Adjusted Reality

Tag: psychoanalysis Page 9 of 31

Some days you are enough (No Label Sprint Tri)

On April 3, 2018

I randomly had a dream a few nights before the No Label Tri that I got first in my age group. If you’ll remember, my last race I came in LAST place, so this is not typically something that happens for me.

Even though my self-confidence tends to flag occasionally, I do have my moments where I actually believe I can do things. I started to write it off, hahaha, that’s funny, you’re going to get 5th like you always do, if you’re lucky… I thought to myself. And then I told that asshole to eff off and go away.

What do I have to lose being confident? I thought. What could it possibly hurt to dream big and believe I had a fighting chance at placing in or even winning my age group? Why not start the race as an optimist for a change? So, I attempted to hold onto that moment of confidence, that moment of standing on top of the podium, in the back of my mind through the week.

We were lucky enough to have Good Friday off work, so we had our pre-race swim, packed the camper, ate an early lunch of a giant turkey sandwich, and had a fairly uneventful drive to Katy, TX. The RV Park we stayed at was the opposite of anything natural – it was a jungle of concrete with our little mobile boxes tucked in right next to each other – but it also had a pool, a hot tub, and an icemaker, so I was perfectly happy with what it was for it’s purpose – a makeshift hotel room.

We cooked our traditional pre-race chicken, potatoes, and salad, and puttered around a bit before we settled down with books and attempted to sleep. The concrete jungle was loud at night, and sadly, I think I got a little less than 6 hours of sleep. Earl grey tea and a sunbutter + honey english muffin (plus two caffeinated jelly beans) perked me right up, so I’ve had much worse and I really think I’ve nailed my pre-race nutrition for the year as I felt solid all race.

Rocket fuel!

The late night meant a later sleep and we got to transition 15 minutes before closing (don’t do that). Yeah, no time for a warmup run. Oh well. Then, I left transition without my swim stuff because I felt rushed and barely got back in on time. Then the potty line was long. I was incredibly thankful that the planned race start of 6:45am came and went and the race director was just starting the briefing.

We stood in line for what felt like eternity (I think it was about 40 minutes) waiting for the start and then watching the fastest swimmers cruise through the pool. Chatting with the folks around us, the general consensus was that this race was always kind of a shit show. The course is either long or short and something is the matter with it, it never starts on time, and they were impressed because most of the right things had gotten in the packets this year unlike other years. I took a deep breath and thought, Well, good thing I’m just here to kick off my season. A rust buster can totally be a shit show, no problem.

All of a sudden it was my turn and I dove into the pool, like I had told myself absolutely NOT TO DO, but thankfully my goggles held their seal and I was off! My plan was to sprint a little bit to try and catch the person in front of me and then draft off them for the rest of the 300m. The guy in front of me took off like a bullet and I actually had to swim for my life to keep the people behind me from catching me.

Spending a little more time here lately but I’ve probably swam more in one long session last year IM training than I have collectively in 2018.

Around lap 4, I noticed that two other swimmers had passed Zliten, who had started right behind me, and I got two taps on my toes, so I stopped at the wall and let them pass. The couple seconds it took to let them pass was so worth it, as I got to ride their bubbles spending CONSIDERABLY less energy the last two laps. I sort of rolled my way out of the pool awkwardly but quickly, and was off to T1.

Swim time: 5:54/300m – 1:58/100m pace. 3/15 AG.

It’s hard to compare this to anything because it’s a pool swim, and you’re sort of forced into the pace of the people in front or behind you. However, I’m incredibly happy with this considering I can probably count my swims this year on one hand so it can only get better from here.

T1 was about 10 feet from the door, which was nice. I ran out with intent and then with purpose went down the wrong rack. D’oh! Once I got to my spot I did the quick sock shoe sock shoe thing, though since it was a parking lot it was nice to not have to worry about putting my stocking feet down like I hate to do on dirt or mud. I clipped on my helmet and tried my sunglasses and immediately stuck them down my jersey – it was so freaking humid I couldn’t see out of them, but I didn’t want to not have the option for the whole bike. I should have. I didn’t use them all morning.

Zliten was about 30 seconds into his transition when I unracked Death Star and told him I’d see him out there, figuring he’d be whizzing past me in no time.

T1 time: 1:15. 3/15 AG.

I was on a mission on the bike here. I know I’m not the best runner but I am getting to be a pretty darn decent cyclist. From analysis of my age group last year, I found the bike times to be really slow. I figured there were a few options: either something happened last year (wind, rain, etc), the course was super hilly (which it wasn’t), or that I had a chance to blow the competition out of the water and come off the bike in first and then just run for my life, hoping no one would catch me.

So, with that knowledge, my goal for the bike was just to get out there and pedal my ass off. I spent the first mile or two rolling past about twenty people on a super chip sealy and debris laden road, and then finally I relaxed into aero when I found a nice, clear section and got down to it. I was holding around 19 mph, 20 when I really concentrated, and I felt some wind, which I was hoping was headwind. If I can hold this pace in the headwind, I thought, I can REALLY crank it on the way back.

Sadly, I never found the tailwind. Somehow, on an out and back course with a box in the middle, it never felt easier and the wind was causing SOME sort of resistance at all times. I continued to pass people (and proudly, I got passed a total of ZERO times) and just keep inching that speed back to around 19 mph average, the power around 160-170, and staying as aero as possible.

Guys… guys… GUYS! It’s all about the bike. Truth.

On the way back, the chipseal seemed even worse, and the sun was completely in my eyes without sunglasses so I could barely see the road. It was super bad and I even sat up for a while on the worst of it exclaiming out loud, “How is my tire NOT FLAT RIGHT NOW?” after hearing the tenth PING of debris flying out from my spokes. At some point I realized it was not going to get better so I just got back down, and figured it would be what it would be. I’d either flat and get practice changing a tire quickly during a race or I’d make it back to T2 in tact, and riding like a wuss wasn’t going to help either way.

