Adjusted Reality

Just a quickie.  This is shaping up to be a crazy busy week and it’s not stopping.  So let me quickly pontificate on what went in and out of my body last week and what’s to come.

Last week:

Monday: didn’t track because I was out of town.  I’m going to say that I probably ingested about 2500 calories and didn’t move my ass at all.

Tuesday: 1555 calories in – 728 (9 mile bike, 5k run brick) calories out = 827 (super oops – just wasn’t hungry past dinner and it was really empty calories or nada so I chose nada)

Wednesday: 1958 calories in – 487 (5 mile walk) calories out = 1471 (I made up for the above huge calorie deficit on Cinqo de Drink0)

Thursday: 1508 calories in – 350 (DDR for about 40 mins) = 1158

Friday: 1826 – 478 (4 mile run) = 1348

Saturday: 1720 – 604 (12 mile bike ride) = 1116

Sunday: 1855 – 760 (35 mins hardcore lap swim, 45 mins light swimming) = 1095

Average Intake: 1846

Average Calories Out: 486

Average Net Calories: 1360 (high, but still within loss range)

Weight: 161.2 (+1 from last week, -1.8 overall)

Yep, that’s an appropriate response.  I’m a little bummed about the weight as this should be prime weight loss time, but honestly?  My body is telling me something is off.  I’ve been feeling decidedly not right.  I’ve had um…let’s just say tummy weirdness on and off (cut my run short Friday, plagued me over the weekend, and I’ve felt like a sack of air Monday and Tuesday).  That same run landed me a minor heel issue (which I haven’t had in FOREVER).  So my body is telling me something and I need to treat it well, with good food and the proper amount and methods of ass moving.

On the docket this week is a lot more low impact stuff.  A week completely off running if I can stand it.  With this whole new biking and swimming thing, plus DDR and cybil the arc trainer, I have plenty of other options.  So I’m hoping that I can work through this body stuff, have my growly guts settle down soon, and see some nice sub-160 numbers later this week.

This Week’s Plan:

Monday: 12 mile bike -40 mins, 20 min – arc trainer (700)
Tuesday: off
Wednesday: 45 min arc trainer (550)
Thursday: 30 mins swim (800 yds), 30 mins weights (300)
Friday: 9 mile bike, 30 mins weights (450)
Saturday: 15 mile bike outside (600)
Sunday: 30 mins swim, 30 mins weights (500)

A Note on Tri-training:

This is, I guess, my first week training for the tri.  I figured that I’d be more into having a big long planned out formal training program, but I didn’t find a plan that sold me.  And I’ve been really too busy to put together a full custom multi week one.  And…I know I can complete the sprint distance (confirmed Sunday when I swam half a mile – it wasn’t EASY but I wasn’t completely wasted after).

It’s not a matter of building distance/endurance until I decide to try an Olympic.  It’s a matter of improving my horrible swimming stroke form (are you SURE I can’t breaststroke instead of freestyle?) and getting my butt used to biking 12-15 miles at a time.  I’m comfortable with about 9-12 but I’m definitely READY to get off then.  Also needed: getting comfortable going as fast as I do indoors… I find myself braking on the downhills when I go above 15 mph on the bike.  I’m still a little afraid of going fast and think I need to explore some bike tracks (no cars, no people, just bikes) to improve.

My goal right now is to concentrate on getting at least 2 runs, 2 swims, and 2 bikes in per week.  Monday seems to be a good bike/run brick day each week, and I’ll probably try to do at least a few swim/bike bricks (and knowing me, I’ll want to swim/bike/run at least once).  I want to also work in at least 1-2 days of sprints/speed work once I get more comfortable with biking/swimming as we all know how much I loved the hell outta that during half training (I’m not being facetious, I actually really miss sprints.  I know, I’m a sick puppy.)

As of right now, I’m going to set my time goal for the sprint at 1:40.  30 mins swim (800 m), 40 mins bike (11.2 mi), 30 mins run (5k), absorbing transitions into it.

Is it just me, or is this week somehow going slow and too fast at the same time?  Argh.  Need more hours in the day that are NOT taken up by work or working out.  I love both of them, but I have so_many_other things I want to do with my time too.  Eh, I guess it’s just too bad that I have too many awesome things in my life to do.  Boo hoo.  Anyone else struggling even though the numbers are adding up?  Suggestion for tri training?  For calming uggy tummies?

