Adjusted Reality

If you’re hungry, why don’t you go ahead and skip this post?  Or not, this might actually gross you out.

Anyone else look at this and while feeling disgust, also feel a bit intrigued?  I mean, we’ve all seen the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt, the Gastronomic Surprise,  the Burgers the Size of Texas, and Donut Burgers….but they just seem surreal.  I mean, the pizza above is making my mouth water, but it’s just because I’ve had an unreasonable craving for pizza I haven’t satisfied yet – all it will take me is a slice or 2 of a Conan’s Savage Pizza and I’ll be good.  The rest of the page is just….eww.

I guess what irks me is… do we really need to encourage such gluttonous behavior?   When you’ve got food like that, somehow that makes burgers like these ok, even when they are more calories than a normal, weight-maintaining human should eat in a day, with fries.  Now, I’m all for indulging a craving.  I am going to have that damn pizza after I finish my 5k on Saturday with 100% no guilt.  However, I know myself, and even though it will be a “splurge”, I will eat probably 2 pieces and a salad (so about a 700ish calorie meal) and then go back to being my normal self until the next craving hits.

In my past life, we would order a large pizza, and for one meal eat half each.  Usually while imbibing some sort of adult beverage.  With this would usually come some sort of cheesy bread or wings.  But, since it’s not corn dog pizza, I figured I was ok.  Normal people order and split a pizza and some wings – it doesn’t seem so gluttonous.  Sure, it wasn’t an every day thing, but it sure happened more than I’d like to admit now.  If each slice of supreme pizza was about 270 calories, and each bread stick was about 150 calories…and we’d douse the whole thing in ranch, so that’s another 200ish calories…you’re looking at close to 2000 calories even BEFORE the booze.

So which is worse?   The gluttous websites that are popping up with ridiculous food like this, or the fact that food we consider “normal” like grabbing a burger at chilis or having pizza night with breadsticks and beer entails consuming more calories than a normal human should in one day?  Is it the outrageous feats of eating and culinary creation like the corndog pizza that are doing us in, or is going out for chinese food and getting a 1300-1500 calorie dish of General Tso’s or Orange Peel Beef (before the rice, soup, and eggrolls)?

I postulate that it’s the later, not the former.  I mean, corndog pizza would have been an event.  Stuffed crust pizza, which is just as reprehensible calorie-wise but a little more socially acceptable, was just dinner.  What do you think?  What’s the worst thing you used to eat before you decided to be healthier?   What’s your richest indulgence now?

I think Valentine’s Day is sort of a ridiculous holiday.  First of all, there’s all the candy.  Please, if you love me, the LAST thing I want is a bunch of crappy sweets sitting in my house, especially ones that you spent WAY too much on.   Then, the flowers and teddy bears…the second to last thing I need around the house is something you picked up on a display of “Get Your Valentines Day Gift Here” stuff.  Flowers are wonderful, but I don’t want you to get me flowers because you are SUPPOSED to get me flowers.  I prefer the random “I saw these and they were so pretty I had to get them” or “You were having such a bad day I thought you needed these”.

Then there’s just the whole expectation around the whole day.  If it’s not the most magical and lovely and wonderlandy day ever your partner is a failure and it’s ruined forever.  And when it’s the only day ever to show that you love someone *rolls eyes*, you better make sure you lavish it on them, right?  Why try to make sure that you be loving and wonderful to that special someone every day when you can just do it once?

Ok, ok, the venom is coming out.  And it’s not as if I’m single – or have been for a long, long time.  I remember how awful THAT was.. but I digress.

While neither the Zliten monster or I are very keen on making a big deal of the day (we forbid presents each year and stay away from those expensive 5 course dinners out at the fancy places), but we do at least something small to celebrate.  This time, we are partaking of chocolate teddy bear peeps (seriously – 40 calories a bear and they taste RIDICULOUSLY good), cinnamon imperial red hots (my favorite V-day candy, have to get a bag of them each year), and cooking for each other.

Yesterday, Zliten made me an awesome crab boil (one of my favorite meals)!  We had a heaping portion of crab legs, red potatoes, and corn, with drawn garlic butter.  We had a great night splitting a bottle of wine and breaking open the legs of crustations.  Tonight, it’s my turn to cook (well, sorta), and I’m making four cheese ravioli, prociouto and parmesan tortellini with a cilantro pesto and basil cream sauce topped with fresh asiago cheese, garlic bread, and caesar salad.  Instead of doing it all super homemade like I was planning – I went with super yummy gourmet pre-packaged stuff from the nice grocery store (Central Market).  We’re going to try to do the soda trick with a box of cake mix and see how that turns out (use a box of cake mix, and instead of the other ingredients like butter, eggs, and whatnot, dump a can of diet sprite in it and it’s supposed to taste just the same).  And, I think there will be vodka.

As long as no pink teddy bears or sappy cards get near me, I think I may just enjoy the hell outta this long weekend.   Unfortunately, I may have given my cold to Zliten…I give the BEST Valentine’s Day gifts ever.  What can I say – he gave me crabs, I had to give him SOMETHING appropriate back.  Anyway, hope you’re having a great one!

