Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Tag: navel gazing Page 7 of 29

Sticks and Stones

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On July 13, 2018

In Uncategorized

Sunday, after unloading the car, eating, showering, and enjoying my comfortable couch for a while, I started to become curious as to what my camera had captured with the FIVE HUNDRED pictures I took at Krause Springs.

The spot really photographs itself, even with a cell phone camera (haven’t touched the real ones yet).

In context, I took SEVEN HUNDRED on the cruise, so apparently I average approximately a hundred shots per day while in pretty places.  Since I had plenty of time with the small piece of land we were camping on, I experimented a lot with different modes and exposures and settings and I was excited to see what worked and what didn’t.  I didn’t worry TOO MUCH about getting the perfect shot, as it’s a place I could easily return to on a weekend day trip. 

Before digging in, I realized that I needed to be tough with myself about finishing projects before I start a new one.  I had the top 10 “application package” photos from the cruise picked out and ready to edit, and as someone with “squirrel” syndrome, I knew I needed to finish those first and put that project to bed.  I probably spent too much time agonizing over making them perfect on Sunday but I wanted to give myself the best shot of being accepted.

This week, I bit the bullet and submitted my photos all around the internets.

  • Submitted to a contest.  If you have a sec, vote my scuba photo up (you don’t even have to register or anything).
  • Got involved with Nat Geo Your Shot and submitted some photos to the We Love Animals Assignment.  It seems like a really neat community that I hope to continue to involve myself in.
  • Submitted eight of my best photos to Getty/iStock, Shutterstock, and Adobe Stock.

This being one of my favorites…

As you can see by the links (even though right now the first one isn’t working yet :P), I’ve been accepted to two out of the three, the first within 24 hours and the second well within 48.  Also, ALL the photos I submitted were accepted. 

At first I was insanely pleased.  Then, as I tend to do, the doubt creeps in… maybe EVERYONE gets in and this is like a participation trophy.  I poked around the internet and in fact that is NOT the case, it’s actually a pretty nice accomplishment to do that on the first try, and iStock/Getty can take up to a month or more to get back to you sometimes, so I’m back to feeling pretty great about things. 

After going through the process, I now know my insanely high quality bar is above theirs.  And, the fact is, you have the best chance in making sales by having a HUGE portfolio.  Now it’s time to test the limits and see what flies.  Obviously I don’t want to put up a bunch of crap, but I have at least 15 more shots that I agonized over which were great but not my top 10.  Also, I have some stunning shots from Bonaire that more than meet the resolution requirements of 4 mexapixels or more but aren’t as high quality.  I’m going to gather up some of those and start submitting over the coming weeks.  I don’t want to rack up a nasty rejection rate because on some sites that matters, so I’ll take it slow, but it’s nice to know that at very least the best of what I’m doing meets the quality standards needed.

I feel like this one now might suffice even if it’s not *quite* as high quality.

In the future, I think I’ll pick out my absolute best ones and put them aside for amazing opportunities and submissions to stuff like this, but I don’t regret putting my best foot forward for the application process.

This is a lot of words about photography and process on a blog that is mostly triathlon and food and sometimes navel gazing – but I’m getting to that last one, I promise.  My theme for the year, in triathlon, in #projectraceweight, in my creative pursuits like writing, photography, one-take videos, it’s been all about GETTING OUT OF MY OWN WAY. 

Sometimes when you have a little confidence in yourself, awesome things happen.

Surprising no one but myself, my quality bar for myself to feel worthy of something is apparently much higher than the world’s.  Sometimes I have remember to lower my expectations and get moving.  I’m not sure when NO or FAILURE or NOT GOOD ENOUGH TRY AGAIN became fearful things, and I’ve been able to hide it well with a veil of apathy in the past, but I was never that kind of a kid.  I didn’t stand under the high dive going “eh, I don’t want to do that, looks lame (read: scary)”.  I was the one climbing the stairs repeatedly to free fall as many times as the day would let me.  Yeah, sometimes I’d over or under-rotate and smack my body on the water and be temporarily in pain, but that didn’t prohibit me from trying again.

It’s the same with these opportunities.  A “smack” isn’t anything to fear, and a proverbial smack is even less of an issue, there’s not physical pain or red welts to go with it, just some hurt feelers.  If I set a goal and I don’t reach it, it’s not that I’m a horrible human being, it’s that I still have some work to do in that areas and god forbid I wasn’t perfect the first time.  However, it’s actually pretty nice to be perfect the first time when you can be. 🙂

There’s one common thread that I’ll need to face here soon.  I have this little corner of the internet, Adjusted Reality.  I have social media accounts.  I have a You Tube channel.  I plan to set up either a section of Adjusted Reality for photography or maybe make a standalone site for it.  I have a book that eventually I will finish editing and I’ll want to share it with the world.  There’s all sorts of crazy future plans too but this is what’s in the hopper RIGHT NOW.

(my feelings right now about self-marketing…)

If I want to make the leap from a couple hundred followers on Insta and Twitter, somewhere between 100-1000 (if I’m lucky) page views here, and crickets pretty much everywhere else, I’m going to need to get a little more outgoing.  If my content is good (which is subjective, but I need to believe in it to market it, so I will), that’s one piece.  That’s what I’m working on now, creating quality content, including the content of my actual body (#projectraceweight), and my basket of accomplishments (Nationals Qualifier, Stock Photographer, etc).

