, but it wasn’t TOUGH.  Maybe that’s me getting stronger.  Maybe it was me refusing to let the run beat me.  Whatever it was, it was damn nice.  It was one important crazy run down, one to go.

Tuesday and Wednesday were more crappy crazy days   I was in such a mood, never mind the working late, so I just managed to get about 30 mins half assed weight training in and take the other day off.  These strength exercises may or may not have been between/during drinks on the patio.  I may possibly be insane and completely irresponsible, but I was getting a kick out of doing  lat raises in my skirt and heels with a bourbon chaser.

Thursday I knew I had to get back to it, and it wasn’t SUCH a bad day, and it was 4 mile tempo day.  As I said last week, it was pretty cake.  Instead of just being a ball of limp putty, I was able to do 30 mins on the arc trainer after.  To make up for the severe lack of any other movement beyond runs.  The plan was to do some circuit training but I was soooo done with doing anything but dinner and chillin’ on the couch, and figured I’d just rest up for Saturday’s run.  So my cross training this week?  30 mins weights, 30 mins arc trainer.  Not optimal.  Not at all.  I was feeling pretty meh about it all this week but then Saturday came.

I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.  The weather report was not looking kind - there were very few hours of the day that would feel like they were above freezing with the wind.  I got up in the morning and we grabbed some early lunch - tuna sammiches from Schlotzky’s - oddly enough they are the only tuna I will eat out because they do albacore and light mayo (so the sandwiches aren’t like 50000 calories), and they are taaassssty.  So I ate that around 11, and we sorta bopped around the neighborhood, and then I got home and very very leisurely got ready and I set out around 1:30.

It was a little cold when I first set out, but once I got running it wasn’t so bad.  I decided to just do my neighborhood laps over and over so I could drop by the house if I needed to pick up or drop off layers.  I set out with warm water in my camelback, swedish fish for rocket fuel, and the promise to myself that I would treat myself to the hot chocolate I was craving, but only if I made my pace goal of 9:40.  I felt super strong the first lap and went well below pace, the second lap I slowed a bit, the third - around mile 6, the tuna really started talking to me.  I don’t usually eat so much before a run, usually a protein bar and maaaaybe some fruit if it’s later in the day, so at first I was cursing myself.  Then after I got through the cramps I realized that I was feeling something different than normal - I wasn’t hungry.   Usually around then I’d pop my rocketfuel.  I didn’t actually use it at all.  I ran 12 miles hard with no sugar.  That was pretty incredible.

So besides figuring out that eating a big meal is good if I can let it settle/deal with the possible side cramps (probably not for the race at 7am, but for future reference), what else?  Well, I’ve also learned another interesting thing about my running for long races… I went out really fast (about 9 minute miles the first lap) and was a little worried, but it was a MUCH better run than the last one where I tried to save it all for the end.  I seem to self correct my pace pretty well.  So my strategy is to go out as fast as it’s comfortable and don’t try to stay one pace and bust ass if I need a quick slowdown.  I was running 10:30 miles on the uphill parts and the short time where my side cramps flared up.  When I felt good and it was flat or downhill, I went closer to 9 minute miles or even faster.  As long as it averages out to the pace I want, it’s fine.  And that’s why I’m training those sprints and tempos - so I’m comfortable running faster than the pace I need to go for an extended period of time.

I finished the run in 1:55:10.  9:35 pace.  I am thrilled and feel quite confident now about the race.  I definitely feel like I had a bit of oomph left at the end, and if I was running to feel entirely wasted and spent at the end I might have been able to go faster.  So under 2 hours?  Still possible.  I’m thinking under 2:05 is more reasonable.

Next week - taper week 1.  I still can’t believe I’m just 2 weeks out.  I’m definitely ready for it, I’d like to do something different for a while.  3 months of pace pace pace has been awesome for improving my running, but it’s been a little tedious.  I so enjoyed my scenic and slow 9 miler last weekend, and look forward to more of those as I work on getting used to being on my feet for 4 hours at a time.  But first things first - lets rest up those legs.

Monday: 4×800 sprints @ 4:02 per, 400m recovery in between, 1 mile warmup and cooldown.  Easy peasy, nice and short.  I’m not sure when 5 miles with 2 of them sprinting because a stroll through the park but hey, I’ll take it.

Tuesday: DDR circuits (I was going to taper strength 2 weeks ahead of time but I think 1 week will be fine)

Wednesday: 3 mile tempo @ 8:55 min/mile pace - it’s like a 5k, pretty close to my PR pace from last summer.  Again, when did that become easy?

Thursday: DDR circuits

Friday: off

Saturday: 8 mile run @ 9:40  min/mile pace

Sunday: off

Fairly easy week.  I really slacked on yoga this week (though I DID stretch really well every running day), I need to not do that this week.  No injuries please!

So, here it is.  I find myself in a LOUSY ASS mood today.  I even blargharlargalarghed in the comments at poor Mizfit, who being the mayor of blogsville, spread the word that today was the day to post what we were thankful for, and link back to HERE, who started the idea of tweetsgiving, and everyone in the twitter and blogosphere should share what they were thankful for.  And apparently leave our participles dangling.  Oh yeah, dangle that participle baby.

