Stick It<\/a>?\u00a0 Wasn’t too far from the truth.\u00a0 I wasn’t quite Haley but I certainly saw a little bit of myself in her.<\/p>\nWhat did I do?\u00a0 Well, I worked my butt off.\u00a0 I ate better, I worked out more, and though I couldn’t change the fact that I was 5’3″ to their 4’8″ and had a Mary Lou build to their Shannon Miller builds, I lost all the body fat and got super buff.\u00a0\u00a0 I trained twice as hard as the rest of the team and learned how to lose my fear instead of letting it hold me back.\u00a0 I challenged myself to be better every day.\u00a0 I came in 2 hours early and did optional workouts on Saturdays when only the little kids came in and spent Sundays doing push ups and crunches.\u00a0 I never became one of them (I’ll have to grab the picture of my team and scan it – I am heads, shoulders, boobs, and at least 2 years above the rest), but I did earn their respect and admiration.\u00a0 For a while it was, “Heh, Leah is trying what on beam?\u00a0 Hope she doesn’t kill herself…” and then “Oh crap, Leah’s doing the same tricks I am…” and then was “Leah’s challenging me to do the thing I’m afraid of, and she’ll do it too even if she’s totally not ready for it”.\u00a0 For better or for worse, I put so much into it, I burnt myself out and just quit during the off season one year because I was 16 and wanted a life.\u00a0 I definitely learned a lot about not letting fear hold you back, the joy of doing something everyone else thinks is impossible, and that sometimes, seeing it through to the end is not always the best option.\u00a0 My body was already giving out on me at 16, imagine if I would have pushed it through college…<\/p>\n
Then I learned about worthiness in love.\u00a0 After a lot of lack luster love interests that were either flaky, unrequited, or just plain wrong, I met this guy, went head over heels loopy, and we were together on and off for 3 years through high school and the beginning of college.\u00a0 I wont deny that there were a lot of good times, but he also cheated on me when I was faithful as can be, took drugs behind my back after blatantly lying to my face about it, and we argued ALL THE FREAKING TIME.\u00a0 I was not the best person I could have been – I was always nosey, clingy, and trying to stay one step ahead of him to make sure he wasn’t lying to me.\u00a0 I was playing what I thought was the game of love.\u00a0 We’d break up, but since we had a lot of the same friends we’d still hang out, we’d start doing whatever it was we did, and then we’d figure, “fuck it, might as well be together again”.\u00a0 Rinse and repeat.\u00a0 I saw happy couples, I’d have fits of jealous rage, but think that it was something that other people have, and I didn’t deserve anything like that.<\/p>\n
Then, after a particularly nasty argument and some contemplation, I decided that it was over, for reals, and the only way to really do it right was just stay away from him.\u00a0 I didn’t return his calls and hung out with my own friends and met other people and lo and behold, he wasn’t the only guy ever who would be interested in me.\u00a0 Within that few months, I actually ended up (re) meeting Zliten and over 9 years later…here we are.\u00a0 I learned that I was worthy of love, true love, like the movies, like in my wildest dreams.\u00a0 Someone who adores you and wants to be with you every moment and does cute things like buys you flowers for no reason and wears a shirt that sorta matches yours on purpose and that you trust completely.\u00a0 You together are so much more than the sum of your parts, you are like two balloons floating up away together.\u00a0 You just have to find that person, don’t let go, and slowly let your past baggage float into the ether.<\/p>\n
The next thing I tackled was work.\u00a0 I was not only competent enough to climb positions quickly, I was deserving of them.\u00a0 I may not have had the experience, but I had the work ethic to not give up until I was easily doing a job I was previously unqualified to do.\u00a0 For a long time, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of approaching the people who could help me or identify my talents (I have to thank many years of selfish and crappy management for that, but it was also my insecurities).\u00a0 Once I figured out how to break through that, it was like a huge weight lifted off me and I was free to soar.<\/p>\n
