Adjusted Reality

I think Valentine’s Day is sort of a ridiculous holiday.  First of all, there’s all the candy.  Please, if you love me, the LAST thing I want is a bunch of crappy sweets sitting in my house, especially ones that you spent WAY too much on.   Then, the flowers and teddy bears…the second to last thing I need around the house is something you picked up on a display of “Get Your Valentines Day Gift Here” stuff.  Flowers are wonderful, but I don’t want you to get me flowers because you are SUPPOSED to get me flowers.  I prefer the random “I saw these and they were so pretty I had to get them” or “You were having such a bad day I thought you needed these”.

Then there’s just the whole expectation around the whole day.  If it’s not the most magical and lovely and wonderlandy day ever your partner is a failure and it’s ruined forever.  And when it’s the only day ever to show that you love someone *rolls eyes*, you better make sure you lavish it on them, right?  Why try to make sure that you be loving and wonderful to that special someone every day when you can just do it once?

Ok, ok, the venom is coming out.  And it’s not as if I’m single – or have been for a long, long time.  I remember how awful THAT was.. but I digress.

While neither the Zliten monster or I are very keen on making a big deal of the day (we forbid presents each year and stay away from those expensive 5 course dinners out at the fancy places), but we do at least something small to celebrate.  This time, we are partaking of chocolate teddy bear peeps (seriously – 40 calories a bear and they taste RIDICULOUSLY good), cinnamon imperial red hots (my favorite V-day candy, have to get a bag of them each year), and cooking for each other.

Yesterday, Zliten made me an awesome crab boil (one of my favorite meals)!  We had a heaping portion of crab legs, red potatoes, and corn, with drawn garlic butter.  We had a great night splitting a bottle of wine and breaking open the legs of crustations.  Tonight, it’s my turn to cook (well, sorta), and I’m making four cheese ravioli, prociouto and parmesan tortellini with a cilantro pesto and basil cream sauce topped with fresh asiago cheese, garlic bread, and caesar salad.  Instead of doing it all super homemade like I was planning – I went with super yummy gourmet pre-packaged stuff from the nice grocery store (Central Market).  We’re going to try to do the soda trick with a box of cake mix and see how that turns out (use a box of cake mix, and instead of the other ingredients like butter, eggs, and whatnot, dump a can of diet sprite in it and it’s supposed to taste just the same).  And, I think there will be vodka.

As long as no pink teddy bears or sappy cards get near me, I think I may just enjoy the hell outta this long weekend.   Unfortunately, I may have given my cold to Zliten…I give the BEST Valentine’s Day gifts ever.  What can I say – he gave me crabs, I had to give him SOMETHING appropriate back.  Anyway, hope you’re having a great one!

So my biggest fear in the last 2 years is that I was going have the anti-epiphany one day that I was sick of this exercise-y healthy new lifestyle stuff and just decide to say fuck it and go back to the way I was.  It’s always a fear that comes back when I get sick/injured/unable to workout for a while.  Let’s indulge my inner demons and take a look at what would happen, if history is a guide, at the events that would play out.

Day 0: I have dialogues with myself or someone else and come to the realization that what I’m doing isn’t making me happy and isn’t worth it, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.  Usually, under some sort of mental duress, instability, or altered state of mind.

Day 1: I’d probably go make myself sick on whatever I was craving last.  If it were today, I would go eat as many pieces of Conan’s Deep Dish Savage as I felt like.  Probably with some good beer.  And probably some sort of hand scooped milkshake.

Day 2: I’d wake up feeling AWFUL.  It would keep me in check for a while.

Week 1: I’d probably still workout – 17 months of habit doesn’t disappear overnight.  I’d probably stick to mostly DDR and some runs and walks outside.  I’d still probably try to not eat *too* badly, but definitely give up counting calories and weighing myself every day.