Anyhoo, I find myself in a LOUSY ASS mood.  I don’t think that adequately describes it.  Given any sort of outcome, today is the day I wouldn’t have found any of them favorable.  Given the winning lottery ticket, I would have been bitching about paying the taxes on it, and not being able to decide WHICH Rolls Royce I was going to buy.  That kind of mood.  Where you know you’re being ridiculous, but just can’t find a way to pull yourself out of it, and really just don’t care.  I’m so rarely in a bad mood I almost want to indulge myself sometimes.  Like, I’m still pretty grumpy but I’m almost laughing at myself because I know how silly I am when I’m pouty like this.

So yes.  For the 3rd time, LOUSY ASS mood.  Some crap at work that I loathe to go into on my blog, some frustration at poor planning on my part in my social calendar, and some wanting people to bend to my will without luck, and nothing was goddamn going my way.  I was also ridici-busy so I was also grumpy that I wasn’t able to put up my fuckity fucking post about being fucking grateful for a bunch of awesome fucking crap in my life.

LOUSY ASS MOOD.  Did I mention?

I had thoughts like - “If only everyone in my life can leave me goddamn alone and let me do what I want, maybe I could actually be a novelist/marathoner/90 lb waif/whatever flavor of the month Quix dream is.”  But that happened once.  I worked and worked and worked and worked to try to be something until it encompassed everything else in my life.  Once I took the blinders off I was so shocked at how much the rest of my life was in ruin, I changed.

So thank you, to my family and friends, for saving me from myself.  I want to dedicate this post to you, even if very few of you read this.  Besides all the normal stuff - being there for me, good times, hugs, support, etc (which I will surely go into next post when I feel a bit more sane), I want to talk about all the completely selfish and weird reasons I am lucky to have all the people in my life.

If it were just up to me, and I was just alone in my own vaccuum, it would be all work and no play.  I would spend every waking moment trying to be something or do something or better myself.  I would stock my fridge full of rabbit food and lean meat.  I would probably workout hours per day, and then write until I fell asleep.  Or I would go back to school and start at one end of the catalog and work my way through.  I might learn how to program my own games.  I might be able to finally lose all the weight without all those temptations around me and finally wear those super skinny jeans without the tummy pudge pokin’ out.  Hell, I might be able to run something more than this rinky dinky little blog.

I forget to have fun.  I forget to make those awesome memories like margaritas at sunset on the lake.  Or lounging around in PJs all day finishing a game.  Or the fun of cooking a huge feast for people who either like my cooking and bartending skills or were at least nice enough to pretend.  Or my bachelorette party where I rolled 10+ girls deep with a penis crown all night.  Or staying up late on a stolen weekday and talking about life.  Or laying in the grass in my yard and looking up at the clouds and trying to figure out what they all look like.  Or the cruise where we played at least 6 rounds of mexican train (dominos) and all took turns winning.  Or, the pinnacle of awesome - our wedding where we had so many awesome and loving and supportive people around us celebrating our special day where I felt like a pretty pretty princess.

Besides being awesome human beings, you keep me from being too much…me.  Without someone to help balance me, and remind me that there is life outside megamaniac mode, I get way too focused and then just frizzle-fry-burn out.  I might curse your name when I’m running a little hungover or behind on my writing, but seriously, I would be one boring evil genious without ya’all.  That occasional piece of cheesecake make all the salad days worthwhile.  The promise of drunken hookey days make those ass-dragging technical meetings where I don’t understand anything but have to take notes bearable.  The fun times might not contribute to any goals I have in life, but the memory and the promise of more makes the responsible things just that much more ok.

Most of all - I am thankful for my Zliten.  He’s the one that has to deal with the day-to-day, and he’s gotten very good at knowing when I need to be left alone in my little mad-scientist world, and when I need to be pulled the heck out.  I am thankful for him in many, many, many other ways that are way too plentiful to go into here.  But today, I am most thankful for him and his ability to monitor my crazy and pull me out of it before I lose it completely.

Now, a little more wine and back to NaNoWriMo-ing.  I might not make my 50k words but I’m going to try.  A more coherent and all inclusive thankfulness list in the very near future, I promise.

Life feels a lot like this lately.  Sometimes I miss being so megamaniacally (my made up word, deal) focused on ONE BIG THING because it was easy to ignore all those awesome and time consuming possibilities on the horizon.  All that mattered in my life was my Zliten, and work.  Everything else was completely trivial.  If I didn’t get groceries one week, we just got takeout.  We rarely got invited out and we weren’t generally expected to show up.  Hobbies?  I listed them on my resume as playing games (usually testing out what I was working on), swimming (I would occasionally walk downstairs and jump in the pool to cool off), web design and art (it had been YEARS), anime and sci fi (watching while working).  My friends, I was a 4.0 student that had no extracurricular activities.

Now, my life is completely different.  I’m like that kid with the middling GPA that doesn’t try very hard in class but gets by, but is president of the glee club, in student council, plays on the soccer team, and also knits afghans for the homeless in quilt club.  For example, this week, I have just about every hour outside work mapped out.  Yesterday was catching up on my novel, dinner, and cleaning the bedroom.  It was naaaaasty (said like Clevland).  Today I ran and shredded before work, now work, lunch out, work, obtain groceries for party food, novel, then bed.  The rest of the week doesn’t get much better.  It’s all pretty much diet hell as well unless I remain a pillar of motivation and stability.   This last week was my reprieve, and I did alright.  This week, it’s on like donkey kong.  Battle Royale of Quix vs Too Much Food And Booze.

I always spend some time self negotiating here.  The fight between lazy self and truthy self.  “Why not quit NaNoWriMo?” says lazy.  “It’s a busy month and it’s your first time trying.  You’ve got a good start.  Give yourself six months and see if you can get it done by then.”

