Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Author: Quix Page 167 of 217

Injuries – Then and Now

Today is brought to you by the I-word.  Yeah, injuries.  No, thank my lucky stars, I don’t have another one.  I’m actually feeling pretty great, thanks, minus a little fatigue from walking 6 miles yesterday which should hopefully subside as I sit on my ass all day at the office.  If it were a normal week, I’d be taking today off, running Tu/Thu/Sat, but life got in the way.  I’ve got a dentist appt and an industry meetup tomorrow, and lunch with the ‘rents Wednesday, so if I don’t run today I will have to get up WAY WAY too early to squeeze it in, so that makes the decision a done deal for me.

Now the reason that I’ve got injuries on the brain is THIS POST.  Mizfit captures my awe for 1) being so type B to my type A that she can just go run when she feels like it without a specific goal/race/program/etc and 2) she says she has never been injured.  Holy crap, woman, that is an accomplishment!

I’ve spent most of my life being a walking injury.  Only NOW am I realizing how abnormal that is and should be.  My excuse for everything used to be my weak ankles (if it wasn’t my size, heh).  This guy is pretty abnormal too.

When I was a wee thing I fell in love with gymnastics.  I loved the flipping, twisting, adrenaline rush associated with running full bore into something springy and propelling myself up into the air.  But as we all know, what comes up must come down.  And it doesn’t always come down quite as planned when you’re doing this over and over 5-6 times per week for 4-7 hours per day.

It’s worth mentioning that I was a fairly large gymnast, both height and mass-wise – even with all that training I was 5’3″ (I must mention that I grew 2 inches at age 16 when I quit – within probably 3 months…) and 115-125, so a fairly average weight/BMI.  I don’t look scary skinny in those pictures, I look like a normal human.  This is great for not being picked on in school, but rough on the joints.  Oh, I got pretty far because I was determined/stubborn, and I was pretty fearless, but it got to the point where to advance, the cost just seemed too high.

You see, for about the year before I quit, I had a routine.  Every day when I was getting ready, I would pop 2-4 advil, completely tape up both ankles, pull braces over the taped ankles, put on special slippers that provided a little more stability/support, and off I went.  I mean, any sane person would realize that it was time to take a break and let myself recover, right?  Well, not me, because I was a stubborn ASS and I had 2 years left before recruiters would be looking at me and I needed to get better so I could get a scholarship or life would fall apart and and and… yeah.

And my coaches never helped much – I remember the day before I came down with chicken pox I was fevery and shaky and I was almost in tears because I felt SO AWFUL but it was two days before a big meet so I was trying to push through but kinda failing.  I was yelled at, called a baby, so I got up, did what I had to do, then went and pretty much passed out on the floor while stretching.  Same with injuries – if it wasn’t in a cast, they didn’t believe it hurt enough to stay off it.

But ya know, I found a sick satisfaction in working through injuries.  That I was tougher because of it.   That I was going to overcome.

Now I know how stooooooooopid that is.  Not that I don’t have the urges, but now I have science and logic backing me up. Y’know, the knowledge that pushing through workouts when you’re sick actually makes you LOSE fitness and not resting an injury makes that body part WEAKER, not stronger.  And the only coach I have calling me a baby is the one in my head – and I’ve got some good control over her.  I just say “SCIENCE” and she shuts the hell up.

Pic unrelated, but cute!  Anyhoo, I also train much smarter now.  I don’t RELISH the strength training, but after the AMAZING gains I saw in my running post 30-Day-Shred, I am a believer.  I wish I remembered where I saw the quote, but you have to earn your right to run by strengthening and maintaining your body. In gymnastics/diving, it was just the icky I had to look like I was doing so my coaches didn’t yell at me.  For some reason, I never put two and two together that if I really ROCKED the conditioning, then I might get better.