Month 1: I’d start boasting that I don’t have to do all this crap I used to do, I can stay slim without any effort, just doing whatever I feel like.  Since I’ve decided to give up the scale, my clothes are probably still fitting me ok so I’m happy.  I probably work out 3 times a week when I remember.  I’m thinking I can do whatever I want, so I push my boundaries and maybe drink some real, sugared juice or just go ahead and order the fettuccine alfredo because I want it, but only occasionally.

Month 2-3: My pants probably start getting a little tight, which depresses me but I avoid thinking about it by switching to another pair.  See, these fit me when I was skinny too, I must just be having a bad day, right?  The little pooch I’ve developed just means I stay away from the tighter shirts, I have plenty that are still flattering.  The scale is out of the bathroom – out of sight, out of mind.  I might still be working out sporadically, but it’s getting harder to get the same results I was before.  This also probably frustrates and depresses me, so to avoid it, I slowly stop doing it.

Month 6: I’m probably clinging to the last 2-3 pairs of “skinny” pants I have that fit or thanking the dear fluffy lord it’s summer and I can get away with skirts.  I don’t feel right, I know something’s wrong and I need to get back to eating better and exercising, but I’ll do it next week, when things are gonna be better.  It’s just so much easier to not worry about how many calories are in things, ya know.  And exercising just takes so much EFFORT.  I just don’t know how I used to do that so much.  I remember it being such good stress relief but…I dunno, I just can’t get back into it.  I’m gonna start Monday, really I am.

Month 12: I’ve visibly gained weight.  Those skinny jeans are in a box and I’ve had to borrow the old ones I got rid of back from my mom (or if my pride won out, I’ll have bought new ones as to not admit that I’ve gained).  I think about when I used to have such passion for being healthy, had such momentum, and wish I could get it back again.  Unfortunately, I’m pondering this over french fries sitting on my butt.  Running was so great, but now I can barely fathom doing it.

Year 2: I’ll make a New Years Resolution to get back into running and lose that weight, and it worked for a while.  I lost about half of it, but then I got lazy and gained that plus some back by the end of the year.  I got into the gym and did some workouts, but could never get back to the same intensity I used to.

Year 5: I’ve been through Year 2’s cycle at least 3 more times, before giving up completly, blaming my 30s, work, life, or anything else around me that wasn’t giving me my thinness back.  I’m too old to be that thin, I think.  That’s for younguns in their 20s.  At least I’m not in plus sizes (yet).

I think I’m going to stop there because that’s depressing enough.  While I would LIKE to think I’ve learned enough in these 2 years to not go back to that, I do have 14 years of previous habits to break.  Everything in that description has gone through my head or has been something I experienced since I quit gymnastics and went from super fly fit to super squishy.  I just hope that I can not regress to that ever again…

No, I know that I can do it.  I didn’t spend 25 months at this to regress that far.  I just can’t go back to that, it’s not a fun place to be.  Not that I was considering, but I always have to play the “what if” game with myself.  It usually keeps me on the straight and narrow.  Just like I wouldn’t ruin all the hard work I’ve put into building my career by upping and walking out and burning bridges, I wouldn’t ruin all the hard work I’ve put into my body by just giving up on it.  The difference is – once you break a tie, it’s usually forever.  If you decide you regret what you’re doing to your body, you can, at that very moment, start changing for the better.

Anyone have a story on giving up on anything to share?  Was it a bad thing or a good thing?  Ever walk out of a job without notice to prove a point?  I’d love to hear about it.

I’m still not feeling super 100% back to normal, so a random thoughts update it is today!

1.  We booked, put a down payment, and reserved our wedding and reception!  Zliten did the footwork for us, which was so super nice.  I know it wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do and he rocks for it.  Doing Vegas was such a great idea, you come up with an idea, and they run with it.  For very little effort and extra money, everything is going to be island themed and decorated just like we want.  I’m really excited to go in April to check it out.   Now, the rest of the fun stuff like invitations, dresses, hawaiian shirts, reception gifts, etc.  Anyone ever go to a wedding with a really cool gift?