Thankfully, my tires held and I rolled into feeling pretty great and ready to do battle with my nemesis, the run.

Bike time: 44:13. 19mph. 1/15. By like, 3.5 minutes.

In a vacuum, I’d say I was least pleased with my bike, because I feel like if I would have gotten less distracted with the chipseal and a little braver passing people in aero and pushed just a little more, I think I could have probably held closer to 20 mph. I was not cooked in the slightest off this bike. It was windy but not THAT windy and the course is super flat. However, it’s the highest power (161W/167W normalized) I’ve held in a sprint so far and my heart rate was 164 average, so I didn’t have *too* much further I could have gone without jeopardizing my run, it was just a wee bit on the conservative side.

Also, you can’t complain too much about outbiking your age group that much. So I won’t!

I headed into T2, and watched a gal coming out fall trying to clip in. I said, “Everyone does it, don’t worry, go get em!” to encourage her and I was off mine without incident and running to my rack. I got my shoes on quickly and decided to leave my handheld bottle (it was 63 degrees) but grabbed my caff blocks out of it and was in my race belt and headed out quickly. I didn’t see my husband and I was okay with that because he’s usually a faster runner and I needed a head start to hold him off.

T2 time: 1:12. 6/15.

The few seconds I took to get my chews cost me a few seconds and places on this one, but I think it all worked out.

I ran out of T1 and found two things – my feet felt like popsicles (60-ish degrees and a little wet from humidity and well ventilated bike shoes = cold!) and my arches also felt like they were running on little springy tennis ball halves with my new insoles, like the first couple times I ran in them. This was not a good sign.

Apparently I have a running fever that can only be cured with more ‘bell (and maybe some track work and losing 20 lbs but let’s focus, people…).

I did my best to ignore it and also ignore some dudes zooming past me at what looked like an effortless 7 min/mile lope and concentrate on my form and my breathing. I will not say that anything about what I was doing felt comfortable or effortless or flowing, but my legs were turning over and my watch kept showing about 9:30/mile, so I settled there for a bit.

As soon as that started to feel just a little bit comfortable, I tried working my pace down to where it felt just on the line of terrible and death and despair. If you feel happy at any point when racing a 5k, you’re doing it wrong. I’m sure it’s exactly what other people think when I whiz past them on the bike, but I get so jealous of people with great form and relaxed strides. I’m working the strength, I’m working the flexibility, someday it will click, but I just have this hard line right now around mid-9-minute miles where my legs just don’t understand it anymore and my lungs aren’t really much of a help either. I put down a (really stale, been open for months) caff chew to help educate them both on the wonders of going faster than that.

I passed the water stop that was about halfway, and the girls operating it said, “Less than a mile to go!” I looked at my watch and I knew that wasn’t the case at 1.55 miles but I felt like I might as well believe them for right now and just go for it. I kept looking back to see if I could see my husband, and I expected that he would be loping past me any minute, but after my watch ticked over to 2 miles down, my goal was to give it everything I had to see him at the finish line and not any time before that.

I won’t steal race pictures I didn’t pay for but I’ll surely LINK this right here. My bib # was 114 if you want a good laugh because I definitely had some pain face going on the last mile of the run. I did a really nice job negative splitting the run with 9:31, 9:21, and 9:11, surging to low 8 minute miles by the time I saw the arch. While I wasn’t sure my legs would hold up once we hit the last tenth of a mile on the gravel, I found the finish line upright and before my husband. Less than a minute, but still. It’s been since 2015 that I’ve beaten him in a triathlon. MINE!

Run time: 28:15. 9:25/mile. 7/15 AG.

I will say that I’m pleasantly surprised with this run considering I took about 6 weeks off after 3M and I’ve been on a bountiful 5-ish miles a week plan since. However, I’ve run pretty well off the bike lately and I was able to give it a little extra today. This is one of my better 5k-off-the-bike paces, if not the best, so I’ll be happy with it. And it did the job.

Total time: 1:20:52. 1/15 AG.

One hell of a rust buster shit show of a race! I. will. take. it. The insecure part of my brain wants to caveat it a million ways. Yes, I picked circumstances in which just about everything was to my advantage (pool swim, colder weather, flat course, running to end at a brewery as motivation), but that’s strategerie, man. Yes, 1:20 is not a particularly fast time overall (though it’s definitely a PR for me), but I was 16th female overall out of 126 finishers and I would have many of the female categories if not at least podium-ed, so it wasn’t completely a weird age group anomaly. Plus, I beat second by over a minute and third by almost four, and 15 people meant two in my age group should get Nationals invites, so I could have come in 3 minutes and 50 seconds slower and still made it).

I’ve had a few people ask me if now I’m just going to coast the rest of the spring season since I hit my goal of Nationals qualification on the first try. Let me tell you – standing on that podium felt way too effing good to do that. I’m excited to work harder and get faster so that I can be in the mix like that all the time. However, I also tend to race really well when the pressure is off (but not too far off), so this is a great place for me to be right now. It’s also a nice sign that I’m doing the right things to improve, so I’m going to stay on this little “prioritize lifting heavy things and eating less food over all else and yes, that even means run/bike/swim” path and see where it takes me.

In my next race, I’m less likely to stand on the top spot, considering the results last year, but anything can happen. In the next month, my goal is to improve my strength and speed, and on that day, if I leave it all out there on the course again, I’ll see what I can do. I just might find that podium again sometime soon.

That’s not what I’m doing right now.

By Quix

On March 26, 2018

In Uncategorized

Spring has sprung. The flowers are blooming, the trees are getting gussied up for the year, and the sun is actually warm and happy and shining instead of a dirty liar or just GONE for days at a time.

