Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: Gaming Industry Page 1 of 2

On Growing Up, and Things To Be When You Do…

Let it not be said that I am unhappy with my station in life.  I’m not rich, but I am comfortable.  I don’t quite make enough to be the sole breadwinner in the household – but with a smaller mortgage (aka NOT buying a 4 bedroom house in the exact neighborhood we wanted) and less of a car payment (hello, hybrid luxury car), I could probably make a stab at it.  I have the possibility and experience in the next few years to get a title and salary bump that makes sense (taking the Associate out of my title, or as I like to say – removing the Ass from my Prod), and frankly, which I think I deserve with the time I’ve put in.

However, I’m seeing game studios collapse around me left and right.  We are actually doing really freaking well in the midst of the chaos, but a year from now… who knows?  It’s really hit me lately that beyond project management and game design, I have very few marketable skills.  What happens if the well dries up here in Austin and moves on, and I don’t want to move on with it?  I love living here.  It is PERFECT for me.  Cost of living affords me a mortgage and not a rent check each month, unlike other hot spots like So Cal.  The weather here really jives with me.  I don’t think I could do somewhere rainy like Seattle or cold like the Boston area.  I feel at home here like I never have in a place before – the people are quirky and awesome and friendly, it’s not weird to be active, and there is always cool stuff going on and it’s not like you have to be a cool kid to know about it.

So what’s a gal to do?  I’ve been thinking about this for a while.  If I want to stay here, what is my backup plan?  It’s entirely possible I’m worried about nothing but… I always am thinking, “what’s next”.  Some people’s jobs make sense as a freelancer/online.  Outsourced art and programming (to a lesser extent) is common in the games industry – design and production aren’t and those are my specialties.  While I enjoy project management for a fun industry like gaming, I have my doubts about moving into something more mundane like software development or a pants factory or whatnot.  If I’m not having fun, it will not work for me.  Whatever I spend 40 hours or more doing has to at least make me feel proud/interested in the product.  So… what else am I interested in to the point where I could envision myself doing them full time?

Writing.  If I could make a living doing it, I would LOVE to write full time.  I wasn’t sure if I could write on a schedule but coming up with something 3-4 times per week for the last year and some change (minus a couple weeks of crazy) has proven to me that I can indeed be self motivated and produce semi-coherent diatribe on topics that interest me.  The next step for me gaining confidence here is plunging into NaNoWriMo.  If I can get at least a crappy novel under my belt, I can evaluate whether I could consider doing this for a living.  I feel the same way about it as I do a marathon.  I just want to go the distance at least once to see if it’s for me.

Film/TV production.  I think it would be a natural step, and Austin is becoming a mini-Hollywood as of late.  It’s always something I’ve been interested in and I’m starting to have the contacts to at least consider the move.  But it would probably be more of the same (crazy hours, stress, waiting around for things to happen, etc).

Then Zliten went and got me thinking last night… he was talking about doing the 30 minute workout circuit at Planet Fitness and then was trying to get out of it by saying he just wanted to come home.  I made him a circuit that was just evil enough but not too crazy evil and he swore at me when he finished but looked like he had gotten a good workout.  I’m always trying to tweak my workouts and food intake/ratios/etc.  I’m horribly interested in what other people eat.  I always feel like if I knew more, I’d be more successful at maneuvering through this healthy living thing, and I’ve pretty much exhausted the internet.  Sure, occasionally, I happen upon something new, but usually, I find myself going – “Duh.  Thanks captain obvious.”  And then realize that to 99.9% of the world is not as bored as I has not had the time, attention, nor want for looking this up.  As I have.  And I want more.

I find myself now tentatively pondering about thinking about perhaps sticking my toe into the waters of academia again.  Previously I’ve been very anti-school because my thesis ruined school for me and I’ve said for the greater part of a decade I was done with it forever.  Maybe not.  I also said I’d never wear bell bottoms and I rocked them yesterday.

The idea of going back to school at age 30, with a full time job, with other extra curricular pursuits (hi 2 u training for a marathon) is pretty damn daunting.  The starting salaries of either a dietitian or a personal trainer don’t look promising.  I would be taking a pay cut fo’ sho unless somehow my management skillz could get me into a supervisory job.  The idea of actually having to recruit clients seems daunting as well.  It’s most likely that this is NOT the job for me.

