I’m anticipating this to be a helluva day before I leave work, so I wanted to wish all 2 of you who read my blog a spooky holiday from me and Zliten, who for today will be refered to as wraith queen and Todd.
Serious props to you if you get it. I work at a gaming company and I’ve had ONE person recognize the costume. I do actually have a real post planned, but it might just have to wait until later…
I am in love with cruises. You see, to me, it is the PERFECT vacation. You travel to the harbor, you get on the boat, and then you are automatically transported to vacationland where you have ZERO responsibility until the you leave the boat. The most pressing decision is whether to hit the dining room or the buffet. The pina colada or the margarita? The pool bar or the piano bar? No one has to drive, no directions to navigate, no worrying about what you’re going to do that day – it’s all there, on a little floating city for you. All pictures are from our last cruise on Celebrity to the Pacific side of Mexico.
The only forseeable problem this time is last time I was on a cruise, I was about 100 lbs heavier, and wasn’t really concerned if I was getting off the boat at 105 lbs heavier. I brought my elasticy pants for a reason thankyouverymuch. However this time, I have a goal – to eat like a normal person in the real world, and I’d prefer if I came back without an extra 5 lb dumpling attached to my stomach.
For those of you who have never been on a cruise, you cannot understand the way these boats fatten you up. You’ve already paid ahead of time for all food (minus some of the fancy schmancy extras they offer, but ignoring that), so there’s no cost factor. It might sound insane, but you have so many opportunities to eat. You can wake up with coffee, danishes, toast, and other continental type breakfast foods delivered to your door. You can then hit the breakfast buffet for a midmorning feast of every type of breakfast food you want. Lunch, you can hit the dining room and get a specially prepared meal, and later, hit the lunch buffet to see if there’s anything good you missed. While you’re at the pool, you can order a drink and partake of the hamburgers, hotdogs, and french fries on deck. Feeling a little tired from all that eating? Just grab some afternoon ice cream to perk you up. Hungry still? Look it’s dinner time, and there’s a 4 course meal just waiting to be served to you, and the buffet is waiting just in case you have a hollow leg. After that, go grab some drinks at the bar, and there will be late night appetizers passed around. Now, it’s midnight, and time for the late night buffet, a different theme each night. Three am and you feel a rumbling in your gut? It must be your HUNGER (that’s right). Go grab a plate and hit the all night pizza, pasta, and salad kitchen before waddling down the hall to your cabin.
See, eating like a normal person in the real world on a cruise is actually a very lofty goal.
I’m hoping that having been on this healthy lifestyle kick, I’ll be less likely to eat like I haven’t had food for days at every opportunity. I’m envisioning this for our first “At Sea” day…
I wake up around 9 am (or whenever I wake up without an alarm clock), and change into my workout clothes. After hitting the buffet for a piece of fruit and a slice of toast, I go for a nice, relaxing, long run on the sun deck of the ship. Seriously, one of the things I am most looking forward to is running with a view of nothing but the ocean. Is that sad? Then, I head down to the pool to cool off and then to the hot tub to relax my muscles. After a nice morning soaking up the sun (with sunblock, of course), we head to the lunch fare and grab a plate of good, healthy, yummy food and either find some fun activities to do, or back to the poolside. Then, get all dolled up in my high school prom dress and heels (please let it fit, I was soooo close the last time I tried it on) and go to dinner and order what sounds good, but mindfully eat and not finish my plate unless it’s worth it or I’m genuinely still hungry. Then, head down to the show, sip some wine at the bar and maybe dance a bit, and drift off to bed.
Last year, I dragged my ass outta bed probably closer 10:30, which at the time was way earlier than I’d normally wake up on a weekend. If I could be bothered, I did a workout (walking at like 3.0 for 20-30 mins or maybe the eliptical) but I think most days I just went to the breakfast buffet and scarfed everything in sight. Then, I got sunburnt by the pool because I was a dumbass and forgot my sunscreen, and just felt all around tubby in my fat girl bathing suit. Then, since breakfast wasn’t filling enough, I shoved plates and plates of food down my throat. Then either a nap in the cabin and games with the parents, which invariably had breaks for french fries and ice cream, or drinking at the pool bar. Then dinner, then drinking, then munchies later, and some nights even room service because, well, we could and it was free.