Kettlebells in the sun are the best kettlebells!

Spring for triathletes means that allllll the social medias are a-twitters (or a-grams, or a-books) about their 60 mile rides with stops for donuts and pizza and beer at the end. Or maybe even the serious ones riding centuries or more (with or without the junk food stops) now that the weather is primed and ready for riding bikes all day.

And then, here I am, spending a majority of my scant 4-6 hours a week (like, less than the time of some of my long rides last year) training, with the vast majority of it indoors, lifting heavy things in the gym. Do we still say FOMO? Is that still a thing? Well, either way, I have some major lust to be doing all that stuff again. I really wanted to just take my bike and go for hours and hours. I wanted to go find a pretty place in the country and go run until my watch ticks over to double digits. I think the only reason I’m not compelled to swim lap after lap in the lake is that the temperature starts with a 6 and that’s cold for me but soon that will be a thing as well.

And, let’s be honest, I miss the other aspect of that – the refueling. Stopping mid-long-ride for a Rudy’s chopped beef taco and a Coke. Ending a multi-hour ride at Desanos for a pie and a pint. Opening up a new bag of Baked Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles and cracking whatever’s cold in the beer fridge after a run that’s taken me from the morning to the afternoon. Oh, how I miss Ironman training, if especially the “eat anything anything ANYTHING you want and not gain weight” aspect.

However, that’s not what I’m doing right now.

I spent the last 7 weeks in the gym lifting heavy as my major form of exercise. My biking, running, and swimming were minimal, and I called it cardio instead of training. It’s definitely not where I’m usually at this time of year, although, my spring training has varied so much over the last five years, I don’t know that there is a usual, but this is DEFINITELY not it.

While it also gave me a chance to let my cranky left leg heal up without pounding on it all the time, my body needed a reset. I could run or bike or swim for hours without any real issue. I just couldn’t do it very fast. The limiter on both how far and how fast I was going was muscular, not endurance based. I was having trouble getting my heart rate up and hitting paces because my LEGS didn’t want to cooperate. The cue to stop running and biking was not when I got tired, but when my legs and lower back hurt too much to continue. My form sucked on my run because I didn’t have the strength and flexibility to fully correct it.

Basically, staying out of the weightroom for a year and a half made me a fragile little flower that was only good at one thing – doing things slowly, for a moderately long time. Because we are what we repeatedly do.

To paraphrase another oft-used quote – to do the same thing over and over and expect different results is madness. While I really want to just go run pretty places at a comfortable speed and ride bikes with friends at a conversational pace from the morning until the late afternoon, THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW. There’s a big disconnect between that sort of training and standing on sprint triathlon podiums. And while I want to just go play, my spring goals state that I should be doing a little more work than that.

And those goal are to have this kit see Cleveland Ohio for Nationals.

The good news is that my body is responding to the stimulus. I went out for my first team BSS brick workout of the year on Wednesday. While I’m not *quite* where I was at the end of the season last year, my ability to ride my TT bike around 18 mph in traffic and then hold a 9:30/min mile for 2 miles after (with a few gears left on each discipline, this was going moderately hard but not puke pace) shows promise. My endurance may suck right now, but I’m sharpening up for the shorter races quite nicely.

The most encouraging thing is not necessarily the paces, but the feeling. My body feels strong as hell right now. I was pushing 10 more watts last week than I was on that same ride last year. My speed just sucked because it got windy and I also got myself a little turned around and had to slow down and backtrack. Twice. Because I’m dumb. On the run, I was sucking wind, but my legs felt strong and capable, not like they were dragging to keep up, like they have the last year or two. As my endurance grows back again, I have a feeling my speed will coincide this time. And that’s exciting!

Also, just in the last week, my left knee/ankle/heel have started to cooperate. It took a massage and then an adjustment and some new ankle strengthening exercises, but I think it’s gotten the hint that it’s triathlon season and it’s no longer welcome to hinder me. Or, it’s that the chiropractor, stumped as to what the problem was, said “maybe it’s a little early arthritis?” to which my body said “hell no, we’re not that old” and fixed it’s malfunction. Either way, I was a much happier person last week because of it. I’ll joyfully go through a little bit of daily/monthly maintenance so I can play pain free.

My plan this week is recovery. It sounds weird to me with such minimal training, but I feel a little beat up from the heavy weights. I plan to mostly lay off the iron, with some short rides, runs, and swims to keep it fresh. Next week, when I’m recovered from the race, I’ll start resuming a normal spring training schedule with a balance of both.

If I haven’t mentioned a race plan, it’s because I don’t really have one besides going as close to that sweet sweet pukepace as possible the whole time to establish some metrics via heart rate and watts and actually how fast I move from point A to B to build upon for the rest of the season. This is a true “rust buster” race.

Actually completely pro #projectraceweight – almond crusted chicken, turnip mash, collard greens from Snap Kitchen. So, so good.

I have the number 56 on my whiteboard at work. It means 56 days until vacation, and I have 56 days left to be really strict with my diet. 7 down, 56 to go.

Last week was definitely an adjustment period. 1500 calories is challenging, but most days, it’s doable. Snap Kitchen for most meals really helped the initial break in period, and helped us “blame” something else for our smaller portion sizes. Don’t get me wrong, the food is actually pretty yummy and it was suuuuuper convenient not to have to do any cooking, but sometimes we’d just open up one of the meals and laugh at how small they were (before crying, because it’s our ENTIRE meal).

This was a pretty good representation of what I’ve been normally eating on a daily basis. The exceptions were Thursday, when I had some drinks after work. I had planned on it, so I just eliminated all my snacks that day, and ended up right at my 1500 calories anyway. On Saturday, we had birthday celebrations. I did my best to eat like a normal human being with what was offered, but I knew I was going to go over on calories unless I skipped dinner (and ending my day with cake at 4pm would set me up to feel flippin’ awful), so I sucked it up and called it a “maintenance calorie day” at 2300 (500 of that was dessert that if it wasn’t homemade by my family, I would have skipped, so I can pretty much see what I would normally eliminate to stay in my range). Sunday, I was right back to it, so we’ll call it a successful week.