However, eventually, I’m going to need to learn how to make my voice heard in all the noise.  It’s not enough to just be out there, as much as I wish it was with all my heart.  You have to SHOUT from the rooftops to get heard in all the noise.  I’m getting better at being out there and even interacting with people on social media without feeling like a creeper (being part of the #wattagebrigade has really helped here).  But I’m really terrible about actually “hawking my wares”, so to speak.

Here are my two issues:

Knowledge: I’m not an expert in this stuff.  I’m learning as I can, but I really do feel like I could use a course specifically on how to market yourself.  I want to pay someone who is an authority in this some money and have them dump all the knowledge on me so I can take copious notes and develop a foolproof plan and checklist of all the things I need to do to dominate the world.

This is fixable with some time and money, and something I’m going to prioritize in the next offseason.  However, I’m never going to get anywhere with that until I fully deal with the second thing…

Confidence: By uncovering the fact that I was using apathy to cover for insecurity, I’ve made a lot of strides here.  Whenever I start feeling ennui about something that I was excited about, I try to analyze what happened.  Sometimes it’s true *overwhelm*, which is valid and means I need to focus on LESS at that particular moment.  However, sometimes, it’s just that the reality of what I’m about to do (submit a photo for critique, toe the line of a triathlon, be goofy on camera, publish some writing) makes me a little uncomfortable.  Generally, I’m at the point where I can get over it and do it and it’s great.

Feels good, man.

However, the next step is to actually let people know it’s there, which feels like sticking my hand into the fire yet again, after it’s burning hotter.  I ALREADY did the uncomfortable thing and put it out there, now I literally have to shout to call attention to this vulnerable thing that I have done!  Hello!  Here it is!  Come check out this little piece of my soul and pick it apart, everyone!  Previously, I was convinced it was all knowledge I lacked, but now I’ve found that I’ve hesitated to take steps that would increase visibility on various work I’ve done.  I’ve made various excuses about that but it honestly boils down to confidence in my self, and the confidence to be vulnerable to an audience that could potentially call me not nice names.

But as they say, sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.  I’ve spent 2018 creating and it has felt AMAZING.  I’ve gotten over a lot of things and have put my work out into the world and will continue to do so.  Soon, though, my goal is to figure out how to confidently hawk my wares, both technically and also having the chutzpah to not just do a thing, but also point and it while shouting it’s praises.

Post Spring Season Decompression

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On June 29, 2018

In Uncategorized

I’ve had almost two weeks to reflect (and also not do a whole lot of serious training), I wanted to document what has absolutely been my most successful season ever.

First of all, let’s talk about the races.  Honestly, all five triathlons so far this year would rank up in my great races of all time, but as long as we know we’re comparing unicorns with rainbows, here’s the order in which I feel I performed:

#1 – Pflugerville (3rd AG).  This was my best bike result by far.  For all 5 legs (swim bike run and transitions), I got a PR.  Best of all, getting 3rd in my age group with my BSS team there supporting me was the thing that was kind of missing at the “away games”.  Also, I do this race every year, so it’s a great measuring stick against where I’m at with my training.  Considering it was a huge PR, it’s proof I really actually have improved a lot.

#2 – Texasman (3rd AG/7th OA F).  The mass female start made me feel like I was actually able to RACE for the overall placement against people vs just kicking my own ass as hard as I could and hoping for the best.  I knew where I was in the race at all times after the bike turnaround and that was fun and motivating.  I think it was my most aggressive and gutsy bike, my best run, and it was super cool to hear them calling out 3rd female in as I got to T2.

#3 – No Label (1st AG).  This was the huge confidence booster (and the first National qualifier).  I had no idea how I was going to do, coming off some serious lifting and annoying injuries and some frankly disappointing races in winter.  I enjoyed the hell out of the super flat bike course even if it was a little chip seal-y at times, and I still maintain that I only won my age group because it was a point to point run to a brewery.

#4 – Windcrest (1st AG/3rd OA F).  While it’s hard to rank a race that I won my age group and placed 3rd overall female so low, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t my best performance physically or mentally.  I was just getting over being sick, the bike course didn’t play to my strengths and that frustrated me, and I let a minor gear issue (my race belt missing) mess with my head on the run for longer than it should have and I didn’t run to my potential because of it.

#5 – Rookie (4th AG).  Any other season, this would have been the highlight of it.  A 3 minute PR in an 66 minute race is nothing to sneeze at.  It was the first measure of my bike prowess on a course I’d done before and I blew away my expectations.  However, I died a little on the run when the course changed and they threw an unexpected hill at us, and watching someone just FLY past me half a mile from the finish (to ultimately take 3rd place) was humbling.  While 4th was an amazing result compared to how I’ve ever done here before, it was the only race this spring where I missed the podium in my age group.

I’ve learned a lot this season (even if some of this was re-learning, ahem).

Weight training and recovery are probably the most important factors for me succeeding at sprint triathlons right now.  Because I have so much previous base, there’s no reason I need to go out and swim, ride, and run a lot.  To build the power needed at the short distances I need to be strong, and I need to be fresh.  When I get to the point where my legs don’t feel like the limiting factor in my run, this could change, but I have miles to go before that happens.

