Adjusted Reality

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.” – Mark Twain

Author: Quix Page 182 of 218

Happy (Late) Blogoversary to Me

August 15, 2008, I put up a “Hello World” post.  A week later, when I was done fiddling with things, I put up my first real post.  Ever since, I’ve been yacking away at the internet multiple times a week.  The actual anniversary date slipped by me, but I love anniversaries of sorts, as it gives me time to do a little year in review and think about what I’ve accomplished in a year.

What this blog was supposed to be:

I had originally decided I was going to try to dedicate time to each of my varied interests – gaming, health, cooking, fashion, deep thought, etc.  However, it’s pretty clear which one of those took my focus this year.  Between being painfully close-but-so-far away from the end of project: deporkify, and training for multiple races and other efforts, this definitely became a health-centric blog.  I talk about (sometimes single mindedly) what is on my mind.  I find it hard to write passionate posts about things I’m just not as interested in right now.  All the posts were supposed to be well thought out, full of links and facts, and researched.  I was trying for 4 posts per week.  I also didn’t figure that anyone besides maybe Zliten would read it.

What this blog is:

Moody.  Goes through stages.  Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s seething with frustration, and sometimes it’s vacant when I get too busy to update.  Very much has “shiny syndrome” just like it’s owner does.  I’d say overall it’s about 70% health/fitness, 10% cooking, 5% fashion, 5% games industry, 5% posts about fun times and 5% other.  If I was less lazy about tags, I’d have a better idea.  Lately it feels like my little whiny/ranty place, which I hope to change soon as stress subsides and life becomes a little more simple.  Apparently it gets over 100 hits a day, which is just amazing to me.  Who are you mystery readers?  Why do you not leave comments?  I like comments.  The email that pings me saying I have a new comment?  Makes my day.  You want to make me happy, right? 🙂

Also, it evolved from requiring each post to be very well thought out/researched/etc to sometimes including brain dumps.  It’s just me.  If I was trying to be a pro-writer here, I’d refrain, but some of my favorite blogs simply talk about their day or the cool new recipe they tried or where they went for dinner, or what they wore.  I try to weed out the super non-productive stuff, but sometimes it is mentally where I’m at, so I feel it would be less-than-honest to go off the radar until I’m able to write contructively again.

The Health/Fitness Blogger Community:

Is awesome.  After I started realizing that my main focus was going to be health and fitness stuff, I started finding other blogs to see what they were up to.  Over the year, I’ve come to love The Great Fitness Experiment, MizFit, FeedMeI’mCranky, Pasta Queen, Prior Fat Girl, and many many more.  At first I was very timid with the commenting (I was never really the one to speak up in class voluntarily), but I kinda learned that – hey, I really love when people read and comment on my blog and when they do, I go check out their sites and sometimes if I likey enough, it gets a place on my yahoo reader.  Fancy that, if I go be active and comment on other people’s sites, they might check mine out.  I certainly am not a very popular blog, but that’s ok.   I don’t try very hard.  I haven’t made the jump to pimping my posts on facebook and twitter.  I’m not sure I want to because I feel like I might have to censor myself more.  I should get over that.  But – first and foremost it’s my soapbox to shout up and my creative outlet, so getting that out of it is the most important thing to me.

Me, A Year Ago:

Me, about a year ago.

The vital stats – I was weighing in around 170 (so about 15 lbs heavier than I am now).  I was running 4 miles max, in about 50 minutes.  I had just stepped up my workouts to crazy-town and was about to go through one of the most hellacious months ever with my parents shacking up with us for a few weeks, a huge gaming conference in town, 3 birthday celebrations, and much much more.  Fancy that, I was also simultaniously about to start to experience the post-100 lb loss beating of my head upon the wall which would continue on and off for the next year.   The only months I saw significant loss were December, January, and February.  Funny that, those were also the months I was doing 4 workout weeks.  Maybe there IS something there… hmmmm…

I was just ending a long and stressful phase of work and shipping a game, which entailed a lot of crunch food and overtime and weekends at work and squeezing in workouts when I could.  I was also less than enamored with my job at the time, and still not quite sure what to do with this new found athlete-y-ness I had uncovered in myself.

Where I would like to be in a year:

Blogwise – I have no idea.  I’m pretty happy that I’ve found this community of people who are just as crazy as I am (coming from me, it’s a compliment).  I’m still on the edges, peeking in, but enjoying

Me now.  Id like to be this + more awesome in a year...

Me now. I'd like to be this + more awesome in a year...

myself.  I’d like to go back a little more to Subject posts (about one particular thing) instead of the randomness and “this is how my day went” or “I’m having this problem” or whatever, but we shall see.  Sometimes, you just have to write what you know.

Health/Fitness-wise – I have ideas.  Please, dear fluffy lord, let me be at a weight which I can both live healthfully at and accept myself maintaining for the rest of my life?  Whether it ends up being the 155 I am now or I get my arse in gear and down to 135 or whatever it ends up being where I go – “Ok, this is where we build the house.”  I want to have done another half marathon and be in training (or planning training) for a full marathon.  Failing that, a triathalon.  I want to look in the mirror and see all the hard work I’m putting in for all that it is.  I also want to finally be able to do *one damn pullup*.

Person-wise – I’m also not sure.  I need to do some deep soul searching.  I’ll be 31.  I’ll have 30-35 good years left job-wise.  For the last two years, I have been simply coasting.  I need to think about what my next move is.  Do I want to climb the ladder I’m on, or do I want to jump over to another one?  What do I want to dedicate my free time to doing?  From the post above, it sounds like a very training-filled year, but are there any creative and personal goals I want to accomplish?  Is it time to start the novel?  Is it time to quit my job, sell our house, and go live on a hippie commune?  I have no idea.  Right now, beyond athletic pursuits, I am just coasting and enjoying myself.  And that’s ok, but not ok forever.

