Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Month: August 2009 (Page 1 of 3)

Happy Monday?

Today is a good day.  It’s Zliten’s first day at his new job, things around the office are pretty optimistic for a Monday, the weather is supposed to be under 100 all this week (and it looks like I can try running outside in the mornings again!!!), and I weigh 157.4 lbs.

Taking my cookies? Nooooo....

What?  Yeah, you read that right.  2.4 lbs over the “oh shit” weight again.  It was the best of weekends, it was the worst of weekends.  I didn’t do too bad calorie-wise overall, but I did put down over 50 of the swimmy suckers at Red Lobster’s all you can eat shrimp fest thing.  Mostly grilled, and I balanced it with a salad and steamed broccoli as my side (and only had ONE biscuit), and balanced it out with a super healthy and light dinner, but still.  1300+ calories in one meal is not good for anyone.  Then, I went to go see the movie District 9.  Anyone that’s seen it will realize how awesome that is – and I had no idea – those just ended up being my plans for the day knowing very little about the movie.

However, I’ll turn this into an opportunity to conquer mental madness about the scale.  I got back on the thing every morning last week.  Much better than gingerly putting one toe on twice a week, worrying about how it affects my mood.  This, in and of itself, is a big victory, my friends.  I haven’t been afraid of my skinny jeans either, and honestly, 5 lbs of fluctuation isn’t really making or breaking how hott I feel unless I let the mental shit get to me.

Another victory – after eating that big ass meal, I spent about an hour on the couch letting it settle.  After that, I started getting antsy, almost like I had a bunch of caffeine.  I just had to get my hiney up and do a nice long workout.  Not because I felt guilty, not because it was a scheduled day to do such a thing, but because I was full of ENERGY.  One super positive thing about going through half marathon training is that my body no longer shuts down after a huge meal.  It goes “WHEEEE, now we have a ton of fuel, let’s go let’s go, let’s gogogogogogo!”  I definitely wasn’t up for a 12 mile run or anything, but a super hard DDR 20 song course and a nice long strength set fit the bill.

So after much ado – here are the numbers.

Calories in: 1868 (1768 + 100 for “inflation”) per day.

Calories out: 483 per day.

Total deficit: 639 per day or 4473 this week.

Weight: 153.8 low weight (Wednesday), 157.4 high weight (Sunday).

So honestly – my body is just rebelling right now because it’s the end of my TOM and I typically gain weight over the course of those 5-ish days anyway, and I had a bunch of crappy food this weekend.  I should normalize pretty quickly this week.  I’d love to see a weight by the end of the week in the 152’s but I won’t hold my breath.  Unless somehow holding my breath will help me lose weight… then I’m game.

So the plan for this week?  I think I might just give the 4 workout week a try again.  Since I did weights yesterday, I can’t go back to my original plan, but here is what I’m gonna try:

Sesame Street is apparently getting edgier these days...

Sesame Street is apparently getting edgier these days...

Today: 6 mile treadmill, yoga

Tuesday: all out 5k in the morning, 15 mins arc trainer and weights at gym after work

Thursday: 15 mins cybil and weights before work, 5k with timed mile in the middle (7:30 mile, perhaps?) after work

Saturday: 60 mins DDR, yoga, home weights (yeah, this is a little ridiculous but…)

Depending on my time and the temperature, the Tu/Th workouts might rearrange but it will all get in there…

The funny thing is that when I started these in December ’08, I remember looking at the sheer amount of workout each day and freaking out.  Now, I’m looking at the sheer amount of days off and freaking out.  Three whole days off?  What on earth to do with them?  Can I resist the urge to squeeze in workouts on my days off?  What if I decide to go on a bike adventure or dancing or roller skating?  Is that ok?  Before, I pretty much worked out and planted my ass on the couch with exhaustion the rest of the time.  Now I’ve gotten used to the 6-7 day a week plan of moving a little/lot each day.  I really like it.  I think this is going to DEFINITELY be part of my regular maintenance plan once I’m done losing during my racing off season time.  However, my body seemed to previously respond better weight loss-wise to big long marathon sessions, so I’m to give it another try this week.

