Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: bad moods

Better Today

Just wanted to give a quick update, as now that I’ve spewed the vile stuff out, I feel purged of it.  I’ve been in a much better mood today.  It might also be that I’m finally wearing the skinny jeans that haven’t fit since vacation and the scale put my back into the 153’s, but whatevs.  I’ll take it any way I can get it.

4-day work (out) weeks.  I had much success doing them.  Those 4 days were hell on wheels and I spent literally 2 hours from changing into and out of my gym clothes, but I did see some decent progress.  Zliten was kind enough to remind me of that.  While I am enjoying the 30 mins here, 20 mins there I’ve been doing (and it certainly added up to just as much if not more than I was doing in my 4 day plan), maybe my body likes the marathon sessions and more rest days.   Something to ponder if I’m still not seeing results, though that goes out the window as soon as half training starts.

Stress.  I like to discount it, because while I love plans and schedules and lists, I also am usually pretty low on the stress-0-meter.  Whatever happens at work, usually stays at work.  My home life is awesome sauce.  But since the three pronged attack on my psyche came into focus, dust has been kicked up around here and I guess I am feeling a little more tense than normal.  I find occasionally I can’t go back to sleep and sit up thinking about shit.  Which is very, very not normal for me, especially since I started running.  Running = sleep like a baby all night.  So once Zliten is back to work and the wedding is done, things will calm down to about normal and I can relax.

Stability.  I was an idiot and starved my way through my half training, at least I think.   Zliten thinks I am also eating now more than I did then (except a heavy meal once or twice a week before long runs) and I am running 6 miles a week to my 25 then.  My body is probably trying to figure out what the heck is going on and is just getting readjusted to having enough food.

I am going to take my skinny jeans wearing, mood-swinging, stressball ass to the bridal shop for my dress fitting now.  Ciao, bellas.  More later.

Set Adrift on the Sea of Anti-Bliss

I’m feeling a bit adrift this week.  The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity.  If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post.  I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year.  Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here.  Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.

Weekly Recap:

So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity.  Without further ado, here we go:

Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)

Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)

Total calorie average per day = 1563

Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.

This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale.  So why am I frightened to get on it?  Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.

Scale Woes:

The scale has become a big issue for me lately.  I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control.  However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that.  If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month.  I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks).  I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week.  Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s.  But that 150 barrier is holding strong.  I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week.  The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2.  I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good.  And I can tell it’s not just scale weight.  Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined.  No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Mental Madness:

I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way.  I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like.  “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?”  And the worst part – “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.”  That’s the one that bothers me the most.  Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to.  I exercise like crazy.  I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan.  I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t.   I think that’s what frustrates me.  I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs.  Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside – that would really, really be nice too.

The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts.  I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something.  And I have no desire to stop.  It’s just the eating part.  And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.

It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore.  I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate.  It was something I could incorporate with my life long term.  Then it just stopped working.  The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – not productive for me OR the wall.

I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me.  Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight.  I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right?  Well, it’s not good enough.  I’m NOT happy at this weight.  I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy.  I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life.  And I’m not there yet.

The Plan:

This is the problem.  I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”.  I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later.  The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t.  And eat more and move less just seems like craziness.  I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else.  Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day.  That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet.  And maybe that fact should scare me too.  The point is-

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM.  ARGHHHH!

I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return.  However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress.   I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.

So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-

1.  Get on the scale every day.  Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.  Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world.  Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.

2.  Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can.  Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg.  Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week).  Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time.  Bleh.

3.  Lower my (unreasonable) expectations.  If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding.  I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.

4.  Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s.  I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately.   I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else.  I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine.  Fried shrimp will still exist later.

5.  Try not to let any of this affect my mood.  I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year).  I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle.  I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes.  I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day.  My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.

Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post.  Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed.  icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute. 🙂

Blips On The Radar

So I have a moment to breathe.  I should probably be working but I think a short update is in order and it’s lunchtime anyhoo.

Being that I have no idea who reads this, I don’t particularly want to air any specific dirty employment-related laundry.  I’m happy to talk about my previous stint of being a total workaholic and how it mentally affected me, because that reflects on me.  My feelings, my emotions, and my process of becoming a person again who is not only identified as my job title and game title all belong to me.  It does not reflect on the management at SOE because I was given a wild amount of freedom to do with what I would.  I could have worked my 40 hours, done my job, and went home, but I didn’t.  I still don’t regret it because it was an amazing experience and a huge experiment in stretching and smashing my comfort zone, but I also don’t regret reclaiming my life.

