Adjusted Reality

You get a two-fer, since I meant to post the novel on worthiness yesterday.  Also, this is to make up for a possible lack of updates over the next 2 weeks due to holiday cheer, and other such related things.

Healthy Stuff:

So, I’m about 2.75 weeks in (meaning, one more workout this week, I guess), and figured I’d give a short update on how things are going.  To recap, these are my workouts:

Day 1: 30 mins intervals, 15 minutes Cybil the arc trainer, full body strength

Day 2: long run, yoga

Day 3: 30 mins intervals, 15 minutes Cybil, full body strength

Day 4: 60 mins DDR, yoga

I did make some changes to the original plan.  Always extra gym time, not extra DDR time (except the one workout I owed 10 mins, so I did 70 mins DDR…that was pain).  DDR day is always the last one instead of in the middle.  And somehow, 10 mins became 15 minutes (or a combo of 45 total).  Exercise time creeping up = bad, but it comes out to an even 600 calorie burn that way!

The good:

Pretty much everything.  I love this 4 day schedule.  I love that Wednesday, Friday, AND Sunday I don’t have to visit a treadmill, a weight bench, or a workout room.  The amount of actual time it adds each day is nothing compared to an extra day completely off.  I also now actually own enough sports bras to accomodate a week of working out, so I don’t have to do wash (by wash, I mean febreeze if I’m lucky) in the middle of the week.

I actually don’t think I can go back to 5 day weeks now unless there is a good reason to do so.  This also has great implications for the future – I really want to take dance classes (partner w/Zliten), but I just can’t give up a workout – I’m not confident that beginner ballroom is going to be anywhere equal to one of my normal exhausting sweat fests.  This way, I can do it and not have something to do every single day!  In spring, I want to do volleyball with the league at work, and this affords me the same luxury.  Plus – I’m more likely to be able to work around social engagements during busy weeks rather than having to cram a bunch of working out on the weekends (ok, or skipping days and being rather grumpy about it).

The bad:

These fuckers are daunting.  I know I said that the time each day isn’t much longer – but it sure feels like it when you start running on the treadmill, and know you have 30 minutes to go, plus 15 minutes on the evil arc trainer directly after, then an hour of weights.  Without fail, I come out feeling great, which means I’m not working myself too hard, but I dread these workouts a bit.  I also really hate leaving the gym after a 5.5 mile endeavour and having to go home and do yoga.  I’m home, I should be done, dangit.  And the week I had to do 70 minutes of DDR – my legs almost fell off.

Also, I have to be VERY careful about how many days in a row I’m working out.  Even though it’s the same amount of *things*, it feels much much harder, so about 2 days in a row is the max I can do.  I had put off a Saturday workout for Sunday, then did my normal Monday, and by Tuesday, I saw physical pain in my future if I tried to run any more, so I had to move the workout to Wednesday.  No biggie, but if scheduling got tight where I had to do 4 workouts on consecutive days or skip, I’d probably have to skip at least 1.  I also haven’t been able to increase my weights/reps much because simply doing more things in less days is harder to begin with.

The Best:

After 3 months of tearing my hair out, I’ve lost and maintained about 3 lbs so far.  While I would *lovelovelove* nothing else for Christmas but 159.8, I’m thrilled I’m on the down swing again.  In December even!

That being said, I have 2 more weeks of this (I’m not starting January’s plan until the 5th).  No complaints here!

Gamer Night:

So the night last week we were supposed to play, our friends came over and drank our booze and ate our fish tacos and black beans and it was a lovely night.  Sunday, we were supposed to play and I shopped all freaking day.  Monday and Tuesday, we had too much other crapola to do.  Wednesday was the day we finally put it all together.  We played Burnout Paradise.

We sat there giggling for hours taking turns.  Destruction is funny!  First, we crashed into things and tried to see who could make the most painful looking wreck.  Then we drove around looking for private areas to break into and burnout billboards to crash through.  Then, we tried to do some time trials and play online and didn’t have much luck, but it was supah fun.

Next week…I have plans, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise, so I will fill you in after a certain present-unwrapping holiday that starts with a C and ends with a mess, I mean mas. 🙂

And doggone it, people like me.  Right Stewart Smalley? 🙂

I’m a big fan of worthiness and being open to all the good and wonderfulness that the universe sees fit to toss your way, but I don’t follow my own advice as well as I should.  I’m better now, I think, but I can still catch myself sometimes thinking that I don’t deserve something.  What the hell?  We deserve anything and everything wonderful that comes into our life.  Things happen for a reason, right?  Unfortunately, it took a while to get here.

