Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Author: Quix Page 66 of 217

Turning the Corner

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On September 19, 2016

In Uncategorized

First, I have a big announcement… I am now not just a Certified Personal Trainer, I am also a Certified Sports Nutrition Specialist!  Wheeee!   I’m doubly certifiable.  I finished this one a lot quicker than I expected, turns out, I knew most of it already and it took me approximately 8 hours to read the 65 pages of material, watch the 12 videos, and take the test.  I passed with an 91% (70 was passing).

What does this mean?  Well, not much.  I learned a few new tidbits like even my protein consumption out throughout the day and take a concentrated fish oil supplement because I don’t like salmon, but most of it was not a surprise.  But… should I open a business someday that deals with healthy living, I have a little more credibility than “I read about this stuff all the time because it’s interesting to me”.  If I had all the time and money in the world, I’d love to go back to school to do an Registered Dietician program, but for right now, this is good enough.

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Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about riding bikes?

As I’ve belabored over and over here, the previous 9 weeks have been kinda hard on me.  Coming back from a much-needed but also long offseason means I was more out of form by the end of spring than I had been in quite a while.  I also like an idiot chose to do this ramp up over the summer, where everything is harder already even when you ARE in shape.  My only measuring sticks were totally unfair ones: previous years (where I’m 5 weeks behind) and my husband, who comes alive as an athlete after 4 months off in the feels-like-the-center-of-the-sun weather.

Then, last week happened.  I turned a corner.  I had some great weekday training days.  Monday, I rode far behind with faster people and it felt good to push the pace.  Tuesday, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after that, but I crushed a endurance cycle class + 2 mile brick run (and a swim earlier in the day).  Wednesday was recovery riding, and then Thursday, I finally got out and got that double digit mile run and oddly, it was no big deal. I even sped up the last two miles from high 11s to do race pace – around 10:30s.

Saturday, we took our TT bikes out for some interval work.  We warmed up for about 6 miles, and then did 10 reps of a 3.5 mile loop – we took the backside (about 1.35 miles, very slight uphill grade) fast, and did the rest easy.  I hit 19.6-21.2 mph, with 179-202W normalized power.  I peaked on my 6th interval, but my last half of them were stronger than my first (and it was getting HOT).

After a stop for liquid and a cooldown 6 miles, we headed out for a brick run.  At noon.  In the “feels like 108”.  It took all the mental toughness, but I got through it, and negative split it to boot (10:40, 10:20, 9:55).

I missed one weights session and one swim this week, but still logged over 10 hours and a lot of it was pretty solid, confidence building training.  This week, I have a bit of a stepback week so I can race on Sunday, but still planning 6 training hours + 3 racing.  I’m super excited to toe the line of one of my favorite courses, and only have to do half what I normally do (since the weather isn’t expected to be much better this weekend… SO glad I’m not racing 70.3 miles).

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Last week:

  • Monday: conference room weights with bands/bodyweight, 19 mile hilly faster ride in 1:17
  • Tuesday: 1500m swim (1000m steady, some fast 50s/100s after), endurance cycle (70 mins, 2×3 mins under threshold, 5 mins at, 5 mins over, 2 mins recovery, then an all out 10 minute TT), 2 mile brick run (11:00, 9:40 splits).
  • Wednesday: 17 mile recovery ride in 1:19
  • Thursday: 10 mile run in 1:56
  • Friday: off
  • Saturday: 45 mile TT ride in 2:48, 3 mile brick run, 30:45
  • Sunday: off

This week:

 

  • Monday: conference room weights w/bands + bodyweight, same hill ride
  • Tuesday: splash and dash race (750m + 2 mile run – hoping to take it about 90% and use it as speedwork)
  • Wednesday: weights, recovery ride
  • Thursday: 5 mile run, some race pace miles if I feel springy
  • Friday: off
  • Saturday: 1500m open water swim
  • Sunday: RACE! 1000m swim, 29 mile bike, 6.4 mile run.

For the race… my goal is to run down third, just like Jack’s Generic.  Whether it’s actually third or tenth, I want to not be a weenie on the run and chase people down.  I run really well off the bike in practice.  I need to put that in play in the race and not let my head get to me and run like I stole it and all those other things that mean JUST FUCKING RUN WOMAN.

As for the other disciplines, I want to swim medium-hard, and not come out of the water completely shelled.  I’m REALLY looking forward to riding my bike there, because other than the chip seal (crack your fillings) roads, I think this is the IDEAL course for me right now.  The first half is mostly a steady, gradual downhill which I love to push.  The second is, minus a few steepies, a nice steady gradual uphill/false flat situation.  Last year I was on pace the first 45 miles to break 18 mph and then *crash*.

Also, this year Zliten will be chasing ME (I start at 8:24, he starts at 8:32) so I will not only be running down 3rd but also running away from my husband (I’ll imagine him as a super scary monster) for those particular 3 hours.

No matter what, my eyes will be on the prize.  6 more weeks total and I race Austin 70.3.

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My only food pictures were this and pepperoni pizza this week.  So, as you can tell, I ate absolutely 100% healthy, homecooked food this week.

Let’s just not talk about food and the scale and stuff.  I think it’s probably about time to give obsessing about this a pause, at least until the work changes.  I’m regularly tracking the weekdays, and then just eyeballing it on the weekend (and then, if I remember, tracking on Monday and probably forgetting some stuff).  I KNOW it would be more useful for me to track over the weekend, but I just haven’t.

