Adjusted Reality

Wow, 2021, you’ve been a lot.

You know that friend, the one everyone adores, but is just a bit more maintenance than others? Yeah, that’s 2021 in a nutshell. I wouldn’t have traded what transpired for the world but 2021 was not so effortless as previous years and 2022 is looking to be more of the same.

It ain’t all bad though, not in the slightest. Let’s refract.

At the beginning of the year, I dusted off this blog and decided to write again. Because all I did in 2020 was type casual chatter words in a messenger program all day (Teams) when I’m not (or sometimes while) talking to a box (also on Teams), my writing style had degraded from words that sound nicely put together to borderline word vomit if I was not vigilant. As 2021’s months went on, I stopped trying so hard, and in some cases, this blog showcases barely-edited word vomit. And I decided that was okay. Perfect is the enemy of good enough, and it was indeed good enough to record my history and sort through my sh*t with words even if it was more plainer than some years.

In January, also, big changes happened at our company. Very public changes, so I don’t hesitate to mention it, but it really shaped my year. Twelve months ago, I truly did look at two very positive, but mutually exclusive paths, both with opportunities that excited me, and now one of them has faded into oblivion, with the label: the road not traveled. I have no regrets, I truly enjoy what my professional life has evolved into even if some SPECIFIC days I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a wagon for a few miles. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, once I can assemble more of a team, I’ll be carrying a little less of the load myself (and so will some of my folks). I am truly grateful our new owners promoted me to Director sight unseen based on the health and metrics of our product and that I’m being stretched to go way beyond those duties to take over more and conquer the world.

Last fall/winter, I had a pretty debilitating back injury. It took most of 2021 to figure it out and (mostly) fix it, as I still feel it’s vestiges at times, but the difference between me on Jan 1 and me on Dec 28th is like night and day. First thing was just getting the eff active again any way I could. It took some fits and starts, where I did some virtual racing, powered by daily stretching and core, and then the Snowpocolypse happened and we just COULDN’T do anything for a week, and then it was March and our birthday month and we were huge slackers, and then all of a sudden my back was as bad as it had ever been and I was beyond despondent and wondered if I would ever be who I was again.

Then, we got the vaccine and by May, I was back in the pool and riding bikes outside. I will credit BOTH of these on my road to recovery. Cycling outside was as close as I could get to running (outdoors, sweaty endorphin generating fun, etc) and was a decent substitute after a year of utter neglect. Swimming… hurt a bit. But in a weirdly good way, it felt like it was stretching my back muscles in ways they needed to be stretched and the (mild) pain was just… assembling my body correctly again, if that makes any sense. I started to whisper about completing the half ironman I do almost every year in September, and in June, I *VERY* slowly added run/walk to the plan and hit the signup button even through trepidation it was premature.

It was not my best training cycle, not in the slightest. However, it was good enough, as I finally showed the heck up each week as I could manage it. I toed the line feeling confident about the swim, tentative about the bike (aero position and the one big hill I remember on the course being my concerns, not completing the distance as that was in pocket), and laughed about the “run” – figuring it would be a run/walk heavy on the WALK, but I’d be able to complete the race within time limits and that’s all I cared about – covering 70.3 miles on my own accord.

It went just about as planned, even better at times! The swim was slow, a personal worst but as expected as my not-as-cranky-but-still-touchy back didn’t tolerate the motion of sighting buoys well. The bike was WAY more pleasant than expected. I cruised along at around 17 mph the whole time feeling just… JOY. For about 3 hours and change, I just enjoyed being present at the race, singing showtunes to myself, taking in the fact that I was RACING! The run was about as much of a sh*tshow as I expected but I made it, just a minute longer than it’s ever taken me before (yeah, personal worst by less than 60 seconds), but I didn’t really care. Six months before that, it was tough to pick up socks off the floor. Fast forward half a year, I completed my eleventh half ironman.