I’ve nailed my day before, pre-race, and race nutrition.  For reference:

  • Day before:
    • Normal breakfast (yogurt and berries, protein bar or shake, bean and cheese breakfast tacos, etc).
    • Turkey sandwich on wheat for lunch.
    • Chicken, potato, and salad for dinner.
    • Snacks as hungry, like jerky, nuts, fruit.
  • Day of:
    • Earl grey tea, two caffeinated jelly beans, and a whole wheat english muffin with sun butter and honey about 2-3 hours before start.
    • The entirety of my sprint nutrition plan is: a salted watermelon caffeinated gel as early as possible on the bike, and whatever diluted gatorade I can (usually between 4-10 sips) and whatever water I can throw at my face during the run.  Besides that gel, I really don’t need much for 60-90 minutes.
    • Eat something with some protein (real food) as soon as possible after the race or I’ll be a hunger monster all day.  Pizza is actually a great immediate post race food.
    • Have easy to make healthy nutritious food on hand and try to not go over the calories burnt.  Maintaining a deficit on race day is just about impossible, so let that go.  For Pflugerville, I had a chef salad and veggies and dip ready to go in the fridge to eat right away.  That was probably the best I’ve felt post race in a while.

I have yet to have a bad race while camping.  Just sayin’.  It just feels right sleeping in the pop up and spending time outside in the quiet, something about it helps me FOCUS and then UNWIND better vs having all the distractions of home around.  I thought I was done with it for the year and I’m excited to have added one more race so I get to do it again!

When I *do* swim, bike, and run, the intensity needs to be there regularly.  We are what we repeatedly do, and by taking the pressure off with less volume (averaging about 5 hours a week since March), I get the opportunity to do things at race pace more often.  I think this is most important with running, because I rarely tend to pull out anything in a race I can’t do, or actually do even a little better in practice.  If all I’m doing is running slow, that’s probably how my race is going to go.

I’ve also come up with a great pre-race preparation schedule which involves:

  • Laying out my gear and practicing transitions three times before packing it up to go has helped me to be more confident and quicker in transitions (and I never forget anything important!).
  • Going over my day at least once before I go to bed.  I start when I wake up and walk myself through a successful day.  I mean, even the mundane stuff – wake up, make tea, eat english muffin, use bathroom, put on kit… it helps me cruise through my morning with less stress since I’ve practiced!
  • Making some solo time race morning to go internal and psych myself up before the start.  I didn’t really need the whole “race day persona” thing I was trying out last year, I just needed some time to focus and get my game face on for the day.

And finally, while ~15 lbs doesn’t sound like much, I feel like it’s made a world of difference on the bike and starting to do good things on the run.  I think I’m nearing the end of what I will call my “cutting” phase, and the weight loss is slowing, but it’s been really nice to carry one less pink kettlebell around on my body.

I have a lot of thoughts about the second half of the year, but that’s a heck of a lot more words for another post!

Mayflowers bring pilgrims. And also June.

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On June 7, 2018

In Uncategorized

It’s June.  How the heck did that happen?

How has it been almost FIVE weeks since this? ><

I know May was a thing but I swear it was shorter than normal, but vacation and being sick does tend to contribute to a weird space time vortex where days disappear faster than the average bear.

After placing some things below the threshold of my attention right now, let me give an update on the things that actually do matter to me.

Training/Racing:

I raced Rookie, and ended up in that 4th slot just off the podium by less than one minute.  While that in and of itself was disappointing, I was something like 11th the last time I raced here and I had almost a 3 minute PR (on a race that’s a little over an hour), there’s clear improvement.  The girl who busted by me like a gazelle running 6-minute miles with half a mile to go clearly deserved the last slot on the podium, so no bad mojo there.

Then, I trained some, not as much as April but more than March.

  • Running: 5 runs for 15 miles + 3.1 miles at a running pace on the elliptical (running on a rocky ship has done me in before, so I don’t do it anymore).
  • Biking: 8 rides for 104 miles.  Not as much as I would have liked but this is where being sick and on vacation really hit my totals.
  • Swim: 6.6k for 6 swims.  As it gets hotter, I’ll do more of this organically.  Looking forward to it, actually!
  • Weights: 10 sessions.  I’m actually quite proud of this.  #getstrong
  • Other: 3 hours scuba diving, 5 hours snorkeling
  • Total: 26.5 hours.  While it feels like nothing, it’s just under an hour every day, and this doesn’t count my walks.  I’m approaching exercise like a healthy normal person!  Feels weird, man.

This month, I’ve got two back to back races again, a little downtime, and then I need to pick a strategy.

First, the races.  I’ll be racing the Windcrest Freshman Triathlon this weekend.  I feel a little cheesy about it, as it’s marketed as a beginner triathlon with a 200m pool swim, 10 mile bike, and 2 mile run, and this is not even close to my first rodeo.  However, we decided on this as our best chance for a Nationals qualifier and we’ve got a strategy to hopefully get Zliten there!  Obviously, it depends on who shows up, and I’ve been sick, so you never know, but I definitely have a shot at AG podiuming, and with a magical unicorn day, winning my AG or placing overall.  I’ll be happy with anything in that zip code but I told Zliten I’d give him all my race mojo so he could try and qualify so that’s really what matters most.

Last Redemption Racing event was my first and only tri podium at the time (and I had a great race), so hoping for the same this weekend!

