Adjusted Reality

So, as this week is looking to be incredibly busy, I’m going to bust out some of the best, funny, or insightful things I wrote elsewhere over the last few years.  Enjoy!

***Warning – flagrant use of foul language ahead.  More than the usual.  So if something like “fuck-faced cock sucking whore” just offended you, ya might just turn back now and come back later for the usual, more inspirational fare.***

Anywhoo, now that I got that out of the way, this was a post I made to my LiveJournal after a really rough day at work.  I had someone, to my face, tell me essentially my project was worthless.  Being that I’m public about where I was working and what I was working on at that time, I don’t want to say more than that.  However, three and a half years later, I can surely post the rant.  I’m simply impressed with the utter rage I was able to channel.  I’m normally a very happy person.  Only very very occasionally do I run faster on the treadmill simply because I’m imagining someone special’s face underneath each footstep (and the more I run, the more I can kick them in the face!).  Enjoy – and remember what happens when you get on my bad side…

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
7:56 pm

Fuck you.
No, Really.  Fuck you.

You know who you are. Who the fuck do you think you are? I know who you are, but WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BE SUCH AN UNABASHED ASSHAT WITH NO REMORSE?

Who do you think you are to invalidate anything that doesn’t facilitate you snorting coke from a hooker’s back and drinking the piss of Gods. I mean, if you piss 1/3 of my salary like you so eliquently said today, it must be high quality piss for sure. I mean, you should bottle that shit and sell it like Evian. Perhaps then you won’t have to worry about this petty thing called your fucking job, or anything called common decency, tact, respect.. You’re a fucking GOLDEN GOD, asshole.

God forbid you look beyond the narrow scope of your ivory tower and see what the fuck is going on with the world. How dare you make a mockery of what I stand for? Perhaps your shit decisions helped us get in this boat? Is your distaste of passion because you don’t have the courage to do anything useful? Do you go home at night and cry because your life is so empty and alone? Have you fully perfected ignoring your concience? Have you convinced yourself that the laws of karma do not apply to you?

Fuck you for ruining my morning. Fuck you for ruining my ideals that people are generally good. Fuck you, you cock sucking souless shadow of a human being, for distracting my thoughts all day.

Thank you for making me that much more motivated to prove you wrong and show you that I will not be ignored and go quietly into oblivion like you want me to. Thank you for the fire and the vengance I need to show the world just how your brethern can’t keep us down. I’ll do it because you do not have the power to ruin something beautiful. You do not rule over me, if you stand in my way, I’ll find an alternate route. I have the patience, the drive, and the desire to persevere and, indirectly show you just how fucking wrong your money grubbing ass is. Someday, you will be remorseful that you showed me such disrespect and decided today was the day to pick a fight with someone.

Fuck you for illiciting such rage and hatred from me. You must be fucking talented to be able to strike such a discord in me that makes me feel this way. It doesn’t happen very often. You won the fucking lotto. Hooray for you!

Eat shit and die. Your blatant disregard for the little guy shows just how shallow you are. In a short amount time you will be but a speck in my memory. A little bit of fuel for that evil side of the fire that drives me. I hope you’re happy that you looked like a fucking crybaby asshat in front of your peers today. I know I’m not your “peer” yet, but the others were. I hope your fucking satisfied solidifying the fact that you are a complete and utter stain on the human race.

I will drink away the disdain I feel about this and let it out, and return tomorrow to a semblance of normalcy. You will have to deal with that feeling in the back of your head forever that makes you wonder where you went wrong. While you may try, you cannot stifle the creative spirit and the love of the people who want to create something wonderful.

I’m out. This is not healthy for my soul. I’m done thinking about you and your inadequacies. I hope that you enjoy that corporate grave that you’re digging yourself.

So, as this week is looking to be incredibly busy, I’m going to bust out some of the best, funny, or insightful things I wrote elsewhere over the last few years.  Enjoy!

I talk a lot about my workaholic days and I just recently backed up my LiveJournal and was sifting through entries and found some gems from some of my worst moments.  On one hand, I don’t even remember being that flavor of crazy anymore, and on the other hand, it’s like it was yesterday.  On one hand, I regret nothing and love my semi-balanced kinda life much more now, and on the other, I miss being so dedicated to something with every fibre of my being – I feel so… mundane now somehow.  For better or worse, here it is!