But the idea of something that could possibly done online or freelance sounds awesome.  It frustrates me to no end having to show up for work some days when I don’t have a full day of work to do, and just sit here and wait because we are required to at least put in our 8 hours.  And it’s possible that there may be a time in my life where a full time 40 hour a week job is not a viable option.  I’ve done the traditional “go to work, do my time, get a paycheck, and go home” thing all my life.  I’d at least like to see how the other half lives before I run screaming back into a position of stability, comfort, and regularity.

I think the first step (after I’m done with NaNoWriMo, of course, I’m already hearing the, “are you done writing YET?  There are THINGS to DO…” voices from the peanut gallery) is to maybe check out some coursework books on nutrition and training.  Give them a read.  See if it’s anything I want to learn about.  Go from there.  The local U has degree programs in just about anything nutrition/fitness/exercise/training/etc I want to pursue so I’ve got that going for me.

I always thought I was going to keep climbing my way up.  First take over a game.  Then take over a department.  Then – who knew, maybe run my own company some day.  Now, it’s entirely possible I might get bitten by the draw of being an exec again, but I’m toying with the idea that maybe the ladder isn’t where I’ll be the happiest.  Maybe it is.  I just don’t know anymore.  I’m sure this is just me being a little unenthused with my current task at work and day dreaming.  But maybe it’s more than that.

I know some of you out there at least do/have done side jobs writing, training, maybe there’s even a dietician or someone that’s worked with film/tv/broadcast stuff out there.  Talk to me.  Did you leave your cushy corporate job for it?  Did you regret it at all?  Is there any way in hell to make a decent salary at it (think mid to upper 5 figures +)?  How was the schooling?  Did you go for a degree or certifications?  What did you exactly do when you became gainfully employed?  What did you love and hate about it?  If not – what is your dream job?  What steps are you taking to get there?  How did you know what you were doing was right for you?

Don’t worry – I’ll get back to my regularly scheduled bitchfest in no time about the scale not budging and screwing up over the weekend and how Jillian can go eat a… um… carrot for the torture she hath brought upon us in Level 3.

More demotivational fun here!

On Self Sabatoge

Imagine your dream.  No, not the delicious turkey sandwich you’re dreaming of for lunch, but something that has been a long term, professional and/or personal dream.  Maybe you just got handed a publishing contract for your new book.  Maybe you finally qualified for the Boston Marathon.  Maybe you found the perfect love of your life.  What’s the last thing you’d expect your reaction would be?  That’s right, running away and screaming.

So why is that my first instinct everytime I get the opportunity for something cool?

On my super exciting news I won’t be able to talk about for years and years, I was rightfully super excited the first day after I found out, and then after – I realized I felt lost and very self-doubting.  Zliten was pretty incredulous how blah I was being about it.  I spent a while berating myself about it.  When did I become the kind of person that was more comfortable being mediocre?  When did I become the kind of person that is afraid of success?  At what point in my life did I stop wanting to reach for the stars?  Then there was the frustration at how long it was taking me to think things through.  When did I become so rusty?  Am I just too old to be a rockstar?  Is this not really what I want anymore?

All of a sudden, it dawned on me.  It’s just like when I hit the gym after a looooong hiatus 2 years ago.  When I got back on the eliptical for the first time, it was FRUSTRATING as hell that something that once came so easy to me was now like trudging through mud.  Running my first mile took almost a year and I just about collapsed dead after.  Doing a pushup from my toes took over a year and I certainly wasn’t just busting out 3 sets of 25 like I am now.  All things I’ve done before.  All things I am better at now than I was before ever in my life.  I was just out of practice and it took time.

One I realized this, I felt much, much better and was able to make some progress.  I’m still feeling very slow but it’s ok.  It’s not a switch I can flip, and I don’t think my bosses expect that.  I have some time to get my head where it needs to be.  Just as I don’t expect perfection (though I strive for it) in my eating and exercising habits, I don’t need to hold myself to an unreasonable standard in other aspects of life.