2.  The good news – I have still lost weight this week even with my lack of exercise and overindulgence last week.  I’m now down to, as of this morning, 153.4 which is .4 lbs away from February’s goal.  I don’t expect to keep ALL of it off, but I wouldn’t complain if I did.  This is also 3.4 lbs away from 150, which is my second long term goal.  From the time I hit 149, I will continually monitor how I feel and look, and will give myself permission at any time to stop and decide to maintain my weight.  It’s so close!

3.  The bad news – I haven’t been on a run since Saturday, and don’t anticipate being able to do much until next week with my funk.  Next weekend, I run my 5k.  Now, I’m not too worried since I regularly run almost twice the distance, so I know I have it in me, but it’s still a little disconcerting.  I am glad that I signed up before I got sick, because I dunno if I would have signed up now.  At least since it’s my first one, the biggest goal is just to finish a race and get a time to improve upon.

4.  Work has been a very busy week of thousands of menial tasks to do.  I am such a sick puppy that I LOVE this.  If it was my job all the time I would hate it but as something to do occasionally, I really enjoy the brainless, zen aspect of it.  Since it’s not technically part of what I do, I actually seek these opportunities out.  It does make me miss designing, though I’m glad that my particular job affords me the ability to do as much of it as I actually get to do while still being able to be a producer.

5.  I just had Zliten tell me I should retire the pants I’m wearing today.  I indeed noticed they have saggy ass today.  As refrence – I’m wearing the same outfit I wore on Christmas Eve.  It’s amazing how much difference 10 lbs makes when it’s 1/15th of your weight instead of 1/26th!  Pants don’t last as long though… at least this is my second pair of  pinstripe pants so I’m ok with seeing them go.

I never get ill in a normal way.  Most people get colds.  I called in to work today with temperature regulation issues.  Essentially, last night, it was in the high 60s/low 70s and I was wearing a fuzzy hat, sweater, pants, socks, and hidden under a blanket.  When I went outside, I grabbed my gloves and my warmest coat.  Then, while I slept, I sweat (sweated? swot? …I must be sick, my grasp of the english language has left me…) through two pairs of PJs as well as drenched my sheets, blankets, and pillow that I’d brought from the Weighted Journal.  I mean, I feel a little weak and woozy as well, but essentially I called in with a case of the sweats.

I did make it a whole year without being sick, so I’m not too disappointed, but when I fall under the weather, I always try to figure out what my body is telling me.  Am I working too hard?  Nah, I’m only doing 40 hours a week, nothing crazy.  Am I too stressed?  Well, I’d say normally stress is at a 2 (out of 10) and lately it’s been at a 3 or maybe 4.  So no, I don’t think that’s it.  Is my body not liking the way I’m eating and/or exercising?  Well, I do know that consuming less calories does make you succeptible to whatever is going around, but exercise is supposed to boost your immune system.  Perhaps it was just my time.

I am not liking this forced vacation from the gym though.  Today will be day 2 of sitting on my ass, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be back to 100% normal tomorrow either.  I always get antsy when something keeps me from working out normally.  However, I do like that I have been dropping weight this week.  I’m down to 154.8!  Less than 5 lbs to go to 150, and less than 2 to go for my goals this month.

I’ve had a weird history of being sick.  When I was little, I was a very sickly kid.  I would be out of school all the time for colds and ear aches and the like, and unlike most kids, I would beg my mom to make sure and pick up my homework so I could work on it, and she was the one who would force me to stay home  just another day to make sure I felt all the way better.  Then, as I got to be a teenager, I would get lots of bouts of the 24 hour flu.  I’d feel super sick, throw up a few times, go to bed, and wake up feeling fine.

Then, as I got older, I got sick a lot less, or at least acknowleging illness.  Once you get to college and have to get a doctors note to skip some classes without grading implications, you learn to tough it out.  Then, once you start working without sick days – bringing the illness into the office is the lesser of two evils to not getting paid.