Then, we race Lake Pflugerville Tri 8 days later.  This is our hometown race, although we don’t train there much any more, we know every inch of the course like the back of our hands.  This is another one, however, that I’ll probably be running for 3rd.  With paces I know I can match this year, that’s where I would have landed in last year’s race (but last year, I was 8 weeks out from IM Texas, so I was struggling to remember how to not drown and also run faster than a snail’s pace so I was 6th).  I like the swim, love the bike, but hate hate hate the run.  Hopefully I can channel a fiery little ball of anger into a great run and place there and close out the first half of the season well.

Then, I plan to take a little break and do whatever for a week or two, and then I need to decide how to proceed.

Right now I am strong and I am fast but I don’t have a lot of endurance.  I’m great at these 60-90 minute races but I’m pretty sure I would fall apart halfway through the run if you put in at the start line of an Olympic right now.  I’m not worried about ramping up the swim, that should be painless.  I’m not worried about the bike, I know that goes rather quickly and I just need to make sure to keep pushing the watts instead of only riding “fun pace”.  However, it’s doubling my typical run these days for Nationals, then doubling again for Sept 30th, without losing all those speed gains I’ve worked hard for this spring that is keeping me up at night a little.

Looking forward to doing more of these types of rides vs always being in the pain cave in our Pain Cave.

So the conundrum I will be solving this month is:

  • How long do I need to take some downtime to feel ready to hit it hard for Cozumel?  A week? Two weeks?  Until after the July 4th holiday?
  • What does that downtime mean?  Minimum requirement is maintaining the weights sessions but is it too much to go play bikes with friends a lot as an enjoyable way of building base?  Should I make sure I get out and run once a week to keep heat acclimation?  Do I completely cut speedwork?
  • When I actually get back to it, what’s the best strategy of splitting the difference between speedwork and volume ramp up without overloading myself too much?

Obviously, look for more about this from my wordy ass as the month progresses. 🙂

In #projectraceweight land, I can report that I successfully made it through a cruise and did not gain weight.

Now that I have the momentum, I seem to be making steady progress of about 1 lb per week, average.  That means, if I can stick with it for another 10 weeks (ironically, until Nationals), then I’ll be at what has been my interim goal weight for about a million years, 165.  That would rule.  I’m really happy with the progress I’m making, and while I definitely miss stuff like pizza and beer post bike ride and definitely DON’T miss being stressed about being invited to social occasions (what’s there to eat? will there be drinking? will this completely blow my calorie budget?), it hasn’t been too bad in retrospect.

Long term, I’d probably like to transition to eating right at what I’m burning sometime in August, and then once I’m done and recovered from 70.3 season, do this whole thing once again (strength work, short races, #projectraceweight take 4) and hopefully next year settle at something closer to my foreverweight.

Here is a thing I put in my mouth on vacation.  I still lost weight because I only had ONE (which is actually 190 calories, and truth – worth them)!

Short term, I just gotta keep making the donuts protein smoothies and doing what I’m doing because it seems to be working.  Metrics below (keep in mind this skipped vacation):

  • Average Calorie Burn: 2211
  • Average Calories Eaten: 1708 (-503 deficit)
  • Average Diet Quality: 22.8
  • Weight trend May 1: 181.4
  • Weight trend May 30: 177.6 (-3.8)

So, considering what was stacked against me last month, I’m totally stoked.

This month’s challenges are:

Race + camping this weekend.  I’ve learned a lot here and now I know that the three keys on race day are:

1) Eat IMMEDIATELY after the race, something substantial with protein and carbs, even if it’s junk food, otherwise I will be a hunger monster the rest of the day.

2) Have healthy filling meals ready to cook.

3) I’m going to go over on calories that day, so make sure the few days after are good, clean, low calorie, nutritious eating to balance it all out.

Racing back to back weekends.  I just need to make sure I follow the above rules, which are easier when I’m at home after the race.

Independence Day (early) party: camping at a friend’s house.  I’ll just make sure I get in some good activity that morning, eat a filling healthy lunch, and enjoy myself while I’m there, within reason.

The rest of the month is honestly mine to fuck up.  I need to keep my blinders on just a little longer and not get distracted.   I’ve lost weight, I’m feeling better about myself, so it’s MUCH easier to go “hey, let’s just get pizza instead of eating the Snap Kitchen meal that’s at home”.  Not yet.  Soon, but not yet.  I’m going to stick with being good like 90% of the time for a little while longer and see what more progress I can make.

Desanos, I miss you most of all.

Since I cut the cord on worrying about most other life and adulting stuff, I don’t have a whole lot to talk about beyond those things.  My very ambitious goals for June are plentiful and below:

  • Finish the book publishing book, knowing that I will absolutely need to re-read it again at some point in the future when I am 100% ready to dive into doing what it takes to get published.
  • Reopen my draft at some point during the month and at least stare at it for five minutes before I get up and walk away.

Far reaching, I know, but June is going to be about getting my head straight and ready to really kick training up a notch, so I don’t need a lot going on here.  Do I have more I’d like to do?  Sure.  These things might rhyme with schotography, fainting, and blovie making, but as I promised, they’re going to be things I do as I FEEL like doing them vs making an arbitrary deadline I set for myself.

Happy almost-Summer everyone!  Hit me up with your favorite indulgence in the comments so I can drool over it!