What I won’t do is run previous coworkers under the bus in my blog.  I would never talk professional smack about someone I crossed paths with at work.  The games industry is too small and incestuous to do that.  I’ve seen too many bridges burnt that caused major trouble in the future.  There is a joke about the “form letter” that gaming people send out over email on their last day/week – it is required that you mention something about “you worked with the most talented and bright individuals” and “you hope to get a chance to work with them again”.  When it came time to write mine about 2 years ago, it was absolutely true.  I still wish I could fold some of the employees that worked for or with me into my team, and I definitely miss and respect some of the managers I worked for there.

This is a story that must leave out some of the juicy bits.  Suffice it to say, I saw an ancillary communication that made me a little angry.  I put it in my pocket though, because it was not directed to me.  Essentially, it was the equivalent of seeing a facebook message from a friend to another saying “OMG you’re my best friend we have the most fun when we hang out, you’re the bestest person I know”.  This leaves you thinking… “what about me, huh”?  But who in their right mind can be truly offended by that, right?  I have pretty thick skin so I just pretty much filed it under the “gee, I wonder what’s up with that” folder in my brain.

Wednesday, I come into work and got indirectly reprimanded for something for which I thought I was doing a fine job.  If I hadn’t seen that little message above, I would have probably grumbled and shaken it off, but it actually sent me into a small tirade at my direct manager ranting.  I don’t do tirades often, I’m pretty relaxed at work.  I calmed down after a few minutes and then said I’ll do what I could to validate what I thought was a ridiculous and insulting request, but only to the point where it didn’t feel ridiculous and demeaning.  Later that day, I found out I was moving teams.

At first I thought it to be a reflection of the management’s perception of the job I was doing, but it ended up being that the request I thought was insulting was simply DUE to the impending change (not the change DUE to the request, like I thought).  It’s not that I needed babysitting (for a task I’ve been doing for years), which is what I thought the directive implied.  So I went home a bit shaken – I was told at 4pm I was moving teams, and that it would start the next morning.  I talked with my new boss all afternoon and got overloaded with facts and felt completely overwhelmed.  Instead of dance lessons and relaxing, there was some whiskey and contemplation with my Zliten.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything but talk it out and think about it and lubricate my synapses with a bit of the sauce.

Why?  Well, I fear change.  Like I said before, I think my grass is pretty green.  Even if it’s kinda yellow, who knows how brown it is over the hill?  I prefer the evil I know.  I like change in small, incremented, planned amounts, and initiated by ME.  I don’t like ripping bandaids off.  I can make some decisions that seem wild and crazy to the outside world, but believe you me… I’ve already, in my head, mentally tested the waters and have acclimated myself with the idea of something before I do it if I have any say in it.  I wish sometimes to be one of those people who can make snap judgements and produce decisions at the drop of a hat, but I am just not that girl.  I want to really mean something when I make a statement of intention, so I don’t make them lightly.

Needless to say, the first few days have been EXTREMELY busy getting up to speed and I actually have more to do over here.  Couple that with some minor emergencies, new directives from the execs, and the fact that my boss is out on vacation this week (great timing, huh?)… makes for a wild first week.  I assume things will return to a normal level of crazy soon, but for now between this and all the rest of the silliness that is my life, blogging might be a little bit more scarce.

I do have to say though – all in all, I’m liking it.  I’m now on the new unannounced title so I get a chance to hone my skills shipping a game (I’ve previously pretty much specialized in live maintenance – aka expanding on a previously shipped game and updating it).  I’m liking the team I work with.  It seems a little more relaxed, while still being focused, which I’m happy with as well.  I was specifically put in this position because of my experience with sound, which makes me happy because I’m working with sound more again and that’s been one of my favorite parts of my job this year.  I think I’ll also be able to claim experience running a small sound department – and in Austin, audio production experience/management is totally fab to have on a resume.  I’m sure I’ll find things about it that DON’T make me happy, but for now I’m calling it a win.  I’ll reserve more judgement until later.

Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was doing ok – I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled ranting about this evil plateau and how I can’t bring myself to run in the morning when it’s over 80 degrees at 8am soon.