It was awesome, although kinda weird, to resume travel in 2021. We started the year camping on New Years Eve, we returned to the woods as soon as the air and weather weren’t trying to kill us in March (I forgot to post about this, but KL Ranch in New Braunfels was a beautiful place to spend a long weekend) and in April (also forgot to post on this, but Canyon Lake for a work-from-camper test). In June, we finally hopped a plane to Cozumel, sort of last minute, because the office was closed for almost a week to move servers and it was a little weird but amazing to once again submerge myself and dance with the fishies. We camped again at Krause Springs for our normal fourth of July trip (which was awesome, even though I wrecked on my bike), camping again at Kerrville for the race in September. A week later, in October, we jumped on a boat for a family cruise. I think I’m feeling a little restless right now since I’ve been at home for almost three months, the longest since Summer 2020. We shall fix that shortly though! It was truly nice to return to some semblance of normality in travel, albeit with cloth face coverings. In most cases, I felt reasonably safe, probably safer than in crowds at home as mask-wearing is enforced a lot more outside of Texas.

My one 2021 resolution, which I neglected to translate here from my “facebook as a blog” tendencies before Jan 3, 2021, was to treat my meatbag with more respect and care. I consider this as both a failure and a success, depending on which lenses you put on to examine the situation.

In 2020, I gained about the “Covid 10” and while I was a little cranky about it, I fully understood. I didn’t track my food, I didn’t even try to eat healthy (legit and frequent meals were Chef Boyardee and Top Ramen). I didn’t do anything significantly sporty after the world shut down, and I fully deserved what I got. In 2021, I gained the rest of the “Covid 19“. And it’s a little more frustrating, because I did try, at least in a half-arsed way, at least some of the time. And I was doing sporty activity things, at least some of the time. But here I am, with the majority of my closet just not fitting, and I’m exiled to stretchy pants or nothing at this point. So some of the time isn’t good enough right now. Noted.

I started the year with some really bad stress-coping strategies that I wanted to replace with healthier ones like morning meditation, and it just fell off after February. However, as expected, once I was able to return to sport things definitely got better up in the grey matter (and then also got worse after the race in September when I took a break from regular training). I have truly found my “why” beyond racing. I can’t handle as much stress in my life unless I sweat and breathe heavy more days than not. I’m not me without sport. I’m really glad to have it back in my life.

One great habit we’ve established in the last two months (and committed to for the next year) is strength training with a trainer. Booking a session once a week is enough to make us complete the other sessions we are supposed to each week (3x). Our second gym (yeah, spoiled, I acknowledge it) is within a quick walk, which after work is so much easier than the idea of sitting in traffic, and the workouts are 4-6 exercises and done within 30 minutes. We both feel more stable, our problem areas hurt us less than before, our posture is better, and we are definitely building strength. While I’m a little nervous about continuing this 3xweek during IM training next year, I think it’s probably one of the best things we can do for our hopeful finish, and it’s worth sacrificing some of the cardio to make it happen if necessary.

One very big failure was any attempt at work-life balance, respecting my own time, and setting boundaries. For various reasons work was very needy. And I needed to let it be, at least for a while. However, this trend is stretching on a bit too long, and in some cases, I need to solve problems instead of just waiting for the panacea to arrive to keep myself sane and also effective. Considering how ragged I ran myself into this holiday break, I need to establish some new habits and methods here as I’m realizing how precious my time is going to become, at least through the end of April next year.

And, yes, the hobbies. It wasn’t the worst year for ’em, but it wasn’t the best. I had weeks where I didn’t play guitar because I didn’t make the moments to do so (but I also had weeks where I played multiple times). Regardless, I have about 10 songs I can play from memory, even if I let it go for a few months, and I feel like I’ve improved. I painted… some… but not like I did the year before. We fell off playing solo tabletop role playing games but started playing with HUMANS in person again after we were all vaccinated and felt reasonably safe to do so. The amount of Bloodbowl (and other games, to be honest) I’ve played this year is pretty laughable compared to the last two. I made words here, but nowhere else, though I am copy editing for someone else right now and I’m getting the itch to crack open my own work, at least a little bit, but finding time to write is ultimately challenging, only stolen moments on the weekend mornings is when that happens, so it’s about priorities.

It’s difficult for me to sum up the year with three words as I normally do. Usually, they’re super positive like courage, confidence, and worthiness because I had some pretty amazing years pre-2020. But, I shall try:

Patience – Going from 0 direct reports to 13 was a learning experience in patience (and finding some kindness that I had sort of tucked away a few years ago when I started managing projects, not people). I had to be patient with my stupid cranky back recovering so slooooowly, but as frustrating as it was, it paid off. There has been a lot of patience with watching the world start to return to normal, then taking a step back, and then stalling out for a while. Who thought we’d still be wearing masks almost 2 years later? I am not a patient person by nature, in the true sense of “just waiting for something”, but when combined with persistence, “the ability to continue to bash my head against a brick wall until it breaks”, aka, the ability to be patient when I can make progress towards something, I am better.

