Adjusted Reality

While I’ve been really heavy into the triathlon stuff lately, my humble start was running.  I can definitely call myself a runner without raising an eyebrow, whereas I couldn’t call myself a cyclist or a swimmer yet without a snicker.  Perhaps a triathlete (though that still feels uncomfortable having only been at it a year and completing 3), but I feel more like a runner with a cycling and swimming problem (nod to the hash house harriers – they call themselves a drinking group with a running problem :D).

Runs have been tough lately.  Between back issues (running is the last thing to come back fully – I can cycle and swim without any issues, but when running, it reminds me until I am 100% healed), disappointing paces, changing schedules, and just some general ennui with things, running and I have been a bit out of sorts.  Particularly outdoor running, haven’t had a good one of those in a while.

Driving to a chinese restaurant in my ‘hood for some lunch, and then back, I realized that it felt weird to be traveling that route in a car, because I so often ran it.  Then, feeling a damn lot of pride that I’ve traversed so much of my neighborhood, and quite a few surrounding ones, on fleet running feet.  I know where the potholes are to avoid.  I know where the hills are, the flats are, and the slight downhills where I can really open up.  I know where the puppies are to say hi to.  I know to avoid the 4 cats outside at one place.

I definitely have brief snippets of what I remember about the various neighborhoods I’ve lived in.  Everything from bulletholes outside (yay first apartment) to drunken walks home from our neighborhood bar, to cool creaky bridges, to *way* too many screaming kids, but this one?  Definitely, I will remember pounding every inch of said pavement and knowing the roads much better on foot or on bike than I do in my car.

Then there’s the camaraderie, even though I’m a lone wolf, so to speak, as I don’t have a running partner.  The other runners, walkers, and bikers out keep me from feeling too lonely.  Sometimes it’s a smile and nod, sometimes it’s a high five, but no matter what, it’s an acknowledgment that have both earned our entrance into a secret club of awesome people!

Beyond the obvious health reasons, and besides my obvious pride and feeling of accomplishment with running new distances and/or personal records, there is more.  I need to remember that when I’m on crappy run #3 in a row or I have to tone down my paces due to heat, injury recovery, bad days, etc.  There is more to it than just the numbers on the treadmill or my garmin.

Hell, even Zliten, who definitely prefers the cycling to a run, finally was cleared to take his first treadmill run today since the great Gladiator Games debacle, and after, he said he felt much better, more like himself.  There is a magic that doesn’t happen with other sports or activities.  That endorphin rush, the “runner’s high”, is like no other.  It may feel a little more intense after PR’ing a half marathon or something, but I still got a decent hit even after my 12:00 minute mile back-hurty run.

Some people detest the treadmill, but I like it.  There is something to be said about a controlled climate, even and soft terrain, and being able to scientifically and methodically push my pace.  Speedwork is rarely as successful or enjoyable outside (unless I can get to the track in nice weather, that’s fun too), and what better to work on hill repeats than a surface I can click with the touch of a button.  My gym has little TVs attached to the ‘mills, so I can zone out.  For some reason, I default to: a) gameshows – wheel of fortune or minute to win it really distract me from the task at hand, b) cartoons – simpsons or the like, though anything works, or c) food porn – love the iron chef or man vs food.  Makes me think about running faster so I can get through faster and get home and have dinner.

One of the best things I love about running though?  I get to zone out and listen to music and have time to myself.  Not time to think or worry or plan or scheme or schedule or dream, just really time to be.  To be present.  In the moment.  A good hard run means not only can I not talk, but I can’t really think.  Active meditation.  Head clears, and the only thought is your body placement, stride, foot strike, how far you’ve gone, how far to go, and how fast you are going.  The ol’ grey matter isn’t letting through work worry, body image worry, life worry, or anything.  It is time just to exist and function as a moving object.

What do you love most about running?