Then, truthiness self steps up.  “No!  You always say you want to be a writer.  If you give this up, you know you’ll lose steam and it will be just one more failed manuscript.  It’s one month.  It’s 50,000 words.  You blog about half that in a month.  Suck it up, buttercup!”

Truthiness self is totally right and lazy pouts.

“Well, then something’s gotta give, right?”  Lazy says.  “Maybe I should just cut down the exercising.  I’ve done 3 weeks of shredding, that’s enough right?”

Truthiness self pounds her fist down on the proverbial table.  “Ok, let’s stop when you’re finally having the first results you’ve seen in months.  And let’s not even begin to entertain the thought of letting go of your eating.”

“But-” Lazy protests.  Stupid mind reading truthiness self.

“Hey - you know as well as I do.  It takes no extra time to control your portions and choose healthy things from the menu.   No excuse.”

Lazy is totally pouting here.  This could have been her excuse to order some really awesome greaseball food at the company event on Wednesday, the outing Friday, and completely go crazy Saturday night at the party.  “Who would blame me?  I’m totally busy this week.  Busy people eat junk food, right?”

Truthy rolls her eyes at Lazy.  “Other busy people eat junk food.  YOU are better than that.  YOU know that all that noise is comfort eating.  YOU know your body feels better when you don’t consume junk.”

Lazy grumbles.  “Fine, I give.  So what’s the deal.  What do I do?”

Truthy gets a little too close (come on, personal space, self!) and looks Lazy in the eyes.  “Like I said, suck it up, buttercup.  You want to write this novel.  You want to lose this weight.  You want to maintain this fitness.  You planned this party this weekend.  These are all things you want to do.  WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT THE ABUNDANCE OF AWESOME THINGS GOING ON THIS WEEK?”

Lazy wipes this spit off her face.  Truthy is a little enthusiastic sometimes.  “You are so right.  I just need to get on with myself and do it.”

Truthy smiles and pats Lazy on the butt.  “Good kid.  Now get out there.”  Not entirely sure why my hard ass self is trying to do an impression of my middle school gym teacher, but there you go.  Welcome to my head.

What I need to remember is that there is never a goddamn good time to do anything.  When I started doing this healthy living thing, I was surrounded by people (minus the Zliten who was trying to do it with me) that were either ambivalent, skeptical, or unsupportive.  I cannot think of a good time in the last 3 years to have written a novel.  I can’t think of a month that hasn’t been a whole lot of crazy.  Last spring was not a particularly good time to start training for a half marathon.  In fact, heat training sucked.  I never got surrounded by this healthy living bubble that made it all easy.  This morning I was accosted by a cupcake the size of one my shrunken buttcheeks in the break room, but I didn’t give in.

Things may have been simpler then when I only cared about one thing, but when I took the blinders off and saw the rest of my life in ruination, I knew that I had to bring back some balance, some harmony, some remedy to all-work-and-no-play makes Quix a fat evil genius-wannabe.  Between discovering that there was indeed life outside of work and shedding approximately one petite human being from my physical mass, the blinders were way off and my head was up in the clouds, dreaming about all these new awesome things I could do.

I’m good at the dreaming.  What I need practice at is the doing.  It’s easy to make excuses that life is too busy, and you’ll wait for a better time to start working out, start that novel, start cooking dinner instead of getting take out, take a clogging class, etc.  I’m here to tell you now - your life is not going to get any easier.  Unless you have extreme circumstances (aka, you work crazy hours for 3 months and then have 3 months off, or something similar), there is NO GOOD TIME to start something.  You just need to decide to grab time by the huevos, look it squarely in the eyes, and tell it that you’re going to be watching it closely, making sure that it doesn’t slip away.

So there you have it.  I am going to make it through this crazy busy week, my writing is not going to suffer, my workouts are not going to suffer, and I am going to make the healthiest choices I can out and about this week.  I am not going to sacrifice sleep, and I am not going to get stressed about it.  There are 24 usable hours in each day, I just need to make the most of the waking ones for the time being.

Few things to talk about today so it’s sort of a scatterbrain Tuesday!  Get ready for the smorgasbord!

Yesterday:

*Ok, squeamish boys, you might just want to skip this section - go on then.*

So yesterday, my post kinda reeked of melodrama.  I wasn’t sure what the heck was going on in my brain.  Sure, that number on the scale was enough to floor me but then little things at work were affecting me more than I should and I was just feeling awfully ill.  I went to empty and fill (my bladder and my water glass, respectively) and started freaking out because I thought something was wrong with me.

After a few minutes of puzzling out what day it was - it’s the first time I’ve been early for TOM in… years probably.  But only a few days so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.  I am under so much less stress this month than I have been in about a year maybe (taking it easier on the workouts, wedding stuff done), that my 33-ish day stress induced cycle is off.  Once I realized that’s what it was, it made so much sense.  THAT is where probably half of the bloat came from (the other half salt).  THAT is why I was really feeling ill.  THAT is why people at work were making me emotional.

I came home, took pain killers, and curled up on the couch.  Yes, I even skipped my workout.  I’ll make it up later this week.  I needed it.  I’m down 2.1 of the 7 lbs today and I expect they will fall off this week as it progresses.

Occam’s razor - most often, the simplest explanation is the right one.

Shredding:

So I’ve been doing the 30 day shred, and it’s been interesting to say the least.  I always discount short workouts a bit - I can do anything for 20 minutes, right?  Well, Jillian definitely pushes that theory to the limits.