The progress has pretty much stopped.  And that’s probably ok.  As discussed above, I’m doing more hours and harder stuff, so I need to not be starving myself.  If my body wants more food, it wants more food right now.  I’m not really having trouble with this on hard workout days.  However, during off/light days when all I do is walk 10k steps or maybe do a short swim or something and fitbit says “you have 1300 calories” my body is like “the FUCK we do”.  That was Friday.  And Sunday.

I refuse to go to bed starving when I have to wake up and do 2-3 hours of workouts the next day.  I knew there would be a tipping point.  So, here we are.

This week’s goals:

  • Track all weekday food (weekends bonus)
  • Attempt to stay -1000 calories but not at the cost of major hunger.
  • Spread out my protein and calories better through the day.  I’m getting better at this but still occasionally I end up having to eat two meals worth of food after 8pm.
  • Fruits and veggies.  Crushing it so far today with blueberries in my yogurt and a giant veggie-filled salad!

As for the scale, I’ve been consistently weighing 182.  One day, I hit 181.  One day, I hit 183.  But as above, here we are.  I think this is my fall race weight and I can revisit this again come November when I go back to the long and slow stuff in cooler temperatures.  The best thing for me to do is push QUALITY food and pay attention to how things hit my stomach.  For example, I ate a bunch of raw snow peas for snacks a few days last week and noticed I was bloated every evening.  I need to be eating lower fiber or cooked veggies because I’m taking in so many other quality calories.

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And because you’ve made it this far, here’s a picture of me practicing being a rich eccentric famous person at Costco.  Ok, fine.  The real reason?  I left my glasses at work and all I had was my sunglasses to see things.  I tried on a coat (as you can see from the picture, it’s not that flattering, so I left it there).  Zliten zoomed off with my phone and the cart, so I spent 10 minutes wandering around the store like this.

At first I was upset because I’m sure I looked like a fucking weirdo.  And then I realized.  Hehe, I look like a fucking weirdo.  Who cares.  I’m sure if anyone did actually notice, they had a fun story to tell when they got home.  So…. yep.  Practicing being eccentric.

Happy Monday, everyone!

 

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Just a little bit of history repeating…

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On September 16, 2016

In Uncategorized

Today, random 90s music pulled me down a deep rabbit hole of contemplation…

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Today, I was listening to the Bush – Machinehead album, which was the soundtrack to my teens.  I am trying to retrain my Spotify Discovery away from screamy metal (I listened to ONE NoFX album… and this is how you punish me?), so I’m making it a point to rotate through all sorts of music that I actually like. We’ll see if it works on Monday *crosses fingers*.

Anyway, it gave me some very vivid flashbacks of my junior year.  I was driving from my high school to two hours of diving practice on the other side of town, with clothes to change into for my 4 hour shift at Hot Topic after, tired as HELL, finding some greater meaning in that song about the day in and day out.  Sixteen year old me was a little more of a nihilist grungy beat poet than thirty seven, but it took me right back.

I’ve never been a do-nothing type of person.  As the scorpion says to the frog, it’s not in my nature.  As a kid, I’d occasionally lose myself in a book or art or writing or trashy mags with my friends.  However, it was typically always bike here, roller skate there, go to this club, go to that sport.  I took summer school not because I had to, but I genuinely wanted to.  If I was at home doing nothing it was because I was waiting for a friend to call me back to go do stuff.

But, again, those summers were a huge breath of fresh air.    While I loved school, it was nice to not have a schedule, to do the things *I* wanted to do, to be outside all day if I wanted to, and I was always both sad to see the three months end and excited to start a new grade, rested and refreshed.

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Then, for some reason, around age 14, I decided that it was time to grow up and get serious about shit and relaxing was for suckers.  I started training super hardcore with gymnastics.  It was absolutely my choice (my parents tolerated it, but were happy when I quit), and it was my all-consuming passion.  We’re talking 20+ hours a week to start.  Then, I wanted to get better, so I started adding 2 hours extra per day with the higher level team.  I ate, slept, and breathed gymnastics.  Then, two years later, right before summer break my sophomore year, I had a violent breakup with the sport and all of a sudden found myself… free.

I spent about 2 months just hanging out with friends, and my parents saw that as a recipe for trouble.  It probably was, in retrospect.  They said to get a sport or get a job or something.  I was interested in diving, but it didn’t start up until the new year, so I applied at some jobs and simultaneously got two offers.

As two was better than one in my book, so I went from a complete bum to working a LOT.  I quit the second after a few months.  I’d be hard pressed to work cold calling for phone surveys ever again, even if it was the last job on earth and I was about to be homeless.  However, working at the mall was a lot of fun, I liked my coworkers, and it was wayyyy easier to get praise for doing good work than my gymnastics coaches, so I was hooked.

Flash forward to two years of AP classes, becoming a MAJOR caffeine addict (apparently if you just drink a lot of coffee and diet soda it’s not a Jessie Spannow situation) so I could maintain mostly straight As, diving practice, school activities and clubs (have to be well rounded to get into college), working one or two jobs at all times, and hanging out with friends and my loser boyfriend all the time because… social butterfly.  I graduated high school EXHAUSTED.

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I quit my job and took one as assistant manager of an earring store in a really not-so-busy mall to save money for college.  It was a summer with no athletic training, no summer school.  In fact, I spent most of the time painting my nails with my feet up on the desk, and it was perfect…. and felt like the opposite of busy even though I was working 40 hours a week.