My body then realized it had to get creative to get me to stay home and recoup.  Three years ago, I came down with a really awful case of Vertigo.  I had been working like 100 hour weeks and ignoring everything else and I woke up that fateful Tuesday morning super dizzy.  I thought I had a brain tumor.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds without feeling icky, and when I went to emergency care, while I was waiting in the lobby to get my prescription, I had to sit up too long and I ran out to the parking lot to yack.  I spent the next 4 days eating saltines, drinking ginger ale, and listening to gameshows because it was the most entertaining thing on TV that didn’t take the ability to actually WATCH.

When I moved here to Austin, my first week on the job, I got a really bad flu.  I couldn’t eat anything solid for 4 days. I lived on Gatorade and pretty much worked, counting the hours until I got off, and then slept.  I felt bad that I was such a horrible employee, but apparently I was such a vast improvement over the previous AP they were still impressed.  Yay!  I have to say that while it was a super miserable week, getting sick and losing that 10 lbs was the best thing that happened to me, because once I regained some of it, I decided that losing weight was a good thing, and I wanted to do it (but the healthy way).

Anyways, off to watch Zliten play Fable and try to feel better.

This morning, around 4:45 am, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep for a while, and finally a topic to write on came to me – I spent all yesterday pondering what to write about this week and had some wicked writers block.  All I could come up with are some random recipe and 5 random thing goodness, but I wanted to really tackle something today, something with some thought behind it – because, honestly, I like sharing random stuff going on in my life and some of my best and worst meals, but I don’t want this to be a “I did this, I ate that” journal. So when I woke up this morning, sore, chilled in sweat, and starving, I knew that I had a topic!  My pain is your Monday reading enjoyment.

So, a tale from the weekend – nah, let’s start from Wednesday – I hadn’t eaten much that day and it was my day off workouting, and we decided to try this new Tex-Mex restaurant in our ‘hood (the food was decent, but there was actually an animal of some sort in the ceiling making noise).  Then decided we were all about trying new things, and went to a new bar for ONE drink.  That one drink ended up multiplying by quite a lot, and as is uncharacteristic for me on a weekday, I’m slinking into bed at around 4am.  Needless to say, the normal self control did not win out and I figured I’d just be better over the weekend.  One extra day of 2000 calories is no big deal.

Then Friday, we decided we were going to have a quiet night at home, but the weather was so beautiful, we sat on the patio enjoying a few.  Then, a few more.  Then, all of a sudden, we were off on a walking adventure to get queso and even more booze.  This was ANOTHER unfortunate 2000+ calorie day.  Then the next day was the fried catfish buffet with my parents (which was the only PLANNED day of doom).  We walked 6 miles yesterday and planned to stop at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants on the way home – I devoured half my chips and salsa and the entire taco salad with a quickness.  I didn’t even feel overfull like I should have on the way home.  So, needless to say, I’ve eaten at least 1000 calories MORE this week than my plan.

And I’ve still lost weight.  I’m at a new low of 156.0.

So, perhaps I need to contemplate what this means, on hunger in general, and if there is actually a way, as the diet ads say, to lose weight without ever being hungry.  Because sure, I don’t feel like I’m not getting by on what I’m taking in, but there are many, many times a week where I feel hungry and deny myself the right to eat, or at least try to wait until the “proper” time.

My normal daily hunger fluctuations on the weekdays are:

8 am – Get up, immediately peckish.

8:30am – Get to work, try to make sure to get at least a glass of water down before I eat my oatmeal.  Try to wait until 10am or so, which works sometimes and doesn’t work sometimes.

11 am – Usually by now, I’m starting to anticipate lunch.

12:30pm – It’s lunch and I’m ready to eat inanimate objects.  This is generally my biggest meal of the day.

3pm – Usually about now, the hunger monster comes back for a few, and I usually quell him fine with a glass of water, tea, or in extreme circumstances a diet soda.

5pm – Fruit snack time (fruit as a snack, not fruit snacks).  There is much rejoicing!

6pm – By now, I’m getting my workout on.  This is usually the only period of the day where my appetite decreases without eating.