Persistence – Even through all the things 2020 and 2021 threw at me, I may have retreated a bit, but discretion is sometimes the better part of valor. One thing I don’t do is give up. It gets me through races, difficult training days, difficult days at work, and big challenges that seem insurmountable. I’m unafraid of hard work and actually have a lot of effs to give. One of my greatest strengths is relentless forward progress. One MAY call it stubbornness, but I’ll paint it in the positive light of persistence.

Imbalance – I have a LOT of effs to give as long as I maintain some modicum of balance in my life between work, sport, creative hobbies, socialization, and rest. Sounds tricky, but I had all the plates spinning happily before March last year. 2020 threw it WAY out of balance where I spent the entirety on work and creative hobbies with almost no sport and no socializing, and I was missing one of the most important creative hobbies that kept me sane (writing). 2021 leaned even more into work, and I found a little less of my attention span ready to create on my own time. Thankfully sport and socializing became a thing again later in the year (though it was weird and awkward to do the latter sometimes after a year of just… not), but the four other aspects besides work were squished into a smaller box than normal. Sometimes you must embrace the imbalance, as it’s the path to progress, although it’s not something you can maintain for the long term.

If I sound a little tired and jaded, maybe I am. This is the latest in the year I’ve started my holiday break in over a decade (on Wednesday last week), and I’m still a little crispy since we went DIRECTLY into holiday shenanigans without any unwind time (coming soon, I promise). However, worry not, I know I have many effs to give for 2022, and I also have quite a bit of time to relax before I have to give them. So, stay tuned for all things 2022 because goals are BACK, my friends. At least, as soon as I get back from some time in the ocean.

Tomorrow marks the one-month anniversary of the little big muscle man hurting me with 5 lb dumbbells and making me realize that this is what was missing in my life.

I can happily report I’ve shown up 3 days a week for the last 4 weeks to the gym to do our workouts as planned. When I can create a routine that feels enjoyable and that I look forward to, I succeed, and this has been the case here. Mondays and Wednesdays at 530 or so, we put down work for a bit and walk to the gym, do our workout, and walk home (Fridays, sometimes at lunch, sometimes after work, or sometimes Saturday instead, for those of you keeping track). Sometimes we just go right there and back, especially if it’s the second workout for the day but it’s still an extra 1.2-mile walk. Sometimes we’ll take the long way home and look for holiday decorations. Sometimes the long way includes a stop to get dinner somewhere. Occasionally, I’ll have to go back to work after dinner, but it’s generally quieter and I get more done at 8pm than at 530 anyway, so it works out.

I also can happily report that my strength is improving. I’ve progress up in weights and/or reps when the exercises repeat very occasionally. Often, though, we’ll do something completely different and it’s kinda fun not to know exactly what I’m in for until I get there. I’m no longer sore for days after these workouts – I’ll feel it a little bit the day after but not so much that I’m unable to function, some days it’s barely noticeable. When I started this, I was worried it would mess with Ironman training (I need to cardio 5-6 days a week) but now that I’m used to it, I think it will be totally doable.

Another perk is that my body feels SO much more stable. I have not done a lick of “core”, focusing on push (arms), pull (arms), shoulders, and legs instead. I’m guessing core work has been a biproduct as my back has not bothered me at all. Occasionally I’ll notice it, but it’s the soreness of muscles on the edge of overdoing it (that are fine later or the next day), not this weird seizing and then hobbling around for days, unable to pick stuff up off the floor. After so many months of pain, a small reprieve, then more pain I’m hesitant to say I’m actually truly recovering here, but all signs are pointing in that direction. Of course, nothing can be perfect, and I’m nursing a bit of a cranky heel, but I think I just need to solve some running shoe problems there. Besides those weird heel twinges, all is lovely!

What I’m not seeing is any noticeable progress in body composition or weight. I know I’m not giving 100% in this area – my food tracking has been spotty at best, and I know I’m not hitting 1500 calories exactly per day or sticking to my macros, and the frequency at which I’ve gone out to dinner lately is obnoxious. I will continue to give this the best I can through the holidays, since halfway trying is better than not trying at all, but I’m ready to give this my all in January. Also, lack of quality sleep and stress is a thing up in here lately, and I’m hoping that 3 weeks off work will be the recharge I need to feel like myself again after a super exciting but stressful year.

