Adjusted Reality

It’s August 2nd. I feel like July went in a blink and my goal to have one blog post per month went by the wayside. But anything worth doing is worth doing badly. And late. Because even doing something half-ass keeps the habit intact.

So, July!

We headed out in the new camper for our annual Independence Day holiday at Krause Springs. It was an interesting trip where I found out a few things. One, the camper was an absolute hero at keeping the temperature down. The previous one struggled to keep us anywhere near comfortable in July. This one – I was in a sweatshirt the whole time inside. No notes. 10/10 for the AC. Two, I splurged and had drinks on two (non-consecutive) days. The second one was a little much for me as I not only had beverages but sat out in the heat for 4 hours being social as well. It was fun but dug a bit of a recovery hole that took me some time the next week of which I had to crawl out. Three, not drinking as much as normal on the trip meant I was super excited to run most mornings (I did THREE runs! I maybe have done three runs in all the other eight years I’ve been going there). Four – I just needed to remember that fourth of July camping is not the most restful no matter what when it’s all crowded and noisy and enjoy it for what it is.

July also was a start towards some triathlon specific race prep. I haven’t touched a pool or lake or anything (gosh, that would be a step too far) until TODAY, but I have been working on the bike and the run.

I’ve been outside for 3 rides now, two on DeathStar, and plan to do one more before I leave for my trip. I got new pedals, and they clip in and out much nicer than the old ones, which means I am halfway less skittish on the tri bike. Yay! My inaugural trip to Shoal Creek was:

• Loop 1 – how the heck do I do this again? (shaking out new pedals, power connecting, whyyy am I so slow and this feels so clunky)
• Loop 2 – ok, everything’s working, but how do I ride in aero while things fly at me instead of just being on the trainer? And why am I still so slow?
• Loop 3 – Aero is kinda sketch, but I can hold it some of the time. Faster but still wtf?
• Loop 4 – Ok, I remember how to do this. Mostly aero, holding about 18 mph, still not the best but this might even be a little… fun?

The second time today, I took the first lap very easy just pedaling behind Joel, and then took off to try to stay around 180w for the last 3. I hit about 172-175 normalized. I could have been in aero more but I think every runner ever was out running and many of them on the bike path. Which is fine, just pay attention, and don’t get scared when I come up on your left dodging around you. 1.52 mile run off the bike in 15 mins (9:52 pace, faster at the end) – my only complaint after the first 5 mins was feels like 89 is HOT y’all. I can’t wait to see what I can do in cooler weather.

I’ve also started doing a lot more intention on the bike (and the run). This week’s structure was:

• Monday- 5×5 tempo intervals on the bike at 175-180w (I think I hit 174 because I didn’t set my bike quite high enough), 3 mins recovery between (15 mins warmup and cooldown). Back and bi at the gym.
• Tuesday – easy 5k (which I actually kept easy!)
• Wednesday – 2×10 tempo intervals at 9:36 pace (goal was 9:30, it was feels like 91, calling it a win), 3 mins recovery between, 10 mins warmup/cooldown
• Thursday – walk only
• Friday – 40 mins at 135-145w (zone 2 power), held 143. 10 mins warmup and cooldown. Legs at the gym
• Saturday – walk only
• Sunday – 4 loops on the bike outside ~ goal was 175-180w on the last 2-3 laps and I got 172-175. Close enough. 15 min brick run, 9:52 pace. Got to the pool! 500yd in 10:13 (not the fastest but no complaints after slacking on swims). Chest and shoulders. I die now. 🙂

I will keep a similar schedule while I’m home until the race at the end of September, when my body will show me what it’s got. It’s kinda fun to be at that place again. My self-worth isn’t tied up in triathleting right now, but I have enough training/fitness right now to rev the engine and see how fast it goes.

We had the last show of the 2025-2026 season – & Juliet. I think it was my favorite, even surpassing Hades Town. While the costumes, the songs, the story was great, I think what really made me love it was something else. I’ve been settling into this year of experiments and found that after easing it up on the adult beverages and really prioritizing recovery… when you’re not so exhausted all the time, feelings return. It’s been a while.

In the way back, I weaponized apathy to never have to face whether I’d hit a ceiling or not. If you are too cool to care, then it doesn’t sting as much if you fail. Then, I weaponized anger. Like the hulk sorta didn’t really say, if you’re always angry, then you don’t have to feel some of the other uncomfortable emotions. Anger can feel like control. And power. And taking charge of shit. It served me really well pre-pandemic racing and at work – controlled anger is actually really freaking useful.

Until I started breaking down a bit. Anger is also kind of exhausting after a while. I started taking medication (LoLoestrin) which took away the angry (and the building anxiety starting to creep in underneath). The anxiety being at a dull roar at best was really nice, but I missed the anger to give me focus. So, I never really figured out how to proceed from there, and kind of floated a bit before I really started to work on this stuff this year.

One thing no one tells you is when you are recovered enough to start feeling the feelings again, the negative ones seem to hit first. Which sucks. But, then months later, you sit down to watch a musical with friends and feel something different. Not relaxed, not anxious, not pissed, not annoyed, not made, not sad, but this warm fuzzy feeling in your chest where I couldn’t help but smile and be in the moment. My friends, that was joy. Not contentment, not pleasant happiness, but joy. I haven’t quite found that since, but it was nice to have a moment of it for the first time in forever. I hope to find it again on the trail.

I coined a phrase that evening. “Even if I haven’t solved all the problems, I deserve to feel joy.” Sounds cheesy, but for some reason, that hit. I usually spend those musicals just thinking about what happened, what I still need to do, etc etc. That day, I was just present in the moment. I also later modified it to, “Even if I haven’t solved all the problems, I deserve to feel CALM.” That’s been my mantra because joy is cool and all, but what I really need is calm right now. Both those have helped me through the rest of July.

It’s not perfect, a work in progress for sure, but my ability to let that shit go after getting stressed, activated, etc is getting way better.

This was Thursday this week.

I would have described this day as a normal, if not slightly stressful/annoying in-office Thursday. I had a few things go wrong, a few things that were unexpected, and lots of meetings and an errand after work that took longer than expected. In previous months, that would have had the orange stress up at medium/high all day, the littlest things would send my body into crisis mode. Just these last few weeks my body has decided that it doesn’t have to brace for impact all the time. Even if I am not in a positive mood/content/etc, we are safe enough to physiologically rest. It has gotten to the point where I was able to get some body battery BACK whilst in the office working. That… hasn’t happened before. I had to confirm my watch was working.

So, I am trying to continue down this path – assuring myself that I am safe enough to experience stress, non-positive feelings, and non-positive situations without having to go and remain in fight or flight mode because of it. And maybe trying to find those moments where I can feel a little joy too. 🙂

And… uh… food and the scale. Yeah. It’s not exactly the biggest focus right now. I’m eating properly to fuel my training and feel good, prioritizing protein, and the scale is stuck exactly where it is. Right before a long journey is not the time to try to make it move, so we’ll get back to that after the race, stripping back 100-200 calories a day when I’m not trying to crush speed workouts multiple times a week. Thems how you get injured. Right now, I’m trying to get my meatbag in good condition to be able to sustain some weight loss efforts later in the year. I’m pretty sure it will help things if it’s not in crisis mode all the time.

In adulting news, we completed more than I expected.

• Complete our wills – done
• Transfer my 401k – done
• Hang pictures that are in the frames (home and office) – need nails, will do this after traveling
• Get other arts I found framed and hung – need some Joel assistance here, will do after traveling
• Get eye appointments and new glasses – we really need these, after traveling.
• Hair dids before Europe -done!
• Hang the light fixture Joel’s parents got us for our birthdays – before October when they’re here next 😀
• Bonus: house painting (since this is not US outside) – nope
• Bonus: shelves in my office (but i see this as kind of unlikely) -nope

Also, my husband did not give up on the garage and knocked out two more things:

• Get rid of the garage fridge – done
• Clean off and take the table in the garage back to the front door – done

So, now we can park my car in the garage. Neato. More in Q4.