Drawing my suck lines in sharpie

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On June 5, 2018

In Uncategorized

At the end of races, people run into the finish and then collapse.

I mean, these people are not limping or walking or even jogging their way in, they’re racing their ever-lovin’-hineys off.  Then all of a sudden, once the absence of the need for relentless forward movement is gone, once the goal is met, they have nothing left and find the ground rather quickly.

While I’ve not *quite* had that race experience, I do tend to go at life that way.

Vacation, which deserves it’s own post or two, because the ship was something of a ginormous magnificent work of art and technology, and I saw some REALLY COOL THINGS underwater, was not relaxing.  These cruises where we split as much time as possible with family and also as much time as possible getting pretty pictures underwater are very GO GO GO, and I usually find I’m more exhausted at the end of them than the beginning.  I always forget this going in, when I think, “gee I can’t wait for my relaxing cruise”.  They are WONDERFUL vacations, but they are not RELAXING.

I pulled my first rip cord near the beginning of the trip, when I had planned on finishing up the book publishing book and reading some other sports memoirs as research.  Instead, I needed my brain to relax.  I read pulpy sci fi instead.

Then, I had planned on getting some video footage to put into a live-on-scene video for my You Tube channel.  I just couldn’t bring myself to be ON,  no desire whatsoever.  I also barely glanced at my diving pictures during the trip because I felt pressured (by myself, not anyone else) for them to be awesome since my new camera cost a pretty penny.  What I needed was the absence of stress and I felt MORE of it.

Near the end of the vacation, my digestive system just wasn’t right, and I ended up with a minor stomach bug.  Nothing that made me lay in bed all day and miss having fun on the trip, but it probably helped me to be a little less glutinous near the end of the trip and I felt kinda gross for a few days.  No big.

We planned to have a big ol’ bike adventure on Memorial Day and instead spent the day inside, sleeping, and barely moving off the couch.  I felt mostly back to normal and started to inch the workouts back to normal and then Thursday’s brick workout SUCKED.  Like, my heart rate was spiking for no reason, and it was all I could do to eek out a 10:20/mile run pace at an effort usually reserved for 1-2 minutes faster and I felt wiped as hell after.

I was super worried my body was broken, but then a few hours later the snot monster hit me during my last meeting of the day.  While I was grumpy about having a SECOND illness in the span of a week, at least there was a reason for my terrible workout.  I pulled out a full stop at that point.  I did go to work and get groceries the next day out of necessity, but once I got home, it was on.  Or off.  Over the course of the weekend I read two (pulpy sci fi) books, finished Kings Quest Ep 4, slept about 24 hours, and didn’t give a heckin’ damn about anything originally on my to do list.

I will credit my full stop, with also the application of zinc every 3-4 hours for the entire 3 days, with the fact that I pretty much have gotten over a cold so quickly.  I felt pretty energetic even by Sunday afternoon, where I rode my bike for 45 minutes and then had the oomph to randomly clean out my swimsuit/kits area of the closet which has exploded.  By now, five days later, I feel completely back to normal.

One of the most relaxing moments of vacation was my half-hour massage on Mahahual Beach, and I tried to channel that feeling all weekend.  When I was tucked into my recliner on the couch, with atmospheric electronica music going, deep into some sci fi world 500 years in the future, I could almost feel my body vibrating, healing, stitching itself back together.  I’m not a huge hippie dippie metaphysical person, but there was definitely something good going on internally that I needed to let happen and spur along by just being *still*.

Anyhoo, healing trances aside, I also realized I need to make a stand so I don’t get that broken down again because training is about to get real in the next month.  I am not Superwoman.  I cannot be awesome at everything all the time, not even by pressuring myself to do so and wishing I was with all my might and stressing myself out completely with crazy unrealistic expectations.  Surprising no one, that’s not the path to greatness.

To quote one of my favorite concepts from SwimBikeMom – I’m going to need to pull the Suck Line up a little further for a while (probably the summer) to keep my cup of give-a-crap from running dry.

As of this moment in time, my house is now at the state my house will be at until I decide to give a flying fig, which could be as soon as tomorrow and as late as never.  I go nuts if my laundry isn’t done once a week so that will happen and it needs to be picked up enough to have our service come through and clean every two weeks.  Everything else can do as it will until I decide to make it a priority in my life again.

They say turning your hobby into a job sucks the life out of it.  I don’t completely agree, but ever since I got the nice new camera and decided I was going to try and start submitting photos to see if I could make it a minor revenue stream, it became this whole *pressure* thing.  After going through half my vacation photos, I have learned that

a) I am nowhere near professional grade with the on-land pictures thing, I have a lot to learn about how to take pictures with this camera, and as a whole, and

b) I’m guessing I probably have somewhere between half a dozen and a dozen underwater shots that I might feel comfortable submitting to a professional site once I edit them. I might get shot down, but even in the terrible conditions and crappy weather, I got a few gems and actually learned a lot about how to properly light and focus things.

My first instinct, like usual, is that I need to double down and study photography composition and get a bunch of lenses and take some classes and do a bunch of internet research and stalk all sorts of great photographers on instagram.  But then again, rather than take myself back to school and do a graduate thesis over yet another budding hobby vying for my precious free time, for now, it’s probably better to just TAKE MORE PICTURES and when some of them end up being cool, figure out what I did and do that again.