The first three excerpts were from super late nights, the fourth just made me laugh, and the fifth was pretty much an example of every time I traveled – I would book early morning flights and work all night the night before so I could keep caught up.

Thursday, July 21st, 2005
1:45 am
I’ve only been home from work for less that two hours…

I know I should go to bed but dammit I want some time to myself and for enjoyment. Gawd I’m going to hate myself tomorrow. Specially cause I have to do two interviews. I haven’t been on THIS side of it since I was 18. Its going to be weird. Hiring people, I’ve determined, sucks when you have a bunch of talented people that apply, and I’ll be glad when its over.

I shouldn’t have just poured myself my 4th drink. I should be in bed. I should be getting a jump on the very, very rushed day tomorrow if I am going to stay up. If anything, I should be working on the big document I’m supposed to be preparing. Instead I’m drinking. Way to be responsible woman!

I feel myself gaining more confidence. I feel it starting to click. I think that all this happened for a reason and will be ultimately awesome. But right now, I just want it all to go away for a few days, I want to play hookey and go swimming, play some fucking video games, see charlie and the chocolate factory, hit the pub until I’m throwing up outside, and veg on the couch and watch bad tv. Joel watched a WHOLE ANIME SERIES in the time that I’ve either been working late or working from home in the last week. I can count the hours on one hand that I’ve been awake in the last 7 days and not been working in some shape or form.

Is this wrong? Am I crazy? Is it coincidence that every time I just think “fuck it I’m done caring so much” something happens to light the fire under my ass to be megamanical Quix again to get through what I need to get through? Will it ever fall into a rhythm again? I joke so often lately about losing it, am I really going looney? Where does the fine line between batshit crazy and just motivated lie?

Fuck it. I’ll drink whiskey and smoke camels and be irresponsible tonight until I’ve had my fill and let red bull and tylenol be my savior tomorrow. I long for the weekend-full of the fulfillment of things accomplished and time for recreation. Not time stolen from sleep like tonight.

Thursday, December 7th, 2006
10:10 pm
Grrrrrrrrrrr
Just fucking grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Think I’m going to skip the holiday party this year. Not in the mood to pretend I’m not completely stressed, burnt, and don’t want to go postal on everyone. I am not feeling it, open bar or not.

The one thing I really trusted someone else to do is completely fucked up, and I just found out literally an hour ago. I don’t know how it wasn’t caught, but it’s about a days worth of work, and its way to close to lauch to eat an entire day of mine. I also have to decide how much of it was my fault for not having my nose in it constantly. Oh well, lesson learned. No more missus nice gal for me.

I am ready for launching this puppy, dying for a little while, and re-emerging as the non-frazzled version of the Quix. Too bad it is not that time yet. Soon though. Not soon enough but soon.

Monday, December 4th, 2006
1:13 am
I swear to the purple haze…
1. That I will not work this many hours in a weekend again unless I am releasing an expansion.
2. That I will not forget to take a vacation next year. Hell, I will not forget to take at least TWO non-family visiting vacations totaling at least 3 weeks not counting xmas or comp time after.
3. That I will not back myself into a corner where I cannot ask anyone for help because it would take me longer to explain what I need done than just burn myself out and do it.

And I must remember when I’m busting my chops later for anything that goes wrong, that I did the best damn job I could in the time I had, with the resources I had.

As much as it pains me to say this at 2:10 am on a Sunday night, back to work. Can’t wait for Zliten to get home from Colorado so he can talk some sense into my dumb ass. 😛

Sunday, September 10th, 2006
11:20 pm
Ohhhhh….
I wish I were an oscar meyer weiner
For that is what I’d really like to be
Cuz if I were an oscar meyer weiner
I WOULDNT HAVE TO WORK ALL FUCKING WEEKEND!!!

Sunday, March 26th, 2006
3:43 am
12 hours of sleep last nignt and none tonight = 6 hours per night
So I should be ok. At least in straight math terms :P. We leave in 15 minutes to head to the airport for Reno. I had too much to do today and actually just got work/packing/shopping/etc done with a few minutes ago, so it’s a good think I hadn’t planned on sleeping. I had a hope for a little nap but the realist in me didn’t figure that would happen.

