Adjusted Reality

Lots of stuff frolicking around in my head lately.  Nothing particularly good or bad, but just there – though with thoughts, if they’re not bad usually that’s good!  I feel like I’m on the verge of some crazy self discovery or change of direction, but it’s not quite formed into a concept yet.  It’s just a feeling.  Or it could just be indigestion, who knows?  Nah, it’s probably just been a lot of excellent blogging going on lately that’s got me in the above-mentioned neutral tizzy.  Since I’m not really ready to produce a coherent tennet on what is ruminating in my brain, let me share some of the awesome I found this week:

“I believe in myself. I’m betting on myself.” PastaQueen finds the courage in this troubled economy to quit her job and pursue her dream to pursue freelance projects.  Her business model and site is great.  I know if I was just starting out and didn’t know a domain name from a hyperlink, 90 bucks is a STEAL to get to the point where I could just start jabbering on a blog.  It’s making me really think about my next move.  Do I want to stay on the path I’m on (which ain’t so bad for my stress level and my pocketbook), or do I have another calling I need to follow?

“You are what you repeatedly do.” MizFit has got the blogosphere all a-twitter about this.  That’s powerful right there.  I don’t ever think I stopped considering myself an athlete all those years or someone who was concerned about eating healthy (ok, maybe the last couple years I did workworkworksleepworkwork, rinse and repeat).  In my head, I was someone who at worst was having a bad day(weekmonthyear) and but was typically a healthy eater.  I might have missed the gym last week (monthyeardecade) but I was a person that worked out.  It was only when I really examined what I was NOT doing regularly anymore was when change began.  I think it’s about time to take inventory again and figure out how to either fix what no longer applies or release the instinct to give a shit.  Two that come to mind is “hardcore gamer” and “young upstart in her position”.  Gotta decide whether it’s time for me to take strides to make that happen again or drop it from my brief self-synopsis.  Note: she is also having a giveaway that I believe you have until tomorrow to get in on…

“You don’t need to be perfect, you just need to be good enough.” Wish I could remember where this came from.  I’ve been spouting it all over in comments, and if I had to guess it would be another MizFit-ism.  If you said this on your blog PLEASE let me know so I can give you credit.  This has been HUGE lately for me.  I missed my half race time goal by 1:18.  I could have been torn to pieces if I was no SO ELATED for finishing the damn thing even though they added at least 2 miles to the end on me.

I have had a very sporadic workout schedule the last 3 weeks in which has included incorporating a lot of low impact/low calorie burn activity.  I am learning that it is ok after spending 3 months so focused, it’s no big freaking deal if I decide I can’t be buggered to go to the gym and we take a bike ride instead, or if I only do half my workout one day.  I hit the gym a bit late in the morning the last 2 days and only got some of my workout done.  Instead of being pissed at myself, I just focused on the fact that it felt REALLY FREAKING AWESOME to wake up and enjoy an empty gym at 830am.

I am already good enough.  I can work on striving for perfect because that is who I am, but I am already good enough RIGHT NOW.  I want to scream this from the rooftops today because it feels really good to say.  Try it.

“Prove it with your sweat!” Prior Fat Girl rocks the stairmaster for 45 minutes and sees Jesus.  Now, she’s in a Stairmaster Invitational with the Anti-Jared.  As much as I felt a huge, swelling accomplishment completing the half (and also very importantly sticking with the training program), I am really proud of some of the things I’ve done since.  The one and a half on the diving board.  Roller skating and working up the nerve to show off my (super-rusty-not-so) sweet skillz.  Getting through my first Zumba class Friday – yeah, that wasn’t a little intimidating.  Me, first timer.  Four other attendees that all knew each other and the instructor.  Room about the size of my living room.  Dance classes in general.  I’ve always as an adult REALLY WANTED to learn but I haven’t gone ’til now.  I call it laziness, but I think deep down it’s fear.  I know it’s a different tangent than she’s taking it, but I spent the last 3 months doing workouts where I could ring out my shirts and get a bucket of water.  I’m all about doing things that scare me until it’s time to build the miles up again.