Between the horrible emotional trauma (/sarcasm) I endured by feeling like I BOMBED my last race, my back tweak (all better now, thanks), Zliten’s shoulder injury in which he is STILL not cleared to do any running, outdoor biking, or swimming, and this oppressive heat lately (love it for hangin’ out, grilling, cocktails on the patio, lake frolicking, HATE it for outdoor workouts), I have not been incredibly gung ho about the workouts lately.  Also, that it probably the most impressive run on sentence I’ve written in a while.  Let me distract you with a picture of me riding a Jackalope.

…anyhoo.  Yeah, not feeling it.  I’ve been doing them.  My goal has been 2 arms, 2 abs, 1 leg, 3 runs, 2 bikes, 2 swims, at least one of those bikes and runs outside.  Last week, I hit it all.  This week, the back waylaid me a little, as did work one day, and I missed one run (which would have been the outside one) and one ab workout.   It’s not the volume, it’s the effort in each one.  I just don’t feel like I’m rocking these things.  I don’t have that feeling like when I was training for the half last February and hitting paces and feeling flippin’ solid about it.  I don’t have the feeling like last year when I was training through the summer and getting prepared for my tris and just being EXCITED about what I was doing.

I’ve now been at this exercise thing regularly for the greater part of 4 years, so this is not my first rodeo.  This feeling comes and goes.  It’s awesome when it’s sunshine and roses, and a lot of the time, it is.  But when the mean little rainclouds start interfering with my mojo, you just have to get through it.  Get the shoes on and go.  Good tunes.  Find something to look forward to about each workout.  Failing that, just thinking about how great I’ll feel when it’s over.

Also, the combination of it being ridici-hot and work starting to encroach on my evening workouts a little too often without warning, I’m going to move the majority of my sweat sessions to pre-work.  I did this 5 days per week 2 springs ago training for my half, and I loved it.  I just fell out of it and I’ve not been able to regularly do that since.  Well, it’s time to bring it back.  I had a little mini tantrum last week because I had to stay late and then analyzed why.  It’s not that I don’t love my job and want to do what’s necessary – it was that I was going to have to miss my workout because the gym was closing.  So it’s easy to solve that problem – our arrival at work can be anywhere between 8 and 10 am.  I’m usually somewhere between 8:30 and 9:15.  I can switch that to 9:45-10 and just get my butt up a wee bit earlier and get my workout done.

It’s easy to say this, but it’s a little harder to put into practice when that alarm goes off.  I’ve intended to do some morning workouts but, let’s just say sleep won almost every time.  I am just not a self starter in the morning.  It’s gotten better, but I’m far from being happy about getting up and getting out first thing.  Tomorrow is my swim/bike brick outside with Du Loopers after work, but the rest of the week?  Attempting to shift to morningsauce workouts.  Since it takes 3 weeks to create a habit – my goal is at the very least 3 mornings each week are workouts.  To get an hour in before work I need to be at the gym or out the door by 8:30 at the latest, so that means 8 am good morning sunshine.  It’s only 30-ish minutes earlier than normal, but just like decreasing my 5k pace lately, or losing weight, it’s like climbing up the side of a mountain in a snowstorm to become comfortable with earlier mornings even by a little bit.

But, it must be done.  I need more outside time.  I need to not be throwing temper tantrums when life throws me a curveball.  This will help both become a reality.  Unless I find some other reason to pout about, which is highly likely, but whatevs – life can set the roadblocks up, I’ll continue to knock em down.

Maybe morning workouts will be just what I need to get my mojo back.

Happy National Running Day!  Although my back is a little stiff (between 8 hours of cleaning on Sunday and laundry yesterday), it’s definitely not in pain.  So I think I can partake!  While I’d like to be celebrating outside, it’s about 11ty billion degrees outside (even at 9am, it was 81 degrees and felt like 85), and softer surfaces are better for my back anyway. I would skip it and run when I feel 100%, but I realized I have not yet celebrated this day since I started running.  So even if it’s a short, slow, run, I will persevere.