When I was in elementary school, I was an incredibly weird kid.  I mean, I’m weird now, but socially acceptable weird.  I had literally NO experience around kids my age until I got into kindergarten.  I somehow fell in with a group of friends that had known each other way longer than me, one of them I called my best friend.  Sure I had other friends, but she was one of the “cool” kids.  She tolerated me, I think, maybe even liked me, but the rest of the group for some reason didn’t like me at all.  For all of elementary school, we’d hang out sometimes, when the rest of her friends weren’t around.  We’d trade babysitter club books and play barbies and climb the roof and generally have fun, but I always felt sad when she and her other friends would play and I couldn’t come along, but I just didn’t think I deserved any better.  She was at least better than the kids who said they’d be my friend but only if I gave them my carebear.

Then, we went to middle school.  One of the first days, I went over to hang out at her house, and we got in a argument and I pushed her – didn’t mean to do anything but give her a tiny shove, but she toppled off her bed and landed on the floor.  She told me to get out and we never really talked again.  I don’t even remember how I met most of my middle school crew, but I remember I met Kelly on the bus when I was lonely and we sat together and then by 7th grade I had this great and expansive group of friends, most of whom I still keep in at least pseudo-touch with via facebook or myspace.  I probably would have never befriended these awesome people if circumstances hadn’t rid me of the people who I hung out with and made me feel unworthy.  I definitely learned my lesson there – if people treat you crappy, don’t give them the gift of your friendship.

Then, I moved to Reno and got seriously into gymnastics.  What a shock, going from the YMCA happy-fun-everyone-is-awesome classes to training with elite level or elite wannabe girls who have made this their lives.  I come in the first day in shorts and a t-shirt, and get yelled at for my lack of adherence to the strict leotard only rule.  I spent a lot of time proving myself because I was the oldest for my level, the biggest, and the least “cool”.  Everyone else had fancy leotards and I had the kind that went up my butt because I bought them at the store and they weren’t handmade.  Everyone else had 6-packs and I had some belly fat from spending the summer eating pizza and chips and drinking sugar-y soda with my friends.  They were a little clique and I was the black sheep, and I wasn’t worthy to be their teammate.  Ever seen Stick It?  Wasn’t too far from the truth.  I wasn’t quite Haley but I certainly saw a little bit of myself in her.

What did I do?  Well, I worked my butt off.  I ate better, I worked out more, and though I couldn’t change the fact that I was 5’3″ to their 4’8″ and had a Mary Lou build to their Shannon Miller builds, I lost all the body fat and got super buff.   I trained twice as hard as the rest of the team and learned how to lose my fear instead of letting it hold me back.  I challenged myself to be better every day.  I came in 2 hours early and did optional workouts on Saturdays when only the little kids came in and spent Sundays doing push ups and crunches.  I never became one of them (I’ll have to grab the picture of my team and scan it – I am heads, shoulders, boobs, and at least 2 years above the rest), but I did earn their respect and admiration.  For a while it was, “Heh, Leah is trying what on beam?  Hope she doesn’t kill herself…” and then “Oh crap, Leah’s doing the same tricks I am…” and then was “Leah’s challenging me to do the thing I’m afraid of, and she’ll do it too even if she’s totally not ready for it”.  For better or for worse, I put so much into it, I burnt myself out and just quit during the off season one year because I was 16 and wanted a life.  I definitely learned a lot about not letting fear hold you back, the joy of doing something everyone else thinks is impossible, and that sometimes, seeing it through to the end is not always the best option.  My body was already giving out on me at 16, imagine if I would have pushed it through college…

Then I learned about worthiness in love.  After a lot of lack luster love interests that were either flaky, unrequited, or just plain wrong, I met this guy, went head over heels loopy, and we were together on and off for 3 years through high school and the beginning of college.  I wont deny that there were a lot of good times, but he also cheated on me when I was faithful as can be, took drugs behind my back after blatantly lying to my face about it, and we argued ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  I was not the best person I could have been – I was always nosey, clingy, and trying to stay one step ahead of him to make sure he wasn’t lying to me.  I was playing what I thought was the game of love.  We’d break up, but since we had a lot of the same friends we’d still hang out, we’d start doing whatever it was we did, and then we’d figure, “fuck it, might as well be together again”.  Rinse and repeat.  I saw happy couples, I’d have fits of jealous rage, but think that it was something that other people have, and I didn’t deserve anything like that.

