Adjusted Reality

And then, after yesterday’s mope session, I found this site surfing through blogs.  Besides being in your face, bluntly honest, and truthful, it reminded me of something important.

I used to weigh 265 lbs.  I don’t think I’ve posted one of my worst pictures yet on here, so let me refrain from better judgment and go ahead and paste more fat pictures of myself around the internet.

It’s hard to remember a typical day but let me go ahead and try.  I would wake up in the morning, tired as all get out, because I snored really badly and didn’t sleep well.  My back and ankles and knees often hurt.  I would look in the mirror and not really recognize who was there.  I’d grab a huge energy drink and drag myself off to work.  People knew not to really bug me until after lunch because I was barely coherent (which wasn’t at all a detriment to my job, because I worked until ungodly hours of the night to make up for it).  I’d duck out of the office around noon STARVING because I hadn’t eaten yet, and ingest typically 1000+ calorie lunches that made me sleepy.  I’d work the rest of the afternoon into the night, drinking coffee and caffeinated diet soda all day to keep me going and ingesting another 1000+ calorie infusion around dinner time, plus a drink or 3 or 10 almost nightly while playing games/working from home/watching TV.  A successful weekend was one where I didn’t leave the house or have to get dressed.

Just plodding around on my feet was tiring.  I didn’t like doing anything active because it was just exhausting.  I missed out on a lot of awesome San Diego things simply because I was too fat and lazy to enjoy them.   The only exercise I really enjoyed was DDR, because I could do it in my “uniform” (skirt and tank top).  Changing into pants to go to the gym or walk around was uncomfortable.  I enjoyed cruise vacations because everything else involved too much walking.  I didn’t want to admit it, but my life was governed by the fact that I wasn’t in great shape.  I had convinced myself I had just grown out of enjoying physically active things, but the truth was, they were just painful and scary because I was so big.

I went between wanting to change (and falling asleep crying because I felt so powerless) and deciding I didn’t care, I was going to put my career first and deal with it later, but I was never HAPPY with my appearance.  I’d have my feeling cute days, but they were few and far between.  I tried a few times, but nothing ever stuck.  I didn’t approach it sensibly, with the attitude that I had to have a whole mental paradigm shift.  I would decide it was salads and celery for me, and back to the gym I went.  It would last for a few days and I’d be so sick of it and have a bad day and eat a cheeseburger and fries and skip the gym and then get so guilt ridden and angry at myself that I was weak and didn’t deserve to be skinny and just give up.

The Anti-Jared said that the movie Click brought him to tears.  It also elicited a very emotional response, that while it wasn’t tied to my weight per se, it did start me moving in the right direction and headspace to move away from 100% focus on work to actually tending to other aspects of my life.  I try to make sure I have fun and eventful things to do often enough that I don’t feel like I’m fast forwarding to some cool thing in the future.  I can list at least a half dozen things I did in the last week that weren’t “just what I do every night”.  We used to have to really try to do one of those a month.  Not weight-related again per se, but it’s easier to go to dance lessons and roller skating and biking and swimming when you’re in shape.

Now, this is how I roll.  Small difference in 2.5 years, eh?

Yeah, so I might have indulged a little bit this weekend.  Yeah, the scale might have shown a scary number yesterday.  Yeah, I might be a little angry at myself for twisting my ankle so I have to lay off the poundypoundy.  However, I am no longer obese.  This body has taken me through a 13.1 mile race (as well as other shorter faster ones).  It can skate and climb and dance and bike and swim and springboard dive and – well, other things I’m sure I have yet to try and can’t wait to discover.  It has energy for days and days.  I can walk into any store and pick something up and it will fit me.  I look hot in a wedding dress (and even a REAL wedding dress, which I had no confidence in at all), which was the first motivation behind starting the weight loss THEN and having a goal.  I was not going to bother having a wedding if I looked fat in all the pictures.

So the last 15-20 lbs – it will come off when it’s time.  I’m feeling a bit like I did during those times when I had all those false starts before 2007, but it’s different.  This weight is not effecting my quality of life, it’s totally vanity (unless my doctor tells me to lose weight, I don’t think being less than 5 lbs overweight by BMI is a big deal).  Also, I’m not giving in like I have in the past.  How can I?  I can either continue to eat the way I do and maintain my weight which does not suck at all, or I can give a little extra and start chipping away.  Giving up before meant going back to living the way I did, and that isn’t gonna happen.

These are all the thoughts I had last night, and after a nice, healthy day of eating under my belt and a good night’s sleep, I woke up to 153.4.  Not my low weight, yeah, but somehow my body saw fit to shed 3.4 lbs.  I’ll take it, and continue to see what progress I can make with the rest of my week.  I’m sure I’ll get crazy again in the future, but it’s always nice to be reminded how far I’ve come, because it puts into perspective how little I have left to go, and how much less significant it is to even get there.

