How much do you repay the loan Payday loan How large is the loan
  • January 15, 2010 /  Uncategorized

    …just aint workin’ for me today.  So let’s finish up this doozy of a week with a snappy little 5 Random Things Post.  Tricked ya, didn’t I?  Just WAIT until you get a load of what I’m planning for April Fools Day (guess I should let ME know because I haven’t decided yet, tee hee).  Ok, it’s not even technically Friday, and my brain is in crazyland already.  This does not bode well…

    1.  I still need to experiment more with it and I’ll do a whole post soon, but OMG, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my garmin forerunner.  I never realized what I was missing but OH GOD I don’t ever want to do another outside run without it.  It always bothered me that I didn’t exactly how far and how fast I was running (some days it didn’t matter to me but I never am opposed to having a reference).  The coolest thing?  It pulls data points about once a house and shows me my pace at each one.  And I can sort of watch my performance after the fact in a graph and go – “ok, that’s where I crossed the street, that’s where the hill started, that’s where I was booking it to make up some time, etc”.  You can import it into google earth even and I could see where I ran around someone who was blocking the sidewalk.  I never REALLY wanted one before (well I did but… it’s expensive!) but it’s seriously awesome.  Today, I’m going to play around with the heartrate monitor strap for my cross training workout. EDIT:  Boo, it doesn’t do heart rate indoors well.  It took my heart rate alright, but said I burnt 18 calories.  Not quite.

    1b.  For those of you accustomed to doing 10+ mile runs, do you ever feel like you’re getting ready for a trip?  Workout clothes, sunscreen (if I remember), attach runner ID to one foot, attach shoe wallet with sport beans to other, apply body glide liberally to cleavage/arms, fill and attach camelback to myself, then strap on my zune, find my running sunglasses (they’re thinner and give me less owl eyes – yes, I’m vain), and in the winter find my headband?   It’s exhausting before I even start my warmup!

    2.  I’ve been on the spark again calorie tracking.  I retroactively put in Monday and am still going today.  Oddly enough, it motivated me to eat LOTS and LOTS of good for me food.  Fancy that?  Yesterday, I felt so full I was afraid I was going to lose my cookies (err…carrots I guess) later on the ‘mill.  And I came about 250 calories under my goal because I just couldn’t put another damn thing in my cakehole.  Monday was a little under 200 under goal.  2000 calories of healthy food is HARD. 1500-1700 feels about right.  Good thing today is a cross training day, so 1500 is the goal.  I’m at about 1k now after a gigantic snack (carrots/pea pods/hummus/necatrine/jerky/wheat melbas and laughing cow), and looking forward to an awesome healthy dinner.

    3.  The scale, it moved yesterday!  Yeah, I probably shouldn’t be weighing every day but since I’m tracking it seems to feel right to weigh every day.  And this morning it sung to me like a songbird, 156.0.  Only 1lb to go until I can start the “I-trust-myself-at-maintenance” counter.  I’m going to predict 2 weeks of tracking and then I’ll be able to go back to fumbling my way through it without numbers.  I totally know why I’m NOT doing this for the majority of this year.  I’m learning pretty well about how to be pretty un-neurotic about my food and just do this thing naturally, but I start getting crazy when I have to be SO accountable.  Great for weight loss, bad for trying to figure out a “rest of my life” thing.

    4.  The weather, while NOT beautiful today, has gone from stupid cold (for us) as in highs in the 30s and lows in the 10s, to decent, meaning highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s, to rainy today and tomorrow, but starting Saturday and extending into next week, it’s supposed to be upper 60s/70s and lows in the 40s/50s.  I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD!  I missed this weather something terrible over the last few weeks.  Don’t ever leave me again!  It should be perfect conditions for a nice long run outside this weekend, and maybe I’ll have to see if I can get in a lunch/after work run next week before the sun sets.

    5.  Uhhhm, I’m kind of out of ideas now, so I’ll just say Archer on FX is pretty much hilarious.

    Have a great weekend, everyone!  I’ll probably be playing some rock band, running a lot, possibly going out on the town, and hopefully enjoying outside time on Sunday.  What’s your plans?

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  • January 13, 2010 /  Uncategorized

    So the weight verdict?  159.2.  Yeah.  So not cool at all.  I am back to tracking my calories in and out as such and weighing daily until I reach under 155.  I haven’t decided how many days I’m going to make myself weigh under 155 before I go back to normal life, but at least a few.  Honestly, I feel like my calorie allotments are WAY too high but I know the math makes sense for the training I’m doing.  Which is why I stopped tracking in the first place – 2000 calories feels like a fail/splurge but damned if my body doesn’t need it days I’m running hard.  I actually underate yesterday @ 1800 calories since it was a running day.

    So we shall see.  I’ll report in soon and let you all know how my little experiment is going.  However, it’s almost hump day, so I think it’s time for a little fluff up in here, yeah?

    And by fluff, I’m talking about fashion.  First, a PSA and a plea to everyone out there who has lost some weight or doesn’t have anything that fits them properly: GO SHOPPING.  This weekend.  Or right now.  There is nothing that makes you feel more fabulous than a few properly fitting outfits.  Get thee to a thrift store.  Over the last 3 years, I’ve had to pretty much get a whole new wardrobe each season, and I was able to do so for about 100 bucks by hitting up Savers, which gives you 20% off your purchase if you bring a donation.  Thrift store clothes on a discount.  This makes me a happy girl.

    If that’s still out of your price range, at least pick up a few pairs of jeans that are the proper size and fit, a few shirts that make you feel fabulous, and a dress/skirt/dress outfit that befits a night out on the town.  If you have a dress code at work (I’m lucky as our only rule is really show up with your naughty bits covered), pick up a few work-appropriate outfits as well.  If you’re sad that no one has noticed your progress thus far, it’s probably because you’re wearing clothes that make you look bigger… they will after this!

    So, you have no idea WHAT to purchase?  Well, let me help you with my opinions.  I may be getting old, but there is a lot of CRAP out there fashion-wise lately.  Here is my completely judgmental, skewed, and biased view of some of the things we call fashion today.

    Things I LOVE:

    1.  The sweater/knee skirt/tights/boots look.

    This is seriously one of my favorite new fashions in a while.  I’ve seen it on curvy girls, skinny girls, topheavy girls, bottom heavy girls, and it just looks fantastic.  Polished, sophisticated, put together, but also fun and spunky.  Which leads to the next…

    2.  Colored tights/patterned tights

    Seriously so much fun.  I haven’t gotten into this as much as I’d like to as I have lots of patterned skirts and not that many plain (minus two minis that are not really office appropriate), and just don’t quite have the hang of pattern mixing.  But I have a great pair of zebra stripey ones that go well with my black dress(es) and the green and white stripey ones were fun for x-mas.  I have argyle ones and silver sparklies too but I haven’t worn them in a while.  DO WANT a nice pair of red, blue, and brown to go with my nude and black ones – but haven’t obtained yet.

    Things I am learning to like:

    1.  Skinny jeans (mostly as a vehicle for boots/heels)

    Now, for the longest time I poo poo’d these, saying I wore them once, and I won’t wear them again and bought the biggest bellbottoms I could.  However, I’ve come to terms that treated properly, skinny jeans can be HAWT.  Like throw a pair of boots on top.  I tried to do this with a pair of my almost not-boot cut jeans and it didn’t work.  I need the real deal.  I’m thinking they could totally be amazing with heels too (which I have and don’t wear because I don’t have any pants that don’t eat them).  So, I ask the ladies out there – have you tried on these?  Did I just have x-mas bloat or do they run about 2 sizes smaller than normal jeans?

    2.  Long sweaters:

    Now, I also knocked these for the longest time, and then Zliten actually picked one up for me when he was out shopping.  I love it.  Somehow, it fits perfectly (which is a miracle) and is great for those days where I want something just super comfy and would rather be at home in my blanket, but don’t want to look like a complete ragamuffin in a sweatshirt.  It actually looks fairly cute and put together with a pair of not-super-wide leg jeans, boots, and a patterned scarf and you can almost pretend you’re in PJs!