Then, after a particularly nasty argument and some contemplation, I decided that it was over, for reals, and the only way to really do it right was just stay away from him.  I didn’t return his calls and hung out with my own friends and met other people and lo and behold, he wasn’t the only guy ever who would be interested in me.  Within that few months, I actually ended up (re) meeting Zliten and over 9 years later…here we are.  I learned that I was worthy of love, true love, like the movies, like in my wildest dreams.  Someone who adores you and wants to be with you every moment and does cute things like buys you flowers for no reason and wears a shirt that sorta matches yours on purpose and that you trust completely.  You together are so much more than the sum of your parts, you are like two balloons floating up away together.  You just have to find that person, don’t let go, and slowly let your past baggage float into the ether.

The next thing I tackled was work.  I was not only competent enough to climb positions quickly, I was deserving of them.  I may not have had the experience, but I had the work ethic to not give up until I was easily doing a job I was previously unqualified to do.  For a long time, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of approaching the people who could help me or identify my talents (I have to thank many years of selfish and crappy management for that, but it was also my insecurities).  Once I figured out how to break through that, it was like a huge weight lifted off me and I was free to soar.

Then, the journey I’ve let you in on here on this blog, losing the weight.  I had a lot of issues feeling like I deserved to be thin – simply because I had let myself go and wasn’t currently thin.  Seems silly now – I mean, one of the basic principles of what I do is if I screw up, I forget it and move forward – one day is literally not enough to cause a blip on the radar.  I just didn’t know how to do that.  I’d try to eat healthy and exercise for a little while, miss a day at the gym or eat half a pizza, and then just give up because obviously I wasn’t strong enough or dedicated enough or perfect enough to lose the weight.

Then, I finally subscribed to the “everything in moderation” theory and my life got better.  Mess up and eat something I shouldn’t have?  Just get back on it the next day.  Miss a workout?  Make it up or write it off – but resolve to not do that again.  Make a bad choice?  Strive to make the next one better.  The only rule was no guilt.  Hell, this morning I ate candy for breakfast instead of oatmeal (stupid coworker bringing in stupid HOMEMADE candy that’s stupid delicious – I passed up the Kripsy Kremes no problem but HOMEMADE candy?  Oy vay.).  Two years ago, I might have freaked that I am a failure, but now, I just realize I’m eating a healthy lunch, an apple for a snack later, and skipping my oatmeal this morning and it will all work out.

One thing that took me a long time to realize that there was no reason to limit myself to wanting to look good “for my age and lifestyle” (aka sedentary gamer geek office worker).  Once I hit 240, I felt and looked so much better I almost just coasted instead of getting back on the wagon.  I figured I wasn’t *as* fat, so that was good enough – and it took me a few months to decide that that was hogwash.  I was worthy of so much more.  As if the moment I turned 25, I was no longer able to be (or want to be) muscular, athletic, strong, thin, or sexy – that’s some happy horseshit right there.  I thought before if I hadn’t gotten it together by now (then) I didn’t deserve to have it.  Imagine writing yourself off like that!  I’m so glad I changed what was in my head.  It took baby steps, but I absolutely believe that I deserve to feel and look as good as I want (depending on the effort put in, of course).

I still have friends that tell me they think I’m crazy for wanting to lose more weight using the “for a woman of your age” mumbo jumbo.  Well, there was an olympic gymnast this year in her 30’s and a swimmer in her 40’s, they looked amazing, and there is no reason I can’t look amazing too.  Not just good enough, not just better, but amazing.  While I’m not going to be trying for 8% body fat, there is no reason I couldn’t weigh within a few lbs as I did when I was 14 – I was a healthy weight, I wore a size 7, I ate plenty of healthy (and not-so-healthy) food to maintain that weight.  I think I can do it again.  It’s only about 30 lbs away.  I’ve still got plenty of inches to pinch.

