So Wednesday I hopped on the scale and saw 165.0 staring back at me. This is exactly 100 lbs from where I was January 1, 2007, when I decided to take a stand against my own flubber. Well, technically that’s an educated guess being that I weighed 262 at the doctors a few months before, and I definitely didn’t lose any weight – probably gained at least a few half lb hamburgers since I had JUST gotten back from vacation. The first time I weight myself halfway through the month (since I didn’t previously have a scale) I was in the high 250s, so it has to be about right. Anyways, I’ve always said my start weight was 265, and so shall it be.
Things are a lot different now than they were back then, in a lot of ways I couldn’t have even imagined. I never thought I’d be an exercise nut, but I’ve been working out regularly for over a year now and get angry when someone tries to muss with my exercise time. Them’s fightin’ words, pardner. I never thought I’d prefer veggies to french fries or fruit to chocolate some days (key word – some days). Actually, I never thought I’d make it this far. Historically, I would lose some weight (20-30 lbs), feel great, go back to the way I was (no exercise, too much food) and gain it back and more. I ALMOST did that, except something in me kicked in once we moved to Austin, and I realized it was time to do this fo reals, yo.
There are also things that didn’t happen. I didn’t become this super confident, super powerful dominating woman ready to throw open closed office doors, and use a machete to cut through red tape. I was actually probably more empowered to do that before even if I was out of breath after walking down the hall to that office. I didn’t become truly happy and all is not right with the world. Yes, my reflection brings me joy. But it doesn’t make me complete and whole as a person, it’s just one less thing on my “how the hell am I ever going to get around to doing this” list. I’m also in the best shape I’ve been in my adult life, but I still have the batwings under my arms, and the potbelly I don’t remember having even 10-20 lbs heavier when I was younger.
When I started this endeavour, I had 170 lbs in mind as the holy grail, because that’s what I weighed when I was 20, had just become newly single after 3 years of crazy, and felt sexy, confident, and attractive. Well, I’m there now, and remembering the summer between my junior and senior year of high school when I was probably about a buck fifty, give or take, and felt uber confident about my body and still have some kick ass clothing from my days working at Hot Topic (it was a great high school job, and I remember when we were the 13th out of 20 some stores that existed) I wouldn’t mind breaking out (namely this gorgeous sundress, but there are a few other things). Then again, there was also my gymnastics period where I probably ranged from 115-125 where I was a muscular goddess. I definitely didn’t feel like the picture of beauty or confidence then (since I was a good head taller and probably 20-40 lbs heavier than my teammates) unless I was out on the floor or on a stage, but day-um I had some muscles. Note to self, must scan some pictures from those days from the photo-shoebox of doom.
Though I could be happy here, I’ve decided to press on. Even a month and a half of plateau didn’t stop me from trying and now that I’m going again, I’ll press on. Here are twenty of the reasons why, in numerical list form, in no particular order of importance.
1. Running will be so much easier the lower my weight goes (in a healthy range, of course). I’m pretty sure if I had less to lug around, I could smash my 7:50 time with ease.
2. I’d like to put together an outfit without worrying about if my belly fat is hanging out.
3. I’d like to be able to wear every last thing in my closet, or have given it away because it’s too big.
4. I’d like to know what walking into the room and being the h-a-w-t est girl felt like, because I’ve always felt completely inferior to at least *someone* in my social circle. I don’t know how to explain this one in a way that makes me sound less vain or petty – I’d just like to be at the point where I’m so comfortable with myself, I don’t wish I looked like *insert person here*.
5. I want to wear a bikini of some sort without feeling self conscious.
6. I’d like to have a normal BMI. Not because I feel I am overweight now being just 15 lbs over the recommended range (I’m pretty sure I carry a LOT more muscle than the average gal), but I might as well give myself the best chance to live long and healthy I can. Maybe it will counteract some of the drinking and smoking .
7. Zliten and I want to take a dance class and hopefully someday get good at partner dancing. It would be super cool if I was light enough for him to pick up and do some fancy moves.
8. I still have great boobs even at 125 when the fat goes away elsewhere. I resented them during gymnastics, but I could really rock them now.
9. It would be fun to do some of those simple gymnastic moves again. Like, I dunno, bust out a handstand piroutte or aerial at parties to freak people out.
10. If (and that’s a big if) I do have kids someday, I refuse to be the chunky, matronly mom in the mom pants and mom haircut driving the minivan. If I had a daughter, I’d want her to want to raid my closet when she got older, and not just on ironic theme day at school. Also, in non-selfish-land, I’d want to motivate them to be active and balance gaming time with sports and crap and see eating healthy as a good thing and cookies as a food you don’t eat everyday.
11. If Dana Torres and Oksana Chusovitina can keep themselves going as ancients in sports where their teammates are half their age – it’s not too late for me to get in the shape of my life and go out for something. Whether it’s running, dancing, whatever – nothing keeps me going like the promise of competing at it.
12. I really want to amaze people at my wedding next year, a lot of whom haven’t seen me since my heaviest. Not that they wouldn’t be shocked now, but it would be fun to see the reactions if I showed up in better shape than they’ve seen me since I was a kid.
13. Along with that, I want to look back at wedding photos and not think “damn, I look fat there”. I refused to be a fat bride or I’d be Mrs. Zliten McGnome by now. I mean, if I’m going to pay for professional photos and for something I’m going to want to keep forever, I don’t want any negative thoughts connected with them.
14. I’m just not done losing yet. I like the thrill and the drama of stepping on the scale, hopeful it says something lower than it did yesterday. It causes me great agony sometimes, but also great joy. I need to definitely start measuring and/or calculating body fat % so I have something to play with to when I do decide I am ready to maintain.
15. I would like to feel justified in splurging on some items of clothing (a really nice jacket, a pair of jeans that fits me incredibly well, etc) and not feel like it might be a waste because it will only fit me until I really get in the shape I want to be for the rest of my life.
16. I love how I get more and more energy and feel more and more like I can do *anything*. I can only imagine that gets better as you get slimmer (to a point, of course).
17. Never having to lie on drivers licenses or other forms you have to fill out that include your weight, and never having to hear a doctor tell me I should lose weight when I get off the scale.
18. Being able to walk to my bedroom, and look at pictures on the wall in hallway, and not think “geez, I looked so good then, I wish I looked that good now”.
19. Frankly, for the first time in my adult and teenage life, I’d like to be at a point where I don’t get up in the morning and wish I weighed less. I fully believe I’ll be on a quest to improve my fitness and tone muscles and get stronger and better the rest of my life (or I hope), but it would be nice to not have to think about losing weight.
20. Because it is my own body, and I have the goddamn right to mold it into the healthy, strong, powerful, and super capable form it deserves to be in. It’s been good to me even when I haven’t been so good to it, so I want to treat it well for sticking with me, and lightening it’s load in a healthy way to a healthy point can’t be a bad way to start.
A lot of these things are vanity related. I was a little disappointed with myself until I realized – hey, I’ve done the “lose weight for my health” portion already. I am a fairly healthy weight, in better shape than a lot of people, and generally comfortable in my skin. This is totally and completely vanity weight. If I wasn’t such an overachiever at everything, I could probably be reasonably happy here. But why not give it a good ol’ try to see if I like me skinnier? History shows that gaining weight isn’t very hard for me, so if I look too gaunt at 125, I can glance at a cupcake or two and presto! Job done.
All I know is I’m going to keep trying, and I hope I have the wisdom and common sense to stop at the right number, whatever that might be and whenever it happens.