I’m sure it will be something in between the two. I doubt there will not be at least one day period we have a few drinks poolside or on shore instead of waiting until after dinner. I’ll have to have one day where I grab something not-so-healthy for breakfast. I might not be able to stay away from every midnight buffet. But the biggest thing I want to do is eat mindfully, and if I’m full, stop eating (duh). I think I’ve been able to train myself away from the “I see food so it must be time to eat” mentality, but this is definitely a test.
Even though I’m a little freaked out about the eating part, I am so excited to get a vacation. People at work have actually gotten called back from theirs lately – and it’s not possible for me, since I will be incommunicado for the entire time (well, technically, they can dial the ship and have me paged for 9 bucks a minute, but whatever, I’m not telling them that). I haven’t had a vacation that’s just me and the gnome for at least 5 years, it’s always been with people tagging along, or visiting friends or family or tradeshows or events… not this time. It’s just quality us time doing whatever the hell we feel like. I also haven’t had a vacation or left Austin since we moved here, and I’ve definitely been feeling the need lately.
All I know is it’s not getting here soon enough. Ten more workdays until I’m free from the evil clutches of the gaming salt mines (yeah, yeah, I know, I just like to be overly dramatic) and heading away from shore. I wish it was tomorrow, and not 2 weeks away. Argh!
So I mentioned I’ve been yelping, and I’ve been keeping up with it (in a way I haven’t been keeping up with this blog the last week, bad Quix). I’ve been trying to review everywhere I go (mostly where we go to lunch, but I did the gym and the thrift store too). I think it’s a great site, and realized I used it a lot without contributing, so if I go somewhere I haven’t reviewed before, I review it. If you’ve all but run out of the internets, it’s a great place to look around and see if you can find somewhere new to try the next time you go out. If you end up going there a lot, contribute and keep the happy fun circle of yelp awesomeness going.
It’s interesting also to use it as a snapshot of my eating habits lately. In the last week or so I’ve reviewed Mann’s BBQ (lunch today), Sirloin Stockade (Sunday dinner), I owe Thundercloud Subs a review from Sunday lunch, Fresh Choice (Thursd
ay lunch), El Mercado (Wednesday lunch), Jimmy John’s Sandwiches (Tuesday lunch), Saltgrass Steakhouse (Sunday lunch), and Austin Diner (Saturday brunch). Only thing missing was Monday’s and Friday’s lunches, which I already reviewed (pho and I don’t remember Monday…). On first glance, not exactly the picture of health, huh?
It should be said that generally everything we cook at home is healthy and portioned properly. These lovely chicken wings? Never at home, only out at Pluckers, and very very rarely. Our staples are grilled chicken, Quix-mashed potatoes (pretty much potato, a dash of lite ranch, and a pinch of blue cheese, dried onions and garlic and spices), and heaps of veggies, or lemon pepper mahi mahi, brown rice, and veggies, shrimp stir fry, or the like. I always stock veggie burgers and wheat buns, and keep stuff around to whip up a gigantic salad at a moments notice. There is junk food around, but it usually ends up going bad or getting freezer burnt, honestly. I am that bitch that has had a can of frosting and cupcake fixins for 10 months and they’re still in the pantry, and that still has Halloween candy fro
m last year in the freezer. I am also that bitch that lets everyone else order the junk food, and then eats a little bit off their plate (evidenced here). I used to say because it doesn’t have calories on someone else’s plate, but now I realize – a taste is usually enough, and it’s hard to get more than a taste when I have Zliten slapping at my hands. See his look of disapproval there?