College had the same buildup.  The first year I pretty much did school, and that was enough.  But then I randomly auditioned for a play and got a bit part and I was hooked into theater.  It was my everything for a while.  I even took it as a minor, not because I thought I was going to do anything with it, but so I could act more.  I got jobs over the summer and I wasn’t good at quitting things and enjoyed the extra money, so I kept them during the school year.  Not doing a sport meant I saw a bunch of weight creep on, so I had to make time for exercise.  I was a super social creature, so time with friends was a priority. I basically just didn’t sleep much.

Then, I experienced life as a legal drinker in Reno, Nevada, where there is no last call and going out for the night at 1am wasn’t a-typical.  That last year of college, I got straight As by some sorcery, but I have very little memory of how.  Caffeine.  Unicorns.

I chased college graduation with packing up our apartment the same week and fleeing for San Diego with no job lined up.  I think I slept for about 3 months, with small breaks to play video games, eat, and surf the internet.  One day during this couch period, I asked Zliten to grab my socks for me.  They were about two feet away in front of me.  This is where I was at right then.  I was attempting to shed 8 years of fatigue by expending as little mental and physcial energy as possible.

It worked, or I realized that even the ramen money would eventually run out, as three months later I got a job testing video games working all the overtime.  Over the years that evolved into more.  I ate, slept, drank, and lived video games and being a video game designer. It was glorious to be consumed in something again, until I started ACTUALLY questioning my sanity at times, and decided to jump ship before I cut off my ear or anything.  Oh yeah, I also more than doubled my weight from my gymnastics days and figured I should probably do something about that.

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I moved cities and got a less stressful job with less responsibilities and had NO idea how to handle myself.  So, as a side project, I decided to work on this whole weight loss thing, which evolved into this racing thing I do now.  I was working full time or more, but my days at work weren’t that full, so it was more about being fulfilled.  Less responsibilities at work evolved into more, and while I rarely work overtime anymore, I do carry a lot of my job stress around with me at times, as much as I try not to.  This year, I added classes to the mix, and you see how history continues to repeat itself.  I don’t replace hobbies and interests, I pile them on until I can’t stand it anymore.

I don’t do normal well.  I long for some time to do nothing, but I’m not sure if it’s in me to just be and not work towards being something.

I’m not entirely sure there’s a really rich life lesson in here beyond a bunch of Friday brain and auditory-induced nostalgia.  I think I’m simply assuring myself it’s ok to be tired right now.  At least, with the wisdom that age 37 has brought me, I know I do it to myself, and that makes it a little better.

I sit here with over 7 hours of training on my legs already this week, sleepy from a stolen night of recreation that lasted just a few hours longer than it should, and preparing for a meeting to justify my team’s continued existence for next year.  Tomorrow’s relaxing weekend day includes an early morning wakeup for a 3 hour training session, hosting for a birthday party, and taking my Sports Nutrition Specialist test for certification.  Sunday is our last wah pah trip.  All things I want to do, but there’s not a whole lot of time for nothing.  I kind of want to run away to a secluded tropical island somewhere and not look back.

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I can’t help but dream of the condo in Key Largo we’ve booked for December.  At the door, there are a week of no responsibilities and no plans.  The pool, lagoon, and private beach on the property cry my name.  The cruiser bikes and the fresh fish store a few miles away and the grill on the patio are waiting.  I’m mentally salivating over the experience of doing nothing for a while and right now I wish that week was months long.

However, I just can’t help myself.  When I get home from the trip, I have the rest of the year off work. Being me, instead of the nothing I think I crave, I have some epic plans for finishing up classes and writing and riding bikes and running and all sorts of other projects.  I’m super excited for them, but still.  Maybe I’m incapable of doing nothing, or maybe having a full schedule is all I’ve ever known.  This is my life.  Maybe I need an intervention.  Or to be trapped on a desert island.  Or someone to grab my shoulders and say “FOR THE LOVE OF LEEZARDS, DO NOTHING FOR A WHILE”.

This person would then have to provide me a detailed lesson with bullet points, a mapped out plan, and a schedule on how to do that, because it’s come to my attention I have no clue.  I am at my most alive when I am consumed by things.  Climbing mountains.  Doing epic shit.  Gathering life experiences and photographic evidence like a greedy little hoarder of moments and stories.  Figuring out where I want to be and plotting a course there.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m living a catch-22.  I am like an extremely extroverted introvert who only wants to be around people, but it makes them so mentally exhausted.  In this sense, all I crave is adventure.  If you asked me what I’d rather be doing right this moment, it’s not watching TV or having coffee or whatever normal people do.  I’d be scuba diving in Bon Aire.  I’d be snorkeling in Roatan.  I’d be parasailing in Hawaii.  I’d be cycling in Colorado.  I’d be running trails in Alaska.  But I also sometimes feel like I could sleep for weeks, ya know?

It’s a little bit of history repeating.  The seasons bring similarity, and this season, year after year, always brings burnout and makes me question of my sanity.  Others repair and rebuild me.  Am I doing too much?  The answer probably harkens from the fact that I keep doing it.  I keep choosing to DO rather than not to do.  While I have a high tolerance for discomfort, I also hope that I’m not the kind of person that would continue to randomly put my hand into the fire even though it hurts.  We are what we repeatedly do.  And, for better or for worse, I repeatedly do epic shit because that’s who I’ve become.

TL;DR: My life is awesome and I probably just need a nap and to lay off the 90s alt rock.  Happy weekend everyone!

