Adjusted Reality

I’ve been holding onto this post for quite a while.  First of all, read this.  Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Jack Sh*t’s post here was great in it’s own right, but his one sentence stuck with me-

“Dropping the weight won’t necessarily make your life picture-perfect, but I’m willing to wager you a Ben Franklin that it’ll make your life better.”

This is very true on the surface.  I mean, I don’t have to wonder if the seat belt will fit riding in someone’s car or on a plane.  I don’t have to do the space check in booths to make sure I’ll fit.  Walking around is not painful (ok, sometimes RIGHT after really long or hard runs but that’s different).  I can do the walk and talk  hallway conversation thing at work and not get winded.  These are things that I sort of take for granted and used to be valid concerns of mine.  Like not having a face full of dirt for this guy.

However, losing weight will not make your life perfect.  Far from it.  I should have learned this the first time I placed all my anticipation eggs in one proverbial outcome basket, but it’s taken me many times to learn my lesson.

I’m sure I’ve been doing it all my life – but the first one I can really remember really well is beginning my relationship with Zliten.  I’ll save you the details (aka – I mean I’m saving HIM the airing of all our personal things), but this is how it happens… I figure out something I WANT.  Not just eh, I’d like to have this but WANT.  With ALL CAPS.  72pt font in blinking letters (and yes, I’ll spare you that too).  And when it occurred to me that he was the object of my want, the poor boy didn’t have a chance.   It’s that kind of patient, driven, focused WANT that even if it takes years and exploring the situation from a thousand angles and slow progress, I’m ok.  I’m not sure whether it was fate or the process of attrition that landed us together, but it certainly worked out well.

This is a stellar example of outcome one in these situations  – I get what I want.  The other option, which is not as awesome, is I get burnt out, bored, or distracted by another shiny.  Like when I decided that my mission in life was to get an expansion pack for the little-game-that-could I was working on.  I tried everything from working 100 hour weeks to threatening to camp out in the parking lot until they greenlit it to coming up with very creative and resource-lite plans… but unfortunately, it simply ended with failure, and I closed the door, took my ball (if by ball you mean the scraps that were left of my sanity), and went home.

I’ve since made peace that it was not my failure.  I’ve gone over the years many many times in my mind.  I gave 110% and they gave -20%, and that’s the only way the math didn’t add up.  I don’t fault the company, as it was their decision to make.  I definitely don’t fault the process as it was a great experience.  But it took me a while to be able to detach myself from it enough to see that, and not “just one example in Quix’s history of pursuits that didn’t quite make it”.  And then, the drinking heavily commences.  Awww, pumpkin, you need to know when to say when.

Then, my attention turned to my mid-section.  By the time I had one foot out the door, I had made up my mind that THIS was what was going to bring me happiness.  I was sick of people appreciating me for my creativity, my work ethic, and my brain – I wanted them to appreciate me for my body.  Not in the sexual way, of course, (besides Zliten) but just that horrible, stereotypical difference in between the way someone acts when some schlub enters the room, and an attractive, slim person walks in the room.

I was convinced that losing weight would give me that confidence to walk in and dominate a room.  That it would give me the ability to continue to soar up through the corporate ladder.  I would be able to walk into the boardroom, stand up, talk, be heard, and do it while wearing a fucking hot looking skirt suit, pointy heels, my nerd glasses on and my hair pulled high back into a tight bun with bright red lipstick.  No one would dispute me!  Everyone would bow before my hotness and confidence and I would RULE THE WORLD.

Yeah, honestly, I had visions of that.  Fast forward 3 years, and I have the hot little number pictured – I’ve actually worn it to work just randomly and had many compliments.  The thing that I’ve learned is getting the ONE THING you most want is simply not enough to make your life WONDERFUL FOREVER.  The way to establish confidence is to practice at it.  Going from fluffy to fit can honestly work against you.  Yeah, up here boys, those aren’t my eyes.  No, I’m not the cute little woman you think I am.  And so help me dear and fluffy lord, if you ask me to get you coffee, I will stick that heel so far up your…

Ok, getting carried away here.  But the moral of this story is… getting what you want is great.  My life would be very different without either Zliten or getting the job opportunities I did, and certainly if I was still carrying around another person on my frame.  Each decision, each fork in the road, each desire you fulfill or don’t fulfill absolutely makes a difference in what’s in store for you.  But each one of them is not the end all be all to reach happiness.  Your happiness is the accumulation of all these points (with the most recent ones weighted more heavily) applied to some sort of personal perception/mood/attitude filter.  I bet there is a way to apply a formula and calculate that.  That would be awesome.  And I am a nerd.