I make sure my running has periods of ebb (running 5k distance 2 times per week and lots of cross training) and flow (last week’s mileage? 30.5 miles).  Also, I’m very in tune with my body and try to listen when it whispers so I don’t get knocked the fuck out when it shouts at me.  I know that I’ll never be immune to acute injuries like tripping and spraining my ankle, but adequate warmups and cooldowns, rest, stretching, and incremental increases in mileage/pace instead of leaps will keep me from those evil chronic overuse injuries.   It’s odd to say that I hurt myself less at 30 than I did at 13, but it’s true.

So, internet-ians, what do you think?  What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?   Have you ever just tried to “rub some dirt in it” (or slap some tape on it in my case) and just keep going?  How bad do things have to get before you cancel your workouts and just rest?

p.s.  I don’t usually do this, but Chocolate Covered Katie is a very cool chick, a runner girl, and actually makes vegan eating look awesome.  She is also giving away a vita-mix, so please never ever visit her site because I want to win it.  Okie? 🙂

Second Half Marathon Training: Week 9

Well, this week was the week of almosts.  Of getting about 90%.  Of testing my limits and finding them.  Of just not quite having the juice to put up rock solid times, but close enough that I feel good about it.  The saying is close only counts for horseshoes and hand grenades, but I think it works for training too.  When close is still putting in the miles, and still feeling pushed to the limit, I’ll take it.

Monday’s run foretold a lot.  As I complained about here, I was just not recovered from my long run + epic night of drinking + crap food.  I’ve done that same workout before minus a mile, and I’ve never felt so bleh during a sprint before.  I made it through the first two, and *probably* could have held on during the third, but since I had four to do, I went ahead and slowed from sprint to tempo pace.  I was a little disappointed, but overall, it was not so bad.  I put in the miles, and just barely missed the mark.

Wednesday was the run I was super excited/nervous about.  I totally prepared, did everything right, and then I got to mile 6 and had to slow down or I was not going to make it.  On that day, I was simply unable to run that pace for that many miles.  6 miles or 7 miles?  I could have done it.  Not 8.

Saturday’s 11 mile run, I made the awesome decision/mistake to tackle the hill that fucked me up last week TWICE.  I just didn’t recover well after it, and most of my latter miles were either just under or just over the 10 min/mile pace.  I did finish the run at a 9:57 pace, and considering miles 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, and 10 were uphill, I”m calling this a win.  I think I’m going to pick something a little flatter for my 12 miler to see if I can hit the 9:40 pace.

So that being said, I’m feeling like I did what I could, though I am definitely starting to feel some muscle fatigue that isn’t recovering in my days between runs.  So – this training method is MUCH better than the run-more one, but it is not impervious.  Oh well.  The good news is that now my tempo runs start to taper, and two weeks from now, so does everything else.  So I just have to tell my stumps-for-legs that they just have to hold out a LITTLE longer, and then we can start getting rested for the race.

I still feel badass, I still feel strong, but I don’t really feel untouchable anymore.  Which is ok.  I was getting to be a little Cockypants McGee and while confidence is good, having some runs that don’t go your way helps you learn.  I learned a lot from the runs this week.  And though I could certainly have hoped for a little more out of all three, I definitely refreshed my memory on how to recover a run that’s not going my way and still kick about 90% as much ass.

By the numbers:

Monday: 4x 1600 sprints @ 8:25 pace  – check (did 2 @ pace and then 2 @ 8:50)

Tuesday: DDR circuits – check

Wednesday: 8 mile tempo @ 8:55 pace – check (ended up at 9:07 pace)

Thursday: DDR circuits – check

Friday: off

Saturday: 11 mile run @ 9:40 pace – check (ended up at 9:57 pace)

Sunday: off – actually cross trained (6 mile hike around the hood) for next week due to a) beautimous day and b) weekday shenanigans, so I can have an extra day off.

So, next week.  This week and next week, and then it’s taper.  Getting close!  Less than a month away!