8pm – Home, showered, and eating dinner.  Om…nom…nom.  Usually fairly light unless I’ve planned and eaten a lighter lunch.  Most of my random recipes are weekday dinners.

10pm – Usually around now, I’m craving a little something.  More for taste than for hunger as long as I ate enough dinner.  I’ll usually grab a second helping of veggies or salad, or if it’s sweets, then a mini candy cane or a hershey kiss, or sometimes tough it out to see if it passes.

Most days, I am pretty satiated by the time I go to bed, but there are certainly points during the day I wish I was not so dedicated to this quest of mine.  To be honest, it was not really any different when I ate more calories – I still got super hungry in the mornings before lunch, and in the afternoons.

I know the answer to this.  It’s not even a mystery.  Listen to what every diet site tells you nowadays – eat every 3 hours.  Eat lots of small meals of mostly veggies, lean protien, and complex carbs.  I’m sure I’d be touting the praises of this from the highest mountain saying “I LOST THE WEIGHT AND WAS NEVER HUNGRY!!!”.

So the problem?  I can’t freaking do it.  I can’t bring myself to commit to something that makes it impossible to be social with other people at mealtimes without making me a sad panda.  Want to go out to eat with my parents, who pretty much only eat at buffets?  Yeah, that’s a fun time grabbing a salad with low fat dressing and maybe a non-cream soup.  They’d also complain I’m wasting their money, heh.  Work doesn’t exactly give 3 short lunch breaks.  For me, all I’d get is weird looks eating so often, but lots of jobs, you can’t just go make food or eat whenever you want.  I would, however, have to pack a crap ton of food to take to work, and for some reason, eating at work just makes me angry.

And…life is not worth living without the ability to “save” calories every now and again to have some pizza.  Or a burger and fries.  Or a mexican combo plate.  At the very least, life is too short to not be able to enjoy a real meal, not just snacks all day.   I don’t know if this is the fat girl still somewhere inside, but there is nothing more satisfying food-wise than digging into a big plate of nummy-ness.  At lunch, that was chicken, some rice noodles, and a mess of veggies, so I’m not saying I have to eat junk or fattening food – I just don’t feel fulfilled on a constant diet of snacks.  So, instead, I suffer a bit for my conquest, and what I believe is the lesser of two evils.  And I have to deal with the fractured reality of wanting to eat some extra fruit or a salad or veggies or beef jerky or something that is OBVIOUSLY good for me, and not doing it because I have already planned out my calories that day…

I still always wonder if I should eat more, but it’s always such a difficult process finding the sweet spot (especially when your weight keeps changing).  I’m pretty sure I’ll keep losing on my 11500 calories per week (that’s 1300 for 5 days, 1500 for 2 days, and 2000 for one day), but I would hate to be making such an effort and actually be starving myself, and sooner or later I will end up stuck and have to redo the proccess of maintaining for a few months to fix my metabolism.  I also remember not losing weight when I was at 1500 calories per day (and slightly more like 1800-2000 on the weekends), though I might have already had a burnt out metabolism at that point.

Any advice for me?  I’m 5’5″, 156 lbs, burn somewhere close to 3k calories per week doing cardio (my DDR time is hard to judge, because it says I’m burning 1200 calories per 60 minutes, which would like to but I do not believe at all), and also burn an indeterminate amount of calories doing 2 hours of what is essentially circuit training.  My program on spark says to lose 1.5 lbs per week, I should eat between 1270 and 1630 per day (which works out if you average what I eat per week, not per day).  If you keep track, how many calories do you shove down your gullet per day?  Are you losing or maintaining?  If you’re maintaining, do you ever deny yourself food when you’re hungry?  If you’re losing, have you found the sweet spot, or do you have to endure a little pain for the prize?  Hit me up.  I would love love love to know!

This post is sponsored by a grumpy Quix that is brought to you by allergies, muscle soreness, and lack of energy.  Evidentally I can run 5.5 miles but not walk 6.  Makes perfect sense, right?  Comic relief from icanhascheezburger.com and ihasahotdog.com.