Overall, the best thing I’ve realized is that when it clicks, when I realize I AM worthy, it is so freeing and opens up so many doors in my life, I don’t have those conscious negative thoughts anymore.  Of course I’m worthy of anything and everything wonderful in my life and anything that comes my way in the future.  Where I run into trouble is that nasty ol’ subconscious.  I always wonder if I don’t want to do something, or I really just don’t feel deserving of it.  Am I lazy, or just fearful?  These are things that plague me and keep me indescisive, I think sometimes it’s not that I don’t know what I want, but I’m fearful or feel like I don’t deserve what I want.

With New Years Resolution time coming up, definitely some food for thought.

This is a picture in the tupperware because I think I was about to explode after eating it and salady goodness and could barely waddle myself around the house until bed on Sunday.  We made this for 4 people, so I doubled the recipe I usually use – below is the normal one.  You’ll feed 2 people as the main part of a meal, or probably 4-6 as a pre-meal cup-o-soup.  I use the “throw stuff in and see how it tastes” cooking method, so I rarely use measuring cups/spoons, so everything is an estimate.  If you don’t like something, leave it out, if you’re a veggie, leave out the chicken and use veggie broth, the soup will not be offended if you change it around!

Chicken “Tortilla” Soup (or I guess Spicy Southwest Chicken Veggie Soup might be more accurate, but I called it what I called it):

-One box of chicken broth

-Two small cans of tomato sauce

-A crap ton of garlic (lets say, 5 cloves)

-Half an onion, chopped

-One chicken breast, diced

-One can of ranch style black beans (regular works but doesn’t quite taste the same)

-One small can of corn

-One small diced potato

-A handful of frozen veggies (carrots, green beans, corn)

-3 stalks of celery

-Some cumin, chili powder, garlic powder, and pepper to taste (1 tsp-1 tbsp if I had to guess)

-Jalapenos and/or other peppers to taste (in our big batch, we used 2 japaneos and 3 finger peppers, I usually use 1/2-1 jalapeno in a normal batch, and we like things ridiculously spicy)

-1 tsp corn starch (Zliten measured this)

-cilantro to garnish (we forgot this, which made me sad, but it was totally yummy without it)

Directions:

Put everything but the corn starch and seasonings in pot.  Let it boil (slowly) for a while (at least til the celery is soft).  Smell and taste it without seasonings – add a pinch of everything, and taste again.  Repeat until you just can’t wait to eat it.  Disolve the corn starch in water, turn the heat down, then throw it in and let the soup thicken up.  Once it’s the right consistency – serve it up.  You can just throw in cilantro or if you’re feeling truly tortilla-y you can thow in tortilla strips and sour cream and cheese.  IMO, you don’t need it though.

Bonus: Lo cal chicken ceasar salad (this isn’t exactly how I made it last night, but it’s the most yum for the least hip-spreading):

-1 chicken breast, grilled and seasoned with garlic and “italian seasoning” (oregano, basil, and whatever else is in there if you don’t have that)

-A bowl full of romaine lettuce

-Either Newman’s Own or Ken’s Lite Caesar Dressing (not creamy)

-Half a small can of black olives

-2 pieces of crumbled pre-cooked bacon

-Shakey parmeasan cheese

Mix lettuce and dressing first (go easy on the dressing and add more until you have a light glisten on it all).  Throw bacon, chicken and olives on top.  Shake cheese on.  Enjoy!

Calorie-wise, if you’re curious, the entire vat of soup I estimate had just over 1000 calories, which was split between 4 pretty ravenous eaters with leftovers.  The salad was probably about 165 per person for a side dish, double that for a meal.  Feeding my two friends who can put away 1000+++ calories in a meal without batting an eyelash (you know who you are, 3 double quarter pounders with cheese and a large HiC), and clocking in at about 415 calories and they were stuffed – priceless.

EDIT: I wrote this a week ago but didn’t have the snow pictures as proof.  Now, I do!  And today it’s just as cold (but without the precipitation) so it’s a good day to post it!