Monday: 6×800 sprints @ 8:10 pace (4:05 per 800)

Tuesday: DDR circuits

Wednesday: yoga/off

Thursday: 6 mile tempo run

Friday: yoga/off

Saturday: 15k race pace (shooting for somewhere under 9:40)

Sunday: off

So a little less mileage, but 3 super intense fast pace runs.  If I can get through Monday’s on not-completely-rested legs, I think I will be alright.  Send good, happy, zippy thoughts!  What do you do when you’re partway through a run (or workout) and don’t think you’re going to make it?

Deep and Meaningful…

…just aint workin’ for me today.  So let’s finish up this doozy of a week with a snappy little 5 Random Things Post.  Tricked ya, didn’t I?  Just WAIT until you get a load of what I’m planning for April Fools Day (guess I should let ME know because I haven’t decided yet, tee hee).  Ok, it’s not even technically Friday, and my brain is in crazyland already.  This does not bode well…

1.  I still need to experiment more with it and I’ll do a whole post soon, but OMG, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my garmin forerunner.  I never realized what I was missing but OH GOD I don’t ever want to do another outside run without it.  It always bothered me that I didn’t exactly how far and how fast I was running (some days it didn’t matter to me but I never am opposed to having a reference).  The coolest thing?  It pulls data points about once a house and shows me my pace at each one.  And I can sort of watch my performance after the fact in a graph and go – “ok, that’s where I crossed the street, that’s where the hill started, that’s where I was booking it to make up some time, etc”.  You can import it into google earth even and I could see where I ran around someone who was blocking the sidewalk.  I never REALLY wanted one before (well I did but… it’s expensive!) but it’s seriously awesome.  Today, I’m going to play around with the heartrate monitor strap for my cross training workout. EDIT:  Boo, it doesn’t do heart rate indoors well.  It took my heart rate alright, but said I burnt 18 calories.  Not quite.

1b.  For those of you accustomed to doing 10+ mile runs, do you ever feel like you’re getting ready for a trip?  Workout clothes, sunscreen (if I remember), attach runner ID to one foot, attach shoe wallet with sport beans to other, apply body glide liberally to cleavage/arms, fill and attach camelback to myself, then strap on my zune, find my running sunglasses (they’re thinner and give me less owl eyes – yes, I’m vain), and in the winter find my headband?   It’s exhausting before I even start my warmup!

2.  I’ve been on the spark again calorie tracking.  I retroactively put in Monday and am still going today.  Oddly enough, it motivated me to eat LOTS and LOTS of good for me food.  Fancy that?  Yesterday, I felt so full I was afraid I was going to lose my cookies (err…carrots I guess) later on the ‘mill.  And I came about 250 calories under my goal because I just couldn’t put another damn thing in my cakehole.  Monday was a little under 200 under goal.  2000 calories of healthy food is HARD. 1500-1700 feels about right.  Good thing today is a cross training day, so 1500 is the goal.  I’m at about 1k now after a gigantic snack (carrots/pea pods/hummus/necatrine/jerky/wheat melbas and laughing cow), and looking forward to an awesome healthy dinner.

3.  The scale, it moved yesterday!  Yeah, I probably shouldn’t be weighing every day but since I’m tracking it seems to feel right to weigh every day.  And this morning it sung to me like a songbird, 156.0.  Only 1lb to go until I can start the “I-trust-myself-at-maintenance” counter.  I’m going to predict 2 weeks of tracking and then I’ll be able to go back to fumbling my way through it without numbers.  I totally know why I’m NOT doing this for the majority of this year.  I’m learning pretty well about how to be pretty un-neurotic about my food and just do this thing naturally, but I start getting crazy when I have to be SO accountable.  Great for weight loss, bad for trying to figure out a “rest of my life” thing.