Yet at most places, I know how to work the menu to get something filling, yummy, and totally within my calorie range for the day. Mann’s today, we split a plate and both left full. Sandwich places – I just leave off the mayo, leave off oil, pick off SOME of the cheese (I need my calcium, kthx), and stay with cold cuts or chicken, and away from meatballs or anything with the word “salad” in it unless it was proceeded by “side” (no tuna or chicken salads full of mayo and goop). Salad bar – well, just pile your plate with anything veggie and go sparingly on the rest. Austin Diner – I just went with a small portion and chose to indulge in fried potatoes, cheese, bacon, and tortilla yumminess. Steak places are harder, but I usually just compensate by nibbling on mostly veggies and fruit the rest of the day. Sirloin Stockade was sort of a fail, but I know what to get and what to skip next time.
So, what’s my point? I guess it’s that you CAN actually lose weight eating out most of the time, or if you’re happy where you’re at, you can at least change your daily diet to be more healthful and less like a college student. I would be miserable if I had to avoid eating out, so I had to learn how to deal quickly after a month of going home or bringing my lunch every day and finding excuses to stay away from the every weekend parties/bbqs/picnics/group dinners out. The biggest thing to remember is that not every restaurant meal is a special occasion. Eat like you would at home, don’t be afraid to throw away food (or take it home, if you’re into leftovers, but I’m really not), and you won’t be stuck at home making chicken, brown rice, and veggies again for the 5th time this week while your friends who invited you out for mexican are having a great time. When your friends contribute to awesome spreads like this one all the time (homemade bread, salad, my awesome mashed potatoes, coleslaw, bbq’d brisket, sausage, and chicken), you just can’t do that shit without crying in your Lean Cuisine, and that’s no way to live.
If you’re staying home due to financial reasons, fine, that’s another story. If you’re in the first month of transitioning from counting the pickles and onions on your bacon double cheese burger as veggies to healthier fare, you probably want to avoid the outside world as much as you can (and with your mood, it will probably avoid you back). However, one of the most freeing things was when I realized I could eat at restaurants and attend parties and still lose weight. It takes practice, but it’s totally worth it.
1. Today the cold front moved in and it was in the low 50′s this morning and only got up to the low 70′s today (yes I know that’s some people’s summer temperatures, but…bugger off, I like my hot weather). I dunno about everyone else, but I just don’t like it. Sure, I got to wear a sweater (which was too small last year and almost too big now) and my new spiffy loafers (now with pennies), but winter approaching makes me sad. It’s dark when I get home from the gym now, hell, soon it will be dark when I get home from work. The fun nights of sitting out on the patio are slowly fading into memory…*tear*.
2. Speaking of cold…I used to sweat at the THOUGHT of getting up and walking around and wear skirts and sandals into almost the dead of San Diego winter. Today, at about 70 degrees, I was chilly in shoes, jeans, a sweater, and an undershirt. Either Austin summers have spoiled me, or I just don’t have enough “forever sweater” anymore (thanks Pang).
3. I’ve been playing the game I’m working on a lot this week, and having a blast! I’m now in the second of four worlds and things are getting tougher. Two monsters on one player is so not fair! My outfit is terribly mismatched though – as you can see. It’s really good for me to take time to play during stressful weeks so I can remember what it is I’m stressing over, and it’s all worth it. Or at least, I’m having a little fun in between the crazy.
4. I’ve been a little moody this week, and today I decided that I was going to make the executive decision on the one thing I could – my mood. I told everyone this morning I was anti-grump and was going to be cheerful today, and amazingly enough, everyone around me has been in a better mood today. It’s always good to remember the one thing you really CAN control, if no
t anything else, is your mood and your outlook on things.
5. More about Project Tile when it’s done, but Zliten did an absolutely awesome job – except the step where he forgot to sponge the grout off the top of the tiles so there is now a chalky, hardened mess. He is currently at Lowe’s for the 10th time this week trying to figure out a way besides vinegar and water and elbow grease and days of work. Poor guy!
So here is a funny video – I can’t get the damn song out of my head so I will pass it on to everyone else out there!
