Adjusted Reality

A tale today, if you don’t mind…

Five years ago, I spent 100 hour weeks trying to be in charge of a video game the wrong way.  I was thrown into a situation (will my full permission and enthusiastic coaxing) where I made up for sheer inexperience with a ridiculous amount of time invested to learn.  Late nights, frustrating mistakes I had no one else to clean up but myself – it’s as if someone game me the violin I had always wanted, but with a frayed bow, no rosin, and no sheet music and said… “ok, now play a concerto”.  I flailed at it and did the best I could, and I certainly learned a lot, but I was no virtuoso.

I left that position, taking all the knowledge gained from those 3am lessons and weeks of undoing things that only took a few hours to screw up, and was ready to apply it to my new position.  Well, I was in for a surprise – while the draw of a significant raise, about 50% of the cost of living while still being in a cool city, and finally shipping a title (and getting my name on the credits) would have pulled me away no matter what, I was disappointed with taking a step down in responsibility.  Even though my title was the same, I added my touch wherever I could – but the amazing thing about having a full team means you don’t have to do everything.  And I found out that what was left were not my favorite things about the game industry.

Meanwhile – Zliten was on a journey of his own.  He was pretty burnt out from his time in the industry.  In fact, he was the one pushing us to relocate and do something different, however, I got the job first so we made the 1200 mile trek from San Diego to Austin and moved into the smallest shoebox we could across the street from my office just in case – so I could support us on one income for a good long while if needed be. After spending a few philosophical nights talking about it, he decided to put out a few halfhearted applications.

Less than a week later – he had a job making way more than me.

We called it ridiculous money.  In that tiny little apartment, with our living expenses – we were able to tuck away more than half of what we made.  Effortlessly.  We immediately started searching for a house, which we found the next month.  That year I also bought a car – a prius with all the bells and whistles, and though I could have almost bought it outright – I put down only about 1/3 just because you never know, and made plans to pay it off over the next year – but took a 6 year loan anyway.  We hosted bbqs and parties almost every weekend, and when we didn’t we were out at the bar or the movies or shopping or doing stuff to remodel the house.  I’d get huffy sometimes that we spent too much money and declare us broke and cut down spending for a month, but I had no idea what was to come…

That August, Zliten was laid off.  I was in the throes of massive overtime and in utter despair at my job.  Things were kinda miserable.  I admit – I was jealous.  I wanted to be the one laid off.  With my heart and soul.  I didn’t really, but I was stressed, tired, pouty, and irrational.  I hadn’t had more than 2 weeks off since I was 22 and just out of college (still haven’t), and I finally, for the first time in my life, understood what Peter from Office Space meant by, if he had a million dollars, he would do nothing.  “I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.”  Now, I know I didn’t really want that, but I felt defeated.  I felt burnt.  I felt like I just wanted to both sink into myself and fade away and stand on top of any soapbox that would have me and scream as loud as I could.

I started running.  No matter what else was out of control in my life, there was something about setting a goal and pushing myself physically until I felt broken and battered and torn down.  Sort of like how I felt at work and life but *I* was in the drivers seat here.  I could turn my mind off or mull things over.  I could space out or watch myself in the mirror – and get prouder and prouder by the day that I was looking more and more like a runner.  Sometime I imagined myself doing races, sometimes I imagined myself at my goal weight, sometimes I imagined things going better at work.  That became my happy time.

I also started this blog.  I missed the creative outlet and had no idea what I wanted to do with it, but dangit, I was going to start writing again.  I had no idea if anyone would ever read it, but I just needed, as I said before, my own little soapbox.  I felt like I had a fairly unique weight loss story (just like everyone else, heh) and was definitely not like all the other weight loss bloggers I had read.  I mean, for goodness sakes – I still smoked every day, drank a lot, ate takeout most of the time, and worked in freaking video games.  If *I* could do it, anyone could and felt like if nothing else, I could share my perspective on that.