During the fall the last few years (pre-2020), I’ve spent it on my bike adventuring. I wish I could say the same this year, but I’ve neglected it badly since the race, doing maybe a handful of trainer rides instead. Fall 2021 has really been about being on foot – last week I put together 16 running miles and 15 walking miles. The weather has been beautiful, I’m up to seven miles (running, not run/walk!), and I’ve loved the return to solving all the problems during the active meditation which is the long run. If I stick with +1 mile to my long run each week from now until 3M (1/23/2022), I think I’ll be able to run 10 miles as my NYE run, and 13.1 miles on 3M day should be the next week’s natural progression instead of a big jump. I have zero goals for this race except I would like to slowly jog the whole thing and feel good after.

I know I will need to become reacquainted with my bike again soon. Once I finish out this last week of work, I have BIG PLANS to go play bikes outside more often over vacation simply because we’ll have the daylight to do so. Swimming – I’m not afraid of it being the 4th or 5th focus (after weights and even nutrition) right now. Yes, I need to swim 2.4 miles in April but whatever. I don’t anticipate any issues getting there, and this shoulder/arm strength I’m building will DEFINITELY be an asset. My swimming limitations were my cranky back and a crunchy shoulder from the bike crash, and both of these seem to have improved throwing weights at the problem, so I’ll keep at it and not worry about actual pool time right now.

Life feels a bit more normal lately. Yeah, I spend my days WFH in pajamas, and it’s weird wearing a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth that fogs up my glasses every every everywhere in public, but it’s starting to feel routine and we’re actually out there in the world a bit and human-ing. In the last week or so, we had our every-2-weeks D&D group over, we went for dinner and saw the opening night of Hamilton on Tuesday, had our ‘rents over for dinner and cards on Thursday, and walked to dinner on Friday as well.

Yesterday, I got my Covid booster (the price for being a human in these times, I suppose). I have been trying to schedule it for some time but didn’t have a weekend where I could do nothing for 1-2 days if necessary (since the J&J kicked my arse for a whole weekend back in April, I wanted to be prepared). I also wanted to get it in plenty of time before vacation. So, I worked up until I had to go for my run, I ran (did I mention seven miles without walking? wheee!), and then took notes on the work problem I was crunching in my head during the run, and then cleaned up a little and Joel drove me downtown to get my jab. On the way home, we celebrated with Easy Tiger (that pretzel was damn delicious) and stocked up on a few things in case I felt terrible.

The head fog descended pretty quickly and is still prevalent (I’m going to guess this is not going to be my most grammatically smooth or even grammatically correct missive I’ve ever put together), and I’ve been a little extra tired the last 24 hours. I had the most INSANE carb cravings last night (like, I needed to keep eating carbs or I was going to die), and I definitely had to vocalize the things wrong with Wheel of Time while we were watching it even though I really did quite enjoy it! However, I experienced no fever, aches, chills, nausea, or sweating through my sheets while sleeping nonsense like last time. I’m really hoping tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling 100% back to normal – I have a presentation to give and a LOT to do – but enduring a little bit of a mood and the tireds this weekend was well below the expectations of my misery.

Regardless of how I feel, the train continues to chug along the tracks for just one more week. Five more weekdays including 2 power point presentations, 1 post-mortem, 6 more reviews, at least 20 meetings, finishing up a few projects, and one holiday livestream to top it off (not to mention 3 weights sessions, a few runs, and probably some walks) and then I’m looking forward to a nice end-of-December slowdown. I am ready.

My last post was cute. Absolutely adorbs.

Here’s how that particular week and the one after it went:

• Start Sunday and Monday with great intentions and hit the gym
• Be heckin over it with work and stress by Tuesday night
• Do nothing but go for walks the rest of the week when Joel can drag me away from my computer
• Repeat

Luckily, we had scheduled the first free session with a personal trainer. Joel made mention of perhaps continuing it, and I scoffed. Pfft, come on, we know how to do all that. We’re (lapsed) certified personal trainers, I’m a triathlon coach, I know more about sports nutrition than a lot of nutritionists. Why would I pay someone to do a thing that I can do in my sleep?