4.  The weather, while NOT beautiful today, has gone from stupid cold (for us) as in highs in the 30s and lows in the 10s, to decent, meaning highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s, to rainy today and tomorrow, but starting Saturday and extending into next week, it’s supposed to be upper 60s/70s and lows in the 40s/50s.  I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD!  I missed this weather something terrible over the last few weeks.  Don’t ever leave me again!  It should be perfect conditions for a nice long run outside this weekend, and maybe I’ll have to see if I can get in a lunch/after work run next week before the sun sets.

5.  Uhhhm, I’m kind of out of ideas now, so I’ll just say Archer on FX is pretty much hilarious.

Have a great weekend, everyone!  I’ll probably be playing some rock band, running a lot, possibly going out on the town, and hopefully enjoying outside time on Sunday.  What’s your plans?

Writing in the Future Tense

**Note – I thought this would be a clever post, but upon rereading it, it feels very weird and disjointed.  Hopefully it makes some sense to y’all.  Also, super random funny pictures because it’s late and I’m lazy. /end disclaimer**

5pm:

So, I am SUPER NERVOUS about this tempo today.  8 miles @ 8:55 pace.  This is the run for all the marbles (if by marbles you mean confidence in the sillyfast pace I picked for myself which I do).  If I can hit this pace, I am convinced I can do anything.  This is also the LONGEST run I will have to do at this fast pace.  I’ve done 6 miles twice and the first time it was tough, and the second time I barely made it.  I am trying to channel the essence of time 1 when I wasn’t shooting darts through my brain at the inventor of the FIRST program after mile 2, and realize that all I have to do is add just a bit under 18 minutes to that fairly notsohard run.

If I just remember that #1 the pace is non negotiable and #2 I am not going to remember how hard it was, just if I finished it or not and #3 I never have to run this again at this pace – I should be all golden.  I have a good playlist, and I am about 1:30 away from hitting the ‘mill, but I doubt I’m going to finish the post before then, so instead I’m going to talk to you from the future.  I bet this guy would have liked a future-gram saying PROTECT THE FAMILY JEWELS, kthx.

Hi all!  It’s about 7pm and I’ve just gotten out of the shower after my run.  I am soooooo pleased to report that I was able to get through my 8 miles and keep my pace.  I’m totally pumped now because it means I can do ANYTHING! ROAR!  I have confidence a-plenty that I will ROCK my goal pace at this half coming up.

So I went into the day prepared.  I had a super 30g protein bar for breakfast, and made sure to stay SUPER hydrated all day.  I had a nice mild lunch that I know doesn’t aggrivate my tummy (seafood salad salad w/cilantro dressing) and kept feeding my face with healthy snacks (like pistachios, carrots and hummus, and fruit) so my fuel tank would be topped off and I’d be rarin’ to go.  I had also changed up my playlist and put all my favorite songs that make me pick up the pace so I didn’t run into silence around mile 6.5.

I got to the gym and warmed up and took off.  I decided that it seemed to work best last time when I started at 6.2 and worked up to 6.7 over the first half mile, so I did that.  Once I got there, it felt fast, but comfortable, and I threw my workout towel over the numbers and spaced out, getting really into my music.  I had even remembered to bring a second towel so I could cover the screen with one and wipe my sweaty face with another.

Miles 1 and 2 were uneventful.  Mile 3 started getting a little tough, but I focused on some happy news I got today and breathed through it and made it through my first 5k feeling strong.  I just kept repeating 5 miles to go.  You can do anything for 5 miles.  Look at how STRONG you look.  How STRONG you feel.  You are such a STRONG runner lately, how awesome is that?  Mile 4 – 5 seemed to go quicker, but 6 kinda dragged.  I was starting to feel it – this SHOULD be the end where I do my final sprint to the finish line, but I still had more to go.

I dug deep and reminded myself that this was the most important run before my marathon.  That if I can do this, I can do anything.  That though it was tough, I didn’t NEED to slow down, I just WANTED to.  That I would only remember if I did or didn’t do it, that there was no room for “I tried”.  That this was my longest tempo run I have to do.  That I have 2 days off running starting the moment the treaddy ticks to 8.0 miles.  These thoughts got me through the first half of mile 7, and then a really kickin’ song came on and I got buoyed up by that and barely noticed when I was onto mile 8.

