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  • 2009 Resolution Round Up

    5 Comments
    December 31, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Now as I sit here on the last morning of 2009, I’m waxing philisophic about the year, but not quite as much as normal.  You see, it’s been a very thinky last few months.  I”ve mused on my job.  I’ve mused on my weight.  I”ve mused on my running, and come to a lot of conclusions early, so today was just really to put the proverbial pen to paper and commit to what I want to accomplish in the next year.  I feel like I”m forgetting things, but it’s not as if this is my only chance, right?  I mean there is always my annual “before 31 to do list” and mid-year check in, and all that crap.  Man, I make way too many lists.

    Anyhoo, let’s get onto it.  I have a house to clean and then copious amounts of booze to drink.

    Kekekekeke ^____^

    Kekekekeke ^____^ 12-24-08

    Last year’s resolutions:

    1.  Body: Will continue to eat in a manner that is mostly healthy as I do now and improve when I can, continue improving my fitness, and work on reaching my goal weight, whatever that ends up being, in 2009.  While I’ll always work on improving my muscles and endurance, I’d like to get to the point where the scale is just a double check a few times a week that I’m not way off track, and food journals are a thing of the past, by the end of 2009.

    Did I do it?  …sorta.  I’m more into measuring my progress by my running pace, and how my jeans fit now.  150-ish was not what I envisioned my goal weight, but it’s where my body wants to be.  So there.  I am no longer food tracking, and I’m only weighing about 1-2 times per week.  If you don’t count these two weeks of vacation, at least 80% of what I eat, I consider a healthy diet.  So I’m pretty happy.

    2.  Fitness: I will do at least one new exercise-y thing a month.  This cannot include running, DDR, yoga, traditional weights, or Cybil the arc trainer.  By the end of the year, I would like to transition 1-2 days per week to something like dance classes or volleyball or some other competitive sport OR seriously start training distance running/triathalons.  By my 30th birthday, I need to pick ONE of these to focus on and concentrate on it (and make ancillary resolutions/goals based on what I pick).  I guess what I’m trying to say is to start working out for a reason that is not just to make the scale go down.

    Did I do it?  …well, I didn’t do this exactly, but I definitely went into the year exercising solely for weight loss, and now I approach it as a sport.  If someone told me that running would never take another pound off me at the beginning of the year, I would have probably stopped.  Now, I could honestly say I would continue.  I think that’s what I was really going for here, and mission accomplished.  I also got a bike and rode it a bit, tried dance, zumba, roller skated, did some diving and swimming, and rediscovered my love for circuits.

    3.  Soul: I will pick something creative and establish a plan by my birthday to complete a concrete goal by the end of the year.  Decide if I’m going to pursue writing (maybe actually giving a novel or book of some sort a go), songwriting/recording, pick up drawing/painting again, acting, or work on selling my necklaces.  Maybe take up web design and flesh out this site into a pretty one like I used to do and really give blogging a go beyond just using this for personal theraputic purposes.  Realize that I need to pick ONE of these and focus on it or I’ll feel as lost as I did in 2008.

    Did I do it?  …eh.  I tried to do the etsy thing and never got off the ground.  I tried to write a novel and got about 30k words in and threw a tantrum.  This blog is still just my soapbox.  I drew a christmas card for Zliten, but that’s about it.  That’s ok.  I at least stuck my toe into the waters here, that’s at least half credit, right?

    4.  Get married sometime this year!  That’s about all there is to say on this one…

    …hey, 100% there.  Next!

    5.  Allow work to be on the back burner one more year. Of course, be open and receptive to any wonderful opportunities that fall into my lap, but work on enriching my personal life and hobbies instead of focusing on promotions, raises, extra responsibility, etc. Realize that having a 40 hour per week stable job right now that I can pretty much just leave at the office when I walk out the door is a blessing that is giving me opportunities to further the work on my body, fitness, and soul.

    …hey, 100% there as well.  Maybe even too much sometimes, tee hee.

    All, in all, not bad. It was a rough year in some aspects – shakeups at work, a lot of uncertainty with Zliten’s unemployment stuff, extreme frustration with my lack of weight loss.  However, I still have a job at a company with an awesome, successful, and stable product.  I made huge strides in my running, completing a half marathon and improving my pace at both slow and fast distances all year.  Zliten got a job in the industry right when it was looking grim.  We still own our house and make mortgage and the “oh crap” fund is still there.  We’re making it.  2009 was not the best year ever, but it wasn’t so bad.

    So what’s up for 2010?

    Need more fiber, apparently. 12-24-09

    Need more fiber, apparently. 12-24-09

    1.  This is the most important and different one for me – for one year, I am going to not attempt to lose weight.  As long as I maintain under 155, I’m going to put any pressure on myself to take off weight.  I’m going to focus on my running, and continuing to eat healthy.  This break really put into perspective how healthy I usually eat – I’m not eating horribly at all, but I’ve been feeling blech from eating not homecooked food for most meals and the sweet crap around the house (popcorn, almond roca, truffles, etc etc).  Now, if I *do* take off weight somehow, I’m not going to be opposed to it, but the biggest present I’m giving to myself this year is the gift of stepping on the scale, and not wanting to be less than I am, for once in my life.

    2.  Running – I want to do a half marathon in under 2 hours, and I want to run a full marathon (no pace goal, just run the whole thing… well, who am I kidding, I’ll have a pace goal by the time I finish training, but anyhoo…) this year.  After that, decide what’s next.  Martial arts?  Triathlons?  More marathons?  Ultras?  Also, I want to make sure to not forget stretching and yoga.  That’s when I start getting injured like I am now with hurty butt.

    3.  I will dedicate 6 hours per week to writing, revising, reading other books, or outlining.  I want to finish what I started for NaNoWriMo, and then move on to another one.  It would be peachy keen if I could do some necklaces, I would love to start songwriting, but I think this is my year of writing.