I wrote the last words of the last draft of my book in April, and haven’t touched it since.  It’s stressing me out because it’s becoming too real, says the girl who is apparently afraid of achieving a life long goal.  Why this is any different than my blog which I blather on incessantly, I have no idea.  But somehow it is.  Reading the publishing book has been insanely informative but also is overwhelming me with all the things I didn’t know I needed to know, so that’s helped and hurt at the same time.  Apparently, very little about becoming a published author is about writing the book.  Who knew?

Then, there’s my painting and jewelry and movies and all the other creative stuff I really like doing.  However, instead of being enjoyable hobbies I dabble in, I’ve put them on timers and on to do lists, so they’ve become tasks I MUST do.  Not because I don’t love to do them, but because I’m being a dumbass.  Like the other things above, I’m putting pressure on myself to both produce these creative works at a scheduled rate, and be awesome at all of them at the same time, while balancing life, work, triathlon, and trying to lose weight.

See, here’s the thing.  I grew up being judged, at the most literal sense of the world.  I was a gymnast, and my progress was graded (and gated) by a panel of judges.  I spent years with my ego, soul, talent, and, let’s face it, since leotards are just basically an indoor bathing suit so also my BODY bared to the world performing for a subjective score that would rank me above and below other people.  I spent my latter high school years doing the same thing except face first into a pool of water.  Then I spent my college years auditioning on stage – it was nice to be fully clothed, certainly, but in theater, there’s no absence of baring your soul and talents to be weighed, measured, and often found wanting.

I spent twenty years literally dancing for my (approval) supper.  I did it entirely by choice, but once I left college and got my first job?  It was honestly kind of refreshing just to wake up, go to work, come home, play video games, eat food, maybe drink some cheap vodka if I had a few extra bucks, and go to bed.  I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone.  It was kind of a respite until I got bored and started putting myself out there, showcasing my creative talents for subjective judging, bucking for promotions.

Running and triathlon was a fresh change of pace for a hobby in that the impartial clock dictates who wins.  A judge doesn’t come in and deduct points because of bad swolf on my swim stroke or penalize me for coming out of aero on the bike or decide that my degree of difficulty multiplier should be lower because I didn’t transition from my bike to my run quick enough.  It was GO and then STOP.  And for the first many, many, many years, it was competition with myself.  Then myself and Zliten and our group of friends but always friendly and never for anything but bragging rights.

This last revolution around the sun, I’ve found that I’m close enough to be in contention to podium at some of these local races.  Racing other people instead of just the clock adds in that wildcard back in where all of a sudden, the goalpost might change from having to bike x fast to hit a PR to having to bike x+1 fast to chase down the gal in 3rd.  I’ve relished the challenge and I think it’s made me a better athlete to race with that particular focus, and I KNOW it’s made me care more about racing, which is a huge relief after the last few apathetic years.

However, I definitely feel a little more mental fatigue because, y’know, caring takes effort.  I’m not showing up to races this year to have fun and hang out.  I’m there to focus and compete and hunt people down and do what I can to win or get as close as I can.   It’s a great feeling, but it takes a little more OOMPH than just showing up and seeing what happens. It also feels a little more like my gymnastics and diving days, where I am actually concerned about what others are doing because it directly affects my rank and determines whether I achieve my goals.

It will honestly be a bit of a relief to finish my last two sprints of the year where I have a chance and move on to the rest of the season.  Nationals, Cozumel 70.3, mayyyyybe Waco 70.3.  In these races, I have no opportunity other than either an out of body experience or lightning striking the top half of my age group of standing on the podium.  The feeling of being a little fish in a big pond.  No expectations other than just racing my ass off against the clock.  It will either be amazing or a total letdown, I’m not sure which yet.

I REALLY LOVE the little bit of momentum I found with some early season successes, but in true form, I feel a little fraudulent right now.   I, for many years, have self-identified as a mid-to-back of the pack athlete, and my improvements have been so incremental over the years that I still keep thinking that my 1st, 3rd, and 4th earlier this year have to have been because of extenuating circumstances, that I don’t deserve the fluke which was my Nationals qualifier.  Who am I to be good at this stuff?  I better keep proving it over and over until I actually believe it, right?

*cue David Bowie’s Under Pressure*

It’s just like the dumb expectations I’m putting on myself that my pictures need to be great because I spent the money on a good camera.  My paintings need to be good immediately because a million years ago I used to regularly do art and considered myself an artist and that can’t have stagnated a little in the last fifteen years, right?  My first draft of my book better be amazing because I’ve wanted to be an author for most of my life.  Even *I’m* looking at this thinking, “What the fuck, self?” but that doesn’t stop me thinking it.

It’s like all the childhood desires to be an author, a painter, a photographer, a creative genius awoke in me all at once this year, and I’ve been playing whack a mole with them trying to keep up with being a successful triathlete, good manager, and decent human being.  I enjoy a challenge, but it’s just too much at once right now.  It’s exhausting trying to be amazing at all the things all the time.  That way lies madness.  I’ve been down that road before and I’d rather turn around now before I end up rocking back and forth in a padded room somewhere quiet.