When .5 miles to go hit and it was time to kick – my legs were barely my own, but my fingers were still within my control so I hit the speed increase every tenth and finished up the run at an 8:57 pace.

As Miz likes to say, I am my own superhero today.  Almost as super as Fire Breathing Al Gore.

After the gym, I shall come back and share how things really went in superfun strikeout text.

…ok back from the gym.  Here we go:

Hi all!  It’s about  7 9pm and I’ve just gotten out of the shower after my run finished my run, eaten dinner, had a beer, and am snugged up watching sci fi.  I am soooooo pleased to report that I was able to get through my 8 miles and *almost* keep my pace.  I’m totally pumped now because it still means I can do ANYTHING! ROAR!  I have confidence a-plenty that I will ROCK my goal pace at this half coming up.

So I went into the day prepared.  I had a super 30g protein bar for breakfast, and made sure to stay SUPER hydrated all day.  I had a nice mild lunch that I know doesn’t aggrivate my tummy (seafood salad salad w/cilantro dressing) and kept feeding my face with healthy snacks (like pistachios, carrots and hummus, and fruit) so my fuel tank would be topped off and I’d be rarin’ to go.  I had also changed up my playlist and put all my favorite songs that make me pick up the pace so I didn’t run into silence around mile 6.5.

I got to the gym and warmed up and took off.  I decided that it seemed to work best last time when I started at 6.2 and worked up to 6.7 over the first half mile, so I did that.  Once I got there, it felt fast, but comfortable, and I threw my workout towel over the numbers and spaced out, getting really into my music.  I had even remembered to bring a second towel so I could cover the screen with one and wipe my sweaty face with another.

Miles 1 and 2 were uneventful.  Mile 3 started getting a little tough, but I focused on some happy news I got today and breathed through it and made it through my first 5k feeling strong.  I just kept repeating 5 miles to go.  You can do anything for 5 miles.  Look at how STRONG you look (didn’t have a mirror spot).  How STRONG you feel.  You are such a STRONG runner lately, how awesome is that?  Mile 4 – 5 seemed to go quicker just about as painfully, but 6 kinda dragged.  I was starting to feel it – this SHOULD be the end where I do my final sprint to the finish line, but I still had more to go.

I dug deep and reminded myself that this was the most important run before my marathon.  That if I can do this, I can do anything.  That though it was tough, I didn’t NEED to slow down, I just WANTED to That I actually physically needed to slow down a little for just a little bit if I was going to make it through. That I would only remember if I did or didn’t do it, that there was no room for “I tried” That a strong finish was more important than pooping out at 7 miles.  That this was my longest tempo run I have to do. That I have 2 days off running starting the moment the treaddy ticks to 8.0 miles.  I took a tenth of a mile at 6.0 at the beginning of mile 6, and because I had to stop to reset the treadmill after 60 minutes, I slowed a tenth of a mile before and after stopping as to not shock myself into a stop from a breakneck pace. These thoughts got me through the first half of mile 7, and then a really kickin’ song came on and I got buoyed up by that and barely definitely noticed when I was onto mile 8.

I tried to start the kick at 1 mile to go to make up some time, but I had to slow down again because I felt physically spent, however… When .5 miles to go hit and it was time to kick – my legs were barely my own, but my fingers were still within my control so I hit the speed increase every tenth and then every 5 hundreths the last quarter mile and finished up the run at an 8:57 9:07 pace.

As Miz likes to say, I am still my own superhero today.

…no explanation for this one.  It just made me LOL.