Self Indulgent Navel Gazing Numbers Frenzy

Ok, so I’m having a bad day.  Went to bed grumpy, didn’t get enough sleep, woke up grumpy, didn’t have time for a workout to shake the grump, and people are grumpy and yelling at each other here.  Needless to say, this is not a banner day.  Oh, it WILL get better at 5pm when I leave work and get dolled up and go to the monthly Yelp event but I almost don’t even feel like it right now (however, nothing a little primping and whiskey can’t cure).  What’s at the root of my bad day?  What could have turned it all around this morning?  I hate to admit it, but it’s the scale.  We’re usually pretty good friends.  He’ll tell me the truth, I’ll thank him for telling me the truth and measuring my progress.

Today, I cursed at him.  He pretty much said to me, “Yeah, I know you’ve been busting your butt for a week and a half now.  I don’t care.  Here’s a disgusting weigh in number from February for your efforts.”  Yes, I last weighed in on 2/12 at 154.8.  Le sigh…

I think the problem is that I’m making the effort.  I understand when I’m letting lose a little or half-assing it, but I am really trying.  Last night, my fiance and friend decided to have some cocktails.  I refrained because I was being good.  They went out to the diner and got chicken fried steak and hashbrowns at midnight and then after hit the bar.  I kept my calories at 1320 for the day, and sipped crystal light all evening with crushed ice.  I tried to go to bed early but shit just kept going wrong and I couldn’t fall asleep.  Not a good preface to stepping on the scale and seeing a number from the way back days.

MizFit yesterday did a great post on Overtraining (and Undereating).I am so glad I trained for and ran my half marathon.  It put things into perspective.  There is a time and a place for intentional overtraining (2 hour runs?  30 mile running weeks with 60 mins+ cross training, 2 full body weights sessions and 2 yoga sessions? yeah…).  After the initial “omg I’m done what’s next” freakout, I realized that my body was happy to crank it down a notch or 5.  I won’t stop racing, but I will be much more responsible about my workouts between race training.  I’m still “working out” most days but way less intense, and mostly fun stuff.  It really got me thinking about my eating – am I really undereating?  Is that even possible?

The eating thing is what’s tripping me up and I know it’s my achillies heel.  The only way I’ve succeeded thus far is if I count calories and find the number I can ingest and expend and lose weight. I am hesitant to remove any foods/food groups from my diet.  Eliminating anything from my diet makes me crazy.  When I can have a taste of the ice cream or a bite of the brownie, 9 times out of 10 I’m fine.  When I can’t even have a bite, 9 times out of 10 I get grumpy and rebel until I get what I want.  I generally eat healthy (in my opinion) and am trying to take myself down from “whatever I feel like” to about 1200-1400 on weekdays, slightly more on the weekends (like 1700-1800).

So I am asking, nay, pleading, for your advice.  Analyze me.  Don’t worry that you’re not an expert/doctor/trainer, I run everything through my common sense filter and I won’t do something just because you say to.  But I’d like to put it all out there and see what suggestions you have for me.  Stop reading here if you’re not interested in a bunch of numbers and just leave me a nice encouraging comment, please.  Persist at your own peril.

My workouts last week (estimated calorie count in parentheses)..

Monday – full body weights and practicing dancing for 25 minutes (84+ weights)
Tuesday – 20 mins yoga and 40 mins leisurely bike ride (313)
Wednesday – 30 mins intense cardio, arms, swing dance class for 60 mins (653 + weights)
Thursday – 30 mins intense cardio, abs and legs, salsa dance class for 60 mins  (602 + weights)
Friday – 30 mins intense cardio, 20 mins yoga (643)
Saturday – Zumba for 60 mins, water volleyball for 40 mins (641)
Sunday – relax

Total burnt: 2936 calories, or an average of 419 per day

This is my food from last week…

Monday – zone bar, mongolian grill (3 oz chicken, 1/3 cup white rice, tons of veggies and some sauce), grilled fish tacos at home with black beans on the side, a peach, two hershey kisses, and a dum dum lolly. 1321 calories, 173g carbs, 32g fat, 89g protien.

Tuesday – luna bar, homemade tuna sandwich on sprouted grain bread, otter pop, homemade meatloaf with 93% lean ground beef, homemade mashed califlower/potato mix, and veggies, 2 peaches, a lo cal fruit smoothie for desert, and 1oz tortilla chips as a snack. 1377 calories, 189g carbs, 35g fat, 88g protien.

