Since I’ve gotten back, it’s been an emotional and mental rollercoaster over here. The three pronged attack on my psyche has been:
A) A MAJOR shakeup at work. It started Tuesday morning and didn’t involve me, but happened all around me. I have gone from pleased to pissed to disappointed to feeling lost to feeling like a part of the team and back again. As the dust settles, I think things are going to work out alright. I just really need to stay on top of myself and not retreat when I feel like I’m being ignored or I’m not needed. I have been given permission to butt in on anything I need to, and once you give me permission – hoo boy, you better hope you meant it.
B) Going, as of Monday, to a truly one income household that doesn’t take enough in to pay the bills. As of the time of penning this, Zliten is currently camping his email box waiting to hear back about a promising interview. This is making life very tense this week. Essentially, if this falls through, it’s take-whatever-he-can-get mode which is not optimal in any way. It’s a really sad sign of the market when someone that has 4+ years in their position and 8 years in the game industry that has shipped more titles than everyone in his last interview COMBINED is a year unemployed and on pins and needles for a contract job paying probably about half what his last position paid.
C) The ridiculous reason – those 5 lbs. I know I deserved it because of the way I ate through NOLA with reckless abandon, but it still weighed heavily on my mood. I wrote up a ton of crazy emo thoughts and decided NOT to post them here. I’m glad I didn’t because while it was not ultimately unproductive to think and go through the emotions (it rarely is), it’s not something I needed help with or to share. It might help that I’m down 2 lbs today from my 157.6!!! but it’s also just accepting my fate. I am NOT going to give into the temptation to do 2 hours of intense cardio per day and eat like a bird. I am going to go back to my normal workout schedule and my normal intake of healthy foods. It might take 2 weeks to get back to where I was instead of a few days like normal, but it’s probably better for me.
So, instead of the whining I was going to do, I am going to post the lessons I’ve learned this week:
-Even if it feels self-indulgent, speak up and state my opinion, intentions, and desires. I am a big champion of communication flow, but I was waiting for members of my team to read my mind instead of speaking up about what was grinding my gears.
-Not everyone is looking for a way to screw me over, so I shouldn’t be paranoid, but sometimes it does happen, so I should stay aware. I am this strange combination of naive and distrusting, and it does me a disservice sometimes.
-Be confident. No real qualifier here. I have this real bad tendency to retreat into my comfort zone when things get rough and no one is pushing me (very much unlike my workouts), I need to say screw it and go storm castles when I need to.
-Save when you can, even if it seems silly. We would be in a world of hurt right now without a savings account. Always save some for a rainy day, and just hope you don’t need it.
-The grass is always greener. Right when Zliten got laid off, I was extremely a little jealous. I was badly burnt out and thought I needed some extended time off. After a year, I am, even on stressful days, reasonably glad to be employed rather than sitting at home.
-Go crazy on vacations, but not so crazy. Going out of town does not empower you to eat fried foods at every meal and not gain weight (and not even scale related, I felt like CRAP this week, my body is working out all the ick). Moderately crazy is better.
-The actual losing weight thing that is the root of the problem? Still figuring it out. It is going to be a fucking long hard road to get from 150-something to 1-2/3/4-something that makes me content. I am going to get pissed and frustrated and lost and confused and want to cry about it but you know what? That is what it is. I am allowed to be upset and grumpy about things sometimes. I do not have to accept it. I can be dissatisfied with myself without losing my self worth. I have to remember that last part though. I may not be happy I gained weight, but I don’t lose the ability to call myself a fit and healthy person simply because the scale climbed over 155.
That is all, campers. Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you bright and shiny Monday with more words about another topic. Funny how that works. What did you learn this week? Any tough times you want to vent about? Come lay down on the couch and I’ll get out the notepad…