{"id":1971,"date":"2010-05-07T16:10:19","date_gmt":"2010-05-07T16:10:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/?p=1971"},"modified":"2010-05-07T16:10:19","modified_gmt":"2010-05-07T16:10:19","slug":"an-eaters-manifesto","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/2010\/05\/07\/an-eaters-manifesto\/","title":{"rendered":"An Eater’s Manifesto"},"content":{"rendered":"

Deep thoughts by Quix time.\u00a0 This post has been welling for a while.\u00a0 Charlotte started it<\/a>, and then reminded me<\/a> about it again.\u00a0 And I’ve been ridici-busy so I have been posting the facts about the new project: maintenance weight, but not much of the feelings.<\/p>\n

I am, in quite a few areas of my life, a control freak.\u00a0 In certain instances, I do just the opposite – for example, I like going into interviews (where I am the interviewer, not the interviewee) without even a glance at the resume.\u00a0 I find that I make better character decisions having no preconceptions about my subject.\u00a0 I never run race courses or even study them before the fact, because I find I run better without knowing what to dread.\u00a0 It might have bit me in the ass for the Austin Half, but with my illness, I might not have had it in me to run up those hills even if I would have run more conservatively.<\/p>\n

However, in general, to borrow a catch phrase from a friend’s live journal, I am the girl with a map and a plan.\u00a0 I derive as much pleasure from plotting the course as traveling it, and probably even more than actually being there.\u00a0 I feel like I missed out on an awesome part of the experience if things are too spontaneous.\u00a0 I spend days and days searching for the optimal flight times, best hotel for the price, and the best days to go on vacation.\u00a0 Zliten is perfectly happy just to nod his head, put in for the time off, and hop the plane with me.\u00a0 Same with my weight loss.\u00a0 I enjoy making a plan down to the itty bitty details, the mental toughness and process of following through with it, and arriving at the end as expected.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I love exercise because it’s very black and white.\u00a0 Sure, there are the grey areas of “well, I planned to run 6 miles but only ran 4”, but they’re rare, and it’s even rarer that I end the week with significantly less calories burnt or training completed than I expected.\u00a0 It’s generally go or no go.\u00a0 If I’m sick, an emergency comes up, injured, or very very occasionally just poop out and need an extra day off, I don’t go.\u00a0 Otherwise, I go and do what I’ve set out to do.\u00a0 It’s not an issue for me anymore.<\/p>\n

Eating – for some reason this is my Achilles heel.\u00a0 Workouts are 45-90 mins of my day.\u00a0 Eating is something I have to be conscious of every waking moment.\u00a0 I enjoy eating.\u00a0 I enjoy eating both healthy food, and unhealthy food.\u00a0 I plan my meals out for the week, but I also find that I incur personal resentment and also the resentment of others if my eating plan takes away the ability to engage in spontaneous opportunities of socializing.\u00a0 So sometimes even though I had planned to eat that fish, brown rice, and veggies dinner, I find myself somewhere else, needing to pick from the lesser of two evils.<\/p>\n

Therein lies the rub.\u00a0 Sure, I know there is the option to go socialize without overdoing.\u00a0 Every Wednesday (well, every Wed when we can) we go to trivia night.\u00a0 Said night is at a beer\/wine bar that serves delicious food.\u00a0 My compromise with myself is that if we grab something quick at home and I get up early to get in a workout to burn some calories, I can have a few glasses of wine.\u00a0 I’ve come to terms with this, but I still drool over everyone’s food at the table while we play because a) it looks good b) I’ve shortcutted myself calories to drink wine because to make it there by 7 and already be fooded, I can’t get much of a workout in unless I’m up before the crack of 8am.<\/p>\n

However, since it’s a planned thing, I deal.\u00a0 And it’s totally worth it because it’s fun.\u00a0 Now the problem lies when it’s a random “hey, let’s go out for dinner and drinks tonight”.\u00a0 I am able to keep a semblence of a social life and wanton care and regard for calories only due to PROPER PLANNING.\u00a0 If I know I’m going out (aka, last nights chicken fajitas, chips, and margaritas), I do the lean and mean thing the rest of the day (700 cals for breakfast, lunch, and snacks).\u00a0 When that’s sprung on me, I don’t abide well.\u00a0 I try to eat more during the day because it makes me happier and feel better.\u00a0 If I’ve eaten a big healthy lunch and then I have to go out and watch people chow on things that look great while I push around a salad, it does not make me happy (or a fun person to be around).<\/p>\n