I need a little specificity…

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On September 15, 2016

In Uncategorized

Probably for no one’s interest but my own sanity, it’s time for me to check in a bit more specifically on how the first half of 70.3 training has gone, since, holy crap, we’re more than halfway there!

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My outdoor riding game is almost as on fleek as my selfie game as the kids probably no longer say.

First of all, as I’ve mentioned before, the comparison game is SO HARD to avoid.  Each year with a 70.3 has been unique but has always centered on the Kerrville Half being my A race.

  • In 2012, I trained so hard to make sure I could do the distance, and arrived at the end of the summer in burnout (though I finished, and learned a lot along the way).
  • 2013, I overcame injury earlier in the year to conquer the first on minimal training and on the second, PR (and probably indirectly saved myself from some burnout by being benched for 6 weeks).
  • 2014, I took a mid-summer offseason, and banking on previous endurance, did a short and steep 8 week climb to the race, which resulted in another awesome PR.
  • Since that worked out so well, in 2015, I did the same thing, and ended up having the universe and my uterus conspire against me and barely salvaged not-a-personal-worst on a mildly broken bike and body.

After the spectacular 2015 fail, I didn’t want revenge.  I wanted this year to be different.

  • First of all, I have given myself about double the runway (16 weeks instead of 8).  This has allowed me to ramp up more gradually.  Frankly, I spent about half this cycle with the plan of “doin’ stuff for about 7-10 hours a week”, but that fluidity built me a good endurance base without all the burnout that is associated with having to run 6 miles at 7am on a Tuesday at x pace because the plan said so.  I’m now at the half of the cycle where I need to train specifically for about two months and I’m ready for it.
  • Also, I’ve chosen a different race, Austin IM 70.3, 5 weeks later.  The record high is 90, and the record low is 30, so it’s a grab bag of what we’ll actually get, but it’s MUCH more likely to be cooler.
  • Speaking of different race… different course!  I can hope for a PR/to hit certain numbers/etc, but a different course means it’s not a direct measuring stick of I MUST PR EVERY LEG OR I’M A FAILURE.  The bike is a little harder with ~500 more feet of elevation gain, more steep hills vs gradual hills.  The run should be a little easier with 100-ish feet TOTAL elevation change, a 3 loop course that gives you a dose of AC each time, and it’s also highly likely to be a cooler day, which give me a bonus of as much as a minute per mile with similar effort than feels like 90-100.
  • The other huge plus is the race starts 15 mins away from my house, so I get to sleep in my own bed, can do a warmup swim in my own pool/lake the day before, and eat familiar food.  The drawback is the day before, I have to establish STRICT boundaries about no chores, no other humans around, just relaxing, because a whole day off on the weekend?  That never happens, and it will be so tempting to do all the things.

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And I get to ride bikes here! Total perk!

So, we’re 7 weeks (ok, 6 weeks, 5 days, but whatevs).  How am I doing?

Overall headspace: turning a corner just this week.  I had some freakouts last week that I’m not training enough, I’m going to be woefully unprepared, etc.  Then I started looking at what I’ve done and how much time I have left, and I started to feel wayyyy better.  I need some specificity in my life, as I said above, but the foundation and basic structures of this house are pretty well built, actually.  The next four weeks about filling out the major features, and then the last three are about painting the walls, putting up light fixtures, etc.

Strengths right now:

  • Strength.  I’m pretty solid right now in terms of core and body strength (thx u weights).  I don’t feel like I’m pushing the boundaries of what my body is capable of and enduring tons of minor aches and pains.
  • Swim endurance.  Thanks to the swim challenge, I’ve done at least the half iron distance (1.4 to 2.8 miles) 4 times in open water this summer, and haven’t felt too much worse for wear after them.  My regular swims of 1500m just feel like happy fun water time with very little fatigue after.
  • Bike endurance.  I still can improve here, but I’ve done two outdoor rides already (63, 53) that are longer than my longest last cycle (50). I have done four 3+ hour rides, and I have a few more planned before shutting it down.
  • Bike handling.  Obviously a work in progress as well, but I was able to ride with a group of non-n00bs yesterday and not feel completely like a square peg in a round hole.  I ride my bike outside at least 3 times a week now and I don’t suck at it nearly as much.
  • Accidental run endurance.  I had this as a weakness two days ago when I started writing this post, but then I went out and ran 10 miles (almost double my previous long run) with 2 race pace miles at the end like it was no big deal.  Endurance is endurance is endurance, I guess.  I’ll take it.
  • Weather acclimation.  I may bitch about it, but I’m handling the summer temps like a champ.  I was super excited about today’s run which wasn’t even in the 90s!

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I’m sure this me doesn’t completely agree on the acclimation part.  I don’t have to like the heat, I just have to get through (and I did).

Weaknesses right now:

  • Overall speed.  I found a glimmer of hope in my relay race, but then figured out I was 13 sec/mile slower than last year (8:48 vs 9:09 pace), so there’s that.  I have been sacrificing any real speedwork to log enough hours to build endurance.
  • Brick work.  I usually do a lot of these, but tallying up my training, I’ve done only done 10 bricks in the last 4 months (counting races), and nothing longer than 4 miles (and mostly 1-2).  I used to push about 2 per week, and that might be overkill, because I tend to run really well off the bike in practice, but maybe that’s because I practiced it so often, hmmm?  Either way, I should be doing more than one every other week.
  • Ease on the TT bike.  I’ve solidly PR’d my last 2 bike legs, so something is going at least sorta right, but it’s hard for me to stay in aero.  On the trainer, it’s a comfort issue.  My crotch is simply not used to being smashed that way for that long yet in tri shorts, and I have to wiggle around to find the upper body position that’s correct and doesn’t make my arms and shoulders sore.  On the road, I’m just not confident in the position with traffic on the road.   Every car that passes, every turn, everytime something makes me jump… I am up out of aero.  Luckily, during races I’m less of a weenie.