Then, the journey I’ve let you in on here on this blog, losing the weight.\u00a0 I had a lot of issues feeling like I deserved to be thin – simply because I had let myself go and wasn’t currently thin.\u00a0 Seems silly now – I mean, one of the basic principles of what I do is if I screw up, I forget it and move forward – one day is literally not enough to cause a blip on the radar.\u00a0 I just didn’t know how to do that.\u00a0 I’d try to eat healthy and exercise for a little while, miss a day at the gym or eat half a pizza, and then just give up because obviously I wasn’t strong enough or dedicated enough or perfect enough to lose the weight.<\/p>\n
Then, I finally subscribed to the “everything in moderation” theory and my life got better.\u00a0 Mess up and eat something I shouldn’t have?\u00a0 Just get back on it the next day.\u00a0 Miss a workout?\u00a0 Make it up or write it off – but resolve to not do that again.\u00a0 Make a bad choice?\u00a0 Strive to make the next one better.\u00a0 The only rule was no guilt.\u00a0 Hell, this morning I ate candy for breakfast instead of oatmeal (stupid coworker bringing in stupid HOMEMADE candy that’s stupid delicious – I passed up the Kripsy Kremes no problem but HOMEMADE candy?\u00a0 Oy vay.).\u00a0 Two years ago, I might have freaked that I am a failure, but now, I just realize I’m eating a healthy lunch, an apple for a snack later, and skipping my oatmeal this morning and it will all work out.<\/p>\n
One thing that took me a long time to realize that there was no reason to limit myself to wanting to look good “for my age and lifestyle” (aka sedentary gamer geek office worker).\u00a0 Once I hit 240, I felt and looked so much better I almost just coasted instead of getting back on the wagon.\u00a0 I figured I wasn’t *as* fat, so that was good enough – and it took me a few months to decide that that was hogwash.\u00a0 I was worthy of so much more.\u00a0 As if the moment I turned 25, I was no longer able to be (or want to be) muscular, athletic, strong, thin, or sexy – that’s some happy horseshit right there.\u00a0 I thought before if I hadn’t gotten it together by now (then) I didn’t deserve to have it.\u00a0 Imagine writing yourself off like that!\u00a0 I’m so glad I changed what was in my head.\u00a0 It took baby steps, but I absolutely believe that I deserve to feel and look as good as I want (depending on the effort put in, of course).<\/p>\n
I still have friends that tell me they think I’m crazy for wanting to lose more weight using the “for a woman of your age” mumbo jumbo.\u00a0 Well, there was an olympic gymnast this year in her 30’s and a swimmer in her 40’s, they looked amazing, and there is no reason I can’t look amazing too.\u00a0 Not just good enough, not just better, but amazing.\u00a0 While I’m not going to be trying for 8% body fat, there is no reason I couldn’t weigh within a few lbs as I did when I was 14 – I was a healthy weight, I wore a size 7, I ate plenty of healthy (and not-so-healthy) food to maintain that weight.\u00a0 I think I can do it again.\u00a0 It’s only about 30 lbs away.\u00a0 I’ve still got plenty of inches to pinch.<\/p>\n
Overall, the best thing I’ve realized is that when it clicks, when I realize I AM worthy, it is so freeing and opens up so many doors in my life, I don’t have those conscious negative thoughts anymore.\u00a0 Of course I’m worthy of anything and everything wonderful in my life and anything that comes my way in the future.\u00a0 Where I run into trouble is that nasty ol’ subconscious.\u00a0 I always wonder if I don’t want to do something, or I really just don’t feel deserving of it.\u00a0 Am I lazy, or just fearful?\u00a0 These are things that plague me and keep me indescisive, I think sometimes it’s not that I don’t know what I want, but I’m fearful or feel like I don’t deserve what I want.<\/p>\n
With New Years Resolution time coming up, definitely some food for thought.<\/p>\n
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