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<\/p>\nSo I’ve been trying to process and psychoanalyze what went down in my head this weekend, because, honestly, turns out I actually placed just outside of the top 20% of women.\u00a0 If there were age group awards, I would have been damned close to in them (5th or 6th or something).\u00a0 I am allowing myself to be upset about how badly I’ve let my arm strength go with the monkey bars, but only in the capacity that I’m doing something to fix it.\u00a0 But I effed that up last year too.\u00a0 I don’t know what possessed me to think I’d do better, but consider that disillusionment that swimming 2x week is enough to keep up arm strength shattered, and that’s a good thing.<\/p>\n
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The underlying problem?\u00a0 Hi, my name is Quix, and I am an adrenaline junkie.<\/p>\n
Sadly, my addiction started at a young age.\u00a0 Gymnastics.\u00a0 Flying through the air. Ice skating.\u00a0 Twirling and jumping on a razor thin blade on a slippery surface.\u00a0 Then diving – gymnastics for bodies falling apart.\u00a0 Then the stage.\u00a0 Not as physical, but definitely a FREAKING RUSH.<\/p>\n
Then, the odd things that are a rush for me, that don’t really make sense.\u00a0 Pushing myself physically, but not in athletics – the 3 day sleepless college study sessions because I was such a procrastinator (or was a procrastinator because I liked the rush).\u00a0 Partying with my friends until 3, napping, waking up at 6, heading to the bar with the graveyard crew, and then doing the school and work thing all over again.\u00a0 Working 100 hour weeks to do something unachievable at work.\u00a0 Getting promoted so fast my business cards couldn’t keep up.<\/p>\n
Then, in 2007, when I decided I had enough of that shit, the adrenaline came from weight loss.\u00a0 Uprooting myself and moving to a different job, state, and life.\u00a0 Then more and more and more weight loss.\u00a0 Once that slowed, I had already tasted the adrenaline of running, and wanted more.\u00a0 While the actual ACT of running\/biking\/swimming doesn’t really compare to the first time I landed a double full, stuck a beam routine at state, my first singing solo on stage, the feeling of a PR or conquering some great barrier is just as sweet.<\/p>\n
It’s all about those little numbers, ain’t it?\u00a0 The score at the end of the routine, the numbers on the treadmill, the subscribers in game, the place in the rankings, the reading on the scale.\u00a0 They can either make you fly, or make you all emo bird.\u00a0 See below.<\/p>\n
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My worry is that I’m having trouble getting my next fix.\u00a0 Tearing away at these 20 lbs is more like clawing my way up a mountain in a blizzard, and while I acknowledge that a few lbs per month is still progress, it’s certainly not something I go around mentally pumping my fist about (and, it’s weight gained back from when I lost it before, hard to get all freakin’ stoked about that).\u00a0 PRs are getting harder to come by as I improve.\u00a0 It’s probably why I keep jumping from distance to distance.\u00a0 The first time you race a distance\/sport – it’s always a PR.\u00a0 Maybe that’s why I’ve jumped from 5k to 10k to halfs to tris – the longer you race a distance, the less likely you are to PR each time.<\/p>\n
Maybe I should just take up skydiving instead.<\/p>\n
EDIT: THIS.\u00a0 This.\u00a0 So this.<\/a> I need to go from a dabbler to a master.<\/p>\n