So, how am I going to bridge the gap in the coming weeks?

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This is the goal.  This is always the goal.

Last half September focuses:

  • Eeking out more bike endurance.  I’d like a 50 mile ride to be NBD by October 1.  It’s totally doable right now but still kind of a BD.
  • A long ride approaching race distance on the TT bikes outside.  Planned for this weekend.
  • Ramping up the run miles.  I don’t plan on doing ANYTHING with intensity, save racing the Kerrville Olympic on Sept 25, but I need to be running: a) double digits every other week and b) running more often/more miles.
  • Weights are now in maintenance mode.  I will not be increasing reps or weights at this point. 1x week at the gym lifting, 1x week with bodyweights and bands at the most.
  • Swim, continue with the status quo. Twice a week, about a mile per session, open water when I can.

First half of October:

  • Longer run bricks.  I need to run some 10ks off the bike to feel better about running a half on race day.  I’m planning on a long simulation day, where I ride the actual 70.3 course and follow it up with a 10k run, as the last workout before taper time.
  • Bike intensity.  After I’m clear of the 3+ hour rides (which will start to ramp down at this point) and the fatigue fades, I want to at least CONTINUE with harder rides, if not up the ante to prepare my legs for those hills.
  • Continue with the run mile increase.  I plan to top out around a modest 25 mile peak week a few weeks out (and most should be about 15-20), so my legs should be in decent shape just in time.
  • This is where weights can start falling off if they need to.  I won’t be happy about skipping them entirely, but a quick 15-20 min band/core session 1-2x week will do.
  • Swimming as above.

Second half of October:

  • Bike and run endurance is in the bank by this time.  I need to use my best judgement to shed fatigue and keep form.  The best things I can do for myself are workouts that keep my sharp and that increase my confidence, which is usually shorter speed workouts (but not *too* many – I’ve done that and spent all my cash before race day).
  • Swim – since I’ll be backing off on the bike and the run, I’ll push this a little.  More open water race pace swims.
  • Weights – cut out entirely 2 weeks before the race.
  • Taper –
    • 25% reduction 3 weeks out (about 9 hours). Pretty much a normal week with a shorter long ride and long run.
    • 50% or more week 2 (6 hours).  This will really be my rest week.  If I’m feeling fatigue or burnout here, things will be cut to be shorter, less intense, or eliminated entirely.  There are two key workouts on the plan totaling 3 hours.  If that’s all I do, that’s fine.
    • Race week – something every day (save 2 days out) to keep myself sharp.  I generally don’t perform great IMMEDIATELY after a rest week, I need the training to pick up a little first.  I should have energy, enthusiasm, and feel like each session is way too short.  If not, the scissors come out again, because rest is priority.

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Attacking specific training for the next month and a half like…

Going through all this has helped me lay out a specific plan for the next 7 weeks.  Some of the stuff coming up in the next few weeks is a little intimidating, but exciting.  I’m genuinely excited to see what happens when I toe the line October 30th, and I haven’t been able to REALLY say that with enthusiasm in quite a while.  And that makes me more excited!

Perception vs Reality

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On September 12, 2016

In Uncategorized

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I’m well aware that this concept exists, and that the way I see the world is not necessarily the whole truth.  However, the universe has definitely been trying to hit me with the clue bat the last few days to drive that adage home.

Cases in point:

Study #1 – Work

I worked myself into an absolute TIZZY about my job last week, to the point where it was keeping me up at night, and I think it actually contributed to a minor 24 stomach bug issue (no appetite, upset stomach, chills, etc) mid-week.  Then, I had a frank discussion with my boss, who asked me straight out: is this a problem right now or fear for the future?

And it stopped me in my tracks.  I had to take a second and really consider it, but future unknowns were about 80% of the problem.  Yes, things are stressful right now, but it’s not abhorrently chaotic.  It’s next year I’m absolutely freaking out about.  With assurances that I wouldn’t have the same issue in the future, I was able to calm down fairly quickly.

Perception is that everything is completely out of control.  Reality is it’s loosely under control now and if everything goes as planned, it shouldn’t get worse.  Next year is next year.  There is no use losing sleep over it now.  I realized just hearing “yeah, of course you’re stressed and need help and we all know it and the plan is to fix it” was enough to take the uneasiness down to the normal dull roar it’s at during this time of the year.

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The session BEFORE my stomach bug really hit.  Pro tip: if you’re feeling sick, don’t sit in really cold air conditioning in a soaked-through sleeveless jersey for 15 minutes.

Study #2 – Training

Because I had said stomach bug, I missed my 8 mile long run Thursday morning and a weights session.  Skipping this key session, and not being able to make it up, left a window open and the doubt demons flew in.  How am I going to race a half ironman with a long run of 6 miles?  How am I letting myself be so unprepared for this race?  What is wrong with me?

Part of the issue is this year is SO different I have nothing to compare it to.  And when I consider what I AM doing, I’m ahead of the 8 ball in so many ways and things still have plenty of time to come together.