    Things I still hate:

    1.  Non-maternity pregnant lady shirts

    You would think that this might hide a little extra belly, right?  In most cases, OH SO WRONG.  The ONLY time I ever see these actually look good one people are fairly skinny gals with a little pooch.  If you have big shoulders and/or boobs, this will just make you look bigger.  If you have more than a little belly, this will NOT hide it.  If you are toned in the middle then HOLY GOD WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PSEUDO MATERNITY SHIRT? *deepbreath*

    2.  Super long shirts

    This is pretty much a dress I wore dancing in 1997 – oh, you mean it’s a shirt?  But it pretty much covers my ass!  I don’t know what is up with the whole shirt dress thing but I hate it.  Me = short torso.  Any shirts that go much beyond my hip bones look horrible with jeans.  I mean perhaps it’s because I’m not wearing super low rise jeans (see below), but I much prefer the actual dress-over-jeans look (and I’m not a fan, honestly) than fake-dress-over-jeans.   Maaaaaybe this is that one exception where leggings might work, but still, again, not a fan.

    I think this may be my worst fashion pet peeve.  I can’t order t-shirts online because you never know how long they are going to be. and I can rarely find flattering ones even in stores (thank you, thrift stores….).

    3.  Shirts that poof out on your stomach and then get tight on your hips:

    I’ve been caught by these before.  This one isn’t particularly cute, but I’ve tried on some that are.  I like the gypsy sleeves and the hippie dippie look, and from the front it’s cute, right?  Well turn sideways and even if you don’t have a pooch, this shirt gives it to you.  And really, in what world is shirt-stretched-over-jeans-tightly cute and flattering for anyone?

    4.  Super low rise jeans

    Again, these look great on really skinny chicks with no belly fat.  On the rest of us NOT prominently displaying our hipbones, that natural little bit of bump below our belly button gets squished in the middle and looks ackward.  And honestly, no matter how cute you are, no one wants to see your ass crack.  Paired with the super long t-shirt you get rid of the risk of exposing yourself, but your belly just gets shoved out and even fairly small/fit girls look like they’re rockin’ the beer gut.

    5.  Leggings

    I wore them once (actually I LIVED in them in the 80s), I don’t plan to wear them again.  Whereas I can get on the skinny jeans train, I just don’t like them with heels.  It’s like wearing a super fancy skirt  and heels with an ironic t-shirt.  Sorry, try again.  I can see maaaaaybe wearing them with the long sweater with boots on top, but it’s almost a little too “pajama” for me.

    6.  80′s sunglasses

    Kayne, Im’a let you finish, but I think…well, wait, no YOU have the worst sunglasses of all time.  Go ahead, continue on.

    That being said – don’t get offended.  I have a girlfriend that rocks the long shirts and they look GREAT on her.  Another one that almost exclusively wears leggings for a night out on the town and is tres fashionable.   It’s all about making it work for you.  But seriously, get thee out shopping.  Unless your closet is as full as mine, and if you can get away, go shopping anyway.  Zliten, you totally did NOT hear that. ::grin::

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  • January 12, 2010 /  Uncategorized

    So, we’re all about honesty here.  We being me and my other three personalities, I suppose, but I digress.

    Full Disclosure #1 – I am writing this the day before, so I honestly have no idea what I weight.  All I know is I weighed in on Tuesday at 157.8 and again on Friday, at 157.8.  So I do not have high hopes for tomorrow.

    Full Disclosure #2 – I had to squash some weird urges this weekend.  I didn’t have the mindset of “I am going to be really really good so I don’t have to count calories and go back to that”, I caught myself thinking “Might as well enjoy myself before I go back to counting calories”.  Bad, bad, bad.  Chalk another one up to my *notarolemodel* list.

    Full Disclosure #3 – I am currently wearing knee length men’s black socks because they are warm.  What, just said complete honesty, didn’t specify fitness related stuff, right?

    So the great maintaining endeavor is not going so well.  That last week of holiday just kicked me in the hiney.  Literally.  Being able to barely move + eating crap = big jump in the scale.  And I’m ok with that.  Not happy, but ok.  There are a few times per year when I think it’s a good thing to just let go a little.  Just like I need a few vacations a year, I also need a few times per year where I can have a plate full of deserts at the buffet.  Or *shock-n-awe* eat sugar on the same day I also have some drinks.

    The difference is I usually move A LOT on vacations.  Vegas x 2 and NOLA, we walked at least 5 miles a day.  At home, I couch planted and barely got up.  And I was a lot more dedicated to the efforts of being really good after vacations away than home vacations.  Since I really wasn’t coming *back* from anywhere, it wasn’t as different.  And the not-as-healthy stuff was also in the HOUSE, not some faraway land.  So while I certainly haven’t been a little devil last week, I *have* had some sweets.  I have kinda been liberal with the handfuls of pretzels. I am not eating as cleanly as I had come to before the end of December.

    I did an oops and forgot to eat much on Saturday after my 10 mile run and then ate about 2/3 of the calories I burnt back with crappy pizza because it was there (instead of the burger I REALLY WANTED) and the rest of it with rum.  Yeah, I felt GREAT the next day, let me tell you.  In which I got myself the burger I wanted the night before for lunch.  I had a nice veggie-ful dinner but the damage had already been done.  I mean, I know I have some leeway when my runs burn upwards of 1300 calories but really?  Cardboard pizza?  I know that it was due to plans that fell through (we were supposed to go out to get said yummy burger with friends) but I should have been a little more sensible and had a healthy snack so I didn’t go so hog wild on the ‘za.  Even today, I felt the effects of the weekend – I didn’t feel like myself on the run and just couldn’t quite keep up the pace.

    So, besides airing my dirty laundry, I guess, I’m just giving fair warning.  YES, I had said I was no longer going to count calories, restrict calories, log my exercise, or worry about my weight.  However, that was also contingent on staying under 155.  Which I have a funny feeling is not going to happen.  So, unless magic happens, tomorrow, I return to the world of weight loss for a very short, temporary time.

    My plan is:

    -1500 calories non-running days

    -up to 2000 calories running days (since this week, I’m burning between 875-1000 on my short runs)

    -up to 2500 calories long run days (since I’ll be at about 1400 burnt on my 11 miler)

    -ONE sweet treat per day that fits into my calorie count (A hershey kiss or A truffle).

    -on high calorie days (on all days but especially when I eat more), do my best to become a trash compactor for veggies/fruit and lean protein and good fat.  Like pre-workout today, where I consume d mass amounts of fruit to natural sugar-power my workout.

    I mean, I can’t think of much else to do.  If I was not training I would go all kung fu on calorie count until the weight comes off but I learned very well last time that not feeding your body enough and running long distances does nothing but send you to the fridge to consume handfuls of chocolate chips.  So I might as well invest in myself and eat the right things instead of being forced to the fridge to eat the quickest thing because your body has to have SOMETHING.

    And the silly thing is… I might step on the scale tomorrow and have it read 153.  And I’ll have postulated and whined for nothing.

    I do think, if nothing else, it will be a good exercise for me.  I haven’t tracked my calories in and out since… sometime in the fall.  October? November?  I haven’t had to bite it and write it since then.  Maybe there is non-obvious room for improvement I’ll find.  Oddly enough, I’m almost looking FORWARD to tracking my food for a week.  Numbers, numbers, wheeee!

    The one thing I will say is that I am NOT dropping below the calorie counts above even if I don’t lose weight.  I’m working with right around 1200-ish useable calories (a little less) after workout burn which is 800 under my maintenance level (supposedly I can sit on my ass and eat 2000 calories and not gain – but this so does NOT work for me), so it should be about the minimum I can safely do.  After the race I will re-evaluate, but running is #1 priority here.  Not making myself weak and frail and skating the thin line between starvation and injury is most important.  I’m pretty sure there is a way to do that and get the holiday bloat off, right?  I mean most people run TO lose weight, heh.