So, as of right now, the suck line needs to be drawn in sharpie (like another one of my favorite OG bloggers says).  Here are the things I care about:

  • Making sure I don’t drive my husband into the loony bin by overloading us with all the things.  Just most of the things.
  • Maintaining my diet program until the absolute last minute when it becomes impossible with 70.3 training.  I’m actually making substantial progress for the first time in forever, so I’d like to ride this wave as long as healthily possible.
  • Triathlon.  I’m really enjoying racing this year.  I’m excited to see what I can eek out of my legs in the next two weekends, enjoy the experience at Nationals, and go after some PRs at the 70.3 distance.  I’m also excited to get back to a few months of the endurance training I know and love and be comfortably exhausted for a while.
  • Having my family and close friends not disown me because I don’t see them ever.  Maybe not as often as we all would like, but enough so I remember what they look like and be there for the big things.  While I may not show up to every little thing, it’s important to me to not be a flake and to not completely disappear down a hole during training.
  • Work, standing obligations and the minimum level of adulting needed to deliver me to the other side of the season in tact with my life not completely in shambles.
  • The book.  Of all the artsy fartsy things I’ve gotten distracted with lately, THIS was the focus this year so it remains above the suck line.  I’m hoping with a few more weeks of distance from it and permission to ignore other things, I’ll feel less overwhelmed about it.

Below the suck line are too many things to list but include:

  • House organizational or remodel projects or really giving a crap if something is out of place.
  • Photos and being the most amazing photographer ever.
  • Videos and having a super popular You Tube channel.
  • Somehow magically being an amazing marketing/PR person.
  • Jewelry making and having a shop on Etsy.
  • Painting masterpieces on a regular schedule.
  • Advanced level adulting that is not urgent or time sensitive.
  • Feeling bad that I don’t make as many team rides as I feel like I should but haven’t fit with my training (or diet, regarding the social gatherings after)

It’s nice to list these things out and wave goodbye to them while I focus on the top six.  It’s not to say I’ll put all my painting stuff down for months or not submit my photos or have a moment where I go in search of learning about how to be popular on the YouTubes or research camera tricks, but I no longer have a time table on these things.  Furthermore, I am henceforth disallowed for judging myself harshly for either the absence of effort or the lack of being amazing in any of these areas.

Triathlon, #projectraceweight, minimal adulting, being a decent (I’m not even going for amazing or great) friend/family member, progress towards being an author.  My head is a little clearer and my focus is set.  Now, let’s bring on the summer!

The Short Version

By

On May 15, 2018

In Uncategorized

My brain is already on vacation.  I didn’t race last weekend.  I did some training.  I ate food.  Life is hectic.  There’s my blog.  Have a good week!

*smirk*

Ha, gotcha.  Even though I don’t have huge big adventure stories, it won’t stop me from blathering about mundane life things.  #sorrynotsorry  Best advert for a blog post ever – I have nothing amazing to talk about but here’s 1600 words anyway!

I took a day off after Rookie, and then attempted to get right back on the horse.  It kind of worked.  I have to remember that even though I didn’t get a lot of training hours in the last few weeks, I did get two KILLER speed workouts racing at maximum capacity racing back to back weekend.  I had to pull back my intentions a little and remember that QUALITY really trumps quantity for me unless I’m moving up to a new distance.  And then it still probably does, but I need to push volume for the sake of my confidence.

My two key sessions last week were our team brick and a cycling FTP test.  On the brick, I was happy with my bike (best paces and powers yet on the potato chip speed loops), but my run was a little MEH.  I was not ready to push it 3 days after racing so I backed off and sat on that comfortably uncomfortable perch in the pain cave and coasted in at 9:30s.  Saturday morning, I was super dreading the FTP test and put it off as long as I could… and it wasn’t that bad.  That probably was part of the problem – I’m not sure I nailed the effort, since I had some juice at the end of the 20 minute all out segment, and came up with a slightly disappointing number: 172 (2.16 watts/kg).  I thought I *had* to be at 180 at this point.  Oh well, metrics are metrics and I’ll try this again monthly – it’s a great workout!

The color coordination is strong with this one. #sockdoping #wattagebrigade

Last week’s totals:

  • 1 weights – oops.  I need to ditch the excuses (cranky glute, busy, ran out of time, lazy, etc) and JUST DO THESE!!! Argh.
  • 2 swims – about 2500yd/40 min (1 drills session) – see, now that it’s warm all I want to do is swim, this was no problem to get done
  • 2 bikes – about 30 miles/1h50 min – brick bike + FTP test
  • 2 runs – 6 miles/1h5 min – one miserable heat training lunch hilly run + alightly less miserable brick run

Total – a little under 5 hours.  Less than planned. Oops.  This week’s plans are:

  • 3 weights – poooossssibly two of those kettle bell sessions vs actual lifting because I don’t want to poke my glutes too hard, and one core sesh.
  • 2 runs – brick run and a run that will be an hour long/6 miles/until death (whichever of these seems like a good stopping point)
  • 2 bikes – commute (yay fun bikes) and the brick ride (yay fast bikes)
  • 2 swims – though one is planned to be in a hotel pool which may or may not be successful or long but it’s getting done, darn it!

Looks like about 6 hours give or take.  At some point I’ll need to start ramping up a *little* for Cozumel but for now this volume seems to be working so I’m sticking with it!

Another thing that seems to be working is #projectraceweight.  Trendweight and I are friends again.

