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8 reasons why being a prissy pants and a triathlete don’t mix

Triathlon is super fun and awesome, but it’s definitely not a world for someone who doesn’t like getting dirty.  Here are eight things you’ll have to get over if you want to triathlon.

A lovely long row of porta potties is a triathlete’s best friend around 6am race day…

#1 – Porta potties. You’re going to have to use them at some point.  They may not be QUITE as bad as the ones baking all day at an outdoor music festival but by the time the gun goes off, they’re usually pretty, erm, full and usually out of toilet paper.  Also, there’s not generally a place to wash your hands after.  That’s what the lake is for.

#2 – The gauntlet of urine, aka, the swim.  Speaking of the lake, the open water swim is definitely not for the weak of heart.  Besides the fact that you’re going to get hit, kicked, and shoved, you’ll also probably (accidentally) drink some of it.  And people have been peeing in there all day.  You might be swimming in a slipstream of pee at any point.

About to go swim in a lake with a non-zero amount of pee in it and I’m doing just fine, thanks!

#3 – Public indecency.  You’ll have to stick your hand down your pants to apply something called Deez Nutz or Hoohah Glide or Butt Butt’r before you bike and depending on how long you’re riding bikes, during it.  You’ll learn what a snot rocket is and how to properly do them without (regularly) getting boogers on yourself.  In the Ironman, you’ll get buck nekkid to change in front of hundreds of people in the changing tent.  If you have any modesty, go ahead and throw it out the window right now.

#4 – Anti-beauty queen. If you washed your hair every time you worked out, it would fall out.  So, get ready to accept SWEAT as a valid hair product.  Also, since you’re going to be showering at the gym (and at work) more than your house, you’ll need to keep your beauty routine short and to a minimum.  People will probably recognize you better with wet hair than dry hair after a while.

Laying in a park eating a cold cheese sandwich about 50 miles into a bike ride.  This is fine.

#5 -Jack’s utter lack of give-a-shit about appearances. You’ll get to the point where you just DO NOT CARE what you look like to anyone else.  Goggle eyes and looking like a drowned rat coming out of the swim.  Pain faces on the run.  I’ve laid down on the side of the road and shoved food in my mouth a non-zero amount of times in the last year.  You’ll walk into a restaurant sweaty in your clippy cloppy bike shoes, and full kit for a meal and a beer (though it helps to have your whole team with you there).  You’ll learn to own your spandex proudly even in inappropriate places.

#6 – Body problems.  You are going to have a lot of conversations about peeing, pooping, stomach aches, blisters, saddle sores, crotch pain, chafing, road rash, and probably other disgusting things that I haven’t even thought of.  I happily use the bathroom behind the bushes if need be.  Also, the likelihood is that sometime in your career, you’re going to poop your pants.  It’s not happened to me yet, but I’ve had a LOT of close calls so it’s probably going to happen someday.  I’ve made peace with this.

These will absolutely replace your Jimmy Choos.  Or in my case, the Shoe Carnival sale specials.

#7 – Say goodbye to cute shoes.  Heels will not be worth it anymore.  I have so many cute shoes that I just look at and sigh while I choose to wear either running shoes, flat super padded sandals, or flat boots on the daily because I cannot be arsed to walk around on sore and tired legs in anything that doesn’t feel like a pillow giving my feet a hug.

#8 – “She gets too hungry for dinner at 8”. Yep, Frankie is right.  It’s hard to coordinate meals with other people.  I need to eat, I need to eat a lot, and I need to eat right now, and I’m not going to be polite about it.  If you mess with any of these things, we’re probably going to need to have some words and you’ll see my nasty side.  Also, I’m going to be probably be picky about how healthy it is.  I want a giant side of vegetables, some whole grain options, and some protein that isn’t covered in a bunch of fat.  Unless I want the opposite of those things.  And that can flip at any moment depending on the weather, my training, or my whim.

The one thing I will never just “get over” though?  The early morning wakeups.  This priss needs her beauty sleep.

What have YOU given up for sport or fitness?

Ironman Vocabulary

I’ve trained for marathons and 70.3 races, but Ironman training is just a whole different animal.  I’ve even learned some new vocabulary words in the last month or two that I’d like to share with y’all.

Ready for a night on the town couch.

Swim pajamas – the clothes you wear either to or from swimming (or both) because you can’t be arsed to put on real clothes

Day off – just a 30 minute spin or swim.  And a weights session.  Oh, and stretching and foam rolling.

Light day – just a 30 minute spin, weights, and an hour easy run.  And stretching and foam rolling.

