Week 4: In Creeps The Doubt

I’m feeling a little mentally thin, y’all.

I’m sure I’ve got nothing on half the people in this world, and it’s a lot of GOOD THINGStm, but there’s been a lot to this January 2013.

• My stupid fucking cranky heel.  I think (hopehopehope) I’ve resolved this by getting new shoes (NOT Asics, after running in Asics just fine for 5 years) because apparently I pronate now (after not pronating for 5 years).  However, I cranked up the treaddy pretty fast to test them out on Friday, and running in a bunch of different shoes + that + some time in regular shoes (that were just fine 2 months ago :P) on Thursday = ouchy heel again.  I got out Saturday morning to test them out and they felt AWESOME, but I cut it at 1 mile walking and 1.5 miles running and my heel felt fine during, but obnoxious after.  FFS, I ran a marathon in November.  Now, I’m pegged at a mile and a half run at 12 minute miles.  Way to make me feel like a wuss, body.
• Work stuff.  Don’t really want to go into it, but it’s a factor.  I think part of it is now the way of signed, sealed, and delivered, but there is still a lot of uncertainty.  Stretching.  Being confident in the face of trying to be something more.  And realizing that it may not work out in any way shape or form.  This stuff is exciting, wonderful, stressful, and horrible for me.
• Goals.  Things beyond racing, staying healthy to race, and training.  Being well rounded is WAY more work than it’s cut out to be, when you are not, in fact, good at being well rounded.  When you are good at being mega-manical at what your passion is, it’s tough to focus elsewhere and realize it’s for good and not just a distraction and frivolity.
• Heart rate training.  Awesome for biking because it pushes me on the trainer, but holy crap, making me feel like a noob runner again.
• 3 bikes, 3 runs, 3 swims, 2 weights.  They may be short, but it does feel like a LOT of training.  My workout hamper is way fuller at the end of the week than my regular one, and it’s only prep month!
• Getting accustomed to another way of thinking of fueling.  Again, GOOD STUFF, but it’s taking a lot of pre-planning and different.  Different is stressful.  Also, different in a way that is not taking weight off quickly which I was hoping for in a very bad way.
• Between stress and allergies, I’m not sleeping well.  For someone who regularly passes out cold and wakes up 8-9 hours later, I’m not coping well with this.
• I would really really really really really really like the scale to cooperate a little more than it is even if I am making progress elsewhere. 185 is NOT AN OK SET POINT BODY.  I’m back to eating good things and training again, you can go ahead and start shedding the lbs now, thanks.

It’s not to say I haven’t been here before.  I could barely run 5 miles June of ’11, when I made my push to take back the summer.  I’ve taken weeks off running to heal an injury.  In August, I was forced to take a day off due to an emergency, and the thought of “OMG is so and so ok” was just barely above “OMG thank the dear fluffy lord I have an excuse to take a day off”.  I’ve changed up my diet before.  I’ve gone through work stress.

But fucked if this has not all quite happened at exactly the same fucking time.  While I’m also trying to achieve some balance in my life which is more stressful than one might think.

So, in creeps the doubt.  Is this it?  Can I top my accomplishments last year?  Can the dominos fall my way yet again?  Will I die of exhaustion?  Will my body fail me?

Each time, I find my way.  The endurance comes back.  My body relearns what it was to be awesome.  My mind wraps itself around the task at hand and goes forth to conquer.

But each time, before that, I feel so far away I just can’t fathom being back there.

Peaks and valleys.  Late summer and fall, I was standing on top of a big fucking mountain.  I couldn’t imagine lacking the endurance to bust out a 50 mile bike or a 15 mile run or a 4 hour brick.  I completed a half ironman and was back training in 2 days.  I ran a marathon and just wanted to run more.  That was just life.  I was fucking unstoppable.

Now, I’m fragile. I started feeling that way ever since I met my bicycle accident lawyer for the accident I was involved in, a couple of years back. No injuries last year, high (for me) volume.  Now, I have a failing heel and my running sucks and the only thing I can post PRs at is in the weight room (and believe me, that is one thing that is making me sane and sticking with it – lifting super heavy low reps is sorta fun) and the weight won’t come off and there is very little about right now that makes me feel like a bad ass.  At no point last year did I not feel like I could bust out a half marathon and today I would be lucky to run a 10k, and it certainly would be below marathon pace right now.

It makes me regret taking an offseason, but I think the promise of an offseason got me through the crazy of Aug-Nov.  I figured I’d be coming back stronger.  This sure doesn’t feel stronger.

I know it’s just about investing in the plan and plugging away.  There is no way eating good food and training consistently will not get me back there.   I was just hoping I’d feel a little less “herp derp I promise I am actually a runner for reals, and there are muscles under this, and I swear I don’t just eat cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes” sooner.  And I don’t.   And it sucks.

