I’m feeling a bit adrift this week. The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity. If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post. I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year. Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here. Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.
So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity. Without further ado, here we go:
Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)
Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)
Total calorie average per day = 1563
Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.
This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale. So why am I frightened to get on it? Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.
The scale has become a big issue for me lately. I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control. However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that. If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…
Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month. I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks). I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week. Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s. But that 150 barrier is holding strong. I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week. The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2. I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good. And I can tell it’s not just scale weight. Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined. No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.
I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way. I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like. “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?” And the worst part – “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.” That’s the one that bothers me the most. Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to. I exercise like crazy. I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan. I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t. I think that’s what frustrates me. I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs. Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside – that would really, really be nice too.
The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts. I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something. And I have no desire to stop. It’s just the eating part. And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.
It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore. I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate. It was something I could incorporate with my life long term. Then it just stopped working. The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – not productive for me OR the wall.
I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me. Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight. I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right? Well, it’s not good enough. I’m NOT happy at this weight. I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy. I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life. And I’m not there yet.
This is the problem. I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”. I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later. The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t. And eat more and move less just seems like craziness. I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else. Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day. That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet. And maybe that fact should scare me too. The point is-
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM. ARGHHHH!
I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return. However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress. I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.
So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-
1. Get on the scale every day. Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world. Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.
2. Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can. Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg. Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week). Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time. Bleh.
3. Lower my (unreasonable) expectations. If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding. I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.
4. Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s. I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately. I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else. I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine. Fried shrimp will still exist later.
5. Try not to let any of this affect my mood. I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year). I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle. I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes. I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day. My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.
Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post. Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed. icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute. 🙂