That year, Zliten’s attempt at a startup never got off the ground.  The job market was so vile here that there were at least 50 designers for each position, and he was at that weird stage of 5-6 years of experience, so he was overqualified for most positions and there was too much competition for the ones he wanted.  I spent that year still unhappy with work, though I did get a bone thrown my way and got to spend 6 months doing voice over casting, recording, and other sound work, which made me complacent for a while, and I went from jealous to sympathetic to Zliten’s plight.  I wanted a month or two off.  He was going on a year.  He ended up taking a contract job out of desperation and thought the game might be cool and land him something full time.  I ended up changing teams at work and at first thought it was an opportunity, and then thought better of it once I got there.

Nothing was working out.  I spent some time thinking about leaving the industry and pursuing education – although it’s frustrating when you’re looking into taking a huge pay cut from your position even after 4+ years of schooling for pretty much anything you consider doing.  I was feeling very lost.  The money aspect – we were making do but not tucking much away, and definitely had to budget.   We would stay home more often to save money and do without some of the things we wanted.  I am a spoiled brat in this regard, and I know others that had to make more sacrifices – but we were the only one of our friends in that position.  No one else really understood when we bowed out of things due to money.

Then – things got…better.   I got a mini-opportunity to prove myself at work.  Then another larger one.  I rocked them.  I rocked them without working the 100 hour weeks and being a kiss ass and doing things in a way that felt unnatural to me just to get the job.  I poured my heart and soul into work again and it felt GREAT!  Other things changed and Zliten started looking into getting into my company.

So I am proud to announce, after this 3 year journey…after leaving my first real job and opportunity to move halfway across the country pursuing a dream and a better life, that as of today, I am now officially a full fledged Producer – in charge of a very successful game team.  I am also extremely proud to announce – as of this Monday – Zliten is also working as a designer on the ground floor of a creative and fledgling project, and after almost two years of being un- or underemployed, finally getting to use his potential again.  And the return to stupid money doesn’t hurt (we have some catching up to do for the last two years of being *broke as shit*).

And, oh yeah – I lost 110 lbs and ran two half marathons and a billion other races.  But that’s not the focus here.  After both of us almost lost faith in our industry, in our careers, in our capacity, in our abilities – we had thought about giving up.  However, we both found the way back just when we needed to.  And now, we celebrate.  Have a great weekend all, and that thing you very very very very very very much want but feel like it’s out of reach?  Maybe just keep slogging along and it will be closer than you think.

**Apologies for the lack of silly pictures.  I can have a serious Wall of Text everyone once in a while, yes?

My brain has been all over the place.  I hope this is not the only post I can eek out this week but no promises.

In honor of Mizfit, I’m putting away my scale for a month.  I weighed today at 161.4, and I plan to start again today continue tracking all month, trying to do the healthy thing, but not weighing.  I think the scale is fucking me up psychologically, and I’m going to see what happens without it.  It’s not helping me anymore, really, so I might as well give up the ritual for a while.  My guess on what happens in a month: I get on the scale and weigh about the same thing.  Hopefully a little less.  Doubtfully more.  So just about exactly what is happening now except without the annoying ritual of weighing each morning.

I know this feeling – I’m slightly unhappy with how I look.  I was looking at old pictures and thinking “dang, I wish I looked like that again”.  From last year.  Like 5 lbs lighter.  I think it’s all in my head, but still.  However, I’m not at the point where I feel ready to do anything drastic about it.  Like January 2007 when I started actually dropping weight.  I need to accept that I’m not there right now, and not smack myself in the face with a number I’m just a little unhappy with constantly.

What I’m not unhappy with are my athletic accomplishments.  This weekend, I just rode the full olympic tri bike distance – 25 miles.  Then, on a whim, I hopped off and found an open treadmill and decided to run.  My legs were a little jello-rific at first but I shook that off in the first quarter of a mile and started feeling…STRONG.  I quit at a mile since I had my old heel hurty shoes on, and I took it supah slow (11 min mi pace) but I felt like I could have kept going, easy.  At the very least, a lazy 10 min/mi 5k.