Then, we went to the gym and met with Tim, the little big muscle man. While he does not skip leg day, he DEFINITELY doesn’t skip arm day. He proceeded to ask us about goals and talk through what it would take to get there in terms of diet and training and he passed the first test – it all tracked with me. No crazy diets (just sane calorie and macro goals), no promises of rapid results (1 lb week fat loss and ~1 lb month muscle gain), and just the stuff I knew I should be doing anyway but haven’t been. He did say the typical, “I promise I won’t bulk you up” girl thing but I understand that’s a silly stigma with women and weight training. Good sir, I used to deadlift my weight and looking imposing in a dark alley is on my lifegoals list, do your worst.

Then, he proceeded to absolutely wreck us with a very simple 30 minute 5 lb dumbbell workout. My arms were in pain for DAYS. And then we gave them a lot of money to continue to do this for us for the next year.

We decided on this for a few reasons:

1. Accountability. It’s not been a huge issue for me before, but 2020 just wrecked my momentum. Apparently, I need to feel like I’m going to let someone down beside myself if I don’t do the thing. Also, I have now PAID for someone to feel let down, so it’s both social and financial peer pressure!
2. Decision fatigue. I make a stupid crazy number of decisions per day at work. Not having to think about what I’m going to be doing at the gym lifts some of that fatigue.
3. Variety. I’m a creature of habit, I’ll do the same strength workouts over and over because they generally work. However, with our assessments, it was determined that we did a great job maintaining our large muscles, but could do better with the smaller/stabilizer muscles. This will help with that

We went the first week on Monday and Wednesday with Tim and then Friday with Adrian. Tim was awesome, but I think Adrian is our dude. He does triathlon (sprints), so while he doesn’t quite understand the insanity we’re about to embark on with Ironman, he does get endurance sports a little bit. He’s focused on body composition and injury prevention, which is really what we need right now vs GETTIN SWOLE.

This is week two. Our goal is to stay on the one day per week plan with a trainer, and two days where they write workouts for us and we show up and do them. We do have the option if we start falling off to book more sessions per week; we’ll just chew through our funds a little faster, as right now we’ve prepaid for about a year at the once-per-week rate. For all my skepticism spending money on this at first, I have no regrets. This is what I need right now for all those reasons above.

My big fall goal after Kerrville was to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. No, not the real one downtown with the mass of humanity, but a similar one around my neighborhood. The key goal: 5 miles without walking. I was all set to gradually ramp up to it, but then see above for how my weeks have fared. See below for my training plan:

• October 29th – 1.5 miles
• October 31st – 2 miles
• November 3rd – 2.5 miles
• November 8th – 2.5 miles
• November 22nd – 3.1 miles
• Thanksgiving – 5 miles

This is a “do as I say, not as I do” moment, but it is what it is. The turning point has been I can honestly say the last two runs, for the first time in well over a year, were entirely without back pain. I set out on Monday to run until I felt any slight discomfort or 3.1 miles. Same with yesterday and 5 miles. I’m slow as sh*t, my heartrate is through the roof at what feels like a relaxed pace. However, somewhere between the last chiropractor adjustment and finally adding some strength training, this seems to be the last piece of the recovery puzzle. Beyond just the physical activity benefits, this enables me to do the most wonderful thing I’ve been missing for the last 20 months. I can kick myself out my door with just my running shoes, music, and a head full of thinky thoughts and process them while I put one foot in front of the other for some sizable amount of time. I have been kicking myself at why I have been able to allow all this lovely fall weather pass by without me running in it. I think the answer is above. This week, I finally regained the ability to truly enjoy running instead of faking it.

And running right now should probably be the priority (after weight training), followed by biking and then swimming. I have a half marathon in January. Ramping quickly is doable for me but is sooooo risky for injuries. If I can (sanely this time, please) increase my long run 1 mile a week, very likely I can actually trot along comfortably at my 11:5x pace for 13.1 miles and that would be enough for me to joyfully kick off 2022. I cam build pretty quickly on the bike, but we are eyeballing the normal early February 6 hour race as Ironman prep, so I need to have at least some 3-4 hour rides under my belt before we tackle that one. Swimming is lowest on the totem pole, it takes me very little time to ramp even after a long time away, and there’s very little injury risk. For the rest of 2021, I will be swimming for injury prevention (does wonders for stretching out my back) and enjoyment (it’s another one of those active meditation exercises for me that helps unspool my brain), but no stress in terms of race prep if I mostly ignore the pool until January.

