Adjusted Reality

Public and Private:

So, I’ve always considered making a facebook fan page.  Just because it’s the kind of thing that might make me giggle.  The dozen or so people who read this blog could…uh…read another place where I update even less than I do here?  Yeah, so I’ve never had a reason to set one up.  If you can’t get enough of me here on this bloggity blog, well, now, it’s too bad.

Just this week, I felt I had to remove all reference to my real name here, and I even decided to remove all past job references as well.   I shall be, henceforth known only as Quix (or Quixotique, or crazy-person, or whatnot).

Because… this week, I addressed my community of millions for the first time with my real name and job title. I got my first fan invite on facebook to my RL profile page and it hit me: I need to once again make a distinction between my public and private life.  I’m going to need to set up a facebook fan page to communicate with some people who I don’t necessarily want to see my regular day-to-day updates.  If I slip and check in somewhere on yelp or gowalla and post it to facebook, I don’t want to get stalked.  It’s a bizarre, but familiar circumstance.  It was nice for a 3 year break but I so so so so missed it.

Also, adding my real identity to my RL job, I feel the need now to remove it from this blog.  There was a time when I thought this blog might be my only chance at having a soapbox.  A way to reconnect with old friends, and find new ones.  A way to have a platform to communicate with the world at large.  I knew it was in PLACE of the opportunity I had before, although it ended up being so much more.

However, now I go from thousands (old job) to tens (here) to millions (new job).  It’s awe inspiring and cool and humbling and powerful feeling, but with great power comes great responsibility.

I hope all that has to happen is to take my name off the bio.  I’ve always been hesitant to link to my game, but it’s definitely not happening now.  The health and fitness part will continue on, the life stuff will continue on, but I think I’m going to put a kiebash on any work talk.   Which I rarely do, but still.

Results of the No Weigh Experiment:

After approximately 2 months I returned to the scale yesterday.  It was actually dusty.  I hopped on and the scale rewarded me with a number of…drumroll please…

164.0

Yeah.  Let’s call this one a FAIL.  3 lbs gained in 2 months.  My food tracker has said that I should be losing between 3-5 lbs per month.  I’m going to weigh in every morning for a while to see if I’m just unreasonably bloated for some reason (I was down to 163.2 this morning), but something’s gotta give here.  I’m now 8-9 lbs over my maintenance range which is so far beyond unacceptable it’s not even funny.

Giving up sugar was a good thing to do, which I might not have done if I had to weigh (the first two weeks, I’m pretty sure I was eating a little more non-sugar stuff to compensate).  Hopefully giving up fried foods will be another step to unlocking the way to take off weight.  In the queue of things I’m thinking of trying is a month off any “diet” food (anything light or diet) and a month eating LARGE breakfasts and smaller lunches and dinners.  Taking suggestions below.  Eliminating carbs or alcohol altogether is out of the question.  I was down at 150 consuming both of them, not willing to give them up thxuverymuch.

I would like to eventually return to weighing either once a week or a month, but for now, I need to go back to daily weighing and work on taking the emotion out of it.  164.0 doesn’t make me any less of a person or an athlete, but it sure has made me short tempered the last 2 days.  To be fair, it has also made my pants a little tighter, so it’s not JUST the number, but still.  It’s a measure.  It’s like getting upset that my hair is 13.2 inches long.  If I don’t like it that length, I need to be patient and grow it out.  Or make plans to cut it.

Getting smacked in the face with a 3 lb gain after 2 months off though – no bueno.

New Gym:

So I tweeted this about my new gym: “I’d date him again because he’s intriguing, but I’m definitely not ready to go steady.”

Day One was just full of fail.  Their cardio equipment is older than I am.  I could only do 9 miles on the bike before my ass was about to fall off, and the treadmill, I could only handle 2 miles because I was already in a horrible mood, my ass hurt, and the stupid thing felt like I was going uphill the whole way (and the note on it said the incline was broken that way).  Um, yeah.  Please, let me quit my 10$/mo gym with nice new cardio equipment for this piece of shit at 50$ per month.  Not happening.