Since the race, I’ve been very… moody about my physique. Since I’m not currently pursuing a higher goal, I’ve found that I’ve fallen back on being critical about my progress (or lack thereof) with weight loss. People keep giving me the eye roll when I talk about it IRL, because apparently I’m not chunky enough to worry about it, or something, but the truth is – I really want to finish what I’ve started. I’m almost there. It’s not even the number on the scale, because if 150 meant looking in the mirror and not seeing that damn stomach pooch, I would be all about it. I’ve never been attached to a specific number, but a specific image. Maybe not even an image but a feeling…

The odd thing is I’ve never been my current goal weight (135), not that I can remember at least. I pretty much gained about 25 lbs overnight when I quit gymnastics. And I was pretty happy there until it became 35 then 50 then 100 then 125. However, 150 then had a lot less tummy than 150 now. And (for better or for worse) much less shoulders/chest. Legs – still hot. Arms – probably look better now. Neck – still never gonna be one of those elegant swan necks, but at least looks strong and powerful. Chin – single. I am aware that I have many great physical assets, even at my weight now. But it’s the jiggly tummy bits and the overall size of my top half that drives me bonkers.

The thing that’s also driving me bonkers is the damn weight just doesn’t want to come off. Actually, that’s unfair. I am finding myself unwilling to make the effort and sacrifices to make the weight come off. Well, ok, it’s a combination of a lot of things. I do not understand how an average of 1500-1600 calories per day + 3000-4000 calories burnt per week is not resulting in any loss whatsoever. I do not understand how 2 days of controlled indulgence (aka, not more than normal) made me gain 4.8 lbs this weekend, topping out at a ridiculous 156.8 lbs this morning.  What I do understand is it’s NOT, so I need to do more (or really in this case, do less eating). I know I lose at 1200-1300 calories a day, at least for a while. However, I am MISERABLE doing it, and it doesn’t feel right. I can push through miserable for a while, but at what cost?

The other avenue I’m considering is shaking up my food intake in another way – trying the whole “clean eating” thing for a while. Or giving up bad carbs. Or whatever else is out there that supposedly makes people lose weight. I don’t want to. I’ve been very happy that I’ve been able to successfully lose weight without being a social reject about it, and just watching my portions. However, something is not working anymore with that, and I gotta figure out what to do about it. Or not. I guess I could stay in this limbo here where I’m healthy but not completely happy, and forever chase that last 15 lbs. But the whole point was to finish, be done, and then for once in my life not want to lose weight.

The good news is that I had a fantastic moment of feeling comfortable in my skin this weekend. On the 4th we were at a BBQ and we were clued in that there would be a kiddie pool, so I brought my suit just in case. It was 101 degrees outside that day, so near the peak hot point of the day, I decided to put my feet in. Then, that felt way too good so I put on my suit and put my whole body in. When I got out, I just didn’t feel like changing out of it. I spent the whole day and most of the evening in my suit. With a pretty decent size group of friends. I was pretty proud of myself there – I never shied away from the water and swimsuits even when I was heavy, but there was no unnecessary lounging – after getting out, I would change right away. I mean, it was a one piece, it’s a long road to do that in a bikini, if ever, but it was a major step.

Then, after a great day, I went and twisted my ankle. I was being dumb walking home and spinning around in the street and tripped (alcohol may have been involved) and now if I know what’s good for me, no running or DDR for a few days to a week. Which is also not helping any of these image/mental issues at all. So this weekend was the best of times, and the worst of times. I just need to sort out in my head where I want to be, and what I am willing to give up to get there.

Whether you’re outside, grillin’ up a storm and blowing shit up, or inside beating the heat and chillaxin’, hope you are having a great birthday celebration for this here country of ours.  If you are outside the US, hope you are having a loverly Saturday!  Personally, we’re heading out soon to enjoy some potluck bbq action with our friends (look for a really yummy recipe post next week!), getting out the kiddie pool and the sprinklers and going all ghetto to stay cool (except the tarp-as-a-slip-and-slide idea got nixed, something about alcohol and slip and slide = death) and looking forward to setting off the 3 foot sparklers later…

I will leave you with this little ditty – enjoy and be safe!

…gonna be ok, da da do do, just dance…spin that record babe, da da do do, just-

If you don’t recognize, don’t worry.  If you got the song in your head too, then I say *muahahahaha*.

Anyhoo, so the proverbial cat is out of the bag.  The super secret July plan is a dance “cramming session” so we can look swanky at it by wedding time.  By the end of the month, I wish to be able to twirly twirly twirl around the dance floor with my Zliten with ease.  The styles offered are Salsa, Lindy and Swing, Two Step, Jitterbug Swing, Cha Cha, West Coast Swing, Bachata,  Club Style Triple Two Step, East Coast Swing, and Argentine Tango (which is what we most want to learn, but only offered at their studios on the other side of town this month.  Boo!).  They also offer yoga twice a week at noon and zumba toning and fitness classes as well – which I have always wanted to try!  Since we have purchased the all-you-can-eat-buffet of dance classes this month, the goal is to hit up as many as humanly possible and figure out what we like and want to expand upon.

