Adjusted Reality

So, as happens on occasion, a comment on a blog turns into something I want to expand on.  Charlotte talked about maintenance, and her great fluctuations.  Before I started the great de-porkification in 2007, I was exactly the same way.  I’d forget about veggies and remember more french fries and gain weight ’til I got the point of being unhappy with myself, then employ some ridiculous plan like the crackers and stress diet, or super caffiene pill diet to try to become what I was before.  The difference is I never quite got to my low weight, so it was just this dippy little rollercoaster that would keep going down then up up up, then down a little then up up up, until I found myself at 265 lbs and was ready to finally go down down down.  So I find myself now almost at the start of the ride again, hoping to get off for the final time, for good.  I like rollercoasters but sometimes, enough is enough and you start to feel queasy at the thought of getting on another one.

So here is the challenge – I’m now at a weight that though the BMI scale says is still 10 lbs overweight, I definitely feel healthy.  I no longer feel as if my weight is holding me back from doing any normal athletic activity.  I look into the mirror most mornings and thing, “gee, don’t I look good”.  I would not be embarrassed at all to run into any exes or people I knew from high school or whatnot.  I can go into any store, pick up clothing, and it will fit.  Sure, I might look ridiculous in super low rise jeans or a halter top, but size-wise, I’m set.

The problem is, I don’t feel like I’m done.  I feel like I’m on the big side of ok.  There are some mornings where I wake up, put clothes on, and I’m just like, ugh.  I definitely still have some belly I can lose, as well as that annoying chicken wing meat, and I’d like to see a little more jaw bone.  If I do decide to take up a serious athletic endeavour, I could definitely see wanting to shed some more weight for non-cosmetic reasons.

I’ve not had a history of any sort of eating disorders, beyond being young and stupid and thinking that I just wasn’t strong enough to be an anorexic.  I might have eaten less or more than I should have at times in my life, but I definitely don’t exhibit tendencies of major binge eating or restricting my food intake beyond what is generally sane and healthy.  I only throw up when I am extremely sick, I would never consider doing it for any other reasons.  When I eat too much, it’s because it’s tasty.  When I eat not enough (which is very rare), it’s usually due to forgetfulness, or a severe illness like the flu.  I did previously have a little bit of a tendency of saying, “man I had a hard day, I’m going to treat myself to a cheeseburger and a beer”, but I think that’s *fairly* normal, right?

I lay this out because I realize, at this embarkation point, I need to watch myself closely.  While I have no history of disorder, I definitely have the type of personality that could be pre-disposed to it.  If losing 10 lbs is good, then losing 50 more is better, right?  If working out 7 hours a week is good, working out 15 is better!  More, more, more, I want it all!  I have definitely made strides in being a more balanced person than I used to be, but as Ani Difranco says, “they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics even if they’re dry as my lips for years, even if they’re stranded on a small desert island with no place in 2000 miles to buy beer”.

So why can’t I just leave well enough alone and be happy?  Maybe if I had always been fat, I’d be just satisfied being not-fat.  However, I have this memory of looking extremely kickin’ when I was training in gymnastics.  Like, I still had curves, but nothing else but the boobs on my bod jiggled AT ALL.  I really and truly need to scan some of those pictures, but take my word for it.  I hear that blah de blah, I’m 29 not 16, and I realize that there may be some loose skin issues taking myself down to half of myself from 2 years ago…but there is nothing unhealthy about the weight I was at, and while I don’t expect to be 8% bodyfat again, aiming for that healthy weight of 125 is not ludicrious-sauce, right?  There is nothing wrong with a 5 foot 5 inch chicky-poo weighing 125, is there?

After the journey I’ve been on for the last 2 years, after all the work I put in to this, after all the mental and physical accomplishments I’ve made, don’t I deserve to see this through to an end where I am content on working on my fitness level only, and not worrying about the number being too high?  Can’t I, for once in my life, get to a point where the back of my head is quiet and not saying “I wish I could lose 10 lbs”?  I feel like there is this weight out there where all of a sudden, I’ll know it’s time to stop shedding.  That I will be fully, completely, and totally happy with my physical form for the first time in about 20 years.