The other thing that makes me curious is I was eating a LOT less back then.  About 1500 average instead of my 1700+ average now.  I wonder if I should cut my calories a little.  I do also run and lift a bit harder now (+ calorie burn), but I’m also thinner (-calorie burn).  DO WANT a pocket trainer/nutritionist that will work for hugs and tell me what to do, plz.  Since I don’t have that, all I can do is give it a try and see what it does to my appetite.  It looks like it will be about the same calorie burn I’m doing now.  I think I’ll monitor how much EXTRA activity I’m getting outside of these 4 days as well as my appetite and let that be my guide.

Can’t think of much else to yak about, so I think I’ll just get down to it.  My goal is to be a very, very good girl until Saturday night, as that is my bachelorette party and I have a feeling that (rightfully so) caution will be thrown to the wind and partying my face off.  I’ve just been told a time and a place to be, and requested that we do some dancing.  Other than that, it’s all a surprise!  Scary fun.  Bachelorette party stories?  Wanna comment on my workout plan?  I love me some comments!

Happy (Late) Blogoversary to Me

August 15, 2008, I put up a “Hello World” post.  A week later, when I was done fiddling with things, I put up my first real post.  Ever since, I’ve been yacking away at the internet multiple times a week.  The actual anniversary date slipped by me, but I love anniversaries of sorts, as it gives me time to do a little year in review and think about what I’ve accomplished in a year.

What this blog was supposed to be:

I had originally decided I was going to try to dedicate time to each of my varied interests – gaming, health, cooking, fashion, deep thought, etc.  However, it’s pretty clear which one of those took my focus this year.  Between being painfully close-but-so-far away from the end of project: deporkify, and training for multiple races and other efforts, this definitely became a health-centric blog.  I talk about (sometimes single mindedly) what is on my mind.  I find it hard to write passionate posts about things I’m just not as interested in right now.  All the posts were supposed to be well thought out, full of links and facts, and researched.  I was trying for 4 posts per week.  I also didn’t figure that anyone besides maybe Zliten would read it.

What this blog is:

Moody.  Goes through stages.  Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s seething with frustration, and sometimes it’s vacant when I get too busy to update.  Very much has “shiny syndrome” just like it’s owner does.  I’d say overall it’s about 70% health/fitness, 10% cooking, 5% fashion, 5% games industry, 5% posts about fun times and 5% other.  If I was less lazy about tags, I’d have a better idea.  Lately it feels like my little whiny/ranty place, which I hope to change soon as stress subsides and life becomes a little more simple.  Apparently it gets over 100 hits a day, which is just amazing to me.  Who are you mystery readers?  Why do you not leave comments?  I like comments.  The email that pings me saying I have a new comment?  Makes my day.  You want to make me happy, right? 🙂

Also, it evolved from requiring each post to be very well thought out/researched/etc to sometimes including brain dumps.  It’s just me.  If I was trying to be a pro-writer here, I’d refrain, but some of my favorite blogs simply talk about their day or the cool new recipe they tried or where they went for dinner, or what they wore.  I try to weed out the super non-productive stuff, but sometimes it is mentally where I’m at, so I feel it would be less-than-honest to go off the radar until I’m able to write contructively again.

The Health/Fitness Blogger Community:

Is awesome.  After I started realizing that my main focus was going to be health and fitness stuff, I started finding other blogs to see what they were up to.  Over the year, I’ve come to love The Great Fitness Experiment, MizFit, FeedMeI’mCranky, Pasta Queen, Prior Fat Girl, and many many more.  At first I was very timid with the commenting (I was never really the one to speak up in class voluntarily), but I kinda learned that – hey, I really love when people read and comment on my blog and when they do, I go check out their sites and sometimes if I likey enough, it gets a place on my yahoo reader.  Fancy that, if I go be active and comment on other people’s sites, they might check mine out.  I certainly am not a very popular blog, but that’s ok.   I don’t try very hard.  I haven’t made the jump to pimping my posts on facebook and twitter.  I’m not sure I want to because I feel like I might have to censor myself more.  I should get over that.  But – first and foremost it’s my soapbox to shout up and my creative outlet, so getting that out of it is the most important thing to me.

Me, A Year Ago:

Me, about a year ago.

The vital stats – I was weighing in around 170 (so about 15 lbs heavier than I am now).  I was running 4 miles max, in about 50 minutes.  I had just stepped up my workouts to crazy-town and was about to go through one of the most hellacious months ever with my parents shacking up with us for a few weeks, a huge gaming conference in town, 3 birthday celebrations, and much much more.  Fancy that, I was also simultaniously about to start to experience the post-100 lb loss beating of my head upon the wall which would continue on and off for the next year.   The only months I saw significant loss were December, January, and February.  Funny that, those were also the months I was doing 4 workout weeks.  Maybe there IS something there… hmmmm…

I was just ending a long and stressful phase of work and shipping a game, which entailed a lot of crunch food and overtime and weekends at work and squeezing in workouts when I could.  I was also less than enamored with my job at the time, and still not quite sure what to do with this new found athlete-y-ness I had uncovered in myself.