Deep thoughts by Quix time.  This post has been welling for a while.  Charlotte started it, and then reminded me about it again.  And I’ve been ridici-busy so I have been posting the facts about the new project: maintenance weight, but not much of the feelings.

I am, in quite a few areas of my life, a control freak.  In certain instances, I do just the opposite – for example, I like going into interviews (where I am the interviewer, not the interviewee) without even a glance at the resume.  I find that I make better character decisions having no preconceptions about my subject.  I never run race courses or even study them before the fact, because I find I run better without knowing what to dread.  It might have bit me in the ass for the Austin Half, but with my illness, I might not have had it in me to run up those hills even if I would have run more conservatively.

However, in general, to borrow a catch phrase from a friend’s live journal, I am the girl with a map and a plan.  I derive as much pleasure from plotting the course as traveling it, and probably even more than actually being there.  I feel like I missed out on an awesome part of the experience if things are too spontaneous.  I spend days and days searching for the optimal flight times, best hotel for the price, and the best days to go on vacation.  Zliten is perfectly happy just to nod his head, put in for the time off, and hop the plane with me.  Same with my weight loss.  I enjoy making a plan down to the itty bitty details, the mental toughness and process of following through with it, and arriving at the end as expected.

I love exercise because it’s very black and white.  Sure, there are the grey areas of “well, I planned to run 6 miles but only ran 4”, but they’re rare, and it’s even rarer that I end the week with significantly less calories burnt or training completed than I expected.  It’s generally go or no go.  If I’m sick, an emergency comes up, injured, or very very occasionally just poop out and need an extra day off, I don’t go.  Otherwise, I go and do what I’ve set out to do.  It’s not an issue for me anymore.

Eating – for some reason this is my Achilles heel.  Workouts are 45-90 mins of my day.  Eating is something I have to be conscious of every waking moment.  I enjoy eating.  I enjoy eating both healthy food, and unhealthy food.  I plan my meals out for the week, but I also find that I incur personal resentment and also the resentment of others if my eating plan takes away the ability to engage in spontaneous opportunities of socializing.  So sometimes even though I had planned to eat that fish, brown rice, and veggies dinner, I find myself somewhere else, needing to pick from the lesser of two evils.

Therein lies the rub.  Sure, I know there is the option to go socialize without overdoing.  Every Wednesday (well, every Wed when we can) we go to trivia night.  Said night is at a beer/wine bar that serves delicious food.  My compromise with myself is that if we grab something quick at home and I get up early to get in a workout to burn some calories, I can have a few glasses of wine.  I’ve come to terms with this, but I still drool over everyone’s food at the table while we play because a) it looks good b) I’ve shortcutted myself calories to drink wine because to make it there by 7 and already be fooded, I can’t get much of a workout in unless I’m up before the crack of 8am.

However, since it’s a planned thing, I deal.  And it’s totally worth it because it’s fun.  Now the problem lies when it’s a random “hey, let’s go out for dinner and drinks tonight”.  I am able to keep a semblence of a social life and wanton care and regard for calories only due to PROPER PLANNING.  If I know I’m going out (aka, last nights chicken fajitas, chips, and margaritas), I do the lean and mean thing the rest of the day (700 cals for breakfast, lunch, and snacks).  When that’s sprung on me, I don’t abide well.  I try to eat more during the day because it makes me happier and feel better.  If I’ve eaten a big healthy lunch and then I have to go out and watch people chow on things that look great while I push around a salad, it does not make me happy (or a fun person to be around).

I used to be better at it.  It was much more urgent to me before to be strict with myself.  At first it was to get my life back.  Then it was to finally feel hot and look good for once in my adult life.  The problem is twofold now – there isn’t this urgency all the time in my brain to eat the right thing.  It’s so hard to really care about this 10 lbs every moment of the day like I used to.  Sure, it bugs the crap outta me when I’m getting dressed and I have two pairs of jeans I can’t wear anymore and a few shirts that seem to have shrunk (!).  While I know I need to care, it’s HARD on a daily basis to feel it is such an emergency that I need to deny my hungries.  Also – eating more doesn’t just make me happier, it gives me the ability to excel more at this newfound “being an athlete” thing.  When I create a deficit in my calories, I also see the ability to go faster/further than before get a lot harder.  I know it has diminishing returns (I’ll hit a certain point where I’m carrying more weight and it will in turn slow me down) but it feels GOOD just to give myself permission to properly nourish and feed my body what it wants.