Until tomorrow, when I either spout off about eating habits, or showing off my Zliten’s home improvement handiwork. Or I may just run off to Mexico instead, if I do, don’t wait up.
I’m not entirely sure if this is the laziest or the most genius one we’ve made, but that is for you all decide. Enjoy, and have a great weekend! Posting may be sparse earlier in the week because I am on voice recording duty. It’s one of the more fun parts of the job, but also means less time at my desk. Miss me terribly, and I’ll be back to ramble more by Wednesday, fo sho.
So Wednesday I hopped on the scale and saw 165.0 staring back at me. This is exactly 100 lbs from where I was January 1, 2007, when I decided to take a stand against my own flubber. Well, technically that’s an educated guess being that I weighed 262 at the doctors a few months before, and I definitely didn’t lose any weight – probably gained at least a few half lb hamburgers since I had JUST gotten back from vacation. The first time I weight myself halfway through the month (since I didn’t previously have a scale) I was in the high 250s, so it has to be about right. Anyways, I’ve always said my start weight was 265, and so shall it be.
Things are a lot different now than they were back then, in a lot of ways I couldn’t have even imagined. I never thought I’d be an exercise nut, but I’ve been working out regularly for over a year now and get angry when someone tries to muss with my exercise time. Them’s fightin’ words, pardner. I never thought I’d prefer veggies to french fries or fruit to chocolate some days (key word – some days). Actually, I never thought I’d make it this far. Historically, I would lose some weight (20-30 lbs), feel great, go back to the way I was (no exercise, too much food) and gain it back and more. I ALMOST did that, except something in me kicked in once we moved to Austin, and I realized it was time to do this fo reals, yo.
There are also things that didn’t happen. I didn’t become this super confident, super powerful dominating woman ready to throw open closed office doors, and use a machete to cut through red tape. I was actually probably more empowered to do that before even if I was out of breath after walking down the hall to that office. I didn’t become truly happy and all is not right with the world. Yes, my reflection brings me joy. But it doesn’t make me complete and whole as a person, it’s just one less thing on my “how the hell am I ever going to get around to doing this” list. I’m also in the best shape I’ve been in my adult life, but I still have the batwings under my arms, and the potbelly I don’t remember having even 10-20 lbs heavier when I was younger.
When I started this endeavour, I had 170 lbs in mind as the holy grail, because that’s what I weighed when I was 20, had just become newly single after 3 years of crazy, and felt sexy, confident, and attractive. Well, I’m there now, and remembering the summer between my junior and senior year of high school when I was probably about a buck fifty, give or take, and felt uber confident about my body and still have some kick ass clothing from my days working at Hot Topic (it was a great high school job, and I remember when we were the 13th out of 20 some stores that existed) I wouldn’t mind breaking out (namely this gorgeous sundress, but there are a few other things). Then again, there was also my gymnastics period where I probably ranged from 115-125 where I was a muscular goddess. I definitely didn’t feel like the picture of beauty or confidence then (since I was a good head taller and probably 20-40 lbs heavier than my teammates) unless I was out on the floor or on a stage, but day-um I had some muscles. Note to self, must scan some pictures from those days from the photo-shoebox of doom.
Though I could be happy here, I’ve decided to press on. Even a month and a half of plateau didn’t stop me from trying and now that I’m going again, I’ll press on. Here are twenty of the reasons why, in numerical list form, in no particular order of importance.
1. Running will be so much easier the lower my weight goes (in a healthy range, of course). I’m pretty sure if I had less to lug around, I could smash my 7:50 time with ease.
2. I’d like to put together an outfit without worrying about if my belly fat is hanging out.
3. I’d like to be able to wear every last thing in my closet, or have given it away because it’s too big.
4. I’d like to know what walking into the room and being the h-a-w-t est girl felt like, because I’ve always felt completely inferior to at least *someone* in my social circle. I don’t know how to explain this one in a way that makes me sound less vain or petty – I’d just like to be at the point where I’m so comfortable with myself, I don’t wish I looked like *insert person here*.