Doubles – two workouts a day, or a light day.

Triples – ah, that’s more normal (three workouts in a day).

Proof I don’t always wear race tees and spandex.

Dressing up – not wearing ALL spandex today

Really dressing up – my hair has no sweat in it since I have showered last, and I may or may not have actually brushed it.

Really, really dressing up – I have traded in my chapstick for lipstick.  The effort may or may not have killed me.

First snack – the snack you get while you’re making your real snack that will hold you over until your meal is ready.

Snack – something that other people would probably consider a meal, comes between first snack and mealtime.

Low Carb – only eating one source of carbs at a meal (a sandwich) instead of 3 (spaghetti with garlic bread and a brownie for dessert).

An appropriate amount of carbs during IM training… (just ignore the fat content…)

Second Meal – when you finish your dinner and track your calories and realize you need a whole extra meal or you’ll be in super huge calorie debt.

The window – the 30 minutes or less between your workout and eating.  Don’t fuck with the window.  Don’t fuck with a triathlete who is approaching the end of the window.  Best case: you’ll get snapped at.  Worst case: your finger will get snapped off.

Hangry – Hell hath no fury like a hungry triathlete.  Do not pass GO, do not collect 200$, go directly to a place which has calories available to consume.

Priorities – Having the energy to bike for 7 hours does not mean I also have the energy to leave the couch after or the next day (unless it’s for a recovery ride).

Recovery – The excuse I’m giving you as to why I’m not cleaning the house right now or going to your thing that does not involve swimming, biking, or running, and is really far away from my couch.

Workout room – A place to put all your triathlon gear.  Includes tri bike, road bike, cruiser bike, seven different helmets, ten bike tubes (some are flat and YOU TOTALLY WILL PATCH THEM LATER), a bike pump, a broken bike pump you haven’t thrown away yet, a smart trainer, a backup “dumb” trainer, a slightly janky treadmill that’s better than nothing in a pinch if there’s lightning literally striking your house repeatedly so you can’t go outside, a bunch of abandoned weights, all the bike tools, five pairs of leaky goggles that ARE JUST FINE IN THE POOL until you remember they really aren’t, 200 swim caps from races, four different single earplugs, three old backup garmins (that aren’t charged), two pairs of clip on aero bars, four yoga mats, three foam rollers, ten different flashy run and bike lights for night workouts, four wetsuits, and this nifty massager thing that you used once in 2012.

…and this is the AFTER picture, believe it or not…

Cooldown (optimal) – some easy effort for 10 mins and then 10 mins of stretching

Cooldown (time crunched) – walking to the shower still sweating and half assed stretches at your desk later.

Cooldown at a race – getting your medal, limping to the nearest curb, falling over and crying a little while trying to drink Gatorade.

D: <- this is the only caption I have for this face.

Fashion – look how my socks match my kit! See also #sockdoping

Shopping spree – ordering new running shoes a new bike kit and that really cool garmin you’ve been eyeing for months.

Shopping spree (alternate) – signing up for all the races.

#sockdoping – legal performance enhancing benefits via cycling in cool socks.

Laundry – one basket for workout clothes, one for regular clothes.  The workout clothes one fills up first, always.  Related: bike trainers make great extra drying racks.

Poor Death Star… so abused…

Optimal race hotel – close enough to walk to the race and has food and a bar within a block, aka limping distance.  Required: fridge and microwave for pre-race food and post race leftovers to eat when you wake up hangry again at 3am.

Pre race food – obnoxiously picked to be the perfect blend of carbs, protein, and has been tested and perfected over many many years to sit well in the stomach.

Post race food – my body is a fucking dumpster and I will fill it with EVERYTHING I can from the finish line to the restaurant to the bar to snacks later.

HTFU – my crotch hurts but I’m still getting on my bike for a recovery ride the day after a century because I hate my private parts and want to punish them.

#mfw riding bikes for a month straight.

Pain Free – nothing NEW hurts on me

Niggles – I’m three workouts away from a stress fracture

Injury – an appendage is LITERALLY off my body

Tired – this my normal condition daily on a good day

Exhausted – a little more tired than normal, aka, week 2 of a 3 week training block.

Knackered – I cannot understand how to make sense of the world and function right now, or most of week 3 of a 3 week training block.

Sore – Stairs and curbs are the mortal enemy of my soul.  Walking is hard.  Can you bend over and retrieve this sock for me?   …I better go for a swim/spin/easy jog to stretch things out.