The videos have you doing her 3-2-1 system - 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs.  During the strength portion you do one sort of isolating arm move for 30 seconds, then arms and legs for 1 minute, and then repeat.  During the cardio section you do one exercise for 30 seconds, then a different one for 30 seconds, and then repeat.  During abs, you do abs.  For example, one circuit is chest flys for 30 seconds, then side lunges with anterior raises for 1 minute (then repeat) for the strength portion, then jumping jacks for 30 secs and punches in a squat for 30 secs (then repeat) for cardio, and then bicycle crunches for 1 minute for abs.

So Day 1 I had no respect.  I was like, ok, this is cake, and went for a 5k immediately after.  The next day, I was kinda sore.  Which isn’t too hard to believe - I worked different muscles than normal.  Then I realized I had to do it again.  The second day - that was tough.  The third day?  I decided it was a shred and yoga instead of the additional cardio I had planned because I was so incredibly sore.  Day 4 I felt better because of my little rest and ran again after, and that made me sore as hell for Day 5, where I blew off the rest of my cardio.  I was pretty sore through the weekend, but I think that was also attributed to being on my feet most of the day on Saturday and then dancing my hiney off at the party.

By yesterday morning (Day 6) I was feeling better and though I blew off additional cardio it wasn’t because I was sore.  This morning I moved on to level 2 and I have 2 words for you - SQUAT THRUSTS.  Ugh.  Some of it was easier (the ab workout was pretty weak in comparison I thought but we’ll see what’s sore later), some of it was harder (hiya, cardio, you actually felt like a workout), and I can tell different muscles are sore.  The plan is to stay with this another 6-7 days, and then move on to level 3 and finish the 4 weeks out there.

My impressions after a week-

The Good:

-It is a kick ass workout if you only have 30 minutes to spare from start to cooldown/stretch.  Even a 5k takes me longer and that’s typically my shortest workout.

-You will most likely find some new awesome moves.  Lunges + bicep curls?  Painfully awesome!

-I haven’t been this sore and also felt this much improvement in the strength side of things in a while.

The Bad:

-While I definitely feel an intensity to it, I don’t think it’s enough time.  I need some running, DDR, and yoga in there. 6 mins of cardio bursts per day doesn’t feel like it’s doing my running any service.

-The first week of almost utter and complete soreness made it really tough to WANT to do anything else.  I had the best success going for runs immediately after shredding because I was warm (and might continue that trend on short and fast runs), but splitting workouts into morning and afternoon is NOT optimal with this as I cool down, get sore, and then have to get back into something else 9 hours later just as my body is starting to repair.

-It is rough on your body.  I trained for a half marathon with very few aches and pains and this short workout gave me minor knee and ankle aches.  I question whether doing it every day (ok, 5 days a week for me as I just don’t do a week with no rest days) or even consecutive days is good for you.  As Jillian says it helps you adapt quickly, but at what cost?

-It’s boooooring doing the same things every day.  I’m trying to follow instructions for now but I think I’d rather rotate between the levels during the week.

The verdict:

Gonna stick with it for the next 4 weeks, 5-6 days a week.  After that - I think it gets thrown into the strength training rotation.  I expect to look a little firmer once it’s done but I don’t expect miracles unless I really put a little more effort into my consumption.  I think this would also be the PERFECT workout for crunch time at work when 30 mins is about what I’ve got and just do it every day before work.

I am going to make doing the shred my first priority.  That is, if all I can do in a day is shred, that’s ok.  I have 2 yogas, 2 DDRs, and 2 runs planned as well, but I have to listen to my body.  If I’m going to die, I need to rest.  I have 2 weeks post-shred before a 5 mile race, and then that week I start half training.  I don’t want to come out of this weaker than I was.  That being said, I cannot forsee doing this more than 2-3 times per week max if I want to also continue running.

Zliten also tried it yesterday.  He has been complaining ever since. ::grin::  I don’t think he’s going to do the every day shredding, but it’s an option for him on days he doesn’t want to leave the house.

So, my dear internetians… I leave this in your hands to continue the discussion?  Ever had TOM just completely sneak up on you and you thought you were going crazy?  What’s everyone else think of the shred?  What’s going on with your Tuesday?

Pictures from nataliedee.com… because they are adorable.

So my big thing is no guilt.  No regrets.  But it’s hard not to regret and rib yourself a bit if you treated yourself so poorly over the weekend that you are feeling physically ill about it.  And by “you”, I mean me.  Consider yourselves my proverbial priests, while I give you a full confessional.  I’ll give you a play by play of the carnage.

My first mistake was going out Friday night.  I knew I had a party lined up the next night, yet I couldn’t wait.  I didn’t go too crazy and I ate well (I was a good girl and ordered chipotle tacos with meat, lettuce, salsa, and that’s it, and that was the worst thing food-wise I had all day), but there was definitely whiskey involved.  And I was up until almost 5am.  And I skipped the DDR part of my workout.  Mostly because I was sore and wanted to die, but partly because I didn’t have time - friends were already over and food was sitting on the counter after Jillian kicked my butt.

My second mistake was sleeping in Saturday, lazing around, and then having to run all over town getting things for my costume.  I missed my sixth day of Shred.  Six days is more than I usually do, but considering 2 of those days were only 20 min shred workouts, I still owed myself a workout.  And I didn’t do it.

My third mistake was following my advice for parties - I had a very small and what I thought was filling snack before I headed out, but I guess a gardenburger wasn’t enough.  I was so seriously hungry I downed an OBSCENE amount of junk food there because I was STARVING.  On top of that, I could only obtain a one liter of diet soda and had to move on after that to sugared punch and soda.  Ugh.