For now, the focus is consistency, establishing good habits, and conquering the stupid voice in my head that says work is more important than all this. And it doesn’t have to be either or. Yes, I need to be away from my desk but I got some DAMN good (in my head focus) work done on the 5-mile run. I’ve mostly worked through a 40-minute lunch trainer ride on my phone. Just like I was playing D&D online or Bloodbowl practice games whilst finishing my trainer rides in 2020 when I was hell bent on not giving up other hobbies for Ironman, I can make this multitasking happen for work as well.

Hopefully this new road I’m following goes somewhere else than hell, and is paved with something sturdier than just intent.

How is it November? I mean, all the things happened, but really quickly, and now we have two months left of 2021. Uh… what?

I intentionally took October a little chill in terms of training. We went on lots of “spookywalks” after work to check out the Halloween decorations in the hood, and I kept up with weights twice a week most weeks, but ignored my bike, my running shoes, and the pool was right out. However, in the last week, I realized that I am a better human when I have some swimming, biking, and running in my day, so I’m working on getting back to that.

I also started tracking my calories and weight when I returned from vacation. The scale was not kind, but it could have been worse and I’m trying to do this thing with the weight through the end of the year, even if it’s during what is normally “the fall stall” (as in, stalling any sort of progress). Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are days, not months, and I shall aim to remember that. It’s been challenging, not going to lie. To be honest, for a few weeks it was going in the right direction, but then a few things happened:

1. Joel wrecked his back, and he’s mostly out for a few weeks. This shouldn’t matter because mine is actually behaving just fine, but having someone else motivating me to do stuff helps.
2. The weather changed, finally. On the positive, I can get outside almost at any point of the day. On the other hand, I’m not forced to get my workout done so some days it’s lead to me putting it off until never.
3. I splurged a little bit Halloween weekend, the scale went up, and now I’m frustrated with it and have been rebelling by “forgetting to weigh myself” this week.
4. I’m in this spiral where I get stressed about something, I sleep terribly, I’m tired, I skip my workout, I’m stressed, I sleep terribly, I’m tired, etc. I haven’t done any sort of training for three days and my garmin watch still says I have 36 hours of recovery due to poor sleep and stress.

Hallo self sabotage, my old friend. I need to fix this. Ironman Texas is in about 6 months and while I’m not ready to have an official training plan, I need to get back out there so I don’t lose the base I built this summer.

Let’s try this. I still need some time to be able to not have a training schedule but I need to go swim/bike/run/weights. So, I’m going to try a list of what I need to do next week. No paces, no assigned times. Just a get-er-done list.

• Run 2.5, 3, and 3.5 miles since we have absolutely gorgeous weather next week
• Bike 30 mins and 1 hour
• Swim twice, and no less than 1k yards each time
• Weights and stretch at least twice

And, just like all my plans until they get foiled, eat 1200 calories + activity each day.

Because I acknowledge I work better with a plan, I’m going to TRY for this:

• Monday: 30m bike, 2.5m run AM
• Tuesday: weights and swim, PM
• Wednesday: spin class at 5:30pm
• Thursday: weights AM (home)/walk
• Friday: off/walk
• Saturday: 3.5 mile run, swim
• Sunday: off/walk

Yeah, this is frontloading the week (when I have more motivation, it seems) and yeah, it’s missing one run (I’ll see if I can figure it out, or maybe two is enough). I know if I can make it a habit, it makes me less stressed, happier, healthier, and I sleep better, and life just continues to improve on whatever the opposite of a vicious cycle is.

Yeah, I could really use the opposite of not being able to relax, not being able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night, having crappy dreams, and feeling a stress hangover (tired, braindead, head foggy) at the end of each day. And I really want to WANT to get out there and be active. So, I’ll need to fake it until I make it. Starting today.

We realized we needed to remove some friction, so we decided to get a second gym membership. I still love Lifetime, but it’s not convenient while working from home. LA fitness is a little more bare bones, but it has all the basics we need (pool, cardio machines, a huge weights floor, some classes) and it’s about half a mile from the house. I’m hoping this will be a good investment into Ironman training since we will be working at least part time from home through the race. I just have to have the little bit of momentum it takes to get my arse out of the house and half a mile down the road.

I have learned a thing this month, and that thing is never ever ever go back to work for 3 days after a long weekend of racing and then leave again for a week.