That being said – any ONE thing is probably not going to give you everlasting happiness.  When ALL I WANTED was a work promotion, and then I got it, I was amazingly happy for a while, then it settled to quality of life being better, but I was USED TO IT.  And then I wanted MORE.  I certainly remember being happy about no longer being a peon at work, and that’s great, but I’m not ecstatic about it because it is reality for me.  I was enthused about losing the weight while I was doing it, but now, I am THANKFUL I’m no longer 265 lbs, but I’m not overjoyed on a daily basis because – well, it’s life.  I can no longer really feel what it felt like to be so heavy as I can no longer really feel how it felt to feel so powerless at work.  At least I never knew how running from the police pantsless feels.  That I remember, at least.

I do believe I’m a *little* less “wide-eyed-innocent” for wear , but to know me on a typical day is to know someone who laughs at herself when she is a grump and dances and makes funny faces at people on a regular basis and typically a happy person.  I’ve alluded to some cool stuff going on at work, and even though it’s about time #10 that someone’s said something to this effect in my career, I have not lost the optimistic view.  I just add cautious to it.  And I realize that attaining it – just like getting to my original goal weight – will not make me happy and fulfilled forever.

So those of you just starting out – please don’t let it bring you down.  I am constantly reminded on a daily basis how lucky I am to have lost an entire person.  I wake up in the morning *fairly* easily around 8:30, feeling rested and well.  I no longer need caffeine or excessive amounts of sugar to get through my day.  I come into work ready to rock.  Running around the office all day is no issue, I’m not worse for wear at the end of a workday.  Working out is just a part of life.  Most days, I snub my nose and think – “junk food” at things I would previously have considered healthy.  It comes pretty natural to maintain my weight and be a fit and active person, something I *never* thought would happen 3 years ago.

It just has not been the ONE magical thing that made my life complete.  That, dear internets, is MONEY.  Lots of it.  Everything will be PERFECT when I no longer have to worry about money.  My life will rock!

…told ya, I never learn.

This week is shaping up to be just about as nutzo as last week.  So in place of a coherent post, here is a random mismash of stuff and things.  I know, just what you wanted – a Quix-brain-splosion, right?

-Note to self – a protein bar and a mug of veggie soup during half training time when my body is basically a hot furnace for calories is NO BUENO.  I got dizzy and my boss got to witness me having to close my eyes for a bit while we were mapping out the next milestone.  I ate some ‘stachios, then some pb, strawberries, and honey on bread, and I feel WAY better.  Still a little shaky, as vision crap messes with my head, but I think I can make it through sprints.  I mean, it’s only 5 miles, right?

-I keep thinking about what’s next training-wise.  I want to go back to lifting heavy things, but I’m sorta lost about what to try.  I’m kinda sick of picking up my little 7lb ers, I wanna go back to doing shoulder presses with the 25 lb ers or finally braving the standing squat machines at the gym.  Maybe finally mastering a pullup unassisted.  Jillian and my DDR circuits are great for days I just need something without leaving the house, but I tire of it.  I’m figuring T-13 days to race is NOT the time to make changes besides backing off, but I am ready.

I’m already really really looking forward to some really long slow runs.  I felt like I could go forever when I did my casual 9 miler @ 10:40 min/mi.  I want to try to maintain my length and plan 2 weeks from the half to go out and try 14 miles slow as I need to.  And then 15.  Walk some of it if needed, just do the distance.  Give myself plenty of time to rest in between.  I want to run different areas of town and not worry about what stopping for stoplights is doing to my pace. I can’t think of a better way to enjoy the impending beautiful weather than a nice, easy multi-hour jaunt around town.  Besides maybe drinks on the patio after.  Hey, work hard, play hard, right?