My fourth mistake was lunch on Sunday.  It wasn’t that it was so unhealthy - it was just so BAD.  We went to try out what we thought was a new soup and salad bar, but it ended up being more of a straight buffet, and probably the worst one in town we’ve had thus far.  Everything was fatty and greasy and bleh (except that salad, that was alright- but the topping bar was pretty small).

My fifth mistake?  Not making up my skipped workout on Sunday.  I had convinced myself somehow that I should rest today so I didn’t tire myself out, but I think it was more about the hangover.  I usually punish myself by working through hangovers but not so much yesterday.

My sixth and final nail in the coffin was dinner.  Calorie-wise, I was a freaking saint.  We got chinese takeout and I had wonton soup, veggie delight, and one bite of orange chicken.  And about half a cup of rice.  The problem is - I ended up with a gigantic portion of the wonton soup + broth and it was especially salty, so I am Bloaty McBalloonperson today.

I will say some good things about this weekend though:

1.  I didn’t partake of the late night fast food runs either night.  I had a few fries off Zliten’s plate Friday but that’s it.

2.  I did dance my ass of for a while at the party Saturday.  Plus I was shopping for 3 hours - shopping is cardio, right?

3.  I made good food choices with what I had to work with Sunday.  I went for non fried stuff (minus one small taste of fried fish which was honestly the best thing on the buffet :P) and loaded up on veggies and non-sauce covered protein.  Chinese, I ate probably just about the lowest calorie foods on the menu and was actually pretty satisfied with what I got instead of feeling diet-punished.

However, the truth is today the scale is saying unthinkable things that I am going to throw out as a mulligan.  I’ll give myself a day or 2 being healthy to detox and I should be back in business.  The problem: I have just about the same weekend to face next weekend.  I have high hopes going into each weekend and then it all falls apart.  It’s one hundred percent my fault.  While I’d love to get persnickety about people around me not being the best influences and yadda yadda yadda, I am the one making the choices.  I am the one who controls my destiny.

I am the one who had to have her heart jump out of her chest practically today because of what she saw on the scale.  Yeah, it was that ridiculous.  Who gains seven lbs in 2 days?  That would be me, people.  I am really going to have to get it together if I want to accomplish project: the last effing 20 lbs.

But really, all I can do is analyze, figure out how to be better next time, and move on.  So that I will.  This week, I will stop letting those close to me be enablers.  If I choose to go out drinking and find myself hungry because of it, fuck it.  Being hungry is not the worst thing in the world.  If I have the strength to run a half marathon, and the capability to come up with a training plan - I can figure this out.  I’m not a dumb bunny, but I sure played one this weekend.

So, I guess here is last week by the numbers:

Monday: under 1400 1500 calories, Shred Lvl 1, 30 mins DDR 5k run (had an itch to run, so I ran instead)

Tuesday: under 1400 1500 calories, Shred Lvl 1, 5k run 30 mins DDR (switched from Monday, and at lower intensity than normal because - um, sore!)

Wednesday: under 1400 1500 calories, Shred Level 1, 30 mins DDR yoga (was about to die from soreness so I yoga’d out)

Thursday: under 1400 1500 calories, Shred Level 1, 5 mile run 5k run (just didn’t have a 5 miler in me)

Friday: under 1500 1700 calories, Shred Level 1

Saturday: healthy eating until the Halloween party, Shred Level 1

Sunday: under 1500 calories (who knows), rest

So this week is:

Monday: under 1400 calories, Shred Lvl 1, 30 mins DDR

Tuesday: under 1400 calories, Shred Lvl 2, 5 mile run

Wednesday: under 1400 calories, Shred Level 2, yoga

Thursday: under 1400 calories, Shred Level 2, 5k run

Friday: under 1500 calories, Shred Level 2, 30 mins DDR

Saturday: under 2000 calories, Shred Level 2, yoga

Sunday: under 1500 calories, rest

So yes, pretty much a do-over of last week, and moving up to level 2 of the Shred.  Since this post is already looking to be like a novel, I’ll talk more about the shred and other random stuff tomorrow.

How was your weekend?  Anyone else want to pull up a chair to the confessional?  If you had a saintly weekend, wanna give me some tips?

Just wanted to give a quick update, as now that I’ve spewed the vile stuff out, I feel purged of it.  I’ve been in a much better mood today.  It might also be that I’m finally wearing the skinny jeans that haven’t fit since vacation and the scale put my back into the 153’s, but whatevs.  I’ll take it any way I can get it.

4-day work (out) weeks.  I had much success doing them.  Those 4 days were hell on wheels and I spent literally 2 hours from changing into and out of my gym clothes, but I did see some decent progress.  Zliten was kind enough to remind me of that.  While I am enjoying the 30 mins here, 20 mins there I’ve been doing (and it certainly added up to just as much if not more than I was doing in my 4 day plan), maybe my body likes the marathon sessions and more rest days.   Something to ponder if I’m still not seeing results, though that goes out the window as soon as half training starts.

Stress.  I like to discount it, because while I love plans and schedules and lists, I also am usually pretty low on the stress-0-meter.  Whatever happens at work, usually stays at work.  My home life is awesome sauce.  But since the three pronged attack on my psyche came into focus, dust has been kicked up around here and I guess I am feeling a little more tense than normal.  I find occasionally I can’t go back to sleep and sit up thinking about shit.  Which is very, very not normal for me, especially since I started running.  Running = sleep like a baby all night.  So once Zliten is back to work and the wedding is done, things will calm down to about normal and I can relax.