I think the problem is I’ve tasted the freedom.  I spent a good chunk of 3 years feeling that losing weight was an urgent task and priority – an emergency if you will.  I then spent some time without focusing on that.  It’s like finally finding a shoe that fits you perfectly.  Sure, you thought those other ones were fine, but after walking on air, they might as well be 6 inch stilettos that pinch and wobble.  Walking these miles in my old shoes has not been fun.  I hate the mentality that I just “want to lose the weight quickly so I can get back to real life” but it’s there.  I’m not doing anything totally drastic or unhealthy to do it, but I am restricting.  It’s not as if I’m clamoring to go back to 3 meals of fast food a day – but just the ability to nourish my body completely.

The main problem is – I feel like I can’t eat the kind of food I used to, like I have to be super careful now.  I used to get by just fine on most of my meals being restaurant and take out.  We were lucky to have a few dinners at home per week and EVERY lunch out.  Now, when I have more than a meal or 2 out in a row I see it on the scale and feel it.  I have a few standbys that fit into my life (sandwich shops, salad bars, build-a-burrito places, chinese buffet near our house loaded with veggie dishes, etc etc) but I think I’ve trained my body too well over the last year or so.  It wants good quality lean meats, mass quantities of vegetables and fiber, sufficient portions of carbs, way more fats than I used to consume (and I’m still on the low side of normal), just enough calcium (no cheese used to be a standby on my weight loss tactics), and tons of fruit.  There is just not much room in there for junk food, or I feel deprived nutritionally.  And if I can’t enjoy junk food occasionally, I feel deprived in my soul.  It’s a catch 22.  Intuitive eating has bit me in the ass, my friends.

Basically, my problem is I can’t pick at food like I see my friends do.  You there – I just don’t understand how a plate of food is in front of you and you’re not just nom nom nomming it down?  How are you picking at it and leaving half and just not all consumed by the experience and the pleasure and the taste of that which is in front of you?  How do you make do with so little nourishment in your body?  How much of my hungry is mental and how much of it is actually my body crying out for food?

Now, I’m not saying I’d like to develop eat-like-a-bird syndrome all the time.  I’d just like to be able to go to a restaurant, order something small, and know that LIFE WILL BE OK.  Because right now, it’s not.  I eat restaurant size portions at home of big, lovely, wonderful healthy food.  And it’s ok.  My problem is my body does not cope well when we have to have itty bitty meals (which are the same amount of calories) when we go out.  When we eat at friends’ houses.  Is it possible that I just chew through more nutrients than the average person even though the weight loss has been PAINFULLY slow and even more PAINFUL to facilitate with tracking each bite, making sure not only to get enough exercise but on the proper days, and now I have this crazy limitation that everything has to be healthy because I now require crazy volumes of food?  ARGH!

To provide reference: yesterday I had a 20g protein 200 calorie breakfast bar, an 8 inch turkey sandwich with cheddar (470 calories), an orange (70 cals) and an asian pear (60 calories) for snacks.  I had some  almonds when I got home (100 calories) and then worked out, then 6 oz mahi mahi, 3/4 cup brown rice, and veggies (500).  I also had a treat of 2 marshmallows (carmel marshamallows just a little warmed in the microwave) and 2 hershey kisses (100).  I found myself table-knawing hungry before lunch, before my snack, and DEFINITELY before dinner.  It doesn’t help that Zliten has the opposite reaction to me most days after work and either works out or has a beer or 2 (both which take away his appetite and then we end up eating around 9pm).  Lots of good healthy food – right?  And this was a particularly good day.

The problem lies when I have to get out of my comfort zone – say Wednesday when I was saving up calories for cinqo de mayo festivities.  I got chicken fajitas w/ corn tortillas, which would have been pretty lo cal – but I was TOO HUNGRY to leave the beans, rice, and tortilla chips alone.  It wasn’t that they were there and I was eating them because of it…I was geniuinely hungry.  I knew I should stop eating at about half the beans and rice but I was not yet full.

