Adjusted Reality

Speaking of change… (was going to do this as one blog entry with the last one, but I had much more to say on it than I thought and I realized it was a horrid segway, you’re welcome for that), election day and Charlotte’s blog on overexercising made me really think about how I’ve changed over the last two years.  Or at least fooled myself into how I’ve changed.

A little (not so) secret about me – I don’t just want to do things, I want to do them up CRAZY.  I find something I like, it turns into something I love, then something I obsess over and spend all my time doing and thinking about.  After spinning my little wheels way too fast on it for way too long, my motor burns out in the form of a nervous breakdown, and I have to leave it behind.  In my life, this has been epitomized in gymnastics, crushes and boyfriends (hell, people in general), hobbies, and especially jobs I love.  Before he sees this and comments – not Zliten.  He was worth obsessing over. ::grin::

My last job really gave me all the rope I wanted to hang myself with.  It had the perfect recipe for Quix-y disaster.  It was a title that was a bit of an underdog (and I love rooting for the unlikely winner if they’ve got that spark in their eyes).  I was given complete creative freedom, only limited by the tools and abilities I had at my disposal.  I could work as much or as little as I wanted, no one was keeping track, so it was my own decision.  I also got off on the fact I was the youngest and only female to take the reins of the game in my company.  Thousands of dedicated and also megamanical fans also inspired me to always do more and better.  I think most of the time, I felt more like I reported and was accountable to our players than anyone at the company.

What this meant was that I ate, slept, breathed, and spoke job every moment of the day.  Luckily my fiance (then boyfriend, I guess, if you can call “living together for 6 years” still a boyfriend) was also just getting started in game design, which is his dream job and was super into it too.  We would pretty much work til our eyes bled and then talk about work and bounce design ideas off each other and when we were frustrated with our games at work, we’d start coming up with design documents for new games to pitch.  After a while though, he got over the honeymoon period and it was a job for him, while I just ratcheted up the crazy even more.  He’d sit there and game while I worked from home (he finished an entire anime series in a few weeks, just watching while I was working at home…yeah).  He’d hug me when I bawled about being mandated to increase our subscription prices.  I’m surprised I didn’t come up with something like this picture.  I’m sure I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture.  Work equaled life, and I was convinced that anyone who wasn’t like me just didn’t have a cool enough job.

Two main events made me snap out of it.  First of all, a day in December 2006, we came home from work, I was having a bad day so there was some vodka action going on.  We popped in the movie Click (with Adam Sandler) and watched and, well, it really clicked.  I was spending most of my life on fast forward, waiting for the good times.  I was always waiting for the decision to come down at work about this or that.  I was just waiting for the time when I’d get the official title and pay I though I deserved.  I could no longer spend my time just waiting for the elusive something that made my life complete, I had to make it happen.  Then, shortly after, there was the fated San Fransisco trip.  I had to buy size 24 jeans (I had been in denial for years by only wearing skirts, thxu San Diego weather), and after huffing and puffing my way through short distances of the city (I think I probably run longer on the treadmill in an hour than I covered my whole trip), I decided that enough was enough, I was going to do something about the flubber.

Of course, it wasn’t easy.  First, I made a vow to myself that I would work 8 hour days, 5 days per week, except under DIRE circumstances.  I left work at 6:45 on the button (yeah, my start time was 9:45, odd, wasn’t it), and just picked up where I left off the next day.  There was nothing so urgent that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow.  It was was weird at first, but then it was freeing.  My game didn’t suffer, I didn’t look any different in management’s eyes, my employees didn’t suffer, nothing changed except content was just a touch slower, and I chose carefully what we took on instead of trying to tackle *EVERYTHING*.  The only change was I didn’t sacrifice myself.  Crazy!  Second, I vowed to eat better, drink less booze, and exercise at least 3 days per week to lose weight.  I did Dance Dance Revolution for at least 20 mins and even tried out Yourself!Fitness, and though it took a while for me to really and truly get going (eating better meant cans and microwave meals – things of which I could count calories and judge portions easily), I at least got started establishing good habits.

After the move to Austin, I think there was about 3 months I could say I was really and truly balanced.  Then, one day I went from “meh, I want to lose more weight but whatever” to “I am going to lose weight starting TODAY” and here we are.  I’m glad I did – I was still definitely obese back then and needed that kick in the pants to get to now, but it’s almost the opposite now.  I love our product, but it doesn’t keep me up at night.  However, I do salivate and dream of the day I break a 8 minute mile.  Or run my first 5k race not on a treadmill.  Or can do a unassisted pullup.  Or hit a weight I am totally and completely in love with my body (as opposed to right now when I just sometimes want to make out with the mirror when I walk by).