Wednesday – 0% greek yogurt with 1/3 packet of oatmeal mixed in, leftovers from the meatloaf the night before (same portion), homemade 9 layer burritos (with 93% lean ground beef, refried beans, rice, low fat sour cream, and veggies/salsa), 2 peaches, 1 oz beef jerky, 1 hershey kiss, and 1 oz vodka (one weak drink).  1408 calories, 166g carbs, 38g fat, 108g protien

Thursday – luna bar, taco salad (made with basically the same ingredients as the burritos sans the tortilla), veggies and tilapia filets, piece of sprouted grain bread with light margarine, apple, a cup of broccoli, and 3 oz whiskey (I made the conscious decision to forgo the rice I was going to have with dinner and have a few drinks instead).  1236 calories, 100g carbs, 39g fat, 79g protien.

Friday – zone bar, chicken pho (vietnamese chicken noodle soup with bean sprouts and broccoli), bbq’d chicken, rice, coleslaw, 2 peaches, 8 oz vodka (we hosted a party that night).  1793 calories, 169g carbs, 16g fat, 110g protien

Saturday – zone bar and a peach, salad bar (a huge veggie-ful salad with lowfat ranch, a cup of minestrone, half a cup of butterbean, some grilled veggies, and a small 1/2 cup of soft serve), Saltgrass steakhouse (bread, salad with half the ranch they gave me, veggies, 5 grilled shrimp, 5 fried shrimp).  1724 calories, 180 carbs, 79g fat, 79g protien

Sunday – Apple, homemade pancakes with sugar free syrup and margarine, 2 slices bacon, 1 small potato shredded to hashbrowns (with PAM), homemade chicken caesar wrap (lo carb wheat tortilla, chicken, olives, bacon, lettuce, cheese, low fat caesar), peanut butter puffins and chocolate almond milk, plum, shared a 100 calorie popcorn, and a sugar free popsicle. 1217 calories, 189g carbs, 36g fat, 58g protien.

Average 1439 calories, 166g carbs, 39g fat, 87g protien.  I would probably add about 100 calories per day because I am a notorious nibbler and just due to food tracking error.

So sure there are some obvious nitpicky things.  White rice instead of brown (restaurants don’t always serve it and it’s near impossible to get my fiance to eat it and he does a lot of the cooking).  Give up the alcohol (no way, jose).  Give up the sugar (I really don’t eat much of it though.  One small sweet per day and maybe some soft serve once a week).  All in all, I really don’t think I do too badly there.  Day by day I might have some slipups but overall it evens out (16g fat one day, 79g the next).

The math *should* even out.  1539 eaten – 419 burnt = 1120 net calories per day.  A sedentary person of my height and weight should be eating about 2000 calories per day to maintain their weight, so that’s creating a 880 calorie deficit per day.  Truth be told, I should be seeing a 1.75 lb loss at this rate with my math.  It’s not happening.  I don’t like it.

So I did some more surfing and this seems to be one of the better calorie calculators around.  Instead of estimating what level of activity you think you do (I think half marathon training is active, someone else out there probably thinks that their mile per day walk to starbucks and back is active, who’s right?), you can also input your exercise.  I generally have my butt planted on a chair if I’m not doing something I would count as exercise, so this works for me to be sedentary but put in my sweat sessions.  It also counts weights for calories which is something my beloved sparkpeople doesn’t do.   I’m considering utilizing this next month as a guide to how much I should eat – put in yesterday’s activity and that will tell me how much I should eat today.  For example:

Monday – 2584 calories to maintain.  Subtract 750 (deficit to get 1.5 lbs loss per week) = 1834
Tuesday – 2253 -750 = 1503
Wednesday – 3089 – 750 = 2339
Thursday – 3255 – 750 = 2505
Friday – 2343 – 750 =1593
Saturday – 2611 – 750 = 1861
Sunday – 2014 – 750 = 1264

This is saying I don’t eat enough, and I should increase my calorie average to 1842 per day at this activity level.  To lose 1.5 lbs a week.  1000 calories is the most one should go into debt per day (losing 2 lbs per week), even then I should be at 1592.  This seems crazy to me.  Am I really just not eating enough?  Should I take the leap of faith and add a bunch of lean protein and good carbs and fruits and veggies and good fat to those days when I’m hanging tough around 1300?  What specifically is missing in my diet?

I am calculating myself into a tizzy, and would love some input.  My sanity depends on it.  I am willing to do what I need to do to give it a good college try (for the most part – you can pry my whiskey from my cold dead hands, you’re not going to convince me potatoes are evil, and I will not give up my once weekly rice noodle pho).  I’m looking for a suggestion that involves moderation, not absolution and abstinence.  I wish I had a giveaway to reward you for even reading this far, but I will give away my eternal gratitude for any help here!

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