Hobbies!

• PHOTO EDITING: cruise will be done by the time I leave. Then I’ll pick up Oklahoma when I’m back in Sept. I’m so behind this year, but hey, it’s better than the alternative – I’ll pick too many cool trips in 2026 anytime.
• WRITING: I am making some progress. It is not quick enough to catch me up to current campaign time. That’s probably a winter goal, for now, I just want to prioritize enough time writing each month not to get rusty and feel like I don’t write anymore.
• PAINTING: nothing here, the 4th of July trip did not have enough relaxing time to want to be creative like that. Not all hobbies can have the same motivations at the same time.
• GUITAR: I played. Once. Maybe twice.
• WALKO TACO – Q4.
• MORE GAMES WITH JOEL: we played a new card game whilst camping and started a puzzle but nothing since.

To be quite honest, I’ve been pretty toasted after work most days and just end up reading and relaxing instead. Then, the weekends depend. We rely on one of the days to do chores, get prepped for the week ahead, and relax. So, the other day is a toss-up – it’s either social (like game day or family day) or hobby day. Sometimes I can squeeze in all three but not lately. I feel like I have a little more oomph when it’s not stupid hot outside, so we’ll see if I feel less zapped in the fall.

And travel-

• Krause Springs July camping – done!
• Cotswold Way hiking + other stops Europe adventures – booked!
• Kerrville Camping in Sept – booked!
• Probably a few short camping trips in fall TBD – considering this after we get back from all the traveling. I’m sure we will want to do something but TBD how far/long this is.

And for work life balance – obviously a major focus, a work in progress, and we like how things are heading. This has been a REALLY difficult year and I’m handling it well because I’m able to recharge and recover during my nights and weekends instead of staying braced for impact (well, most days). So, I will call this a win.

August is about adventure (so many new places to explore!) and survival (prioritize enough downtime and recovery and treat my meatbag well enough so I don’t come back exhausted/sick). I’m very much looking forward to it!

It’s been a (good but) weird year, and it’s (good but) weird it’s already halfway gone.

At the beginning of the year, I thought I was going to half-heartedly try not imbibing so much and then go back to normal. Instead, I have completely changed my relationship with alcohol – it’s a celebration, an occasion, a thing to do for fun sometimes, a conscious choice, instead of just what I normally do on specific days of the week to relax and unwind. After enough space to really contemplate, I found that the substance did not really relax me, quite the opposite, actually, but the ritual did. So, I’ve replaced it with things that serve the purpose.

This last month, I’ve really been focusing on that concept of the ritual of shedding stress. The goal is not to never be stressed (or activated, more accurately – because sometimes excitement is fun but reads a physical stress), but to be able to come down from it quickly. I’ve been working on the experiment of “how quickly after a workday, a social event, training, etc (things that peg my physiological stress) can I go from high/medium stress to low stress or rest?”

I’ve found the transition between things – letting something go and moving to the next – is important. When I am stuck halfway somewhere, I stress. More power to the people who can just dip into work at 8pm for a little bit and immediately go back to relaxing after, but that’s not me right now. To relax at all, I need work (or the physiological stress) to end, and I need my brain to transition away from it completely.

Just shutting my laptop and walking to the couch doesn’t do it, especially if my husband then gets off work and starts talking about his day or I think about a weird 5pm message as I was leaving that spins me up – instant activation that’s really hard to shake. Sometimes it’s not even the acute problem of being re-activated. If I had a particularly challenging day that I can’t easily let go of, which lately, has been a lot of them because I’m doing some challenging things – I can stay in that high stress place indefinitely, for no good reason, unless I actively work at it. So, I’m working at it!

So, I’ve got a few things in my arsenal now:

• If I can truly leave work at the office before commuting home, that’s usually enough. That’s not often though (since we try to leave before traffic and that’s pretty early so I usually have 2-3 “shifts” on an office day)
• If I have time after work, doing a very easy short bike watching stupid tv is a great transition
• The most reliable, fastest-acting, and least friction/effort is drinking a Hiyo.

ChatGPT calls it my fancy cup of tea and says it shouldn’t have the immediate physiological effect it does, but it’s the only thing that can reliably plummet my stress levels to resting. Immediately. So, it’s become my default ritual. Next month I plan to dig a little deeper. Is there something in it that just relaxes me? Lions’ mane mushroom? L-thiamine? Ashwagandha? Or is it just the effect of being able to say, “I’m having this beverage and it’s time to stand down for the day”? It’s not guaranteed – my stress can and will go up after if something stressful happens, so it’s not numbing medication – but it gives me a chance at relaxing. That’s enough most days.

Also, I’m trying this revolutionary thing called… breaks. I know, shocking. I hate em.

How my brain wants life to go: do all the things until they are all done and then rest. Why are you resting? All of the things aren’t done! DO THEM!

How my brain does this on a good day: DO ALL THE THINGS and then crash exhausted on the couch/bed way too late because there are too many things and I have unrealistic expectations of myself and wonder why I’m not motivated to do it all again the next day.

How my brain does this on a bad day: DO ALL THE THINGS but only the first step of them, move onto the next set of all the things, but only the first part again, so on, and so forth, until I have started 20 things, finished none of them, and feel neither accomplished nor rested and have left myself a bunch of cognitive debt, self-disappointment, and a huge mess.

How my body reacts to both: FIGHT OR FLIGHT OMG CRASH BUT ALSO STRESS SPIKES THAT DONT GO AWAY. ARE YOU PRODUCTIVE? NO. ARE YOU RELAXED? ALSO NO.

What I’m trying now: do some things, finish them if I can or get to a stopping point if I can’t. take a break. let myself relax even though not all the things are done. do more things. take another break. Do this not because you have to earn or justify breaks, but because you are more productive and less stressed when you have a few moments to downshift during the day.

Like, super cutting edge stuff. Taking a break between things instead of getting up in the morning and going 100 miles per hour until all the things are done or I collapse is a novel thought to no one ever but me, but here we are. It’s totally against my nature and taking some brain-rewiring, but now that I’m realizing that transitions are important, these also count as transitions.

So, I’ll continue to work on all this. Minimizing stressful situations would be super cool, but not terribly reasonable until retirement, so I’m going to instead work on flipping the stress switch off more quickly and effectively. Looking for places where short breaks will actually make me better and more productive. I don’t want to have to hide from the world and/or do nothing to keep my Garmin happy, so the option is seeking better ways to be able to shrug off stress more quickly and move on. Let that shit go, as they say.

Let’s go goal by goal.

#1 My Meatbag

In the universe laughing at my plans here, my scale died whilst in Utah and Nevada. When the replacement arrived, it came with a warning “will weigh higher/higher body fat/etc etc”. Surely, not me, right?

Yup. It me. If numbers were to be believed, I had erased all progress since the beginning of the year with one dead scale and another really freaking rude one.

So, I’ve chosen to weigh daily but not really pay that much attention to it for a while. With the deficits I’m maintaining (not much, by design), there’s not much I can see in 2 weeks of weighing. So, I’m going to treat it as another metric I’m tracking right now, like sleep, HRV, stress, etc, instead of the north star of “how worthy I am of being a human” or whatever importance my brain previously has attached to it.

It’s probably healthier to think this way… so I’m rolling with it… but, like, eventually that number needs to go down. I do think I’m undoing many years of trauma with how I was treating it, so I can be patient. Especially since I’m seeing some other benefits. See below.