    4.  I’m not sure exactly what I want to say here, but I want to figure out what’s next career-wise.  I have spent the last few years keeping my head down and trying to stay out of the way so I can support the creatives, get my check, and go on my way.  That is SO not me.  I can’t continue to do that forever.  I might not have the ability to get what I want just yet, but I want to have a direction by the end of the year.

    5.  Some one liners: Travel outside the country.  Be more spontaneous.  Continue to whittle down my smoking.  Try something new with my hair.  Continue to draw things out of the magic hat.  Host some game nights at the house.   Attempt to keep a cleaner house so it’s not embarrassing when someone comes over unannounced.  Do more industry events and get over my boredom with networking for networking sake.  Play more games.  Continue to live a life where I can have at least ONE memorable thing I do each month (2009 has many more than 1 per month, but that’s my absolute minimum requirement).

    So there, it looks like I have a lot to do, so I best get crackin’.  How was your 2009?  What are you most looking forward to in 2010?  What is your biggest resolution or goal for the next year?

    Happy New Years, and I’ll see ya on the other side…

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  • What I’m Thankful For – Pt 2

    1 Comment
    November 25, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    So a few glasses of wine and some writing did the trick.  Also – crab salad sandwiches.  Seriously, this is my new find.  One whole can of lump white crab is only 60 calories (and is a buck twenty five at big lots).  I mixed it up with some light mayo, celery, and onions, and ate one melt (with light cheese and some pickles with the mixture) on an arnold’s sandwich thin and then put the rest of the mixture on another half of a thin.  All being told, probably about 300 calories and it was like a feast, especially mowing down a half a bag of snow peas and some hummus too.  I got some good quality writing done, and I went to bed happy.

    I woke up today and had a wonderful morning yoga, and braced myself for the crazy.  So far, no crazy.  My butt has escaped the teeth marks that I expected it to have this morning.  It may only be a deference until Monday, but after 4 days off, I’ll be ready to deal with it.  I’m going to put my head down, enjoy the quiet, and get the last thing on my to do list done before I slide off into long weekend mode.

    But not without a show of gratitude.  This year, I am thankful for (in no particular order or importance):

    -Being able to continue to pay mortgage and live comfortably with minor modifications even through a one income + one unemployment check period.

    -That my Zliten got a job, back in the industry, making enough that we can start pumping up that savings account again.

    -For a full time job in a stable company that is seeing success even through this crappy economy.  It may not be the favoritest job I’ve ever had, but it sure beats the hell out of just about any alternative right now.

    -That I’m leaving another year fitter and healthier than I went into it.

    -For things that happen just at the right time to keep me sane/engaged/awake/hungry for more.

    -For amazing technology that is part of my life.  My phone can internet.  For 15 bucks per month, I can listen to just about any song I ever want.  With the push of a few buttons, my car can tell me turn by turn how to get home from ANYWHERE.  A web page that I can put my turn by turn run and how much time it took, and it will tell me my distance and pace.  I’m not talking astrophysics here, just those little conveniences that make life a little more…ahhh.

    -Luxuries like pest control service and the alarm company.  These were things that we considered giving up during the lean times, but then relented when 1) we had a mouse in the house, and instead of dealing with it ourselves, we just called the dudes and within a day, the mouse was gone and the entry point was patched up and 2) we had a break in where the dude opened the door, the alarm went off, and he didn’t even take anything.  Even the easy pickins.

    -The fact that my parents now live a short drive away, and we can see them more often.  And in not-week-long doses that drive us both a little batty.

    -My wonderful friends.  Another fun year of outings, parties, potlucks, fun, and games. ;)

    -Maintaining a healthy weight.  It may not be my ideal or my happy weight, but I can’t look in the mirror and hate myself.  Besides those nagging little imperfections, I don’t mind my nekkid.

    -My headspace shift in the last year from exercising and eating for weight loss to eating to fuel my exercise, and exercising for accomplishment and sport.  It may make losing harder, but it feels like a more sustainable and healthy place to be.

    -I am finally at a place in my life, where I can decide what I want to do, set some concrete goals and put a plan in place, and more often than not get there, and if not the moon that I’m shooting for, I usually end up among the stars (to paraphrase that quote badly).  I wanted to lose weight, and while I’m not at my final goal, I’m beyond my wildest expectations back then.  I wanted to run a half marathon in 2 hours – I ran it 16 mins slower – but seriously, who cares?  I went through a 3 month training program where the only person I was truly accountable to was myself, and finished.  Now with NaNoWriMo – I might not finish in a month but I’ve got a solid plan to keep at it and the realization that I CAN DO IT.

    -To be married to the most wonderful Zliten in the world, and that we had an awesomely fun friend and family filled destination wedding that was totally worth all the stress.

    -The awesome fit/health/food blogging community who stop by here to read my rambles.  Seriously, you deserve a freaking medal sometimes.  You all understand what I go through like no one else does sometimes.

    -Amazing advances in media.  Instead of having to cope with just what’s on TV when it’s on and synchronizing our watches (remember having to be home at 8 for your favorite show every week and watching all the commercials? ha!), we can be amused anywhere, any time, by anyone with the internet.
    Case in point:

    I’m sure there’s much more I’m forgetting, but I’ll wrap this up for now. Happy Thanksgiving out there, bloggie folks. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, and remember – if you gobble gobble, you should also waddle waddle! ::grin::

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  • Happy Tweetsgiving – Part 1

    4 Comments
    November 25, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    So, here it is.  I find myself in a LOUSY ASS mood today.  I even blargharlargalarghed in the comments at poor Mizfit, who being the mayor of blogsville, spread the word that today was the day to post what we were thankful for, and link back to HERE, who started the idea of tweetsgiving, and everyone in the twitter and blogosphere should share what they were thankful for.  And apparently leave our participles dangling.  Oh yeah, dangle that participle baby.