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I used to be better at it.\u00a0 It was much more urgent to me before to be strict with myself.\u00a0 At first it was to get my life back.\u00a0 Then it was to finally feel hot and look good for once in my adult life.\u00a0 The problem is twofold now – there isn’t this urgency all the time in my brain to eat the right thing.\u00a0 It’s so hard to really care about this 10 lbs every moment of the day like I used to.\u00a0 Sure, it bugs the crap outta me when I’m getting dressed and I have two pairs of jeans I can’t wear anymore and a few shirts that seem to have shrunk (!).\u00a0 While I know I need to care, it’s HARD on a daily basis to feel it is such an emergency that I need to deny my hungries.\u00a0 Also – eating more doesn’t just make me happier, it gives me the ability to excel more at this newfound “being an athlete” thing.\u00a0 When I create a deficit in my calories, I also see the ability to go faster\/further than before get a lot harder.\u00a0 I know it has diminishing returns (I’ll hit a certain point where I’m carrying more weight and it will in turn slow me down) but it feels GOOD just to give myself permission to properly nourish and feed my body what it wants.<\/p>\n

I think the problem is I’ve tasted the freedom.\u00a0 I spent a good chunk of 3 years feeling that losing weight was an urgent task and priority – an emergency if you will.\u00a0 I then spent some time without focusing on that.\u00a0 It’s like finally finding a shoe that fits you perfectly.\u00a0 Sure, you thought those other ones were fine, but after walking on air, they might as well be 6 inch stilettos that pinch and wobble.\u00a0 Walking these miles in my old shoes has not been fun.\u00a0 I hate the mentality that I just “want to lose the weight quickly so I can get back to real life” but it’s there.\u00a0 I’m not doing anything totally drastic or unhealthy to do it, but I am restricting.\u00a0 It’s not as if I’m clamoring to go back to 3 meals of fast food a day – but just the ability to nourish my body completely.<\/p>\n

The main problem is – I feel like I can’t eat the kind of food I used to, like I have to be super careful now.\u00a0 I used to get by just fine on most of my meals being restaurant and take out.\u00a0 We were lucky to have a few dinners at home per week and EVERY lunch out.\u00a0 Now, when I have more than a meal or 2 out in a row I see it on the scale and feel it.\u00a0 I have a few standbys that fit into my life (sandwich shops, salad bars, build-a-burrito places, chinese buffet near our house loaded with veggie dishes, etc etc) but I think I’ve trained my body too well over the last year or so.\u00a0 It wants good quality lean meats, mass quantities of vegetables and fiber, sufficient portions of carbs, way more fats than I used to consume (and I’m still on the low side of normal), just enough calcium (no cheese used to be a standby on my weight loss tactics), and tons of fruit.\u00a0 There is just not much room in there for junk food, or I feel deprived nutritionally.\u00a0 And if I can’t enjoy junk food occasionally, I feel deprived in my soul.\u00a0 It’s a catch 22.\u00a0 Intuitive eating has bit me in the ass, my friends.<\/p>\n

Basically, my problem is I can’t pick at food like I see my friends do.\u00a0 You there – I just don’t understand how a plate of food is in front of you and you’re not just nom nom nomming it down?\u00a0 How are you picking at it and leaving half and just not all consumed by the experience and the pleasure and the taste of that which is in front of you?\u00a0 How do you make do with so little nourishment in your body?\u00a0 How much of my hungry is mental and how much of it is actually my body crying out for food?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Now, I’m not saying I’d like to develop eat-like-a-bird syndrome all the time.\u00a0 I’d just like to be able to go to a restaurant, order something small, and know that LIFE WILL BE OK.\u00a0 Because right now, it’s not.\u00a0 I eat restaurant size portions at home of big, lovely, wonderful healthy food.\u00a0 And it’s ok.\u00a0 My problem is my body does not cope well when we have to have itty bitty meals (which are the same amount of calories) when we go out.\u00a0 When we eat at friends’ houses.\u00a0 Is it possible that I just chew through more nutrients than the average person even though the weight loss has been PAINFULLY slow and even more PAINFUL to facilitate with tracking each bite, making sure not only to get enough exercise but on the proper days, and now I have this crazy limitation that everything has to be healthy because I now require crazy volumes of food?\u00a0 ARGH!<\/p>\n