#2 Sporty Stuff

Here’s the neat thing. My increased food/protein intake, the lack of alcohol calories, the fact I’m actually taking my vitamins and a full dose of creatine daily instead of “gummies when I remember”, prioritizing recovery and all these other changes? I’m feeling really good about training.

I feel quite sturdy (knock on wood) and able to take on challenging workouts again. I am still trying to do recovery things like boots, ice, roll, stretch, etc, but I don’t break down if I am not perfect here. Heat acclimation this year has gone really well, like I can’t actually remember a year where the heat bothered me less. And most importantly, I’m feeling excited to go take on workouts that aren’t “run for as long as you feel like at whatever pace”.

My first official week back:

• Monday: 1h bike intervals – 15 mins warmup, 6x 90 sec at 200-250W with 3.5 mins off in between, cooldown. Legs at the gym. 5k miles walking
• Tuesday – easy 5k run, 5k walking
• Wednesday – Run intervals – 15 mins warmup, 5×90 sec at 8:30-8:45 min/mile pace, 2.5 min jog back to start – 10 mins cooldown. 2.5 miles walking. Chest and shoulders at home.
• Thursday – 5k walk, otherwise rest day.
• Friday – 50 mins easy bike, 5k walking, back and biceps at the gym
• Saturday – Triple brick – 20 mins bike/1 mile run x3. 120watts/135watts/152watts on the bikes, 10:37/9:50/9:18 on the runs. 1.3 mile walk
• Sunday – 1 mile walk, rest day

I’m pretty happy about this. It was a really stressful week, and I was even in a funk and questioned whether I should do Wednesday’s workout. I got out and tried. It wasn’t exactly the workout I had planned (I had 6×2 mins) and I definitely didn’t come back going “wheeee!” like I did on Monday and Saturday’s faster workouts, but sometimes it’s great to just go prove to myself I don’t need optimal conditions to make it happen.

This week is a short one, I’m camping Thursday afternoon on, so frontloading the first half of the week and intentionally taking Friday-Sunday as recovery.

• Monday: Pretty much same as this week, intervals, walking, gym weights
• Tuesday: I need 4.5 miles to hit a garmin badge 🙂 so I will extend my easy morning run just a little bit. Short walk, and home weights
• Wednesday: easy bike – 30-60 mins, walk, weights
• Thursday: brick workout – 45 mins bike, 5k run. Both starting easy to steady to race pace by the end.
• Friday – Sunday: walking, maybe one easy run if it sounds fun.

I’m kind of here for it. I have a focused block here I’m doing, then a jaunt over to Europe which will be a lot of activity, but non-specific for a triathlon, then a sharpening block when I return before I race Kerrville. I’m excited to see how the summer goes, and then after that, consider where I want to go next.

#3 Adulting

• Do taxes (done!)
• Did a bunch of financial stuff (taking credit for what we did do)
• Get rid of the garage fridge
• Clean off and take the table in the garage back to the front door
• Take garage stuff from work back to work
• Take garage stuff that needs to go to goodwill to goodwill
• Clean out the shelves in my office.
• Clean out the under the counter weird stuff (done)
• and the shelf where the cat food is and just has random junk
• Get the new lights put up (done)
• Call ABC on the thing falling down outside (done!)
• Sell our old garmin watches
• Sell or get rid of the e-bikes we dont ride
• Hang pictures that are in frames
• house painting (this is a biggie, I call this a bonus)

So, definitely not completing everything, but we didn’t completely ignore everything. I’m going to reset for Q3 and get rid of everything that is outside or not in the AC. I just think the garage is the garage for right now until it’s not a million degrees, it’s too much effort to deal with the house painting, and I just kind of don’t want to be in my office when it’s not work time. Q3 list-

• Complete our wills
• Transfer my 401k
• Hang pictures that are in the frames (home and office)
• Get other arts I found framed and hung
• Get eye appointments and new glasses
• Hair dids before Europe
• Hang the light fixture Joel’s parents got us for our birthdays
• Bonus: house painting (since this is not US outside)
• Bonus: shelves in my office (but i see this as kind of unlikely)

We shall return to the garage cleanout when it gets cooler. Anything we do there I consider a super-bonus!

#4 Hobbies

Here’s another interesting place I need to keep an eye on. All of these hobby things bring me joy. It didn’t make sense at all to me why I love writing, painting, gaming, photo editing, etc, but I can’t always bring myself to do them. Through exploration, I’ve found that it’s not physical tiredness that keeps me from there, and it’s not even really mental tireds either – it’s that being creative is a bunch of micro-decisions and in a day where all I do is decide things, it’s really hard to want to end my day making a bunch more decisions, even though they are fun decisions. Writing is a lot of decision making. So is painting, and since paintings just look horrible until they are done and look good, there’s not a lot of dopamine reward until the end. Games are basically decision-making simulators. Photos are the lowest stress but still looking at a screen and selecting photos to edit takes some cognitive load.

So, I now have a daily scale – Executive Function Points. Similar to spoons but focused on decision-making more than effort. Case in point – if I know I really want a sandwich from a restaurant a mile away, I will have no problems ordering that sandwich and walking down there to get it. It will actually bring me joy to do that and cost no EFPs. However, if I just am sitting here hungry, no idea what I want to eat, and I’m low on EFP? I’ll just open the refrigerator and eat random ingredients because that doesn’t require making a decision and I’m all out of making-decision-juice.

If I sleep well and am well-recovered, we start at Green brain. Green brain is excited to make decisions, cook things, walk to the store, write, do chores, do focused work, etc. On good days we start here. I still have to be careful to not overdo things because I can easily run green brain right into the ground because I love me some productivity, but if I treat it well, green brain is a gift.

Yellow/Green brain is when things aren’t perfect, but I’m doing pretty well. We are ready and capable of decision making in the morning but realize there’s a counter that capability that will run out eventually depending on the day’s activities. On workdays, this means I can probably do a normal workday + one thing after that takes social or decision-making energy, or a tough workday will use this all up. On days off, I can probably spend my morning and afternoon doin’ stuff but want to relax by late afternoon/evening or I go into debt for the next day.

Yellow brain is when I haven’t slept that well (but not that terribly) and my recovery stats are fair to middling. Yellow still means functional adult, but I don’t have as much capacity before I start sliding down the scale towards being fried or feral. If I start at yellow on, say, a Tuesday, and I work out (not that many EFPs to do it but sometimes the lingering activation causes stress), go into the office (peopling, commute, putting on real clothes, etc costs EFPs), have a bunch of meetings (some minimal EFPs for maintenance meetings, more for challenging or emotionally charged meetings), and come home – that’s probably it for the day. It helps to have that expectation so I don’t wonder why I can’t do stuff – even fun stuff – after hours.

Orange brain is where I’ll end up after challenging workdays or workdays where I start at Yellow. I haven’t had a morning this bad yet since I’ve been tracking, but it would be the kind of day where I did the bare minimum to get done, home, and back in bed because I’m risking ending in Red or Black brain if I don’t. Ending my workday here means food needs to be already picked for dinner or I will eat the easiest thing possible (which for me is usually a can, box, or leftovers, takeout takes more EFPs so I guess that’s working for me), though I can still help prepare it if Joel is taking the lead. This means reading or TV after dinner, not productivity or decision making unless forced at knifepoint.

Red brain is done. Fixed und fertig as the Germans say (according to my Duolingo app). Bring me food, put on the TV and pick something to watch, hand me my book and say we’re reading, I am doing whatever is the easiest thing that doesn’t make me think or decide. Trying to be better to myself these days, I think I would seriously consider calling in sick if I started the day here. I’m guessing I probably used to start at least a day per week here, or maybe close, more like Orange/Red, and barely manage to make it through the day.

