Adjusted Reality

Tag: day job Page 2 of 3

Barbarians In Past Lives

On September 2, 2009

I hate when I have to be vague about things that happen in my life, but this is one of those times. I have some potentially awesome stuff in my future, but I have to be incredibly tight lipped about it for a long ass time. However, I alone own the emotions it is making me feel and memories I’m reflecting on, so I’ll talk about that instead.

One reason I started this blog was to become more comfortable with being honest and open on the internet. And, because I missed having a soapbox to stand on. As I said before, I am this weird combination of naive and trusting in a way that is totally not beneficial. I’ll open up and talk about my pooping habits but then flinch about talking about something totally random that shouldn’t make any difference. In another life and time a few years ago I was a bit of a big deal (not really) to a couple tens of thousands of people as the face of a game as Sapphyra, the big and brawny barbarian warrior with red hair and a bit of a penchant for drinking and beating people up. So pretty much, it wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the haircolor.

I was completely and totally ok being open about things in the game I probably shouldn’t have (hindsight is 20/20), but totally freaked out if someone posted anything REAL about me. I would have removed all pictures of me if I could have thought of any excuse to do so. Possibly because I was 200 goddamn million lbs and insecure about it, but I also felt like there should be a separation between the online me and the real me. When I walked out (amicably) of SOE over 2 years ago, I left a gigantic part of me behind. One of the people that played the game finally found me on twitter (hi Ronson!) but for the most part, I severed ties with that life. I always meant to put breadcrumbs out there to lead people to my next title, but the were extremely well hidden. If you make it through the first world of the game I shipped last year, you’d see it, as I named a tower after myself (as well as some items).

I miss those people in EQOA-world. I miss being a bit of an internet celebrity, as stupid as it sounds. I wish I would have let some of the cooler people in a bit more. I always felt like a little bit of an artifical wall was necessary. I wish I would have established myself with an identity I could take away and not let everything sort of die in a fire when I left. While the last 2 years has done wonders to my waistline, and I’ve accepted work was on the back burner due to my priorities elsewhere (operation: deporkify), my position in at my company (non-creative managerial), and the economy and personal circumstances (couldn’t just go out and grab my dream job, even if I wanted to leave the company I’m at), I have longed for something closer to what I used to do. With better hours, better pay, the actual title bump, and in a town I could afford actual real estate without winning the lotto, of course.

Now, it looks like I mightcouldpossiblyitsybitsychance could have at least some of that. It is now time to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds and get to work. So that I shall. I spent a long time thinking that I had blown my shot to do something great by leaving that barbarian behind, but I find myself about to potentially step into something just as cool if not cooler. I just had to wait for the right time. Now, I just have to not screw up.

Overcompensation?

By Quix

On August 18, 2009

In Uncategorized

Things are still about 85% cuh-ray-zee at work but wanted to check in and make sure y’all knew I wasn’t going off the grid here. Hopefully I can resume a semi-normal posting schedule soon but hey, what IS a normal posting schedule up in here? I was aiming for at least M/W/F. Oh well. I am here now, and should probably stop wasting precious words blathering about posting in my post. Oooh, recursive.

Anyhoo, a recap of last week, and what’s shaking in Quix-life this week.

Last Week Wrap Up:

Hello, dinner course on Sunday. Dont you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, so dont judge me (too much).

Hey there, dinner course, you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, don't judge (too much).

Last week, I ate an average of 1825 calories tracked per day. I’m going to go ahead and tack on an extra 100 per day with the nibble of this, sip of that habit I have and say 1925. This was not on accident. Iput things in my mouth such as an 800 calorie sandwich, 3 servings of potato/corn chips in ONE DAY (and with dip), a sugary alcoholic beverage or 2, and a 3 course filet and crab meal dripping with butter. So much for after-vacation repentantance, huh?

However, I increased my activity. Instead of my 417 per day I aimed to burn, I was all the way up at 742. I did 6 full workout days with at least 30 mins moderate/intense cardio on 5 of them. I did 3 full weights sessions. It was a good workout week.

1925 – 742 = 1183 calories. Oops. Considering I should be ingesting just over 2000 calories to sit on my butt all day, that might be a little too much of a deficit. 1000 calories is the absolute line, but 800 calories per day is pretty close. Before I added up the numbers, I was thinking “geez, why did I eat so much, I had a horrible week, I should have busted my butt in the gym more…etc”. It’s becoming apparent that I must have mistreated my body during half training if I feel like I’m eating too much NOW when I’m training way less. Next time I will track food but it will probably be a matter of making myself eat more healthy food than I feel like I should.