    Anyhoo, I find myself in a LOUSY ASS mood.  I don’t think that adequately describes it.  Given any sort of outcome, today is the day I wouldn’t have found any of them favorable.  Given the winning lottery ticket, I would have been bitching about paying the taxes on it, and not being able to decide WHICH Rolls Royce I was going to buy.  That kind of mood.  Where you know you’re being ridiculous, but just can’t find a way to pull yourself out of it, and really just don’t care.  I’m so rarely in a bad mood I almost want to indulge myself sometimes.  Like, I’m still pretty grumpy but I’m almost laughing at myself because I know how silly I am when I’m pouty like this.

    So yes.  For the 3rd time, LOUSY ASS mood.  Some crap at work that I loathe to go into on my blog, some frustration at poor planning on my part in my social calendar, and some wanting people to bend to my will without luck, and nothing was goddamn going my way.  I was also ridici-busy so I was also grumpy that I wasn’t able to put up my fuckity fucking post about being fucking grateful for a bunch of awesome fucking crap in my life.

    LOUSY ASS MOOD.  Did I mention?

    I had thoughts like – “If only everyone in my life can leave me goddamn alone and let me do what I want, maybe I could actually be a novelist/marathoner/90 lb waif/whatever flavor of the month Quix dream is.”  But that happened once.  I worked and worked and worked and worked to try to be something until it encompassed everything else in my life.  Once I took the blinders off I was so shocked at how much the rest of my life was in ruin, I changed.

    So thank you, to my family and friends, for saving me from myself.  I want to dedicate this post to you, even if very few of you read this.  Besides all the normal stuff – being there for me, good times, hugs, support, etc (which I will surely go into next post when I feel a bit more sane), I want to talk about all the completely selfish and weird reasons I am lucky to have all the people in my life.

    If it were just up to me, and I was just alone in my own vaccuum, it would be all work and no play.  I would spend every waking moment trying to be something or do something or better myself.  I would stock my fridge full of rabbit food and lean meat.  I would probably workout hours per day, and then write until I fell asleep.  Or I would go back to school and start at one end of the catalog and work my way through.  I might learn how to program my own games.  I might be able to finally lose all the weight without all those temptations around me and finally wear those super skinny jeans without the tummy pudge pokin’ out.  Hell, I might be able to run something more than this rinky dinky little blog.

    I forget to have fun.  I forget to make those awesome memories like margaritas at sunset on the lake.  Or lounging around in PJs all day finishing a game.  Or the fun of cooking a huge feast for people who either like my cooking and bartending skills or were at least nice enough to pretend.  Or my bachelorette party where I rolled 10+ girls deep with a penis crown all night.  Or staying up late on a stolen weekday and talking about life.  Or laying in the grass in my yard and looking up at the clouds and trying to figure out what they all look like.  Or the cruise where we played at least 6 rounds of mexican train (dominos) and all took turns winning.  Or, the pinnacle of awesome – our wedding where we had so many awesome and loving and supportive people around us celebrating our special day where I felt like a pretty pretty princess.

    Besides being awesome human beings, you keep me from being too much…me.  Without someone to help balance me, and remind me that there is life outside megamaniac mode, I get way too focused and then just frizzle-fry-burn out.  I might curse your name when I’m running a little hungover or behind on my writing, but seriously, I would be one boring evil genious without ya’all.  That occasional piece of cheesecake make all the salad days worthwhile.  The promise of drunken hookey days make those ass-dragging technical meetings where I don’t understand anything but have to take notes bearable.  The fun times might not contribute to any goals I have in life, but the memory and the promise of more makes the responsible things just that much more ok.

    Most of all – I am thankful for my Zliten.  He’s the one that has to deal with the day-to-day, and he’s gotten very good at knowing when I need to be left alone in my little mad-scientist world, and when I need to be pulled the heck out.  I am thankful for him in many, many, many other ways that are way too plentiful to go into here.  But today, I am most thankful for him and his ability to monitor my crazy and pull me out of it before I lose it completely.

    Now, a little more wine and back to NaNoWriMo-ing.  I might not make my 50k words but I’m going to try.  A more coherent and all inclusive thankfulness list in the very near future, I promise.

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  • On Growing Up, and Things To Be When You Do…

    5 Comments
    November 5, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Let it not be said that I am unhappy with my station in life.  I’m not rich, but I am comfortable.  I don’t quite make enough to be the sole breadwinner in the household – but with a smaller mortgage (aka NOT buying a 4 bedroom house in the exact neighborhood we wanted) and less of a car payment (hello, hybrid luxury car), I could probably make a stab at it.  I have the possibility and experience in the next few years to get a title and salary bump that makes sense (taking the Associate out of my title, or as I like to say – removing the Ass from my Prod), and frankly, which I think I deserve with the time I’ve put in.

    However, I’m seeing game studios collapse around me left and right.  We are actually doing really freaking well in the midst of the chaos, but a year from now… who knows?  It’s really hit me lately that beyond project management and game design, I have very few marketable skills.  What happens if the well dries up here in Austin and moves on, and I don’t want to move on with it?  I love living here.  It is PERFECT for me.  Cost of living affords me a mortgage and not a rent check each month, unlike other hot spots like So Cal.  The weather here really jives with me.  I don’t think I could do somewhere rainy like Seattle or cold like the Boston area.  I feel at home here like I never have in a place before – the people are quirky and awesome and friendly, it’s not weird to be active, and there is always cool stuff going on and it’s not like you have to be a cool kid to know about it.

    So what’s a gal to do?  I’ve been thinking about this for a while.  If I want to stay here, what is my backup plan?  It’s entirely possible I’m worried about nothing but… I always am thinking, “what’s next”.  Some people’s jobs make sense as a freelancer/online.  Outsourced art and programming (to a lesser extent) is common in the games industry – design and production aren’t and those are my specialties.  While I enjoy project management for a fun industry like gaming, I have my doubts about moving into something more mundane like software development or a pants factory or whatnot.  If I’m not having fun, it will not work for me.  Whatever I spend 40 hours or more doing has to at least make me feel proud/interested in the product.  So… what else am I interested in to the point where I could envision myself doing them full time?