Black brain is the feral raccoon who has rescinded all adulting and is standing in front of the fridge eating ingredients and growling at people. I’m taking care to not get here anymore if possible. And if I do – definitely not pushing through my day. That’s what sick days are for, I hear.

So, back to hobbies – in July we’re trying to balance recovery but also finding space to do some things I really want to do as well. I don’t want to put away my hobbies until I retire! That sounds awful.

• PHOTO EDITING: I am now finishing up San Francisco 2025. I still have the cruise and Oklahoma camping to finish up 2025. That seems like a good softball goal for Q3 – one small project per month.
• WRITING: I am really trying to make space for a few hours a week, and not all at the same time. I do love my monster writing days, I’m really productive if I can just crank on it, but not at the cost of burning out on it and not touching it for months after.
• PAINTING: I plan to take my in-progress painting and a blank canvas camping and see where it goes. I’d really love to get back into this because it’s one of my hobbies that doesn’t involve a screen, but for some reason its really difficult.
• GUITAR: Ok, let’s really see if I can do this in July. It’s a natural break. I need breaks. Hmmm….
• WALKO TACO – Q4.
• MORE GAMES WITH JOEL: we did some games! I actually have found that playing games is a perfect activity paired with a few drinks – both are HYPE/FUN vibes, not relax vibes.

And travel-

• Krause Springs July camping
• Cotswold Way hiking + other stops Europe adventures
• Kerrville Camping in Sept
• Probably a few short camping trips in fall TBD

#5 Work/Life

I won’t belabor the point, but I’ve been REALLY strong here. Solid A for effort. I mean, I have worked long hours/weekends a few times when absolutely necessary, but I’ve balanced it with the habit of reasonable workdays and shutdown times most of the time, and really going all in on the strategies on how to leave work at work because it pays huge dividends for me (both how I am wired and also my title). The biggest thing for me is making sure I don’t keep open loops. At the end of the day, everything needs to be done, delegated, parked, or next step determined or I just think about it constantly. So, I’ve come up with a system and strategies that are working here 75% of the time. With the transitions, rituals, and recovery and this, I think I’m in a healthier place than I’ve been for a while. Also, the challenging work I’m doing at work will pay off to help me here even more (though in the long term, more stressful in the short term, but that’s always how it goes, right?).

And on that note, I’m going to take a BREAK and go read a few chapters in the bath before I start my next project. See, I can learn!

Hi hello and howdy, it’s been a minute.

I feel like I’ve been a lot of places mentally and physically as well as geographically so let’s catch up, shall we?

April (and May) was a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Work is normally a lot, and instead it was a LOT LOT LOT a lot. I ran away to the woods not once but twice to recover, and once again in May, and I am still hanging on but it has taken every nature bath to do it. I have had to really draw boundaries and be excellent at recovery and downshifting to keep myself a productive and also sane human being. Not sure if I’m changing or circumstances are changing but I guess getting older means getting more exacting about what you want and need and my noggin and meatbag are telling me loud and clear. And I guess getting older means wiser – so I’m listening before they yell at me and knock me down.

Early April – we took a quick trip to a campsite outside Pedernales Falls called Yager Creek. This was right in the midst of the work crazy, and it was just what we needed to recharge before getting back to it. We also hit Blanco State Park so two more checked off the TX State Parks scratch off poster!

Mid-April (right after the work thing) – we had a trip to Buecher State Park booked (the last spot in the only TX State Park available in April when we booked – at least within an hour or two of Austin). The fishing for Joel was not exactly the best (the lake was SO dry) but the scenery and hiking and relaxing was exactly what we were looking for. I read three books in a weekend and took at least that many naps.

The weekend between the trip and the convention I was just absolutely flattened. I crawled into bed at about 4pm on Friday and slept fitfully all night (I couldn’t eat, couldn’t relax, it sucked!). Saturday was a nothing day, I could barely get out of bed, and ate like a toddler as that’s all I could stomach. Sunday was a little better but I didn’t push it. Sometimes stress just comes at you hard and kneecaps you. I let it.

Late April (two days later) was a work convention (in Austin). I was amazed with how close this felt to traveling to a convention in terms of disruption from norm and recovery. Three social dinners, two full days of learning and social interaction, and trying to stay on top of actual work at work during. Sleeping in my own bed was clutch but also commuting to things across town was a pain. It was a lot and even without indulging in the six or seven opportunities for an open bar (just the last night and not very much), it definitely tanked my recovery.

Then, the big trip. 11 days split between a hiking adventure (Valley of Fire + Zion + other places around St George UT) and a convention in Vegas. I was a little worried about completely crushing myself on part 1 (hikes) and crashing into part 2 (Vegas) exhausted, but I found out that wasn’t the case. I felt so great after part 1 I carried that energy into part 2 and got through it OKAY even though spending five days in basically an indoor mall wasn’t exactly my recharge vibe (but I did have both a productive and fun time – just not anything I’d choose to do to relax/recharge).

Using my friend ChatGPT, we’ve started analyzing not only my weight and calorie trends but also my recovery metrics like HRV, sleep quality, stress, and body battery – as well as how I’m feeling mentally/physically outside of the numbers. And, since this is my little soapbox, let me share it with you!

Drinking – obviously my #1 way to absolutely tank recovery. One day of having drinks = one day of bad stats. Not a huge deal but I am WAY less tolerant of feeling crappy and carrying on like I am fine now. Two days in a row or more (like, how I used to handle conventions, or even some random weeks) = potentially a week or more to really recover like after GDC. I avoided that this time, thankfully, and it seems to be a good rule. Drinks yesterday = no drinks today. And the number doesn’t really seem to matter after one – two drinks seem to do the same as five. I still enjoy it every once in a while, but the juice is not as often worth the squeeze anymore.

Social overextension – my job is so social that I’m at the point right now where being social at all feels like a job. It’s a huge change from where I was in college – if I wasn’t out doing stuff with other people, I’d be anxious, I was the extrovertiest extrovert to ever extrovert. Now, I know I should enjoy spending time with people I like, but even fun social interactions with people I like peg my stress immediately into the high category and it stays there for quite a while after I am back home. I don’t want to live like “Hell is other people” but physiologically my body is reacting this way. Other humans make me have to be ON like I am on at work so other humans are work.

Sensory overload – exciting things are cool! …in small doses these days. Too much exposure to bright lights, loud sounds, multiple conversations happening in a loud room, etc – at least when I’m already a little stressed – seems to send me into a stress spike.

Unclear transitions – It used to be so easy before the pandemic – I went to work, I worked, I left work, and then I didn’t work until the next workday. Now, work from home has made this more flexible – good in some ways, bad in others – and even on office days, I tend to have 2 or 3 work sessions – home/office/home or office/home. I am pretty good about finishing my day and closing my door, but then I need to figure out what I’m doing next, when is Joel done working, is it dinner time yet, so I usually flail around for about 30-60+ mins not doing anything productive, just trying to figure out my life and then I’m just kind of exhausted from trying to decide ONE MORE THING. This is one of my June goals – I’m going to have a clear transition with a ritual.

Every moment feeling “claimed” – Part of the after work issue with the flailing is that I always have so much more I want to do, but I am either too mentally cooked from work, or there’s just not enough time with the “have to’s” like dinner, duolingo, D&D writing… and then somehow it’s time for bed and I’m getting dragged away before I feel like I get any time to do things I want that are productive-relaxing. Also, a little bit of the resentment for having to do social things that I know are going to deplete me instead of being able to be productive at something I want to do. It’s a crappy way to look at it, but it’s just how it is right now.