Stability.  I was an idiot and starved my way through my half training, at least I think.   Zliten thinks I am also eating now more than I did then (except a heavy meal once or twice a week before long runs) and I am running 6 miles a week to my 25 then.  My body is probably trying to figure out what the heck is going on and is just getting readjusted to having enough food.

I am going to take my skinny jeans wearing, mood-swinging, stressball ass to the bridal shop for my dress fitting now.  Ciao, bellas.  More later.

I’m feeling a bit adrift this week.  The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity.  If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post.  I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year.  Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here.  Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.

Weekly Recap:

So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity.  Without further ado, here we go:

Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)

Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)

Total calorie average per day = 1563

Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.

This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale.  So why am I frightened to get on it?  Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.

Scale Woes:

The scale has become a big issue for me lately.  I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control.  However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that.  If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month.  I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks).  I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week.  Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s.  But that 150 barrier is holding strong.  I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week.  The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2.  I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good.  And I can tell it’s not just scale weight.  Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined.  No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Mental Madness:

I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way.  I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like.  “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?”  And the worst part - “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.”  That’s the one that bothers me the most.  Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to.  I exercise like crazy.  I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan.  I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t.   I think that’s what frustrates me.  I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs.  Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside - that would really, really be nice too.

The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts.  I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something.  And I have no desire to stop.  It’s just the eating part.  And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.

It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore.  I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate.  It was something I could incorporate with my life long term.  Then it just stopped working.  The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly - not productive for me OR the wall.

I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me.  Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight.  I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right?  Well, it’s not good enough.  I’m NOT happy at this weight.  I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy.  I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life.  And I’m not there yet.

The Plan:

This is the problem.  I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”.  I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later.  The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t.  And eat more and move less just seems like craziness.  I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else.  Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day.  That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet.  And maybe that fact should scare me too.  The point is-

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM.  ARGHHHH!

I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return.  However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress.   I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.

So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-

1.  Get on the scale every day.  Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.  Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world.  Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.

2.  Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can.  Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg.  Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week).  Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time.  Bleh.

3.  Lower my (unreasonable) expectations.  If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding.  I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.

4.  Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s.  I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately.   I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else.  I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine.  Fried shrimp will still exist later.

5.  Try not to let any of this affect my mood.  I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year).  I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle.  I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes.  I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day.  My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.

Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post.  Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed.  icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute.

So I have a moment to breathe.  I should probably be working but I think a short update is in order and it’s lunchtime anyhoo.

Being that I have no idea who reads this, I don’t particularly want to air any specific dirty employment-related laundry.  I’m happy to talk about my previous stint of being a total workaholic and how it mentally affected me, because that reflects on me.  My feelings, my emotions, and my process of becoming a person again who is not only identified as my job title and game title all belong to me.  It does not reflect on the management at SOE because I was given a wild amount of freedom to do with what I would.  I could have worked my 40 hours, done my job, and went home, but I didn’t.  I still don’t regret it because it was an amazing experience and a huge experiment in stretching and smashing my comfort zone, but I also don’t regret reclaiming my life.

What I won’t do is run previous coworkers under the bus in my blog.  I would never talk professional smack about someone I crossed paths with at work.  The games industry is too small and incestuous to do that.  I’ve seen too many bridges burnt that caused major trouble in the future.  There is a joke about the “form letter” that gaming people send out over email on their last day/week - it is required that you mention something about “you worked with the most talented and bright individuals” and “you hope to get a chance to work with them again”.  When it came time to write mine about 2 years ago, it was absolutely true.  I still wish I could fold some of the employees that worked for or with me into my team, and I definitely miss and respect some of the managers I worked for there.

This is a story that must leave out some of the juicy bits.  Suffice it to say, I saw an ancillary communication that made me a little angry.  I put it in my pocket though, because it was not directed to me.  Essentially, it was the equivalent of seeing a facebook message from a friend to another saying “OMG you’re my best friend we have the most fun when we hang out, you’re the bestest person I know”.  This leaves you thinking… “what about me, huh”?  But who in their right mind can be truly offended by that, right?  I have pretty thick skin so I just pretty much filed it under the “gee, I wonder what’s up with that” folder in my brain.

Wednesday, I come into work and got indirectly reprimanded for something for which I thought I was doing a fine job.  If I hadn’t seen that little message above, I would have probably grumbled and shaken it off, but it actually sent me into a small tirade at my direct manager ranting.  I don’t do tirades often, I’m pretty relaxed at work.  I calmed down after a few minutes and then said I’ll do what I could to validate what I thought was a ridiculous and insulting request, but only to the point where it didn’t feel ridiculous and demeaning.  Later that day, I found out I was moving teams.

At first I thought it to be a reflection of the management’s perception of the job I was doing, but it ended up being that the request I thought was insulting was simply DUE to the impending change (not the change DUE to the request, like I thought).  It’s not that I needed babysitting (for a task I’ve been doing for years), which is what I thought the directive implied.  So I went home a bit shaken - I was told at 4pm I was moving teams, and that it would start the next morning.  I talked with my new boss all afternoon and got overloaded with facts and felt completely overwhelmed.  Instead of dance lessons and relaxing, there was some whiskey and contemplation with my Zliten.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything but talk it out and think about it and lubricate my synapses with a bit of the sauce.