5. I want to wear a bikini of some sort without feeling self conscious.
6. I’d like to have a normal BMI. Not because I feel I am overweight now being just 15 lbs over the recommended range (I’m pretty sure I carry a LOT more muscle than the average gal), but I might as well give myself the best chance to live long and healthy I can. Maybe it will counteract some of the drinking and smoking 
.
7. Zliten and I want to take a dance class and hopefully someday get good at partner dancing. It would be super cool if I was light enough for him to pick up and do some fancy moves.
8. I still have great boobs even at 125 when the fat goes away elsewhere. I resented them during gymnastics, but I could really rock them now.
9. It would be fun to do some of those simple gymnastic moves again. Like, I dunno, bust out a handstand piroutte or aerial at parties to freak people out.
10. If (and that’s a big if) I do have kids someday, I refuse to be the chunky, matronly mom in the mom pants and mom haircut driving the minivan. If I had a daughter, I’d want her to want to raid my closet when she got older, and not just on ironic theme day at school. Also, in non-selfish-land, I’d want to motivate them to be active and balance gaming time with sports and crap and see eating healthy as a good thing and cookies as a food you don’t eat everyday.
11. If Dana Torres and Oksana Chusovitina can keep themselves going as ancients in sports where their teammates are half their age – it’s not too late for me to get in the shape of my life and go out for something. Whether it’s running, dancing, whatever – nothing keeps me going like the promise of competing at it.
12. I really want to amaze people at my wedding next year, a lot of whom haven’t seen me since my heaviest. Not that they wouldn’t be shocked now, but it would be fun to see the reactions if I showed up in better shape than they’ve seen me since I was a kid.
13. Along with that, I want to look back at wedding photos and not think “damn, I look fat there”. I refused to be a fat bride or I’d be Mrs. Zliten McGnome by now. I mean, if I’m going to pay for professional photos and for something I’m going to want to keep forever, I don’t want any negative thoughts connected with them.
14. I’m just not done losing yet. I like the thrill and the drama of stepping on the scale, hopeful it says something lower than it did yesterday. It causes me great agony sometimes, but also great joy. I need to definitely start measuring and/or calculating body fat % so I have something to play with to when I do decide I am ready to maintain.
15. I would like to feel justified in splurging on some items of clothing (a really nice jacket, a pair of jeans that fits me incredibly well, etc) and not feel like it might be a waste because it will only fit me until I really get in the shape I want to be for the rest of my life.
16. I love how I get more and more energy and feel more and more like I can do *anything*. I can only imagine that gets better as you get slimmer (to a point, of course).
17. Never having to lie on drivers licenses or other forms you have to fill out that include your weight, and never having to hear a doctor tell me I should lose weight when I get off the scale.
18. Being able to walk to my bedroom, and look at pictures on the wall in hallway, and not think “geez, I looked so good then, I wish I looked that good now”.
19. Frankly, for the first time in my adult and teenage life, I’d like to be at a point where I don’t get up in the morning and wish I weighed less. I fully believe I’ll be on a quest to improve my fitness and tone muscles and get stronger and better the rest of my life (or I hope), but it would be nice to not have to think about losing weight.
20. Because it is my own body, and I have the goddamn right to mold it into the healthy, strong, powerful, and super capable form it deserves to be in. It’s been good to me even when I haven’t been so good to it, so I want to treat it well for sticking with me, and lightening it’s load in a healthy way to a healthy point can’t be a bad way to start.
A lot of these things are vanity related. I was a little disappointed with myself until I realized – hey, I’ve done the “lose weight for my health” portion already. I am a fairly healthy weight, in better shape than a lot of people, and generally comfortable in my skin. This is totally and completely vanity weight. If I wasn’t such an overachiever at everything, I could probably be reasonably happy here. But why not give it a good ol’ try to see if I like me skinnier? History shows that gaining weight isn’t very hard for me, so if I look too gaunt at 125, I can glance at a cupcake or two and presto! Job done.