“Life is a process of learning and re-learning and that’s what makes it so compelling to be here — to be challenged, to acknowledge the setbacks and to be honest about where we are and where we’ve been so we may better ensure we move forward.” Feed Me I’m Cranky (lovin’ the blog name – I’m cranky unless I’m fed too…) has a very open and honest discussion with us about body image, control, and honestly, just reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles.  I really needed to see that when I read it.  I was having a brain-splosion over 156.8 on the scale and the fact that I spend the week losing the weight I gain on the weekend and I HAVE NO CONTROL and HOW AM I EVER GOING TO LOSE THE REST OF THE WEIGHT and other assorted DOOM AND GLOOM.  She is also having an awesome giveaway this week too!

“I want to transform this aspect of my life experience into something that can lift up rather than tear down.” Escape from the Fat Cave is the new incantation of Turtle Progress, and a new beginning for Hilary.  That gal has some strength in her!  And y’know, that’s the perfect word for it – the fat cave.  My old apartment was totally the Fat Cave.  I never wanted to leave it unless I went to Fat Cave #2 (my office at work).  It held me in with fear and taunted me that I didn’t want to be social and didn’t want to experience new things because I was so comfortable with being there.  I’m glad I moved out.  If you need a hand moving the couch or some boxes on your way out, just let me know. 😉

Ok, enough thinking.  I’m off to do.  I am much more comfortable with “DO” lately.  I’m not afraid of my thoughts, but I’m alright letting them swirl together up there in zee subconsious and then trickle down the pipe to my mouth and fingers when they’re ready to loop me in on the new ‘haps.  Until then I am off to DO dinner and DO salsa class and DO away my night.

After the last few days of deep stuff – let’s talk about salads!  I dunno about you, but there is a point during the summer where I could just live off the stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the heat and I’ll take over 100 to under 50 any day of the year, but I’m not all about standing over a stove forever playing with soups or stir fries or curries like I am in the winters.  Hell, sometimes I’ll cook in the winter just to be in the warmth of the stove without further inflating the electric bill.  Summers – it’s either grilling outside with minimal prep side dishes, stuff you can just pop in the oven, or cold stuff like sandwiches and salads.

Now, there are the salads like the one I made last week (aka meals with tons of veggies on top of lettuce with chicken and some light dressing), and there are SALADS (potatoes, mayo, egg, and some relish).  They are not usually interchangeable nutritional-wise, but I do my best to get close.  And here are those attempts:

Veggie-ful Pasta Salad:

I love me some pasta salad.  Of all the bad-for-you salads out there, it’s one of my favorites.  What a weakness I have for this stuff.  And most times, it’s just pasta with some sort of high calorie sauce with a few token veggies for color.  This is so not that salad.  This was the first time I made this and I will sooo make it again.  Maybe with some chicken as a main dish, maybe just to nom on all day…whatever.  It was THAT good.

I made about a punchbowlfull of this stuff and estimated the calorie count around 1600.  Considering it was at least 20 reasonable side dish servings, that puts it at about 80 calories per serving.  Most got eaten at the party, and I noshed on the leftovers all afternoon the next day and it was about a 350 calorie hit to my tracker.  If you LOOK at a Suddenly Salad (which is what I was trying to emulate) I think you have to count at least 400 calories towards your day, so it was a win!

Super easy too.  First, take a box of rotini tri-colored pasta (the 6 serving size).  I mean, you can use whatever you want, but I prefer rotini pasta in my pasta salad and the tri-colored stuff is just fun.  If I was being SUPER GOOD I would have done wheat pasta but it was for a 4th of July BBQ.  Festive looking won.  Throw in some garlic while it cooks if you are as anti-vampire as I.  Then, drain and rinse to cool to room temperature.