    Writing.  If I could make a living doing it, I would LOVE to write full time.  I wasn’t sure if I could write on a schedule but coming up with something 3-4 times per week for the last year and some change (minus a couple weeks of crazy) has proven to me that I can indeed be self motivated and produce semi-coherent diatribe on topics that interest me.  The next step for me gaining confidence here is plunging into NaNoWriMo.  If I can get at least a crappy novel under my belt, I can evaluate whether I could consider doing this for a living.  I feel the same way about it as I do a marathon.  I just want to go the distance at least once to see if it’s for me.

    Film/TV production.  I think it would be a natural step, and Austin is becoming a mini-Hollywood as of late.  It’s always something I’ve been interested in and I’m starting to have the contacts to at least consider the move.  But it would probably be more of the same (crazy hours, stress, waiting around for things to happen, etc).

    Then Zliten went and got me thinking last night… he was talking about doing the 30 minute workout circuit at Planet Fitness and then was trying to get out of it by saying he just wanted to come home.  I made him a circuit that was just evil enough but not too crazy evil and he swore at me when he finished but looked like he had gotten a good workout.  I’m always trying to tweak my workouts and food intake/ratios/etc.  I’m horribly interested in what other people eat.  I always feel like if I knew more, I’d be more successful at maneuvering through this healthy living thing, and I’ve pretty much exhausted the internet.  Sure, occasionally, I happen upon something new, but usually, I find myself going – “Duh.  Thanks captain obvious.”  And then realize that to 99.9% of the world is not as bored as I has not had the time, attention, nor want for looking this up.  As I have.  And I want more.

    I find myself now tentatively pondering about thinking about perhaps sticking my toe into the waters of academia again.  Previously I’ve been very anti-school because my thesis ruined school for me and I’ve said for the greater part of a decade I was done with it forever.  Maybe not.  I also said I’d never wear bell bottoms and I rocked them yesterday.

    The idea of going back to school at age 30, with a full time job, with other extra curricular pursuits (hi 2 u training for a marathon) is pretty damn daunting.  The starting salaries of either a dietitian or a personal trainer don’t look promising.  I would be taking a pay cut fo’ sho unless somehow my management skillz could get me into a supervisory job.  The idea of actually having to recruit clients seems daunting as well.  It’s most likely that this is NOT the job for me.

    But the idea of something that could possibly done online or freelance sounds awesome.  It frustrates me to no end having to show up for work some days when I don’t have a full day of work to do, and just sit here and wait because we are required to at least put in our 8 hours.  And it’s possible that there may be a time in my life where a full time 40 hour a week job is not a viable option.  I’ve done the traditional “go to work, do my time, get a paycheck, and go home” thing all my life.  I’d at least like to see how the other half lives before I run screaming back into a position of stability, comfort, and regularity.

    I think the first step (after I’m done with NaNoWriMo, of course, I’m already hearing the, “are you done writing YET?  There are THINGS to DO…” voices from the peanut gallery) is to maybe check out some coursework books on nutrition and training.  Give them a read.  See if it’s anything I want to learn about.  Go from there.  The local U has degree programs in just about anything nutrition/fitness/exercise/training/etc I want to pursue so I’ve got that going for me.

    I always thought I was going to keep climbing my way up.  First take over a game.  Then take over a department.  Then – who knew, maybe run my own company some day.  Now, it’s entirely possible I might get bitten by the draw of being an exec again, but I’m toying with the idea that maybe the ladder isn’t where I’ll be the happiest.  Maybe it is.  I just don’t know anymore.  I’m sure this is just me being a little unenthused with my current task at work and day dreaming.  But maybe it’s more than that.

    I know some of you out there at least do/have done side jobs writing, training, maybe there’s even a dietician or someone that’s worked with film/tv/broadcast stuff out there.  Talk to me.  Did you leave your cushy corporate job for it?  Did you regret it at all?  Is there any way in hell to make a decent salary at it (think mid to upper 5 figures +)?  How was the schooling?  Did you go for a degree or certifications?  What did you exactly do when you became gainfully employed?  What did you love and hate about it?  If not – what is your dream job?  What steps are you taking to get there?  How did you know what you were doing was right for you?

    Don’t worry – I’ll get back to my regularly scheduled bitchfest in no time about the scale not budging and screwing up over the weekend and how Jillian can go eat a… um… carrot for the torture she hath brought upon us in Level 3.

    More demotivational fun here!

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  • On Self Sabatoge

    1 Comment
    September 4, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Imagine your dream.  No, not the delicious turkey sandwich you’re dreaming of for lunch, but something that has been a long term, professional and/or personal dream.  Maybe you just got handed a publishing contract for your new book.  Maybe you finally qualified for the Boston Marathon.  Maybe you found the perfect love of your life.  What’s the last thing you’d expect your reaction would be?  That’s right, running away and screaming.

    So why is that my first instinct everytime I get the opportunity for something cool?

    On my super exciting news I won’t be able to talk about for years and years, I was rightfully super excited the first day after I found out, and then after – I realized I felt lost and very self-doubting.  Zliten was pretty incredulous how blah I was being about it.  I spent a while berating myself about it.  When did I become the kind of person that was more comfortable being mediocre?  When did I become the kind of person that is afraid of success?  At what point in my life did I stop wanting to reach for the stars?  Then there was the frustration at how long it was taking me to think things through.  When did I become so rusty?  Am I just too old to be a rockstar?  Is this not really what I want anymore?

    All of a sudden, it dawned on me.  It’s just like when I hit the gym after a looooong hiatus 2 years ago.  When I got back on the eliptical for the first time, it was FRUSTRATING as hell that something that once came so easy to me was now like trudging through mud.  Running my first mile took almost a year and I just about collapsed dead after.  Doing a pushup from my toes took over a year and I certainly wasn’t just busting out 3 sets of 25 like I am now.  All things I’ve done before.  All things I am better at now than I was before ever in my life.  I was just out of practice and it took time.