Why?  Well, I fear change.  Like I said before, I think my grass is pretty green.  Even if it’s kinda yellow, who knows how brown it is over the hill?  I prefer the evil I know.  I like change in small, incremented, planned amounts, and initiated by ME.  I don’t like ripping bandaids off.  I can make some decisions that seem wild and crazy to the outside world, but believe you me… I’ve already, in my head, mentally tested the waters and have acclimated myself with the idea of something before I do it if I have any say in it.  I wish sometimes to be one of those people who can make snap judgements and produce decisions at the drop of a hat, but I am just not that girl.  I want to really mean something when I make a statement of intention, so I don’t make them lightly.

Needless to say, the first few days have been EXTREMELY busy getting up to speed and I actually have more to do over here.  Couple that with some minor emergencies, new directives from the execs, and the fact that my boss is out on vacation this week (great timing, huh?)… makes for a wild first week.  I assume things will return to a normal level of crazy soon, but for now between this and all the rest of the silliness that is my life, blogging might be a little bit more scarce.

I do have to say though - all in all, I’m liking it.  I’m now on the new unannounced title so I get a chance to hone my skills shipping a game (I’ve previously pretty much specialized in live maintenance - aka expanding on a previously shipped game and updating it).  I’m liking the team I work with.  It seems a little more relaxed, while still being focused, which I’m happy with as well.  I was specifically put in this position because of my experience with sound, which makes me happy because I’m working with sound more again and that’s been one of my favorite parts of my job this year.  I think I’ll also be able to claim experience running a small sound department - and in Austin, audio production experience/management is totally fab to have on a resume.  I’m sure I’ll find things about it that DON’T make me happy, but for now I’m calling it a win.  I’ll reserve more judgement until later.

Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was doing ok - I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled ranting about this evil plateau and how I can’t bring myself to run in the morning when it’s over 80 degrees at 8am soon.

Ok, so I’m having a bad day.  Went to bed grumpy, didn’t get enough sleep, woke up grumpy, didn’t have time for a workout to shake the grump, and people are grumpy and yelling at each other here.  Needless to say, this is not a banner day.  Oh, it WILL get better at 5pm when I leave work and get dolled up and go to the monthly Yelp event but I almost don’t even feel like it right now (however, nothing a little primping and whiskey can’t cure).  What’s at the root of my bad day?  What could have turned it all around this morning?  I hate to admit it, but it’s the scale.  We’re usually pretty good friends.  He’ll tell me the truth, I’ll thank him for telling me the truth and measuring my progress.

Today, I cursed at him.  He pretty much said to me, “Yeah, I know you’ve been busting your butt for a week and a half now.  I don’t care.  Here’s a disgusting weigh in number from February for your efforts.”  Yes, I last weighed in on 2/12 at 154.8.  Le sigh…

I think the problem is that I’m making the effort.  I understand when I’m letting lose a little or half-assing it, but I am really trying.  Last night, my fiance and friend decided to have some cocktails.  I refrained because I was being good.  They went out to the diner and got chicken fried steak and hashbrowns at midnight and then after hit the bar.  I kept my calories at 1320 for the day, and sipped crystal light all evening with crushed ice.  I tried to go to bed early but shit just kept going wrong and I couldn’t fall asleep.  Not a good preface to stepping on the scale and seeing a number from the way back days.

MizFit yesterday did a great post on Overtraining (and Undereating).I am so glad I trained for and ran my half marathon.  It put things into perspective.  There is a time and a place for intentional overtraining (2 hour runs?  30 mile running weeks with 60 mins+ cross training, 2 full body weights sessions and 2 yoga sessions? yeah…).  After the initial “omg I’m done what’s next” freakout, I realized that my body was happy to crank it down a notch or 5.  I won’t stop racing, but I will be much more responsible about my workouts between race training.  I’m still “working out” most days but way less intense, and mostly fun stuff.  It really got me thinking about my eating - am I really undereating?  Is that even possible?

The eating thing is what’s tripping me up and I know it’s my achillies heel.  The only way I’ve succeeded thus far is if I count calories and find the number I can ingest and expend and lose weight. I am hesitant to remove any foods/food groups from my diet.  Eliminating anything from my diet makes me crazy.  When I can have a taste of the ice cream or a bite of the brownie, 9 times out of 10 I’m fine.  When I can’t even have a bite, 9 times out of 10 I get grumpy and rebel until I get what I want.  I generally eat healthy (in my opinion) and am trying to take myself down from “whatever I feel like” to about 1200-1400 on weekdays, slightly more on the weekends (like 1700-1800).

So I am asking, nay, pleading, for your advice.  Analyze me.  Don’t worry that you’re not an expert/doctor/trainer, I run everything through my common sense filter and I won’t do something just because you say to.  But I’d like to put it all out there and see what suggestions you have for me.  Stop reading here if you’re not interested in a bunch of numbers and just leave me a nice encouraging comment, please.  Persist at your own peril.

My workouts last week (estimated calorie count in parentheses)..

Monday - full body weights and practicing dancing for 25 minutes (84+ weights)
Tuesday - 20 mins yoga and 40 mins leisurely bike ride (313)
Wednesday - 30 mins intense cardio, arms, swing dance class for 60 mins (653 + weights)
Thursday - 30 mins intense cardio, abs and legs, salsa dance class for 60 mins  (602 + weights)
Friday - 30 mins intense cardio, 20 mins yoga (643)
Saturday - Zumba for 60 mins, water volleyball for 40 mins (641)
Sunday - relax

Total burnt: 2936 calories, or an average of 419 per day

This is my food from last week…

Monday - zone bar, mongolian grill (3 oz chicken, 1/3 cup white rice, tons of veggies and some sauce), grilled fish tacos at home with black beans on the side, a peach, two hershey kisses, and a dum dum lolly. 1321 calories, 173g carbs, 32g fat, 89g protien.