So work has most of the loose ends tied up and I don’t feel COMPLETELY awful and like I’m going to come back to a shitstorm when I get back, but I know worrying about it does no good from hundreds of miles away.

So, as this week is looking to be incredibly busy, I’m going to bust out some of the best, funny, or insightful things I wrote elsewhere over the last few years.  Enjoy!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I had a realization smack me in the face that I was close to 100 lbs lost, and I rambled about my journey there.  In retrospect, I cannot believe it took me from then until now to lose 10 freaking pounds, but I sure have learned a lot since then.

So it hit me today, after staring at the 168.6 on the scale (hooray new low)… I am really and truly close to 100 lbs lost (what is up on that table, gross, huh). Back in the day, early 2007, I knew I had to lose close to that to be back at a good weight for me, and it just boggled my mind. Who loses 100 lbs? One of my high school friends that starved herself because she was sick of being the fat girl in our group? My mom’s friend who had gastric bypass? Those are the examples in my life I had previously had lost significant amounts of weight. I liked food too much to consider anorexia, and I was NOT down for optional surgery, although I bet I could have gotten it if I tried at my weight. It just seemed impossible to do – the best I hoped for when I started was about 20-25 lbs, and after I lost that, I started plateauing – for spring and summer, pretty much. But at the beginning, I was so unhappy with how I felt and looked, I figured “why not, it can’t hurt to give it a try”.

I was feeling good at that weight, all my “fat clothes” (ie, stuff I had been wearing for the last 5 years), my jeans from a few years ago almost but not quite fit, and I wasn’t quite as offended at how my face looked in the mirror. However, when I first moved and started my job in Austin, I got sick for 5 days and physically couldn’t eat and lost 10 lbs. It sucked, but it felt so good to be skinnier, I could finally fit in my jeans, and I thought I looked goood. So, as is usual with unhealthy weight loss, I started gaining it back again, and since I thought that sucked, I was going to give it a try again to lose the healthy way. “Why, not” I thought. It couldn’t hurt to give it a try.

I spent about a month establishing a regular exercise plan, eliptical trainer for 20 mins, 3 times a week. It doesn’t seem like much now, but it was hard for me, at least to get myself to go. Then, I started looking into internet info on calorie counts, and started writing down what I ate. I stumbled onto Sparkpeople when looking for something and was a little frustrated I had to sign up to see what I was looking for. I almost closed the website but that voice in my head came back… “Why not, give it a try”. The worst I could do is get some spam mail, right? So I got on and checked spark out and decided, heck, nothing I’ve been doing has been working very well, why not just try doing what spark tells me for a month.

Spark said to eat 1200-1550 calories, and along with my cardio, add a little strength training. It’s hard to believe now, but I remember doing my wed 20 min cardio followed by 15 mins of strength, and thinking “this is so much to do, how can I keep this up for the rest of my life?” But I kept at it, keeping my promise to keep it up for a month, and lost 8 lbs. I was so happy with my progress I kept at it, even through closing on a house and spending a month painting the entire thing, and getting it livable. Most weeks, I’d do my workout if it was my night to do so and then go to the house and work until midnight. The last week, we had too much to do and I had to skip my workouts. I thought this is where I’d lose momentum again, and get lazy, and then stop progressing.

Strangely enough, I didn’t. After we moved in, I got right back to working out, and actually started increasing the time (because we finally had room for DDR and that was MUCH more fun than the eliptical). I never stopped eating well, I would actually pack up dinner at the apartment and bring it over to cook for us instead of getting take out. It was so much easier when everything was there. I did have a period where I stopped strength training, but I was still at the cardio full force.

Then, the winter holidays came and I kept hearing that this was the hardest time of year to be healthy. I was scared to death that I was going to gain it all back (I was about 20 lbs down from when I started sparking), so I increased my workouts to 5 days per week, 40-45 mins per day. That way I had some wiggle room. Then something changed – I actually started looking forward to exercise instead of tolerating it. Over the holidays I splurged a little, but kept myself in check and actually took off about 10 lbs from Thanksgiving to New Years, even taking the last week of the year off tracking.