I’m just afraid that will never happen.  I don’t want to be that person that is always trying to lose 5 lbs.  I don’t want to get too skinny, but I’m not sure what too skinny is.  I’ve never been there in my life.  It might actually be enlightening to have a frame of reference for that.  However, I’m envisioning 3 scenarios as end game for the losing phase of this journey:

1.  Best case: I reach a weight where in my mind it clicks that I am fully and completely happy here.  I wish to not lose any more weight.  I rewrite my bio and update my progress page one last time, and I stop whining about anything weight related for the rest of my life.

2.  Worst case: I get to a point where I have to either eat or exercise in a way that’s not comfortable to my lifestyle, I fight with it for months and make no progress, and just give up and decide that, to quote the cheesy phrase, things DO taste as good as thin feels and say eff it all.

3.  What will probably happen: I’ll reach a point where I am mostly happy with myself, decide I am done for a while, maintain there and work solely on fitness and replacing lumps and bumps with sexy, sexy muscle, and then re-evaluate whenever I find a reason to do so.

It must be navel-gazing Wednesday.  I know I have at least 10 more lbs to go, so it’s not an immediate decision to be made.  I do very much realize now that being at the perfect weight is not going to suddenly make my life perfect too, but I’m a project manager.  I like to check things off.  Seeing charts with 95% complete bugs the crap outta me.  I’m just wondering when it will be time to make that proverbial check mark on such a nebulous task.

Fish, rice, and veggies is typically a once a week staple in our house.  This is one of the newer versions we made, because, well, this kind of fish tastes great baked in the oven, whereas most versions tastes best on the BBQ, and when we made it, it was cold!

It is so freshly out of the oven, it’s still steaming in the picture.

As for the recipes, Zliten actually entered them on the spark site, so let me direct you there.  I think the only other thing, which may be a “duh” to most people – but make sure the fish is thawed.

The fish, which is delish…

The rice, which is very nice…

Add to the plate a good smattering of veggies, and you have a super great fantastic healthy meal – about 500 calories for a big slab of tilapia, a cup of rice, and the rest of the plate full of veggies.  Although as a pisces it almost seems cannibalistic to eat fish and enjoy it so much, I think I’ll get over it.

p.s.  Yes, it has white rice in the picture.  If you’re anti-white stuff, just sub brown rice.  I know some people tout brown rice as awesome for you and white rice horrible-terrible-no good, but I believe the only difference is the fiber count.  And it flips some people’s “eat everything carby in the house” switch, but I guess I don’t have that.  And I get quite enough fiber, thank you!  I dunno, I know in my heart of hearts it’s better for me, and I actually quite like it, but Zliten doesn’t – so we alternate.  And variety is the spice of life, so it’s good.

Besides being one of the best David Bowie songs ever, it’s what we did last night, said hallo to the spaceboy Richard Garriot.  We headed to the imax theatre downtown for a night of all things astronaut-y.  First, we watched a 3-d movie filmed shortly before he went up to the space station.

Wow.  Just wow.

I spent the whole movie feeling like I was 10 years old, alternating between my mouth being agape, and a shit-eating grin on my face.  Zliten is a space nut, we used to fall asleep watching the Nasa channel in San Diego, any space documentary, he’d just be glued to it.  Of course, I think space is cool as hell and I’d love if in my lifetime there was commercial flights to the moon.  But seeing it in 3-d (and wow, 3-d has gotten better since I was a kid) was just… awe inspiring.  Words just cannot describe how cool that was, so I’ll just stop babbling about it.