I was exhausted and mostly ate, slept, and worked all the hours from the time I returned on Tuesday until 5 minutes before we had to leave on Sunday morning. However, I finished everything I absolutely had to, and closed my office door knowing I gave it my all and headed out on vacation with a lighter conscience, so, worth it, I guess.

This was the Liberty of the Sea’s first official trip out (except for a test cruise the month before) since March 2020, so we were able to enjoy lots of onboard credit and a very refreshed and excited crew at the mere cost of some minor hiccups like the phones not working for the first day or two and dinner reservations being difficult to maneuver in their new system. I expected to be kinda skeeved out by the mass of humanity, but it wasn’t too bad for a few reasons.

#1. Masks were required almost everywhere and they legit hunted you down to remind you if you forgot.

#2 We had a balcony room, which we have resolved to never ever go without again, so we were able to get some fresh air and relax outside without being around other people.

#3 They were at about 1/3 capacity so it wasn’t the crush of humanity I was expecting.

The ship stopped in Cozumel, Costa Maya, and Roatan. We uncharacteristically skipped diving altogether, and just went snorkeling in Cozumel and Roatan, and enjoyed an even less crowded ship on the Costa Maya port day and hung out at the pool. We didn’t want to lug all the gear, and didn’t want to do the boat dive with newbies on the ship thing everywhere, and since we just dove Cozumel months before, we decided it could saved for the next trip. I forgot how much WORK snorkeling is compared to diving. All the kicking and diving down to get pictures was worth it, but definitely tuckered me out after a few hours of it!

Except for those two port days, we kinda got into a pleasant vacation routine. Having natural light in the room meant I woke up pretty close to sunrise. I’d snap a few pictures on the balcony, a few mornings we got breakfast or coffee delivered and I’d enjoy the morning fresh air and sun. If not, I’d crawl back into bed and read and nap a bit before we set out for a bite to eat.

After that, we’d leisurely hit the gym. I have officially sworn off running on the ship because it’s super easy to tweak something with a rocking boat, but I was super happy to play with the elliptical (running lite) and lift weights every other day. Every session ended with a super long stretch. It sounds weird to say how novel it was to hit the gym for an hour + most days, but it truly was. No dragging myself out of bed, complaining because it’s either a workout or some actual rare monofocus time before the day really gets going, and finishing when I actually feel like it vs when I have to pry myself away 5 seconds before the next thing in the day starts. Just… doing stuff. When I wanna do stuff. For as long as I wanna do it. Bliss.

Then, we’d meet my parents for lunch after the daily sweat session. The Windjammer served your typical cruise buffet faire, though they had this killer sandwich station that I frequented more often than anything else, and a killer Indian food section Joel and my mom loved. One difference from usualy – the desserts were actually pretty top notch. I typically pass and save my sweets for one dessert a day for dinner but I indulged. I legit ate too much this trip. I’m happy I didn’t gain a bunch of weight (probably due to the workouts, all the walking, and epic snorkeling trips) but I certainly didn’t lose any.

In the afternoons, we’d play some cards with the parents, sometimes we’d hit the the pool, and occasionally we’d read and nap, or on good days, we’d make time for all three. As the sun set, we’d often have a glass/bottle (hey, it’s vacation) of wine on the balcony and read before we had to get ready for dinner. If I’ve mentioned reading a lot, I finished four books on this trip. Vacation is for voracious reading.

We have been on this ship and had this particular week of dinner menu items before and it’s always a good gustatory experience with lobster night and lots of seafood and other interesting dishes to try. This time though, since we were there on the week of our anniversary, the fam splurged on us and we all went to the steakhouse, Chops, for fancy dinner night. The pretzel bread, greuyere tater tots and delicious cheesecake were carbtastic highlights of the meal. Oh, and the filet mignon was pretty great too. I’ve had better but only on our grill in recent memory, so they did just fine with their signature dish. We found out that the same menu is available at lunch for half the price, so we may try that next time.