All I know is I’m going to keep trying, and I hope I have the wisdom and common sense to stop at the right number, whatever that might be and whenever it happens.
1. I think *crosses fingers and knocks on wood* that I have kicked my plateau. I’ve been between 165-166 for the last few days. I’ll wait for a 164 to really rejoice, but though it’s inching down, down is what counts. Slow and steady win
s the race. I guess it’s also worth mentioning that I weighed 165.0 today, which is 100 lbs exactly from my highest weight (or my estimate of my highest weight, because the scale and I were not best buds back then). I have removed a 5’0″ tall woman at an average weight from myself. Have to say it feels pretty awesome.
2. I’ve been gaming a bit. Besides my non-game gamey fixes like Ikariam and Tiny Adventures, Zliten and I played around with the Little Big Planet demo, and we’re hooked and can’t wait to actually get it. We also played through the Wii version of Strongbad’s Cool Game For Attractive People. Yay adventure games. If you are asking yourself who Strongbad is, go here now. Specifically here if you don’t want to search the whole site. Do not dilly dally. Use the scroll and the buttons, the buttons, the buttons.
3. I have been yelping more! Yelp is a lovely review site, and quite helpful. Anytime I’m looking for a new restaurant or bar to try – it’s my go to site. If I’m looking for a mechanic, plumber, tailor, etc – I can at least give it a look to see if someone in my area has had a stellar (or poor) review. I’ve forgotten to co
ntribute over the last few months (or more) and I’m trying to review all the places I’ve been lately.
4. We figured out our Halloween costumes! We’re going to be Wraith from Stargate Atlantis (me a queen, Zliten is going to be Todd). We’re not going all out and making the costumes ourselves, but trying to get as realistic as we can. The awesome thing that I was able to do was go into a costume store, and purchase a 
costume off the rack (and a S/M to boot). I’ve never had both the money and the slim-ness to do that before. Yay! Here is the first go at the makeup – it’s way too green and a little messy, and covering the eyebrows with liquid latex didn’t work so well, but we learned a lot doing it and will do much better next time. And yes, I know, I need to work on my scowl. Zliten does it much better.
5. This weekend is the eye of the storm. No plans whatsoever. I can’t go shopping since I haven’t hit 160 (strangely, after I decided this, I started losing again… THERE MAY BE A CONNECTION HERE…), no downtown outings, have plenty of food to stay in, no parties to attend, no plans with the parents, not even dinner plans with anyone. Trying to decide what we want to do. Ice Skating? Movies? Rock Climbing? Being 100% shut ins all weekend? Only time will tell…
So we’re all told to stretch after cardio (just not before warming up), but not really how to do it. Here is a stretching program I perfected over the last month which seems to have worked – I’ve been feeling a lot less like my muscles are about to snap like a taught wire, and though not quite like the dancer/gymnast I used to be, but a lot closer. Keep in mind that you WILL get odd looks doing this on the treadmill (some people have never heard of efficiency before-why would I walk ALL THE WAY to the mats to stretch when I have a perfectly good space right there) but it can be done also on the mats or in the privacy of your own home if you are a bit more reserved than I.
All stretches held to a slow count of 10, and repeat the cycle twice.
1. Ballet Barre stretches. Essentially like this but remove step 3 unless you want to be a ballerina when you grow up. Put your foot on the railing of the treadmill (or any other waist high object), and fold your chest over. Aim to touch your toes and bring your chest to your knee. Stretches those super tight hamstrings.
2. Standing Quad Stretch. In case you were wondering, this stretches the quads. Nuff said.
3. Forward Fold. I like to also call this one “show your ass to the guy on the treadmill behind you”. Your hamstrings might scream, but they’re just screaming “I love you for stretching me out”.
4. Right Leg Lunge. Just like this, baby. Your head will be under the display part of the treadmill. Stretches the hips and adductors.