I definitely know my appetite has changed because Zliten and I can sit down to a meal, and I’ll finish mine and he’ll stop partway through sometimes.  Or we’ll both finish and he will complain how full he feels and I’m just like READY.  For example, last night, I polished off a serving of chips, the ENTIRE plate of fajitas, all the rice and beans, and felt satisfied.  I could have probably immediately gone out for a brisk walk or slow jog.  Zliten ate about 3/4 of what I did and felt so full he was going to DIE.

My theory is that long distance running had some semi-permanent change to the way my body processes calories that is JUST NOT GOING AWAY this time.  I noticed that I rarely ever feel that 8-10 on the hungry-full scale, my food settles way faster and I’m ready for activity sooner, and I just require MORE MORE MORE.  Wonderful if you’re training for a long distance race.  Bad if you’re trying to lose weight and stick to a calorie count.

The saving grace is that even through all these issues, I am actually making snail’s pace progress.  Even though I loathed to admit my weight had crept up to 163.0, I’m glad I was honest so I know that I’ve lost just under 3 lbs, even if my weight is STILL in the 160’s most days.  Even if it’s a fight to the death with my appetite and body, I can still do this safely and slowly.  It’s just taking a LOT longer than I had hoped.

I’d continue on but I’m too hungry.

Now please – share with me.  How do you cope with the hungries?  Do you think this is in my head?  Have any suggestions for me?  Natural appetite suppressants?  Horror stories to share?  Please hit me up and tell me I’m not the only one…

I don’t really know if numbers are even really worth it this week.  I’ll attempt, but it all just sorta fell apart.  I hate when that happens – but sometimes you go splat and it’s for a good reason.  Spending time present and attentive in your body makes one very conscious of whether you need the drill sergeant mentality or the mommy mentality.  Sometimes, I just need to tell myself “quit yer bitchin’ and get to work”, but sometimes, I just need to give in.  The end of this week was giving in.  And while I’d certainly like to report better progress, I’ll take it.

Monday: 1403 calories in, 0 out (oops) = 1403 calories

Tuesday: 1709 calories in, 624 out (5 mile run) = 1085 calories

Wednesday: 1558 calories in, 300 out (30 mins DDR) = 1258 calories

Thursday: 1891 calories in, 580 out (45 mins HARD arc trainer) = 1311 calories

Friday: 1647 calories in, 0 out (oops again) = 1647 calories

Saturday: 1559 calories in, 123 out (oops again!) = 1436 calories

Sunday:  approx 3000 calories in, probably about 1000 out = vacation badness (but totally worth it)

Average per day intake: 1823

Average per day output: 375

Average per day net calories: 1449

Weight: 160.2 (-1 from last week, -2.8 for the month)

Not stellar, but it could be worse.  Although it pains me because I’ve been lower this month and I’ve been way lower last year, I have turned the gain train around.  I weigh 2.8 lbs less this month than I did last month at this time.  I can actually feel it too, oddly enough. As much as 3 lbs barely matters when you’re 265 – it’s HUGE when you’re so very close to your maintenance weight.  So if I can take down another 3 lbs this month, I’ll be even that much closer.

I’m hoping to get a good week in this week with the eating, and again with the less crazy workouts.  Although it’s pre-training time for the tri, so it will be a challenge to rein in my crazy – but looking at training programs (you know I have), there isn’t a huge daily commitment.   Most have you doing 20-60 mins 6 days per week, and I think I can roll with that and still keep the calories restricted until I try to push through and do that Olympic.

Plan this week:

Monday: off

Tuesday: 30 mins bike, 5k run

Wednesday: weights, 4 mile walk

Thursday: 30 mins DDR, 30 mins bike

Friday: 4-5 mile run

Saturday: bike ride, weights

Sunday: swimming laps at the ‘rents (yay swimming)

…or something like that.  By next week I should hopefully have a) a better plan for where I’m going to regularly swim (because I love seeing my parents and all, but a 4o minute drive or more in traffic each way is not going to exactly motivate me to swim regularly) and b) a training program.  Considering I already completed 75% of the bike distance and the full run back to back yesterday, I think I’ll be ok, but I am definitely nervous about the swimming.  So, if this week I can concentrate on good nutrition, not pooping out and completing at least A workout each day that’s scheduled (don’t know what was up my behind last week but I sure was pouty) and figuring out the swimmy thing, I think I’ll have a good week/good loss/good mental space heading into training.