For funsies, the numbers went like this:

Average calories: 1646
Average Diet Quality Score: 22
Average Calorie Burn (per Garmin): 2346
Average Deficit: -700
Average Weight: 185.7

This next week presents it’s own challenges. There are no family parties to navigate, but I am racing. It’s so not an A race, but I definitely don’t want to go too low in terms of calorie consumption both the day before and the day of the race (but I’d also like to not to sabotage my weight loss efforts either).

So, my goal will be to eat normally today through Thursday. Friday, I’ll eat my normal, pre-race routine of a normal breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch (somewhere on the way down to Katy, TX), and then grill up some chicken, potatoes, and a salad for dinner. Honestly, I will probably be able to get by on around 1500 calories, give or take a little for snacks if I’m feeling hungry.

Race day will probably be the biggest challenge. I’ll have my normal sunbutter jelly half sandwich in the morning with a coconut water and probably 1 gel and a little sports drink during (probably about 500 calories total). The race is sponsored by a brewery, so I’m imagining there will be beer after, and that will be happening. But I’ll try to limit it to ONE (~150 calories) even if they’re serving up all you can drink, because I can easily drink most of the calories I can eat in a day with good beer. With these races, the food is always questionable – if its something AMAZING I’ll indulge but if it’s crappy lukewarm pizza or something, I’ll come prepared with a protein bar or jerky and nuts or something to have something down the hatch to rebuild (200 calories).

Avoiding these. Because they are crack.

Once we get back to our campsite, I’m planning the attack two ways:

#1 – I plan to go for a little hike and hit the pool and I’m bringing some games and my painting supplies so I don’t just kick off the day with a beer at 9am when I finish and then continue doing that while just sitting in my camp chair. And, if I do end up sipping stuff all day, I’m making some very diluted punch and having a bunch of non-alcoholic fizzy water options so if I want to catch a buzz I’ll need to stay very very very very hydrated! Win win!

#2 – I plan to bring really healthy food as my only options. Veggies and fruit and nuts and jerky to snack on. Small steaks with potatoes and veggies for lunch (good high quality carbs and protein and nutrition for recovery). Fish tacos with coleslaw on the side for dinner or pre-made chicken salads if we can’t be arsed to cook again. I’m going to leave the chips and smores and all the other crap that’s just (delicious) extra calories without any nutritional value at home so I’m not even tempted.

And, if I end up going a little overboard anyway, it is just one day in the grand scheme of things and I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back to it again the next day.

Someday, the long days of training and the ability to make a few gluttonous food choices will return. But, that’s not what I’m doing right now. And I’ll be fine with it, if for only 56 more days.

#projectraceweight, take three

By Quix

On March 20, 2018

In Uncategorized

I am not an idiot.

A pizza-eating-sunglasses-inside-wearing giant dork? Sure. But not an idiot.

I mean, sure, I do stupid things. I make bad decisions. I go with the “feels good now” choice versus the “will actually push me towards my goals” choice more often than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I eat birthday cake even though I KNOW I will instantly regret that decision (stomachache, calories, etc). Sometimes I stay downtown and party with the band that we just met and go into questionable dive bars and play flippy cup with the bartenders instead of going home before sundown like a good little triathlete. Sometimes I’ll go for the fun bike ride with the team instead of doing my speedwork. Sometimes I binge watch a season of a show on Netflix I’ve seen five times instead of finishing a writing, movie, or art project.

However, I do these knowing full well that I am making the “right now” choice vs the actual right choice. So, I’m not an idiot. I promise. I’m just GREAT at self sabotage.

Delicious, amazing, decadent self-sabotage.

I know the reason I haven’t been losing weight even if I’d rather bitch about it the last few months than actually DO anything. My calorie output is approximately 2200 per day (and that’s improved from the roughly 2k or less I was seeing when the air was trying to kill me with either allergies or freezing temperatures), and I’m TRACKING 1800-1900 average per day, which means I’m probably consuming a little more than that. Studies show that even dieticians under-track their consumption so I am sure I’m doing that too. It’s just hard to be so meticulous.

Instead of getting batshit crazy and tracking every crumb (I just had a conversation with my husband about whether he should track his GUM intake since he’s on this crazy handbasket to hell with me this time…), I’m just going to aim for a lower number to make sure, errors or not, I maintain a deficit. This week begins the attempt at 1500 calories average per day. The last two months have been pushing an importance of #1 – diet quality and then #2 – calories. Now, I’m reversing the order. The most important thing is to stay as close to the 1500 number as possible. Of close second importance is diet quality, but if one has to win over the other, calorie count is king.

This sounds like a very subtle difference, but it’s actually pretty significant in how I handle situations that challenge me vs my goals. It feels a little bit dirty sometimes (I really want a ~~bottle~~ glass of whiskey, and I’m going to not eat ~~dinner~~ an apple so I have those calories). In all honesty, it’s not the best long term solution, but it is the *only* way I lose weight that doesn’t make me go completely bonkers.

Not an apple, but about as many calories as a large one.