    I will let you know tomorrow how the weigh in goes, or you can be my friend on the Twitter or the Book of Face as I’ll probably whine about it there earlier.  How’s the scale treating you lately?  Is it all sunshine and hugs?  Have you sent it to the corner for punishment?  How do you make sure your waistline stays in check?

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  • January 7, 2010 /  Uncategorized

    So there are a lot of new people on the interwebs, looking for direction.  Motivation.  An assurance that they CAN DO IT.  Well, let me offer my story in bullet points and summaries.  Here is a succint version of couch potato to hot potato in 3 years.  Maybe it’s just a self masturbatory exercise, but maybe it will help someone.  So, I pontificate.

    Winter 2007
    Weight: around 265
    Fitness Level: Walking a mile was doable but hurt my body and I’d be out of breath, two miles would probably make me collapse.  Daily life was tiring.  I’d email instead of getting up and talking to someone a few offices away or refrain from getting up to get something from the other other room I needed if I was on the couch.  One flight of stairs winded me.
    Smoking: Pack-a-day smoker
    Diet: Half portion controlled micro meals and soups, half trying to eat “healthy” at restaurants and cut out fried foods (trying for 1200-ish calories per day, rarely succeeding).  Typical meal would be either a marie calendar’s microwave meal or a campbell’s chunky soup.  Or soup and salad and a muffin at Mimi’s.
    Exercise program: 3 times per week of either DDR on light mode (usually for 30 minutes, but sometimes when I was mad at work I would do upwards of 2 hours) or Yourself!Fitness (PS2 game that tested your fitness and gave you workouts, either a 15 or 30 minute segment).
    Verdict: Believe it or not, I lost 30 lbs in a matter of a few months and then sorta plateaued once things got stressful (job changes and moving).  The plateau happened because I went back to eating… well, not as bad as I used to, but not very well.  Not that I was doing that great a job of it before (tallying some of those “healthy” restaurant meals up with calorie counts now that I know better – and half were still over 1k calories) And stopped making exercise a priority when things got hairy.

    Fall 2007
    Weight: around 235
    Fitness Level: Not hugely better (I didn’t see it working out), but I’d say my energy levels were definitely increased.  Daily life was not so exhausting.  I could have a normal day without just wanting to die at the end of it.
    Smoking: had cut back to half-pack-a-day smoker
    Diet: 1200-1500 calories per day minus some weekend splurges.  Typical meal would be a wrap or a sandwich on light bread/tortillas, diet microwave meals or soups, tortilla or pita pizzas, and sides of light italian salads or veggies with spray butter.
    Exercise: 20 minutes on the eliptical 3 times per week (worked up to 30), 15 minutes of general bodyweight strength training 3 times per week (pushups and crunches on the ball, tricep dips, leg lifts, etc)
    Verdict: This was huge for me.  I started sparkpeople.com and just did what spark told me to do for a month.  I lost 8 lbs and I was hooked.  I remember thinking back then, “How am I going to keep up with all that exercising?”  Little did I know… heh.  28 months later, I’m more addicted to it than I was to caffeine back then.  It was a great way to start small, and perfect for someone who didn’t WANT any specific dietary requirements.  However, through having a BANK of calories, I learned that a plate full of veggies and other good stuff was way more filling than say, pizza.  I finally started learning how to make low calorie substitutes for things I was craving (thus the pita pizza and some of my best soups were born).

    Winter 2007
    Weight: around 220
    Fitness Level: leaps and bounds better – I had just spent the last month renovating our new house, and all but the last week before move in, kept up with my regular workouts.  Could have never done that before.
    Smoking: still probably about half a pack a day but whittling down
    Diet: attempted 1200-1500 calorie per day, but realized it was the holiday season.  Pretty much the same as above.
    Exercise: had just lost access to a gym but gained a lot of space to do it at home, so I moved to 30 minutes of Dance Dance Revolution 4 times per week, and worked my way up to 45 and sometimes added a 5th day.
    Verdict:  I was amazed that I was able to continue my program through a huge life change (moving into the house, losing the apartment gym, losing the ability to pop home for lunch, etc), but it just worked.  I had increased my exercise due to the fear of the holiday season, but honestly, I barely indulged and I lost about 12 lbs between Thanksgiving and NYE.  I discovered that no matter what changed, it would still work.  I made use of my huge house instead of a gym.  I learned how to eat healthy eating most meals out.  I learned that a little more eating just meant a little more exercise.  And I started to look at myself in the mirror and see the makings of hawtness.  I did lose track of strength training for a while which was less than bueno but baby steps.

    Spring 2008
    weight: 200
    Fitness Level: I accomplished a huge milestone.  I ran around our local track 4 times without stopping.  And then pretty much collapsed.  But I ran for the first time in probably 15 years.  And it felt gooooood.  I was hooked.  Anything daily life ceased to be an issue here on out.
    Smoking: I was probably down to a quarter pack most days, maybe 3 packs a week.
    Diet: Still trying to stick near that 1200-1500, and not doing too badly at it.  Making fruit and veggies and water a priority.  Had to learn to lose weight still on not only lunches out everyday, but also catered crunch food dinners.  But I made it work with strict calorie tracking.  Typical meals were pho, turkey meatloaf, salad bars, sandwiches, or whatever else I could order off a restaurant menu that was under 500 or so calories.
    Exercise: We started crunch at work, so I got over my fears of the treadmill and started using the crap-ass work gym.  I did on average 4-5 days per week.  A typical week might be – short interval run and weights (probably about 15 mins, my sprints were about 5.5), medium run (2 miles-ish at around 5.0) and weights, long run (3 miles OMG!), and some DDR and more weights.
    Verdict: Weight loss kept speeding along, and I really got hooked on running.  It’s odd back then, I never thought about run/walk intervals, I just kept pushing myself to run as far as I could without stopping.  I’ve never been a fan of run/walking.  I find it hard to start again once I walk.  I’ve had to introduce it into my intervals for .05 mile just so I get used to it (if I have to stop and tie my shoe or for a water break in a race).  I was finally starting to get into exercise for the benefits of it itself, not just as one more thing I had to do to lose weight.  Started finally being able to get into some old college clothes and just all around feeling powerful.

    Fall 2008
    Weight: 170
    Fitness Level:  I was able to run a few miles without stopping at a reasonable pace (I’d say at my all out, closing in on 10 minute miles for a mile or 2).  Most of my dumbell exercises were 10-12 lb weights.
    Smoking: Probably about the same – quarter pack per day, maybe 3 packs per week
    Diet: I was in the gym more so I started needing to eat more, aiming for about 1300-1400 minimum.  Just about the same as above but with homecooked healthy dinners instead of takeout.
    Exercise: I finally joined a gym after finding out we were losing our office gym.  One example program when I went to 4 day weeks (after getting used to 5 days a week) was day 1/3 30 mins running, 15 mins arc trainer, and full body weights, day 2 was 60 mins run and yoga, and day 4 was 60 mins DDR and yoga.
    Verdict: I stalled for a bit and then started to lose again after I instituted the 4 day weeks.  I was feeling pretty rockstar and fit.  It was a *stressful* winter though so it took me forever to chew through about 5 lbs, but I was seeing improvement with both my weights and my running so it wasn’t so bad looking back (although back then, not losing weight was a TRAVESTY).

    Spring 2009
    Weight: 155
    Fitness Level: Was good with the 10k distance around 10 minute miles pushing it HARD.  5k was around 9 minute miles also pushing it to the max.  Increased a lot of weights (grabbing 15 – 25s for most exercises) and reps.  For the first time, toyed with the idea that I felt athletic.
    Smoking: 1-3 per day, minus some weekend nic-fests with the booze.
    Diet: Aimed for an average of about 1500 most days (1300 weekdays, 2000 weekends).  Moved work locations, so I could eat at home again so we were back on the wraps and sandwiches and homemade food at lunch and homecooked dinners like grilled chicken potatoes, and veggies or fish tacos.
    Exercise: Half training.  At it’s peak, 2 days of 5 mile runs + weights, 1 double digit long run, 1 3-4 mile tempo run + weights, one hour cross training, and two days of yoga.  Yeah, it was too much training.  I realize this now.  But it did the trick!
    Verdict:  And this is about where my weight loss stopped and I started getting more caught up in training.  I started the 3 month crazy ramp up from 10k to half marathon distance and found my love of running.  I think I *might* have underate during training (and my body revolted with some binges and practically dragging me to the fridge for any easy carbs I could get).  I did prove to myself that if I put my mind to it and put in the training, I could do anything, which was better than any crazy weight loss I could have accomplished.

