Adjusted Reality

Today, I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me.  I am both ravenously hungry (like, hungrier than normal even for my increased appetite) and feeling kinda weak with a little scratchy throat.  I’m truly hoping it’s just a little bit of allergies but honestly?  It could be a cold.  Yeah, the week of my race.  I had nightmares of it being 20 and sleeting.  I had nightmares of injuring myself this week.  Illness?  Nary a thought.  I am invincible – right Happy Runner?

The plan for today is to a) eat as much healthy and nutritious food I can handle (I’m already into a carton of blackberries, an oikos yogurt, half a packet of kashi hot cereal, a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread, a bag full of raw veggies, and a handful of pistachios – and it’s just after lunch) b) skip my cross training workout – it was going to be mellow anyway and I don’t think it will hurt and c) pump myself full of water and tea and some emergen-c and d) rest rest rest – leave work at 5 as scheduled and veg on the couch and sleep way way way early.  Wish me luck that I’ll be back to my snappy self tomorrow.  Until then, a “Back to Reality” day.

This post originated in April 2009, and really helped wake me up to WHY I was working out and how to encourage it (races, goals, and deadlines, oh my!).

Although I will shout loudly at the mountaintops about how I was able to lose 80+ lbs using SparkPeople, a lot of the articles are sorta drivel.  The other features are great, don’t get me wrong.  Tracking what went into my mouth for the last year and a half has helped me become aware of what a normal human should eat and what foods work for me.  Logging exercise made me accountable when I didn’t want to pursue fitness for any other reason than losing the proverbial junk in my trunk.  Seems silly now that anyone would have to push me to workout, but times have changed.  Getting involved with the community provided me inspiration and an outlet when I used to blog over there.  However, the articles – meh.

That being said, since I’m on the site all the time tracking my foods and logging my awesome fitness minutes, I do catch some and once in a while they’ll really hit home.  A few weeks ago, I read this one.  If you don’t want to jump over there and read it all, I’ll give you the reader’s digest version…actually the article IS a summary so this is a summary of a summary.  How meta!

There are 5 different types of workout personalities: squares, rectangles, triangles, circles, and squigglies.

Squares are very rigid and like to have a plan and stick to it.  They are committed, but hit plateaus easily because they don’t change up their workouts.

Rectangles are like squares in they like a routine, but they are more flexible and also tend to be more social.  Since they’re more flexible they will resort to a Plan B (as in, planned to run outside today but it’s raining, so I’ll hit the treaddy at the gym), but if they workout alone, they aren’t likely to stick to it.

Triangles are competitive and very focused on improving and tracking that improvement.  They appreciate all sorts of improvement (even if the scale didn’t move, they’ll appreciate the new personal best on their mile time), but are likely to get frustrated without a higher purpose in mind.

Circles are the emotional, social people who couldn’t imagine working out alone.  Having gym time double as social time gets them there regularly, but they’re likely to spend more time chatting than working out.

Squigglies are the polar opposite of squares.  They abhor routine and value, above all things, fun.  They rarely see plateaus because they’re always changing it up, but are likely to get bored and drop out of a regular exercise program.

It really hit me here that I was fully and completely a triangle.  It’s not just my body shape (inverted triangle, at least), it’s my workout type!  This inspired me to ditch April’s planned experiment, which while it sounded FUN, it also sounded like a chore since it was super varied.  I really like a routine.  I like to make a list and check it off.  I definitely have elements of square (in that I like routine) and rectangle (that I’m ok being flexible, if it’s raining the treaddy is fine, or if I’m exhausted and planned a hard workout I’ll switch it to another day and do something lighter), but I am true and true a triangle.  Even before I was working towards a race, I was working on improving my times, my distances, using heavier weights, doing more reps, and the like.

So this gave me the oomph to actually put this half marathon plan into place, I think I wrote out the spreadsheet the very same day.  It still scares me but more than anything I’m excited.  I’m also signed up for a 5k in 2 days and a 10k next weekend because I realized – I love races.  I got myself a stopwatch to time myself because it was one more stat I could track.  Now that the article validated for me what I already knew (I thrive on competition), I’m rocking out with my new wicking socks out and embracing it.

What type of workout personality are you?  How do you embrace it and make it work for you?  How do you get over your weaknesses?

I’ve always thought this little guy was kinda cute:

For those of you who haven’t seen this adorably annoying little guy before, he’s the latest weight watchers (anti?) mascot.  This is the little guy that follows you around, terrorizing you at every corner.  Apparently, WW is supposed to help you avoid the hungries, which I cannot attest to, as I never have followed the plan, but maybe I should start.

