Speaking of change… (was going to do this as one blog entry with the last one, but I had much more to say on it than I thought and I realized it was a horrid segway, you’re welcome for that), election day and Charlotte’s blog on overexercising made me really think about how I’ve changed over the last two years. Or at least fooled myself into how I’ve changed.
A little (not so) secret about me – I don’t just want to do things, I want to do them up CRAZY. I find something I like, it turns into something I love, then something I obsess over and spend all my time doing and thinking about. After spinning my little wheels way too fast on it for way too long, my motor burns out in the form of a nervous breakdown, and I have to leave it behind. In my life, this has been epitomized in gymnastics, crushes and boyfriends (hell, people in general), hobbies, and especially jobs I love. Before he sees this and comments – not Zliten. He was worth obsessing over. ::grin::
My last job really gave me all the rope I wanted to hang myself with. It had the perfect recipe for Quix-y disaster. It was a title that was a bit of an underdog (and I love rooting for the unlikely winner if they’ve got that spark in their eyes). I was given complete creative freedom, only limited by the tools and abilities I had at my disposal. I could work as much or as little as I wanted, no one was keeping track, so it was my own decision. I also got off on the fact I was the youngest and only female to take the reins of the game in my company. Thousands of dedicated and also megamanical fans also inspired me to always do more and better. I think most of the time, I felt more like I reported and was accountable to our players than anyone at the company.
What this meant was that I ate, slept, breathed, and spoke job every moment of the day. Luckily my fiance (then boyfriend, I guess, if you can call “living together for 6 years” still a boyfriend) was also just getting started in game design, which is his dream job and was super into it too. We would pretty much work til our eyes bled and then talk about work and bounce design ideas off each other and when we were frustrated with our games at work, we’d start coming up with design documents for new games to pitch. After a while though, he got over the honeymoon period and it was a job for him, while I just ratcheted up the crazy even more. He’d sit there and game while I worked from home (he finished an entire anime series in a few weeks, just watching while I was working at home…yeah). He’d hug me when I bawled about being mandated to increase our subscription prices. I’m surprised I didn’t come up with something like this picture. I’m sure I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture. Work equaled life, and I was convinced that anyone who wasn’t like me just didn’t have a cool enough job.
Two main events made me snap out of it. First of all, a day in December 2006, we came home from work, I was having a bad day so there was some vodka action going on. We popped in the movie Click (with Adam Sandler) and watched and, well, it really clicked. I was spending most of my life on fast forward, waiting for the good times. I was always waiting for the decision to come down at work about this or that. I was just waiting for the time when I’d get the official title and pay I though I deserved. I could no longer spend my time just waiting for the elusive something that made my life complete, I had to make it happen. Then, shortly after, there was the fated San Fransisco trip. I had to buy size 24 jeans (I had been in denial for years by only wearing skirts, thxu San Diego weather), and after huffing and puffing my way through short distances of the city (I think I probably run longer on the treadmill in an hour than I covered my whole trip), I decided that enough was enough, I was going to do something about the flubber.
Of course, it wasn’t easy. First, I made a vow to myself that I would work 8 hour days, 5 days per week, except under DIRE circumstances. I left work at 6:45 on the button (yeah, my start time was 9:45, odd, wasn’t it), and just picked up where I left off the next day. There was nothing so urgent that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow. It was was weird at first, but then it was freeing. My game didn’t suffer, I didn’t look any different in management’s eyes, my employees didn’t suffer, nothing changed except content was just a touch slower, and I chose carefully what we took on instead of trying to tackle *EVERYTHING*. The only change was I didn’t sacrifice myself. Crazy! Second, I vowed to eat better, drink less booze, and exercise at least 3 days per week to lose weight. I did Dance Dance Revolution for at least 20 mins and even tried out Yourself!Fitness, and though it took a while for me to really and truly get going (eating better meant cans and microwave meals – things of which I could count calories and judge portions easily), I at least got started establishing good habits.
After the move to Austin, I think there was about 3 months I could say I was really and truly balanced. Then, one day I went from “meh, I want to lose more weight but whatever” to “I am going to lose weight starting TODAY” and here we are. I’m glad I did – I was still definitely obese back then and needed that kick in the pants to get to now, but it’s almost the opposite now. I love our product, but it doesn’t keep me up at night. However, I do salivate and dream of the day I break a 8 minute mile. Or run my first 5k race not on a treadmill. Or can do a unassisted pullup. Or hit a weight I am totally and completely in love with my body (as opposed to right now when I just sometimes want to make out with the mirror when I walk by).
I will admit, if I had the rescources to do so, I could totally be that megamanical Quix now. I’d jump at the chance to train for some sort of sport full time. I’d love to have a better reason to train so, so hard besides weight loss or beating my goal. If I could hit the gym during the mid morning/early afternoon instead of the choice between yawnsville (before work) or blehsville (after work), I could totally put in such a longer and better workout. I could run and lift and swim and dance and and and and…everything. I just get so frustrated sitting sometimes, I just want to…DO!
Sometimes life has a way of setting you on the right path, even when it drags you kicking and screaming. So I’ll keep to my 60-90 mins 5 days a week and figure out something else to difuse the crazy upon.
(fyi, today is a two-fer, because I meant to post the last post yesterday…see ya tomorrow!)