I will admit, if I had the rescources to do so, I could totally be that megamanical Quix now.  I’d jump at the chance to train for some sort of sport full time.  I’d love to have a better reason to train so, so hard besides weight loss or beating my goal.  If I could hit the gym during the mid morning/early afternoon instead of the choice between yawnsville (before work) or blehsville (after work), I could totally put in such a longer and better workout.  I could run and lift and swim and dance and and and and…everything.  I just get so frustrated sitting sometimes, I just want to…DO!

Sometimes life has a way of setting you on the right path, even when it drags you kicking and screaming.  So I’ll keep to my 60-90 mins 5 days a week and figure out something else to difuse the crazy upon.

(fyi, today is a two-fer, because I meant to post the last post yesterday…see ya tomorrow!)

I finally feel like I can post a small ounce of politics here now that the election is over.  Just to be contrary?  Well, I do love that, but for quite another reason, really.  I prefer that people make up their own minds, and I don’t really feel it is my right to sway anyone, being not terribly political or involved myself.  If you’re so inclined, read up on all the candidates’ views and vote for who you agree with the most.  At least read up on what the different parties stand for and vote accordingly.  If nothing else, watch the box set of the West Wing.  Aaron Sorkin’s writing is captivating and intelligent, and you’ll learn more than you ever wanted to know about how things work in the white house, even though I’m sure it is glammed up a notch or twenty.

Also placing me in the “I fail to be able to evangelize anything policital” category is how I became a democrat.  I was replacing my driver’s license for the 15th time (stupid things always ran away from me) and since I was just over 18, they asked me if I wanted to register to vote.  One of my best friends in high school was sitting there with me while I filled it out.  I was pretty much clueless on what each party stood for (being that my father is a democrat and my mom is a republican, we didn’t talk politics much around the house).  She asked me if I thought people should be able to do drugs.  I said, sure, why not, it’s their choice, and thus she said I was a democrat and I signed up as such.  I mean, I picked correctly, I definitely embrace democratic ideals after learning more, but I certainly didn’t go there at first for the right reason.  I also didn’t vote in 2000 because I was “too busy”, and look who we elected.  I voted in 2004, but it wasn’t really for anyone, it was against Bush.

This year, I finally started taking an interest.  After reading all the information out there, I fully support giving someone a little different a chance to change the country for the better.  While I think the last 8 years could have gone worse if I really stretch my imagination, it most definitely could have been better.  I’m pretty sure that if we did not at least pick the right person, a vast majority of the people in the country called out yesterday for something different, and those in charge will need to listen.

I am also hoping that we, as a country, can get beyond trying to pass laws limiting rights, freedoms, and choice.  California, while passing it with a much more narrow margin, still chose to ban gay marriage this election.  I’m straight as an arrow (although I do tend to like guys with long hair…I’m not sure what that says about me), but it’s my opinion that marriage is two people saying to each other, “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”.  It doesn’t matter if they have their naughty bits on the inside or the outside.  My two friends back in college got married for tax reasons, he was gay, she was just straight and single.  Over half of marriages end in divorce.  Sanctity, my ass.  I’m hopeful that next time it goes to vote, it won’t go down the same way, but it still saddens me that we could even fathom passing laws that make not a lick of difference to anyone but the people from which we take things away.  Nothing is safer or better.  Why do we want to take things away from people, and how does it better our own lives?  At least the other horrible proposals taking away abortion rights got shot down…

I’m hopeful for a new start.  It will be an interesting 4 years, and I look forward to seeing what unfolds.

This is going to be a crazy experiment, but only crazy if you actually know me, so let me explain.  I work well with a map and a plan.  I need goals, deadlines, and projections.  I just can’t get fired up with ambiguity in the air.  I need to know what to do, when to do it, and will optimize my plan for maximum success with minimal effort.  I get my rocks off on efficiency.  This is serious business for me.

I have been told I have a good intuition.  However, the fact that I didn’t really know if I did or not before that probably says something about how often I use it, though.  I form an opinion, I check my data, and generally, yeah, I’m right, but I fear moving forward until I am sure.  I make sure my footing is stable before I leap.  I am totally not this guy, though I share a lot of his ideals.  I just like my spontaneity a little more – planned, I guess?

Why am I driving this point home over and over?  Well, I’m doing something very out of character for me this month – intuitive eating and exercising.  Whereas pretty much everyone in the world besides us calorie counting diet-y freaks live this way, not writing down what I eat scares the crap outta me.  Not knowing exactly what I am going to do at the gym tomorrow is terrifying.  But, someday I am going to have to learn how because I don’t want to track every little thing I eat and do for the rest of my life, and I’m really curious to see what I pick to do if I let myself do whatever workouts I want.