And see, my (interim) goal weight (165) is back in the realm of summer 2018, instead of two years from now!

Now that I’m getting the hang of this, I think I’ve noticed the trend that two weeks of the month I’ll make awesome progress and two weeks (that super fun week where Aunt Flo moves into town and the week after) I make little to none.  So, at the very least, I can be less frustrated because it’s a TREND.  Even factoring in weeks where I’m stalled out, I seem to be back on track to maybe actually keep this party train going into 160s-town.  That’s exciting!  And then, since I actually know what I need to do to make it happen, I plan to hop on again next offseason and follow it down a bit more to 150s-ville, for the first time in almost a decade!

For now, I’ll celebrate that I officially have pretty much undone all the damage that crazy high-carb/calorie program the nutritionist suggested (finally, almost 3 years later).  I’ll throw 10 parties for that!

Here’s the last two week’s numbers:

Apr 30-May 6

  • Average calories in: 1845
  • Average calories out: 2195
  • Average diet quality score: 21.2
  • Average deficit: -350
  • Average weight: 178.2 (-1.4)

May 7-13

  • Average calories in: 1699
  • Average calories out: 2300
  • Average diet quality score: 23
  • Average deficit: -601
  • Average weight: 176.1 (-2.1)

A few data caveats to fend off any “well, actually…” comments:

  • My average weight here is from my GARMIN scale.  My TRENDWEIGHT above pulls from my FITBIT scale, which weighs on average about 1 lb higher (though it varies day to day, this morning it was 2 lbs higher, the other day it was lower. :P).  And yes, I’m going to keep metrics from the lower one because it helps my self esteem, thankyouverymuch.
  • The calorie burn/deficit is from the GARMIN devices, not FITBIT.  I think the Garmin devices are a little conservative vs the Fitbit WAYYYY overestimating (it makes sense why I couldn’t lose weight for so long, even when using the -1000 per day setting).  For example, Monday May 7th, I did no formal exercise but got about 11k steps.  Fitbit has me burning 3.2k calories that day.  Garmin has me burning 2.1k.  Garmin’s definitely closer but may be sandbagging me a little.

Now, I need to make sure and not fuck it up when I go on vacation.  I keep saying it (mostly to drill it into my own head when I’m presented with all the food I can eat 24/7), but honestly, I think the big thing is to control my QUANTITY first and quality second.  I’ll live for a week if I don’t get my macros correct but I could really make the scale angry by eating too much, even if it’s mostly healthy.  For example – if I’m craving pizza, I’ll get a slice and a salad for lunch.  That’s acceptable.  What is not acceptable is eating a full breakfast, then lunch, then a slice as a snack (and then a salad because I’m feeling guilty and should eat something healthy too), then dinner.

My only goal is not to gain weight.  Wish me luck!

So freaking close to thissssss….

Speaking of vacation, I swear, it takes forever to get ready for it, and then it’s over in the blink of an eye.  But hey, at least I’m almost ready!  Sunday was MY DAY to do all the things to get prepared and I did *most* of them including a self-pedicure, tweezing the face caterpillars over my eyes, grabbing some of my things out of storage that had gotten bigger and longer again (yay!).

I also spent a bunch of hours reading the manual and playing with my new camera.  I was getting really stressed and snippy about it (sorry husband of mine) because I felt intimidated by it.  It’s got so many professional type features and I’m typically a point and shoot type gal.  However, after a few hours, I think I can work the basic operations and know generally what all the modes and settings mean and I’ll get better with it as I have more gorgeous things to put in front of it.  And, if every shot is not the most perfect-est on my first outing, that’s ok, I’ll have more opportunities to get pretty pictures in the future.

So at this point, I still have a few To Dos but I’m feeling less crazy.

Yesterday, I got a massage.  I think it was enough to calm the pain in the ass (literally) and the slight niggle moving around my heel/ankle still, but I’m on watch to see if I need to get into the chiropractor too (I have one real window on Thursday to do it).

I’m debating on a haircut.  I actually am not minding it long in my normal human life.  This actually didn’t take too terribly long to produce (though longer than I will spend on my looks about 355-ish days of the year which is approximately 30 seconds):

But I know I tend to say that until I get it cut and then wonder how I dealt so long.  I also know on vacation my hair is constantly wet and that could get annoying.  I may see if I can find a window of time to hit up the Bird’s to get a real snip snip or I may just have my husband give it a trim, ignoring the layers I usually get, or I may leave it.  My mother reminded me that she travels with scissors (though I certainly don’t trust HER with them as she’ll give me a bowl cut or something like this), and my husband reminded me that they have a (rather pricey) salon on board.  I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seat as to what I do so follow along on Instagram for the final verdict, hehe.

I’m sure I need to pick up a few odds and ends as I pack and find things like I don’t have any travel shaving cream, make sure I have enough books downloaded on my Kindle so I don’t run out of reading material, make sure things like my camera manual and video plan are loaded onto my travel laptop since there’s not going to be much internet around, but I think I’ve done the majority of the things.

So, of course, off to do all the OTHER things.

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About Me

I'm a video game producer and a lover of anything game related by trade.  I'm a triathlete by hobby.  I live for being on or in the water as much as I can - scuba diving, snorkeling, paddleboarding, water slides... you name it.  The dichotomy between my outdoor and indoor realities are interesting, but they're all mine!  Longer version here...

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