When I eat super clean, 1500 is plenty for nutritional purposes. For example, yesterday I ate:

Breakfast (10:30am): 1 mug of green tea + 1 cup Greek Fage 0% Yogurt with 1/2 cup berries and 2 tbsp powdered PB (270 cal)
Lunch (12:30pm): Snap Kitchen Supreme Pasta (340 cal)*
Second Lunch (3pm): giant mixing bowl salad with lettuce, broccoli slaw, cucumber, tomato, corn, peas, pepperchinis, olives, reduced fat feta, and lite italian dressing (150 calories)
Snacks (4pm-8pm): 1/2 oz pistachios (75 cal), sliced apple with powdered pb and cinnamon (100 cal), corn tortilla with beans and lite jarlsberg cheese (175 cal)
Dinner (8pm): Snap Kitchen Shrimp Paella (360 cal)*
Before bed (10pm): Sleepytime Tea (0 cal) and a square of dark chocolate (40 cal)

*Yep, I’m making this week a no brainer by using a meal service. I <3 Snap Kitchen when kickstarting something like #projectraceweight because it’s easy to eat healthy food that’s pretty flippin’ delicious.

This works out to about 1500 calories and 31 DQ points. One off a perfect score – just can’t justify switching out that last dark chocolate square for a piece of fruit instead to hit that +1. I’ll live with that.

I rode my bike for 45 minutes easy-peasy-like in the evening and got my 10k steps for the day with walks, burning approximately 2300 calories and with a -800 calorie deficit. Day one done. If I can do this 5 days in a row, I will mathematically have lost just a little over 1 lb. If I can keep this up consistently for the nine weeks before I go on vacation, I can lose almost 15 lbs.

However, I know how this goes. I need to have an escape hatch every once in a while. Sometimes you have to splurge. So, once a week, I’ll allow myself to take in closer to maintenance calories – or around 2000. I can attempt to make that up, by eating a little less on the days around it, burning a little more (though my training schedule is pretty set and intentionally fairly consistent), or just accept that I’ll go a little slower. If I eat 2000 calories once a week for the next 9 weeks, I’ll lose 13.5 lbs instead of 15. However, that math is a great reminder that every little decision I make counts. Passing on an order of fries once a week is the difference of 1.5 lbs of fat loss over two months. That doesn’t suck.

My lovely french fry friends… it’s not you. It’s me. I just need some space. We’ll be together again soon.

So, I embark on #projectraceweight for the third time (and many other times before that under a different name). While it’s frustrating that none of them have actually succeeded, I’m starting a little lighter (186.0 today) and in better shape each time (I’m coming off six weeks of heavy weight training, BULKING, if you will, not couch sitting like the previous two years). And that doesn’t suck either.

It’s easy to be weak willed when faced with a goal months away vs the chocolate cake in my face (one slip up can’t hurt, right?), so I’m going to write out all the reasons why losing that 15 lbs would be awesome, in no particular order.

I’d like all the clothes I have in my closet/drawers fit me, and not pick the same few things over and over. I have some really cute clothes I can’t wear because of the extra spare tire I’m carrying around.
When we lost weight, we stopped snoring. The snore monster is creeping back into the bedroom. I’d like to stop waking Zliten up at night (and vice versa).
Actually maybe someday wanting to purchase a race picture instead of them making me barf. It would be awesome to be proud of how I look on the course vs embarrassed at looking like a sausage in my team kit.
I’m sure this knee/ankle/heel thing could be much improved with less constant pressure and pounding from my bodyweight. Being able to run pain free again would be worth saying no to every junk food in the world.
A free 30 seconds per mile running. Just for saying no to the chips or seconds at dinner for the next nine weeks is totally worth free speed. I just need to remember that junk food = slower runs.
Confidence. It feels really vain to say, but I’ll feel less hesitant about being on camera, putting myself out there as a brand ambassador and health and fitness mentor, and maybe even asking for help and mentorship myself if I feel better about my body.

So key points for me to remember until May 20th:

Eat 1500 calories or less UNLESS it’s that special once a week splurge day IF you need it.
Eat good quality food 90% of the time.
Don’t eat random crap just because it’s there. If you splurge, do it because you absolutely MUST HAVE THE THING and do that not very often.
This actually means a lot to you, so don’t fuck it up with self sabotage.
This is temporary and you are really good at maintaining your weight once you settle somewhere, so you won’t have to be this neurotic forever.

Like I said, day one is done. And I didn’t fall face first onto a plate of french fries. Day two has started. Six-one more to go.

On Starting Things…

By Quix

On March 15, 2018

In Uncategorized

Last month, I had a nice long cathartic post about hiding my insecurities and fear behind apathy.

I’ll take “things that scare me but I do them anyway for 300$, Alex”.

I’m pleased to say since then, I’ve faced some fears and have contemplated steps on others. As I said, fear is totally okay, but inaction via paralysis by fear is not. The cool thing, though, is I’ve found that just starting, just taking the first step in some cases, is enough to get the mojo flowing. In gymnastics and diving, I would analyze, analyze, and analyze again before starting my routine or trying a new trick or a launching myself into dive, but when it was time to go, I would shut my brain off and just do it. Go. Move. Execute. You can’t think too hard, otherwise, you freeze up midair once you realize what sort of idiot thing you’re trying to do and land on your neck. That’s not where you want to be. You analyze, commit, then execute.

In life at 39 vs my daredevil teenage years, there’s obviously less immediate danger, but you still run the risk of proverbially freezing up and not taking chances and pursuing something awesome.

Caption says it all.

#wattagebrigade:

First, I applied for my first brand ambassadorship, and I was picked! I am super excited because I love the brand (and the woman behind the brand is pretty awesome too), but my typical subconscious overthinks everything and almost stopped me. I had to justify to myself that I was worthy of being a representative of a brand. Me, with ~20-30 lbs to my race weight, who sometimes chooses bourbon over bikes, who’s not really training hard right now, who has less than 300 IG followers and 30-50 likes on posts.

But, I got myself to do it, I turned my brain off and submitted my application, and I succeeded! Hooray! I actually have another company I really dig that’s taking applications that I’m considering, and there are a few more that tend to open late in the year for next year. Brands that I use already and love, that I like the company and their values. I know it’s kind of a win win situation too, by sending me some free stuff, which is a relatively small investment, I’ll post about them on social media a lot because a) I have a bunch of their gear in my rotation and b) I’ll feel super warm and fuzzy about their company because they made me a little part of their team.