Then “disaster” hit – I encountered my first plateau (normal for me now, I plateau for 2 weeks then drop it like it’s hot for 2 weeks, but scary back then). For the first part of January, I couldn’t get under 210 and it was frustrating for me. I learned two things – one, I had to change up my exercise (I added the Yourself!Fitness which incorporated harder cardio and basic strength), two – I actually wasn’t eating enough for my weight and activity level. Later January, I started moving along again and all was well.

Three days before my birthday, I got the best 29th birthday present ever – I saw a number starting with 1 on the scale. It was my huge goal, and I had just barely made it. Never again, I vowed. You are banned from the 200’s, girl, I thought. I saw it a few more times as my weight wavered up and down but in late march I was already working on 195. I was trying for 50 lost between Thanksgiving and late June (50 in 6 months challenge), but I couldn’t keep pace and got frustrated. I re-evaluated my goals at the beginning of April (March being the birthday month of doom where our friends celebrate the 5 million b-days that month with a party or dinner or both every weekend, plus we were working crunch hours which means catered dinners) and went back to a sane 5 lbs per month. I thought March might be the end of my weight loss – which it was last year (birthdays, then cruise, then job hunting, then move all came up in 2 months and all focus went there).

For some reason in April, I just had this urge to run. Again I thought, “why not, give it a try”. I just about died after, but I ran a whole mile in about 12 minutes. Without stopping. I was so freaking proud of myself. I went out to the track about once a week and got up to about 1.25 miles. Then two things happened – one, it got HOOOOT so I couldn’t run outside anymore, and we started what was to be the summer of on again off again crunch. I was pretty confident that this wasn’t going to be the thing that stalled my progress (8 months of steady progress helped that confidence), but it was not going to be easy and I had to have a plan. I started working out at our work gym, which meant access to a treadmill and running, as well as weights!

Over the next few months I went from barely making the mile to 1.5 to 2 to 3, and my mile time went from 12 to 11 to 10 to now 9:10. I went from 8 to 10 to 12 lb free weights, and increased from 12 to 45 pushups in a row. My reps for everything went up. I weathered a foot injury that kept me from running for 2 weeks, and did lots of strength and yoga and kept my calorie intake closer to my low end instead of giving myself a pass to eat junk because I was sad about it.

I also discovered the pattern my body had found (the 2 weeks maintain, 2 weeks loss). This was good because I would be super happy for the loss period, and just FRUSTRATED as heck during the other 2. I realized I was still losing my weight, just differently than I had before (1-2 lbs per week). It really tested my faith in the program, but I stuck to it because, well, it was better than gaining and feeling icky. I kept tweaking what I did every few weeks and it kept working.

Just last week, after a frustrating 2 weeks of actually gaining 1 lb, I finally met my first long term goal of 170. I’d long since revised it to 150 by the end of the year, but it still held special significance to me as the weight I remembered feeling happy, confident, and sexy at when I was 20 (which was the last time). I can tell you now that it feels just as good, if not better, at 29. I might just explode once those coveted skinny jeans I wore last weekend have to be retired because they’re too big.

I’ve learned that anything’s possible as long as you have a “why not” attitude and give it a good go at it. If you’re really committed, you’ll be looking back on it a year or two later, thinking how glad you are that you said that. And though it will probably be another 2-3 weeks until I pass 100 lbs lost (I’m about to enter those 2 weeks), but I’m still celebrating. Because I know I’ll get there. The only way I will lose momentum is if I let myself, and the only time I will really stop losing weight is when I chose to do so. Nothing can stand in my way unless I let it. I might forget that sometimes in a moment of temper tantrum-ness, but never for too long.

I try to post 4 times a week, but this week somehow I’ve got enough time for 5.  Woohoo!  That being said, since it’s technically an extra post, I’m just going to throw in some randomness.  Have a great weekend!