PLUS – you reserve your machine in 30 minute segments.  Cool if you’re heading there after work and want to make sure you have a treadmill or lap lane.  Bad because it is in 30 minute segments, and I was given a sideways look when I said, “hey, sometimes I have a 10k run on my training schedule and need a machine for an hour” and they were like…”um, well, if it’s really dead I *guess* you could do that but we don’t normally”.  And I watched.  People only did 30 mins on their machine.  Folks, the shortest workouts I EVER do are 5ks.  And that’s more than 30 mins with warmup and cooldown.  Especially on a shitty treadmill going uphill the whole way.

Day Two was much better.  I dropped in for a power hour type full body strength workout and dang – it was fun, it went way quick, and I felt WORKED.  My bod is totally sore today.  THIS is the kind of thing I need to keep up with weight training.  And they have a couple different ones.

Then, I swam laps for 30 mins and besides the fact that apparently my gigantic head needs a larger swim cap, it was great.  The pool lanes are super small and it was kinda crowded with 3 people, but it was totally doable.  And probably good training for tris since I’ll have people all up in my bidness anyway.  I’m thinking I’m going to stick with breaststroke this season since I’m way more comfortable with it, and eff em all if they make fun of me.

Then, I felt nice and cool from swimming so I changed and ran the mile home.

Day 3 was great.  I got there about 35 mins before class and burned some mellow calories on the arc trainer (not as nice as the one at the cheap gym, but adequate… to keep going with the dateable analogy – I wouldn’t kick it out of bed, heh), and then went in for my first yoga class ever.

I’ve never been a yoga fan.  I force myself to do it through half training so I don’t get injured or too tight, but the people who do it all the time and love it?  Sorry, but I thought y’all were crazypants.  Maybe I need to rethink that.

Being in a dark room with a mellow dude telling us what to do at first was kinda getting on my nerves and for the first 20 mins, I kept staring at the clock.  Then…I got into it.  I relaxed.  I shook off my horrible mood and stress and mind going a mile a minute and just got into the movements.  All of a sudden, I started getting tingles.  And then some time passed, and it was over.

60 mins of yoga is a decadent thing.  If we continue this gym, I will definitely have to indulge that every once in a while.  250-ish calories for an hour is not the kind of thing I can really count as a workout, but as an activity (and something I bet I can get Zliten to join me doing as well), it was well worth an hour of my time spent.

Tonight?  I embark on my very first SPINNING class.  Hopefully I will not have ladybit problems…

So the plan right now (since Zliten really loves the gym so far)?  Keep the 10$/mo gym for bike and run days that I can’t do it outside, and use this gym primarily for swimming and classes.  I hate to pay for two gyms, but they are just both 2 halves of a whole.  And it’s cheaper than the super nice expensive gym still.

That’s about it for the happs this week.  I’m just trying to make it through to Friday catching as many classes as possible and stay sane.  Question of the week: have you (or would you) pay for 2 gyms?  Avoiding, hating, or loving the scale lately?   Ever have to deal with fans that stalk you?  Of course, I’d love to hear yoga or spinning or other fabulous stories as well…

Monday, Monday.  Another week down, truckin’ along with everything.  Life is grand!

No sugar update:

It’s getting easier and easier.  For some reason, the only time I recall being tempted this week was a birthday cake.  Why on earth for some reason crappy sheet cake has been the thing that keeps calling my name this month.  I know it’s not worth the calories.  But for some reason, that sickeningly sweet frosting-ness just makes me WANT.  It’s not even what I’m going to treat myself to this week when I break my month sweet-fast.  I am THOROUGHLY looking forward to the frozen yogurt though!  I do believe I’ll wait until Saturday, on the way home from the new gym.  Next week, I’ll decide what else to work on.  Current thought is avoiding fried food until Vegas.  That’s one thing I’ve noticed that’s crept back into my life a little too much lately.

New Gym:

This week we’re both finally a) not sick b) not on vacation c) not injured d) have the money, so it’s time to give the new gym a try (and hopefully switch over if everything is super cool).  This means regular access to a pool.  Yay!  Just in time too, my first tri is in about 3 weeks.  I should, uh, probably sign up for it.  Need to by the 8th or it gets more expensive.  How the HECK is it August already?  Le sigh… Speaking of new fitness equipment – we got a pull up bar so now every time I go into the bedroom, I try to do a pull up every time I pass it.   I can’t even fathom doing a proper one right now, but hopefully soon!

