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<\/p>\nOne of my go to questions for interviews (and I’ve been doing a lot lately) is “What motivates you?”\u00a0 For senior level\/management positions, it’s followed by, “How do you motivate others?”<\/p>\n
I’m toying with this a lot in the last week or five in my personal life.\u00a0 This is sort of in the vein of the finite-amount-of-give-a-shit in my life right now.\u00a0 While I realize that – yes, it is healthy to let some things fall off your radar.\u00a0 Yes, it is ok to shift priorities around due to life’s little surprises.\u00a0 It’s even acceptable to slack a little after accomplishing something big.\u00a0 However, I feel like the meter might be swinging a bit too far in the wrong direction lately.\u00a0 Or maybe it’s just me being dillusional.<\/p>\n
What’s causing my grump?\u00a0 Well, it’s lots of things.\u00a0 I think I’m finally feeling the let down of such crappy circumstances around my half and not even being CLOSE to accomplishing a goal I trained for HARD for 3 months.\u00a0 It’s certainly about that time of the month where I can tend to be a little bleh.\u00a0 It’s the few extra hours of work coming in just as it’s starting to get nice enough outside to run just before dusk (when I still gotta be at work), but too cold in the morning.\u00a0 It’s the scale going the wrong way.<\/p>\n
Really though – it’s my inability to make lemonade out of these lemons.\u00a0 I know how to lose 5 lbs.\u00a0 I just can’t bring myself to do it.\u00a0 I COULD have toughed out the run this morning, but I was so excited to have a run in the nice weather it floored me when I saw 40 degrees this morning.<\/p>\n
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I don’t wait until Festivus to air my grievances.\u00a0 Let’s whip them out, shall we?<\/p>\n
-This was supposed to be the year of maintenance.\u00a0 However, I have not been able to get to my maintenance weight of 155 since mid-December.\u00a0 I have wasted 1\/4 of my year trying unsuccessfully to lose weight.<\/p>\n
-My house is a freaking mess and I have no care or desire to do anything about it.\u00a0 The last thing I want to waste the precious few moments I have at home on when I’m already feeling bleh and burnt about responsibility is clean.\u00a0 We keep it picked up enough to keep the critters away but that’s about it.<\/p>\n
-I had this GREAT plan to keep my running going.\u00a0 I didn’t want to lose that awesome base I had built.\u00a0 I was going to keep on with the long runs.\u00a0 Then – boom.\u00a0 Injuries and birthdays and now it’s been a month since I did anything longer than a 10k and I have no desire.\u00a0 At all.<\/p>\n
-I’ll eat well all week, minus something silly like a piece of cake every day, but well within my calorie range, and then have 3000 calorie days on the weekends because I am hungry.\u00a0 And I can’t stop eating.\u00a0 And I don’t care.\u00a0 And I know it’s something broken in me because it’s not craving junk, and I’m not mindlessly eating… I am really and truly hungry and my body wants good food.\u00a0 All signs that it’s not just faking me out to get some baked cheetos.<\/p>\n
-I haven’t been shopping for 3 months.\u00a0 I’m just too bleh about the fact that I’m 5 lbs up to even want to redeem my savers gift certificate from Christmas.\u00a0 TOTALLY SAD!\u00a0 I love to shop.\u00a0 But I just can’t make myself feel like I deserve it right now.\u00a0 I’d like to say it’s motivation to chew through the high 15o’s but it’s again the problem of lack-0f-give-a-shit.<\/p>\n
-My hair is in this in between stage, and I feel schlumpy.\u00a0 I’m debating for the first time in over 10 years letting a professional cut it instead of Zliten to attempt to get some layers (or something different), but I keep thinking that I could totally use the money on something way more important or fun and it’s just HAIR.\u00a0 And I also dread the convo I’m going to have to have… “Ok, so I need something that looks hawt but can go back into a ponytail easily, doesn’t take more than 2 minutes to style in the morning, looks good curly, straight, or wavy, will last through getting drenched during workouts, doesn’t cause me to have to wash my hair more than once every 3-5 days, and doesn’t take expensive product to maintain.\u00a0 Oh, and I’d like a pony as well…”<\/p>\n
I could go on and on but there is a common theme here.\u00a0 I can’t bring myself to care, but I’m depressed (in that wah, I’m a rich little white girl and things aren’t going my way, not clinically) about it.\u00a0 This violates one of my cardinal rules of “put up, or shut up”.\u00a0 Either it’s time to figure out how to fix it, or move it off the radar for a while.\u00a0 There is no use lusting after something I don’t have the oomph to pursue.<\/p>\n
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I simply don’t think I can put everything that’s bothering me off my radar, so I’ll also have to decide how to get myself motivated.\u00a0 Whether to employ the carrot, or the stick.\u00a0 I know that I’m motivated by specific goals that are completely under my control.\u00a0 The question is trying to decide right now if punitive measures are the way to go if I fail, or if rewards are the way to go if I succeed.<\/p>\n
Sure – the answer seems obvious.\u00a0 OF COURSE I should respond better to the idea of getting something awesome for accomplishing my goal rather than being affected in some negative way if I don’t.\u00a0 But, as we’ve established, I tend to be broken.\u00a0 Right now, the lack of give-a-shit is rampant.\u00a0 Even a really cool prize, I could probably convince myself that I didn’t really care about.\u00a0 And things I want – what I really, really want (yes, reference intended) – I end up getting anyway.<\/p>\n
So maybe it’s time to break out the stick.\u00a0 Maybe it’s time to stop coddling myself, telling myself it’s ok, I’m doing ok, it’s ok to fuck up.\u00a0 Maybe it’s time for some good old fashioned hard-assery when I fail.\u00a0 It’s been a while.\u00a0 I have been living in this happy bubble where everything I do is fine and it’s okay if I forget a workout because I don’t feel like it and it’s ok if I eat a shitload of cake because I DO feel like it, and it’s ok if I eat when I feel hungry even though I know I’m eating too much.\u00a0 Maybe it’s not ok to not clean the house and to not get myself out and running for 3 hours like I wanted.\u00a0 I know I’m stronger than I’ve been in the last month.\u00a0 I know I’m more capable.\u00a0 My give-a-shit is broken and I need fixing.<\/p>\n
It’s time to do some soul searching, and I do believe Monthly Experiments will return in April.\u00a0 I will pick something to focus on, set achievable goals, and apply both a carrot (a reward for myself at the end of the month) and a stick (some sort of “pennance” if I stray).\u00a0 I’m not sure what yet, but it’s time.\u00a0 It’s time to kick off the post race funk, work will be settling a bit, the weather should be lovely and prohibitive of outdoor activity, and beyond one planned indulgence for my father’s birthday, there are no crazy pitfalls and minefields to wade through.<\/p>\n
For now, time to eat.\u00a0 Good thing I have some carrot sticks handy. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n