5. Right Leg V. Try to kiss your knee and feel the hamstring burn. I couldn’t find a good picture of this so basically put one foot in front of the other, both in line, center your chest over your leg and aim for your chest to touch your knee. Sorta like this but instead of both hands on one side, one on each. And no raising one to the ceiling, just don’t do it! The triangle is a lovely stretch but save it for a yoga day.
6. Right Side Lunge. Feel froggy and loose in your hips and adductors. Try to touch your crotch to the treadmill, which is probably the only time EVER you should consider doing that.
7. Standing Straddle. I also like to call this one “show your ass to the guy on the treadmill next to you”. I actually skip this one if there is actually someone on the ‘mill next to me. That is much too much butt-in-face for even me to do. More hamstring and adductor love.
8. Now do the other side – you don’t want to be lopsided, do you? Do a left side lunge, left leg V, then left leg lunge. I often repeat 4-8 if I’m feeling particularly tight.
9. Curb Stretch. Don’t forget the calves! Do this, but use the back of the treadmill instead of a curb. You can also bend over and grab the railing and really lean into it.
And…you’re stretched, you didn’t even have to go anywhere (because I know once I leave the treadmill it’s like I forget how tight I am and just want to get on with my day), and fellow gym goers think you’ve lost your mind. Misson accomplished!
So I’ve spent some time researching plateaus over the last few days. I have to share with you some of the most interesting and odd tidbits so let’s bring on the internet hodgepodge of factoids!
This site pretty much tells me that I should never have gotten on a plateau in the first place and my body is a freak of nature. They advise to keep a food diary (I track my food religiously here and have for over a year), break up your meals (I eat breakfast in three segments from 9 to 11:30, lunch at 12:30, a snack in the afternoon, fruit before my workout, dinner right after, and then usually a light late snack), eat more (been on that for the last few weeks), get support (check), shake up my workout (they advise once a month, which is spot on with what I do), weight train (check – increased it but was definitely doing between 1 hour – 2 hours before per week), drink plenty of water (8 glasses or more a day without fail).
The only things they suggest three things I haven’t done: cut out alcohol (you can have my whiskey and diet coke when you pry it from my cold dead hands), cut out all refined carbs (again, you can have my bread and potatoes when you pry them from my cold dead hands… they even mention salad dressing and ketchup), and moving more outside the gym. Honey, I work my ASS off in the gym for the hour I have, I don’t fuck around and chit chat and day dream while I’m doing my squats, I rest only as long as it takes to get my heart rate low enough that I will not faint dead away during my reps. That’s why I could never have a workout buddy (one of their suggestions). Workout time is NOT social time. It’s business time, and I love it that way. I would resent someone that couldn’t keep up. Back to the point though – I feel like my workouts earn me a little couch time. I mean, it’s great if you go up and down the stairs instead of elevators and try to get up and talk to people instead of emailing (which I do) at work and you take a 10 minute walk on your lunch break (which I don’t). If that’s your main form of exercise, I am not belittling you, I just need balls-to-the-wall sweat sessions or I get cranky. And I think those allow me to not have to get up and march in place during commercials or wear a pedometer and walk circles around my house to amass 8 or 10 or 100k steps per day.
Anyways, so besides asking me to give up two of my main food groups (seriously, do these people know what it’s like to be 29, have a full social calendar with friends that are a bunch of lushes, and not home cook every meal? srsly…) and start a nightly parade around my living room 12 times, I’ve got it all down.
The site also recommends Free Trainers (though sadly they don’t actually link there – bad), so I hopped over and decided to check it out. They suggest that I eat 2238 calories (168 g protien, 336 g carbs, 27 g fat – how is that even possible to consume that much fat free protien?) with a slow metabolism and being sedentary to lose weight. That’s about 1k more than I was consuming on a normal lo cal day a month ago. So what to do after I resign myself to a daily diet of pretty much beans and lentils to get that much protien on that little fat? I need to do my advanced workout 5 days per week of doing 5 minutes on the treadmill to warm up, stretch, and then do 3-4 different weight lifting exercises per day. Gee, I thought I was cutting down with MY workout program, I could be in and out of the gym in less than 30 with that plan.