I also think I can shatter a 7 minute mile and my 26:31 5k records.  I know I have a sub-25 in me, especially with what I’ve learned to endure on tempo runs.  I want to keep up with speed work – but maybe instead of 2 per week, once every 2 weeks do a really hard ass lady-ball busting sprint or tempo workout.

I also am looking forward to some spring outdoor fun without worrying about being sore for a training run, or getting cardio on the right day.  Rock climbing again!  Ice skating!  Roller skating!  Bike adventures!  Dancing!  While we’re a little too broke to do a month of dance right now, we had a BLAST out dancing Saturday and I just wish it wasn’t on 12 mile-sore-legs, I wouldn’t have left the dance floor all night.  I’m thinking I can probably fit all this in somehow.

-I want this badly (either this one or the purple one being given away here on Tricia’s blog).  I would love to win it, but I’m making myself a deal if I don’t.  If I *do* actually finish my half marathon under 2 hours – this is my reward.  I will buy it no guilt for spending 60 bucks on an article of clothing.  Otherwise – maybe for my marathon?

Is it sad that now I’ve gone from “eh, I might make it in 2 hours and some change” to “damn, I am going to fly through that race and get that skirt!”  I suppose we are living in a material world and I am a material girl *ah ah ah*.

-Good things are afoot at work.  I wish I could say more.  This is reinforcing my decision that I am in an industry I love and this is the job I’m meant to stick with.  I mean, there is still a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to spill before I really get what I really, really want, but I’m cautiously optimistic.  I’ll drink the koolaid for a while and see what happens.

…and the rest of the folks in my house now are playing LOL captions on facebook and I think I will join them.  So now I ask of you, dear interwebs – what’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?  What would be your race reward for beating your pie in the sky goal?

It’s all crazy up in here lately, so random is the best I’ve got.  It’s even taken me 2 days to write this.

1.  We are about 99.9% of the way there to delivering a product.  I actually might be able to share this one with you once it’s out there!  It made me realize that maybe I’m NOT so unethused with my profession.  It’s stressful and frustrating work making a game at times, but damn do I feel alive when the heat is on and totally engaged at work and in the moment when we’re close to the end.  It’s just that I used to do exactly what I am doing tonight once every few weeks, and now it’s not very often at all.  It’s that adrenaline rush… is it going to pass?  Did we do everything right?  Are people going to like it?  Is management going to tell me to box my stuff up and collect my last check?  You never know…

2.  After busting ass through a few 6 and an 8 mile tempo @ 8:55 (attempting at least), 4 miles is super easy!  It’s pretty amazing what comparisons can do – I was WAY less miserable during each point than normal (and lets face it, trying to improve your pace is about being miserable for a while until that pace becomes, uh, un-miserable).  I was even able to do 30 minutes on the arc trainer after with no issues.  I was able to do little but go home and die after 6-8.  I still question if I’m going to be able to hold the pace I need to during the race, but I definitely think I have a chance.  And I think unless it’s pouring sleet, setting a new PR is a no brainer.

3.  I am still at a loss of what to do for my birthday, and taking suggestions.  Something under a few hundred dollars, within a few hours drive, that doesn’t suck if it’s cold and windy like this weekend, and… I dunno.  Something cool.

4.  This weekend, I am heading downtown to a cool event – at a bar I’ve always wanted to check out (which is usually too “trendy” for us, I guess, as no one ever wants to go there), with free alcohol, and a vintage clothing swap!  So I will end up drunk AND with new clothes!  I guess until shopping until you drop, it’s shop until you puke, right?  Kidding, kidding, I hope to be slightly more responsible than that.  Just slightly.  Regardless, I am tres excited.  Just gotta get through my hardcore fast 12 miler (last tough run of training) in our arctic blasted weather and not die.