So, getting that rant out of the way, here’s the deets…

 Food:

Everyone, my diet quality scores were OFF THE HOOK this week.

Monday: 30
Tuesday: 31
Wednesday: 28
Thursday: 26
Friday: 28
Saturday: 21
Sunday: 28

This is the one of the worst things I ate last week, simply because it’s not “whole grain” but I do love me a kebap full of veggies, chicken, and yogurt sauce!

Average? 27.4.  Huge!  When I decide I’m going to eat all the right things and plan it out, I can do it.  And honestly, when you eat all the right things, there’s just not much drive or desire to eat many wrong things.  I splurged on a sweet on Friday and Sunday, and had a few drinks on Thursday and Saturday (and I may have had 1/3 of a cinnamon roll that I called an “ergogenic aid” since it was right before a bike ride, but still…).  I STILL didn’t have a day under 20.

This is exactly the way I need to keep eating to give this diet quality hotness a good test.

Average calories: 2035 (~75 less than last week).  It would have been more like 1900 except Saturday was a whole lot of calories (eating a few of the wrong things + the right things + lots of training fuel = ~2700)

Weight: lowest 183.2, highest 186.4

This week’s weight will be blown all to hell because of it being that happy special sucky time of the month, but I’m keeping up with the planning and diet quality maxing, and hoping for greatness.

Workouts:

Monday: Weights: 3×22… 200 lb* leg press, 50 lb pulldown, 115 lb squats, 20 lb dumbbell chest press, 65 lb* rows, 90 lb calf raises, and 3×25 situps w/10 lb plate w/twist.  Swim: 1200m in 30 mins.
Tuesday: Trainer: 11.78 miles in 30 mins.  Run: 3.1 miles in 37:45.
Wednesday: Weights: same as above but 3×25 of everything.  Swim: 1200m in 30 mins.
Thursday: Trainer: 11.05 miles in 30 mins (did some 1 leg drills that slowed me down a bit). Run: .8 miles of heel fail, then elliptical for 20 mins.
Friday: off
Saturday: Run: 1 mile walk, 1.5 mile run in 37 mins.  Swim: 990m in 22 mins. Outdoor bike: 12.17 miles in 46:45.
Sunday: off

Weights are fun guys!  Can’t you see the happy look on my face?

As you can see, all that speed on the trainer?  Translates almost nothing to outside.  Yet.  I think I’ve forgotten what it is to not just ride consistent speed/effort, so it will take a bit to bring up that number (though – when I was actually working on being fast, those loops were about 17 mph, so that’s something for the first ride of the year, especially when my bike has somehow gained about 10 lbs since tri season).  It’s now time to start working the resistance and speed and pushing some zone 3 HR on the trainer so I can remember what it feels like to hurt on the bike again.  Considering our first 70.3 is supposed to be super hilly and hard, it’s time to get back to the pain.

Let’s just not talk about running this week.  It just makes me sad.  At least I got those new shoes and my heel is feeling better and I think I may be able to run on it tomorrow.

Swimming has actually been my favorite lately.  Things keep clicking.  “Oh, fingers together and pushing the water!  Holy crap!” “Really extending my shoulders!  Shut up, that feels GREAT!”  And after I get my upper body in line and start thinking about my legs, they actually start doing the right thing as well.  I’m working on some breath work now (5 strokes to breathe, then 7) and that’s feeling awesome too.  Maybe I’ll just quit triathlon and work on becoming an awesome swimmer… kidding…

Weights have also been cool.  Accomplishments!  Wheee!  I am actually sad to see this phase end because I felt like I was making great strides with it, but now it’s time to transition to REALLY lift heavy.  Exciting stuff.

Next week we up the intensity just a little with some efforts allowed into zone 3, some gentle speedwork (very short sprints or strides), and some drill work on the trainer and with the runs.  Looking forward to it.  We add just a little time overall.  Prep time is over.  Time to begin the climb of the build.

Other Stuff I Have Done:

Not much actually.  I finally got some downtime and spent all day in bed just relaxing and it was everything I wanted out of a Sunday after hours of Run! Swim! Appointment!  Lunch! Bike! Cook!  Party! on Saturday.  I feel about halfway recharged.  Today’s 15 hour work day isn’t going to help things, but I really think of the bad state I could be in if I didn’t just lounge yesterday, and am happy I did it.

So yeah.  A little bit of the messy middle right here on display.  I’m sure I’ll look back and think how silly I was in a few months, but right now?  Yeah, right down in it.

Question of the week: What is NOT going right for you right now? Misery loves company.  What are you doing about it?