Where I would like to be in a year:

Blogwise – I have no idea.  I’m pretty happy that I’ve found this community of people who are just as crazy as I am (coming from me, it’s a compliment).  I’m still on the edges, peeking in, but enjoying

Me now.  Id like to be this + more awesome in a year...

Me now. I'd like to be this + more awesome in a year...

myself.  I’d like to go back a little more to Subject posts (about one particular thing) instead of the randomness and “this is how my day went” or “I’m having this problem” or whatever, but we shall see.  Sometimes, you just have to write what you know.

Health/Fitness-wise – I have ideas.  Please, dear fluffy lord, let me be at a weight which I can both live healthfully at and accept myself maintaining for the rest of my life?  Whether it ends up being the 155 I am now or I get my arse in gear and down to 135 or whatever it ends up being where I go – “Ok, this is where we build the house.”  I want to have done another half marathon and be in training (or planning training) for a full marathon.  Failing that, a triathalon.  I want to look in the mirror and see all the hard work I’m putting in for all that it is.  I also want to finally be able to do *one damn pullup*.

Person-wise – I’m also not sure.  I need to do some deep soul searching.  I’ll be 31.  I’ll have 30-35 good years left job-wise.  For the last two years, I have been simply coasting.  I need to think about what my next move is.  Do I want to climb the ladder I’m on, or do I want to jump over to another one?  What do I want to dedicate my free time to doing?  From the post above, it sounds like a very training-filled year, but are there any creative and personal goals I want to accomplish?  Is it time to start the novel?  Is it time to quit my job, sell our house, and go live on a hippie commune?  I have no idea.  Right now, beyond athletic pursuits, I am just coasting and enjoying myself.  And that’s ok, but not ok forever.

Deep thoughts for a Friday I know.  Now, I want to know about you.  Where were you a year ago?  What’s changed?  What do you want to accomplish in the next year?  Do you enjoy reflecting on anniversaries or rather not think about it?

Better Today

Just wanted to give a quick update, as now that I’ve spewed the vile stuff out, I feel purged of it.  I’ve been in a much better mood today.  It might also be that I’m finally wearing the skinny jeans that haven’t fit since vacation and the scale put my back into the 153’s, but whatevs.  I’ll take it any way I can get it.

4-day work (out) weeks.  I had much success doing them.  Those 4 days were hell on wheels and I spent literally 2 hours from changing into and out of my gym clothes, but I did see some decent progress.  Zliten was kind enough to remind me of that.  While I am enjoying the 30 mins here, 20 mins there I’ve been doing (and it certainly added up to just as much if not more than I was doing in my 4 day plan), maybe my body likes the marathon sessions and more rest days.   Something to ponder if I’m still not seeing results, though that goes out the window as soon as half training starts.

Stress.  I like to discount it, because while I love plans and schedules and lists, I also am usually pretty low on the stress-0-meter.  Whatever happens at work, usually stays at work.  My home life is awesome sauce.  But since the three pronged attack on my psyche came into focus, dust has been kicked up around here and I guess I am feeling a little more tense than normal.  I find occasionally I can’t go back to sleep and sit up thinking about shit.  Which is very, very not normal for me, especially since I started running.  Running = sleep like a baby all night.  So once Zliten is back to work and the wedding is done, things will calm down to about normal and I can relax.

Stability.  I was an idiot and starved my way through my half training, at least I think.   Zliten thinks I am also eating now more than I did then (except a heavy meal once or twice a week before long runs) and I am running 6 miles a week to my 25 then.  My body is probably trying to figure out what the heck is going on and is just getting readjusted to having enough food.

I am going to take my skinny jeans wearing, mood-swinging, stressball ass to the bridal shop for my dress fitting now.  Ciao, bellas.  More later.

Set Adrift on the Sea of Anti-Bliss

I’m feeling a bit adrift this week.  The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity.  If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post.  I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year.  Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here.  Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.

Weekly Recap:

So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity.  Without further ado, here we go:

Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)

Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)

Total calorie average per day = 1563

Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.