    Summer 2009
    Weight: 155 still
    Fitness Level: recovering from 13.1 miles.  Feeling fit but enjoying a break.
    Smoking: 1-2 per day minus weekend nic-fits with booze.  Two packs a week max.  Maybe 1-2 days a week not smoking.
    Diet: Trying to up my calories to match my activity.  Most weeks, an average of 1700 matched well with what I was doing.  Weeding out some junk food snacks and replacing it with good fats and protien.  Allowing more healthy calories.  Same type of meals but added snacks like pistachios and sunflower seeds and started loving the protien bars in the mornings.
    Exercise: Just aiming to get some activity per day, 6 days a week.  Some days, it was a run.  Some days, dance class.  Some days, weights.  Some DDR and yoga.  Sometimes it was fun roller skating.  Burning on average about 2500 per week just doing whatever the hell I felt like.
    Verdict: I feared that after this break I’d never run seriously again.  But then I started training short distances and finally bested my junior high 1 mile record (7:50, now my fastest is 7:17) and got a 5k PR of 26:31, I realized that I’d be ok.

    Today
    Weight: 155 (see a pattern)
    Fitness Level: I am an athlete. I don’t snicker or cringe when I say this.  It is SRS BUIDNESS!
    Smoking: 1-3 per week, minus weekend nic-fits with booze.  Maaaayyyybe a pack a week max, usually closer to 1/2.  I don’t smoke more days than I smoke.
    Diet: No longer tracking calories.  Today’s food – protien bar, leftover homemade chili for lunch, pistachios, nectarine, and a bag of carrots and pea pods for a snack, homemade beef stew and some salad for dinner, and probably a hershey kiss for a sweet treat after.
    Exercise: Training for another half more sanely.  3 days a week HARD running, 2 days a week milder cross training (weight/cardio circuits), and yoga.
    Verdict: This is something I can do for the rest of my life.  I eat what makes me feel good, and what fuels me to put in the training I need to accomplish my goals.  There is allowance in my daily life for moderate indulgence – I might have a drink or four on the weekend.  I might eat a piece of particularly good looking cake.  But generally, I have leaned that I operate best on lots and lots and lots of high octane premium grade fuel.  And keeping the tank topped off with the good stuff allows me to do things like run 8 mile at 8:50 pace.

    So you see, it can happen.  Without completely shocking your system, you can go from lump on a log to bonafide athlete gal.  In 2007, I was winded walking up a flight of stairs.  In 2010, I plan to run my first marathon.  I don’t eat perfectly, I still drink, I eat (lean) red meat, and *shock-and-awe* I still haven’t completely quit the smokes.  Wherever your fitness level is at – you can get to where you want to go and miles beyond it with just a little stubborness and dedication.  I leave you to create your own self-masturbatory life experiences.  Commence!

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  • January 4, 2010 /  Half Marathon Training

    Epic.  Fail.  I think that’s about all I can say here.

    I was psyched up to do some pivital runs this week (my 8 mile tempo and 9 mile long).  I had rocked the hell outta my sprints Monday.  I was feeling great and then Tuesday morning before my workout, I sat down on the couch and OUCH, something just popped out and my left butt cheek hurt like hell and I could barely walk.  For three days.  I got better JUST in time to enjoy New Years Eve not in complete pain and only returned to a DDR cardio only workout yesterday.  I’m finally feeling up for a run today, but I also don’t wanna go into next week wiped out, so I think I am going to do something yoga-ish or DDR-ish or strength-ish later.  Or just enjoy my last day of vacation on my not-in-pain hiney and resume normalcy tomorrow.  Still haven’t decided.

    I have been battling the head-demons a bit, but mostly succeeding.  They’ve been trying to hit me with little ditties such as “missing two runs in the middle of training is going to set you back” and “what if you just lost your momentum and you can’t keep up your paces” and the classic “you are a failure for not pushing through the pain/making up the runs/etc etc”.  What I’ve been telling them is such: “Tomorrow, I’m gonna rock some sprints.  Mid-week, I’m going to bust up my self-doubt a tempo run.  Saturday, I’m going to run 10 miles and it’s going to be the fastest 10 miles I’ve ever run in my life.”  I don’t see a reason WHY a minor injury that is pretty much all better now is going to do anything to my pace.  Or missing 2 runs.  That’s just excuses.

    The only little nagging voice that is actually affecting me is the one whispering, “oh yeah, well why has this happened twice in less than two months…hmm?”  Right now I’m combating this with “being lazy about stretching, duhhh”, but I am actually really quite lucky and have a massage therapist friend who is coming to stay with us in January who I might be able to convince to work on my poor naughty knotty back.  I just really really really gotta be vigilant about a quick stretch every time I work out, and keeping up with the yoga.

    So there.  This week, I ran sprints as planned Monday (4×800 @ 8:10 pace), took off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday unexpectedly and took off Friday expectedly (Jan 1st is official hangover day, y’know).  Yesterday I did 30 mins DDR, and today, as explained before, is up in the air.

    Next week, the goal is to hit each and every workout as planned.  To keep my confidence up.  To keep my fitness up.

    Monday: 6×400 sprints @ 1:58 pace (with the requisite 1 mile warm up, 1 mile cool down, and 400 recovery in the middle)

    Tuesday: DDR circuits

    Wednesday: 6 mile tempo (tempted to make up the 8 mile tempo but I think I’ll refrain)

    Thursday: DDR circuits

    Friday: off

    Saturday: 10 mile run

    Sunday: off

    The mid-week might change a little as I might have an event to go to one night after work, but the book ends are non-negotiable.  By Saturday afternoon, I will log my 5th ever double digit run.   Wish me luck!

    Nutrition/Other Stuffs:

    I won’t be talking about losing weight very often anymore due to my resolution #1, but I am going to hop on the scale tomorrow as the first weigh in of 2010 and it will start the new modus operandi around here.  If it is under 155, no action is needed.  If it is over 155, I have one week to get it down.  If at the next weigh in it’s not under 155, I start tracking calories (attempting to average 1500 per day) until the next weigh in where I am under 155.  The only exception is right before a race – in which case the calorie restriction will start after.

    My prediction is that I will be over 155 this week, but not next week.  I did indulge a bit more than normal but I didn’t go crazy all the time.  I am actually REALLY, REALLY looking forward to getting back into my normal eating habits.  I don’t quite feel right not having my normal regiment of protein bar mornings, fruit afternoon snacks, pistachio and jerky refreshers, and healthy home cooked meals most days.

    As begrudgingly as I am returning to work and the daily grind, I’m finding that two weeks off without traveling was enough vacation to want a little normalcy back.

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  • December 31, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Now as I sit here on the last morning of 2009, I’m waxing philisophic about the year, but not quite as much as normal.  You see, it’s been a very thinky last few months.  I”ve mused on my job.  I’ve mused on my weight.  I”ve mused on my running, and come to a lot of conclusions early, so today was just really to put the proverbial pen to paper and commit to what I want to accomplish in the next year.  I feel like I”m forgetting things, but it’s not as if this is my only chance, right?  I mean there is always my annual “before 31 to do list” and mid-year check in, and all that crap.  Man, I make way too many lists.

    Anyhoo, let’s get onto it.  I have a house to clean and then copious amounts of booze to drink.