Holy fuck, I am a human garbage disposal lately.  The first month of half marathon training, I didn’t notice much of a difference.  It’s not like I was training all that much harder than normal.  Two short fast runs, and the difference was one longer run – but really?  No biggie.  The second month, I was a little hungrier, but mostly I just craved PROTEIN.  In my belly. Now now now.  I would actually snub my nose at carbs for more protein and fats.  This is NOT NORMAL for me – I like my meat as a condiment.  I was starting my day with a 30g protein bar, having a sandwich with 1/4 lb of meat on it, a handful of pistachios for a snack, and then having at least another 1/4 to 1/2 lb of meat with dinner.  I also developed the habit of sitting at my desk and mowing down veggies with reckless abandon.

This last month it has been out of control.  I am easily outeating Zliten most meals lately and getting to rival our friend P.  The one who we use his name as a verb meaning to assault the refrigerator.  I have to be extremely careful to keep myself on almost exclusively healthy food.  Month two, it was what I was craving.  It was the holidays so I had some, sure, but I wasn’t standing in front of the fridge shoveling shit into my mouth.  Now, if you put something in front of my face, chances are I will a) be hungry and b) eat it.  This has been dangerous – as we have houseguests/temp roomates who don’t cook quite as healthy as I do (which is fine, as 99.9% of the world doesn’t either) and have danger danger foods around like cupcakes and cinnamon toast crunch and potato chips.

That being said, I haven’t been under my “oh shit” weight of 155 for at least 2 months.  I’m closer to 156-158.  Or maybe worse.  I’m actually a little afraid to get on the scale this week.  I have lumps and bumps in places I probably shouldn’t.  But you know what?  I’m feeling strong when I run.  I don’t need to inhale sugar twice during a 12 mile run to make it.  I recover a lot quicker after longer, faster mileage.  My body doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart this week like I did last time – I feel strong.  I’m sure I can attribute some of this to the different training, but I am pretty sure it’s also the way I’ve been eating.  I kinda don’t want to get on the scale right now not just because I want to be in denial (ok, maybe just a little), but because I don’t want to be compelled to restrict calories.

For example – today’s eats.

Breakfast – 270 calorie protein bar

Lunch – 1.5 cups of leftover homemade chili, a gigantic salad with full fat jalapeno ranch dressing

Snacks – handful of pistachios, about 2 cups of raw veggies, a peach

Workout

More snacks – pretzels, melba toast and spreadable cheese, more veggies, rice cake (go to cupboard, shove food in face)

Dinner – 1/3 lb of pork roast, 1.5 cup of cauli-taters (half cauliflower, half mashed potatoes), 2 cups of asparagus, and 1 cup of broccoli

Dessert – 3 hershey kisses

It’s kind of disgusting.  I’m actually trying to be good or I’d continue to eat because I am not very full.  But I know I have a nice big amount of food for tomorrow at work (protien bar, greek yogurt, blackberries, a plum, a gigantic turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread, more veggies, and a backup soup in case I chew through all that and want more).  I’m sure my boss who I share my office with thinks I am a) a rabbit b) a piggie c) slightly insane, but whatevs.

So, for now, I’ll continue to consume 2 lb bags of baby carrots at my desk in 3 servings, outeating all the boys, and running strong.  I’ll give myself this week, and next week for recovery.  Then, it’s on like donkey kong to try to get down to my maintenance weight.  But no hurry, I have the rest of my life, right?

So I started this blog about a year and a half ago (no I’m not mentioning this because I’m celebrating some sort of weird 1.5 blogoversary).  It was not really borne out of a place of love, but a place of frustration and desperation.  I felt so creatively stifled and so…small, I needed a soapbox to stand upon and shout to the world.  I felt like I needed somewhere to feel important.  I also needed to figure out just what the heck I was going to do with myself when I was done with project: deporkify.

Things have changed a lot in the last 1.5 years – I’ve moved from weight loss into maintenance mode (at least for 2010).  I’ve gone from exercise to fuel weight loss to exercise as training for upcoming races and sporting events.  I’ve gone from food being measured purely by calories to being more importantly being measured by nutrients and satiety because I have an appetite like a monster now.   I’ve also went from feeling like I was standing atop a mountain alone shouting at the internet to having a pretty awesome conversation with some new friends, which is much nicer.

The one thing that hadn’t really changed was work – I was doing the same level and same type of work, and I had been for a while.  I have about a 2- year span where I am good with taking on and improving one skillset, and then I get bored.  What’s next – that’s what I always say.  I had some cool opportunities to work with actors and video game voice over stuff (hey, I’m even in there myself), but there was also a lot of crap, frustration, and really bad juju in there too.

