Hawt or Nawt? Superficial Rambles Ahead…

So when I started this journey at 265 lbs I really doubted I would get very far, but damned if I wasn’t gonna try.  I had, basically, a few levels of “final goals”.  The first was under 200, because I hadn’t been there since college.  The second was 170, which was around what I weighed when Zliten and I started dating, and I felt like a supah fly honey.  150 was the weight where the scale said “hey, you’re normal”, though I’m pretty sure if I got the body fat test, I’d have been normal for a while.  125 was gymnast weight, and as low as I said I’d possibly want to go.

I passed 200 around my 29th birthday (March 2008), I passed 170 around August 2008, and now, I’m hanging out here around 150…and have been for a few months.  I set another arbitrary goal of 135 for myself – not quite gymnast weight, somewhere in the middle of normal BMI-land, and a perfectly reasonable thing to weight for a 5’5″ gal of the muscular persuasion.

However, it’s occured to me that maybe I’m done.  What’s the difference in weighing 150 and 135?  A pants size?  Is it going to magically flatten my belly?  Is it worth the hassle?  The guilt in the back of my head saying, “I know you’re eating to sustain yourself with all this training, but this would be the PERFECT time to just cut calories and lose lose lose super quick.  You can deal with the exhaustion and grumpies!   It’s temporary!   Just do it!”?  What is losing another 10/15/25 lbs going to do for me?  Am I going to only be able to run the distance I want if I shed more weight?  Otherwise, what does it matter besides the image in the mirror?

I’m still deciding, I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of trying to lose 15 more lbs once this half is over, but I’m considering it.  It’s still a very healthy weight for me, and in theory would take about a 3 month commitment to do.  However, I spent a lot of time looking around me at other people on vacation and realized how really not bad I am in the grand scheme of fitness.  It took being in a different setting and not seeing the same people in the same town.  I’ve just come back home with this confidence and good feeling about the way I look.  Physical fitness will be something I work to improve for the rest of my life, but there needed to be a point where I looked in the mirror most days and thought – “hawt”.  I might possibly just be there.

Now “hawt” does not equal perfect.  I can only rock a bikini top and swimsuit skirt bottom on the skinniest of days.  I still have this protrusion of flesh that sticks out above my belly button, and a pooch beneath it.  I can pick out my flaws, just like everyone can.  I’m sure even the size 00s complain about the lack of symnetry in their emaciated ribs or something.

“Hawt” does equal self confidence.  Maybe it’s just me being a superficial and horrible person, though I doubt it, but when I walk into a room, I want the consensus to be – “hawt”.  Now, being engaged to be married, I do not want to leverage that power in any real and physical way.  I simply want someone that first meets me to have a favorable opinion of my appearance.  Actually, I don’t even really care if they really do or not – I just need the confidence to THINK they do.  I’m starting to believe I’m there.

I guess the kicker is that when I had a great physique, I was too young and ackward to even consider that maybe someone thought I was attractive.  Also, I’m sure the coke bottle glasses and braces for a while didn’t help.  In my life, I have been lauded for my talents in many areas, my athleticism, my smarts, my career-saviness, my work ethic, my drive, and many other things.  I’m not just a bimbo looking for attention.  I have other things going for me besides a pretty face, a skinny waist, and some healthy knockers.  It just feels like full confidence in my physical appearance I’ve never had is the final piece of the puzzle on the way to world domination, ya know.

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I had to ramble.  The only thing I’m sure of is once I say I’m DONE – I’m actually done.  I really want to clear my head of the idea of losing weight.  I don’t want to say that I’m happy at 150 and then really secretly hope that the scale keeps going down.  They say an all or nothing attitude is bad, and I try to stay away from it in most areas, but this is one thing I cannot bend on.

How is your self-image today?  Do you remember a time (or are living it) where you walked in a room and felt powerful simply because of your physical attributes?  Is this a horrible thing to want?