Video:

I love posting pictures. I shy away from video. I couldn’t really figure out what the difference was, until I realized that it’s the time commitment I’m asking the viewer. You can appreciate a picture and a caption in a few seconds. For a video, I’m asking for precious minutes. I need to value myself as something that people will spend minutes vs seconds on to be really comfortable making a video and sharing it.

My first attempts at video have been wayyyyy too many minutes, but I put them up anyway. I realize that I am not interesting enough to listen to for 28 or 36 minutes for the average viewer. However, once I get better at it, I think I can be interesting enough for 5-15 minute content slices if I practice and focus and talk about things that are useful. That’s my goal, and that’s where I’m going

I’ve gone from “video is haaaaaaard” to “I can’t wait to do this and practice more” and that’s super exciting to me. This is definitely one thing where I really just had to start and now I’m kind of hooked. Also, my husband bought me a green screen, a mic, and a light. I have all this #sopro gear, how can I quit now?

Painting:

Here’s a place I’ve found some land mines, but thus far, I remain in tact and in the process.

I spent some time Sunday two weekends ago looking for photo reference from pictures that I wanted to paint. In two hours, I went from “what the heck should I paint” to “OMG here are the 50 things I want to paint”, so that was a step in the right direction. Then, I froze up a little bit. How could I choose which to paint first? I handed off my ideas to Zliten and he picked one for me. Land mine avoided.

I immediately got started. I enjoyed sketching it out with pencil, and then I started painting. The background didn’t look quite right and I sat it down to dry before I did another coat and I didn’t touch it for a week and a half but I constantly thought about it. It was the thing that I didn’t know how to solve. I think I was intimidated by it being more difficult than I thought and I’m (still) scared that it won’t measure up to how awesome my photo was. Huge land mine in my path.

I avoided painting until last night when Zliten sat down to paint minis, I reluctantly joined him. I’m glad I did though, because after obtaining some new paints (better colors, more suited to the canvas) and finding some new techniques, I’m MUCH happier with my background. I’m ready to take the leap and start painting the foreground now, which is also intimidating and intricate, but I have momentum. I need to remember that I’m not a human printer and I can and should deviate from reality. And that my first painting in many, many, many years that was not lead by an instructor and fueled by a bunch of wine may not be the masterpiece that lands me in a museum, AND THAT IS OKAY.

When you take chances, you get to do cool things. Like wear awesome hats. And use the big adult weights to squat and deadlift. Roar!

Lessons on asking humans for things:

Totally minor but I emailed our chiropractor for advice on what sort of massage to get. My instinct was to just read up on it, but since she prescribed it to us, I reached out to ask advice. She got back to me and specifically said sports massage not deep tissue, so I’m glad I asked.

It really hit me last week when I was having trouble with my deadlifts. I got to 135#, and I felt like I could handle more, but I felt like I was going to drop the bar and couldn’t finish my sets and was frustrated. My husband talked to our resident weight lifter at work ON MY BEHALF because my husband is reasonable and thinks to do that type of thing, and he suggested I use a mixed grip. Saturday, I went to deadlift and I got myself up to 155# and found my limit but it wasn’t because of a grip issue.

I’m not going to stop there with the starting. Here’s some examples of how I want to face some totally-minor-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-but-subconsiously-holding-me-back fears in the coming weeks.

Baby steps into mentorship:

I know a few legit authors in my network or extended network. I’m planning on reaching out to at least three of them by the time I complete my book (next month possibly?) and asking for advice on what to do next. While my first instinct is to research the crap out of it myself, and I totally will – I have a non-fiction book lined up about just that, and I’ve found some great sites, but I’m forcing myself to reach out to people because I need to do that and I’d like to hear from folks I know that might give me more candid thoughts than something published… publicly.

For some reason, this one gives me less butterflies in the stomach than it did a month ago. It’s time to conquer the dreaded ASKING FOR ADVICE/HELP dumb fear I have.

Very Small Baby Steps into Entrepreneurship:

I’m reading up on Angel Investing. I got the book because if I ever decide to do a business that I look for funding, I wanted to know what it’s all about. Of course, now I’m interested in actually looking into dipping my toe into it. I don’t quite meet the income requirement to be accredited to do it myself, but I like the idea of joining a group and placing some bets with some disposable income. I’ve joined one weekly list and I’ll be on the lookout for more. If nothing else, I will be super prepared if I have to take meetings with them someday.

Weight Loss. What? Why is this on the list?

Let’s talk about losing weight and me playing psychologist with myself. Obviously it’s difficult because it’s just HARD to be as good as I need to be to drop lbs. The options I have in the real world are: a) be perfect (no junk ever at all) or b) sacrifice nutrition. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but that’s the only way I can get my calories low enough to maintain a deficit. The last successful weight loss period – I gave up snacks. It worked to take down some weight, but my snacks are healthy. I eat fruit and nuts and veggies and occasionally some whole grains. That sucks. But…I did it before, regularly, for about two years straight. I know I can do it again. The logistics of losing weight are difficult, but doable.

However, let’s talk about the mental side because this is something I’m starting to realize may be holding me back. As much as my conscious mind would give anything to be back at that 150-160lbs I was rocking 8-9 years ago, it also comes with some baggage, both external and internal.

Internally, if I’m that weight, I lose my excuses. Maybe I’ll perform better. Maybe it won’t be enough and I’ll just look good in my kit while still coming in 5th in my age group. It’s nice to have the “well, I did well even though I’m still fat” asterisk, but it’s getting really tiresome. I am really good at triathlon considering the weight I’m at, but damn, how much better could I be doing if I lost the pot belly? Maybe not at all, and this is as good as it gets. Am I scared to finally find out?