Analysis:

So honestly, I’m going to give myself a B+.  Sure, I didn’t hit my pace.  Sure, I had to slow down.  Sure, it sucks BALLS that I was just 10 seconds per mile off my goal pace.  But – I was only 10 second per mile off my goal pace!  I felt pretty strong at the end of it.  I found that 8 miles was just a little too far today to keep one OMG CRAZY pace, but I did learn that it is way doable with a few slowdowns for recovery.  And if I can add 5 miles and stick pretty close to the pace I kept tonight, I will still beat my goal.  And… I firmly believe I run stronger outside, so I have that going for me.

Now, it’s up to me to keep training strong.  Somehow I had lead myself to believe in my sillybrain that if I did this run perfect, everything else would fall into place.  I didn’t do this run perfect, but I did good enough.  And that will just have to be good enough for my confidence.  I get another chance to rock it Saturday with an 11 mile run @ 9:40 minute miles, and then another 2 hard weeks of training to prove myself to myself before the taper.  Wish me luck!

Fluffy Fashion – Or The Post In Which I Offend Your Clothing Taste

So the weight verdict?  159.2.  Yeah.  So not cool at all.  I am back to tracking my calories in and out as such and weighing daily until I reach under 155.  I haven’t decided how many days I’m going to make myself weigh under 155 before I go back to normal life, but at least a few.  Honestly, I feel like my calorie allotments are WAY too high but I know the math makes sense for the training I’m doing.  Which is why I stopped tracking in the first place – 2000 calories feels like a fail/splurge but damned if my body doesn’t need it days I’m running hard.  I actually underate yesterday @ 1800 calories since it was a running day.

So we shall see.  I’ll report in soon and let you all know how my little experiment is going.  However, it’s almost hump day, so I think it’s time for a little fluff up in here, yeah?

And by fluff, I’m talking about fashion.  First, a PSA and a plea to everyone out there who has lost some weight or doesn’t have anything that fits them properly: GO SHOPPING.  This weekend.  Or right now.  There is nothing that makes you feel more fabulous than a few properly fitting outfits.  Get thee to a thrift store.  Over the last 3 years, I’ve had to pretty much get a whole new wardrobe each season, and I was able to do so for about 100 bucks by hitting up Savers, which gives you 20% off your purchase if you bring a donation.  Thrift store clothes on a discount.  This makes me a happy girl.

If that’s still out of your price range, at least pick up a few pairs of jeans that are the proper size and fit, a few shirts that make you feel fabulous, and a dress/skirt/dress outfit that befits a night out on the town.  If you have a dress code at work (I’m lucky as our only rule is really show up with your naughty bits covered), pick up a few work-appropriate outfits as well.  If you’re sad that no one has noticed your progress thus far, it’s probably because you’re wearing clothes that make you look bigger… they will after this!

So, you have no idea WHAT to purchase?  Well, let me help you with my opinions.  I may be getting old, but there is a lot of CRAP out there fashion-wise lately.  Here is my completely judgmental, skewed, and biased view of some of the things we call fashion today.

Things I LOVE:

1.  The sweater/knee skirt/tights/boots look.

This is seriously one of my favorite new fashions in a while.  I’ve seen it on curvy girls, skinny girls, topheavy girls, bottom heavy girls, and it just looks fantastic.  Polished, sophisticated, put together, but also fun and spunky.  Which leads to the next…

2.  Colored tights/patterned tights

Seriously so much fun.  I haven’t gotten into this as much as I’d like to as I have lots of patterned skirts and not that many plain (minus two minis that are not really office appropriate), and just don’t quite have the hang of pattern mixing.  But I have a great pair of zebra stripey ones that go well with my black dress(es) and the green and white stripey ones were fun for x-mas.  I have argyle ones and silver sparklies too but I haven’t worn them in a while.  DO WANT a nice pair of red, blue, and brown to go with my nude and black ones – but haven’t obtained yet.