I think I rode my bike outside four times to get ready for my half in 2015, the rest were endurance class and trainer miles.  This year I ride outside 2-3 times a week and I’ve already had 2 long rides that were longer than my longest last year.  Last year I think I swam the 1.2 mile distance once in open water before the race.  This year, I’ve done it four times already (from 1.2 miles to 2.8 miles), albeit slow as molasses, but that’s the first step.

Perception is that I should be way further along than I am.  Reality is that the timeline has shifted five weeks, and I’m actually doing GREAT.  Being that I have pretty decent bike and swim endurance, and I’m halfway there on the run, I’m not doing too badly 7 weeks out.  I think reassessing my plans and laying in some key sessions to hit over the next few weeks will help.

sept12-3

#junkinmytrunk #thegoodkind

Study #3 – The Scale

While the progress is still inching the correct way, it’s definitely sloooooooow.  And it’s no surprise when I went on vacation and didn’t track, and spent half the week last week not tracking because the sky was falling, apparently.

I’m also getting to the point where the weight loss has slowed for enough time, that my body shape is not this new exciting thing.  So the mirror has gone back from “yay” to “eh… alright”.  Every time I step on the scale, I’m like UGH, I must have gained weight.  And I haven’t.  Body dysmorphia is very very weird.  I mean, there are days I think I look alright in my glasses, I’ll change to my contacts, and feel fatter.  I *know* it’s bullshit, but it’s what my eyes see.

Flashback to yesterday, when I met some friends I hadn’t seen in a little while.  They were gushing over how tan, glowing, healthy, and muscular I was looking.  Another one said I looked 20 years old in a picture.  For someone like me, who has so long had my eyes so closely on the details and minutiae of losing fat, maintaining a healthy physique, and absolutely not regressing to my obese, can’t-walk-across-the-street-without-getting-winded self from 10 years agp… sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

Perception in the mirror right now is that I still have a long road ahead, especially with how slow I’m losing weight, and the fact that I’ll probably need to pause for at least a season to prepare for and race Ironman.  Reality is that I’m comfortably wearing a shirt that I would have busted out of a few months ago, and with patience and persistence, I’ll get there eventually, wherever there ends up being.

Let’s do that details thing.

sept7-4

Training last week:

  • Monday: 53 mile ride on the Austin 70.3 course.
  • Tuesday: 30 minute cruiser ride to the store and back.
  • Wednesday: 2 mile easy run, 1000m easy swim, 17 mile recovery ride
  • Thursday: impromptu day off
  • Friday: ~1 mile warmup run, 2.5 mile relay race in 23 mins (about 9:07 pace).
  • Saturday: 4500m swim in 1:45.
  • Sunday: 70 min cruiser ride to dinner and back

Again with the perception and reality – my instinct was to be like “well, guess it’s an impromptu rest week”, and then I go look at my logs in dailymile, and I did 9.5 hours.  While I can take issue with the *quality* of training in there (maybe a little less cruiser and do my weights actually and more running), the hours themselves are solid.

This week, the goal is to do things a little more intentionally.

  • Monday: quickie band weights at lunch, Taco Deli group ride (~20-ish miles)
  • Tuesday: 2 mile easy run AM (or failing that, as a brick after class), 30 min pool swim lunch, pain cave cycle class PM
  • Wednesday: gym weights lunch, PM BSS recovery ride
  • Thursday:  10 mile long run (yeah, its a stretch… it’ll be slow… but I’m ready for those double digits), 30 min swim lunch
  • Friday: off or makeup day (if I miss something above)
  • Saturday: 40-45 miles of speedwork on TT bikes, 3 mile brick run (at least last mile fast, all of it tempo pace if I can make that happen)
  • Sunday: off.

This is looking like a solid 12 hour week, which would be my peak so far this season.  It’s a lot.  I feel like I’m ready to conquer it, especially knowing that I’ll be shutting it down a bit next week to get ready to race the Olympic at Kerrville.

Food/Scale:

Weight loss last week: down 0.5 lbs to 181.8 average.  Again, slow as molasses, but the right direction.  I’m regularly in the high 170s on the not-as-evil black scale.

Let’s just move forward on the rest of it.  I don’t think I did *that* badly on food (hence the loss), but without data from tracking, I can’t measure all that much.  This week’s goals are:

  • Track every day.  Even the weekend.  My goal at the very least is to put in my food for the day before I go to bed, quicker is more useful.
  • Aim for -1000 calories down on fitbit UNLESS it’s unbearable.  Never sacrifice fruits/veggies/training food to keep calories down.
  • I’ve been DECENT at this lately, but we’ll continue to mention those 5 fruits and veggies per day.
  • Weigh every day.  Not just the days I feel skinny in the morning. 😛

I just did a crash course in Sports Nutrition this weekend – all the course work and the videos.  I just need to study and pass the open book, online test, hopefully this week.  While it was 90% stuff I already knew, there were a few things I picked up that I might work into my life.  However, if I’m struggling to meet the above goals, I shouldn’t add MORE new stuff.  I’ll make notes and work it in eventually.

That being said, the videos convinced me to add a fish oil cap to my daily vitamin regime.  Anyone have suggestions about ones that don’t taste fishy?

sept12-5

The lake is the best place for me to calm my shit.  I went twice this weekend. I had a lot of shit to calm.

Life Stuff:

With it being my peak week, I’m just basically trying to stay sane, get sleep, and get through the week.