Then, Richard gave a presentation on his background, his involvement in the privatization of space travel, and his experience training for and going up to the space station.  I knew his father was a cosmonaut, I knew he invested in it, but I didn’t know he was one of the founders of the x prize, and I didn’t know how dedicated he had been to wanting to be an astronaut all his life.  I knew a lot about his video game history, but it was pretty cool to hear more about the space part of his life.  Ya know.  Someone I’ve met.  Someone Zliten has actually worked with.  Someone that I’ve done a dive off his second floor balcony jump spot into his pool at a party has also gone into space.  Somehow, the millions he’s made in video games didn’t really starstrike me the way this did.

I guess what I could take away from this is – if this guy had the dream of going into space, and found out that he couldn’t do it in the capacity that many could because of his eyesight, he just kept trying to create another way.  He could have just been accepting of his fate, but he wasn’t.  Someone closed a door, he just kept knocking on all the rest of them.  Sure, he came from a cosmonaut-artist-scientist family, but he’s obviously not just a trust fund kid.  He was making a company in his parents basement in college selling his video game in college when I was getting myself into debt drinking and partying.

I sometimes – not regret because I love where I’ve ended up – but wonder where I would have ended up if I would have taken some different roads.  I could have gotten into some really good schools with my grades and scores, but I couldn’t decide where to go so I just stayed in town and went to the state school in Reno.  I could have continued on with gymnastics and seen where it took me, same with diving – I was actually offered a small diving scholarship and spot on a college team which I turned down for various reasons.  I wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed on with SOE and in San Diego (just a little, that’s one decision I’m pretty sure I made correctly just for health reasons).  If only I had a “what if” machine…

However, it really hit home last night that a lot of doors I’ve always thought were closed to me at the ripe old age of 29 – well, they’re only because I think they are.  I’m probably not going to try to take up gymnastics again pushing 30, but nothing is stopping me heading to a pool and getting back on the diving board.  Maybe I could even be the one to start an adult diving league here in Austin.  Same with all the other fun/active things I used to do before I left college, became a sedentary blob, and packed on weight.

It’s a really good feeling to be going into my 30’s (my birthday is March 3rd by the way) lighter and fitter than at any other time in my life since I quit gymnastics.  I actually think I might be stronger in different areas, I surely have never been able to run 5+ miles before in my life.  As my resolutions definitely enforce, I just need to figure out what I’m going to tackle, and focus!

And hey, maybe one day I’ll go to space too.  I hear that you lose weight up there.  Bonus!

So, as this week has been incredibly busy, I’m going to bust out some of the best, funny, or insightful things I wrote elsewhere over the last few years.  Enjoy!

Seriously, I’m stretching today.  First, you got the awesome rah-rah go me post, then some workaholic memories, then my rant (sometimes, I miss the capability to get so angry and coherent at the same time, tee he), and today, I’m just spent.  So in the vein of my 5 random things, here is 10 random things about me, from last year, February 28th to be exact.

10 Random Things About Me…

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 random things, facts, goals, or habits about yourself.  There was some crap here about being tagged, but I deleted it! If you want to share 10 interesting things about yourself in the comments, go for it!  If you want to steal it as blog fodder, be my guest!  Ok, here we go, random things about me…..:

10 – Elevators make me a little uneasy.  I’ll use them without a problem, but I am always thinking in the back of my head if it’s been serviced properly.
9 – I employ proper hygene simple as a courtesy to others, not because I really care about it.
8 – If I am leaving the house, I feel naked without a choker, hoop earrings, lipstick, and either my glasses or sunglasses (of course, along with the obligitory clothing).  Everything else is optional.
7 – I would probably be just as happy never driving my own car again if I could afford a driver.
6 – I am meticulous about the laundry being done and put away properly, but pretty much anything else in the house can go to shit for weeks without me caring.
5 – I have a hard time breaking into take my turn in a conversation, so occasionally I’ll say things that made sense 5 minutes ago with really chatty people and they will think I’m weird.
4 – I start picking up chat mannerisms very quickly after hanging out with people on a frequent basis, and it’s very, very involuntary.  I’m very impressionable I guess.
3 – I used to do it when I was younger and just started again…I pick out my clothes and lay them out by my bed or it takes me forever to get ready in the morning.
2 – I wear my fruit stickers like a badge of honor.  For instance, today I am a granny smith apple 4139!
1 – I am often curious about what people think about me, but really don’t care as long as I’m happy with myself.