Now, I’m excited and optimistic, as I should be.  Still have a little bit of the butterflies but those will clear away once things get settled.  And that’s an awesome way to go into a three day weekend.  What other areas of your life can YOU apply the lessons you’ve learned in forging your way into a healthy lifestyle?  Anyone got super awesome plans for the long weekend?

Barbarians In Past Lives

I hate when I have to be vague about things that happen in my life, but this is one of those times.   I have some potentially awesome stuff in my future, but I have to be incredibly tight lipped about it for a long ass time.  However, I alone own the emotions it is making me feel and memories I’m reflecting on, so I’ll talk about that instead.

One reason I started this blog was to become more comfortable with being honest and open on the internet.  And, because I missed having a soapbox to stand on.  As I said before, I am this weird combination of naive and trusting in a way that is totally not beneficial.  I’ll open up and talk about my pooping habits but then flinch about talking about something totally random that shouldn’t make any difference.  In another life and time a few years ago I was a bit of a big deal (not really) to a couple tens of thousands of people as the face of a game as Sapphyra, the big and brawny barbarian warrior with red hair and a bit of a penchant for drinking and beating people up.  So pretty much, it wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the haircolor.

I was completely and totally ok being open about things in the game I probably shouldn’t have (hindsight is 20/20), but totally freaked out if someone posted anything REAL about me.  I would have removed all pictures of me if I could have thought of any excuse to do so.  Possibly because I was 200 goddamn million lbs and insecure about it, but I also felt like there should be a separation between the online me and the real me.  When I walked out (amicably) of SOE over 2 years ago, I left a gigantic part of me behind.  One of the people that played the game finally found me on twitter (hi Ronson!) but for the most part, I severed ties with that life.  I always meant to put breadcrumbs out there to lead people to my next title, but the were extremely well hidden.  If you make it through the first world of the game I shipped last year, you’d see it, as I named a tower after myself (as well as some items).

I miss those people in EQOA-world.  I miss being a bit of an internet celebrity, as stupid as it sounds.  I wish I would have let some of the cooler people in a bit more.  I always felt like a little bit of an artifical wall was necessary.  I wish I would have established myself with an identity I could take away and not let everything sort of die in a fire when I left.  While the last 2 years has done wonders to my waistline, and I’ve accepted work was on the back burner due to my priorities elsewhere (operation: deporkify), my position in at my company (non-creative managerial), and the economy and personal circumstances (couldn’t just go out and grab my dream job, even if I wanted to leave the company I’m at), I have longed for something closer to what I used to do.  With better hours, better pay, the actual title bump, and in a town I could afford actual real estate without winning the lotto, of course.

Now, it looks like I mightcouldpossiblyitsybitsychance could have at least some of that.  It is now time to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds and get to work.  So that I shall.  I spent a long time thinking that I had blown my shot to do something great by leaving that barbarian behind, but I find myself about to potentially step into something just as cool if not cooler.  I just had to wait for the right time.  Now, I just have to not screw up.

Overcompensation?

Things are still about 85% cuh-ray-zee at work but wanted to check in and make sure y’all knew I wasn’t going off the grid here.  Hopefully I can resume a semi-normal posting schedule soon but hey, what IS a normal posting schedule up in here?  I was aiming for at least M/W/F.  Oh well.  I am here now, and should probably stop wasting precious words blathering about posting in my post.  Oooh, recursive.

Anyhoo, a recap of last week, and what’s shaking in Quix-life this week.

Last Week Wrap Up:

Hello, dinner course on Sunday.  Dont you look delicious.  Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, so dont judge me (too much).

Hey there, dinner course, you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, don't judge (too much).

Last week, I ate an average of 1825 calories tracked per day.  I’m going to go ahead and tack on an extra 100 per day with the nibble of this, sip of that habit I have and say 1925.   This was not on accident.  Iput things in my mouth such as an 800 calorie sandwich, 3 servings of potato/corn chips in ONE DAY (and with dip), a sugary alcoholic beverage or 2, and a 3 course filet and crab meal dripping with butter.  So much for after-vacation repentantance, huh?