So my biggest fear in the last 2 years is that I was going have the anti-epiphany one day that I was sick of this exercise-y healthy new lifestyle stuff and just decide to say fuck it and go back to the way I was.  It’s always a fear that comes back when I get sick/injured/unable to workout for a while.  Let’s indulge my inner demons and take a look at what would happen, if history is a guide, at the events that would play out.

Day 0: I have dialogues with myself or someone else and come to the realization that what I’m doing isn’t making me happy and isn’t worth it, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.  Usually, under some sort of mental duress, instability, or altered state of mind.

Day 1: I’d probably go make myself sick on whatever I was craving last.  If it were today, I would go eat as many pieces of Conan’s Deep Dish Savage as I felt like.  Probably with some good beer.  And probably some sort of hand scooped milkshake.

Day 2: I’d wake up feeling AWFUL.  It would keep me in check for a while.

Week 1: I’d probably still workout – 17 months of habit doesn’t disappear overnight.  I’d probably stick to mostly DDR and some runs and walks outside.  I’d still probably try to not eat *too* badly, but definitely give up counting calories and weighing myself every day.

Month 1: I’d start boasting that I don’t have to do all this crap I used to do, I can stay slim without any effort, just doing whatever I feel like.  Since I’ve decided to give up the scale, my clothes are probably still fitting me ok so I’m happy.  I probably work out 3 times a week when I remember.  I’m thinking I can do whatever I want, so I push my boundaries and maybe drink some real, sugared juice or just go ahead and order the fettuccine alfredo because I want it, but only occasionally.

Month 2-3: My pants probably start getting a little tight, which depresses me but I avoid thinking about it by switching to another pair.  See, these fit me when I was skinny too, I must just be having a bad day, right?  The little pooch I’ve developed just means I stay away from the tighter shirts, I have plenty that are still flattering.  The scale is out of the bathroom – out of sight, out of mind.  I might still be working out sporadically, but it’s getting harder to get the same results I was before.  This also probably frustrates and depresses me, so to avoid it, I slowly stop doing it.

Month 6: I’m probably clinging to the last 2-3 pairs of “skinny” pants I have that fit or thanking the dear fluffy lord it’s summer and I can get away with skirts.  I don’t feel right, I know something’s wrong and I need to get back to eating better and exercising, but I’ll do it next week, when things are gonna be better.  It’s just so much easier to not worry about how many calories are in things, ya know.  And exercising just takes so much EFFORT.  I just don’t know how I used to do that so much.  I remember it being such good stress relief but…I dunno, I just can’t get back into it.  I’m gonna start Monday, really I am.

Month 12: I’ve visibly gained weight.  Those skinny jeans are in a box and I’ve had to borrow the old ones I got rid of back from my mom (or if my pride won out, I’ll have bought new ones as to not admit that I’ve gained).  I think about when I used to have such passion for being healthy, had such momentum, and wish I could get it back again.  Unfortunately, I’m pondering this over french fries sitting on my butt.  Running was so great, but now I can barely fathom doing it.

Year 2: I’ll make a New Years Resolution to get back into running and lose that weight, and it worked for a while.  I lost about half of it, but then I got lazy and gained that plus some back by the end of the year.  I got into the gym and did some workouts, but could never get back to the same intensity I used to.

Year 5: I’ve been through Year 2’s cycle at least 3 more times, before giving up completly, blaming my 30s, work, life, or anything else around me that wasn’t giving me my thinness back.  I’m too old to be that thin, I think.  That’s for younguns in their 20s.  At least I’m not in plus sizes (yet).

I think I’m going to stop there because that’s depressing enough.  While I would LIKE to think I’ve learned enough in these 2 years to not go back to that, I do have 14 years of previous habits to break.  Everything in that description has gone through my head or has been something I experienced since I quit gymnastics and went from super fly fit to super squishy.  I just hope that I can not regress to that ever again…

No, I know that I can do it.  I didn’t spend 25 months at this to regress that far.  I just can’t go back to that, it’s not a fun place to be.  Not that I was considering, but I always have to play the “what if” game with myself.  It usually keeps me on the straight and narrow.  Just like I wouldn’t ruin all the hard work I’ve put into building my career by upping and walking out and burning bridges, I wouldn’t ruin all the hard work I’ve put into my body by just giving up on it.  The difference is – once you break a tie, it’s usually forever.  If you decide you regret what you’re doing to your body, you can, at that very moment, start changing for the better.

Anyone have a story on giving up on anything to share?  Was it a bad thing or a good thing?  Ever walk out of a job without notice to prove a point?  I’d love to hear about it.

I’m still not feeling super 100% back to normal, so a random thoughts update it is today!

1.  We booked, put a down payment, and reserved our wedding and reception!  Zliten did the footwork for us, which was so super nice.  I know it wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do and he rocks for it.  Doing Vegas was such a great idea, you come up with an idea, and they run with it.  For very little effort and extra money, everything is going to be island themed and decorated just like we want.  I’m really excited to go in April to check it out.   Now, the rest of the fun stuff like invitations, dresses, hawaiian shirts, reception gifts, etc.  Anyone ever go to a wedding with a really cool gift?