Start dicing up your vegetable drawer.  I added zucchini, celery, bell peppers, onions, broccoli, and califlower.  I could see also adding cucumber, tomatoes, carrots, but my bowl was already overflowing so I skipped the rest.  I think about half the bowl was pasta and the other half was veggie.

Now the good stuff that makes it pasta salad-y instead of a bowl of veggies and carbs.  Add a small can of sliced black olives, a good few forkfuls of green olives, and a few big pinches of crumbled feta.  Mix that in.  Then, spice it up!  I added our generic “Italian Seasoning”, some parsley, and some pepper (my italian dressing already had a lot going on with it, I didn’t need much more).  I had an audience that I wanted to keep things kinda mild for, or I would have rocked the crushed red pepper.  Then, add about 1/4 bottle of italian dressing.  I used the fat free kind I usually use on a salad.  I would suggest using something that you would consider eating with some lettuce and dressing because you *will* taste it.  Mix that in.  Chill overnight if you can stand the suspense because the dressing soaks in and tastes super yummy.

Lowfat Dill-Ranch Potato Salad:

This is one of my potluck summer staples.  It’s nice and light while still tasting like you’re eating something naughty-sauce.  It’s a little higher calorie than the pasta stuff but still kills a potato salad craving for about 1/2 the calories.  It’s a little trickier too, but with a little practice you’ll get the hang of doing the ‘taters right.

First, chop up 4 red potatoes into what I’ll call home fry size pieces.  From the picture, you can see how big they are relative to the olives, and these were normal “sliced in the can” ones so they are pretty much standard size.  Put the taters in a pot with some garlic (or not, but it was yummy), and bring to a boil.  Then, put it on simmer and check once every 5 minutes at least.  To check, pick up a chunk of tater and gently prod it.  Once it is no longer hard but squishes a bit (err on the side off too done if you must, it’s better to have a bit of mush then raw taters), turn off the heat and drain them and rinse them to cool the spuds down (I think it took 45 mins total to do this).

Then, the rest.  Chop up 5 stalks of celery and add to the taters.  This makes it a pretty good mix of veggie and starch, as you can see the celery is holding it’s own in the bowl along with the spuds, unlike most potato salads which feature a crunch of celery (if that) every few bites.  Dump a small can of black olives in the mix, and chop half a bunch of green onion and about a quarter of a large red onion and add those too.

Now, seasoning time.  Add a hefty amount of dill (you really want to taste it, it goes GREAT with the other flavors) and a little less rosemary, parsley, and pepper.  Mix it around, and you should see seasony goodness on each tater chunk.  Then, the glue – add about 6-8 tbps of light ranch.  I didn’t actually measure, I poured a little and mixed and poured and mixed until it had a good coating but wasn’t dripping.  Next time I think I could use a little less, but just a *little*.  That made about half a punchbowl full, and while I’m a little fuzzier on the calorie count, it had to be less than 1000.   It made about 8-10 good side dishes out of it, so at worst we’re looking 125 calories.  And that’s probably a good 1/4 plateful.

Coleslaw:

This was Zliten’s doing, so I’ll keep it short.  Chop head of cabbage.  Grate a carrot.  Add about 6-8 tpbs storebought coleslaw dressing (about 150 calories per 2 tbps).  Mix with pepper.  Enjoy!

I loved them all, but the winner is the pasta/veggie.  I am still having dreams about that stuff.  This is what it made me do:

Hope everyone had a good 4th (or a good weekend if you live in any other country)!  So – make me hungry.  What’s the yummiest thing you’ve ever made/brought to a cookout?

And then, after yesterday’s mope session, I found this site surfing through blogs.  Besides being in your face, bluntly honest, and truthful, it reminded me of something important.

I used to weigh 265 lbs.  I don’t think I’ve posted one of my worst pictures yet on here, so let me refrain from better judgment and go ahead and paste more fat pictures of myself around the internet.