This week the goal is a little LESS food and a little LESS workouts. I’d like to bring the ratio to 750 or less also (that is, in theory, 1.5 lbs lost in a week).

The zone ratio this week – epic fail. Closest I got was 27/26/47 and the weirest ones were 6/19/63 or 12/50/38. I don’t think it’s in the cards anytime soon for me to eat 40/30/30 effortlessly, but it’s not a horrible idea to work towards it, the way I naturally eat is very carb heavy because I love my fruits and veggies and starches and think meat should be used in between bread/tortillas/etc or on top of salads, stir fries, curries, etc. I love beef jerky and turkey pepperoni as snacks, and it feels rather sinful to mow down almonds and pistachios, but I find that while I’m satisfied, I’m not satiated and want something carby with it as well. It’s all about finding a balance.

Last week’s high weight was 157.6 and last week’s lowest weight was 154.6. I’m going to start tracking both.

Non-Obsessive Fitness Related Stuff:

As for the other stuff in this here post, things have mostly resolved themselves. Zliten got his offer letter today and starts on August 31st. The salary, though not the ridiculous money he was making before, is better than expected so that’s a bonus! It is a relief and came just in time. It will suck a bit to have to wait about 1 month to get a second income coming in so the savings will take a small hit, but considering it’s temporary – I can’t complain. And we can finally work to replensh it after that!

The work stuff – while there are still fires burning, things are settling down well. Coming in at this stage of a project is actually nice because I’m more involved and can contribute to the direction, instead of just feeling like a secratary while the big boys get to play. It’s nice. It’s – as always- a work in progress I’ll have to keep vigilant about, but I think this is going to be a good learning experience here for me instead of a disaster, which my initial reaction was last week.

What Now?

This week, she is a busy one. I’m plowing through insane amounts of documents at work (trying to archive 3 years worth of stuff). I posted my second best mile time EVAR today at 8 minutes flat. I could have done it in less time (I wasn’t completely wasted after), but I miscalculated (I start slower at the beginning and then work up – so while I should have started around 8:15ish I started at 8:30 pace). Next time! Today we are going out after work for the August Yelp Elite party (organic BBQ and organic Vodka and live music? Yes plz!) and going to pop the champagne and celebrate Zliten’s jobiness.

Then – it’s all wedding all the time. 47 days until it. Yikes! We are working on registry stuff at Penney’s,

These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

Target, and Amazon. You’d be surprised how hard it is to do this – I decide, “Ok, I want some luggage.” Then it takes me an hour to pick out the one piece I want and read reviews and such. Zliten during this time has added 40 things. So it’s been a long, slow process.

Sunday, I was fortunate enough to find shoes. They were cute, comfortable, and on sale. Now, I’m crossing my fingers that they match the dress and we’re solid. I also grabbed some silk flowers from the craft store and am trying to wrap my head around how I want them in my hair. I’m hoping to make them myself because they are so freaking expensive online. Clip+silk flower != 50 bucks in my world. I have a bracelet, I need a necklace and earrings, spanx, and am looking for a tropical-ish brooch possibly to go on the front of the dress. I think I’ve nixed the veil idea although I wouldn’t mind something similar/in place of it. Maybe a colored, super short veil? Maybe I go with a flower crown and do ribbons? Lots to think about, but it’s getting put together. Next month we start talking with the site and getting all that dealt with – though they assured us they do tropical themed weddings all the time so it wouldn’t be a problem. Hope that’s as easy breezy as they say it will be.

Beyond that, I’m just going to try to get through the week alive and enjoy the ride. I miss your blogs, and hope to catch up on them soon. Any wedding tips? Doing something cool this week?

It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

By Quix

On August 14, 2009

In Uncategorized

Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

Since I’ve gotten back, it’s been an emotional and mental rollercoaster over here. The three pronged attack on my psyche has been:

A) A MAJOR shakeup at work. It started Tuesday morning and didn’t involve me, but happened all around me. I have gone from pleased to pissed to disappointed to feeling lost to feeling like a part of the team and back again. As the dust settles, I think things are going to work out alright. I just really need to stay on top of myself and not retreat when I feel like I’m being ignored or I’m not needed. I have been given permission to butt in on anything I need to, and once you give me permission – hoo boy, you better hope you meant it.