2.  The good news – I have still lost weight this week even with my lack of exercise and overindulgence last week.  I’m now down to, as of this morning, 153.4 which is .4 lbs away from February’s goal.  I don’t expect to keep ALL of it off, but I wouldn’t complain if I did.  This is also 3.4 lbs away from 150, which is my second long term goal.  From the time I hit 149, I will continually monitor how I feel and look, and will give myself permission at any time to stop and decide to maintain my weight.  It’s so close!

3.  The bad news – I haven’t been on a run since Saturday, and don’t anticipate being able to do much until next week with my funk.  Next weekend, I run my 5k.  Now, I’m not too worried since I regularly run almost twice the distance, so I know I have it in me, but it’s still a little disconcerting.  I am glad that I signed up before I got sick, because I dunno if I would have signed up now.  At least since it’s my first one, the biggest goal is just to finish a race and get a time to improve upon.

4.  Work has been a very busy week of thousands of menial tasks to do.  I am such a sick puppy that I LOVE this.  If it was my job all the time I would hate it but as something to do occasionally, I really enjoy the brainless, zen aspect of it.  Since it’s not technically part of what I do, I actually seek these opportunities out.  It does make me miss designing, though I’m glad that my particular job affords me the ability to do as much of it as I actually get to do while still being able to be a producer.

5.  I just had Zliten tell me I should retire the pants I’m wearing today.  I indeed noticed they have saggy ass today.  As refrence – I’m wearing the same outfit I wore on Christmas Eve.  It’s amazing how much difference 10 lbs makes when it’s 1/15th of your weight instead of 1/26th!  Pants don’t last as long though… at least this is my second pair of  pinstripe pants so I’m ok with seeing them go.

I never get ill in a normal way.  Most people get colds.  I called in to work today with temperature regulation issues.  Essentially, last night, it was in the high 60s/low 70s and I was wearing a fuzzy hat, sweater, pants, socks, and hidden under a blanket.  When I went outside, I grabbed my gloves and my warmest coat.  Then, while I slept, I sweat (sweated? swot? …I must be sick, my grasp of the english language has left me…) through two pairs of PJs as well as drenched my sheets, blankets, and pillow that I’d brought from the Weighted Journal.  I mean, I feel a little weak and woozy as well, but essentially I called in with a case of the sweats.

I did make it a whole year without being sick, so I’m not too disappointed, but when I fall under the weather, I always try to figure out what my body is telling me.  Am I working too hard?  Nah, I’m only doing 40 hours a week, nothing crazy.  Am I too stressed?  Well, I’d say normally stress is at a 2 (out of 10) and lately it’s been at a 3 or maybe 4.  So no, I don’t think that’s it.  Is my body not liking the way I’m eating and/or exercising?  Well, I do know that consuming less calories does make you succeptible to whatever is going around, but exercise is supposed to boost your immune system.  Perhaps it was just my time.

I am not liking this forced vacation from the gym though.  Today will be day 2 of sitting on my ass, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be back to 100% normal tomorrow either.  I always get antsy when something keeps me from working out normally.  However, I do like that I have been dropping weight this week.  I’m down to 154.8!  Less than 5 lbs to go to 150, and less than 2 to go for my goals this month.

I’ve had a weird history of being sick.  When I was little, I was a very sickly kid.  I would be out of school all the time for colds and ear aches and the like, and unlike most kids, I would beg my mom to make sure and pick up my homework so I could work on it, and she was the one who would force me to stay home  just another day to make sure I felt all the way better.  Then, as I got to be a teenager, I would get lots of bouts of the 24 hour flu.  I’d feel super sick, throw up a few times, go to bed, and wake up feeling fine.

Then, as I got older, I got sick a lot less, or at least acknowleging illness.  Once you get to college and have to get a doctors note to skip some classes without grading implications, you learn to tough it out.  Then, once you start working without sick days – bringing the illness into the office is the lesser of two evils to not getting paid.

My body then realized it had to get creative to get me to stay home and recoup.  Three years ago, I came down with a really awful case of Vertigo.  I had been working like 100 hour weeks and ignoring everything else and I woke up that fateful Tuesday morning super dizzy.  I thought I had a brain tumor.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds without feeling icky, and when I went to emergency care, while I was waiting in the lobby to get my prescription, I had to sit up too long and I ran out to the parking lot to yack.  I spent the next 4 days eating saltines, drinking ginger ale, and listening to gameshows because it was the most entertaining thing on TV that didn’t take the ability to actually WATCH.

When I moved here to Austin, my first week on the job, I got a really bad flu.  I couldn’t eat anything solid for 4 days. I lived on Gatorade and pretty much worked, counting the hours until I got off, and then slept.  I felt bad that I was such a horrible employee, but apparently I was such a vast improvement over the previous AP they were still impressed.  Yay!  I have to say that while it was a super miserable week, getting sick and losing that 10 lbs was the best thing that happened to me, because once I regained some of it, I decided that losing weight was a good thing, and I wanted to do it (but the healthy way).

Anyways, off to watch Zliten play Fable and try to feel better.