    One I realized this, I felt much, much better and was able to make some progress.  I’m still feeling very slow but it’s ok.  It’s not a switch I can flip, and I don’t think my bosses expect that.  I have some time to get my head where it needs to be.  Just as I don’t expect perfection (though I strive for it) in my eating and exercising habits, I don’t need to hold myself to an unreasonable standard in other aspects of life.

    Now, I’m excited and optimistic, as I should be.  Still have a little bit of the butterflies but those will clear away once things get settled.  And that’s an awesome way to go into a three day weekend.  What other areas of your life can YOU apply the lessons you’ve learned in forging your way into a healthy lifestyle?  Anyone got super awesome plans for the long weekend?

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  • Barbarians In Past Lives

    2 Comments
    September 2, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    I hate when I have to be vague about things that happen in my life, but this is one of those times.   I have some potentially awesome stuff in my future, but I have to be incredibly tight lipped about it for a long ass time.  However, I alone own the emotions it is making me feel and memories I’m reflecting on, so I’ll talk about that instead.

    One reason I started this blog was to become more comfortable with being honest and open on the internet.  And, because I missed having a soapbox to stand on.  As I said before, I am this weird combination of naive and trusting in a way that is totally not beneficial.  I’ll open up and talk about my pooping habits but then flinch about talking about something totally random that shouldn’t make any difference.  In another life and time a few years ago I was a bit of a big deal (not really) to a couple tens of thousands of people as the face of a game as Sapphyra, the big and brawny barbarian warrior with red hair and a bit of a penchant for drinking and beating people up.  So pretty much, it wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the haircolor.

    I was completely and totally ok being open about things in the game I probably shouldn’t have (hindsight is 20/20), but totally freaked out if someone posted anything REAL about me.  I would have removed all pictures of me if I could have thought of any excuse to do so.  Possibly because I was 200 goddamn million lbs and insecure about it, but I also felt like there should be a separation between the online me and the real me.  When I walked out (amicably) of SOE over 2 years ago, I left a gigantic part of me behind.  One of the people that played the game finally found me on twitter (hi Ronson!) but for the most part, I severed ties with that life.  I always meant to put breadcrumbs out there to lead people to my next title, but the were extremely well hidden.  If you make it through the first world of the game I shipped last year, you’d see it, as I named a tower after myself (as well as some items).

    I miss those people in EQOA-world.  I miss being a bit of an internet celebrity, as stupid as it sounds.  I wish I would have let some of the cooler people in a bit more.  I always felt like a little bit of an artifical wall was necessary.  I wish I would have established myself with an identity I could take away and not let everything sort of die in a fire when I left.  While the last 2 years has done wonders to my waistline, and I’ve accepted work was on the back burner due to my priorities elsewhere (operation: deporkify), my position in at my company (non-creative managerial), and the economy and personal circumstances (couldn’t just go out and grab my dream job, even if I wanted to leave the company I’m at), I have longed for something closer to what I used to do.  With better hours, better pay, the actual title bump, and in a town I could afford actual real estate without winning the lotto, of course.

    Now, it looks like I mightcouldpossiblyitsybitsychance could have at least some of that.  It is now time to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds and get to work.  So that I shall.  I spent a long time thinking that I had blown my shot to do something great by leaving that barbarian behind, but I find myself about to potentially step into something just as cool if not cooler.  I just had to wait for the right time.  Now, I just have to not screw up.

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  • Overcompensation?

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    August 18, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Things are still about 85% cuh-ray-zee at work but wanted to check in and make sure y’all knew I wasn’t going off the grid here.  Hopefully I can resume a semi-normal posting schedule soon but hey, what IS a normal posting schedule up in here?  I was aiming for at least M/W/F.  Oh well.  I am here now, and should probably stop wasting precious words blathering about posting in my post.  Oooh, recursive.

    Anyhoo, a recap of last week, and what’s shaking in Quix-life this week.

    Last Week Wrap Up:

    Hello, dinner course on Sunday. Dont you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, so dont judge me (too much).

    Hey there, dinner course, you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, don't judge (too much).

    Last week, I ate an average of 1825 calories tracked per day.  I’m going to go ahead and tack on an extra 100 per day with the nibble of this, sip of that habit I have and say 1925.   This was not on accident.  Iput things in my mouth such as an 800 calorie sandwich, 3 servings of potato/corn chips in ONE DAY (and with dip), a sugary alcoholic beverage or 2, and a 3 course filet and crab meal dripping with butter.  So much for after-vacation repentantance, huh?

    However, I increased my activity.  Instead of my 417 per day I aimed to burn, I was all the way up at 742.  I did 6 full workout days with at least 30 mins moderate/intense cardio on 5 of them.  I did 3 full weights sessions.  It was a good workout week.

    1925 – 742 = 1183 calories.  Oops.  Considering I should be ingesting just over 2000 calories to sit on my butt all day, that might be a little too much of a deficit.  1000 calories is the absolute line, but 800 calories per day is pretty close.  Before I added up the numbers, I was thinking “geez, why did I eat so much, I had a horrible week, I should have busted my butt in the gym more…etc”.  It’s becoming apparent that I must have mistreated my body during half training if I feel like I’m eating too much NOW when I’m training way less.  Next time I will track food but it will probably be a matter of making myself eat more healthy food than I feel like I should.

    This week the goal is a little LESS food and a little LESS workouts.  I’d like to bring the ratio to 750 or less also (that is, in theory, 1.5 lbs lost in a week).

    The zone ratio this week – epic fail.  Closest I got was 27/26/47 and the weirest ones were 6/19/63 or 12/50/38.  I don’t think it’s in the cards anytime soon for me to eat 40/30/30 effortlessly, but it’s not a horrible idea to work towards it, the way I naturally eat is very carb heavy because I love my fruits and veggies and starches and think meat should be used in between bread/tortillas/etc or on top of salads, stir fries, curries, etc.  I love beef jerky and turkey pepperoni as snacks, and it feels rather sinful to mow down almonds and pistachios, but I find that while I’m satisfied, I’m not satiated and want something carby with it as well.  It’s all about finding a balance.