Other than that, I kinda ate like crap all Memorial Day weekend (zero meals at home), s0 the scale is quite inflated, but I know it’s all salt and the booze.  It will come back off.  I need to be good for a little while.  I’ve had two extra days off work (I need to take 15 days by the end of the year, and don’t think that taking off the entire month of December is an option), and that’s meant fending for myself for breakfast and lunch at home.  I’m finding that I would eat lots of small meals and very little meat – but it’s probably out of convenience, not what actually makes me happy.  For example, today I’ve had greek yogurt w/oats (10am) and tea, apple w/peanut butter (noon), a sprouted grain english muffin, cream cheese, and turkey sausage (3pm), carrots and hummus (4pm), and later I will have my first full real meal of sketti, homemade meat sauce, w/spinach and broccoli.  Sounds like a lot of food from my calorie counting days, but now it’s just a lot of good clean eatin’.

The exceptions this week: tomorrow – we have a lunch date at catfish parlour (fried catfish).  Sure they have grilled, but uh, gross, and it’s drenched in butter anyway.  So I’m just going to get a small.  Also that night – game dev beer night.  Going to eat a healthy dinner at home and try to not go completely overboard.  Saturday night – dinner and drinks downtown at a gourmet hot dog place.  Again, going to indulge in a dog but stay away from a bunch of sides and/or sugary drinks.

Training-wise, I pretty much hit all my goals last week – 2 arm workouts, 2 ab workouts, 1 leg workout, 3 runs, 2 swims, 2 bikes (1 bike and run brick outside).  This week, however, my back (as I said above) is kinda buggin’, so I’ve only done 1 swim, 1 ab, and after tonight, I’ll rack up 1 run and another arms.  I don’t think I’m going to be able to do as much this week.  I’m a little frustrated with the lack of quality training, but I just have to remember that I’m not superwoman.  This body is not immune to injury.  Things will get better even if they are frustrating right now.

I need to also accept that continuing to search for PRs I was setting 20 lbs ago when I did lots of strength training might be causing some of these problems.  I can get back there (and kick those times in the ass), I just need to GET BACK THERE.  Working on it.  The strength training is a no brainer, I’m on it (though I have to avoid SOME of it this week due to owies).  The eating is more complicated but again, working on it.  Besides those exceptions listed above, it’s good and clean home food.  Hopefully that makes my body, and the scale, happy.

Here is where I’d like to get back to:

Around 155 lbs, nice visible muscles in my arms and legs, and training outside like a badass all the time.  I’ve totally progressed in some areas, but regressed in some that I’m not willing to give up.

Goals for the next three weeks:

-At least one bike and one run outside per week (I know I will get at least 2 open water swims in before the tri so I’m not worried)

-Eating no more than 4 meals out per week, and not using those as an excuse to eat like an asshole.  Home food can be consumed in as much quantities as I want, out food needs to be portion controlled and regulated, just like before.

-2 arm, 2 ab, 1 leg strength session per week

-3 runs, 2 bikes, 2 swims per week (but minding my back, I will shrink/stretch these as needed, but will have at the very least 7-30 min segments of cardio).

3 weeks fr0m now, let’s see where I’m at.  Low weight from last week was 166.2.  I’d like to see under 165.  I think I can do it.

I’m really thinking that my race goals for the summer are going to change for the less.  I will do the tri in 2.5 weeks, and then… I’m thinking really just work on the strength and short paces over the summer.  I’ll do a race in Aug/Sept in Portland, I want to do another tri in Sept/Oct (and this will be my “A” race), and I’d sure love to do it right around my goal weight.. and see what happens from there.

I may need to throw SOMETHING in there or I’ll get bored, but it doesn’t need to be every weekend.