The mommy won out last weekend and I pampered myself.  I enjoyed a few extra days off, a really yummy pizza, the best filet mignon and loaded baked potato I’ve ever had, and drank whiskey and watched the sunset.  This week, it’s back to the drill sergeant.  And I’m ready for it.

So, even with some weirdness and uncertainty with the legality of having the correct permits, Warrior Dash went on and it was a damn good time.  Normally, I go into races with one focus: running as fast as I can for the duration.  Mental toughness, beating my time, super serious meeting face etc etc.   I take pains to be well rested before and train properly and do things methodically to make race day as successful as possible.  However, the last two races showed me that not every race needs to be that way.  And that’s ok.  Naw, that’s better than ok – it was a blast.

Saturday, we made shirts.  We wanted to make sure we got at least one unmuddy picture.  Here’s a closeup:

Yes, we ran the race in the name of iguana poop.  It’s a great picture of her though, isn’t it?  So Saturday ended up getting away from us, and we didn’t finish packing until about midnight.  Which means getting to sleep around 1230ish.  And then getting up at 630-ish.  Middle of the night for me, and about 2-3 hours too little sleep to boot.  However, the goal was to leave at 7am just in case it was super traffic-y.  We left at 730am, and pulled up to the race around 11am.  Our heat was at 2pm.  With the 3 hours we had to kill, we spent it all on our feet.  We walked probably about 2 miles going  back and forth to the car for various things.  The nice thing was I felt very warmed up, but on the flip side, my legs were actually kinda sore BEFORE the race from standing around.

Zliten is ready to rock!  We headed to the start line around 1:35 after some stretching and after hearing the pre-race announcements about 20 times.  Don’t go in the lake, it’s filled with bear traps (or uboats or shattered lightbulbs), get your finishers medals that were made by Australian 4 armed nuns (or Polish men with 2 glass eyes or orphans) and keep moving.  Finally, it’s time to go, the flames shoot up, and we’re off!

We decided to stick together just in case we needed to help each other through obstacles, and it was a great decision.  Through the straight and dry areas, I pushed Zliten to run a little faster probably than he would have liked, but through the super muddy or uneven terrain, he was outpacing me.  The obstacle parts were something else though… wild.  The first wind tunnel was just like running into a big industrial sized fan, but next – the first mud pit.  At first I was a little hesitant, but it felt GREAT.  I wore my old black shoes from the half marathon in February, so they were already destroyed so I didn’t care about getting them dirty, and STILL FELT LIGHT even after being bogged down with mud and completely wet.  Score!

After some slipping and sliding, we hit dry ground again and took off running.  I barely felt like we ran at all through the race – there were obstacles about every quarter mile.  There was the mudslide (yes, sliding down the side of a hill on your butt), a long trek through a river, climbing up a muddy cliff, more mud pits, swimming through a lake over logs (which took some coordination – much easier with the inertia of 2-4 people going up and over), jumping over big obstacles, and probably some other stuff I’m forgetting.  Then, we rounded the corner to the finish.  First, we had to cross two hurdles…OF FIRE (I’m hoping the pro-race peeps got pics because those could be awesome)!  Then, the last mudpit… crawling under barbed wire!

We got sufficiently disgusting, found each other, grabbed hands, and sprinted to the finish line together!  We got our medals, and then got in line to get hosed down.  This was AFTER applying liberal amounts of water to us.  Definitely not good clean fun, but it was awesome.

Muddy tires are badass!  We grabbed our stuff from bag check, and enjoyed our free beers and watched and cheered other people on near the finish line.  I’ve never actually stuck around after a race and cheered other people on – I’m usually way too wiped and just want to go HOME, but it was a blast.  You can see some of the awesome costumes here – next year, I think we’ll go for something crazy cool, but for this year, it was fun just to watch the guys and gals in tutus, banana men, and such.