    Kekekekeke ^____^

    Kekekekeke ^____^ 12-24-08

    Last year’s resolutions:

    1.  Body: Will continue to eat in a manner that is mostly healthy as I do now and improve when I can, continue improving my fitness, and work on reaching my goal weight, whatever that ends up being, in 2009.  While I’ll always work on improving my muscles and endurance, I’d like to get to the point where the scale is just a double check a few times a week that I’m not way off track, and food journals are a thing of the past, by the end of 2009.

    Did I do it?  …sorta.  I’m more into measuring my progress by my running pace, and how my jeans fit now.  150-ish was not what I envisioned my goal weight, but it’s where my body wants to be.  So there.  I am no longer food tracking, and I’m only weighing about 1-2 times per week.  If you don’t count these two weeks of vacation, at least 80% of what I eat, I consider a healthy diet.  So I’m pretty happy.

    2.  Fitness: I will do at least one new exercise-y thing a month.  This cannot include running, DDR, yoga, traditional weights, or Cybil the arc trainer.  By the end of the year, I would like to transition 1-2 days per week to something like dance classes or volleyball or some other competitive sport OR seriously start training distance running/triathalons.  By my 30th birthday, I need to pick ONE of these to focus on and concentrate on it (and make ancillary resolutions/goals based on what I pick).  I guess what I’m trying to say is to start working out for a reason that is not just to make the scale go down.

    Did I do it?  …well, I didn’t do this exactly, but I definitely went into the year exercising solely for weight loss, and now I approach it as a sport.  If someone told me that running would never take another pound off me at the beginning of the year, I would have probably stopped.  Now, I could honestly say I would continue.  I think that’s what I was really going for here, and mission accomplished.  I also got a bike and rode it a bit, tried dance, zumba, roller skated, did some diving and swimming, and rediscovered my love for circuits.

    3.  Soul: I will pick something creative and establish a plan by my birthday to complete a concrete goal by the end of the year.  Decide if I’m going to pursue writing (maybe actually giving a novel or book of some sort a go), songwriting/recording, pick up drawing/painting again, acting, or work on selling my necklaces.  Maybe take up web design and flesh out this site into a pretty one like I used to do and really give blogging a go beyond just using this for personal theraputic purposes.  Realize that I need to pick ONE of these and focus on it or I’ll feel as lost as I did in 2008.

    Did I do it?  …eh.  I tried to do the etsy thing and never got off the ground.  I tried to write a novel and got about 30k words in and threw a tantrum.  This blog is still just my soapbox.  I drew a christmas card for Zliten, but that’s about it.  That’s ok.  I at least stuck my toe into the waters here, that’s at least half credit, right?

    4.  Get married sometime this year!  That’s about all there is to say on this one…

    …hey, 100% there.  Next!

    5.  Allow work to be on the back burner one more year. Of course, be open and receptive to any wonderful opportunities that fall into my lap, but work on enriching my personal life and hobbies instead of focusing on promotions, raises, extra responsibility, etc. Realize that having a 40 hour per week stable job right now that I can pretty much just leave at the office when I walk out the door is a blessing that is giving me opportunities to further the work on my body, fitness, and soul.

    …hey, 100% there as well.  Maybe even too much sometimes, tee hee.

    All, in all, not bad. It was a rough year in some aspects – shakeups at work, a lot of uncertainty with Zliten’s unemployment stuff, extreme frustration with my lack of weight loss.  However, I still have a job at a company with an awesome, successful, and stable product.  I made huge strides in my running, completing a half marathon and improving my pace at both slow and fast distances all year.  Zliten got a job in the industry right when it was looking grim.  We still own our house and make mortgage and the “oh crap” fund is still there.  We’re making it.  2009 was not the best year ever, but it wasn’t so bad.

    So what’s up for 2010?

    Need more fiber, apparently.  12-24-09

    Need more fiber, apparently. 12-24-09

    1.  This is the most important and different one for me – for one year, I am going to not attempt to lose weight.  As long as I maintain under 155, I’m going to put any pressure on myself to take off weight.  I’m going to focus on my running, and continuing to eat healthy.  This break really put into perspective how healthy I usually eat – I’m not eating horribly at all, but I’ve been feeling blech from eating not homecooked food for most meals and the sweet crap around the house (popcorn, almond roca, truffles, etc etc).  Now, if I *do* take off weight somehow, I’m not going to be opposed to it, but the biggest present I’m giving to myself this year is the gift of stepping on the scale, and not wanting to be less than I am, for once in my life.

    2.  Running – I want to do a half marathon in under 2 hours, and I want to run a full marathon (no pace goal, just run the whole thing… well, who am I kidding, I’ll have a pace goal by the time I finish training, but anyhoo…) this year.  After that, decide what’s next.  Martial arts?  Triathlons?  More marathons?  Ultras?  Also, I want to make sure to not forget stretching and yoga.  That’s when I start getting injured like I am now with hurty butt.

    3.  I will dedicate 6 hours per week to writing, revising, reading other books, or outlining.  I want to finish what I started for NaNoWriMo, and then move on to another one.  It would be peachy keen if I could do some necklaces, I would love to start songwriting, but I think this is my year of writing.

    4.  I’m not sure exactly what I want to say here, but I want to figure out what’s next career-wise.  I have spent the last few years keeping my head down and trying to stay out of the way so I can support the creatives, get my check, and go on my way.  That is SO not me.  I can’t continue to do that forever.  I might not have the ability to get what I want just yet, but I want to have a direction by the end of the year.

    5.  Some one liners: Travel outside the country.  Be more spontaneous.  Continue to whittle down my smoking.  Try something new with my hair.  Continue to draw things out of the magic hat.  Host some game nights at the house.   Attempt to keep a cleaner house so it’s not embarrassing when someone comes over unannounced.  Do more industry events and get over my boredom with networking for networking sake.  Play more games.  Continue to live a life where I can have at least ONE memorable thing I do each month (2009 has many more than 1 per month, but that’s my absolute minimum requirement).

    So there, it looks like I have a lot to do, so I best get crackin’.  How was your 2009?  What are you most looking forward to in 2010?  What is your biggest resolution or goal for the next year?

    Happy New Years, and I’ll see ya on the other side…

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  • December 11, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    Just wanted to first give huge thanks for the comments and advice on Wednesday’s post.  I appreciate the advice.  It kinda hit me this morning when I weighed myself and the scale fluctuated each time I got on it (like, some weights made me go woohoo and then some made me go aaaaack, that much).  Does it REALLY matter what I weigh?  If my running keeps progressing nicely?  If all my clothes either continue to fit or get too big on me?  Maybe it ISN’T denial to not weigh myself often.

    Same with the eating.  I was reading over my posts over the last few months and the biggest theme is “I’m eating in a way which would rationally and numerically make me lose weight, and I’m not *grrrrr*”.  Counting calories worked for me for so long and then it just DIDN’T.  I think I eeked out the last 15 lbs while skating the thin line between extreme diet mode and starvation mode, and it’s not a comfortable place to be.  I’m tired of it.  Thinking about it sends me into a temper tantrum.

    So my inclination is to say fuck it.  No, my inclination is to scream FUCK IT from the highest mountain top I can find.  If the scale isn’t going to provide me with any useful feedback (apparently I weigh something between 153.0 and 159.0 this morning, heh), then fuck it.  It’s not worth my time.  If calorie counting isn’t providing me with any useful feedback, fuck it.  Apparently I maintain no matter whether I eat an average of 1400 and burn 3k calories per week or eat an average of 1900 and burn less.  Maddening.

    I stopped calorie counting a few weeks ago, and I went back to it last week for a few days.  It just got under my skin.  Usually it’s no biggie, but it just pissed me off for some reason.  So I stopped again.  Right now, I’m just trying to trust my body to nourish itself properly.  And oddly enough, it’s working.  My size 6 super low rise jeans still fit.  I am enough of a big girl to go into the kitchen, serve myself healthy food I made, and stop when I’m full.  After 3 years, my eat watch is pretty much fixed.  It doesn’t take math to make me stop eating anymore, as long as I really pay attention.  Am I eating out of boredom?  Am I eating because I’m grumpy?  Am I eating because it’s there and I want to finish it?  If the answer is no and I’m hungry and I really truly want it, then it’s a valid reason.