  • 8+ hours of sleep per night.  Non-negotiable.  At the very least, my 2 day average should be 8 or greater.
  • Take and pass my Sports Nutrition Specialist test.  I had expected the class to take longer, but since I rocked through it over the weekend so quickly, I want to make sure I don’t lose that knowledge before the test.  Attempting to do it Wednesday. Saturday night or Sunday will be my backup, but I’d like to get it done this week for sure.
  • Fun stuff: gaming with friends Thursday.  Family over for birthday celebrations Saturday.  Last wah-pah trip Sunday.

And I believe that will do it for this particular Monday.

Failing just a little at everything

By

On September 7, 2016

In Uncategorized

Vacation was amazing and awesome and beautiful and typically, there are two ways I come back from a break: refreshed and ready to go, or longing to be there or anywhere else.  Sadly, I’m in the second category.  Spending a week playing outside (ie, not locked in a windowless box 8+ hours a day) made it really really really hard to want to go back to work.  I’m not sure what to do about that besides endure the ride through the harsh comedown and continue to work on my goals without suffering a nervous breakdown from a whole lot of too much and not enough at the same time.  So, that’s where I am.

sept7-1

#bedhairdontcare

It’s not all bad (actually, mostly not-at-all bad), so let’s go over some of the highlights, shall we?

This weekend was brought to you by the word BIKE.

On Saturday, our goal was to log some major miles on the TT bike in Pflugerville.  Because we missed a few running opportunities last week (running is SO HARD in summer because morning or treadmill or heatstroke), we decided to host the first unofficial Labor Day Pflugerville duathlon with a field size of two.  The distances were either 3 or 3.1 mile runs, depending on which gender you were representing sandwiched around a 31 mile bike ride.

Things started out a little hairy.  My plan was to run easy the first loop, and then hit it harder after riding, which I vocalized.  My husband went out like a rocket instead (I only rolled my eyes at him a little – love ya dear!) and I just kept telling myself I was doing me this run, not trying to keep up.

sept7-2

Love this guy, but running with him is a challenge…

After a quick change and two adjustments to my cleats to fix a problem, we were off and riding… and sadly, my love of riding at Lake PF is starting to wane.  It was super traffic-y the way we started, the roads have degraded to such poor conditions you sometimes HAVE to just ride in the middle of the road for your safety (and cars have to deal, no matter how much they want to honk and be impatient).  And then we had a truck blow a stop sign which made me have to slam on brakes coming down a hill (where I had right of way and no stop) and Zliten came inches from wrecking into my tire.  Fucking trucker asshat.

Then we got to the quieter section, and things got better.  By the end of the ride, I was actually having a good time, was in a good mood, and actually excited to run even though it was super hot.  I might actually be able to do 56 miles on this bike in this weird funky aero position at the end of next month (ack) and 112 miles in April (double ack!).

And, I have to brag since it’s been about 6 month since this happened… on the second post-bike lake loop, I had a pretty great run in the heat and beat my pace by over 1 min/mile and also passed Zliten.  He admittedly had died in the heat, but still.  Little victories.

After food and a quick lazy river stop, we hightailed it to a keg and pool party.  Sounds very college, but our host won a contest at one of the local breweries, so it was at least a classy keg party!  We bike commuted there, planning to leave around sunset, and then because beer and friends and safety and stuff, we got a ride home and picked up our bikes the next day.

sept7-3

Bike check in station.  The view sucked.

While I didn’t actually ride bikes Sunday, I volunteered at Tri Rock bike check in on Sunday morning/afternoon.  For 4 hours, I got to help people get to the right place, answer a lot of newbie questions (<3), and generally walk, stand, and sweat a lot because it was feels like 113 when I left.  After that, we took our TT bikes in for a tuneup and they got a quick little spa day.  After a late late lunch, we ran errands and dropped the TT bikes off and picked up our cruiser bikes from the party, and on the way home, we grabbed a beer with friends we haven’t seen in a while.

By 7:30pm Sunday, we had been home a total of 5 minutes the whole weekend, and I’m pretty sure we had been constantly caked with either sweat or chlorine for 2 days.  The shower was magical.  But… then it was Labor Day.  No work, no one out on the roads in the morning… you just HAVE to ride bikes, right?

So, we did just that.  We jumped at the chance to ride the Austin IM 70.3 course during this perfect window of calm.  It was beautiful.  It was hot.  Country roads and streams and greenery!  But… country roads mean chipseal, and some roads were so rough I thought I was going to pop fillings.  There were some awesome roads to just cruise on.  However, most of it was pretty hilly (I think… 2k of climbing in 53 miles seems like a decent amount to me…).  I went back and forth between I LOVE THIS COURSE! and I WANT TO GET AN UBER HOME!  I ate and drank enough, I think, but I forgot my electrolyte tabs until 2 hours in, and on a sweltering day, that was a mistake.

sept7-4

Still in <3 with the course at this point.

Generally the first time I ride a course I suck at it and then next time I’m better.  If nothing else, I got that out of the way before race day.  I want to come back and ride it a few more times so I can anticipate all the crappy parts and enjoy the good ones.  I also want to come back when 53 miles is not a SUPER LONG RIDE.  So I guess I have to ride more bikes.  Oh darn.

Beyond the bikes, the rest of the week felt like this.