It’s hard to remember a typical day but let me go ahead and try.  I would wake up in the morning, tired as all get out, because I snored really badly and didn’t sleep well.  My back and ankles and knees often hurt.  I would look in the mirror and not really recognize who was there.  I’d grab a huge energy drink and drag myself off to work.  People knew not to really bug me until after lunch because I was barely coherent (which wasn’t at all a detriment to my job, because I worked until ungodly hours of the night to make up for it).  I’d duck out of the office around noon STARVING because I hadn’t eaten yet, and ingest typically 1000+ calorie lunches that made me sleepy.  I’d work the rest of the afternoon into the night, drinking coffee and caffeinated diet soda all day to keep me going and ingesting another 1000+ calorie infusion around dinner time, plus a drink or 3 or 10 almost nightly while playing games/working from home/watching TV.  A successful weekend was one where I didn’t leave the house or have to get dressed.

Just plodding around on my feet was tiring.  I didn’t like doing anything active because it was just exhausting.  I missed out on a lot of awesome San Diego things simply because I was too fat and lazy to enjoy them.   The only exercise I really enjoyed was DDR, because I could do it in my “uniform” (skirt and tank top).  Changing into pants to go to the gym or walk around was uncomfortable.  I enjoyed cruise vacations because everything else involved too much walking.  I didn’t want to admit it, but my life was governed by the fact that I wasn’t in great shape.  I had convinced myself I had just grown out of enjoying physically active things, but the truth was, they were just painful and scary because I was so big.

I went between wanting to change (and falling asleep crying because I felt so powerless) and deciding I didn’t care, I was going to put my career first and deal with it later, but I was never HAPPY with my appearance.  I’d have my feeling cute days, but they were few and far between.  I tried a few times, but nothing ever stuck.  I didn’t approach it sensibly, with the attitude that I had to have a whole mental paradigm shift.  I would decide it was salads and celery for me, and back to the gym I went.  It would last for a few days and I’d be so sick of it and have a bad day and eat a cheeseburger and fries and skip the gym and then get so guilt ridden and angry at myself that I was weak and didn’t deserve to be skinny and just give up.

The Anti-Jared said that the movie Click brought him to tears.  It also elicited a very emotional response, that while it wasn’t tied to my weight per se, it did start me moving in the right direction and headspace to move away from 100% focus on work to actually tending to other aspects of my life.  I try to make sure I have fun and eventful things to do often enough that I don’t feel like I’m fast forwarding to some cool thing in the future.  I can list at least a half dozen things I did in the last week that weren’t “just what I do every night”.  We used to have to really try to do one of those a month.  Not weight-related again per se, but it’s easier to go to dance lessons and roller skating and biking and swimming when you’re in shape.

Now, this is how I roll.  Small difference in 2.5 years, eh?

Yeah, so I might have indulged a little bit this weekend.  Yeah, the scale might have shown a scary number yesterday.  Yeah, I might be a little angry at myself for twisting my ankle so I have to lay off the poundypoundy.  However, I am no longer obese.  This body has taken me through a 13.1 mile race (as well as other shorter faster ones).  It can skate and climb and dance and bike and swim and springboard dive and – well, other things I’m sure I have yet to try and can’t wait to discover.  It has energy for days and days.  I can walk into any store and pick something up and it will fit me.  I look hot in a wedding dress (and even a REAL wedding dress, which I had no confidence in at all), which was the first motivation behind starting the weight loss THEN and having a goal.  I was not going to bother having a wedding if I looked fat in all the pictures.

So the last 15-20 lbs – it will come off when it’s time.  I’m feeling a bit like I did during those times when I had all those false starts before 2007, but it’s different.  This weight is not effecting my quality of life, it’s totally vanity (unless my doctor tells me to lose weight, I don’t think being less than 5 lbs overweight by BMI is a big deal).  Also, I’m not giving in like I have in the past.  How can I?  I can either continue to eat the way I do and maintain my weight which does not suck at all, or I can give a little extra and start chipping away.  Giving up before meant going back to living the way I did, and that isn’t gonna happen.