66% Olympic:

I did 2 pretty epic workouts last week – the 5k run-12 mile ride-5k run and the 25 mile ride and 10k run.  This week was sort of a test to make sure my endurance is where it should be.  Good news – it is!  I rocked both workouts with reckless abandon.  The run bike run got a little rough at the end, but I made it.  I’m sure that running 5k is actually more tiring than a half mile swim – so I feel pretty awesome about the sprint distance.  The double length ride and run is the last two legs of the Olympic distance, and I was just so PUMPED about how easy it was.  It was tough, but not KILLER.  Right after, I chowed down on some major food, and then we walked about 2-3 miles downtown that night.  My legs are a little tense, but I’m not wrecked.  I’m glad that I’ve made such strides in the last few months with my biking (anything over 10 miles at one time was just crazy talk – now I do 25 each week), since I’ll have to give myself a crash course in lap swimming.

No Weigh:

Sometime this week, I’m going to get on the scale.  Mondays were never a great weigh in day so I’m probably going to do Wednesday morning.  I’ll check in and let y’all know later this week how it goes.  It’s been bizarre after 3.5 years of constant weighing to take 2 months off.  I was certain about a month ago I had gained about 5000 lbs, and earlier this week, I felt like I was feeling super skinny, like maybe possibly I was even back to my goal weight.  I’m interested to see where I’m at.   Hopefully I’m still interested even after I see the number, heh.

Well, let’s get down to it.  Here’s the numbers for this week.

Monday: ate 1852, 5k run, 12 mile bike, 5k run (1200) = 652
Tuesday: ate 1421, off workouts = 1421
Wednesday: ate 1494, off workouts 1= 1494
Thursday: ate 1875, 45 mins running speedwork (653) = 1222
Friday: ate 1979, 45 mins arc trainer (600) = 1379
Saturday: ate 3016, 25 mile bike, 10k run (1828) = 1188
Sunday: ate 1348, off workouts = 1348

Avg consumption per day = 1854
Avg burn per day = 611
Avg deficit per day = 1243

Right on!  That should equate to about a 1 lb loss.  But we all know how wonky my body is, and I haven’t weighed forever, so who knows, right?  Here is next week’s plan.  Another week where I have 0 plans to start out – I’m really hoping for a mellow week with maybe a little less boozin’.  Two fairly debilitating hangovers in one week is enough.  Fun to attain, but sort of a drag to deal with.

Monday: bike 12 miles, run 5k (800)
Tuesday: swim 1 mile (700)
Wednesday: run 10k (800)
Thursday: weights (250)
Friday: 40 mins arc trainer (500)
Saturday: swim 1/2 mile, bike 12 miles, run 5k (1100)
Sunday: off

So, question of the week – what’s that one food that always calls out to you, but is never worth it once you actually eat it?  Cheers to an awesome week!

I often think about alternate realities and the infinite amount of outcomes due to each choice we make on a day to day basis.  I mean, this commercial sums it up well.  Even the little things you do on a daily basis can make your life significantly different.  Butterfly effect et al.

Rarely though, are you smacked in the face with it unexpectedly.  Today, I was reading through my twitter feed, and clicked on a picture that an ex-coworker put up of their team out to lunch.  I recognized some faces, wondered who some of the people were, and then BAM!  Turned away from the camera was my spitting image from about 4 years ago.  Same thick, long (butt-length) wavy brown hair I had back then, chipmunk cheekbones like I have – even from almost the back, I could tell she was smiling big.  Not only was she about the same weight I used to be, but the same topheavy build I have.  Wearing if not a t-shirt I used to own, something damn similar.  Sitting how I used to (legs crossed at my ankles) in a restaurant I used to frequent.  It was truly surreal.

The crazy thing is I applied for a job on that team 6 years ago.  I didn’t get it.  I was told I was 3rd best where they took the top 2 people.  It wasn’t my dream job but it was definitely better than where I was and I was crushed and frustrated when I found out.