I’ve also been able to pick up my biking pace in the last 2 weeks.  Stronger quads are stronger.  I’m pretty happy that I was able to do 3/4 of the olympic tri swimming distance in the pool without much rest (I only stopped when my mom wanted to talk to me and it wasn’t for very long each time) and think I improved my stroke with her pointers (she never swims, just waterwalks, but apparently remembered a thing or 2 about technique).  Once I start doing distance running again (just up to and a little beyond 10k, no double digits planned), I’ll feel super duper and start beating my chest and roaring.

Somehow with all this, I’ve also been able to start sneaking in weights and some stretching (not yoga, but let’s just celebrate the baby steps).  And I haven’t been working out 1 million hours per week either.  It’s all coming together nicely.  Adding back running and doing some more pool training once I have one available to me is going to screw that all up, but for now, I will rejoice.

I’ve come to a realization – so there is this saying in games (well, business as a whole but since all my professional experience is in video games it’s what I know) that there is fast, cheap, and good, and you can only reasonably have two of the three even if you’re running on all cylinders.  If you try to go for a fast and cheap product, it’s going to likely be shite unless you have all the stars align and concoct the right mixture of magical pixie dust.  If you want it fast and good, you are going to have to throw boatloads of money at it.  So on, and so forth.

I think there is a similar dichotomy with fitness, but with endurance, speed, strength, and flexibility being the operative words.  Two years ago, when I had just started running, but did 3 days a week of week of weights and stretched religiously, I was strong and flexible, but had less endurance (I almost said no endurance, but being able to DDR for 45 mins straight should count for something) and no speed.  Even further down that road, when I was a gymnast, I was super strong (sitting straddle press to handstand anyone?) and suuuuuper flexible (all 3 splits were at least 10+ degrees past 180), and I had deeeecent speed but crap for endurance.  Running a mile would have been out of the question.

Now, I’ve swung the other way.  Back when I completed my first half marathon, I was STRONG (I kept up weights x2 a week and didn’t let the reps or weight back off until the week of the race) and had some mad endurance, but I was slow as a snail and not very bendy at all.  Now, I got this whole fast thing going on even at long distances (endurance), but I’ve definitely had to scale back my weights consumption and flexibility to get there.  I don’t find I’ve lost too much, but I’m definitely not where I was at.

For some reason, I keep feeling a lot prouder of my endurance and speed accomplishments than being able to lift heavier or bend further.  And I enjoy pursuing them much more – they are BIG! GOALS! that take a LOT! OF! TRAINING! and I seem to dig that lately.  For a while I thought that it was compensating for a lack of accomplish things in other areas of my life – but now that those are back… still motivated as ever.  So that’s nice to discover.

But I’m rambling.  Let’s get with the numbers, shall we?

Anyhoo, last week’s workouts:
Monday: DDR and weights
Tuesday: 12 mile ride and 5k run (first run in my new shoes, first run in a while that felt AWESOME)
Wednesday: camp gladiator (which was way butt kicking and I loved every minute)
Thursday: 11 mile morning ride at the gym (wanted to bike commute but there was a chance of rain)
Friday: relaaaaax
Saturday: 25 mile ride, 1 mile run (4 hours of shopping)
Sunday: more relaxing

This week’s plan, I has it:
Monday: DDR and weights (450 cals burned), eat around 1600 cal
Tuesday: 10k run (750 cals burned), eat around 1800 cal
Wednesday: bike commute + weights (450 cals burned), eat around 1600
Thursday: bike commute or morning ride (300 cals burned), eat around 1500
Friday: rest, eat around 1500
Saturday: 25 mile bike, 5k run (1300 calories burned), consume around 2500 (perfect day for a bachelorette party)
Sunday: swim (400 calories), eat around 1600

Looks to me to be FULLY reasonable and doable.  I might bank a few more calories for Friday (as we want to do dinner and a movie) but we’ll see.

I’ve thrown down my plan.  What’s yours this week?

Everything is lovely – but life is a bit overwhelming lately.  Like the kind where you’re loving everything you do, but just wishing there was more time to do even more stuff you love?   Yeah, I know, hard problem.  Pity me, please.  I love my job, the workouts I’ve been doing have felt like more fun than work, I spend many hours with my lovely Zliten and friends doing awesome fun stuff.  I just simply wish for more hours in the day to fill with more awesome stuff that I want to do.