B) Going, as of Monday, to a truly one income household that doesn’t take enough in to pay the bills. As of the time of penning this, Zliten is currently camping his email box waiting to hear back about a promising interview. This is making life very tense this week. Essentially, if this falls through, it’s take-whatever-he-can-get mode which is not optimal in any way. It’s a really sad sign of the market when someone that has 4+ years in their position and 8 years in the game industry that has shipped more titles than everyone in his last interview COMBINED is a year unemployed and on pins and needles for a contract job paying probably about half what his last position paid.

C) The ridiculous reason – those 5 lbs. I know I deserved it because of the way I ate through NOLA with reckless abandon, but it still weighed heavily on my mood. I wrote up a ton of crazy emo thoughts and decided NOT to post them here. I’m glad I didn’t because while it was not ultimately unproductive to think and go through the emotions (it rarely is), it’s not something I needed help with or to share. It might help that I’m down 2 lbs today from my 157.6!!! but it’s also just accepting my fate. I am NOT going to give into the temptation to do 2 hours of intense cardio per day and eat like a bird. I am going to go back to my normal workout schedule and my normal intake of healthy foods. It might take 2 weeks to get back to where I was instead of a few days like normal, but it’s probably better for me.

So, instead of the whining I was going to do, I am going to post the lessons I’ve learned this week:

-Even if it feels self-indulgent, speak up and state my opinion, intentions, and desires. I am a big champion of communication flow, but I was waiting for members of my team to read my mind instead of speaking up about what was grinding my gears.

-Not everyone is looking for a way to screw me over, so I shouldn’t be paranoid, but sometimes it does happen, so I should stay aware. I am this strange combination of naive and distrusting, and it does me a disservice sometimes.

-Be confident. No real qualifier here. I have this real bad tendency to retreat into my comfort zone when things get rough and no one is pushing me (very much unlike my workouts), I need to say screw it and go storm castles when I need to.

-Save when you can, even if it seems silly. We would be in a world of hurt right now without a savings account. Always save some for a rainy day, and just hope you don’t need it.

-The grass is always greener. Right when Zliten got laid off, I was extremely a little jealous. I was badly burnt out and thought I needed some extended time off. After a year, I am, even on stressful days, reasonably glad to be employed rather than sitting at home.

-Go crazy on vacations, but not so crazy. Going out of town does not empower you to eat fried foods at every meal and not gain weight (and not even scale related, I felt like CRAP this week, my body is working out all the ick). Moderately crazy is better.

-The actual losing weight thing that is the root of the problem? Still figuring it out. It is going to be a fucking long hard road to get from 150-something to 1-2/3/4-something that makes me content. I am going to get pissed and frustrated and lost and confused and want to cry about it but you know what? That is what it is. I am allowed to be upset and grumpy about things sometimes. I do not have to accept it. I can be dissatisfied with myself without losing my self worth. I have to remember that last part though. I may not be happy I gained weight, but I don’t lose the ability to call myself a fit and healthy person simply because the scale climbed over 155.

That is all, campers. Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you bright and shiny Monday with more words about another topic. Funny how that works. What did you learn this week? Any tough times you want to vent about? Come lay down on the couch and I’ll get out the notepad…

Resolution Round Up

By Quix

On July 31, 2009

In Uncategorized

So considering the year is half over (or over half over, as I had INTENDED to post this closer to July 1st rather than July 31st), I figure I should do a little bit of project management on myself and see how this year is shaping up. I believe dietgirl was the ohwise Guru who posted this in a more timely manner. I’m glad I’m finally getting around to it though…

Here are 2009’s Resolutions…

1. Body: Will continue to eat in a manner that is mostly healthy as I do now and improve when I can, continue improving my fitness, and work on reaching my goal weight, whatever that ends up being, in 2009. While I’ll always work on improving my muscles and endurance, I’d like to get to the point where the scale is just a double check a few times a week that I’m not way off track, and food journals are a thing of the past, by the end of 2009.

Yeah, I would like to say I was done. I think I’m close, but I just can’t seem to find the secret sauce formula that gets my weight going downdowndown again. However, I am definitely a healthier eater and person in general than I was at the start of the year. I’ve cut down a heck of a lot on my nicotine consumption (I regularly go days without it and barely notice until I get a random craving or it’s party time). I’ve cut down my alcohol intake. I regularly sleep 7-8 hours per day and wake in the mornings without too much complaint. I went from 6 miles max to running a half marathon. I’m whittling down my 5k time. I’m increasing my weights/reps/pushup counts. The pullup still eludes me but I’m ever so close.

I think the “problem” is I’m getting a healthier attitude about it all. It frustrates me to no end some days, but I care so much less about the scale than my running times and how dance class is going and if I’ve gotten my fruits and veggies for the day. I think I look and I know I feel pretty awesome and as long as I keep up what I’m doing, I’ll just keep slowly and steadily looking and feeling awesome-r.