Next week, I hope to get back to normal with some new topics.  Have a great weekend, interwebs!

So, as this week is looking to be incredibly busy, I’m going to bust out some of the best, funny, or insightful things I wrote elsewhere over the last few years.  Enjoy!

***Warning – flagrant use of foul language ahead.  More than the usual.  So if something like “fuck-faced cock sucking whore” just offended you, ya might just turn back now and come back later for the usual, more inspirational fare.***

Anywhoo, now that I got that out of the way, this was a post I made to my LiveJournal after a really rough day at work.  I had someone, to my face, tell me essentially my project was worthless.  Being that I’m public about where I was working and what I was working on at that time, I don’t want to say more than that.  However, three and a half years later, I can surely post the rant.  I’m simply impressed with the utter rage I was able to channel.  I’m normally a very happy person.  Only very very occasionally do I run faster on the treadmill simply because I’m imagining someone special’s face underneath each footstep (and the more I run, the more I can kick them in the face!).  Enjoy – and remember what happens when you get on my bad side…

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
7:56 pm

Fuck you.
No, Really.  Fuck you.

You know who you are. Who the fuck do you think you are? I know who you are, but WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BE SUCH AN UNABASHED ASSHAT WITH NO REMORSE?

Who do you think you are to invalidate anything that doesn’t facilitate you snorting coke from a hooker’s back and drinking the piss of Gods. I mean, if you piss 1/3 of my salary like you so eliquently said today, it must be high quality piss for sure. I mean, you should bottle that shit and sell it like Evian. Perhaps then you won’t have to worry about this petty thing called your fucking job, or anything called common decency, tact, respect.. You’re a fucking GOLDEN GOD, asshole.

God forbid you look beyond the narrow scope of your ivory tower and see what the fuck is going on with the world. How dare you make a mockery of what I stand for? Perhaps your shit decisions helped us get in this boat? Is your distaste of passion because you don’t have the courage to do anything useful? Do you go home at night and cry because your life is so empty and alone? Have you fully perfected ignoring your concience? Have you convinced yourself that the laws of karma do not apply to you?

Fuck you for ruining my morning. Fuck you for ruining my ideals that people are generally good. Fuck you, you cock sucking souless shadow of a human being, for distracting my thoughts all day.

Thank you for making me that much more motivated to prove you wrong and show you that I will not be ignored and go quietly into oblivion like you want me to. Thank you for the fire and the vengance I need to show the world just how your brethern can’t keep us down. I’ll do it because you do not have the power to ruin something beautiful. You do not rule over me, if you stand in my way, I’ll find an alternate route. I have the patience, the drive, and the desire to persevere and, indirectly show you just how fucking wrong your money grubbing ass is. Someday, you will be remorseful that you showed me such disrespect and decided today was the day to pick a fight with someone.

Fuck you for illiciting such rage and hatred from me. You must be fucking talented to be able to strike such a discord in me that makes me feel this way. It doesn’t happen very often. You won the fucking lotto. Hooray for you!

Eat shit and die. Your blatant disregard for the little guy shows just how shallow you are. In a short amount time you will be but a speck in my memory. A little bit of fuel for that evil side of the fire that drives me. I hope you’re happy that you looked like a fucking crybaby asshat in front of your peers today. I know I’m not your “peer” yet, but the others were. I hope your fucking satisfied solidifying the fact that you are a complete and utter stain on the human race.

I will drink away the disdain I feel about this and let it out, and return tomorrow to a semblance of normalcy. You will have to deal with that feeling in the back of your head forever that makes you wonder where you went wrong. While you may try, you cannot stifle the creative spirit and the love of the people who want to create something wonderful.

I’m out. This is not healthy for my soul. I’m done thinking about you and your inadequacies. I hope that you enjoy that corporate grave that you’re digging yourself.