However, I increased my activity.  Instead of my 417 per day I aimed to burn, I was all the way up at 742.  I did 6 full workout days with at least 30 mins moderate/intense cardio on 5 of them.  I did 3 full weights sessions.  It was a good workout week.

1925 – 742 = 1183 calories.  Oops.  Considering I should be ingesting just over 2000 calories to sit on my butt all day, that might be a little too much of a deficit.  1000 calories is the absolute line, but 800 calories per day is pretty close.  Before I added up the numbers, I was thinking “geez, why did I eat so much, I had a horrible week, I should have busted my butt in the gym more…etc”.  It’s becoming apparent that I must have mistreated my body during half training if I feel like I’m eating too much NOW when I’m training way less.  Next time I will track food but it will probably be a matter of making myself eat more healthy food than I feel like I should.

This week the goal is a little LESS food and a little LESS workouts.  I’d like to bring the ratio to 750 or less also (that is, in theory, 1.5 lbs lost in a week).

The zone ratio this week – epic fail.  Closest I got was 27/26/47 and the weirest ones were 6/19/63 or 12/50/38.  I don’t think it’s in the cards anytime soon for me to eat 40/30/30 effortlessly, but it’s not a horrible idea to work towards it, the way I naturally eat is very carb heavy because I love my fruits and veggies and starches and think meat should be used in between bread/tortillas/etc or on top of salads, stir fries, curries, etc.  I love beef jerky and turkey pepperoni as snacks, and it feels rather sinful to mow down almonds and pistachios, but I find that while I’m satisfied, I’m not satiated and want something carby with it as well.  It’s all about finding a balance.

Last week’s high weight was 157.6 and last week’s lowest weight was 154.6.  I’m going to start tracking both.

Non-Obsessive Fitness Related Stuff:

As for the other stuff in this here post, things have mostly resolved themselves.  Zliten got his offer letter today and starts on August 31st.  The salary, though not the ridiculous money he was making before, is better than expected so that’s a bonus!  It is a relief and came just in time.  It will suck a bit to have to wait about 1 month to get a second income coming in so the savings will take a small hit, but considering it’s temporary – I can’t complain.  And we can finally work to replensh it after that!

The work stuff – while there are still fires burning, things are settling down well.  Coming in at this stage of a project is actually nice because I’m more involved and can contribute to the direction, instead of just feeling like a secratary while the big boys get to play.  It’s nice.  It’s – as always- a work in progress I’ll have to keep vigilant about, but I think this is going to be a good learning experience here for me instead of a disaster, which my initial reaction was last week.

What Now?

This week, she is a busy one.  I’m plowing through insane amounts of documents at work (trying to archive 3 years worth of stuff).  I posted my second best mile time EVAR today at 8 minutes flat.  I could have done it in less time (I wasn’t completely wasted after), but I miscalculated (I start slower at the beginning and then work up – so while I should have started around 8:15ish I started at 8:30 pace).  Next time!   Today we are going out after work for the August Yelp Elite party (organic BBQ and organic Vodka and live music?  Yes plz!) and going to pop the champagne and celebrate Zliten’s jobiness.

Then – it’s all wedding all the time.  47 days until it.  Yikes!  We are working on registry stuff at Penney’s,

These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

Target, and Amazon.  You’d be surprised how hard it is to do this – I decide, “Ok, I want some luggage.”  Then it takes me an hour to pick out the one piece I want and read reviews and such.  Zliten during this time has added 40 things.  So it’s been a long, slow process.

Sunday, I was fortunate enough to find shoes.  They were cute, comfortable, and on sale.  Now, I’m crossing my fingers that they match the dress and we’re solid.  I also grabbed some silk flowers from the craft store and am trying to wrap my head around how I want them in my hair.  I’m hoping to make them myself because they are so freaking expensive online.  Clip+silk flower != 50 bucks in my world.  I have a bracelet, I need a necklace and earrings, spanx, and am looking for a tropical-ish brooch possibly to go on the front of the dress.  I think I’ve nixed the veil idea although I wouldn’t mind something similar/in place of it.  Maybe a colored, super short veil?  Maybe I go with a flower crown and do ribbons?  Lots to think about, but it’s getting put together.  Next month we start talking with the site and getting all that dealt with – though they assured us they do tropical themed weddings all the time so it wouldn’t be a problem.  Hope that’s as easy breezy as they say it will be.