So instead of deciding to undertake a fitness plan which can only end in extreme flatulence, on with the googling I go. This next site only has 5 tips, so at least I can dismiss them quickly. Cycle calories is the first tip, which I do naturally (I mean seriously, who can eat exactly 1500 calories per day), but not with any schedule. I’ll eat 1500 one day then 1800 if I’m going out for a steak dinner, and then 1200 on a day I’m just not super hungry so it averages out over a week. I just can’t schedule it day by day. Then again, strength training and changing up your exercise routine and eat more often – gee why didn’t I think of that? The only new advice was to change your macronutrient ratio, which I have been doing with pushing fruits and veggies and adding nuts to my diet. So, besides a nice ancedote at the bottom about chilling out if you’re having trouble, not helpful at all. Next!
This looks like more of a body builder site but still seems applicable. Sadly, it looks like they’re saying the same things in a different combination. Tighten up your diet (which can’t help but remind me of tightening up the graphics) once again advises cutting out processed foods and cutting carbs. Then there’s calorie cycling again, eating more often, varying your workout, journal your progress, and don’t overtrain – but go ahead and try working out twice a day for a few weeks or doing 6-7 days of cardio, and while you’re at it why don’t you work on upping the intensity. Clear as mud, right?
On and on. This site gives me advice I’d like to believe works – forget about your diet one day per weekend or take time off. However, I think that’s what got me into this mess. Wiki how looks great until the “Tips” section. Doing my resistance training (aka full body strength session) before intervals would only end in tears. I’m so worked over after 20 mins I need an extra long cool down and I start with something easy to give myself time to recover. Doing that last? No thanks. Doing more than 5 days of cardio a week? Sure, I might take a walk or swim or do something passively active on a day off but I need my 2 days off – just like I need them off work to recharge. Take one away and I break down after a while.
According to this site, it’s simple. I’m either eating too much or not enough. If I’m eating at least 1200, it’s enough. And god forbid homegirl wants a damn sandwich – it says not to mix your protien and carbs (who can possibly do that?). Carbs are still the devil, and though I’m exercise at the max duration they suggest, perhaps I should stop just taking a walk around the block and do something more intense like a slow jog *eyeroll*? And I have so many options with this site! I can either workout either more intensely, with more variety, longer, or more often. Or, if that’s not enough, workout twice a day because celebrities do it and working out with no fuel in your body is supposed to be good for you (what a crock of shit). And according to them I should be eating…oh, just about what I do now, but in 300 calorie mini meals every 3 hours, again, foiling my plans to sustain any sort of normal life and to be able to eat socially with other people, oh, ever. And if that doesn’t work, just do the Atkins diet! I mean, Atkins worked so well for me before (read: I hated what I could eat so I starved myself).
After my time with the big Goo today, I’ve come to these conculsions:
1. I am pretty much smarter about this than the internet.
2. Their only suggestions are things that…
a. I am doing already (varied exercise, correct calorie range with some fluctuations over the week, eating often enough to keep my stomach not grumbly, water, journalling my food and exercise, etc)
b. Things that I refuse to do (cutting out all refined carbs and/or alcohol, cardio 6-7 days per week, two-a-day workouts, etc)
c. Things that make no sense (like eating 2300 calories a day, not eating carbs with protien, and cutting way down on workouts)
I think in light of the situation at hand and the information in front of me, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, and just aim to bet a bit better at it. In other words, lessen the amount of nutritionally void things I stuff my face with without eliminating food groups, make sure I’m getting my fruits and veggies everyday instead of some days, use the more sane October gym plan as an opportunity to do 100% of my workouts this month. I guess it’s all about moderation and consistency. It has to be, because if carbs really are the devil and running is evil, sign me up to be a crankypants in hell.