It hit me when I saw that picture… in some alternate reality I might have gotten that job.  It might have made me complacent enough that I wasn’t as driven and hungry to get into game design and ultimately production.  I might never have been in the right place at the right time to take over the game I did with so little experience it was ridiculous, and then become so burnt out that I had a life epiphany that fateful day in December 06.

I certainly wouldn’t have been so desperate for life change that I would have considered Austin as a viable move.  I mean, it was TEXAS.  From CALIFORNIA.  Come on.  Who moves out of the most perfect place to live ever (at least, as I thought at the time) to TEXAS?  I wouldn’t have had the experience to land the job I did and move out to Austin.  I wouldn’t have learned what it meant to have a balanced and full life that meant something beyond my job and position.  Or maybe I would have, since I would have never gotten myself into the pickle of working 100-hour weeks, but let’s forget that for a moment…

I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think I would have aggressively pursued weight loss as I did once I moved to Austin.  If I wouldn’t have done that, I surely wouldn’t have discovered my inner athlete and my passion for racing.  I wouldn’t have had the time or desire to start a blog to have a soapbox again (since I’d already have one), and I wouldn’t have found all the lovely fit bloggers out there that motivate and inspire me on a daily basis.  Ok, weekly now that I’m super busy, but you know what I mean…

So cheers to you, alternate reality Quix.  I bet you’re having a blast still in SD (how I do miss it sometimes).  I bet being on that team is a lot of fun.  I bet you’re going to order something with those super yummy garlic fries they had at that restaurant (om nom nommm).  However, if you decide that you’re not happy where you’re at, and that you have want for more in any facet of life, please realize you can make it happen.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Trust me, I have some inside knowledge. ::wink::

Three major noteworthy things happened to me in the realm of my eating habits.

1.  For the first time in 4.5 years, I intentionally ate fast food.  I know, right?  Here’s my story…

At work every Thursday, there is this enigma called luncheon roulette.  One of my coworkers created and maintains a list of 100 restaurants within a few miles of our office.  It has everything from gas station hot dogs to the nearest strip club, but also a lot of really good restaurants as well.  I didn’t participate at first because I normally brought my lunch to work and also… the idea of possibly having to ingest fast food frightened me.  However, after a while the whimsy got me, and I’ve been going the last two weeks.

Since it was my first week last week, I got to roll the 100 sided die and ended up with Terra Burger – an organic ec0-friendly burger place, which everyone was pretty happy with.  This week, however, disaster struck.  The roll was jack in the box.  I mean, seriously, very few fast food rolls could have been worse.  I was not happy.

However, I went and checked out the nutrition info and found what I thought was the best option – a chicken fajita pita and side salad w/lite vinaigrette.  I used to love those pita things, so I figured it would be interesting to try it again.  I got my food and dug in and… y’know, it wasn’t that bad.  The chicken wasn’t great quality, but it was paletable and the side salad veggies were actually fairly crisp.

I certainly wouldn’t CHOOSE to return to Jack in the Box for food, or any fast food for that matter… but in a pinch?  I was able to get a decent 400 cal lunch, and it didn’t make me sick.  I also think that I would never bother with any of the unhealthy options because I know they wouldn’t be worth it.  I did NOT have burger envy.  I *may* have yoinked a few fries from Zliten but I certainly didn’t want a whole order.

2.  On Friday, I had an interview, and the candidate brought in cookies.  For 99% of the people in the world, that would be a huge plus but for me, not so much.  I did not want to create an uncomfortable situation or have to explain my personal life to this dude, so I took the cookie, had a bite, and then hid it underneath my paperwork.  It talked to me the whole time, but I was able to realize that it was calling to me simply because it was THERE, not because it was actually good and worth it.  Now, if it was a hot, freshly baked cookie, I may have decided it was worth it.  It was a prepackaged store brand type, so it was not.

The cookie ended up in the garbage.  I’ve actually trashed a few sweets this week.  Sometimes it’s just easier.

Also, we reflected on all the interviews we’ve done in the last 6 months since we started aggressively staffing up – I think I’ve done at least 100 if not more.  I wish I could share some of the awesome horror stories with you but I like my job and wish to keep it.  One of these days I definitely should write a “how to” interview post from the interviewer side.