I apparently have a few new folks checking out the old bloggy blog, and I’ve been really heavy into wanking about my progress scale-wise, health-wise, and race-wise, so I figured I’d slide into a nice long weekend (5 days! so excited!) with 10 random things about myself that wouldn’t be apparent from reading my recent posts/bio…

1.  As a child, I never had a “dream job” that lasted very long.  I wanted to be a waitress.  A math teacher.  An actress.  A gymnastics coach/dance choreographer.  A novelist.  A professor.  An artist.  A web designer.  It boggles my mind that once I left college, I have been in the same industry working on the same things (online video games) for 10 years.  The sole 10 years of my professional career.  I figured I’d be on mid-career crisis #3 at least by now.

2.  I can label my religious beliefs as agnostic existentialist, basically, I have faith that something is out there, and I’ll continue to reevaluate what I think is the truth throughout my life as I gain experiences.  I believe there is something up there saving babies and drunks from falling off high rise ledges, and there is way too much in this world this is unable to be explained except through the intervention of something beyond humanity.  I don’t believe that something worth worshiping is a vengeful and wrathful spirit who thinks less of me if I don’t spend a lot of my day bowed down to he/she/it.  I believe in celebrating what we can’t explain by trying to be the best person I can be.  Also, when I was little, my mom asked if I wanted us to go to church (we didn’t), and I said “No, I’d rather sleep in.”  That might be part of my beliefs too. ::grin::

3.  Before 3 years ago, I had never run more than a mile.  Ever.  My best mile time was 7th grade (7:50) and I can run a mile below that pace comfortably.  However, I certainly can’t do the splits anymore or backflips, so it’s definitely a matter of you are what you train for.  Though… I did pull a 1 1/2 flip off the diving board two summers ago…

4.  I feel naked unless I have sunglasses, my engagement/wedding ring, watch, necklace, earrings, and lipstick on.  I don’t consider myself a girly girl, but I love dresses and skirts (I just think they’re comfortable).  When I was super heavy, I *only* wore skirts because it allowed me to deny how heavy I’d gotten since I didn’t have to deal with pants sizes.

5.  On this new low salt way of eating, the thing I eat most when I cook at home is… TACOS.  Seriously.  It is so easy to make healthy, lower sodium, delicious meals wrapped in corn tortillas.  Chicken, extra lean beef (I guess you could sub ground turkey too but that shit is nasty), tilapia, shrimp, veggies… with a dab of greek yogurt, homemade pico (all the veggies, with no extra salt, and I don’t miss it at all), lower sodium beans, and some lower sodium hot sauce – so freakin’ good.  We have fish tacos at least once a week and usually some other sort of tacos another day.

6.  I’ve never had a manicure, pedicure, facial, waxing, scrub, seaweed wrap, etc.  Every time I *think* about spending money on spa treatments, I just find something else I want more.  Like races.  Vacations. Clothes.  Electronics.  Night out on the town.  See #4 – not really a girly girl.

7.  Even though I am a fairly high ranking manager, I occasionally feel amazed that people respect me and/or follow my direction.  It stems from the fact that as much as I try, sometimes I feel like I haven’t left my dorky, awkward teenage years behind me and still feel like a little kid playing grown up.  I have 10 years of experience, am fully qualified, and know what the shit I’m talking about, but sometimes my brain forgets that.  I also walk softly and carry a big stick.  The rare occasions when I’ve had to raise my voice or email tone, people KNOW heads will roll.

8.  I’m really good at interpretive mathematics.  I like to put together big picture plans (big milestone schedules, training plans, balancing budgets, balancing different characters powers in games, planning out my vacations for the year, etc), but I find the minutiae tedious and boring.  Just as I have at work, I wish for an assistant in life that could take my grand plans that I lay out and help make them happen.