These are all the thoughts I had last night, and after a nice, healthy day of eating under my belt and a good night’s sleep, I woke up to 153.4.  Not my low weight, yeah, but somehow my body saw fit to shed 3.4 lbs.  I’ll take it, and continue to see what progress I can make with the rest of my week.  I’m sure I’ll get crazy again in the future, but it’s always nice to be reminded how far I’ve come, because it puts into perspective how little I have left to go, and how much less significant it is to even get there.

Since the race, I’ve been very… moody about my physique. Since I’m not currently pursuing a higher goal, I’ve found that I’ve fallen back on being critical about my progress (or lack thereof) with weight loss. People keep giving me the eye roll when I talk about it IRL, because apparently I’m not chunky enough to worry about it, or something, but the truth is – I really want to finish what I’ve started. I’m almost there. It’s not even the number on the scale, because if 150 meant looking in the mirror and not seeing that damn stomach pooch, I would be all about it. I’ve never been attached to a specific number, but a specific image. Maybe not even an image but a feeling…

The odd thing is I’ve never been my current goal weight (135), not that I can remember at least. I pretty much gained about 25 lbs overnight when I quit gymnastics. And I was pretty happy there until it became 35 then 50 then 100 then 125. However, 150 then had a lot less tummy than 150 now. And (for better or for worse) much less shoulders/chest. Legs – still hot. Arms – probably look better now. Neck – still never gonna be one of those elegant swan necks, but at least looks strong and powerful. Chin – single. I am aware that I have many great physical assets, even at my weight now. But it’s the jiggly tummy bits and the overall size of my top half that drives me bonkers.

The thing that’s also driving me bonkers is the damn weight just doesn’t want to come off. Actually, that’s unfair. I am finding myself unwilling to make the effort and sacrifices to make the weight come off. Well, ok, it’s a combination of a lot of things. I do not understand how an average of 1500-1600 calories per day + 3000-4000 calories burnt per week is not resulting in any loss whatsoever. I do not understand how 2 days of controlled indulgence (aka, not more than normal) made me gain 4.8 lbs this weekend, topping out at a ridiculous 156.8 lbs this morning.  What I do understand is it’s NOT, so I need to do more (or really in this case, do less eating). I know I lose at 1200-1300 calories a day, at least for a while. However, I am MISERABLE doing it, and it doesn’t feel right. I can push through miserable for a while, but at what cost?

The other avenue I’m considering is shaking up my food intake in another way – trying the whole “clean eating” thing for a while. Or giving up bad carbs. Or whatever else is out there that supposedly makes people lose weight. I don’t want to. I’ve been very happy that I’ve been able to successfully lose weight without being a social reject about it, and just watching my portions. However, something is not working anymore with that, and I gotta figure out what to do about it. Or not. I guess I could stay in this limbo here where I’m healthy but not completely happy, and forever chase that last 15 lbs. But the whole point was to finish, be done, and then for once in my life not want to lose weight.

The good news is that I had a fantastic moment of feeling comfortable in my skin this weekend. On the 4th we were at a BBQ and we were clued in that there would be a kiddie pool, so I brought my suit just in case. It was 101 degrees outside that day, so near the peak hot point of the day, I decided to put my feet in. Then, that felt way too good so I put on my suit and put my whole body in. When I got out, I just didn’t feel like changing out of it. I spent the whole day and most of the evening in my suit. With a pretty decent size group of friends. I was pretty proud of myself there – I never shied away from the water and swimsuits even when I was heavy, but there was no unnecessary lounging – after getting out, I would change right away. I mean, it was a one piece, it’s a long road to do that in a bikini, if ever, but it was a major step.

Then, after a great day, I went and twisted my ankle. I was being dumb walking home and spinning around in the street and tripped (alcohol may have been involved) and now if I know what’s good for me, no running or DDR for a few days to a week. Which is also not helping any of these image/mental issues at all. So this weekend was the best of times, and the worst of times. I just need to sort out in my head where I want to be, and what I am willing to give up to get there.