    Same with workouts.  It used to be fear motivating me, that I was going to get fat again if I didn’t work out.  Now… well, I guess it’s fear too but a different, better fear.  I am afraid of losing fitness progress.  I’m afraid of not being prepared for my next race.  I’m terrified of going back to being a wuss.  I am horrified at the idea of a 5k ever being a big deal.  I knew very early on that I’d have to move away from workouts simply for weight loss or I wouldn’t stick with it.  I am everlastingly thankful for running and races in that vein.  I can’t see a time when I won’t be actively pursuing getting harder, better, faster, stronger.

    The problem is – that same thinking food-wise goes down a scary path that’s dangerous to follow.  I don’t want to go there.  So I need to come up with a good way to motivate myself.  This is where I need the most help.  I need to sit down and come up with goals that don’t go against my core values of how this healthy journey should be.  I refuse to avoid food groups.  I am a runner, I need my carbs.  Even some simple carbs.  My body has ALWAYS run on a carby tank.  I shut down creatively and functionally when I restrict them (even after months).  I refuse to have to avoid eating at parties and restaurants.  Zliten and I cook lunches and dinners together, so there is only so far I can take meals.  However, I’ve definitely made strides on what I eat outside mealtimes and will continue.  Next step is convincing myself fruit is a viable desert instead of chocolate.  Did it last night!

    Even with all this strong talk, I’m terrified.  Giving up caring about the scale means I run the risk of gaining.  Giving up calorie counting means I run the risk of gaining.  Trusting myself after 3 years of triple checks and balances put in place to keep me safe in my little padded weight loss room?  Scary.  My track record is not very good – this is the longest I’ve ever kept weight off and I’m half convinced it’s only because I’m trying to lose.  If history repeats itself, I’ll be 300 lbs by next year.  I mean, my head is completely different and I’ve gone through so much mental shit and dealt with a lot of things over the last 3 years, but with the training wheels coming off and trusting myself to balance on my own?  Still frightened.

    And then, there is that horrible fear that this is the best I’ll ever be.  That I’m not good enough right now, and this is the closest I’ll ever get.  Stupid brain!  I am a damn fine looking woman.  At my current weight.  I might not have that long lean look I covet, I might own some clothes that aren’t terribly flattering or from age 14 that don’t fit or whatever.  And maybe the solution instead of longing to be thin enough that everything looks good on me is to give away anything in my closet that doesn’t make me feel fabulous.

    Maybe the lesson that I’ve been fighting here is not how to power past a plateau, but to learn how to accept myself here.  To come to terms that I don’t have to be perfect to be done.  That maybe it’s time to wrap up this year of beating my head against the proverbial weight loss wall and have a kinder, gentler 2010.  Where 153-155 is good enough.  Where all that matters is I have enough fuel in my tank to push through my long (and increasingly longer) runs.  Where I continue to work on eliminating the fat and building more muscle for the sake of sport.

    It’s like planning a project here at work.  No matter what, things change, dates change, hell, sometimes the whole thing changes.  Three years ago, I just wanted to not be so fat.  Two years ago, I wanted to get down to my college weight of 170.  A year ago, I picked 135 as it seemed like a good idea.  Never in a million years did I have any idea that I’d be training for my second half marathon and have my sights on a full one.  Never did I think that I’d be rocking size 6s and smalls.

    Maybe it’s not giving up to be the weight I am now.    I mean, it’s kinda nice to not have to buy a new wardrobe each season because nothing fits.  It would be nice to feel as if I’m there.  I know it’s just a head shift.  But it’s frightening to allow myself to feel good, to feel accomplished, to feel done.  Because that stupid voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that’s quitter talk.

    I have some more thinking to do.  Perhaps I even have some experimenting to do.  But something just keeps telling me there is a lesson here that I’m not letting through.  Maybe I just need to realize that Vienna waits for me, and I just need to make the decision to go there.  I don’t want to look back on this time of my life as the period where I was amazing, but I didn’t give myself credit for it.  If I’m so damn smart, why am I so afraid?  I can’t be everything I want to be before my time (thought I want to so very badly).  I’ve got my passion and pride (in spades) – and my crazy side is saying only fools are satisfied.

    Oh, Billy Joel.  Are you telling me that I can take my phone off the hook for 2010 and disappear from my crazy for a while?  It’s alright?  I can afford to lose a year or two to the pursuit of something besides a perfect figure?  Will Vienna still wait for me?

    Less navel gazing next week.   Have a lovely weekend!

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  • December 9, 2009 /  Uncategorized

    I have to have this conversation with myself once every few months lately, so you get to get in on this one.  Lucky you.

    1995 - right before I quit gymnastics

    So it’s been another 2 months since the wedding, and just like every vacation this year, I was able to quickly drop the “bloat weight”, and then seeing the scale go down starts to get me excited.  If I can drop the 3-5 lbs to get me right back around that 153-154 that I’ve been hovering at, maybe this is the time.  Maybe this is finally that month where my body is going to start cooperating and we’ll see some low low 150′s, and then that magical day I’ve been dreaming of – when I step on the scale and see 149.something.  And I’m not leaning on the counter.

    And every time, I am doing great, I see a low 153, maybe even a 152, and then I GET STUCK.  Here I am now, bouncing around in the low/mid 150s.  Where I have been since about April.  To give reference and numbers because I love that stuff, I am 5’5″ and 150 is the tippy top of normal range for me via BMI.  However, when I was a serious gymnast at age 14ish, I was only about 30 lbs lighter and I was a muscle beast.  The only difference in my body now (besides the extra weight which I am convinced is ALL in my tummy) is I’m a D cup instead of a B, which all in all, ain’t so bad.  My

    1997 - Diving Senior Year (what is my penchant for sports wearing almost nothing?)

    back then go-to size was 7.  My now go-to size is 8 (which we all know is bigger because average sizes are bigger but still).  I have once again become a muscle beast.  I am a capable athlete.  While I wouldn’t dream of being able to do a straddle press to a handstand, girlfriend back then wouldn’t dream of being able to run 13 miles.

    So why isn’t that enough?  Why is it absolutely imperative that I get down to some number that I’ve set for myself?  What wonders is life going to hold 20 lbs from now?  I’ve already had the reality check that life still sometimes SUCKS some days even when you are a healthy weight and for all intents and purposes financially comfortable.  Removing those two worries from life does not guarantee happily ever after.  Will I be able to run faster?  Probably a little but I highly doubt I’ll be rocking 5 minute marathon miles.  Will I finally love and accept my body wholly and completely and nary once look in the mirror ever and go, “ugh, that stomach is NOT hawt” and suck in my cheeks and wish my face looked more like that?  Probably not.  At about 120 and 10% body fat at 14 (you couldn’t pinch an inch anywhere, I had a 6-pack, the only fat in my body was in my boobs), I was still not thin enough as a gymnast compared to my 80 lb teammates.  But without doing something drastic, it just wasn’t going any lower.

    Fall 2007 - Yes, that is me, not Violet turning into a blueberry. 30 lbs down, believe it or not

    It’s not that I don’t appreciate where I’m at.  I’m not discounting the work I put in to lose 110+ lbs.  I appreciate how life changing and wonderful that is.  The thing is – I got the ball rolling Sept 2007 with a 8 lb loss that month, and never stopped losing each week EVER until about a year later.  So while it was effort, I already had the inertia.  I knew in my head that it was going to be hard to get going again so I just kept doing it.  I was very right.

    I also don’t discount the work I put in within the last 20 lbs lost going from huffing and puffing through a 5k at around 11-12 minute miles, to now cutting that time to 8:30 miles and being able to go over 4x that distance.  My body looks and feels and handles completely differently in the last year.  Clothes that fit last winter 10-15 lbs ago hang off me.  Every pair of pants I own fits, even the “skinny jeans” I bought myself this spring that didn’t quite work when I weighed a few lbs less.