This one occasionally got harassed walking down the street. And also needed a leg tan…

Externally – I’m fit but I’m not what you would call “smokin’ hot” to society. At 180-something lbs, I’m not getting cat-called walking down the street. I’m not getting ogled. People aren’t commenting about how sexy I look while I’m just trying to put up a picture of me lifting weights in a modest tshirt and capris on Instagram. When I was younger, I would have loved the attention. Heck, when I first lost weight, it was kind of nice to have people look at my body and think positive thoughts instead of how similar it was to a beached whale. Then, very very quickly, it got tiresome. I realized recently that mayyyyybe there was a self-sabotage component going on here. It has been INSANELY hard to lose this last 20-30 lbs I want to, almost as if someone is subconsciously throwing dirt back into the hole I’m digging.

Screw that person. Screw what the world thinks of my body. If attaining what I want means I have to stretch out and warm up my middle fingers for consistent use and watch a ton of Janine Garafolo movies to brush up on my sarcastic comments to use on internet trolls and catcallers, so be it. Starting next week, I’m going to do my best to be as impeccable as possible with my diet for a full MONTH. At least. I’m going to make a running go at losing 10 lbs and see where I can go from there. I would love a free minute on my 5k run and if I can take of the 30 lbs I’d like to lose, that would be a free minute PER MILE. I would love not to feel like a sausage in my tri kit. I’d love to actually consider purchasing the race photo package in advance knowing some of them might not actually look disgusting.

So, if I start putting crap in my mouth that I shouldn’t, I’m going to have a talk with myself about WHY, in my heart of hearts, that I’m doing this. Obviously food is delicious, but I’m talking about a few months to a goal. Why is this particular food more important than my goals? Why am I sabotaging myself? Can’t I avoid being an asshole for a few months while doing the things that let my body return to a healthy weight for the first time in almost a decade?

It’s time to start answering these questions and taking some action.

Total Randomness

By Quix

On February 26, 2018

In Uncategorized

Whew, ok, the last post gave me the willies. Talkin’ about humans and feelings and stuff.

Things that do not impress me – arm day noodles and also feels like 30 degrees. C’mon winter. You had your time. Spring please!

Today, I’m going to go with total randomness.

Last week was the first week in a long time that I have barely noticed my heel being cranky. I was feeling some pretty big feelings about this earlier in the month, but I’m hoping between rest and dutifully wearing my insoles, its healed. Not to mention about missing out on some killer running weather, I’ve missed most of the season where I actually wear clothes that look somewhat put together since it’s not 200000 degrees outside. Why bother looking nice if I have to complete the ensemble with running shoes? Oh well. I can be a fashion police fugitive if it means a year of injury free training and racing. I’m willing to make that sacrifice, so it’s been a winter of mostly the same five hoodies and two pairs of jeans every week.

Speaking of things that should set a good tone for the upcoming season… I am really really really really really really enjoying heavy weights (as much as I like to make faces while doing it on the Instagrams). I forget how much I actually like taking the time to lift. It’s just as achievement based as run/bike/swim, it’s super fun to keep those weights numbers going up, and you really and truly can’t overdo it. I’m doing one hour three times per week, and I can see that’s pretty much the top limit on what’s useful. Unlike riding my bike, which I want to do as much as humanly possible until I collapse into a puddle of quivering goo.

I’m starting week #4 today and my gains right now are probably more based on remembering how to actually do the exercises (muscle memory) than actual strength. However, even if it’s totally subconscious, I do feel more sturdy and a little more definition in the marshmallow fluff all over my body. If I could eat a little less, I’m sure it would help but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. I’m hoping to stick with the lifting more throughout season – 1-2 times a week. Honestly, coach-me thinks lifting probably does me more good than a random 3-5 mile jog, but it’s hard to convince athlete-me of that when the thing I compete at is swim bike RUN.

A day of happy. Bikes, weights, unicorns fighting robots, and good food.

Obviously, since I’m just mandating that I do “cardio” 3xweek for 30 minutes, I’ve been riding my bike and that’s it. Because of the heel shenanigans, I decided to lay off the running, but I am looking forward to getting back to it in the next week or so. I’ve had some plans to hit the pool but then it will be cold or rainy or the sky will be blue or the day will end in -y and I do something else instead. Hopping on the trainer takes so little prep time. Swimming for 30 minutes is like a 75 minute commitment. I know I’ll get back to it when I need to, I’ll whine about being slow for a month, and then things will go back to normal.

Here’s a weird thing – my bike rides have actually gotten really GOOD lately. Over the last week, I’ve noticed that I’m putting in less effort to get the same power numbers and speed. I’ve also been having less trouble waking up in the morning, and actually have been able to hit the workouts before work fairly regularly. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I have hit the mythical place I haven’t seen in years: BEING RESTED! It actually feels great!

It’s like all the things are coming together. Weights make me feel great. Shorter bouts of cardio with some intensity is awesome. The other key is that I’m handling some shit in my personal life a little better which is a little tough for my BRAIN but fantastic for my body.

As an endurance athlete, I’m used to constantly feeling beat up. I’m actually more comfortable feeling a little tired and sore. During season, the punishment is mostly from workouts and a little fun when I can fit it in. During offseason, it’s adventures and enjoying the freedom to have beers more often and not being the best at sleeping and of course junk food because I don’t have to care what I feel like when I wake up in the morning because I’m not training.

I mean, after you earn an “Official Badass” mug you have to break it in at least once, right?

This has been a weird situation where I’m not training hard but also under a strict embargo to not eat and drink like an asshole because I’d really like to see the other mythical place called: AT RACE WEIGHT. It’s quite weird. Usually I have a reason not to go home and have glasses of whiskey like, “I have to get up and train for two hours tomorrow and you know how miserable that feels”. Now, I’m having to come home to “Yes you CAN have beers tonight but should you?” It’s like college, where all of a sudden you have freedom to do whatever, but then this big goal in the distance, and your job is to not to eff it all up by pursuing short term pleasure instead of long term goals too often.