Things I am learning to like:

1.  Skinny jeans (mostly as a vehicle for boots/heels)

Now, for the longest time I poo poo’d these, saying I wore them once, and I won’t wear them again and bought the biggest bellbottoms I could.  However, I’ve come to terms that treated properly, skinny jeans can be HAWT.  Like throw a pair of boots on top.  I tried to do this with a pair of my almost not-boot cut jeans and it didn’t work.  I need the real deal.  I’m thinking they could totally be amazing with heels too (which I have and don’t wear because I don’t have any pants that don’t eat them).  So, I ask the ladies out there – have you tried on these?  Did I just have x-mas bloat or do they run about 2 sizes smaller than normal jeans?

2.  Long sweaters:

Now, I also knocked these for the longest time, and then Zliten actually picked one up for me when he was out shopping.  I love it.  Somehow, it fits perfectly (which is a miracle) and is great for those days where I want something just super comfy and would rather be at home in my blanket, but don’t want to look like a complete ragamuffin in a sweatshirt.  It actually looks fairly cute and put together with a pair of not-super-wide leg jeans, boots, and a patterned scarf and you can almost pretend you’re in PJs!

Things I still hate:

1.  Non-maternity pregnant lady shirts

You would think that this might hide a little extra belly, right?  In most cases, OH SO WRONG.  The ONLY time I ever see these actually look good one people are fairly skinny gals with a little pooch.  If you have big shoulders and/or boobs, this will just make you look bigger.  If you have more than a little belly, this will NOT hide it.  If you are toned in the middle then HOLY GOD WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PSEUDO MATERNITY SHIRT? *deepbreath*

2.  Super long shirts

This is pretty much a dress I wore dancing in 1997 – oh, you mean it’s a shirt?  But it pretty much covers my ass!  I don’t know what is up with the whole shirt dress thing but I hate it.  Me = short torso.  Any shirts that go much beyond my hip bones look horrible with jeans.  I mean perhaps it’s because I’m not wearing super low rise jeans (see below), but I much prefer the actual dress-over-jeans look (and I’m not a fan, honestly) than fake-dress-over-jeans.   Maaaaaybe this is that one exception where leggings might work, but still, again, not a fan.

I think this may be my worst fashion pet peeve.  I can’t order t-shirts online because you never know how long they are going to be. and I can rarely find flattering ones even in stores (thank you, thrift stores….).

3.  Shirts that poof out on your stomach and then get tight on your hips:

I’ve been caught by these before.  This one isn’t particularly cute, but I’ve tried on some that are.  I like the gypsy sleeves and the hippie dippie look, and from the front it’s cute, right?  Well turn sideways and even if you don’t have a pooch, this shirt gives it to you.  And really, in what world is shirt-stretched-over-jeans-tightly cute and flattering for anyone?

4.  Super low rise jeans

Again, these look great on really skinny chicks with no belly fat.  On the rest of us NOT prominently displaying our hipbones, that natural little bit of bump below our belly button gets squished in the middle and looks ackward.  And honestly, no matter how cute you are, no one wants to see your ass crack.  Paired with the super long t-shirt you get rid of the risk of exposing yourself, but your belly just gets shoved out and even fairly small/fit girls look like they’re rockin’ the beer gut.

5.  Leggings

I wore them once (actually I LIVED in them in the 80s), I don’t plan to wear them again.  Whereas I can get on the skinny jeans train, I just don’t like them with heels.  It’s like wearing a super fancy skirt  and heels with an ironic t-shirt.  Sorry, try again.  I can see maaaaaybe wearing them with the long sweater with boots on top, but it’s almost a little too “pajama” for me.

6.  80’s sunglasses

Kayne, Im’a let you finish, but I think…well, wait, no YOU have the worst sunglasses of all time.  Go ahead, continue on.

That being said – don’t get offended.  I have a girlfriend that rocks the long shirts and they look GREAT on her.  Another one that almost exclusively wears leggings for a night out on the town and is tres fashionable.   It’s all about making it work for you.  But seriously, get thee out shopping.  Unless your closet is as full as mine, and if you can get away, go shopping anyway.  Zliten, you totally did NOT hear that. ::grin::

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