Beyond that, I’m just going to try to get through the week alive and enjoy the ride.  I miss your blogs, and hope to catch up on them soon.  Any wedding tips?  Doing something cool this week?

It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

Since I’ve gotten back, it’s been an emotional and mental rollercoaster over here.  The three pronged attack on my psyche has been:

A)  A MAJOR shakeup at work.  It started Tuesday morning and didn’t involve me, but happened all around me.  I have gone from pleased to pissed to disappointed to feeling lost to feeling like a part of the team and back again.  As the dust settles, I think things are going to work out alright.  I just really need to stay on top of myself and not retreat when I feel like I’m being ignored or I’m not needed.  I have been given permission to butt in on anything I need to, and once you give me permission – hoo boy, you better hope you meant it.

B) Going, as of Monday, to a truly one income household that doesn’t take enough in to pay the bills.  As of the time of penning this, Zliten is currently camping his email box waiting to hear back about a promising interview.  This is making life very tense this week.  Essentially, if this falls through, it’s take-whatever-he-can-get mode which is not optimal in any way.  It’s a really sad sign of the market when someone that has 4+ years in their position and 8 years in the game industry that has shipped more titles than everyone in his last interview COMBINED is a year unemployed and on pins and needles for a contract job paying probably about half what his last position paid.

C) The ridiculous reason – those 5 lbs.  I know I deserved it because of the way I ate through NOLA with reckless abandon, but it still weighed heavily on my mood.  I wrote up a ton of crazy emo thoughts and decided NOT to post them here.  I’m glad I didn’t because while it was not ultimately unproductive to think and go through the emotions (it rarely is), it’s not something I needed help with or to share.  It might help that I’m down 2 lbs today from my 157.6!!! but it’s also just accepting my fate.  I am NOT going to give into the temptation to do 2 hours of intense cardio per day and eat like a bird.  I am going to go back to my normal workout schedule and my normal intake of healthy foods.  It might take 2 weeks to get back to where I was instead of a few days like normal, but it’s probably better for me.

So, instead of the whining I was going to do, I am going to post the lessons I’ve learned this week:

-Even if it feels self-indulgent, speak up and state my opinion, intentions, and desires.  I am a big champion of communication flow, but I was waiting for members of my team to read my mind instead of speaking up about what was grinding my gears.

-Not everyone is looking for a way to screw me over, so I shouldn’t be paranoid, but sometimes it does happen, so I should stay aware.  I am this strange combination of naive and distrusting, and it does me a disservice sometimes.

-Be confident.  No real qualifier here.  I have this real bad tendency to retreat into my comfort zone when things get rough and no one is pushing me (very much unlike my workouts), I need to say screw it and go storm castles when I need to.

-Save when you can, even if it seems silly.  We would be in a world of hurt right now without a savings account.  Always save some for a rainy day, and just hope you don’t need it.

-The grass is always greener.  Right when Zliten got laid off, I was extremely a little jealous.  I was badly burnt out and thought I needed some extended time off.  After a year, I am, even on stressful days, reasonably glad to be employed rather than sitting at home.

-Go crazy on vacations, but not so crazy.  Going out of town does not empower you to eat fried foods at every meal and not gain weight (and not even scale related, I felt like CRAP this week, my body is working out all the ick).  Moderately crazy is better.

-The actual losing weight thing that is the root of the problem?  Still figuring it out.  It is going to be a fucking long hard road to get from 150-something to 1-2/3/4-something that makes me content.  I am going to get pissed and frustrated and lost and confused and want to cry about it but you know what?  That is what it is.  I am allowed to be upset and grumpy about things sometimes.  I do not have to accept it.  I can be dissatisfied with myself without losing my self worth.  I have to remember that last part though.  I may not be happy I gained weight, but I don’t lose the ability to call myself a fit and healthy person simply because the scale climbed over 155.

That is all, campers.  Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you bright and shiny Monday with more words about another topic.  Funny how that works.  What did you learn this week?  Any tough times you want to vent about?  Come lay down on the couch and I’ll get out the notepad…

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