However, that is beginning to evolve as well.  The unnamed thing I was working on for the last 4 months has now been submitted for approval – all I can do is wait.  When the press release goes out, you better believe I’ll be letting you know.  Now, I move on to bigger and better things.  Essentially, I am in sort of a trial period right now, but as long as I don’t go and be a moron, I’m finally looking at movin’ on up.  And unlike at other times in the last 1.5 years when I’ve hemmed and hawed about it, I WANT THIS.

Why the long diatribe about change?  Well, something’s gotta give.  I’m going to be busy unlike before.  I’m not going to have as much free time, and while I love this blog, I just don’t foresee being able to continue to do unqiue and well thought out 1000-2000 word posts 5 times a week (which is absolutely what I’m doing right now, mmmmhmmm) and keep up on everyone else’s blogs. Yesterday, I just didn’t have a moment all day to put e-pen to e-paper and say a damn thing, and I’m carving out a few minutes to ramble here while I really should do something else.  And this probably won’t be the last time.

But I’m not disappearing.  So here’s what to most likely expect going forward:

-I’ll always do my Week In Review type posts Monday.  These are valuable for me, even if they might be kinda boring to y’all.  Sorry.

-I’m going to try to continue to do at least 2 topical, well thought out posts per week.

-One day per week, I’m going to do a Back to Reality post which is a favorite from my archives.  I’ve been at this for a while, and have a lot of newer folks reading.  I’d love to think that every one of you have read me from August 2008, but I know I haven’t done that.  Except I HAVE read every single post on The Great Fitness Experiment and recommend you do as well.  Riveting! 🙂

-The last day?  Well, I’d like to make it audience participation day.  Have a question you’d like me to give my unfair and biased opinion on?  Put it in the comments here(or every Friday) and I will totally answer it.  If no one wants to play along – I’ll ask YOU questions.  If I’m just not into either, it will be a 5 random things day.

This, as always, is subject to change at ANY time.  At my whim.  Because this is MY soapbox to use and abuse, y’know?

So, I guess my question of the day is – what would you like to see more of here?  More running talk?  More dietary stuff?  Peeks into the game industry?  Crazy rants?  Does it bother you that I often use random pictures for no reason but that they are hilarious?  Also, have a specific question for me?  Ask anything.  Stupid questions will likely get stupid answers, but hey – I like being stupid sometimes.  Have a great weekend, internets!

I’ve been holding onto this post for quite a while.  First of all, read this.  Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Jack Sh*t’s post here was great in it’s own right, but his one sentence stuck with me-

“Dropping the weight won’t necessarily make your life picture-perfect, but I’m willing to wager you a Ben Franklin that it’ll make your life better.”

This is very true on the surface.  I mean, I don’t have to wonder if the seat belt will fit riding in someone’s car or on a plane.  I don’t have to do the space check in booths to make sure I’ll fit.  Walking around is not painful (ok, sometimes RIGHT after really long or hard runs but that’s different).  I can do the walk and talk  hallway conversation thing at work and not get winded.  These are things that I sort of take for granted and used to be valid concerns of mine.  Like not having a face full of dirt for this guy.

However, losing weight will not make your life perfect.  Far from it.  I should have learned this the first time I placed all my anticipation eggs in one proverbial outcome basket, but it’s taken me many times to learn my lesson.

I’m sure I’ve been doing it all my life – but the first one I can really remember really well is beginning my relationship with Zliten.  I’ll save you the details (aka – I mean I’m saving HIM the airing of all our personal things), but this is how it happens… I figure out something I WANT.  Not just eh, I’d like to have this but WANT.  With ALL CAPS.  72pt font in blinking letters (and yes, I’ll spare you that too).  And when it occurred to me that he was the object of my want, the poor boy didn’t have a chance.   It’s that kind of patient, driven, focused WANT that even if it takes years and exploring the situation from a thousand angles and slow progress, I’m ok.  I’m not sure whether it was fate or the process of attrition that landed us together, but it certainly worked out well.

This is a stellar example of outcome one in these situations  – I get what I want.  The other option, which is not as awesome, is I get burnt out, bored, or distracted by another shiny.  Like when I decided that my mission in life was to get an expansion pack for the little-game-that-could I was working on.  I tried everything from working 100 hour weeks to threatening to camp out in the parking lot until they greenlit it to coming up with very creative and resource-lite plans… but unfortunately, it simply ended with failure, and I closed the door, took my ball (if by ball you mean the scraps that were left of my sanity), and went home.