2. Fitness: I will do at least one new exercise-y thing a month. This cannot include running, DDR, yoga, traditional weights, or Cybil the arc trainer. By the end of the year, I would like to transition 1-2 days per week to something like dance classes or volleyball or some other competitive sport OR seriously start training distance running/triathalons. By my 30th birthday, I need to pick ONE of these to focus on and concentrate on it (and make ancillary resolutions/goals based on what I pick). I guess what I’m trying to say is to start working out for a reason that is not just to make the scale go down.

Oh yeah, can you say knocked this out of the park? I would be going nuts without a non-scale goal. Maybe the problem is I am too focused on the non-scale stuff so the scale feels ignored? Heh. Poor scale. You have so much less power over me than you used to. I’m pretty sure the entire internet by now knows that I ran a half marathon. I’m also rockin’ the partner dance classes this month and discovered Zumba = love. I even got the courage to do some crazy moves on the roller skating floor and throw a one-and-a-half off the diving board. Between the impending relay/5k in September and half marathon #2 training starting after the wedding, I am super happy with my progress here.

3. Soul: I will pick something creative and establish a plan by my birthday to complete a concrete goal by the end of the year. Decide if I’m going to pursue writing (maybe actually giving a novel or book of some sort a go), songwriting/recording, pick up drawing/painting again, acting, or work on selling my necklaces. Maybe take up web design and flesh out this site into a pretty one like I used to do and really give blogging a go beyond just using this for personal theraputic purposes. Realize that I need to pick ONE of these and focus on it or I’ll feel as lost as I did in 2008.

Well, here is a neglected part of my life this year. I have blogged a lot though, so I’ll call that a bit of success. Between the wedding planning/being active I just haven’t had much time. I thought summer would cure the incessant need to be outside and playing but it’s just taken the playing indoors. Dance lessons are pretty creative though, no? Perhaps? Errr…yeah.

Also, the purpose of this resolution was to solve the fact that I was creatively frustrated at work. This year, I got a bit of creativity added back into my tasks, so I didn’t feel so punishingly left-brained all the damn time. I still would like to find a not-directly-fitness creative thing to do though… I miss my artsy side.

4. Get married sometime this year! That’s about all there is to say on this one…

Well, I’m not married yet but the invites are out, dresses purchased, and venue booked. It’s getting close….

5. Allow work to be on the back burner one more year. Of course, be open and receptive to any wonderful opportunities that fall into my lap, but work on enriching my personal life and hobbies instead of focusing on promotions, raises, extra responsibility, etc. Realize that having a 40 hour per week stable job right now that I can pretty much just leave at the office when I walk out the door is a blessing that is giving me opportunities to further the work on my body, fitness, and soul.

By the year, I am getting better and better about leaving work at work. The new move is potentially good for personal growth and perhaps later salary/position growth (but I’m being incredibly optimistic here). The climate out there is still pretty frigid so I definitely think I’m sticking where I’m at for a while and I don’t think I mind so much.

Other goals I made:

1. Run a 5k. Check.

2. Get a check up from a doctor. Eep. This is seriously on my to-do list. Like next. After booking vacations. And wedding stuff. And/and/and… Someone reprimand me about this in the comments please. It’s been about 4 years.

3. Make 10 necklace/earring/bracelet sets and sell them on Etsy. Fail. I’ve made 4 necklaces. It just seems like so much time and effort for so little money return. And I just want to wear them instead! Argh. They are just sitting in a pile, sad and lonely. Maybe I’ll get here in the next year or 3.

How does the rest of the year look?

1. Not go crazy before I get married. Seriously, I just want to get through all the planning and family drama and craziness and go look cute in my dress and dance at my wedding before I have to show up there in a straightjacket. It’s not too bad right now but the possibility is there.

2. Pick the 2010 Jan/Feb half marathon I want to do and start training 3 months before to peak at the right time.

I think that’s about it for the big stuff, I really gotta contemplate the rest. What are your goals for the rest of the year? Wanna yell at me for slacking off on doctor check ups?

Friday cuteness by icanhascheezburger.com.

Blips On The Radar

By Quix

On July 28, 2009

In Uncategorized

So I have a moment to breathe. I should probably be working but I think a short update is in order and it’s lunchtime anyhoo.