Specifically?  The general plan is to:

• Foodwise – not track my calories for the entire 4 weeks.  Keep the same goal as always, to eat 6 servings of fruits and veggies per day, up the protien and lower the fat a bit, and put the least amount possible of anything chocolate, fried, or generally high in calories in my cakehole.  Just without putting it into the tracker.
• Exercisewise – the general plan is 2 days of DDR + yoga, 2 days of intervals + weights, and 1 long run.  But I have full permission to deviate and do whatever I want (as long as it’s a decent calorie burn).
• Mentalwise – to nurture my body and mind through what’s already shaping up to be a helluva month.  Give myself permission to maintain at the weight I’m at now if that’s what it needs to do, but also to shed unwanted weight if it’s ready to do so.
• Measurewise – I plan to get a tape measure and do a before pic this week and after pic on December 1st.  I want to see if I am making any progress beyond the scale.

Wish me luck on my new approach!  I fully expect to be running and crying back to my tracking and structured workouts come December, but it will be an interesting experiement.

Images from my new favorite webcomic, toothpaste for dinner.  I know they have nothing to do with workouts, but laughing is good for the abs, so that’s my story about why they’re up today and I’m sticking to it.

So, just to recap, this was my planned workout schedule for the month of October:

Day 1, 3, 5: 20 minutes running intervals, full body strength session

Day 2, 4: 40 minutes Dance Dance Revolution, 15-20 yoga session

How did I do?  Actually, pretty well.  The first and third weeks, I actually did the workouts just as planned, which is pretty much a huge accomplishment for me.  The second and fourth weeks I ended up doing 4 day workout weeks (skipping the last interval day), and I skipped one yoga session last week because, frankly, I was having a bad day and was throwing a little temper tantrum in my head the entire time I was doing the DDR, so I did 3 extra songs to make up for the calories I’d burn doing yoga and called it a day.

Overall, it was a great month in workout-land.  Things calmed down to a moderate chaos from the frantic chaos which was September, so I wasn’t getting 5 hours of sleep to fuel my 2 hour workouts planned and then entertaining family and then melting into a puddle on the ground because I was so physically and mentally exhausted.  Most workouts I went into with a good attitude and left with a better one.  I rekindled my love for interval running, which is great – because I’m warmed up, cooled down, and had my hiney worked off in 30 minutes or less.  I got to play with a bunch more weight machines, which was good too.  Wrist curls, you look so innocent and easy, but you are teh devil!  Also, I got to up my DDR/yoga days to 2 again, which was <3.

There were some things I didn’t like though.  I missed my long runs and am actually kind of frightened I’ll have to work my way back up to 4 miles since the furthest I went last month was 2.7 miles (though considering it was in 30 minutes, with 7 minutes walking…I’m going to be soooo fast!  wheeee!!!).  Every day at the gym was HARD.  Sure, I had 2 easy days at home, but the gym sort of got a stigma as the killer workout that I sometimes dreaded.  I don’t want to be dreading the gym. I also skipped my 5th day twice, which tells me that maybe 3 days of balls-to-the-wall interval running was a little too much in one week.

Body-impact-wise (yes, I love dashes), it was bittersweet.  While I thought I might be making progress when I hit 165.0 in the middle of the month, it’s the lowest I’ve gotten and I’ve been bouncing around 165-169 since.  However, all is not lost.  I’m not even measuring myself and I can tell I’ve lost inches.  My stomach, the most problematic and tragic part of my body, is actually starting to cooperate.  On a good day, I can walk around in a sports bra and think “hey, not so bad”.  This bodes well for bikini wearing on the cruise, however, not for high school prom dress.  I think my shoulder muscles got bigger instead of smaller, so I did have to bite the bullet and get a new dress or 2 this weekend (more about that, I’m sure, this week).  I’m starting to get the “what the hell do you need to lose any more weight for” comments from the peanut gallery so I guess I’m not doing too badly.

Specific, but probably boring to everyone but me, progress I’d like to track:

Intervals – went from running 5.0 rest – 7.0-8.0 intervals for 20 mins to running 5.0 rest – 7.2 – 8.1 intervals for 23 minutes (got slightly faster, and added an extra interval – which sounds like no big deal but believe me, it is huge).

Pushups – back to pushups, and I don’t think I will ever stop doing these bad boys again.  I went from 3×20 being so hard I wanted to die to considering upping to 3×22 this week because I got through them ok last week.  Considering this summer I was rocking week 5 of the pushup challenge – this sucks!

Pullups/dips – went from 4×5 on setting 17 to 3×12 on setting 15/4×10 on 17 to 3×15 on 15 (the lower the setting the less assistance), I also did one pullup on setting 5.  My goal is by the end of the year to do one without help…

So what’s on tap for this month?  Stay tuned for the next post for details!

I’m anticipating this to be a helluva day before I leave work, so I wanted to wish all 2 of you who read my blog a spooky holiday from me and Zliten, who for today will be refered to as wraith queen and Todd.

Serious props to you if you get it.  I work at a gaming company and I’ve had ONE person recognize the costume.  I do actually have a real post planned, but it might just have to wait until later…