5.  I have been really slacking this week and not tracking my food, not worrying about my weight even though its a few lbs up, and have made the conscious decision to be ok with a shorter cross training session than normal.  I’ve still been eating like my normal healthy self, but I’ve kinda decided that I can’t be too hard on myself for another month or so (up until the race and then a week or 2 after to let my appetite catch up to my activity level).  I can tell I’m not at the lowest weight I’ve been at lately, but I am also running stronger than I was then.  I do need to make sure I don’t let it go unchecked for too long, I don’t want to start seeing 160s or worse, but I have always been a fluctuator.  If you don’t hear me talk about my weight or see some double chins start poking out here, please call me on it.

My apologies to my bloggie friends – I’ve tried to keep up but I’ve been very busy lately.  This week has made about as much sense as this picture above.  Please forgive me!  Hopefully things will settle next week and I’ll be back to my chatty self.  Definitely need birthday suggestions (it’s about a month away) – if you can’t think of anything for a sane amount of money, tell me what you would do if the sky was the limit!  For me – 5 days in Costa Rica.  Which isn’t undoable *sometime*, just not right now.  Have a great weekend, and wish me luck tomorrow on my freezy ass speedy 12 miler tomorrow!

So, I’m still in a funk a bit, but I’m taking steps to make peace with that.

1.  There are a few things in my life that are a little out of control right now that just have to stay out of control for the time being, and I just realize that as a control freak, this will drive me a little nuts, and that’s ok.  There is an end.  There is a resolution.  I just need patience.

2.  There are a few things in my life that have not been put on a schedule and harnessed and planned like I like to do.  I can make this change.  For example, I need to start doing our monthly budget again, I’ve started it and just waiting for the month to end to get some data to work with.  Before – with just my salary and unemployment it was just too depressing.  Now, with Zliten only UNDERemployed it’s moderately less depressing!  Yes, I like my control freakiness with a side of avoidant behavior.  This will help me figure out things like whether it is possible to do something cool for my birthday AND redo the kitchen windows this year.  I would like to thank our previous owners for making ALL the windows in the house CUSTOM SIZES. *shakes fist (full of money)*

3.  This is typical end-of-winter blues for me.  I am never in a particularly great and happy state around now.  Once we get past the possibility of hard freezes and icky weather (like the rest of this week and weekend), I should be a much happier camper.

4.  It’s also the end of half marathon training.  I am at the point where I just want to run the race and do something new and different.  Less than last time where I was going nutzo about now, but there is definitely the defiant little Quix-in-my-head going “I WANNA RUN WHEN I WANNA RUN, WAH.”  I can only take the same rigid schedule for so long before I ‘splode, even if it’s self imposed.  And a different rigid schedule?  Like butter to me.  I love.  I just need different and freaky every so often.

I think a majority of the things kinda bugging me will resolve themselves mid-February.  And that’s not too far away.  And if not, I can busy myself making mountains of spreadsheets and unbooked vacation itineraries and dreaming of winning the lotto.  Hey, it could happen.

So I’m sure you’re sick of hearing ME whine, so let me direct you to other cool bloggers saying things besides wah wah boo hoo is me and my pretty little slightly imperfect life.

Get Miz on Ellen! Mizfit, you have some huevos, you are crazy, and I love it.

Endurance Isn’t Only Physical is giving away a Nathan’s Hydration Belt!

Fit to the Finish – I totally agree with her opinion on deprivation.

My Life On A Diet – the Aha moment of realizing you’re one of those Thin people.

Tiny Glow – what a difference 30 lbs makes!  Linking to this post specifically to a) show off her awesome progress and b) emphasize the IMPORTANCE of purchasing some clothes that fit every once in a while – don’t wait until your goal weight!!!

The Great Fitness Experiment – Charlotte examines Time Sickness (and ohhh boy, I have the sickness fo sho).  Extra credit – an amazing ab workout I am linking here for selfish reasons, so that I can remember it and partake of it once I finish this crazy half training.

Diet Girl is giving away a bunch of stuff in her sell out extravaganza!  Check it out.

It’s Feed Me I’m Cranky ‘s blog birthday and she’s giving away a whole foods gift certificate!  No one else enter because I’d like to win, please. 🙂

Go check out a few good peoples’ blogs and perhaps tomorrow I will have something besides blah de wah de splat.  What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?  What’s making you happy lately?