    Jan 2008 -200. Starting to feel strong.

    But the scale just keeps taunting me.  I’ve tried eating less, I’ve tried eating more, I’ve tried intuitive eating, I’ve tried strict calorie counting, I’ve tried rest weeks, I’ve tried everything that doesn’t involve giving up food groups or foods of one color, ie, things that to me feel like sane, reasonable eating I can do for the rest of my life.  I’ve posted a week of my intake, and the comments were somewhere between “yum” and “I’m getting hungry just reading, eat more”.  Sadly, the best progress weight-wise I seem to make are rest weeks from the gym where I barely do any working out and I restrict my calories down super low (1300).  When I start working out more and thus eating more (even if the calories I take in are way less than the extra calories expended), I go back to 154.

    July 2008 -175 - muscles starting to peek out...

    It’s to the point where I need to make a decision – spend the few months between the next half marathon and when I start marathon training going back to baby workouts and a 1200 calorie diet to see if I can take off the last 20, or just take a stand and say this is it.  I don’t know what else there is.  My thyroid and all other tests came out fine.  The numbers show I should be making progress.  I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that I cannot eat as much as any of you out there and lose weight.

    Jan 2009 - 160 - First mini in public that wasn't a costume since college!

    Option one sounds painful (I am so addicted to exercise I actually don’t feel right in the head after rest weeks), but so does option two, because it feels like giving up.  I still have a dress I can’t fit in.  I’m still “overweight” BMI-wise.  My tummy still poofs out all funny under the belly button.  I still have something I’m pursuing in my head and I’m not there yet.  It’s not just a number.  I just want to get to that point in my life where I don’t get up every morning wishing I was smaller.   The sad thing is I have never been there, so I can’t say when it will be.  I have always been the Merry Lou Retton in a world of Shannon Millers.  Stocky, muscular, and powerful looking at our best.  But you gotta wonder, did she ever just wish she had that typical, emaciated gymnast body?  My theory is that at some weight, I have to lose the “stockiness” about me and just look badass.   But how far do I have to go to do it?

    June 2009 - Around 155, right before starting my half marathon

    It’s just part of my insatiable mega-manic personality.  I always thought the line, “somehow I feel like I was destined to be more” seemed cheesy, because don’t we ALL feel destined to be more?  I’m trying to think of a way to say this that doesn’t make me sound like a horrible, self-deprecating person, but every day that I am not extraordinary, I am a failure to myself.  Can I add to that “in a good way”?  Like, the drive in me to be more, do more, be something amazing pulls me along by the nose.

    That’s the quirk that had me in the gym 4-7 hours per day 6 days a week, or got me mostly straight As in school, or had me working 100 hour weeks without prodding, or now that has me working towards running 26.2 miles.  It hit me recently that no, not everyone feels “destined for more”.  Some people are just continent to be themselves and live their lives and are genuinely happy.  Sometimes I really am jealous of them.  Most times, I cannot imagine not having this crazy drive to do and to be more.

    Oct 2009 - 155ish - getting married and looking pretty hawt doing it

    But I have this crazy bail button that keeps me from completely fulfilling my evil genius tendencies.  I cannot give myself over completely to the crazy.  Too close to the flames and I start feeling the burn.  Once I start getting too far gone I pull the crazy-chute.  I quit gymnastics and spent the last 2 years of high school being normal (if you can call normal honor roll, various clubs and activities, varsity diving, and two part time jobs).  I quit the crazy job and now work a 40 hour week unless I am required to work more.  NaNoWriMo made me throw a tantrum and I haven’t opened up the document since.

    That’s one reason I’m trying to take the running at a safe and sane pace – I want to continue for a long time.  The 3 runs a week program is feeding both my mega-crazy side (I am positively shredded after each workout) and my eject button side (I never run 2 days in a row), and the time commitment is less insane than last time.  So that is mucho bueno.

    And the most recent - still around 155 - about to Turkey Trot!

    So in summary – I’m just feeling a little bummed about what the scale is saying to me, realizing it’s the last month of 2009, where I was damn sure I was going to find my goal weight and stick with it because I was impossibly close.  I have surely found A WEIGHT to stick with, but not the one I was hoping for.  I just need to figure out what to do without triggering the crazy – if 1200 calories is good then 1000 calories is better and 750 calories IS BEST and fainting while running means I’m working hard, right?  (I’m not there at all, believe me, but I acknowledge that I can get stupid focused to the point of losing my perspective sometimes.)  I also don’t want to trigger my eject – the fuck it, I am done with this healthy living bullshit, I am going to do something completely different.  I don’t want to go back to stuffing my face and not leaving my apartment unless forced.

    Thank you for allowing me to lay on the proverbial couch here and vent.  Now, I wanna hear from you.  What’s working for you right now?  How do you know (or will you know) that you’re at your proper and happy weight?  Has there been a time in your life where you were utterly and completely satisfied?  Any advice?  Since I am broke and can’t afford a nutritionist, life coach, head shrinker, or the like, I turn to you – internetties!

    Rainbows and sunshine next post, I promise!

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  • December 7, 2009 /  Half Marathon Training

    Again, I loathe to call this week 2.  Why?  Because I got my dumb bunny butt sick last Sunday and have been recovering, so it’s week 2 out of 2 I haven’t done the proper training on the proper schedule.  However, considering the half is 10 weeks away whether I do it or not, here we go.

    Last week’s plan went to crap so let’s just examine what I did:

    Monday – sick.  Barely made it through work.  Was in no condition to do anything but lay on the couch and go to sleep around 9pm.

    Tuesday – still sick, but not quite as much.  I needed to move around so I did about 80% intensity DDR for about 30 mins.

    Wednesday- felt better, but was snotty and coughy, so I stayed out of the gym for the sake of other people.  If it wasn’t freezy outside I would have run but I didn’t want to aggravate the cold.  Did 30 mins full intensity DDR instead.

    Thursday – felt good enough to gym.  Did 4 miles, allowed myself to go as slow as I wanted even though it was supposed to be my tempo.  Got bored going supah slow and ended up around 10:20 pace.  Could have gone faster too, but I didn’t have a rest day between runs so I took it as easy as I would let myself without going insane.

    Friday- felt good and did my 6 mile long run for the week.  Came in at a 10 min/mile pace.  I’m supposed to be long running at around 9:40 so considering I still had the phlegm going on, I won’t complain.

    Weekend – fail.  Was supposed to do a 4×800 sprint session, or at least put in the miles, but I just rested.

    So, considering I came down with the funk and sounded mostly like a dying narwhal all week, I feel like I did ok.  I still have some congestion going on, but feel 100% healthy, so it’s time to pick up the pace.  So, I present to you, Week 3!

    Monday: warmup, 3×1600 @ 8:25 pace, cooldown.

    Tuesday: DDR circuits (weights, I has missed you!)

    Wednesday:  5 mile tempo @ 8:55 per mile (eeep – I didn’t even race this fast)

    Thursday: DDR circuits (or equivalent gym type activities)

    Friday: 7 mile run @ 9:40 per mile (yipes.  Just…yipes)

    Weekend: rest

    Yoga shall be done twice this week.  Whenever I can fit it in.

    To be quite honest, the paces scare the crap out of me.  But I figure the next few weeks I’m going to slog through them and see how close I can get (since I have a day of not-running after each), and then later, if my body still doesn’t wanna move so fast, adjust my expectations for my half time.  This is the first week that *should* go as planned so cross your fingers for me!  The weather is not cooperating well with my happy fun outside time, but considering I continually feel BETTER and FASTER when I get to run outside than when I get on a treaddy, I think it’s less key this time around than when I had barely ever run outside.

    Other Things of Thingeeness:

    -After my diatribe on smoking, I went 7 full days without one, and didn’t feel so crave-y until the alcohol came out Saturday.  I think I was fairly responsible and didn’t have too many, and haven’t had one since.  The cold weather helps.  I think the goal will continue to be no smokes during non party times unless I’m crazy for one, and if I am, I should examine why (is it habit, stress, trying to suppress appetite, etc).  During party time, keep it to one smoke per drink, max (and not use that as an excuse to start chugging drinks).

