It will not always be this way.

So, I wrote this whole weekly wrap up thing and I just nuked it because if it bores ME, then I can’t imagine anyone else would be interested.

So, instead, a double rainbow. #whatdoesitmean

I think I’d rather talk about how I’m getting nervous for the race coming up.  With 3.5 weeks left to go, the calendar is at that uncomfortable spot where I’m fatigued from training, but it’s starting to close enough to get real.  How is it less than a month away?  How the heck am I ever going to feel rested again?  Can we get this over with so I can go back to base training for a little while?  Can I have a few more weeks to work on my cycling and running speed?  When am I going to get excited for this thing instead of nervous and just kind of tired of it?  Argh.

I’ve been thinking about how I will thrive there and races when I’ve felt the most successful.  I cave under TOO much pressure.  When I place a huge importance on a time goal, and the day pees in my sandbox, sometime I just say “fuck it” instead of just rolling with the punches and still getting close.  If I don’t put ENOUGH pressure on myself, when things get hard and it stops being fun, I’ll let off the steam instead of digging in because… whatever.  It’s just another race.  It’s that special combination of realistic and achievable but also challenging goals (and, ya know, meeting them) and magical unicorn pixie dust that really makes me zing on race day!

Looking over my past races, I’ve had days that I felt meh, even ANGRY about that ended up with some of my best age group placement or times.  But they’re not the ones I remember as my best races as of late.  Kerrville 2014 – I missed my overall time goal by 2 minutes but I stayed strong through the whole thing and didn’t give up and felt joy a lot of the time.  The Woodlands where I ran every step of the marathon, even if it wasn’t my fastest race.  Some of the shorter races where I found the edge and stayed there and held it together chanting three words over and over.

X-wing and Death Star are ready.  Am I?  Errr… I’ll get back to you on that one.

The half ironman usually goes like this for me… I generally have a good swim, a good to great bike (unless I crash), and then sputter and die on the run, except for that once where I didn’t completely (2014).  Here’s where I’m at right now:

• The swim – I probably won’t have my fastest ever, but I shouldn’t be that far off as long as it’s wetsuit legal.  I know how to set myself up for a good day by not killing myself.  I’m going to do that.
• The bike – here’s a source of my anxiety.  I’m not good at riding the new bike, but so far, that’s still translating to PRs in the sprints (about 1 mph) and the olympic (.5 mph, with rain).  This course is harder (more climbing, chipseal, etc).  So, I think one thing I need to do is just ride my best and let go of any expectations.  If it rains and I spend 75% of my time out of aero, I won’t berate myself.  If my legs feel off and I can’t manage 17 mph, I won’t sit there and cuss.  I know the *feeling* of the pacing I need to ride and whatever that translates to on the garmin and the power meter will suffice.
• The run – here’s the other source of unease.  I really, really, really want to nail this run.  I probably have no excuse.  There’s very little elevation change and it’s very unlikely to be hot.  My run fitness is coming around and I ran low 10’s off the bike in a race in similar conditions and felt like I had a little more in me.  I really think this could finally be the race where I finally nail the run, if I don’t get in the way of myself.

Scared of failing, scared of succeeding.  This is my damn head right now.

It’s been an interesting training cycle.  Because I haven’t done the same thing over and over, I haven’t seen the same metered weekly progress.  It’s fits and spurts.  It’s a little more mystical than doing the same long ride every two weeks on the same bike and watching the pace improve.  Some rides are at 13 mph.  Some rides are at 15 mph.  Some are at 18 mph.  Sometimes the 15 mph rides are WAYYYY harder  than then 18 mph ones.  Some days I run 12 minute miles, some days I run 9 minute miles.  I don’t exactly know what to expect will come out on race day and that’s… both scary and exciting!

Some days it’s all smiles.  Some days it’s mental gymnastics to take every next step. 

I feel like training has been more flexible this time around, which has been great.  I am *just* now this week feeling the crush of fatigue and responsibility, like it’s stopped being so fun anymore.  Looking back, I maintained a training load of between 8-11 hours the last two months solid and this week won’t be any different unless a leg falls off somewhere between now and Saturday afternoon.  That feeling of it being a little much is fine.  It’s time to taper.  Just one more long workout and we’re there.

Does this mean I’ve pushed a week too long?  We’ll find out.  I’m embracing the fluidity – besides the two key workouts – a 14 mile long run (done – every soggy, sore, and mentally tough step), and a long brick this weekend, the rest of it is optional.  I bailed on a ride already this week in favor of rest (I read and slept for TWELVE HOURS) and split a run to make sure I wasn’t tearing myself up the day after (felt great and did all the miles, probably thanks to the above).  At this point, I’m nearing the end of training actually building endurance, and anything that doesn’t keep the legs fresh and/or doesn’t build my confidence for race day goes in the trash.

As for the fuel, a few weeks ago, I gave up on maintaining a deficit and giving in to eating my appetite.  Oddly enough, the weight loss I saw stop has slowly started crawling again (I think I’ve lost 1 lb on average over 2-3 weeks).  This is still that weird “wow, I look so bloated I don’t look cute in clothes but I still weigh less” loss that you get when you’re deep in season, but (healthy) loss is loss is loss.  I figured I was done for on the scale when I stopped really caring about the deficit, but the body sometimes knows better than some equation, I suppose.

Hello, lover.  This ramen (Spicy Miso Pork, from Jinya) is one of my current food crushes.  And it lives around the corner from work…

I’m really really (ok, fine) sort of trying to continue to track, simply because I think this would be great data for the push to IM.  It’s just… not my world right now to be all judgey about it so it’s hard to remember.  If I’m hungry, I’m going to eat a thing, no matter what Sparkpeople says.  I know 1200 calories per day is too cold.  2700 calories per day is too hot (at least at half ironman training levels, ~10 hours per week).  Still working on finding the porridge that’s JUST RIGHT.

One of those things I need to remember – it will not always be this way.  It’s hard to keep sight of that once you’re so deep in the extremes.  When you’re injured, it’s hard to envision a time when all the parts will work again.  When you’re dieting in offseason, it’s hard to remember that someday it will be required eating to shove 3-4k calories in your face in a day.  When you start your training program, it boggles the mind to think that you’ll be racing for 6+ hours, when an hour run seems exhausting (but you’re excited to get there).

Then two months pass and the pendulum swings the other way.  When you’re riding for multiple hours the umpteenth weekend in a row, you can’t remember a time when 45 minutes on the bike was enough, thank you very much.  When you’re deep in fatigue from training, you think you’ll never be rested or sleep enough again (but you know you will if you’re not an idiot).  When you’re racing, you will not be in pain forever.  The finish line has beer and chips and medals and most importantly, sitting.  Get to the beer and chips and sitting and how about a smile in the meantime that you’re able to be out here doing this crazy shit today, huh?