The best I can do at life right now is to fail a little bit (instead of a lot) at everything so nothing is completely neglected.

sept7-5

A couple more weeks and it will be cooler.  A couple more weeks and it will be cooler.  A couple more weeks and it will be cooler.

Cases in point below:

  • Haven’t seen our families (who would probably love to see us every week) since Aug 5th.  We have one weekend window on the 17th of this month and then maybe one more until Thanksgiving.  I’m sure they think we’re shitty kids, but our retired parents just don’t quite understand how busy everything is and that once a month IS us making shit shift around so we can prioritize them.
  • We prioritized social stuff last week and weekend, and it left me feeling exhausted.  I need to watch out for this, or I get in my “burnt out and hating people” mode and social stuff becomes a chore.  However, if I swing too far the other way, I have major FOMO depression and feel like a terrible friend.  It’s a huge balancing act being just enough of a jerk but not too much.
  • There’s some stuff that needs to be handled differently at work, and I’m yelling my ass off about it, but I have a feeling it will need to fail before it gets attention.  I’m trying to come to terms with it, but it’s hard to have to actually watch something probably go up in flames before it can be fixed.
  • I’m missing about 1-2 workouts a week.  Considering I plan about 10-12 sessions per week, that’s not the end of the world.  It’s just hard to have to just mark out my yahtzee week after week.  Prioritizing weights and cycling, and the fact that it’s summer and I love swimming, has typically meant that running gets the short end of the stick lately.
  • And guess what sport feels the most iffy right now?  Yeah.  I keep telling myself that once it gets a little cooler I can run at lunch, and running at lunch means I can get in a lot more miles more easily… but hopefully it’s not too little too late for Austin 70.3.  I’m 8 weeks out and my weekly mileage is about 10-13 and my long run is 6.  Yeah.  Not ideal.
  • I can’t seem to figure out the waking up before work for workouts either.  I mean, I know what the problem is – I just can’t go to bed on time. I even tried setting myself a bed time daily last week and I’m missing it sometimes by 4 hours when I say “fuck it” and need some extra downtime awake.
  • My house is a flippin’ mess, we haven’t completely unpacked from vacation, there are boxes everywhere now that we’re trying to clean out the office, I can’t seem to get my ass in gear to batch cook right now, and I need to accept this is going to be how life will be until after the IM in April.
  • I took 3 weeks off class as of today and realized that if I just let myself, it would never get done.  So, I made myself a schedule with the max I think I can handle per week without going insane… and it takes me through February.  Sigh.  I was hoping to be done WAYYY quicker than that.
  • While I am happy the scale is continuing to decline, I’m at about 1-2 lbs a month.  This involves actually tracking and TRYING to stay -1000 calories under what fitbit says my burn is (and, like the theme, fail just a little).

So, as you can see, there’s a lot going on in my life to fail at!  I guess you might more positively frame that as progress and not perfection, but I’m feeling salty, so we’re not going there, okay?  This is truly and simply how August and September usually go around here.  Utter chaos.  Every year. I just finally found a way to put the exact feeling into words.

What am I going to do about it?

sept7-6

I’m going to eat all of this in one sitting.  Oops. 

I’m going to attempt to stop worrying about this shit that doesn’t matter.  It does not matter if my house is not in order (except the 1-2 days a month where it does and I’ll deal with that then).  Work is work and it will be what it will be.  I will do what I can to change things while I’m here, but try to keep my mind away from the things I CAN’T.

Think really hard about social invites.  Is it someone special to me I haven’t seen in a while?  Is it going to be super fun?  Is it going to stress me out with my other obligations?  Let that answer be the guide.  If the answer is no, make future (even if it’s a month or two out) plans to try to tell the people I really care about know they are loved but life is just chaos.  For example, I have an opportunity that I REALLY want to jump on next weekend, but I know it will leave me ragged.  So I have to adult and say no to it.

Keep plugging away on the things that need plugging.  Two class modules a week.  Eating good stuff and not too much bad stuff because even if it’s slow, it IS working.  Hitting as much training as my mind and body allows and not sweating missing an easy 3 mile run if life gets in the way.  Go to fucking bed when I’m supposed to sleep.

And the big thing – forgive myself when I fail just a little bit at some of these things, because I know I’m doing the best I can right now.  I’m not lazy or unmotivated, just overwhelmed.  And failing just a little still means progress, so there’s that.

Let’s end this with a few short goals for this week.  They’ll look familiar if you’ve been around here much.

sept7-7

One goal – trust that my body knew exactly what it wanted the day we got back from vacation and eat lots more of this stuff.

  • Hit my training the rest of the week as much as possible.
    • Running: 8-10 mile long run, relay race (short fast run)
    • Swimming: 4500m distance challenge lake swim
    • Weights – 2 sessions.  One gym, one home (less intense).
    • Biking – recovery ride tonight, more miles this weekend if possible.
  • Try to stay at -1000 calories per day according to fitbit (which I’m going to actually guess is more like -500 calories for me), eat 5 fruits/veggies per day.
  • Go to sleep when my schedule says go to sleep. 9-10pm is the goal most nights.
  • Read all my Sports Nutrition course material this week (it’s only ~55 pages).
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.

NOTE: it’s all small stuff. 🙂

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About Me

I'm a video game producer and a lover of anything game related by trade.  I'm a triathlete by hobby.  I live for being on or in the water as much as I can - scuba diving, snorkeling, paddleboarding, water slides... you name it.  The dichotomy between my outdoor and indoor realities are interesting, but they're all mine!  Longer version here...

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