I’ve been eating well for the most part, but I haven’t been tracking.  I did a 20.7 mile bike ride on Saturday (longest ever at one time).  I did a 1250m swim (over 3/4 mile) on Sunday (which is also my longest ever).  I took 2 days off and worked it out pretty hard the days I did.  I did weigh in a little high yesterday morning, but it’s a product of a high salt day.  Which I also had last night.  Honestly, I’m sticking right around 160 and I think that’s just going to have to be ok for now.  I think I really might need some professional help to really figure out the diet thing, so I’ll just keep eating the way I do now because it fuels my workouts and figure it out later.  Or at least the next time it becomes an emergency in my head.

This week, I’m planning these workouts:

Monday: 30 mins DDR and weights

Tuesday: 12 mile bike ride and 5k run

Wednesday: going with a coworker to boot camp!  Fun!

Thursday: bike commuting + weights

Friday: rest

Saturday: loooong bike ride (21 miles+?)

Sunday: TBD.  Something between another bike adventure, a walk, or maybe just sitting on my ass.

What’s up this week?  Zliten is out of town until Wednesday night (flight comes in conveniently after camp gladiator) and I’m holding down the fort, Thursday we have a yelp event at a gallery, Saturday Zliten is having bachelor party shenanigans (the groom to be wants to tour all the breweries in town) and I’m playing poker with coworkers, and that’s about it!

With everything going on, I imagine this is likely the only (worthless excuse for a) post I’ll be able to get up this week.  I have a lot of things I’d like to talk about, but either I don’t have the time, or it’s not official yet.  I’m holding out for next week being time for cool announcements and loveliness, but we’ll see.

Also – and please hold me to it folks – next week I plan to resume more frequent and longer runs.  I just got new shoes and I’ll give them a spin on the treaddy tonight, but if I’m going to be knocking out a 10k after swimming a mile and biking 25 – I need to get back to it.  My goal is to always keep a base of 10k – being able to knock one out with confidence and a respectable time (around 9min/mile) at any time.  I’ve gone too long without one due to heel issues.  Hopefully these shoes take care of this.  I mean, I DO need to keep on with the biking and swimming, but I can’t forget about running.  And there is just nothing like the feeling of a good run…

Ok, back to it.  I will leave you with a picture of me being badass at the gladiator games (in the black).  Have a wonderful week, and don’t hate me too much for being an absentee blogger!

Kinda brain dead today so here be things that I learned/did this week:

-A short week in hours is not necessarily a short week in perception.  Dear fluffy lord.  I think I just barely kept my brain from spilling out of my ears today.

-Telling someone that you want to see their coming facing instead of their going face, in front of a room full of coworkers, some of whom directly report to you, completely without meaning it in the dirty way, causes a laugh riot and gets you on the “quote list” at work.

-Maybe signing up for a relay at work that’s one week after my planned olympic distance tri isn’t the best idea, but it was a nice boost that they were impressed by my 5k time!

-Being so incredibly mentally and physically exhausted at the end of a day that you cannot fathom a workout is an ok excuse sometimes to take a rest day.  Especially when you have 6 days planned in the first place.

-Watching this episode of Glee is really making me miss doing theatre.  Gotta put that somewhere on the list.  Y’know the “things I have precious little outside work time to do” like train for an olympic tri, half marathon, write a book, martial arts, dance classes, and all those other things.  And I love my job too so I can’t even complain.  More time for more awesome good stuff plz.

-When toobing down the river, you should bring and re-apply sunscreen more often than once.  Although my legs looking like a spotted sunburnt cow is kinda sorta amusing now that it no longer hurts.

-This is my best and most favoritest new blog.  Thx Amanda for turning me onto this crazy.

-I have not much wit and humor and capacity for rational thought this week, so I leave you with cute.