I’m not sure if it was our dinnertime was pretty late (7:30) or that we crashed into this vacation super exhausted already or that we’re getting old, but dinner usually ended the day’s adventures outside of the room – pajamas were quickly donned and we either read books on the balcony or curled up in bed. Occasionally there was more wine on said balcony. Occasionally we just drifted off to sleep on full bellies, anticipating another glorious balcony sunrise. Once, I had to dig out the earplugs, but they solved the problem. 🙂

Once, however, we made it to the ice show. Weirdly, the 45 minute spectacle triggered a few deep thoughts (okay, at least slightly more profound than “what should I have for lunch?”) and one of them was whilst watching the cast on their first show back in a year and a half – they fell. A lot. But they looked damn happy to be back out there performing and we were happy to be watching them. No one cared. It was cool to watch a human do exciting things live and we all clapped and smiled and enjoyed ourselves and no one complained except maybe my parents and it’s simply because their happy place is to find all the things that are wrong and talk about them on cruises!

I may not be the same person I was before the pandemic – I am a bit softer (mentally and physically), and I’m out of practice spinning ALL THE PLATES and it’s much harder to hide my failures under a veneer of perfectionism right now. It’s okay. The cast wasn’t the same either. Maybe no one is the same. Maybe it’s okay to have utterly failed at returning my body to it’s early 2020 form just yet and maybe I can forgive myself for losing my words by late afternoon meetings after I’ve been in them all day back to back to back to back and not having the witty retort right on my lips at all times isn’t the highest sin and failure. Maybe it’s okay to fall down in public with everyone watching me as long as it’s with style and I get up and smile, give a cheeky bow, and continue on with life.

I’ve been feeling a touch of the imposter syndrome lately. This year, I’ve taken on some new duties in the position to which I was promoted – though this was just a slight evolution of what I was doing already, just in a more official capacity. Then, I took on more things because of the position which I aspire to next and no one was doing them and I just can’t see something undone and not solve the problem. And then, there’s yet more positions I still need to fill, that I’m subbing in for until I can find the right human. I’m doing none of this at the full capacity in which I could if I could just focus on one thing, even for a week, maybe even for a day. I’ve joked that work right now feels at best like I’m failing lightly at a lot of things, but it causes my inner perfectionist (that jerk) to trigger the thoughts like “well, you’re not nearly as good at this as the previous person who did it” and that just feels bad, man.

About day three, after my brain defragged a bit, I realized that’s nonsense. I may not be as good as the four other humans that were doing the jobs I am doing now in each moment, but I’m what they’ve got, and I’ll do the best I can until I can find someone better to do it.

A little time away from the daily crush of OMG all the things reminded me that all the things I was putting off “until all this Covid crap is over” are probably more overdue than I want to admit. Going into vacation, I lamented that I hadn’t had a real haircut since Nov 2019 (Joel kindly removed about 6 inches of split ends about a year ago but that was it) and I didn’t really have time to do anything about it. I stopped using the 25$ shampoo once I stopped leaving the house and figured I’d get back to giving a crap and that was cute and fine if it was a few weeks or months, but after years, it’s not a reprieve, it’s just what I look like, and there’s a reason I don’t take a lot of non-doctored selfie angle pictures lately – I don’t like it.

My husband, hero, and ignorer of my BS, booked me a haircut on the ship the first full day. I’ve come to realize lately that I am in the fortunate situation where I have more money than time, so I ignored my inner cheap skate whining about the cost and also my inner tomboy whining about spending time in a salon vs almost any other fun activity that would ruin my hair instead of make it pretty and just went with it. When it came time, I sat down in the chair and he actually even upsold me on doing color too. I picked something kinda close to my natural, just a little darker and redder, and he spent two hours taking my hair from the absolute rats nest it had become to this…

Since then, I realized that life is too short to feel bad about yourself in ways that you can absolutely control, so I’m back on the 25$ shampoo. Even if I’m in headphones all day. I need to take baby steps back to normal human life again, and that includes being confident and happy in my meatbag.

All in all, the week away was super nice, though we both lamented we could use another week (maybe with a little less eating and a little more sleeping) because there was no rest for the weary. The moment I returned home on Sunday, I had a Bloodbowl league match scheduled and then I had to work for about four hours prepping for a presentation the next day, and life has been pretty much the normal chaos ever since, which is why I have been attempting to pen this recap for about two weeks during stolen moments of quietude.

I fully did not expect to enjoy this vacation as much as I did, so much so that we’re actually looking at taking another cruise in January, just us. It’s exactly what we need right now. There are a few days we can go adventure in port, but not being in those locations for longer means I won’t feel pressure to MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY like when we go to a dive resort. On sea days, sign me up for a balcony, a book, all the room service I can order, and quiet days with no obligations.