Work – any office day pegs my stress very quickly (the other people thing), or any meeting-heavy day at home does the same. Occasionally I’ve gotten to low stress/rest periods while Teams is closed and I’m working on a focus task that is not stressful/high stakes, but generally it feels like I’m in fight or flight most of the day. Just thinking about work on a day off is definitely activating me, so we shall move on. 🙂

Sleep – is a huge factor right now. Good sleep means all the rest of my numbers are good and I’m ready to storm the castle. I can fight through mediocre sleep but not too many days in a row and bad sleep is just asking for the rest of my stats to tank unless I really turn it around the next day with care. I used to be able to pass out anywhere. Now, I need exactly the right pillows, blankets that are not too heavy and not too light and not scratchy, my white noise machine, the room to be not too hot or cold (though cold is preferred), all blinking lights covered, etc. I’m kind of a pretty pretty princess when it comes to the bed.

But we also found what relaxes me.

Movement – incredibly calming to me. Better than inactivity. Walks. Easy bikes, or maybe even a little bit harder than easy but not sufferfests. Chill runs in the right seasons. Up to Zone 2 stuffs. Either outside in pretty weather/scenery or watching stupid TV. I think I recover better during and after movement most times rather than just sitting on the couch. I’m going to try to harness this as my transition from work to home – a 20-30 min bike or walk. Not to get more cardio in or earn more food, but just to unspool the brain. I tried the sitting and just existing thing and maybe I’ll get back to it someday, but it didn’t really work. And right now, I want to play to my strengths. It will also eliminate the “I’m done with work, wtf do I do?” I bike or walk. While I bike or walk, I figure out what’s next instead of the flail.

Nature – I mean… yeah, I knew this one. But my recovery metrics during the trip cemented it. 5 days of epic hiking? Great. 5 days of Vegas? Not so great. The activity took more out of me physically, especially when I went from 2800 feet to 5600 feet in one morning in Zion, but I rebounded the next day always feeling great. I ran 4 miles outside in gorgeous weather on day 6 instead of hiking and marveled about how awesome my legs and my everything felt. Then, I spent 5 days inside a giant noisy mall. Less physically taxing (even though I had very high step counts most days and worked out a few times in the gym) but was definitely not as relaxing to me than climbing pretty rocks.

Structured but spacious schedules with some self-directed creativity – this is a mouthful but bear with me. I like rituals. Knowing what I’m going to do takes a lot of stress and decision fatigue off me. I live for to-do lists and schedules. Problem is when I optimize TOO much, I get to the end of the day spent, and like I had no time to relax, even if I chose that path. This is another June thing. I’m going to try two things:

1. Get all my “must do” items done before my active transition. I know I’m not always going to be perfect, but that means making time for my daily duolingo, making sure my food is tracked, and I did my D&D writing in the discord if applicable before I am “done” for the day.
2. Then I can transition to movement, then dinner, then it’s totally up to me what I do after. Writing? Photos? Reading? TV? Games? It will probably also (maybe) help me with doom scrolling, as I think that’s the default choice when I am still deciding what I want to actually do (and then sometimes, it becomes what I do not by choice).

I mean, also, just a day off yesterday, fully off, giving myself permission to do nothing but my 1-mile walk, felt great too. I think more than 1-2 of those in a row and I’d get restless. But I should remember to give myself permission to do exactly that after transitioning if I am truly cooked.

Going back to my 2026 experimental habits, just to check in-

1. Drinking less. Yep, this one has stuck. It definitely didn’t solve all my life’s problems (in fact, I think my body has gotten more persnickety about recovery now, which is…. eh) but I’m a happier human having vitamin W(hiskey) being a sometimes food.
2. Eating more (protein). Coupled with the above, I feel like my body is healing years of trauma slowly instead of just magically losing weight, which is also frustrating, but I feel like eventually everything is going to come together. I am still in the “debloat” stage post-trip so I have no idea what I weigh (that’s a tomorrow problem!) but I know I survived it better getting 130-145g protein and ~2700 calories per day on the very very active trip I just took vs trying to cut to a lot less than that to either diet or accommodate drinks daily.
3. Aggressive Work To Do Listing. Having reasonable expectations around what I expect to accomplish each day at work is so refreshing and actually makes me able to let go (sometimes) instead of worrying about all the nebulous things that are left and out there to get me. I set up my schedule every evening before, and during the day make notes of what I have accomplished and what’s left and debrief and set expectations before I close up shop. It’s been a nice ritual, I feel like I’ve been on top of things better, and I can set better expectations on delivery dates (“yes, I can slot that in on my Friday Focus day, I’ll get you a draft no later than Monday EOD”, etc.)
4. Flossing every night before bed/stretching or rolling every night – neither of these things became daily habits but they also worked to become much more frequent ones. So halfway wins!
5. Deep breaths/Noticing things/etc – they are tools in my arsenal but haven’t been my “silver bullet” to calm me the eff down. We’ll keep trying. This is what the active transition next month is trying to do – find the “off switch” where I can put my stresses in a box for the night/weekend.

So yeah, my two new habits that are kind of extensions bigger goals (let go of stress/work better) will be:

1. Active transition from work to home (or “must do” to “want to do”) now includes light activity before dinner.
2. Conscious decisions of what I want to do after work with my time instead of feeling like my time is passively eaten.

Basically, I’m trying more things to help myself stand down and deactivate instead of just feeling low grade always on.

June is also a month where we have no travel plans – unless we do a ninja short camping thing last minute over the holiday long weekend – but right now we’re both kind of feeling like a month at home sounds nice, since it will be a while before that happens again. But the new camper is very nice and relaxing and so is tubing so… yeah. We’ll see.

Ok, goal catchup!

#1 My Meatbag!

I am going to skip the weights pictures but here’s some numbers:

April – 185.3 trendweight -> 184.7 trendweight. Considering what I was up against, I will absolutely take it.

May – 184.7 trendweight -> 184.4 trendweight on May 9. I am a little terrified to see what 11 days of hiking and Vegas did to me, but I tracked everything and ChatGPTrainer thinks I supported my activity around maintenance mode and didn’t gain much actual fat. But I expect the scale to be noisy (I do still feel bloated) and for that to mess with my head for a while.

Goal is and continues to be-

1800-2000 on rest days. Trying for the lower end, but I’ve found that my appetite doesn’t really change much on rest vs moderately active days, so I’m carving out more of my deficit on active days where I burn more but don’t feel like I need to eat that much more.

2000-2200 on days with under 1h easy-ish cardio. Maybe a little more (up to 2300) on days I lift too.

2300-2500 on my bigger volume days (~2h) and can go higher if I do more.

And always, this is honoring the hunger I feel (if it truly is hunger). If I’m eating enough protein and I’m not hungry, I’ll go lower. If I’m ready to crime for a snack, I will eat.

More data when there’s data to… more?

#2 Sporty Stuffs.

Last post I said I was mostly just supporting #1 above and I’d say that’s pretty accurate. I’m thinking about resuming the bike plan next week to get some more structure besides “get on and pedal” again. I was considering the run plan, but I had to commit to 5 days a week and… yeah… not going to happen in the summer. I’ll follow those as one-offs on the daily recommendation and focus on biking. In the AC.

Stats for April

• Run 18.5 miles
• Bike 60.5 miles
• Walk 85 miles
• Strength 8 sessions

And stats for May. Improvements everywhere, even if they weren’t Jan/Feb numbers…

• Run 25 miles so far, another 6-10 planned
• Bike 55 miles so far, another 20-30 planned
• Walk 58 miles so far, another 10-15 planned
• Hiking 25 miles (tracked these separately for a badge :D)
• Strength 10 sessions so far, 12-13 planned

June goals – just a little more to the runs and bikes + add in a swim once a week. But again, my biggest priority is #1 so whatever supports that the best. ChatGPTrainer also likes to remind me that even when I’m feeling “not super active” (like April) I’m pretty active. I’m getting a little bit of an itch to do something stupid again soon – another 50k, maybe a metric century or century ride, maybe a half marathon, but I definitely am not starting ANY of that until after Kerrville/fall/cooler weather.

