Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Ironman Vocabulary

I’ve trained for marathons and 70.3 races, but Ironman training is just a whole different animal.  I’ve even learned some new vocabulary words in the last month or two that I’d like to share with y’all.

Ready for a night on the town couch.

Swim pajamas – the clothes you wear either to or from swimming (or both) because you can’t be arsed to put on real clothes

Day off – just a 30 minute spin or swim.  And a weights session.  Oh, and stretching and foam rolling.

Light day – just a 30 minute spin, weights, and an hour easy run.  And stretching and foam rolling.

Doubles – two workouts a day, or a light day.

Triples – ah, that’s more normal (three workouts in a day).

Proof I don’t always wear race tees and spandex.

Dressing up – not wearing ALL spandex today

Really dressing up – my hair has no sweat in it since I have showered last, and I may or may not have actually brushed it.

Really, really dressing up – I have traded in my chapstick for lipstick.  The effort may or may not have killed me.

First snack – the snack you get while you’re making your real snack that will hold you over until your meal is ready.

Snack – something that other people would probably consider a meal, comes between first snack and mealtime.

Low Carb – only eating one source of carbs at a meal (a sandwich) instead of 3 (spaghetti with garlic bread and a brownie for dessert).

An appropriate amount of carbs during IM training… (just ignore the fat content…)

Second Meal – when you finish your dinner and track your calories and realize you need a whole extra meal or you’ll be in super huge calorie debt.

The window – the 30 minutes or less between your workout and eating.  Don’t fuck with the window.  Don’t fuck with a triathlete who is approaching the end of the window.  Best case: you’ll get snapped at.  Worst case: your finger will get snapped off.

Hangry – Hell hath no fury like a hungry triathlete.  Do not pass GO, do not collect 200$, go directly to a place which has calories available to consume.

Priorities – Having the energy to bike for 7 hours does not mean I also have the energy to leave the couch after or the next day (unless it’s for a recovery ride).

Recovery – The excuse I’m giving you as to why I’m not cleaning the house right now or going to your thing that does not involve swimming, biking, or running, and is really far away from my couch.

Workout room – A place to put all your triathlon gear.  Includes tri bike, road bike, cruiser bike, seven different helmets, ten bike tubes (some are flat and YOU TOTALLY WILL PATCH THEM LATER), a bike pump, a broken bike pump you haven’t thrown away yet, a smart trainer, a backup “dumb” trainer, a slightly janky treadmill that’s better than nothing in a pinch if there’s lightning literally striking your house repeatedly so you can’t go outside, a bunch of abandoned weights, all the bike tools, five pairs of leaky goggles that ARE JUST FINE IN THE POOL until you remember they really aren’t, 200 swim caps from races, four different single earplugs, three old backup garmins (that aren’t charged), two pairs of clip on aero bars, four yoga mats, three foam rollers, ten different flashy run and bike lights for night workouts, four wetsuits, and this nifty massager thing that you used once in 2012.

…and this is the AFTER picture, believe it or not…

Cooldown (optimal) – some easy effort for 10 mins and then 10 mins of stretching

Cooldown (time crunched) – walking to the shower still sweating and half assed stretches at your desk later.

Cooldown at a race – getting your medal, limping to the nearest curb, falling over and crying a little while trying to drink Gatorade.

D: <- this is the only caption I have for this face.

Fashion – look how my socks match my kit! See also #sockdoping

Shopping spree – ordering new running shoes a new bike kit and that really cool garmin you’ve been eyeing for months.

Shopping spree (alternate) – signing up for all the races.

#sockdoping – legal performance enhancing benefits via cycling in cool socks.

Laundry – one basket for workout clothes, one for regular clothes.  The workout clothes one fills up first, always.  Related: bike trainers make great extra drying racks.

Poor Death Star… so abused…

Optimal race hotel – close enough to walk to the race and has food and a bar within a block, aka limping distance.  Required: fridge and microwave for pre-race food and post race leftovers to eat when you wake up hangry again at 3am.

Pre race food – obnoxiously picked to be the perfect blend of carbs, protein, and has been tested and perfected over many many years to sit well in the stomach.

Post race food – my body is a fucking dumpster and I will fill it with EVERYTHING I can from the finish line to the restaurant to the bar to snacks later.

HTFU – my crotch hurts but I’m still getting on my bike for a recovery ride the day after a century because I hate my private parts and want to punish them.

#mfw riding bikes for a month straight.

Pain Free – nothing NEW hurts on me

Niggles – I’m three workouts away from a stress fracture

Injury – an appendage is LITERALLY off my body

Tired – this my normal condition daily on a good day

Exhausted – a little more tired than normal, aka, week 2 of a 3 week training block.

Knackered – I cannot understand how to make sense of the world and function right now, or most of week 3 of a 3 week training block.

Sore – Stairs and curbs are the mortal enemy of my soul.  Walking is hard.  Can you bend over and retrieve this sock for me?   …I better go for a swim/spin/easy jog to stretch things out.


A little looking back, a little more looking forward.


#letsgetdizzy – Pace Bend 6 hour race

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