Last night, we jumped right in with West Coast Swing, which the instructor said was one of the hardest dances to start with.  Hooray!  The instructor was great and first got us started with the steps – which honestly tripped me up, since I have a right/left issue (it was my only black mark in kindergarten) but got it down eventually.  Once we put the hands with the feet it started to make more sense and then once the music kicked in – well, we didn’t look like pros or anything, but we weren’t embarassing ourselves.  By the end at least.   We need practice, but that’s what makes perfect, right?

Tonight, we salsa!  We have taken a short little salsa lesson on a cruise before so the basics should be familiar, which is nice because we were so lost at the beginning of swing.  Honestly, I thought I’d be better at it, being in dance all my young life, but I have also not done much partner dance which is so very completely different.  I’m looking forward to learning to work with Zliten as a team, as I learn to let him lead and he learns to lead!  The nice thing is that we both had a blast yesterday, and thought the lesson went suuuuuper fast.  Time flies when you’re having fun!

Tomorrow, I have major workout endeavours planned – I am going to run to the gym, do a weights session, run to the dance studio, and then take a zumba class.  The smart thing of course would be to zumba first since I have no idea whether it will kick my ass or not, but I just can’t wait until noon to start this beast of a workout in the hot Austin sun.  We shall see.

I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going, but although it’s fun for us, it’s not exactly easy to describe the intricacies of each class.  Along with the classes, I am attempting to keep up morning workouts – the classes are activity, sure, but I can’t really call them a workout until we’re doing more dancing than stumbling around.  I had also wanted to get into some more heavy lifting, but that’s not going to be feasable with everything else going on since trying to get to the gym in the morning is pretty futile with my affinity with the snooze button.  Oh well, another month perhaps!  Wish us luck, grace, and not too many stepped-on-toes!

You know those days you can’t be buggered to cook anything?  It’s hot, standing over the stove sounds like the 7th circle of hell, and anything involving more than 10 minutes of prep isn’t gonna fly.  This is the perfect night for the buffalo chicken salad.

“But Quix”, you whine, “salads are so booooring.  And I’m huuuuuungry.  I want something filling.  Who just eats a salad for dinner?”  Have a little faith and give this one a try.  I guarantee the fiber and protien encased within the bowl will do you right.  First, get a bowl that looks more like it would serve a family size popcorn, or perhaps dish up potato salad at your next picnic.  This is your personal salad bowl.

Something like this.  However, do not actually attempt to ingest the bowl.  It does not end well.  However, this should give you a good idea of the size of the bowl.  Larger than your head is a good start.

The chicken part is up to you.  If you’re feeling splurgy, you can use some breaded chicken fingers or a chicken patty (nuke them for 1 minute, crisp them up in a pan, douse them in Frank’s Red Hot, and then chop up).  If you had already had a mexican fiesta earlier that day like moi, then you’re going for grilled chicken.  It can be pre-cooked or leftover or whatever, but what we did (and it was delicious) was thawed chicken breasts, pounded them out with a mallet nice and flat, marinated the chi-boob-lies (the slightly vulgar term we came up with for chicken breasts) in a mess of Frank’s, and then grilled them on good ol’ George Forman.  Not the man, but the grill.  The most important part to make it a BUFFALO chicken salad is it needs to be good and dripping in hot sauce.

Then, to the salad part.  The ingredients we had worked well, but it was mostly a matter of playing “what’s in the vegetable drawer?”.  Just be careful shredding baby carrots or you’ll get an owwie.

It looks much worse today, I promise.   To those of you who actually eat at my house, I will say I found it and removed it from the food.  To the rest of you I will admit that I’m not sure where the skin went but… more protien I say!  Anyhoo, the particular concoction I came up with was:

About half a head of romaine lettuce

A quarter of a gigantic cucumber

Half a roma tomato

Enough onion to look like a lot but not *too* much

Half a small green pepper

6 shredded baby carrots

A stalk and a half of celery

A bunch of snap peas that got sacrificed as a “pre-dinner snack” and never made it into the bowl.

About 1/3 of a small can of black olives

A couple pinches of blue cheese crumbles

A nice sprinkling of bacon bits

We topped the salads with a small chicken breast each, and proceeded to drizzle with light ranch.  Now, this is up to you, but fat free ranch makes my tongue start to riot, full fat ranch makes my jeans start to pop, light is a compromise – get it in the refrigerator section if you can.  I think they are superior to the Krafts and store brands for creamy dressings.  Also, because we are affecionados of anything spicy, more Frank’s went on top.

This was Zliten’s as he is as they say a “hater” and cannot stomach cucumbers and tomatoes.

Here is mine in all it’s glory, seconds before it took the express train to mah belly.  The awesome thing with this is I think it clocked in at 400 calories and was suuuuuper filling.  You can also easily add more veggies of your choosing, and make it even more grandiose and awesome.  You can of course remove such things as the olives, bacon, blue cheese, and change out the dressing to make it ridiculously lo-cal, but seriously, it’s a different salad then.  A little bit of the indulgent stuff is what makes this a meal and not a “ok, what next to devour in the pantry” snack.  If you’re not feeling the salad, you can roll this up into a wrap just as easy, which we like just fine as well.