#3 Adulting (the Q2 list)

• Do taxes (done!)
• Get rid of the garage fridge
• Clean off and take the table in the garage back to the front door
• Take garage stuff from work back to work
• Take garage stuff that needs to go to goodwill to goodwill
• Clean out the shelves in my office.
• Clean out the under the counter weird stuff (done)
• and the shelf where the cat food is and just has random junk
• Get the new lights put up (done)
• Call ABC on the thing falling down outside (done!)
• Sell our old garmin watches
• Hang pictures that are in frames
• house painting (this is a biggie, I call this a bonus)

It looks a little sad right now but see the travel schedule. 🙂 I think if we put our minds to it, we can make a big dent in this over the next month without too many obligations. I keep putting off the “cat food shelf” and its random junk and I should like, go do that right now.

#4 Hobby/Fun Stuff

Travels first:

• Camping weekend in April – two!
• Vegas/St George in May – back!
• Possible camping or long weekend trip in June? – no, probably staying home
• Krause Springs camping in July – booked – 4 nights
• Italy/Greek Isles cruise in August OR extended work from camper traveling north to cooler weather (depending on work stuff) <- neither – the EU work trip is happening BUT I think we’re going to do a hut-to-hut hike instead! Stay tuned.
• Kerrville camping in September for the race – booking soon!
• Not sure if anything for Q4 – maybe one camping trip but probably nothing epic.

Now hobbies:

• PHOTO EDITING: Krause 2025 done, now working on New Braunfels 2025 and continuing on all the shorter 2025 projects to get caught up.
• WRITING: Besides participating in the Discord to continue the story (which counts! sort of…) I haven’t touched the backlog. I should be doing that right now but productive procrastination is in effect.
• PAINTING: I painted a mother’s day flower for my mom. Um, yeah. The canvas still is untouched.
• GUITAR: I’ve enjoyed playing a little bit but it hasn’t become a habit. I really could use the 5-minute breaks to destress. Maybe that’s a sub goal for June?
• WALKO TACO – it’s way too hot. Officially fall.
• MORE GAMES WITH JOEL: we have both been super hard into our books and other hobbies. Maybe soon!

#5 Work Life Balance

I talked a lot about this earlier, but it’s figuring out how to care deeply without carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders without an off switch. Still in progress. Probably will always be until I retire!

And on that note, either going to write or clean out the cat food shelf because obv I didn’t actually get up and do it. 🙂 Until next time!

I pride myself on being able to do difficult things. I mean, I haven’t climbed Everest or jumped out of a plane or actually faced all the wonderful and terrible truths about everything bouncing around in my head, but I can suffer. I can endure. I can feel the fear and do it anyway.

I can suffer. I can endure. On one hand, it makes me do cool things like Ironman, like a 50k trail race, like laying it all out on the line and screaming past people on the bike while my legs and lungs are redlining. On the other, I know that I absolutely shut down after 12 miles on the run if I don’t have any food or water. Ask me how I know. Or don’t. You can probably guess. I can in one breath acknowledge that fasted workouts are not the flex we think they are and in the other breath continue to be the idiot that did them. Over and over.

See, I had this weird worry about being “soft”. Like, all suffering is practice suffering. Whether it’s sprints on the bike or racing or just slogging through a day where I got poor sleep, feel awful, and feel like I’m running through a gauntlet being hit by cannonballs at work. To suffer is to know suffering, and to suffer better in the future. This is true in some regards. I can definitely pull some strength from the memory of having to fight through the last six miles of the Ironman marathon with my knees giving out and blisters the size of my entire feet. A challenging problem at work? I got this.

It’s a fine idea until you get stuck in fight or flight continuously due to the fact that stress is stress is stress, no matter where it’s come from. I’ve found myself there a lot in the last few years. You know, that place where there is nothing currently wrong, you should be happy and relaxed, but your nervous system will just not stand down.

“Self, it is Sunday, it’s gorgeous outside, we went for a lovely walk, had a nice home cooked brunch, we get the whole day to be productive and relax.”

“But, have you considered this,” says Self, “how it’s already 1pm, and there’s so much more you want to do. And you can be productive, or relax, but not both, ha ha, there’s not enough time, there’s never enough time! Instead, why don’t you check that Facebook notification so you can do neither relax NOR be productive, and after that, let’s pencil in some time to stress about all the things you should be doing but now have no time or energy to do, and let’s pre-stress about next week, and last week. Gosh, why can’t you just relax and get it together, look at you, it’s been over a week since you got home from your trip and the scale is still up and the rest of your health stats are just getting back to normal and you’re never going to make any progress at anything and at this point it’s because you can’t relax right so just relax, already!”

0_o

There’s suffering, and there’s suffering. I’ve worried in the past that not exposing myself to things that challenge me on a regular basis would leave me “soft” – as in retreating into my comfort zone, unwilling to push my boundaries, not striving to improve and be better. I’ve learned this year so far that too much exposure is making me brittle, which is not the result I’m going for. Right now, I’m in the infancy of establishing some good habits, and breaking down some bad ones. Some of these habits I’ve been at longer in my life than I have not. It takes dedication, habit, routine, and constant vigilance. But, it also takes accepting that some of the suffering I’ve put myself through – maybe has been character building – but I think I’m in the era where my character is built enough for a bit.

I’m so good at suffering that I almost didn’t notice it anymore. Slogging through days became the norm – either with lack of sleep, hunger, workout wasted, or sometimes hungover. Suffering made me used to suffering until it made me brittle, and lately I have indeed become brittle.

Instead, I want to be resilient, and that means less unintentional suffering. Simply put – push my limits when it matters, don’t be a dumb@$$ and push them all the time for no good reason. Take the advice I’d give to anyone else. It’s great to have the capability to push on through anything, but don’t use it all up on stupid stuff. You don’t have to try to be super-human every moment of every day.

Joel sent me this article, and it hit.

https://siliconcanals.com/sc-a-people-who-were-taught-that-rest-is-laziness-dont-struggle-with-productivity-they-struggle-with-the-terrifying-blankness-of-an-afternoon-with-nothing-to-prove-because-their-nervous-system-reads-s/

Yeah. One of the reasons I have issues standing down is that I do not allow myself any free time.

Ignoring work, training, regular chores, adulting, social stuff, and sleep, I admittedly still do have some time in the day. If I had to estimate, maybe 1-3 hours on weekdays, and usually about a half day one weekend day. This is where I fit all the creating, projects, or relaxing. And because this almost always comes after the obligations, I end up often not having the spoons for it. The other stuff takes most of it. So, I’m left – at best, hyper scheduling and optimizing the time I have to accomplish the most possible things, and at worst, I try and fail to be productive, berate myself for it, and get in that fun place where I’m neither relaxed nor productive.

Occasionally we’ll schedule relax days, usually on the rare weekend we have fully free – which is great, because I’ll get one day to relax, and one day to be productive. But those don’t happen too often. It’s usually one day social, one day productive (and then I cruise into Monday going, “when do I get to relax?”) or one day social, one day relax (and then I cruise into Monday going, “crap, I’m getting behind on writing/photos/etc). And of course, if I had too many days of just productive/relax, I start getting cabin fever and want to go be social. Three day weekends all the time would be ideal, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

So, because every moment of every day needs to be either the most optimized it can be, or actively walled off as “relaxing” – which is really time that I would like to be productive but I know I need to recharge so later I can be productive. Aggressive recovery.

So, the idea of just sitting somewhere quietly for any amount of time sounds absolutely crazy to me.

This is why I need to challenge myself with it.