Christmas Eve Talent Show

Thank you first of all to one of my favorite mayors of Blogville, MizFit, for organizing this.   You can check out some of the other talents here.  Now, on with the (freak) show.

So, as a 16-ish year old, I was on my way out of gymnastics but stopped to snap one last picture.

I was originally going to showcase my talent for ridiculous limericks, but realized today that that’s no fun at all.  Well, not as much fun.  I felt the need to step it up a notch.  So what does a pushing 31 ex-gymnastic do for a stupid blogger trick?  While training for a half marathon running like crazy with legs wound tightly like little metal coils?  Who has not worked on flexibility in years?

Try to recapture her youth 15 years later.  As MizFit would say, please to enjoy.  As Quix would say, please forgive the HORRIBLY unflattering outfit.  Thinking I was not.

And just to not dissapoint anyone who wanted a limerick –

There once was a girl named Quix
Who liked to write limericks
She tried a standing split
Then on the ground she did sit
And to console her, a drink she did fix

…yes, it is true, I did fall over right after the last one was snapped.  To quote Toby Keith, I ain’t as good as I once was, but once, I’m good as I ever was.

On that note, Happy Holidays from me, Zliten, and the leezards!

White Elephant Wrapup

Thus begins a week or two of mostly fluffy posts.  I’m kinda tired of digging in my head, scooping out my brains, and attempting to analyze the contents.  So, enjoy!

I think in attempts to get some holiday cheer (and humor) for a relatively low overhead, we attended not one, not two, but THREE white elephant parties.  We brought just about the same presents for each one (except the first, because it was 15-20 dollars, and present was only 10 – and it was my work one – so I didn’t want to look like a cheapskate and splurged on the 16 dollar DISCO BALL at Big Lots).

My present:

Zliten’s present:

For those of you who don’t know what a White Elephant gift exchange is – essentially you bring a silly present of some variety (hence, our gifts above).  Sometimes there is a dollar amount set, sometimes there isn’t.  You draw numbers and when it comes to your turn, you can choose to unwrap a new present, or steal one that has already been unwrapped.  Most often, the rules are the gift can be stolen 3 times before it’s out of play.  It’s a bunch of laughs, because you would never ever elsewise see grown humans fighting over a snuggie.

The first party was, as I said, at my work holiday party.  Near the end, we all converged around the stage and started the game.  I got a fairly early number, walked over and almost tripped and fell (just call me grace) and picked out a present.  I unwrapped it and HOLY FUCK it was a leopard print snuggie.  After a few glasses of wine, that was THE COOLEST PRESENT EVER in my eyes and I gave everyone the stinkeye if they looked around the room for things to steal.  It worked for a while.  Being the boss has its benefits.  However, someone got brave enough and purloined my snuggie right at the end (yes, a dude) and then one of the BIG bosses stole it.   Who knew that would be such a hot commodity?

Zliten ended up with a magnetic dartboard (that is soooo going to my office in the new year for some stress relief) and I ended up with a pretty ornament that’s now on the tree.  The guy that ended up with fake voltron wasn’t too happy but one of our artists loves the disco ball and it’s at his desk to annoy everyone at the office.

Next was a sponsored party at one of our favorite bars downtown (though we don’t go often cause it’s semi-pricey).  Open bar, sponsored goodies, an arts and crafts table, free hair styling and makeup refreshes, and of course, a table full of presents to pick from.  Some were from sponsors, and they were supposed to actually be pretty cool (some jewelry, gift certs, etc).  The rules were different (I mean, there were at least 100 people there) – you give a present, you take a present.  That’s all.  No steals, but consensual trades.

For a while, there was just too much to pick from so I waited and sipped on some free mint margaritas.  After a little bit, Zliten decided to be “that guy” and picked up the biggest, heaviest package on the table.  Here is the definition of literal.

Yes, Zliten picked the WHITE ELEPHANT (wearing a tutu, no less) at the white elephant party.  We ended up finding a seat and meeting some very cool people who want to be nerd friends with us.  They also ended up with Zliten’s robot and loved it.  Other presents around the table included a half eaten box of chocolate, embroidered christmas tree button covers, and then I realized I need to pick something as the present table had dwindled.  This is the gem I ended up with.  Here is the story:

…and the present:

Well, at least the next door neighbors have doggies, and can use the jerky.  Then, we proceeded to have a wild and crazy night.  Which ended way too late for a school night.  Which made the next day hell.  But hey, I went full holiday and looked festive.

