Usually, fitsugar.com is a bit “Fitness Mag” for me, so I don’t really pay much attention, but this article caught my eye for some reason.
Mariska Hargitay is not someone I’ve heard of before, but for those of you unhip as I am, she is an actress. She looks fabulous. She does not look like the token big girl in a sea of skinny women, she fits right in (you know what I mean, right? Like the cheerleading captain in High School Musical who is obviously not FAT, but looks a little out of place?). She does not look waifish, but she looks slim, sexy, confident, powerful, and strong. This woman does not need to lose any weight. This woman looks like she belongs in the business.
She is a size 8. I am a size 8. I think she’s a little hippier where I’m a little heavier on top – she’s a pear to my inverted triangle. And I’m jealous to hell of her jaw definition, but I think I beat her in the sexy legs contests.
Like, she is really and truly my size. I flit between a 6 in some brands to a 10 in others. My go to size is 8 for jeans. My go to size for shirts is medium (which is generally – 6/8). And this hot looking t.v. star does the same thing. Well, all things considered she probably doesn’t shop in thrift stores but it’s the size that matters here. Oddly enough the lack of ability to walk into a super upscale store and shop matters way less to me as I get older. Priorities, I guess.
Sadly, this is huge to me – the size thing. I have a minor in theatre. I might have majored in it, but I didn’t figure it would be terribly good at making me any money (not like my psych degree did any good, but I was young and naive). I always dreamed of running off to LA after college and making a go of trying to get into acting.
But I never got the leads in college. Those always went to the skinny girls. I was convinced that to succeed in theatre, I needed to lose weight. Not develop my acting, not get better at auditioning, not expose myself to more plays – but lose weight. I believed that was the only thing standing between me and success. I’d typically audition fairly mundanely, get a bit part, and directors found that I was actually pretty talented (sorta), I’d get picked for the featured bit parts. My shining moment was being able to do 6 bit parts for a weird adaptation of A Clockwork Orange where I got to sing on stage as well as eat a pot pie (not at the same time, that would have been TRULY a feat). I also had some really cool main parts, but they were for class performances where they HAD to cast me as SOMETHING. One of these parts included my one and only stage kiss, which is WAY less hot then it sounds.
Although I had fun with my short lived college theatre career, I always felt like I had to be something that felt unattainable to succeed. I mean, as a full time student with a part time job also doing theatre rehearsals, it didn’t leave much time to eat healthy and exercise. I kept active by running around campus and taking some aerobics/dance classes for credit, and occasionally making it to the fitness center, but I ate ABHORRENTLY. Either way too much of the wrong things (a denny’s club sandwich with french fries and ranch was a lite dinner, which NOW I know is about 1200 calories), or way too little of the wrong things (hello, living for a week on 3 boxes of crackers, coffee, and dayquil).
Now, I’m about 20-50 lbs lighter than I was back then, have tackled a lot of inadequacy issues, and feel a lot more comfortable getting up in front of people and saying and doing shit. But I still have those few requirements in my head about when I am DONE losing weight. One of them is to feel adequate in any situation that’s reasonable. At my current weight, I did not feel as if I was there – partly because I didn’t feel like leading lady material. Silly, I know, because I’m not doing theatre, but I HAVE thought about getting back to it. I don’t think I’m going to be gracing the Paris runways with my 5’5″ and muscular build anytime soon – but it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I might want to take up acting again. And I don’t want to ONLY get cast as the comic relief or the fat friend. Maybe I’m there, it’s just hard for me to see it.
I’ve been toying with trying to see myself as other people do. People call me little. I don’t feel little. I sure don’t see myself as a 265 lb person anymore, but I don’t feel little. Small. Someone that can be thrown over a shoulder. Someone that looks like one who participates in athletic endeavors. It’s tricky after so many years, but I’m working on it. And finding out I wear the same size as a pretty hawt looking actress is a big help.
Such a little thing, a number. But I gotta say, Mariska Hargitay, I didn’t know who you were before, but you certainly changed my perspective today. Maybe I should give your TV show a try?