Tuesday - luna bar, homemade tuna sandwich on sprouted grain bread, otter pop, homemade meatloaf with 93% lean ground beef, homemade mashed califlower/potato mix, and veggies, 2 peaches, a lo cal fruit smoothie for desert, and 1oz tortilla chips as a snack. 1377 calories, 189g carbs, 35g fat, 88g protien.

Wednesday - 0% greek yogurt with 1/3 packet of oatmeal mixed in, leftovers from the meatloaf the night before (same portion), homemade 9 layer burritos (with 93% lean ground beef, refried beans, rice, low fat sour cream, and veggies/salsa), 2 peaches, 1 oz beef jerky, 1 hershey kiss, and 1 oz vodka (one weak drink).  1408 calories, 166g carbs, 38g fat, 108g protien

Thursday - luna bar, taco salad (made with basically the same ingredients as the burritos sans the tortilla), veggies and tilapia filets, piece of sprouted grain bread with light margarine, apple, a cup of broccoli, and 3 oz whiskey (I made the conscious decision to forgo the rice I was going to have with dinner and have a few drinks instead).  1236 calories, 100g carbs, 39g fat, 79g protien.

Friday - zone bar, chicken pho (vietnamese chicken noodle soup with bean sprouts and broccoli), bbq’d chicken, rice, coleslaw, 2 peaches, 8 oz vodka (we hosted a party that night).  1793 calories, 169g carbs, 16g fat, 110g protien

Saturday - zone bar and a peach, salad bar (a huge veggie-ful salad with lowfat ranch, a cup of minestrone, half a cup of butterbean, some grilled veggies, and a small 1/2 cup of soft serve), Saltgrass steakhouse (bread, salad with half the ranch they gave me, veggies, 5 grilled shrimp, 5 fried shrimp).  1724 calories, 180 carbs, 79g fat, 79g protien

Sunday - Apple, homemade pancakes with sugar free syrup and margarine, 2 slices bacon, 1 small potato shredded to hashbrowns (with PAM), homemade chicken caesar wrap (lo carb wheat tortilla, chicken, olives, bacon, lettuce, cheese, low fat caesar), peanut butter puffins and chocolate almond milk, plum, shared a 100 calorie popcorn, and a sugar free popsicle. 1217 calories, 189g carbs, 36g fat, 58g protien.

Average 1439 calories, 166g carbs, 39g fat, 87g protien.  I would probably add about 100 calories per day because I am a notorious nibbler and just due to food tracking error.

So sure there are some obvious nitpicky things.  White rice instead of brown (restaurants don’t always serve it and it’s near impossible to get my fiance to eat it and he does a lot of the cooking).  Give up the alcohol (no way, jose).  Give up the sugar (I really don’t eat much of it though.  One small sweet per day and maybe some soft serve once a week).  All in all, I really don’t think I do too badly there.  Day by day I might have some slipups but overall it evens out (16g fat one day, 79g the next).

The math *should* even out.  1539 eaten - 419 burnt = 1120 net calories per day.  A sedentary person of my height and weight should be eating about 2000 calories per day to maintain their weight, so that’s creating a 880 calorie deficit per day.  Truth be told, I should be seeing a 1.75 lb loss at this rate with my math.  It’s not happening.  I don’t like it.

So I did some more surfing and this seems to be one of the better calorie calculators around.  Instead of estimating what level of activity you think you do (I think half marathon training is active, someone else out there probably thinks that their mile per day walk to starbucks and back is active, who’s right?), you can also input your exercise.  I generally have my butt planted on a chair if I’m not doing something I would count as exercise, so this works for me to be sedentary but put in my sweat sessions.  It also counts weights for calories which is something my beloved sparkpeople doesn’t do.   I’m considering utilizing this next month as a guide to how much I should eat - put in yesterday’s activity and that will tell me how much I should eat today.  For example:

Monday - 2584 calories to maintain.  Subtract 750 (deficit to get 1.5 lbs loss per week) = 1834
Tuesday - 2253 -750 = 1503
Wednesday - 3089 - 750 = 2339
Thursday - 3255 - 750 = 2505
Friday - 2343 - 750 =1593
Saturday - 2611 - 750 = 1861
Sunday - 2014 - 750 = 1264

This is saying I don’t eat enough, and I should increase my calorie average to 1842 per day at this activity level.  To lose 1.5 lbs a week.  1000 calories is the most one should go into debt per day (losing 2 lbs per week), even then I should be at 1592.  This seems crazy to me.  Am I really just not eating enough?  Should I take the leap of faith and add a bunch of lean protein and good carbs and fruits and veggies and good fat to those days when I’m hanging tough around 1300?  What specifically is missing in my diet?

I am calculating myself into a tizzy, and would love some input.  My sanity depends on it.  I am willing to do what I need to do to give it a good college try (for the most part - you can pry my whiskey from my cold dead hands, you’re not going to convince me potatoes are evil, and I will not give up my once weekly rice noodle pho).  I’m looking for a suggestion that involves moderation, not absolution and abstinence.  I wish I had a giveaway to reward you for even reading this far, but I will give away my eternal gratitude for any help here!