    -I haven’t touched my book.  I’m feeling burnt out in general, but definitely in terms of writing.  I’m giving myself a little leeway here this month but it’s definitely one of my resolutions.

    -We hung our Christmas lights on Saturday!  Along with our tree, and old timey holiday music going all day, my little bah humbug heart grew at least 2 sizes.

    -It really hit me Friday how gosh darn broke we are this month (2 weeks forced unpaid leave for Zliten at the end of the month, 6 months of car insurance coming due the 22nd, other bills, some dental work, gifts, etc etc), and considering we DO have 2 weeks off together for the first time in forever, we don’t want to just sit at home.  So for the next 2 weeks, it’s cook/hang out at home palooza (a positive spin on something otherwise known as eating out/drinking out = banned)!  We really sat down and looked for yummy recipes we’re excited about.  Some are a little heartier and higher calorie, but these are the sacrifices I make so Zliten doesn’t pout too badly.  Luckily, we’ve got a work party and 2 friend parties so we’re not going to feel *too* antisocial.  We have some really cool plans for our time off and don’t want to have to cancel them!

    -Also in that vein, I have given up clothes shopping for the month of December.  I originally said that I would give up clothes for the month (which got a “woohoo” from Zliten), but that would be cold.  So unless my only pair of nude nylons gets a run or somehow I am in need of something for running I cannot live without, no fashion related purchases until 2010.  I know, I’m crying a little on the inside too.

    -Oh, if anyone’s curious about my weight (yeah, didn’t think so), I’m still hanging out right around that 154 range.  As always, I’m making the effort to eat healthily the majority of the time, and y’all know my workouts are hardcore, but my body just doesn’t want to budge.  I counted my calories last week just as practice, but it’s reinforcing what I knew I would be at – about 1400 during the week, about 1800-2000 weekends.   Which I think is reasonable and think that it seems like cruel and unusual torture to drop below.  I’ve been doing some thought on that but I’ll save it for another navel gazing day.

    I think that just about wraps it up.  Everyone have a good weekend?  What’s your #1 on your holiday wishlist from Santa?

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  • November 23, 2009 /  Half Marathon Training

    So, let me just wrap up last week before I get on with it.  It was pretty much a bust.  I injured myself and couldn’t run Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday I had an event to go to and still felt a little stiff, and apparently I had something emotionally to work out as Zliten and I stayed up until 4am drinking on a weekday, so I was too exhausted Thursday after slogging through a tough day at work hungover on no sleep.  Yeah.   Hello, me 3 years ago.  I did get up and do a 6 mile run and a killer DDR circuit Friday and Saturday, but I am still very disappointed with how much I’ve let distance running lapse this summer, and how HARD that was to just keep up a pace that was about what I’ve targeted my long run pace to be (around 9:45 per mile).  Sunday, I counted 6 hours of shopping as my cardio.

    Yet again this week, I am terrified of the scale.  Not that I think I did that badly, it’s just this irrational thing that happens once I let go of tracking, I think I’m going to just start gaining and gaining.  I don’t trust myself yet to really know what to do without the numbers.  We will see.  A healthy day today and a nice long run tonight, and I’ll be ready to hop on tomorrow morning so I can give a “start weight” for the half process.

    While my goal is still to get down to under 150 by December 31st, I am not going to actively try to cut calories very low for the rest of the year.  I reached my low weight of 150.2 a few weeks into half training last time just with increased exercise (before my appetite caught up).  Maybe this will happen again!  Regardless – pushing my body to run harder, better, faster, stronger is more important than losing a few lbs as of today.

    So, let’s get on with it.

    Basic Half Marathon Goals:

    -Using the FIRST half marathon methodology (of course, an amalgamation of lots of different plans though), I’m going to be ONLY running 3 days per week.  But the running days, they are killer.  Most Mondays are sprints days.  They vary between 4×400 to start out with (with a mile warmup and cooldown) and 5×1600 (same).  Wednesdays are tempo runs, ranging from 4-8 miles before the taper.  Friday/Sat/Sun (one of these days): is the long run, progressing from 5 miles this week to 12 miles before the taper.

    I noticed that I am a lot better and fresher with a day off between runs and feel like I can expend more effort.  I also remember feeling like slogging through some of those 4-5 mile slow pace weekday runs were pointless.  I totally get the 3 quality runs per week idea and the research shows that most people PR with the training.  It also means I can keep up with DDR and weights as well without feeling like I have to squeeze it in.

    -I’m going to try the “lots of food/good food” type approach.  Trying to limit my intake during training was like trying to ask a dragon politely not to breathe fire.  So I’m going to give myself permission to snack as much as I want on APPROVED things, like veggies, jerky, pistachios… and probably find some healthy, whole grainy carb type things.  I will keep my meals unchanged.  This is not going to be an excuse to hit the buffet and eat 1500 calories.  I will also NOT eat out of the fridge.  This has to stop before it starts.  If I want a modest snack of turkey pepperoni, a bowl of pistachios, and a tub of mixed greens, I need to serve it to myself and take it at least to the couch.

    -My “pie in the sky” goal is sub 2 hours.  My 5k time translated into half marathon time says I should be able to do it.  The reality is – I’m just much better at short distance speed than I am picking up the pace beyond my “run forever” pace of about 10:30-11 minute miles once I get in the double digits.  My realistic goal is to beat my time from the last one.  My “the-day-is-shite” goal is just to finish without walking.

    This week is a little weird as I’m doing a 5 mile race on thanksgiving.  I haven’t trained for it for crap, but I think with race day jitters I can at least pull out a 45 minute (9 min mile) pace.  If not, hey, I ran 5 miles Thanksgiving morning before I stuff my face with turkey, and I got a groovy shirt.  Totally win.  So this week is:

    Monday: 5 mile pace (let’s call it a tempo)

    Tuesday: DDR circuit (these are still kicking my butt wonderfully)

    Wednesday: yoga/rest

    Thursday: 5 mile RACE (let’s call this my long run)

    Friday: DDR circuit

    Saturday: 4×400 sprints (1 mile w/up + cool down, 400m recovery in between)

    Sunday: rest

    Normally, it would be run M/W/F, DDR circuits Tu/Th, but the race mucks this up.  I already screwed up the ability to run this all outside (unless I decide tonight to hit the track for 5 miles in the dark…hmmm…didn’t think of that before) but unless the weather brings forth some icky icky clouds I’m golden for sprints at the track on Saturday.

    The paces frighten me.  For an approximate 9:10 goal pace, which is a 2 hour half, here is what they want me to train at:

    400s – 1:58 (no problem)

    800s – 4:02 (again, no problem)

    1600s – 8:25 (no problem in theory, 5 of these in one workout will be KILLER though)

    tempo: 8:55 per mile (err, 8 miles below 9 minute miles? sceeery!!!)

    long run: 9:40 per mile (this will be pretty brutal too, but I feel more confident about this than the tempos).

    Wish me luck!  Anyone ever done 3 day per week running training, or at least focused on quantity over quality miles?  Any suggestions on making improvements on long distance pace?   My brain just seems to get intimidated and shut off the ability to really push myself above a 5k.

    NaNoWriMo:
    I’m about 9k words behind.  I’m going to try and rally this week… but that would mean almost 2700 words per day.  What I’m going to do if I *don’t* finish is to dedicate at least 1.5 hours after work 2 days per week and 3 hours on a weekend day EACH WEEK until I finish.  Unless I’m really inspired to talk about it before then for some reason, I’ll let you in on how I did December 1st.

    And, if you made it through this far, let me reward you with this gem.  I feel greeeeeeeaaaattt!  Baaaaabiiiieeesss!!!!  Happy faux-Wednesday if you’ve got a short week like we have for Thanksgiving!  If not, happy Monday to the lot of ya.

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