The next last one was Saturday night, with a few friends.  This one was pretty low key, but the hilarity factor was definitely there.  Presents included a foot massager, some cheesy porn, a yanni CD, a sarcastic magic 8 ball and more.  Zliten picked early in and ended up with some cat figurines and cat food (which is ironic because ALL OF OUR friends have cats, and he is terribly allergic) and I ended up with a poop calendar.  Yeah, you got that right.  A POOP calendar.  Every month, a new poop.  It is SO going up in my office.  Also, the gnome and the robot were both stolen gifts, so they were a HIT!

But the pictures are not of a cat.  A deal was brokered later over some beers, and Zliten ended up with this:

So all the holiday parties (not including our traditions Christmas Eve and the family Christmas) are done, and we ended up with, among other things, two heavy ceramic figurines.  Way too fun!  What is the craziest holiday gift you’ve given or received?

FYI, the pantry is clean from Monday’s hat draw, today (Tuesday) we picked Mini Golf which was a BLAST, and tomorrow is a BBQ adventure in Lockhart (the BBQ capital of Texas, apparently).  So excited!

The Bucket List

Glad I posted yesterday.  This one is going to be short.  Last night was a late (epic-ly fun) night, and I’m paying for it today.  I’m not sure at WHAT point last night I forgot it was a Thursday and not a Friday night, but that’s the only possible explanation.  Just another reason why I am not a role model.  Pictures next week when I sum up all the white elephant parties.  This was number two, number three happens tomorrow.

So, anyhoo, every time we have time off at home over the holidays, we have *big plans*.  We never travel anywhere because traveling this time of year is for the crazy, and our families are both firm believers in “it’s a holiday when we visit no matter what time of year”.  So both in San Diego and Austin, we’ve had a week off (at least) together each December’s end.  And nothing major to do.

We say to ourselves – this will be the year we do <insert lots of random awesome plans here>.  We do one, maybe two things, and then end up with our butts planted on the couch, playing video games and watching movie marathons.  Soul soothing in it’s own right, sure, but not very memorable.  I can honestly not remember much about those weeks beyond takeout, the couch, and the TV, and alcohol.

This year, I’m not settling.  Oh, there will be all those things above, for sure, it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.  Some people think of Santa and presents and reindeer and crap, my favorite holiday tradition is the week of freedom and loafing after the Christmas Stouffers lasagna is consumed.  However, upwards of two weeks of it sound like excess.  I want stories.  I want something blogworthy and more important, memorable.  Without leaving a reasonable driving radius.  So I present to you our concept: the magic hat.

We will be picking one thing out each day and doing it.  Most are fun things, a few are just things we need to get done, but they’re all going in a hat.  We’re not being super strict on it (because what fun would that be), so if we pick something that just doesn’t make sense (a bike adventure after a long run day) or the weather isn’t cooperating for (a day roadtrip on a crappy rainy cold day) or we just plain don’t feel like it, (a beautiful day we wanna get outside and we pick something that doesn’t have us leave the house) we can put it back.  Or save it for tomorrow.  Or something, we haven’t figure out all the rules yet.

Some are all day adventures (or even overnight).  Some are just an hour or two, so if we’re feeling frisky, we might do two in one day!  I do have to work half training in there, but considering that’s my ONLY obligation, I’m feelin’ pretty confident I’ll be ok.

The Awesometastic Holiday Magic Hat Bucket List of Awesomeness:

-Beer and Breakfast in Fredricksburg (like bed and breakfast, but better!)
-BBQ in Lockhart (apparently this is the best place in Texas to get BBQ)
-Salsa dancing at Copa
-Regular silly dancing at a random club
-Gaming all day, ordering delivery, no interruptions, no leaving PJs
-Rock climbing
-Bike adventure
-Roller Skating
-Watch all 3 lord of the rings in one day
-Go to a museum (Austinites, any suggestions?)
-Clean out the pantry (exciting I know)
-Space museum in Houston
-Steak and crab night
-Make a movie
-Upscale thrift shopping (not an oxymoron, I swear.  Hitting the cute little second hand boutiques I see everywhere)
-Esther’s Follies (a comedy show downtown we’ve wanted to see)
-Afternoon cocktails somewhere

We’re adding to the list as we think of things, but that’s what we have so far.  So, I ask, what’s in your bucket?  Any suggestions (keep in mind we are broke so the cheaper the better) for what I should add to mine?

Happy weekend.  Just found out my vacation begins tonight (the shippable is delayed, which is yay), so after last night, I’m thinking the perfect way to kick off vacation is dinner and card games with the parents.

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