1.  So I was glowing on Wednesday about my 2.2 lb loss.  I got on the scale Thursday morning and it said 158.4 – that’s a 4.6 lb loss!!!  I was up to 159.0 today but that’s because I ate a bowl of salty soup 2 hours before bed, I expected a worse gain.  Is it even a gain if you still weigh 1.8 lbs less than you did 2 days ago?  I am positively amazed at what my body decided to do this week!  However, I will wait to be ecstatic until after the weekend, in which we have one night out on the town with food included, one night getting food cooked for us, and both will including drinking, carousing, and reveling.  And one meal with my parents, which will invariably be a buffet.  Oh well, progress and commitment has to be tested sometime, thank goodness for the weekend allowance being bigger!

2.  Good news stemming from the bad economy – we were able to settle one of Zliten’s school loans for about half of what he owed with a payoff.  Getting out of big debt and into smaller debt is so exciting!  I guess I must now have officially become a grownup after typing that.  Excuse me while I head into the hallway and do some cartwheels and color on the walls to balance it out.

3.  Today, I am wearing both the sweet hat I got for Christmas, and my awesome tacky brown shoes.  I feel all sorts of snazzy.  I’m glad I feel like my closet is very full and my wardrobe is fleshed out for the season, because I now work in a freakin’ mall.  My office building is literally shopping distance from Macy’s.  This does not bode well for my pocketbook or productivity this spring…oh yeah, boss, I was, uh, in a meeting.  Absolutely not out for an hour hitting the sales.  Nope, not me!  Uh-huh!  The only thing is all my new jeans are too long to wear with heels like this (I want them to show), and I’m wearing jeans from 1999 which aren’t quite mom jeans, but closer than I’d like.  I guess maybe the closet isn’t quite full enough…heh heh.  In the picture above you can see both the hat and the “mom” jeans.  Below, the tacky shoes.

4.  Looks like my short commute is going away though, I can’t really discuss much in the way of specifics about it but I’m going to be working out of a sound studio on the east side doing some recording for the next 2 months.  It’s one of my favorite parts of this job and I’m very excited to get to spend a lot of time doing it…however, I really am going to miss the 5 minute commute and I’ll be shifting my day later for a while, which will be weird.  I spent months trying to shift it earlier, now I’ll be at work no earlier than 10.

5.  I ran outside for the first time since the great injury of 2008 – I bruised my heel so bad I couldn’t run for 2 weeks (and I only ran half a mile on the streets, the rest was on the track).  I just mapped my run online and I went 3.5 miles.  I just set out to do 30-40 minutes, next time I might map it ahead of time and try to judge time when I’m out there.  It was dark, so I stayed within a mile of the house.  Our neighborhood is awesome, some of the surrounding areas, not quite so awesome.  I came up with a great version of fartlek, where it was light enough for me to see the road to watch for potholes, I booked it fast, when it was dark, I went slower.  I’ll definitely have to work a run in outside each week (unless its freezing) because that hurt so good – I am sore in a completely different way!  The 30 mins of DDR and the 22 mins of yoga after might have helped though.

Bonus: I spent some time Wednesday evening un-borking my main site.  Now with 100% less malicious scripting!  If you wanted to see some of my old art, comics, or just see my purdy flash page menus…or if you just don’t want to type /blog after www.adjustedreality.com, you can check it out.   Happy weekending!

Meant to post this earlier, but I lag badly.  Here is the pic-umentary of Christmas Eve with Zliten and Quix.

So we got the all clear to leave work around 1:30, headed to Mooyah and had the ever festive burger and frrench fries. Then, we headed home, absinthe bottle in tow, and had planned to do a not-so-live live blog (meant to post it a few days later), and was going to capture action as it ensued.  However, since it’s been weeks, I figure I’ll just share some of my favorite pics from the day.

Here I am, happy to be home from work!

First, Zliten poured us our first drinks.

Absinthe is festive!

I would call this my kekekeke ^____^picture.

And this is what DDR looked like wrapped up.

You’re supposed to take it outta the box first, silly!

Beat that Viva Pinata!!!

One of the more useful presents.  Hey, we were out!

Zliten loves his present!

Nom nom nom!

WTF?  Popcorn in bags?  Totally different!

Look at all the phat lewts!

Wooo!  Rice cooker!

Ah…this was a great first day of break.  I miss it already.  Only 351 days until next Christmas Eve (for more shenanigans!)