Being that I have no idea who reads this, I don’t particularly want to air any specific dirty employment-related laundry. I’m happy to talk about my previous stint of being a total workaholic and how it mentally affected me, because that reflects on me. My feelings, my emotions, and my process of becoming a person again who is not only identified as my job title and game title all belong to me. It does not reflect on the management at SOE because I was given a wild amount of freedom to do with what I would. I could have worked my 40 hours, done my job, and went home, but I didn’t. I still don’t regret it because it was an amazing experience and a huge experiment in stretching and smashing my comfort zone, but I also don’t regret reclaiming my life.

What I won’t do is run previous coworkers under the bus in my blog. I would never talk professional smack about someone I crossed paths with at work. The games industry is too small and incestuous to do that. I’ve seen too many bridges burnt that caused major trouble in the future. There is a joke about the “form letter” that gaming people send out over email on their last day/week – it is required that you mention something about “you worked with the most talented and bright individuals” and “you hope to get a chance to work with them again”. When it came time to write mine about 2 years ago, it was absolutely true. I still wish I could fold some of the employees that worked for or with me into my team, and I definitely miss and respect some of the managers I worked for there.

This is a story that must leave out some of the juicy bits. Suffice it to say, I saw an ancillary communication that made me a little angry. I put it in my pocket though, because it was not directed to me. Essentially, it was the equivalent of seeing a facebook message from a friend to another saying “OMG you’re my best friend we have the most fun when we hang out, you’re the bestest person I know”. This leaves you thinking… “what about me, huh”? But who in their right mind can be truly offended by that, right? I have pretty thick skin so I just pretty much filed it under the “gee, I wonder what’s up with that” folder in my brain.

Wednesday, I come into work and got indirectly reprimanded for something for which I thought I was doing a fine job. If I hadn’t seen that little message above, I would have probably grumbled and shaken it off, but it actually sent me into a small tirade at my direct manager ranting. I don’t do tirades often, I’m pretty relaxed at work. I calmed down after a few minutes and then said I’ll do what I could to validate what I thought was a ridiculous and insulting request, but only to the point where it didn’t feel ridiculous and demeaning. Later that day, I found out I was moving teams.

At first I thought it to be a reflection of the management’s perception of the job I was doing, but it ended up being that the request I thought was insulting was simply DUE to the impending change (not the change DUE to the request, like I thought). It’s not that I needed babysitting (for a task I’ve been doing for years), which is what I thought the directive implied. So I went home a bit shaken – I was told at 4pm I was moving teams, and that it would start the next morning. I talked with my new boss all afternoon and got overloaded with facts and felt completely overwhelmed. Instead of dance lessons and relaxing, there was some whiskey and contemplation with my Zliten. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything but talk it out and think about it and lubricate my synapses with a bit of the sauce.

Why? Well, I fear change. Like I said before, I think my grass is pretty green. Even if it’s kinda yellow, who knows how brown it is over the hill? I prefer the evil I know. I like change in small, incremented, planned amounts, and initiated by ME. I don’t like ripping bandaids off. I can make some decisions that seem wild and crazy to the outside world, but believe you me… I’ve already, in my head, mentally tested the waters and have acclimated myself with the idea of something before I do it if I have any say in it. I wish sometimes to be one of those people who can make snap judgements and produce decisions at the drop of a hat, but I am just not that girl. I want to really mean something when I make a statement of intention, so I don’t make them lightly.

Needless to say, the first few days have been EXTREMELY busy getting up to speed and I actually have more to do over here. Couple that with some minor emergencies, new directives from the execs, and the fact that my boss is out on vacation this week (great timing, huh?)… makes for a wild first week. I assume things will return to a normal level of crazy soon, but for now between this and all the rest of the silliness that is my life, blogging might be a little bit more scarce.

I do have to say though – all in all, I’m liking it. I’m now on the new unannounced title so I get a chance to hone my skills shipping a game (I’ve previously pretty much specialized in live maintenance – aka expanding on a previously shipped game and updating it). I’m liking the team I work with. It seems a little more relaxed, while still being focused, which I’m happy with as well. I was specifically put in this position because of my experience with sound, which makes me happy because I’m working with sound more again and that’s been one of my favorite parts of my job this year. I think I’ll also be able to claim experience running a small sound department – and in Austin, audio production experience/management is totally fab to have on a resume. I’m sure I’ll find things about it that DON’T make me happy, but for now I’m calling it a win. I’ll reserve more judgement until later.

Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was doing ok – I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled ranting about this evil plateau and how I can’t bring myself to run in the morning when it’s over 80 degrees at 8am soon.

Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: day job Page 2 of 3

Barbarians In Past Lives

Overcompensation?

It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

Resolution Round Up

Blips On The Radar

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