Around 5pm we were beat and called it a day, and dragged our poor, sunburnt selves back to the hotel.  Pro tip: sunscreen is good.  Applying it would have been best at 11am when we got there, even though it was cloudy and cold.  Applying it around 1230 when we made the third trip to the car and it was starting to warm up would have been almost as good.  Even after the race at 3pm before sitting out in the sun for 2 more hours would have been good.  But nope, we is dumb bunnies, so we are both lovin’ the aloe today.

All in all, a great experience.  I didn’t expect to spend that long at the race and didn’t expect it to be that badass of a time.  We’re already pretty much in for next year and thinking possibly about traveling to another location (Denver?  So Cal?) and/or doing ours and trying to get a big group together.  I love doing races with Zliten and really getting to appreciate adventure racing.  There are a lot of these type of events after looking into it – the Muddy Buddy, Tough Mudder, Jail Break, and more.  While I don’t think I’ll hang up my clean shoes and stop doing traditional road races, this makes for a totally fun afternoon and a completely different type of experience!

EDIT: If you’re curious about the course experience, there is a great helmet cam video here.  Turn off the music unless you like angry white boy screamy rock.

It’s been a heck of a week.  Seems like that happens often lately, but hey, such is life.  Another list of random stuffs numbered randomly?  Don’t mind if I do.

1.  We finally hit a milestone we were about 3 weeks late on due to various circumstances.  We’re still doing a little tying up loose ends and cleanup, but it feels good to be mostly done.  I definitely missed this – I’ve spent most of my career managing and working with live MMO games so it feels natural to be back to it.

2.  Thursday (yesterday), I worked out in the morning (45 mins on the arc trainer), I went to work, got through the morning, had a long meeting in a dark room, and emerged soooo tired.  I was thinking, “Geez, how am I going to get through a workout tonight” and then realized I had already worked out.  That was a nice realization.  I’m kinda tired today too and my day ends around 6:30 and THEN I have an hour and a half at the gym.  I wish I could have a repeat of yesterday.  Boo.

3.  I seem to be falling into the same rut of eating too little during the day and then being a hunger monster and eating a lot at night.  I’m sure it will work out over time, but when I’m getting on the scale in the morning, it’s not helping my numbers I’m sure.  My problem is I’m just so so so busy during the day I’m not that hungry, and then when I get home it just HITS ME.  I’m thinking bigger breakfasts might be the way to go next week, especially on high octane workout days.

4.  I think we’ve decided to drop the South Padre trip and spend the money instead on camping gear, a bike rack, a fishing license for me, and perhaps some such thing as a wet suit or other improvements to our tri-gear.   I had a lot of fun camping for the Du Loop, and I figure that I can either spend the dough on ONE trip, or get the supplies to be able to go have a fun weekend away any time we want.  I also wish to be a more outdoorsy, less “roughing it = a hotel without a pool and pillowtop mattress” type gal – so I shall do what I aspire to be and see if it works out.  Although…I’m still a big fan of fancy hotels.  That is never gonna go away.

5.  Thursday (yesterday) I took the iguana to the vet for one of her last checkups (hopefully) for a while.  She decided that she wanted to express her distaste by pooping in her carrier, which also happens to be the rock band drum box.  Sigh.  The good news is her belly is healing nicely and so is her paw.  She is able to even get in the bath again after a month and just looked so happy about it all night!

6.  Warrior dash is on and it’s Sunday.  We’re making t-shirts for it but we can’t decide what they should say yet.   Any suggestions?  Bad Ass?  Lily Livered Lizard Lovers? If You Can Read This I Haven’t Found The Mud Pit Yet?  Something witty and warrior-like… we just haven’t figured it out yet.

7.  After it’s over – we’re heading to a nice little hotel in Dallas for some swimming, lounging, nice dinner, and some drinky-poos.  We want to stay fairly near the hotel (which is fairly near downtown, I guess), but is there anything super cool that we should check out if we have a little time in the afternoon?  I have a feeling after the race we’ll be more in the mood for the pool but just in case…

Not really a deep thought-y type of post, but that’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods.  I will do my normal weigh in for the week on Sunday morning (since I’ll be out of town Monday) and probably have the normal weekly recap Tuesday.  More un-fluff posts soon, I hope…. until then, here is my doing my best walrus-bunny impression at our weekly pho-riday meeting.

Happy weekend!  Hope the weather is as beautiful there for you as it is here.