    Last week’s high weight was 157.6 and last week’s lowest weight was 154.6.  I’m going to start tracking both.

    Non-Obsessive Fitness Related Stuff:

    As for the other stuff in this here post, things have mostly resolved themselves.  Zliten got his offer letter today and starts on August 31st.  The salary, though not the ridiculous money he was making before, is better than expected so that’s a bonus!  It is a relief and came just in time.  It will suck a bit to have to wait about 1 month to get a second income coming in so the savings will take a small hit, but considering it’s temporary – I can’t complain.  And we can finally work to replensh it after that!

    The work stuff – while there are still fires burning, things are settling down well.  Coming in at this stage of a project is actually nice because I’m more involved and can contribute to the direction, instead of just feeling like a secratary while the big boys get to play.  It’s nice.  It’s – as always- a work in progress I’ll have to keep vigilant about, but I think this is going to be a good learning experience here for me instead of a disaster, which my initial reaction was last week.

    What Now?

    This week, she is a busy one.  I’m plowing through insane amounts of documents at work (trying to archive 3 years worth of stuff).  I posted my second best mile time EVAR today at 8 minutes flat.  I could have done it in less time (I wasn’t completely wasted after), but I miscalculated (I start slower at the beginning and then work up – so while I should have started around 8:15ish I started at 8:30 pace).  Next time!   Today we are going out after work for the August Yelp Elite party (organic BBQ and organic Vodka and live music?  Yes plz!) and going to pop the champagne and celebrate Zliten’s jobiness.

    Then – it’s all wedding all the time.  47 days until it.  Yikes!  We are working on registry stuff at Penney’s,

    These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

    These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

    Target, and Amazon.  You’d be surprised how hard it is to do this – I decide, “Ok, I want some luggage.”  Then it takes me an hour to pick out the one piece I want and read reviews and such.  Zliten during this time has added 40 things.  So it’s been a long, slow process.

    Sunday, I was fortunate enough to find shoes.  They were cute, comfortable, and on sale.  Now, I’m crossing my fingers that they match the dress and we’re solid.  I also grabbed some silk flowers from the craft store and am trying to wrap my head around how I want them in my hair.  I’m hoping to make them myself because they are so freaking expensive online.  Clip+silk flower != 50 bucks in my world.  I have a bracelet, I need a necklace and earrings, spanx, and am looking for a tropical-ish brooch possibly to go on the front of the dress.  I think I’ve nixed the veil idea although I wouldn’t mind something similar/in place of it.  Maybe a colored, super short veil?  Maybe I go with a flower crown and do ribbons?  Lots to think about, but it’s getting put together.  Next month we start talking with the site and getting all that dealt with – though they assured us they do tropical themed weddings all the time so it wouldn’t be a problem.  Hope that’s as easy breezy as they say it will be.

    Beyond that, I’m just going to try to get through the week alive and enjoy the ride.  I miss your blogs, and hope to catch up on them soon.  Any wedding tips?  Doing something cool this week?

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  • It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

    2 Comments
    August 14, 2009 /  Uncategorized
    Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

    Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

    Since I’ve gotten back, it’s been an emotional and mental rollercoaster over here.  The three pronged attack on my psyche has been:

    A)  A MAJOR shakeup at work.  It started Tuesday morning and didn’t involve me, but happened all around me.  I have gone from pleased to pissed to disappointed to feeling lost to feeling like a part of the team and back again.  As the dust settles, I think things are going to work out alright.  I just really need to stay on top of myself and not retreat when I feel like I’m being ignored or I’m not needed.  I have been given permission to butt in on anything I need to, and once you give me permission – hoo boy, you better hope you meant it.

    B) Going, as of Monday, to a truly one income household that doesn’t take enough in to pay the bills.  As of the time of penning this, Zliten is currently camping his email box waiting to hear back about a promising interview.  This is making life very tense this week.  Essentially, if this falls through, it’s take-whatever-he-can-get mode which is not optimal in any way.  It’s a really sad sign of the market when someone that has 4+ years in their position and 8 years in the game industry that has shipped more titles than everyone in his last interview COMBINED is a year unemployed and on pins and needles for a contract job paying probably about half what his last position paid.

    C) The ridiculous reason – those 5 lbs.  I know I deserved it because of the way I ate through NOLA with reckless abandon, but it still weighed heavily on my mood.  I wrote up a ton of crazy emo thoughts and decided NOT to post them here.  I’m glad I didn’t because while it was not ultimately unproductive to think and go through the emotions (it rarely is), it’s not something I needed help with or to share.  It might help that I’m down 2 lbs today from my 157.6!!! but it’s also just accepting my fate.  I am NOT going to give into the temptation to do 2 hours of intense cardio per day and eat like a bird.  I am going to go back to my normal workout schedule and my normal intake of healthy foods.  It might take 2 weeks to get back to where I was instead of a few days like normal, but it’s probably better for me.

    So, instead of the whining I was going to do, I am going to post the lessons I’ve learned this week:

    -Even if it feels self-indulgent, speak up and state my opinion, intentions, and desires.  I am a big champion of communication flow, but I was waiting for members of my team to read my mind instead of speaking up about what was grinding my gears.

    -Not everyone is looking for a way to screw me over, so I shouldn’t be paranoid, but sometimes it does happen, so I should stay aware.  I am this strange combination of naive and distrusting, and it does me a disservice sometimes.

    -Be confident.  No real qualifier here.  I have this real bad tendency to retreat into my comfort zone when things get rough and no one is pushing me (very much unlike my workouts), I need to say screw it and go storm castles when I need to.

    -Save when you can, even if it seems silly.  We would be in a world of hurt right now without a savings account.  Always save some for a rainy day, and just hope you don’t need it.

    -The grass is always greener.  Right when Zliten got laid off, I was extremely a little jealous.  I was badly burnt out and thought I needed some extended time off.  After a year, I am, even on stressful days, reasonably glad to be employed rather than sitting at home.