9. One Liners…
fave colors: red, blue, black, purple, silver
fave foods: sandwiches, soups, salads, tacos
fave bands of all time: red hot chili peppers, NIN, Tori Amos
current music guilty pleasures: Gaga and Ke$ha
fave alcoholic drinks: flavored vodka and soda with a twist, chenin blanc/vouvray or unoaked chardonnay, or when I’m really splurging, a fruity margarita (whiskey and diet coke was my standby before I quit artificial sweeteners, haven’t found a good substitute)
fave pastimes: watching old tv series on netflix, reading, making beaded necklaces, cooking, playing card/board/video games, and enjoying my patio
fave place to shop for clothes: savers (love the thrift stores), ross, academy
iphone/blackberry/android: android all the way. fuck apple!
fave vacation destination: anywhere warm with great nightlife
fave video games of all time: EverQuest, Super Mario Bros (1-3), Dance Dance Revolution, Rock Band
current video game: trying to stay current in my own game… the more I work and we put out, the harder it is to stay current on my own character…

10.  This will be the question you ask me!

…so please hit me up in the comments.  For one little known tidbit about you that I could not discern from your blog (or if you don’t blog, you have it easy, just one tidbit), you can ask a question and I will provide an answer of some sort!

Thanks for the indulgence – it felt nice not to blog about races or food or weight or whatnot for a moment.  Have a lovely Memorial Day weekend if you celebrate, and an equally lovely, though somewhat SHORTER weekend if you don’t.

So I’ve been trying to process and psychoanalyze what went down in my head this weekend, because, honestly, turns out I actually placed just outside of the top 20% of women.  If there were age group awards, I would have been damned close to in them (5th or 6th or something).  I am allowing myself to be upset about how badly I’ve let my arm strength go with the monkey bars, but only in the capacity that I’m doing something to fix it.  But I effed that up last year too.  I don’t know what possessed me to think I’d do better, but consider that disillusionment that swimming 2x week is enough to keep up arm strength shattered, and that’s a good thing.

The underlying problem?  Hi, my name is Quix, and I am an adrenaline junkie.

Sadly, my addiction started at a young age.  Gymnastics.  Flying through the air. Ice skating.  Twirling and jumping on a razor thin blade on a slippery surface.  Then diving – gymnastics for bodies falling apart.  Then the stage.  Not as physical, but definitely a FREAKING RUSH.

Then, the odd things that are a rush for me, that don’t really make sense.  Pushing myself physically, but not in athletics – the 3 day sleepless college study sessions because I was such a procrastinator (or was a procrastinator because I liked the rush).  Partying with my friends until 3, napping, waking up at 6, heading to the bar with the graveyard crew, and then doing the school and work thing all over again.  Working 100 hour weeks to do something unachievable at work.  Getting promoted so fast my business cards couldn’t keep up.

Then, in 2007, when I decided I had enough of that shit, the adrenaline came from weight loss.  Uprooting myself and moving to a different job, state, and life.  Then more and more and more weight loss.  Once that slowed, I had already tasted the adrenaline of running, and wanted more.  While the actual ACT of running/biking/swimming doesn’t really compare to the first time I landed a double full, stuck a beam routine at state, my first singing solo on stage, the feeling of a PR or conquering some great barrier is just as sweet.

It’s all about those little numbers, ain’t it?  The score at the end of the routine, the numbers on the treadmill, the subscribers in game, the place in the rankings, the reading on the scale.  They can either make you fly, or make you all emo bird.  See below.

My worry is that I’m having trouble getting my next fix.  Tearing away at these 20 lbs is more like clawing my way up a mountain in a blizzard, and while I acknowledge that a few lbs per month is still progress, it’s certainly not something I go around mentally pumping my fist about (and, it’s weight gained back from when I lost it before, hard to get all freakin’ stoked about that).  PRs are getting harder to come by as I improve.  It’s probably why I keep jumping from distance to distance.  The first time you race a distance/sport – it’s always a PR.  Maybe that’s why I’ve jumped from 5k to 10k to halfs to tris – the longer you race a distance, the less likely you are to PR each time.

Maybe I should just take up skydiving instead.

EDIT: THIS.  This.  So this. I need to go from a dabbler to a master.