I’ve since made peace that it was not my failure.  I’ve gone over the years many many times in my mind.  I gave 110% and they gave -20%, and that’s the only way the math didn’t add up.  I don’t fault the company, as it was their decision to make.  I definitely don’t fault the process as it was a great experience.  But it took me a while to be able to detach myself from it enough to see that, and not “just one example in Quix’s history of pursuits that didn’t quite make it”.  And then, the drinking heavily commences.  Awww, pumpkin, you need to know when to say when.

Then, my attention turned to my mid-section.  By the time I had one foot out the door, I had made up my mind that THIS was what was going to bring me happiness.  I was sick of people appreciating me for my creativity, my work ethic, and my brain – I wanted them to appreciate me for my body.  Not in the sexual way, of course, (besides Zliten) but just that horrible, stereotypical difference in between the way someone acts when some schlub enters the room, and an attractive, slim person walks in the room.

I was convinced that losing weight would give me that confidence to walk in and dominate a room.  That it would give me the ability to continue to soar up through the corporate ladder.  I would be able to walk into the boardroom, stand up, talk, be heard, and do it while wearing a fucking hot looking skirt suit, pointy heels, my nerd glasses on and my hair pulled high back into a tight bun with bright red lipstick.  No one would dispute me!  Everyone would bow before my hotness and confidence and I would RULE THE WORLD.

Yeah, honestly, I had visions of that.  Fast forward 3 years, and I have the hot little number pictured – I’ve actually worn it to work just randomly and had many compliments.  The thing that I’ve learned is getting the ONE THING you most want is simply not enough to make your life WONDERFUL FOREVER.  The way to establish confidence is to practice at it.  Going from fluffy to fit can honestly work against you.  Yeah, up here boys, those aren’t my eyes.  No, I’m not the cute little woman you think I am.  And so help me dear and fluffy lord, if you ask me to get you coffee, I will stick that heel so far up your…

Ok, getting carried away here.  But the moral of this story is… getting what you want is great.  My life would be very different without either Zliten or getting the job opportunities I did, and certainly if I was still carrying around another person on my frame.  Each decision, each fork in the road, each desire you fulfill or don’t fulfill absolutely makes a difference in what’s in store for you.  But each one of them is not the end all be all to reach happiness.  Your happiness is the accumulation of all these points (with the most recent ones weighted more heavily) applied to some sort of personal perception/mood/attitude filter.  I bet there is a way to apply a formula and calculate that.  That would be awesome.  And I am a nerd.

That being said – any ONE thing is probably not going to give you everlasting happiness.  When ALL I WANTED was a work promotion, and then I got it, I was amazingly happy for a while, then it settled to quality of life being better, but I was USED TO IT.  And then I wanted MORE.  I certainly remember being happy about no longer being a peon at work, and that’s great, but I’m not ecstatic about it because it is reality for me.  I was enthused about losing the weight while I was doing it, but now, I am THANKFUL I’m no longer 265 lbs, but I’m not overjoyed on a daily basis because – well, it’s life.  I can no longer really feel what it felt like to be so heavy as I can no longer really feel how it felt to feel so powerless at work.  At least I never knew how running from the police pantsless feels.  That I remember, at least.

I do believe I’m a *little* less “wide-eyed-innocent” for wear , but to know me on a typical day is to know someone who laughs at herself when she is a grump and dances and makes funny faces at people on a regular basis and typically a happy person.  I’ve alluded to some cool stuff going on at work, and even though it’s about time #10 that someone’s said something to this effect in my career, I have not lost the optimistic view.  I just add cautious to it.  And I realize that attaining it – just like getting to my original goal weight – will not make me happy and fulfilled forever.

So those of you just starting out – please don’t let it bring you down.  I am constantly reminded on a daily basis how lucky I am to have lost an entire person.  I wake up in the morning *fairly* easily around 8:30, feeling rested and well.  I no longer need caffeine or excessive amounts of sugar to get through my day.  I come into work ready to rock.  Running around the office all day is no issue, I’m not worse for wear at the end of a workday.  Working out is just a part of life.  Most days, I snub my nose and think – “junk food” at things I would previously have considered healthy.  It comes pretty natural to maintain my weight and be a fit and active person, something I *never* thought would happen 3 years ago.

It just has not been the ONE magical thing that made my life complete.  That, dear internets, is MONEY.  Lots of it.  Everything will be PERFECT when I no longer have to worry about money.  My life will rock!

…told ya, I never learn.