    -Go crazy on vacations, but not so crazy.  Going out of town does not empower you to eat fried foods at every meal and not gain weight (and not even scale related, I felt like CRAP this week, my body is working out all the ick).  Moderately crazy is better.

    -The actual losing weight thing that is the root of the problem?  Still figuring it out.  It is going to be a fucking long hard road to get from 150-something to 1-2/3/4-something that makes me content.  I am going to get pissed and frustrated and lost and confused and want to cry about it but you know what?  That is what it is.  I am allowed to be upset and grumpy about things sometimes.  I do not have to accept it.  I can be dissatisfied with myself without losing my self worth.  I have to remember that last part though.  I may not be happy I gained weight, but I don’t lose the ability to call myself a fit and healthy person simply because the scale climbed over 155.

    That is all, campers.  Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you bright and shiny Monday with more words about another topic.  Funny how that works.  What did you learn this week?  Any tough times you want to vent about?  Come lay down on the couch and I’ll get out the notepad…

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  • Resolution Round Up

    5 Comments
    July 31, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    So considering the year is half over (or over half over, as I had INTENDED to post this closer to July 1st rather than July 31st), I figure I should do a little bit of project management on myself and see how this year is shaping up.  I believe dietgirl was the ohwise Guru who posted this in a more timely manner.  I’m glad I’m finally getting around to it though…

    Here are 2009′s Resolutions…

    1.  Body: Will continue to eat in a manner that is mostly healthy as I do now and improve when I can, continue improving my fitness, and work on reaching my goal weight, whatever that ends up being, in 2009.  While I’ll always work on improving my muscles and endurance, I’d like to get to the point where the scale is just a double check a few times a week that I’m not way off track, and food journals are a thing of the past, by the end of 2009.

    Yeah, I would like to say I was done.  I think I’m close, but I just can’t seem to find the secret sauce formula that gets my weight going downdowndown again.  However, I am definitely a healthier eater and person in general than I was at the start of the year.  I’ve cut down a heck of a lot on my nicotine consumption (I regularly go days without it and barely notice until I get a random craving or it’s party time).  I’ve cut down my alcohol intake.  I regularly sleep 7-8 hours per day and wake in the mornings without too much complaint.  I went from 6 miles max to running a half marathon.  I’m whittling down my 5k time.  I’m increasing my weights/reps/pushup counts.  The pullup still eludes me but I’m ever so close.

    I think the “problem” is I’m getting a healthier attitude about it all.  It frustrates me to no end some days, but I care so much less about the scale than my running times and how dance class is going and if I’ve gotten my fruits and veggies for the day.  I think I look and I know I feel pretty awesome and as long as I keep up what I’m doing, I’ll just keep slowly and steadily looking and feeling awesome-r.

    2.  Fitness: I will do at least one new exercise-y thing a month.  This cannot include running, DDR, yoga, traditional weights, or Cybil the arc trainer.  By the end of the year, I would like to transition 1-2 days per week to something like dance classes or volleyball or some other competitive sport OR seriously start training distance running/triathalons.  By my 30th birthday, I need to pick ONE of these to focus on and concentrate on it (and make ancillary resolutions/goals based on what I pick).  I guess what I’m trying to say is to start working out for a reason that is not just to make the scale go down.

    Oh yeah, can you say knocked this out of the park?  I would be going nuts without a non-scale goal.  Maybe the problem is I am too focused on the non-scale stuff so the scale feels ignored?  Heh.  Poor scale.  You have so much less power over me than you used to.  I’m pretty sure the entire internet by now knows that I ran a half marathon.  I’m also rockin’ the partner dance classes this month and discovered Zumba = love.  I even got the courage to do some crazy moves on the roller skating floor and throw a one-and-a-half off the diving board.  Between the impending relay/5k in September and half marathon #2 training starting after the wedding, I am super happy with my progress here.

    3.  Soul: I will pick something creative and establish a plan by my birthday to complete a concrete goal by the end of the year.  Decide if I’m going to pursue writing (maybe actually giving a novel or book of some sort a go), songwriting/recording, pick up drawing/painting again, acting, or work on selling my necklaces.  Maybe take up web design and flesh out this site into a pretty one like I used to do and really give blogging a go beyond just using this for personal theraputic purposes.  Realize that I need to pick ONE of these and focus on it or I’ll feel as lost as I did in 2008.

    Well, here is a neglected part of my life this year.  I have blogged a lot though, so I’ll call that a bit of success.  Between the wedding planning/being active I just haven’t had much time.  I thought summer would cure the incessant need to be outside and playing but it’s just taken the playing indoors.  Dance lessons are pretty creative though, no?  Perhaps?  Errr…yeah.

    Also, the purpose of this resolution was to solve the fact that I was creatively frustrated at work.  This year, I got a bit of creativity added back into my tasks, so I didn’t feel so punishingly left-brained all the damn time.  I still would like to find a not-directly-fitness creative thing to do though… I miss my artsy side.

    4.  Get married sometime this year!  That’s about all there is to say on this one…

    Well, I’m not married yet but the invites are out, dresses purchased, and venue booked.  It’s getting close….

    5.  Allow work to be on the back burner one more year. Of course, be open and receptive to any wonderful opportunities that fall into my lap, but work on enriching my personal life and hobbies instead of focusing on promotions, raises, extra responsibility, etc. Realize that having a 40 hour per week stable job right now that I can pretty much just leave at the office when I walk out the door is a blessing that is giving me opportunities to further the work on my body, fitness, and soul.

    By the year, I am getting better and better about leaving work at work.  The new move is potentially good for personal growth and perhaps later salary/position growth (but I’m being incredibly optimistic here).  The climate out there is still pretty frigid so I definitely think I’m sticking where I’m at for a while and I don’t think I mind so much.