I remember having to do an avant garde performance of the balcony scene in my theatre’s courtyard.  I had to run from the basement to the 3rd floor to yell out the art hallways, “arise fair sun and kill the envious moon”.  Being in theatre and NOT one of the leads, I smoked and was out of shape, so it was more like a wheeze – but I did it.  I bet I could actually walk up the stairs and sing now without being out of breath!

Anyhoo, have a great weekend – what are your plans?  Lots o biking and hopefully swimming here, some wine and birthday celebrations, and hopefully a whole lotta chillin’.   Said something really embarassing that you want to share?

I don’t know if it’s fair to really have made this long holiday weekend a test, but I sorta did.  All in all, I don’t think I did so bad – and of COURSE after a weekend where I took 2 days off, had 2 days of good backyard patio drinking going on, and hosted a BBQ with too much yummy good, there might be a little gain.  C’est la vie.  It’s Wednesday, and I’m about 1 lb up from last week’s weigh in.  I’m thinking that by the weekend I’ll be back under 160 and this week will be a wash and we can get on with it next week.

I did go back to tracking.  It just feels like a reasonable thing to do and it’s a nice check.  It was a good break for the last week to just eat as I felt like, and I did notice a few extra chocolates creep into my consumption, but considering the time of month, that’s pretty normal. I’m kinda used to the “earn my calories” philosophy, although I can’t be sure that I was exact each day, I did definitely chill on the calories on non-workout days (minus memorial day proper).

Here’s the familiar rub – I know how to eat to stay around my same weight.  My body wants to stay around 160 here.  I’m rarely much over 160 for long even when I abuse the chompings a bit, but it’s hard for me to get much UNDER it either no matter how good I am.  I’m tempted to say that maybe THIS is my happy weight, but it’s not.  I was much happier with my appearance 10 lbs ago (I think this gain went straight to my tummy and face, the two places that suck the worst) and didn’t seem to have much problems maintaining without a race thrown in.  So here I am again, 2 months years later, banging my head against the 150’s still.  Battling my size 6 jeans that once fit but now don’t.  But I digress.

Last week, I have no recollection of calories in or calories out.  I took the week off running and DDR because of my heel.  I rode my bike a lot.  I rode about 12 miles Monday, 14.5 miles Tuesday (and bike commuted for the first time!), arc trainer’d for 40 mins on Wednesday, did 45 mins of weights on Thursday at the gym, rode my bike about 8.5 miles Friday, took Saturday off, rode my bike 18 miles (a new all-at-one-time record) Sunday, and took Monday off.  Yeah, 2 sessions of weights and yoga fail.  But I did have an awesome biking week!  I can tell I’m getting faster and stronger in my quads.  18 miles was a bit long…it’s certainly going to be a bit of training to get to 25 (let alone the swim before and the 10k after) but I think I’m up for it.

This week, I’m going back to the norm.  I’m going to give it my all to chip away at these last few silly lbs until our July 4th trip.  So far, the schedule is looking like:

Monday: off (walking a mile or two, tubing down the river), maybe 1800 calories.

Tuesday: weights and yoga (300 burnt), ate about 1550.

Wednesday: 12 mile ride, 5k run (850 cal), eat about 1800.

Thursday: 40 mins arc trainer or bike commute (500 cal), eat about 1600.

Friday: weights/run intervals (600 cal), eat about 1700.

Saturday: 20 mile bike ride (1000 cal), eat about 2000.

Sunday: swim 800m (400 cal), eat about 1600.

I have a feeling I’ll skip ONE of these since this is crazysauce calorie burn but I’d like to PLAN on doing it all.  I’m pretty set on the long ride to get my mileage up.  And the swim since I haven’t in a week.  I don’t want to go much above a 5k running until I go get new shoes and I know it’s not going to be a huge issue anyway (hello taking off most of last summer and then bouncing right into half marathon training).  But I do want to get some nice soft-landing treadmill runs.  So that leaves tomorrow’s workout but I really want to do that too.

Hi, my name is Quix, and I am insane.  And since I have nothing else to say, I will leave you with a video of a dog riding a turtle.  Take it easy, see ya soon!