Adjusted Reality

Tag: navel gazing Page 28 of 29

On Self Sabatoge

On September 4, 2009

Imagine your dream. No, not the delicious turkey sandwich you’re dreaming of for lunch, but something that has been a long term, professional and/or personal dream. Maybe you just got handed a publishing contract for your new book. Maybe you finally qualified for the Boston Marathon. Maybe you found the perfect love of your life. What’s the last thing you’d expect your reaction would be? That’s right, running away and screaming.

So why is that my first instinct everytime I get the opportunity for something cool?

On my super exciting news I won’t be able to talk about for years and years, I was rightfully super excited the first day after I found out, and then after – I realized I felt lost and very self-doubting. Zliten was pretty incredulous how blah I was being about it. I spent a while berating myself about it. When did I become the kind of person that was more comfortable being mediocre? When did I become the kind of person that is afraid of success? At what point in my life did I stop wanting to reach for the stars? Then there was the frustration at how long it was taking me to think things through. When did I become so rusty? Am I just too old to be a rockstar? Is this not really what I want anymore?

All of a sudden, it dawned on me. It’s just like when I hit the gym after a looooong hiatus 2 years ago. When I got back on the eliptical for the first time, it was FRUSTRATING as hell that something that once came so easy to me was now like trudging through mud. Running my first mile took almost a year and I just about collapsed dead after. Doing a pushup from my toes took over a year and I certainly wasn’t just busting out 3 sets of 25 like I am now. All things I’ve done before. All things I am better at now than I was before ever in my life. I was just out of practice and it took time.

One I realized this, I felt much, much better and was able to make some progress. I’m still feeling very slow but it’s ok. It’s not a switch I can flip, and I don’t think my bosses expect that. I have some time to get my head where it needs to be. Just as I don’t expect perfection (though I strive for it) in my eating and exercising habits, I don’t need to hold myself to an unreasonable standard in other aspects of life.

Now, I’m excited and optimistic, as I should be. Still have a little bit of the butterflies but those will clear away once things get settled. And that’s an awesome way to go into a three day weekend. What other areas of your life can YOU apply the lessons you’ve learned in forging your way into a healthy lifestyle? Anyone got super awesome plans for the long weekend?

Barbarians In Past Lives

By Quix

On September 2, 2009

In Uncategorized

I hate when I have to be vague about things that happen in my life, but this is one of those times. I have some potentially awesome stuff in my future, but I have to be incredibly tight lipped about it for a long ass time. However, I alone own the emotions it is making me feel and memories I’m reflecting on, so I’ll talk about that instead.

One reason I started this blog was to become more comfortable with being honest and open on the internet. And, because I missed having a soapbox to stand on. As I said before, I am this weird combination of naive and trusting in a way that is totally not beneficial. I’ll open up and talk about my pooping habits but then flinch about talking about something totally random that shouldn’t make any difference. In another life and time a few years ago I was a bit of a big deal (not really) to a couple tens of thousands of people as the face of a game as Sapphyra, the big and brawny barbarian warrior with red hair and a bit of a penchant for drinking and beating people up. So pretty much, it wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the haircolor.

I was completely and totally ok being open about things in the game I probably shouldn’t have (hindsight is 20/20), but totally freaked out if someone posted anything REAL about me. I would have removed all pictures of me if I could have thought of any excuse to do so. Possibly because I was 200 goddamn million lbs and insecure about it, but I also felt like there should be a separation between the online me and the real me. When I walked out (amicably) of SOE over 2 years ago, I left a gigantic part of me behind. One of the people that played the game finally found me on twitter (hi Ronson!) but for the most part, I severed ties with that life. I always meant to put breadcrumbs out there to lead people to my next title, but the were extremely well hidden. If you make it through the first world of the game I shipped last year, you’d see it, as I named a tower after myself (as well as some items).