3.  The biggie – beyond about 5 starlight mints, 2 fortune cookies, and a few bite of cookie (I did end up splitting a bacon chocolate chip cookie with Zliten this weekend.  THAT was worth it, and something I had to try… I feel ok about that…), I’m 19 days desert free.  A funny thing happened this week… it actually had some real, tangible effect on me.  I figured I’d go a month, prove to myself I could do it, and that would be that.  Subconsciously though, I must have known it would be more.  I guess calories in, calories out was a good start, but not 100% of the equation.

Oh right, the actual effect… y’know that crazy ginormous appetite I kept complaining about?  The hungries?  The “I just ate a full meal but now I feel like I could eat another one”?  Gone.  It’s awesome.  When I tracked at the end of each day or two, I instinctively came to about 1500 calories, both on workout days and non-workout days.  Y’all, it is SO much easier to make good food choices when I’m not feeling like a calorie compactor, and it’s much more freeing to not have to avoid so many things because I can’t trust myself to limit portions.

I still haven’t weighed, but I feel like I look slimmer.  Things are fitting better.  Is this the one change that helps me get back under 155?  Even if not, I feel better, so I’ll stick with it and only consume sweets that are a) worth it and b) no more than once a week.  I think I’ve settled on a small frozen yogurt (or maybe an ice cream) as my first occasional treat I will allow.  That oreo cookie shake is just too many calories (over 800 for a small).  I just can’t see that as worth it at all.

Anyhoo, the numbers.

Monday: ate 1519, did 10k run (747) = 772
Tuesday: ate 1490, off = 1490
Wednesday: ate 1702, did 12 mile run, 5k run (844) = 858
Thursday: ate 1395, off = 1395
Friday: ate 1589, did 40 mins arc trainer (500) = 1089
Saturday: ate 2162, 25 mile bike, walk (1100) = 1062
Sunday: ate 1501, off = 1501

Avg calories in = 1622

Avg calories burnt = 455

Avg deficit per day = 1812 – 1167 = 645, or a little over 1 lb this week if the numbers match up.

Actual weight?  Well, we’ll see in about 2 weeks.

Next week, it’s time to get down to business.  The sprint tri is a month away and I don’t have regular access to a pool, so I plan to do a fake tri (subbing running for the swim leg) on Monday.  I want to rest up and then on Saturday, see if I have it in me to do the biking/running portion of the olympic distance back to back.  Eek.  What am I getting myself into here?  At least I’m giving myself 3 days off and not even pretending like I’m going to do weights.  I’ll pick them back up after the tri.  Honest engine.  The days might change due to plans, but that’s the norms.

Monday: 5k run, 12 mile bike, 5k run (1200)
Tuesday: off
Wednesday: off
Thursday: 45 mins running speedwork (625)
Friday: 40 mins arc trainer (500)
Saturday: 25 mile bike, 10k run (1900)
Sunday: off

So, my question this week – is there anything you gave up to accomplish a goal (be it food/weightloss related or anything else) that you’ve decided to let back in?  Is there anything that used to be super important to you that you’re learning you can do without?

So it’s July, and that means the year is half over (huh?  how the heck did that happen?  someone tell me…), so that means it’s time to take stock of how I’m doing on this year’s goals.

1.  This is the most important and different one for me – for one year, I am going to not attempt to lose weight.  As long as I maintain under 155, I’m going to put any pressure on myself to take off weight.  I’m going to focus on my running, and continuing to eat healthy.  This break really put into perspective how healthy I usually eat – I’m not eating horribly at all, but I’ve been feeling blech from eating not homecooked food for most meals and the sweet crap around the house (popcorn, almond roca, truffles, etc etc).  Now, if I *do* take off weight somehow, I’m not going to be opposed to it, but the biggest present I’m giving to myself this year is the gift of stepping on the scale, and not wanting to be less than I am, for once in my life.

I have not had a weigh in under 155.  Hell, I haven’t had a weigh in in almost a month and a half.  However, I am continuing to maintain what feels like a healthy weight that fuels my training and I haven’t had to buy new pants (I’m just having to avoid the smallest ones).  Eventually, I would like to bring my weight back down around 150.  However, I’m coming to terms with the fact that it may not be due to a calories in calories out thing, and I am spending the last half of the year trying to clean up my eating (less sugar, eating more for lunch, etc).