To provide reference: yesterday I had a 20g protein 200 calorie breakfast bar, an 8 inch turkey sandwich with cheddar (470 calories), an orange (70 cals) and an asian pear (60 calories) for snacks.\u00a0 I had some\u00a0 almonds when I got home (100 calories) and then worked out, then 6 oz mahi mahi, 3\/4 cup brown rice, and veggies (500).\u00a0 I also had a treat of 2 marshmallows (carmel marshamallows just a little warmed in the microwave) and 2 hershey kisses (100).\u00a0 I found myself table-knawing hungry before lunch, before my snack, and DEFINITELY before dinner.\u00a0 It doesn’t help that Zliten has the opposite reaction to me most days after work and either works out or has a beer or 2 (both which take away his appetite and then we end up eating around 9pm).\u00a0 Lots of good healthy food – right?\u00a0 And this was a particularly good day.<\/p>\n

The problem lies when I have to get out of my comfort zone – say Wednesday when I was saving up calories for cinqo de mayo festivities.\u00a0 I got chicken fajitas w\/ corn tortillas, which would have been pretty lo cal – but I was TOO HUNGRY to leave the beans, rice, and tortilla chips alone.\u00a0 It wasn’t that they were there and I was eating them because of it…I was geniuinely hungry.\u00a0 I knew I should stop eating at about half the beans and rice but I was not yet full.<\/p>\n

I definitely know my appetite has changed because Zliten and I can sit down to a meal, and I’ll finish mine and he’ll stop partway through sometimes.\u00a0 Or we’ll both finish and he will complain how full he feels and I’m just like READY.\u00a0 For example, last night, I polished off a serving of chips, the ENTIRE plate of fajitas, all the rice and beans, and felt satisfied.\u00a0 I could have probably immediately gone out for a brisk walk or slow jog.\u00a0 Zliten ate about 3\/4 of what I did and felt so full he was going to DIE.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

My theory is that long distance running had some semi-permanent change to the way my body processes calories that is JUST NOT GOING AWAY this time.\u00a0 I noticed that I rarely ever feel that 8-10 on the hungry-full scale, my food settles way faster and I’m ready for activity sooner, and I just require MORE MORE MORE.\u00a0 Wonderful if you’re training for a long distance race.\u00a0 Bad if you’re trying to lose weight and stick to a calorie count.<\/p>\n

The saving grace is that even through all these issues, I am actually making snail’s pace progress.\u00a0 Even though I loathed to admit my weight had crept up to 163.0, I’m glad I was honest so I know that I’ve lost just under 3 lbs, even if my weight is STILL in the 160’s most days.\u00a0 Even if it’s a fight to the death with my appetite and body, I can still do this safely and slowly.\u00a0 It’s just taking a LOT longer than I had hoped.<\/p>\n

I’d continue on but I’m too hungry.<\/p>\n

Now please – share with me.\u00a0 How do you cope with the hungries?\u00a0 Do you think this is in my head?\u00a0 Have any suggestions for me?\u00a0 Natural appetite suppressants?\u00a0 Horror stories to share?\u00a0 Please hit me up and tell me I’m not the only one…<\/p>\n

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Deep thoughts by Quix time.\u00a0 This post has been welling for a while.\u00a0 Charlotte started it, and then reminded me about it again.\u00a0 And I’ve been ridici-busy so I have been posting the facts about the new project: maintenance weight, but not much of the feelings. I am, in quite a few areas of my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paUhDu-vN","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1971"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1971"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1971\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1978,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1971\/revisions\/1978"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1971"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1971"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/adjustedreality.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1971"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}