In April, I am going to take 5 minutes a day just to sit somewhere (outside preferred) and be present in my surroundings. Not think through problems, not plan and strategize, but just sit and notice things. I’m missing that skill right now. It feels important. I think it could help my resilience. I think, really, this is where my year is building towards – becoming more resilient instead of brittle. I’ll take this as a mantra going into Q2 here.

My cat is really liking this because she gets an outdoor buddy for a while. So far, I have noticed that one of my rainbow lights is stuck on red, and one of my trees didn’t make it through the winter and the other one that fell on the house last year – I have no idea how it hasn’t fallen over the other way with how lopsided it is. I found it interesting how many vents the new camper has. It’s also very nice that this is now one of those things that just reliably sends my stress levels wherever they are directly to “rest” on the garmin. It’s still weird, and it’s still not super peaceful, but it’s at least training my brain not to plot and scheme and overthink and plan every waking moment.

“Sometimes, I sits and thinks. Sometimes I just sits.” <- my goal is to be able to do both.

As a sub-goal for April, another 5 minutes of each day I’d like to spend in a way that better contributes to my health and wellbeing – I want to either stretch or roll daily. I have been neglecting my recovery and would like to make it a habit again. For resilience. It hasn’t become a problem yet and I’d like to stop it before it does.

Looking back on Q1:

January’s new way of managing my diet and not drinking much has definitely helped me in this quest. I’m frustrated because March was simply one whole month of scale noise with the trip, and then stabilizing from that trip for way longer than I hoped and expected (just now starting to make progress again FOUR WEEKS LATER), but I succeeded in a few ways, even if they don’t feel like success right now.

• My baseline of normal is so much higher than it was before. I treat myself better so when I spent a week with high activity, no downtime, 100% restaurant food, more drinks than normal multiple days in a row, bad sleep, and other stress – it hit me hard.
• I spent a week traveling and I ate pretty consistently because I kept on top of protein. My hungries were usually REALLY bad during travel. I definitely ate different than normal but I never felt like a bottomless pit.
• My mood and patience around food, and in general, are so much better. Case in point – we stood in line to get a sandwich for an hour. In the past, I would have probably noped out or at least spent the entire time having revenge fantasies in my head with the hangries. This time, I was reasonably fine because my hunger is pretty regulated right now. My body trusts it will get fed when it needs to be fed, so a delay in mealtime isn’t an emergency anymore. That’s pretty cool.

February was about managing work scheduling and stress, and I made such great strides! Not every day was perfect, but I found that keeping a tight to do list with specific blocks of time for specific tasks really helps me. The personal equivalent of doomscrolling for me at work is just getting lost in correspondence for hours at a time and relegating that to specific windows has helped me actually be able to focus, and get focused work done more often. I really thought I had my ish together.

And then all that went out the window after a week out of town. My Monday was absolute chaos. The rest of the week, even with fewer meetings than normal, was still less productive than before. It reinforced the same thing I’ve been noticing with my diet and other things – simply put – “how did I operate this way before?”. And then again when a big project with a fluctuating goal and deadline (my worst nightmare) ate my work-life for almost two weeks end of March until now. I felt so unfocused and unproductive and flaily. It reinforced my need for the things I’ve been doing-

• Aggressive to-do listing. Like, if it’s on a list with progress, next steps, and a due date, I worry about 90% less about it.
• Blocking off my time for specific purpose. If I know what I’m supposed to be doing at a certain time, I don’t flail trying to figuring that out and wasting time.
• Also, if I plan against the rest of my day, I have proper expectations. For example, if I have 930-3pm with back-to-back meetings, there’s almost no chance I’m going to be ready to dip into deep creative focused work at 3pm. There’s too much noise, residual stress, things to place, and followups. I have to make time for focus blocks.
• I was getting good at adhering to this with teams/email open before these two disruptions, but they proved I can’t always do that, so I’ve had to be stricter. Teams closed unless I’m in meetings or in correspondence windows. I even had to mark myself as offline for focused work for DAYS to meet a deadline but it was effective and I made it.

March was two very minor habits, since January’s and February’s experiments were pretty big deals – taking some deep breaths at night or in the morning to calm the fight or flight, and flossing daily. I wasn’t perfect on either, but both are budding baby habits now. I like to floss before I go to bed, so I now keep floss picks on my side of the bed. I’ve been trying to do the deep breaths between waking and getting up, but I’m thinking it might be better to do it between getting comfy in bed and before I start reading to be super relaxed.

So yeah, here we are. April. Let’s knock down some goals, shall we?

#1 My Meatbag and Me – Here’s where I started and where I’m at now.

The hump looks dramatic, but it was 0.5 lbs up from my low March 6 (and I’m now 0.3 up, so at least trending the right direction). Nothing changes here. I’m going to keep following the plan, and if I had any tweaks it would be: a) be meticulous about my food logging and b) try to figure out future traveling strategies that don’t throw me into chaos for a whole ass month after.

#2 Sporty Stuffs – mostly just supporting #1 above. I’ve been taking March/early April a little lighter in terms of structured workouts, but soon I want to set up a run plan like the bike one I was following.

#3 Adulting – Here’s my progress from my winter to do list:

• Get set up and going with the financial advisor people – DONE! (well, there’s still things to do but they are handling it and telling us what to do so…)
• Finish cleaning out the garage – LOL NO let’s move on. I guess we did put Christmas up in the attack. So, yeah, a little progress!
• Get my hair done before my birthday/travel – yes! and I am going to do this on the regular. I feel so much better about myself when my hair is all one color.
• Do the big scary adulting project I’m trying to put into place at work – it’s happening! …and another way bigger, scarier one. So there.
• BONUS: clean out the shelves in the back of my office. – no bonus for me.

I can also add one major thing: with a very quick turnaround and with much ado, clean up, trade in, and get a new camper. Didn’t mean to do this one so quickly, but we found the perfect one on sale, so we jumped on it.

Q2… Joel made us an official FRIDGE LIST. So, it’s really real. And kind of in reasonable sized chunks so maybe we’ll do some of it

• Do taxes (done!)
• Get rid of the garage fridge
• Clean off and take the table in the garage back to the front door
• Take garage stuff from work back to work
• Take garage stuff that needs to go to goodwill to goodwill
• Clean out the shelves in my office.
• Clean out the under the counter weird stuff and the shelf where the cat food is and just has random junk
• Get the new lights put up
• Call ABC on the thing falling down outside
• Sell our old garmin watches
• Hang pictures that are in frames
• house painting (this is a biggie, I call this a bonus)

#4 Fun Stuff! 

Travel plans still holding, mostly –

• San Francisco in March – done! super fun!
• Camping weekend in April – two! one enjoyed, second booked!
• Vegas/St George in May – booked!
• Possible camping or long weekend trip in June?
• Krause Springs camping in July – definitely happening
• Italy/Greek Isles cruise in August OR extended work from camper traveling north to cooler weather (depending on work stuff)
• Kerrville camping in September for the race

And, hobby stuff:

• PHOTO EDITING: Seattle was the Q1 goal and is now DONE! Now in Q2, I’m going to work on all the other little projects I have. Going in size or date order, whichever makes sense. Started on Krause 2025 already!
• WRITING: I got caught up… and behind again. I really do go through phases here. April may be a good time for me to make a push here to get caught up again.
• PAINTING: I put some paint on a canvas… and then I’ve been giving it the side eye. I’m going to take it camping with me next time. After a day or two in the woods, I get patience and clarity, so maybe that will help. HOWEVER!!! I painted a whole Bloodbowl team camping last weekend. That was fun. I still need to do a bunch of fiddly bits but it was really nice just to get sucked into a project.
• GUITAR: just finally back from the shop. Goal is to play at least a few songs 3 days a week, and it feels really nice to play so this shouldn’t hopefully be too hard.
• WALKO TACO – oops. We said at least one in 2026, and the weather has just been crazy. Maybe in April, maybe in fall.
• MORE GAMES WITH JOEL: not really. We’ve been doing more TV lately, and that’s okay. But – see above. We did play a whole Bloodbowl game. That’s progress!