This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale.  So why am I frightened to get on it?  Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.

Scale Woes:

The scale has become a big issue for me lately.  I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control.  However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that.  If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month.  I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks).  I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week.  Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s.  But that 150 barrier is holding strong.  I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week.  The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2.  I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good.  And I can tell it’s not just scale weight.  Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined.  No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Mental Madness:

I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way.  I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like.  “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?”  And the worst part – “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.”  That’s the one that bothers me the most.  Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to.  I exercise like crazy.  I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan.  I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t.   I think that’s what frustrates me.  I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs.  Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside – that would really, really be nice too.

The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts.  I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something.  And I have no desire to stop.  It’s just the eating part.  And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.

It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore.  I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate.  It was something I could incorporate with my life long term.  Then it just stopped working.  The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – not productive for me OR the wall.

I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me.  Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight.  I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right?  Well, it’s not good enough.  I’m NOT happy at this weight.  I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy.  I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life.  And I’m not there yet.

The Plan:

This is the problem.  I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”.  I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later.  The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t.  And eat more and move less just seems like craziness.  I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else.  Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day.  That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet.  And maybe that fact should scare me too.  The point is-

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM.  ARGHHHH!

I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return.  However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress.   I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.

So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-

1.  Get on the scale every day.  Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.  Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world.  Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.

2.  Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can.  Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg.  Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week).  Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time.  Bleh.

3.  Lower my (unreasonable) expectations.  If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding.  I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.

4.  Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s.  I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately.   I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else.  I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine.  Fried shrimp will still exist later.

5.  Try not to let any of this affect my mood.  I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year).  I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle.  I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes.  I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day.  My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.

Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post.  Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed.  icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute. 🙂

Awesome Today!

I am about this happy today!

I am about this happy today!

I wrote up a big long post yesterday pissing and moaning, and I decided to self censor and change my headspace.  So that’s why posting has been light this week (besides being the busiest week ever).  Instead, I’m going to talk about how awesome the last 24 hours has been.

Awesome Weights Workout!

So I just didn’t feel like doing weights last night.  At all.  When I feel like that I usually just bring out my ball and my weights and do some random strength while watching TV/in between cooking dinner/etc, and usually get a full weight workout.  I decided to make it a “theme” night and do every exercise on the ball somehow.  I highly recommend it!  I got a great and different workout by doing silly things like lying abductors and scissor leg lifts on the ball and flinging my legs over my head almost to an assisted scorpion pose to work my back.  It amused Zliten and me and it was over before I knew it.

Awesome Frozy Yogurt!

I pinched dietgirl’s amazing frozen yogurt recipe and tweaked it by somewhere between doubling/tripling the recipe.  I used 0% greek yogurt, frozen tropical fruit, two tbsp powdered sugar, and 1 tbsp honey.  It was both desert and breakfast today.  I’d be disappointed in myself, but it’s totally (almost) healthy.  I’m pretty sure the fruit at the bottom stuff of my normal greek yogurt is just about on par with a little sugar and honey, and the rest of it is just stuff I’d normally eat for breakfast.  Considering trying the next batch with splenda and going to splurge on Fage or Oikos instead of Greek Gods because it has way less protein.

Awesome Run!

So I was still miffed about my close encounter with my best mile time ever, and even though it was technically my easy run day, I decided to give it another go.  I ran the first mile at 5.5 (about 11 min/mile).  I started the second mile at 7.5 instead of 7.0 and worked my way up 0.1 every fifteenth of a mile and it actually worked well until the end where I just went balls out the last 0.2 anyway.  I finished with a time of 7:35!  Best mile time ever!  Wahooo!  I wasn’t even completely spent and I ran my cooldown mile around 10 min/mile.

By the way – my second best time was in junior high school, I think I was about 13.  I ran only one mile, at 7:50, and was between puking and passing out at the end of it.  Next stop – under 7 minutes.  I know I can do it.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be running a 10 min/mile after it, but I think it’s possible.

Awesome in General!

I’m going to ignore that the scale said 155.2 this morning and that’s my low weight for the week so far.  I’m going to ignore that our wedding is 40 some days away and there is still so much to do.  I’m going to enjoy my happy day and the wonderful feeling of stress not bothering me one bit, thank you very much.

Rock on with your Fridays, and have a wonderful weekend.  What do you have to feel awesome about today?  I wanna hear about all the awesome!

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