    Other goals I made:

    1.  Run a 5k. Check.

    2.  Get a check up from a doctor. Eep.  This is seriously on my to-do list.  Like next.  After booking vacations.  And wedding stuff.  And/and/and…  Someone reprimand me about this in the comments please.  It’s been about 4 years.

    3.  Make 10 necklace/earring/bracelet sets and sell them on Etsy. Fail.  I’ve made 4 necklaces.  It just seems like so much time and effort for so little money return.  And I just want to wear them instead!  Argh.  They are just sitting in a pile, sad and lonely.  Maybe I’ll get here in the next year or 3.

    How does the rest of the year look?

    1.  Not go crazy before I get married.  Seriously, I just want to get through all the planning and family drama and craziness and go look cute in my dress and dance at my wedding before I have to show up there in a straightjacket.  It’s not too bad right now but the possibility is there.

    2.  Pick the 2010 Jan/Feb half marathon I want to do and start training 3 months before to peak at the right time.

    I think that’s about it for the big stuff, I really gotta contemplate the rest.  What are your goals for the rest of the year?  Wanna yell at me for slacking off on doctor check ups?

    Friday cuteness by icanhascheezburger.com.

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  • Blips On The Radar

    3 Comments
    July 28, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    So I have a moment to breathe.  I should probably be working but I think a short update is in order and it’s lunchtime anyhoo.

    Being that I have no idea who reads this, I don’t particularly want to air any specific dirty employment-related laundry.  I’m happy to talk about my previous stint of being a total workaholic and how it mentally affected me, because that reflects on me.  My feelings, my emotions, and my process of becoming a person again who is not only identified as my job title and game title all belong to me.  It does not reflect on the management at SOE because I was given a wild amount of freedom to do with what I would.  I could have worked my 40 hours, done my job, and went home, but I didn’t.  I still don’t regret it because it was an amazing experience and a huge experiment in stretching and smashing my comfort zone, but I also don’t regret reclaiming my life.

    What I won’t do is run previous coworkers under the bus in my blog.  I would never talk professional smack about someone I crossed paths with at work.  The games industry is too small and incestuous to do that.  I’ve seen too many bridges burnt that caused major trouble in the future.  There is a joke about the “form letter” that gaming people send out over email on their last day/week – it is required that you mention something about “you worked with the most talented and bright individuals” and “you hope to get a chance to work with them again”.  When it came time to write mine about 2 years ago, it was absolutely true.  I still wish I could fold some of the employees that worked for or with me into my team, and I definitely miss and respect some of the managers I worked for there.

    This is a story that must leave out some of the juicy bits.  Suffice it to say, I saw an ancillary communication that made me a little angry.  I put it in my pocket though, because it was not directed to me.  Essentially, it was the equivalent of seeing a facebook message from a friend to another saying “OMG you’re my best friend we have the most fun when we hang out, you’re the bestest person I know”.  This leaves you thinking… “what about me, huh”?  But who in their right mind can be truly offended by that, right?  I have pretty thick skin so I just pretty much filed it under the “gee, I wonder what’s up with that” folder in my brain.

    Wednesday, I come into work and got indirectly reprimanded for something for which I thought I was doing a fine job.  If I hadn’t seen that little message above, I would have probably grumbled and shaken it off, but it actually sent me into a small tirade at my direct manager ranting.  I don’t do tirades often, I’m pretty relaxed at work.  I calmed down after a few minutes and then said I’ll do what I could to validate what I thought was a ridiculous and insulting request, but only to the point where it didn’t feel ridiculous and demeaning.  Later that day, I found out I was moving teams.

    At first I thought it to be a reflection of the management’s perception of the job I was doing, but it ended up being that the request I thought was insulting was simply DUE to the impending change (not the change DUE to the request, like I thought).  It’s not that I needed babysitting (for a task I’ve been doing for years), which is what I thought the directive implied.  So I went home a bit shaken – I was told at 4pm I was moving teams, and that it would start the next morning.  I talked with my new boss all afternoon and got overloaded with facts and felt completely overwhelmed.  Instead of dance lessons and relaxing, there was some whiskey and contemplation with my Zliten.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything but talk it out and think about it and lubricate my synapses with a bit of the sauce.

    Why?  Well, I fear change.  Like I said before, I think my grass is pretty green.  Even if it’s kinda yellow, who knows how brown it is over the hill?  I prefer the evil I know.  I like change in small, incremented, planned amounts, and initiated by ME.  I don’t like ripping bandaids off.  I can make some decisions that seem wild and crazy to the outside world, but believe you me… I’ve already, in my head, mentally tested the waters and have acclimated myself with the idea of something before I do it if I have any say in it.  I wish sometimes to be one of those people who can make snap judgements and produce decisions at the drop of a hat, but I am just not that girl.  I want to really mean something when I make a statement of intention, so I don’t make them lightly.

    Needless to say, the first few days have been EXTREMELY busy getting up to speed and I actually have more to do over here.  Couple that with some minor emergencies, new directives from the execs, and the fact that my boss is out on vacation this week (great timing, huh?)… makes for a wild first week.  I assume things will return to a normal level of crazy soon, but for now between this and all the rest of the silliness that is my life, blogging might be a little bit more scarce.

    I do have to say though – all in all, I’m liking it.  I’m now on the new unannounced title so I get a chance to hone my skills shipping a game (I’ve previously pretty much specialized in live maintenance – aka expanding on a previously shipped game and updating it).  I’m liking the team I work with.  It seems a little more relaxed, while still being focused, which I’m happy with as well.  I was specifically put in this position because of my experience with sound, which makes me happy because I’m working with sound more again and that’s been one of my favorite parts of my job this year.  I think I’ll also be able to claim experience running a small sound department – and in Austin, audio production experience/management is totally fab to have on a resume.  I’m sure I’ll find things about it that DON’T make me happy, but for now I’m calling it a win.  I’ll reserve more judgement until later.

    Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was doing ok – I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled ranting about this evil plateau and how I can’t bring myself to run in the morning when it’s over 80 degrees at 8am soon.

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