Last night as we were about to head to bed, Zliten turned on the news and heard that it was snowing in areas of Austin.  We are NEVER hit by the weather (it will be raining everywhere else and it will open up a hole over our neighborhood), so he didn’t check, but I had to grab some water so I looked out the door on the way back, and lo and behold, it was SNOWING.  I haven’t seen snow (and I’m actually happy about this) in 5 years when I was back in Reno visiting the family and we had a freak cold front in April, apparently to punish me for leaving.  Since it’s been a while, it was pretty to watch and catch on my tongue (they don’t taste like they used to when I was little, I swear).  Thank the commuter gods I woke up this morning and it was all gone (besides a coat of ice on the rooftops) and traffic was kind.  I can only imagine what sort of hell it would be if it was ACTUALLY SNOWING while driving, if traffic in the rain is an indicator.

The funny thing is it was unseasonably warm in the afternoon.  It was 81 degrees at lunch, and I was actually wishing I had a t-shirt on.  When I got back from lunch it was 10 degrees colder, and then by the time I left work at 6pm it was 50 degrees!  They say if you don’t like the weather in Texas, wait a few hours, and yesterday is proof that’s not just bullshit.

It was kinda fun, I guess, and I won’t complain too much about the frigid temps today (low 30s to low 50s), but only because we’re supposed to be back in the 70s by this weekend.  EDIT:  Indeed it was in the 70s on Sunday – I spent the day outside in a t-shirt, jeans, sandals, and a light sweater when it got cold.  Monday morning at 3am it was 70 degrees still.  Monday morning at 7am it was below freezing and has stayed below 40 since.  Should be up in the upper 70s by this weekend again.  Texas weather is crazy, but I prefer the cold-and-warm-mix to just cold.  If I knew the weather wasn’t gonna change much until February or March, I’d be pretty depressed.

So I had typed up this big long post of wah wah wah wah… I ate sorta crappy this weekend and I’m afraid of the scale.  Money crap that is probably trivial to 99.9% of the country and world right now.  Jealousy and anger towards the evil overlords who make more in one day than I do all year probably, and still have denied us a Christmas break, bonus, and party.  Lack of any sort of creativity in my job right now.  Being a little mad at myself for being hypocritical – I’m mad that I can’t make progress anywhere in my life, but when I start losing a little weight again, I overstuff my belly all weekend.  I want to be ok with just maintaining what I’m doing and accepting life will be how it is for a while, but I still want more.

However, I’m doing well in the overall scheme of things, and instead of posting the 1000+ words of whining I had typed up,  I’m going to take a cue from 100 days in bed and list 7 things about my life that make me happy.

1. I have the most wonderful partner in crime and love of my life for 9 years who has stuck by me in rich times and poor times, fat time and thin times, workaholic times and slacker times, and has definitely experienced the best and worst of me without barely a complaint.  I feel loved.

2.  Even through these tough economic times (drink now if you’re playing the drinking game), we can still make the mortage, the car payment, and all the bills without draining savings.  We’ve made voluntary cutbacks to our lifestyle and consider the cost of something a bit more before buying it, but haven’t felt strapped for cash or poor even with less income.  I feel financially independent.

3.  I’ve lost over 100 freaking pounds since last January. I am no longer obese, out of shape, frail, weak, out of breath.  I no longer snore or have sleep apnea.  My back problems magically disappeared.  I sleep better, longer, and earlier.  I feel healthy.

4.  Going further with that, I’m in the best shape of my adult life.  I would not be embarassed with how my body looks if someone caught me in my undergarments (the boy short kind at least).  I constantly check myself out in the mirror thinking “hello, gorgeous” with disbelief sometimes that it’s me, and that’s all of me that’s left.  I feel sexy.

5.  Having this new body, I can do so many things I never imagined possible.  I can run 5 miles.  I can lift 20 lb weights.  I can almostalmostalmost do a pullup unassisted.  I can rock climb.  I can ice skate.  I can do just about anything, and keep up with just about anyone.  I feel strong.

6.  I have a great group of friends here who I can be myself and silly and weird and let my guard down and they still think I’m fun to hang around.  Or at least they tolerate me, which is just as good!  I feel social.

7.  I’m 29, and there are many years ahead of me.  I’m already in a job title where the average age is well over 30, so it’s not as if I’m running out of time to climb the corporate ladder if that’s what I want to do.  And maybe it’s not.  I’ve got plenty of time to figure it out even if right now, holding on to what I have and staying stable is what I need to do.  I feel competent.

So much better that what I was going to post.  Off to drive in the fuh fuh fuh-rezing cold to go get my sweat on and hopefully not get caught in an ice storm on the way home.