Adjusted Reality

Imagine your dream.  No, not the delicious turkey sandwich you’re dreaming of for lunch, but something that has been a long term, professional and/or personal dream.  Maybe you just got handed a publishing contract for your new book.  Maybe you finally qualified for the Boston Marathon.  Maybe you found the perfect love of your life.  What’s the last thing you’d expect your reaction would be?  That’s right, running away and screaming.

So why is that my first instinct everytime I get the opportunity for something cool?

On my super exciting news I won’t be able to talk about for years and years, I was rightfully super excited the first day after I found out, and then after – I realized I felt lost and very self-doubting.  Zliten was pretty incredulous how blah I was being about it.  I spent a while berating myself about it.  When did I become the kind of person that was more comfortable being mediocre?  When did I become the kind of person that is afraid of success?  At what point in my life did I stop wanting to reach for the stars?  Then there was the frustration at how long it was taking me to think things through.  When did I become so rusty?  Am I just too old to be a rockstar?  Is this not really what I want anymore?

All of a sudden, it dawned on me.  It’s just like when I hit the gym after a looooong hiatus 2 years ago.  When I got back on the eliptical for the first time, it was FRUSTRATING as hell that something that once came so easy to me was now like trudging through mud.  Running my first mile took almost a year and I just about collapsed dead after.  Doing a pushup from my toes took over a year and I certainly wasn’t just busting out 3 sets of 25 like I am now.  All things I’ve done before.  All things I am better at now than I was before ever in my life.  I was just out of practice and it took time.

One I realized this, I felt much, much better and was able to make some progress.  I’m still feeling very slow but it’s ok.  It’s not a switch I can flip, and I don’t think my bosses expect that.  I have some time to get my head where it needs to be.  Just as I don’t expect perfection (though I strive for it) in my eating and exercising habits, I don’t need to hold myself to an unreasonable standard in other aspects of life.

Now, I’m excited and optimistic, as I should be.  Still have a little bit of the butterflies but those will clear away once things get settled.  And that’s an awesome way to go into a three day weekend.  What other areas of your life can YOU apply the lessons you’ve learned in forging your way into a healthy lifestyle?  Anyone got super awesome plans for the long weekend?

I hate when I have to be vague about things that happen in my life, but this is one of those times.   I have some potentially awesome stuff in my future, but I have to be incredibly tight lipped about it for a long ass time.  However, I alone own the emotions it is making me feel and memories I’m reflecting on, so I’ll talk about that instead.

One reason I started this blog was to become more comfortable with being honest and open on the internet.  And, because I missed having a soapbox to stand on.  As I said before, I am this weird combination of naive and trusting in a way that is totally not beneficial.  I’ll open up and talk about my pooping habits but then flinch about talking about something totally random that shouldn’t make any difference.  In another life and time a few years ago I was a bit of a big deal (not really) to a couple tens of thousands of people as the face of a game as Sapphyra, the big and brawny barbarian warrior with red hair and a bit of a penchant for drinking and beating people up.  So pretty much, it wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the haircolor.

I was completely and totally ok being open about things in the game I probably shouldn’t have (hindsight is 20/20), but totally freaked out if someone posted anything REAL about me.  I would have removed all pictures of me if I could have thought of any excuse to do so.  Possibly because I was 200 goddamn million lbs and insecure about it, but I also felt like there should be a separation between the online me and the real me.  When I walked out (amicably) of SOE over 2 years ago, I left a gigantic part of me behind.  One of the people that played the game finally found me on twitter (hi Ronson!) but for the most part, I severed ties with that life.  I always meant to put breadcrumbs out there to lead people to my next title, but the were extremely well hidden.  If you make it through the first world of the game I shipped last year, you’d see it, as I named a tower after myself (as well as some items).

I miss those people in EQOA-world.  I miss being a bit of an internet celebrity, as stupid as it sounds.  I wish I would have let some of the cooler people in a bit more.  I always felt like a little bit of an artifical wall was necessary.  I wish I would have established myself with an identity I could take away and not let everything sort of die in a fire when I left.  While the last 2 years has done wonders to my waistline, and I’ve accepted work was on the back burner due to my priorities elsewhere (operation: deporkify), my position in at my company (non-creative managerial), and the economy and personal circumstances (couldn’t just go out and grab my dream job, even if I wanted to leave the company I’m at), I have longed for something closer to what I used to do.  With better hours, better pay, the actual title bump, and in a town I could afford actual real estate without winning the lotto, of course.

Now, it looks like I mightcouldpossiblyitsybitsychance could have at least some of that.  It is now time to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds and get to work.  So that I shall.  I spent a long time thinking that I had blown my shot to do something great by leaving that barbarian behind, but I find myself about to potentially step into something just as cool if not cooler.  I just had to wait for the right time.  Now, I just have to not screw up.