I miss those people in EQOA-world. I miss being a bit of an internet celebrity, as stupid as it sounds. I wish I would have let some of the cooler people in a bit more. I always felt like a little bit of an artifical wall was necessary. I wish I would have established myself with an identity I could take away and not let everything sort of die in a fire when I left. While the last 2 years has done wonders to my waistline, and I’ve accepted work was on the back burner due to my priorities elsewhere (operation: deporkify), my position in at my company (non-creative managerial), and the economy and personal circumstances (couldn’t just go out and grab my dream job, even if I wanted to leave the company I’m at), I have longed for something closer to what I used to do. With better hours, better pay, the actual title bump, and in a town I could afford actual real estate without winning the lotto, of course.

Now, it looks like I mightcouldpossiblyitsybitsychance could have at least some of that. It is now time to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds and get to work. So that I shall. I spent a long time thinking that I had blown my shot to do something great by leaving that barbarian behind, but I find myself about to potentially step into something just as cool if not cooler. I just had to wait for the right time. Now, I just have to not screw up.

Happy (Late) Blogoversary to Me

By Quix

On August 28, 2009

In Uncategorized

August 15, 2008, I put up a “Hello World” post. A week later, when I was done fiddling with things, I put up my first real post. Ever since, I’ve been yacking away at the internet multiple times a week. The actual anniversary date slipped by me, but I love anniversaries of sorts, as it gives me time to do a little year in review and think about what I’ve accomplished in a year.

What this blog was supposed to be:

I had originally decided I was going to try to dedicate time to each of my varied interests – gaming, health, cooking, fashion, deep thought, etc. However, it’s pretty clear which one of those took my focus this year. Between being painfully close-but-so-far away from the end of project: deporkify, and training for multiple races and other efforts, this definitely became a health-centric blog. I talk about (sometimes single mindedly) what is on my mind. I find it hard to write passionate posts about things I’m just not as interested in right now. All the posts were supposed to be well thought out, full of links and facts, and researched. I was trying for 4 posts per week. I also didn’t figure that anyone besides maybe Zliten would read it.

What this blog is:

Moody. Goes through stages. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s seething with frustration, and sometimes it’s vacant when I get too busy to update. Very much has “shiny syndrome” just like it’s owner does. I’d say overall it’s about 70% health/fitness, 10% cooking, 5% fashion, 5% games industry, 5% posts about fun times and 5% other. If I was less lazy about tags, I’d have a better idea. Lately it feels like my little whiny/ranty place, which I hope to change soon as stress subsides and life becomes a little more simple. Apparently it gets over 100 hits a day, which is just amazing to me. Who are you mystery readers? Why do you not leave comments? I like comments. The email that pings me saying I have a new comment? Makes my day. You want to make me happy, right? 🙂

Also, it evolved from requiring each post to be very well thought out/researched/etc to sometimes including brain dumps. It’s just me. If I was trying to be a pro-writer here, I’d refrain, but some of my favorite blogs simply talk about their day or the cool new recipe they tried or where they went for dinner, or what they wore. I try to weed out the super non-productive stuff, but sometimes it is mentally where I’m at, so I feel it would be less-than-honest to go off the radar until I’m able to write contructively again.

The Health/Fitness Blogger Community:

Is awesome. After I started realizing that my main focus was going to be health and fitness stuff, I started finding other blogs to see what they were up to. Over the year, I’ve come to love The Great Fitness Experiment, MizFit, FeedMeI’mCranky, Pasta Queen, Prior Fat Girl, and many many more. At first I was very timid with the commenting (I was never really the one to speak up in class voluntarily), but I kinda learned that – hey, I really love when people read and comment on my blog and when they do, I go check out their sites and sometimes if I likey enough, it gets a place on my yahoo reader. Fancy that, if I go be active and comment on other people’s sites, they might check mine out. I certainly am not a very popular blog, but that’s ok. I don’t try very hard. I haven’t made the jump to pimping my posts on facebook and twitter. I’m not sure I want to because I feel like I might have to censor myself more. I should get over that. But – first and foremost it’s my soapbox to shout up and my creative outlet, so getting that out of it is the most important thing to me.

Me, A Year Ago:

Me, about a year ago.

