My Head Is In The Game

So I wrote this yesterday.  I feel like I want to expand on it.

5.  I finally got a weekend of good (mostly) eating.  Sure, there was a good dose of absinthe on Friday.  There were 5 fried shrimp on Saturday.  However, my calorie counts were very sane peaking out at 1700-something on Saturday, and that was after a long active day.  I started the week this week at 153.8, which is nice, because each week since I’ve been keeping tabs again, it’s been 155+ because of crazy weekends.  I’m starting the report tracking today and I’m excited.  My “pie in the sky” goal is 15 lbs by 10/1 (so about 139), but I’ll be happy as long as I’m heading in the right direction.  Hell, anything that starts with 14- will make me happy dance like a moron.  I think I’ll talk more about this tomorrow, but see above – sleep deprivation and Monday a coherent post does not make.

I did some thinking (and whining) last week, and finally came to some conclusions.

I am ready to do this again.  I wasn’t before, but now I am.  Move forward.

I was trying to push myself to be ready to do this the Monday after my race, but I just this little guy, I wasn’t.  My body was still in “fuel me, biatch” mode and the 1200-1400 calories I’m chomping away at now was making my body SCREAM in agony.  It took a full week of being VERY strict with myself to wean the SUGARSUGARSUGAR thing I had going on, but I’m back to the point where I’m ok with an occasional treat and most of the time just some fruit or a sugar free pop will do.  It took about two weeks for my body to realize it didn’t need 1500 calories minimum a day and carbocalorieloading on the weekend.

The fairly low impact/less insane workout schedule was making my brain scream in agony because I was used to the KILL ME workouts before and I felt…lazy.  Worthless.  Out of shape.  Weird thoughts from someone who had just put her body to the limit and ran 13.1 miles in the hot Texas sun, but there was some toxicity I had to deal with and process.  Like if I wasn’t now immediately gearing up to tackle another race I was a failure.  Like I’m in danger of never being that awesome ever again if I don’t keep going harder/better/faster/stronger without a break.  That took about two weeks to get over, but now I’m better.  I am thoroughly and completely happy with the fact that I don’t have a race to train for right now and can focus for a while on fitness being fun, and doing what I need to do to both give my body a break, and weight loss.

So I’m ready.  My body has now adjusted to less intense exercise and less eating.  My mind has cleared out all the “you suck if your not training at 100%” and the “I want to do this but I just don’t feel like it” thoughts.  The next 2.5 months are dedicated to eating and exercising in a way that removes the rest of the weight I want to lose before the next race.  I am going to attack it the way I did my half training.  It is no less monumental or flimsy of a goal than running a race.  In my Quix-y way of course.  There will be times where something fried or something alcoholic enters my mouth, but I will plan for these occurrences and make sure I’m superduper good the rest of the day.  Like I used to.

I do not have to eat what everyone else is eating for the next 2.5 months.  Food as we know it will not go away.  Deprivation is temporary.

So I am fully and completely comfortable maintaining.  I can’t wait to do it for life.  I eat good stuff most of the time on autopilot.  If I eat when I am hungry and eat what I feel like, I can maintain my weight.  I have also made the commitment to myself to weight semi-daily for the rest of my life (and treat it as a measuring stick, not something to go all drama llama over) and I will have a “panic” number.  As in, if that is my low weight of the week, it’s back to tracking food and being good until the problem is solved.  I worked too hard to lose this weight and change my life, I don’t plan on going back  to cheeseburgers with a chocolate shake chaser for a midday snack.  I know how to maintain my weight now.

I’m not sure how that one ties in, but it made me giggle.  Anyhoo – losing is another story.  Once I stop tracking myself very strictly, it’s hard for me to stay away from the nibble here bite there munch here crunch there and all of a sudden I have no calorie deficit.  Losing weight (to me – I know some of you swear by the south beach/atkins/grapefruit/no white stuff diets but none of that works for me) means keeping yourself at a calorie intake where you are not completely comfortable.  I need to be faced with numbers that tell me, yep, you’re done eating.  I need to see numbers that tell me if I eat that cheeseburger today, I’m jepordizing losing weight this week unless I really watch it.

I generally gravitate to healthy low cal stuff if left to my own devices.  I’m no saint, but at least 80% of the time I make pretty good choices without too much effort.  Enter Zliten, my big-slab-o-meat-lovin’, taco eatin’, burger munchin’ companion.  While he loves a lot of healthy stuff too, he does not understand my plight here.  He was quite upset with me last night when I was questioning his pasta wisdom.  He – a serving is the size of a quarter around (make a circle with your fingers the size of a quarter and insert pasta until full).  Me – is that a real 210 calorie serving or what everyone calls a “serving”, which is actually about 2?  He – I’m so ready for you to be done with this.  Me – me too!  Maintaining, I wouldn’t stress about 100 calories of pasta because I’d eat until full and then be done.  Now, I have to watch it.  If I ate 320 calories instead of 210 I’d need to adjust the rest of my day accordingly.

So, for the next 2.5 months, I don’t have to eat the way everyone else does, and I don’t have to impose on anyone’s good time (maybe Zliten a BIT but he does eat EVERY meal with me so the stuff at home will be healthyhealthy).  I can go to the wing joint and cry in my salad if life brings me there.  I can special order grilled chicken and broccoli if out if there is nothing healthy.  I can have small tastes at potlucks and eat my own veggie tray.  I don’t have to eat the way I did during the race.  I also don’t have to eat this way for the rest of my life.  Saying all that and giving myself permission to be the crazy girl on a diet for a short duration is very freeing because I am so anti-that for any long period of time.  Giving myself permission to going back to maintaining after October 1st feels good as well.  I will have opportunities to indulge later.  I will have opportunities to beat up my body with crazy workouts and push myself to the limit.  This is just another thing I’m doing for a few months to change it up.

So here we go.  The pie-in-the-sky goal for October 1st is 15 lbs.  My first official weigh in will be Friday to kick things off (weigh in = lowest weight within the last 7 days, I fluctuate a lot so taking the weight on that day is usually futile).  I then have 11 weeks, so I need to lose 1.36 lbs per week to attain this.  Seems sane, right?  139, here we come!