2.  Running – I want to do a half marathon in under 2 hours, and I want to run a full marathon (no pace goal, just run the whole thing… well, who am I kidding, I’ll have a pace goal by the time I finish training, but anyhoo…) this year.  After that, decide what’s next.  Martial arts?  Triathlons?  More marathons?  Ultras?  Also, I want to make sure to not forget stretching and yoga.  That’s when I start getting injured like I am now with hurty butt.

Well, I got super sick and am just glad I finished that half within 3 mins of my PB hacking and coughing.  I decided to go a different way and am NOT pursuing marathons at this time (just think about training in the 98 and humid outside today makes me happy I decided against it…), and instead going after first a sprint and then an olympic triathlon.  I’ve thought about them in the future, and ever since I did the Du in April and loved it, and figure that swimming a mile, biking 25, and running a 10k back to back is about as athletic an endeavor as a marathon.

I’m also thinking another half in November.  The same half I was going to do the marathon since they have one.  I just need a little revenge.  I am planning on trying a completely different approach… for the last one I was SO WELL TRAINED.  I got my 5k PB by barely training and just busting it out on race day.  I’m going to run, sure, but I’m going to do less focused training, just make sure I feel capable of the distance with some long runs and have loose legs with some speedwork, and maybe even work some hills in there so I’m ready for those and see if I can get a PB.  Even if it’s just 2:15:59.

I have been really really bad about stretching/yoga lately.  I’m feelin’ it.  I’ll consider this a reminder to get back to it.

3.  I will dedicate 6 hours per week to writing, revising, reading other books, or outlining.  I want to finish what I started for NaNoWriMo, and then move on to another one.  It would be peachy keen if I could do some necklaces, I would love to start songwriting, but I think this is my year of writing.

Just EPIC FAIL here beyond actually getting into a fantasy novel series I’m slowly working through.  2010 is not the year for this.  I’m totally ok letting it fall off the radar.

4.  I’m not sure exactly what I want to say here, but I want to figure out what’s next career-wise.  I have spent the last few years keeping my head down and trying to stay out of the way so I can support the creatives, get my check, and go on my way.  That is SO not me.  I can’t continue to do that forever.  I might not have the ability to get what I want just yet, but I want to have a direction by the end of the year.

Number 3 really fell off due to a big change here with #4.  I got the opportunity in February, and got the official title last month, and it’s been an entirely awesome but…life .  My brain is a little more wasted and in need of unwinding at the end of the day.  It used to be screaming for a creative outlets.  Now my job is one big creative outlet.  I had figured I had topped out in the games industry and needed to explore other options, now I know I just had to be patient.  In the 5 years I held the same position and felt like my career stagnated, I lost over 100 lbs, ran 2 half marathons, moved halfway across the country, bought a house, got married, and a bunch of other stuff I’m surely forgetting.  So I’ll take it.  But I’m definitely ready to rock.

5.  Some one liners: Travel outside the country.  Be more spontaneous.  Continue to whittle down my smoking.  Try something new with my hair.  Continue to draw things out of the magic hat.  Host some game nights at the house.   Attempt to keep a cleaner house so it’s not embarrassing when someone comes over unannounced.  Do more industry events and get over my boredom with networking for networking sake.  Play more games.  Continue to live a life where I can have at least ONE memorable thing I do each month (2009 has many more than 1 per month, but that’s my absolute minimum requirement).

Mexican/Caribbean cruise in Jan. and then Italian/Grecian Honeymoon next year.  This year, it’s been all lower 48.  The money will be there next year so it’s ok.  I’ve been working on being better with spontaneous eating and plans but it’s still a challenge.  I am smoking much less than I was in January.  Hair has been chopped.  Magic hat has been lonely, but we have been definitely having adventures.  House cleaner = fail… I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to pay someone.  Been a *little* better about industry events.  Been playing more games than when I wrote this, but still would like to play more.  And…uh… my life rocks.  Most every week there is something memorable.

All in all, the year is definitely not going as planned, but it’s going swimmingly.  So how is your year going?  What is your biggest success this year?  What’s something that you want to focus on in the latter half of 2010?