The vital stats – I was weighing in around 170 (so about 15 lbs heavier than I am now). I was running 4 miles max, in about 50 minutes. I had just stepped up my workouts to crazy-town and was about to go through one of the most hellacious months ever with my parents shacking up with us for a few weeks, a huge gaming conference in town, 3 birthday celebrations, and much much more. Fancy that, I was also simultaniously about to start to experience the post-100 lb loss beating of my head upon the wall which would continue on and off for the next year. The only months I saw significant loss were December, January, and February. Funny that, those were also the months I was doing 4 workout weeks. Maybe there IS something there… hmmmm…

I was just ending a long and stressful phase of work and shipping a game, which entailed a lot of crunch food and overtime and weekends at work and squeezing in workouts when I could. I was also less than enamored with my job at the time, and still not quite sure what to do with this new found athlete-y-ness I had uncovered in myself.

Where I would like to be in a year:

Blogwise – I have no idea. I’m pretty happy that I’ve found this community of people who are just as crazy as I am (coming from me, it’s a compliment). I’m still on the edges, peeking in, but enjoying

Me now. I'd like to be this + more awesome in a year...

myself. I’d like to go back a little more to Subject posts (about one particular thing) instead of the randomness and “this is how my day went” or “I’m having this problem” or whatever, but we shall see. Sometimes, you just have to write what you know.

Health/Fitness-wise – I have ideas. Please, dear fluffy lord, let me be at a weight which I can both live healthfully at and accept myself maintaining for the rest of my life? Whether it ends up being the 155 I am now or I get my arse in gear and down to 135 or whatever it ends up being where I go – “Ok, this is where we build the house.” I want to have done another half marathon and be in training (or planning training) for a full marathon. Failing that, a triathalon. I want to look in the mirror and see all the hard work I’m putting in for all that it is. I also want to finally be able to do *one damn pullup*.

Person-wise – I’m also not sure. I need to do some deep soul searching. I’ll be 31. I’ll have 30-35 good years left job-wise. For the last two years, I have been simply coasting. I need to think about what my next move is. Do I want to climb the ladder I’m on, or do I want to jump over to another one? What do I want to dedicate my free time to doing? From the post above, it sounds like a very training-filled year, but are there any creative and personal goals I want to accomplish? Is it time to start the novel? Is it time to quit my job, sell our house, and go live on a hippie commune? I have no idea. Right now, beyond athletic pursuits, I am just coasting and enjoying myself. And that’s ok, but not ok forever.

Deep thoughts for a Friday I know. Now, I want to know about you. Where were you a year ago? What’s changed? What do you want to accomplish in the next year? Do you enjoy reflecting on anniversaries or rather not think about it?

Set Adrift on the Sea of Anti-Bliss

By Quix

On August 25, 2009

In Uncategorized

I’m feeling a bit adrift this week. The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity. If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post. I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year. Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here. Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.

Weekly Recap:

So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity. Without further ado, here we go:

Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)

Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)

Total calorie average per day = 1563

Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.

This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale. So why am I frightened to get on it? Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.

Scale Woes:

The scale has become a big issue for me lately. I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control. However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that. If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month. I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks). I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week. Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s. But that 150 barrier is holding strong. I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week. The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2. I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good. And I can tell it’s not just scale weight. Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined. No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Mental Madness:

I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way. I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like. “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?” And the worst part – “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.” That’s the one that bothers me the most. Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to. I exercise like crazy. I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan. I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t. I think that’s what frustrates me. I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs. Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside – that would really, really be nice too.

The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts. I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something. And I have no desire to stop. It’s just the eating part. And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.

It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore. I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate. It was something I could incorporate with my life long term. Then it just stopped working. The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – not productive for me OR the wall.

I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me. Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight. I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right? Well, it’s not good enough. I’m NOT happy at this weight. I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy. I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life. And I’m not there yet.

The Plan:

This is the problem. I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”. I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later. The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t. And eat more and move less just seems like craziness. I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else. Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day. That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet. And maybe that fact should scare me too. The point is-

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM. ARGHHHH!

I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return. However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress. I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.

So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-

1. Get on the scale every day. Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world. Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.

2. Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can. Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg. Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week). Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time. Bleh.

3. Lower my (unreasonable) expectations. If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding. I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.

4. Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s. I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately. I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else. I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine. Fried shrimp will still exist later.

5. Try not to let any of this affect my mood. I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year). I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle. I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes. I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day. My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.

Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post. Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed. icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute. 🙂

It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

By Quix

On August 14, 2009

In Uncategorized

Earlier in the week, it totally would have been on notice...

Since I’ve gotten back, it’s been an emotional and mental rollercoaster over here. The three pronged attack on my psyche has been:

A) A MAJOR shakeup at work. It started Tuesday morning and didn’t involve me, but happened all around me. I have gone from pleased to pissed to disappointed to feeling lost to feeling like a part of the team and back again. As the dust settles, I think things are going to work out alright. I just really need to stay on top of myself and not retreat when I feel like I’m being ignored or I’m not needed. I have been given permission to butt in on anything I need to, and once you give me permission – hoo boy, you better hope you meant it.

B) Going, as of Monday, to a truly one income household that doesn’t take enough in to pay the bills. As of the time of penning this, Zliten is currently camping his email box waiting to hear back about a promising interview. This is making life very tense this week. Essentially, if this falls through, it’s take-whatever-he-can-get mode which is not optimal in any way. It’s a really sad sign of the market when someone that has 4+ years in their position and 8 years in the game industry that has shipped more titles than everyone in his last interview COMBINED is a year unemployed and on pins and needles for a contract job paying probably about half what his last position paid.

C) The ridiculous reason – those 5 lbs. I know I deserved it because of the way I ate through NOLA with reckless abandon, but it still weighed heavily on my mood. I wrote up a ton of crazy emo thoughts and decided NOT to post them here. I’m glad I didn’t because while it was not ultimately unproductive to think and go through the emotions (it rarely is), it’s not something I needed help with or to share. It might help that I’m down 2 lbs today from my 157.6!!! but it’s also just accepting my fate. I am NOT going to give into the temptation to do 2 hours of intense cardio per day and eat like a bird. I am going to go back to my normal workout schedule and my normal intake of healthy foods. It might take 2 weeks to get back to where I was instead of a few days like normal, but it’s probably better for me.

So, instead of the whining I was going to do, I am going to post the lessons I’ve learned this week:

-Even if it feels self-indulgent, speak up and state my opinion, intentions, and desires. I am a big champion of communication flow, but I was waiting for members of my team to read my mind instead of speaking up about what was grinding my gears.

-Not everyone is looking for a way to screw me over, so I shouldn’t be paranoid, but sometimes it does happen, so I should stay aware. I am this strange combination of naive and distrusting, and it does me a disservice sometimes.

-Be confident. No real qualifier here. I have this real bad tendency to retreat into my comfort zone when things get rough and no one is pushing me (very much unlike my workouts), I need to say screw it and go storm castles when I need to.

-Save when you can, even if it seems silly. We would be in a world of hurt right now without a savings account. Always save some for a rainy day, and just hope you don’t need it.

-The grass is always greener. Right when Zliten got laid off, I was extremely a little jealous. I was badly burnt out and thought I needed some extended time off. After a year, I am, even on stressful days, reasonably glad to be employed rather than sitting at home.

-Go crazy on vacations, but not so crazy. Going out of town does not empower you to eat fried foods at every meal and not gain weight (and not even scale related, I felt like CRAP this week, my body is working out all the ick). Moderately crazy is better.

-The actual losing weight thing that is the root of the problem? Still figuring it out. It is going to be a fucking long hard road to get from 150-something to 1-2/3/4-something that makes me content. I am going to get pissed and frustrated and lost and confused and want to cry about it but you know what? That is what it is. I am allowed to be upset and grumpy about things sometimes. I do not have to accept it. I can be dissatisfied with myself without losing my self worth. I have to remember that last part though. I may not be happy I gained weight, but I don’t lose the ability to call myself a fit and healthy person simply because the scale climbed over 155.

That is all, campers. Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you bright and shiny Monday with more words about another topic. Funny how that works. What did you learn this week? Any tough times you want to vent about? Come lay down on the couch and I’ll get out the notepad…

Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: navel gazing Page 28 of 29

On Self Sabatoge

Barbarians In Past Lives

Happy (Late) Blogoversary to Me

Set Adrift on the Sea of Anti-Bliss

It’s Been a Hell of a Week…

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