It’s been a weird handful of weeks trying to sort this one out. I figured this would be a little easier, but it’s the end of February (two months later) and I’m still struggling with this one at times. In my quest to analyze what my malfunction is here, I’ve come up with a few things. Alcohol is fun. Just like Sleepytime Tea and my book and a square or two of dark chocolate now mean bed, a glass of whiskey means it’s an evening off goals and to dos, and it’s time to relax and unwind.

I’ve also learned if I let myself sit on the couch being bored watching bad TV surfing the net, I’m more likely to want to have a glass of wine to make that more exciting. If I do something engaging, like beading, playing games, etc, I’m generally pretty engrossed as is. Idle hands, and such.

Along with all this other healthy living noise, I’ve been doing a decent job at the QUALITY of what I’m putting in my mouth, if not the quantity. I have been reliably eating about 1900-2000 calories per day average, which I know at my current level of activity is just about maintenance level if not mayyyybe a little under. So, I’m not losing weight and that’s okay, because I’m not currently doing the things to lose weight. I’m a little grumpy about that, but at least it makes sense. Between a new lifting program and trying to eat the good food and not be a jerk and have vodka for dinner every few days, I’ll give myself some grace to allow myself to eat enough not to feel (too) hungry as long as it’s good quality food, for the most part.

I have been tracking and quantifying all my food, so that’s a huge step in the right direction. Next week, I’m bringing out some of the big guns – food that is lower in calorie but should be just as filling. I’m going to try to stay away from overloading on full fat cheese and high calorie sauces/dressings, and really stress less sweet fruits like berries and plums that are higher in fiber but not as many calories. Still the same method of tracking calories and/or diet quality, I’m just trying to play the game a little better. At some points in my life, at this level of activity, 1200-1500 was a normal day – not that I want to go that low, but 1600-1800 should not be THIS HARD.

Tacos often save my life for meals these days. Whole grain (corn tortilla). Lean protein (organic beef). Dairy (light organic sour cream and cheese). Veggies? Well, I get lots of veggies elsewhere. 🙂

Speaking of hard… I’ve really got a block about this learning to do video thing. I have no problems with pictures (I mean, obviously). I actually have gotten comfortable with the live streaming thing – both on a professional capacity and now at home streaming driving games (most Saturdays at 6pm – come watch us drive badly for a few hours). Making what I’m considering “video content” (at my desk, about a topic, with some picture references) is a little harder. My husband was terribly kind to set it up for me, and then I realized how GROSS that view of the office is (the background is a bunch of papers and mess and the closet door) and now I’m self conscious about that. Since that’s what I have to work with, I’m going to have to figure it out.

Then, of course, there’s all this crap. For the moment, I’m mostly going to leave it alone or I’m going to have to go back on that drinking thing… y’know… My baby steps are going to be:

I took the first step and applied for a brand ambassadorship for a small company I like and respect. My goal is to keep an eye out for other ones that come up that I’m interested in (though I missed the window for a lot of them by waiting until after the first of the year).

I plan to be more interactive on social media. I think I’ve finally gotten over feeling like an internet weirdo about commenting on people’s instagrams and twitters and stuff. It feels like this is what blogs used to be, and the best way for me to feel like part of a group instead of an outsider looking in is to be a participant and just clicking <3 does not count.

I think I feel so awkward about asking for help because I haven’t paid it forward enough yet. So, I’m going to look for opportunities to offer help where and when I can. I may not have copious free time, but I’m happy to offer advice on shit I know about – being a productive and efficient human (even if I don’t always follow through I know HOW), advice on the video game industry, advice on training or healthy diets and at least casual advice on helpful things to do to make that thing stop hurting or feeling weak or being a beta reader for a book or whatever. I’m going to look for opportunities to help and mentor and maybe I’ll be more comfortable asking for it myself.

Whew, ok, getting heavy again. Reading these non-fiction books is making me think too much. At least the one I’m reading right now (Run Fast, Run Forever) is just kind of making me nod along going “yep, I’ve followed this training plan before, I know I like it…”.

The one day where we were not either freezing or raining we went and played bikes in the woods. And it was glorious!

It’s not been all business time. I’ve played a lot of games. Video games, table top games, some board games, and we even went bowling with some friends. I had one of my best scores in a while, something like 145 (and of course, I forgot to get photographic evidence). We saw Brian Posehn on Friday (with tickets practically right on the stage, it was awesome). We had lunch and game with the family on Saturday. We saw Black Panther on Sunday and it was really powerful. I’m so close to actually breaking out my canvases and paints and my beads. We played mountain bikes last weekend on a day that was actually not cold or rainy. I have spent a few rainy mornings in bed reading, and sometimes it’s even fluffy sci-fi fiction! There is downtime being had, folks.

It feels like winter is starting to come to an end, even if technically we have another month, and even if the weather surprises us like crap days with rain and 30 degrees. I’m really looking forward to Spring – in that I’ll be training (aka, get to play outside in the pretty weather) but not training TOO much (aka, get to play outside in the pretty weather occasionally doing things that don’t include watts/pace suggestions). First, though, I need to sort out two things – my spring training plan and my spring race schedule. Then the season can ACTUALLY change.

What are you most looking forward to about Spring?

Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: psychoanalysis Page 9 of 31

Some days you are enough (No Label Sprint Tri)

That’s not what I’m doing right now.

#projectraceweight, take three

On Starting Things…

Total Randomness

About Me

Search

Pages

Archives

2026

2025

2024

2023

2022

2021

2020

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015

2014

2013

2012

2011

2010

2009

2008

Login