#5 Work Life Balance

I talked a lot about this, so I shall keep this short. The February experiment is really helping me here, and there’s been some major challenges with this lately… but I’m doing my best. Making sure things are listed, scheduled, placed, and that I give myself some focus time in the chaos is important and truly helping. So, like, just keep on keeping on with this.

And yeah… keeping with the experiments. Doing all the things. Keeping the stress low and the stoke high. Let’s go April.

Today, I am 47.

It’s one of those weird ages I’ve looked forward to for a while, as it’s the peak of adult unhappiness. Paraphrasing an article I can’t be arsed to google, at 47 you transition from angst and desire from what you haven’t accomplished and becoming okay with what you have. You go from big dreams to… achievable dreams. You expect a little less of yourself. And, while those words are even still hard for me to type, my ego wanting to lash out at them, it’s kind of true. And it’s kind of GOOD.

You see, I put humanity in two buckets. There’s everyone else – to whom I give almost endless grace, align my expectations with reason and reality, and while I’m not my husband, I’m a pretty decent cheerleader. Then there’s me regarding me – unrealistic perfectionism standards, all tough love all the time, and always pushing myself to be more more more more. If someone else was injured or sick, I’d tell them to rest and recover. When I was injured or sick or otherwise malfunctioning, I was calculating how far I could still push myself. My pride, she’s a doozy.

Here’s a non-sequitur, but it will come back around, I promise. I know that there’s mixed sentiment on AI, but since, like, that’s the way things are going, I didn’t want to be left behind. I wanted to learn what the heck ChatGPT was all about, besides a slightly more sophisticated google search. So, I decided to try and use it for a nutrition plan. Again, I would not suggest this of anyone else, but I am doing this because I have the decades of research and certifications (this was my backup if game dev ever went south) in sports nutrition, and I know exactly what to do. My two-bucket system was just blinding me. I would never tell a hypothetical client to eat the way I did, but for some reason, I kept getting stricter and stricter on myself because I wasn’t losing weight, and the fact that I just kept feeling worse and worse just didn’t really register. If I wasn’t making more progress, I wasn’t miserable enough. I was hungry, but I could tolerate being hungrier to make progress, right? My body just operated differently, I thought.

Enter ChatGPT – who told me to eat more and gave me flexibility and grace in my eating plan. I was super hesitant, but figured what I was doing wasn’t working, so I might as well try something completely different. Adding 50% more protein to my diet and fueling my workouts better felt like a light switch flipped on. I went from eternal, unyielding hunger to feeling like a human again. The first few weeks the weight loss was slow and inconsistent, but I told ChatGPT in one of my daily check ins that even if I didn’t lose any more weight, I wanted to stick with this because I just felt so good. There’s a stability and evenness in my body and demeanor that wasn’t there before, and that’s worth everything.

And, also, it’s working. Very slowly, but it’s working. I track 7-day rolling average weight to eliminate scale noise, and I am down 3.3 lbs in the last two months. That sounds like nothing to most people, but my body sheds weight like it’s being asked to give away sentimental treasured heirlooms (not easily), so this is huge progress for me. And I feel awesome. And this plan is so doable. Eat enough protein. Fuel the workouts. Don’t be a complete @#$ with the rest of the day. That’s pretty much it.

Another helpful thing is that I have had fewer drinks in 2026 than I have fingers and toes. Dry January was enlightening – I thought I really really liked whiskey, like, it was part of my identity, but it was really just something that I did. A habit, if you will. In 2026, I find myself having more enjoyable days, and more usable hours in the day having alcohol be much more of a “sometimes food”. But, Friday, we had pizza and whiskey as an early birthday celebration, and I really enjoyed that too (after 2 weeks of not). It took that month of abstaining, but I’m feeling good having reframed the habit to more of a celebratory thing.

Then, I looked to how scattered I felt at work. Honestly, I started that particular ChatGPT thread to explore cognitive behavioral therapy for better sleep, but talking through it, it was mostly the fact that I was having trouble standing down after I signed off work for the day, so it morphed into work time management strategies.

Yet again, I realized I was operating under the 2-bucket theory. I would never expect an employee of mine to endure 4-6 hours of back to back meetings, some emotionally charged/emotionally draining, and immediately and seamlessly context switch into deep focus work. Or do that in 30-minute chunks between meetings. Or be able to fully multitask immediate correspondence and deep focus at the same time. But – yet again – the grace I would give others wasn’t anything I was giving myself.

I started putting in my to do list and meeting schedule, and it would spit out a schedule for the rest of my day. It took a while to trust it. But I’m starting to become a believer as it took me through a very busy Feb with much less stress and chaos than normal.

The first thing I had to break myself of was that just because there was a message didn’t mean I had to read it, and just because I read it, didn’t mean I had to respond right away. The quote it gave me stuck in my head – “I am available, I am not on call.” Dang. That hit. I was operating every moment of every workday like I was on call. No wonder why I had no focus.

I also have learned to expect different amounts of focus on different days. On days where I am meeting heavy, we plan no deep focus blocks. Some days are just about “containment and capture” – that is, making sure everything that happens is documented and placed on a list somewhere. It’s helped talk me down on days where things didn’t go as planned – “Ok, breathe.” – it has told me this more than once debriefing my day. It’s helped me structure my Mondays and Fridays where I have fewer or no meetings to be focus days where I don’t end them just absolutely spent (well, sometimes).

I also remembered that I work very well with aggressive To Do listing and have gone back to that at work. If I have things written down and next steps placed, it doesn’t (often) bang around in my head after work and at night and I can hit the ground running, not flailing.

This is yet another place where giving myself a little grace and setting realistic expectations is helping me be a better person. ChatGPT helping me be kinder to myself was not on my 2026 bingo card, but here we are, and I am here for it.

This 2026, this year of experiments, is working out rather nicely so far. I started the year with some big ones, so for March, I picked two little microhabits I want to do better – flossing every day and taking 10 deep breaths before I go to sleep and before I get out of bed in the morning. I figure even with a week travel and birthday shenanigans all month, this is doable.

I always say when asked what I want for a present (birthday, Christmas, etc) is that I’d like to lose 20 lbs and have a few extra hours in each day. So, this year, this is the gift I’m trying to give to myself, or at least baby steps towards it.

I also see 2026 as the year of seeing new sights. Besides San Francisco (not new, but we’re going new places!), we have the opportunity to go to Vegas for a trade show. Vegas is nothing new either, but we’re taking a few days before to hike the Valley of Fire and Zion National Park – bucket list hikes. I have my eye on new countries in EU this year if I get to go as well. We also got our new camper, which means true weekend trips (Fri nite -Sun) are back on the menu to check out some nearby Texas State Parks and longer trips (with a stop or two overnight to get to the destination) are possible too, since the transition time between camping and traveling will be SO much less now – we just stow things and go, not put our RV through a full pop up/down transformation.

I’m really excited for this year – while I’m sure it will throw me a bunch of curveballs I don’t expect, I’m setting up a foundation to handle them with much more flexibility than I have before. And for a recovering perfectionist, that feels pretty great.

And while I said today is my birthday, it’s really not. As has become normal, I woke up before dawn, had some coffee, worked out, had most of my day as meetings, and now we are going to walk and get dinner, but, I’m going to go ahead and reschedule my actual birthday for this weekend, when I get to go play. So, I guess I’m still 46 for a bit. Maybe that’s why I’m still pretty happy. I’ll report back soon. 🙂