Deep thoughts for a Friday I know.  Now, I want to know about you.  Where were you a year ago?  What’s changed?  What do you want to accomplish in the next year?  Do you enjoy reflecting on anniversaries or rather not think about it?

Better Today

Just wanted to give a quick update, as now that I’ve spewed the vile stuff out, I feel purged of it.  I’ve been in a much better mood today.  It might also be that I’m finally wearing the skinny jeans that haven’t fit since vacation and the scale put my back into the 153’s, but whatevs.  I’ll take it any way I can get it.

4-day work (out) weeks.  I had much success doing them.  Those 4 days were hell on wheels and I spent literally 2 hours from changing into and out of my gym clothes, but I did see some decent progress.  Zliten was kind enough to remind me of that.  While I am enjoying the 30 mins here, 20 mins there I’ve been doing (and it certainly added up to just as much if not more than I was doing in my 4 day plan), maybe my body likes the marathon sessions and more rest days.   Something to ponder if I’m still not seeing results, though that goes out the window as soon as half training starts.

Stress.  I like to discount it, because while I love plans and schedules and lists, I also am usually pretty low on the stress-0-meter.  Whatever happens at work, usually stays at work.  My home life is awesome sauce.  But since the three pronged attack on my psyche came into focus, dust has been kicked up around here and I guess I am feeling a little more tense than normal.  I find occasionally I can’t go back to sleep and sit up thinking about shit.  Which is very, very not normal for me, especially since I started running.  Running = sleep like a baby all night.  So once Zliten is back to work and the wedding is done, things will calm down to about normal and I can relax.

Stability.  I was an idiot and starved my way through my half training, at least I think.   Zliten thinks I am also eating now more than I did then (except a heavy meal once or twice a week before long runs) and I am running 6 miles a week to my 25 then.  My body is probably trying to figure out what the heck is going on and is just getting readjusted to having enough food.

I am going to take my skinny jeans wearing, mood-swinging, stressball ass to the bridal shop for my dress fitting now.  Ciao, bellas.  More later.

Set Adrift on the Sea of Anti-Bliss

I’m feeling a bit adrift this week.  The rants in my head aren’t going away so I’m gonna go ahead and post some negativity.  If you’ve noticed it’s been “posting lite” around here lately it’s a combination of the new job having a lot more to do, wedding stuff taking over after work life, and the fact that I’ll write something, get frustrated, label it as bullshit, and then not post.  I’ve rarely ever done that in the past year.  Usually if something comes out of my fingers it gets slapped up here.  Lately, I’ve just been a bit more self-censoring for some reason.

Weekly Recap:

So yet again, I’m posting increased calorie counts, but this week I’m also posting decreased activity.  Without further ado, here we go:

Calories in = 1921 (adjusted to 2021 with my +100 per day for my nibbling habit)

Calories out = 458 (average of what spark says I burned and what the other website says I burned)

Total calorie average per day = 1563

Average deficit per day = 461, or 3227 total.

This should translate to about a pound loss on the scale.  So why am I frightened to get on it?  Today I got on and it said 154.0, which is a marked improvement, but I really had to force myself to not just skip it again.

Scale Woes:

The scale has become a big issue for me lately.  I know daily (or at least multiple times a week) weighing is the key to keeping my weight under control.  However, right now I just *cannot* detach the emotions from the number I see there, and I see the danger in that.  If I don’t get on the scale because I’m afraid of a gain and that it will cause my mood to be foul again like it was a lot of last week, I’m prone to let my weight go without checks for longer, and that will lead to gains that will be harder to lose…

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy and neurotic, but case in point: I gained 5 lbs practically overnight the first week of this month.  I’m barely holding onto my “oh shit” weight even now after losing 3 (and after 3 weeks).  I have been eating and working out (beyond the 3-4 days I really let go on vacation) at a rate that I should be losing 1-2 lbs per week.  Math-wise, I should be well on my way to the 140’s.  But that 150 barrier is holding strong.  I didn’t see one weight under 155 last week.  The two times I was able to bring myself to get on the scale last week, I was 155.6 and 155.2.  I guess that’s consistent and all, but still not good.  And I can tell it’s not just scale weight.  Pants are fitting differently and I definitely have more of a pooch than I did before and I think my jawline/muscles look less defined.  No one else might be able to notice, but I CAN TELL AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Mental Madness:

I’m finding it hard to care, but not in a good way.  I feel very teen antisocial behavior-like.  “Well, if I can kill myself for six months and not lose weight but I let go for 3 days and gain, why should I care?”  And the worst part – “If I can’t get myself to lose weight maybe I just don’t deserve to lose anymore.”  That’s the one that bothers me the most.  Of course I deserve to look as good as I want to.  I exercise like crazy.  I may not be a saintly eater all the time, but I’m definitely on the 80/20 plan.  I should look like the lifestyle I lead, but I don’t.   I think that’s what frustrates me.  I’ve become this awesome athlete person, but I just look like some random person off the street who needs to lose 20 lbs.  Of course the ability is more important to me, but the outside – that would really, really be nice too.

The good thing is that it hasn’t affected my workouts.  I really know that it’s a part of my life that even though the scale hasn’t moved much in 6 months, I’m still up and at em at least 5 times a week doing something.  And I have no desire to stop.  It’s just the eating part.  And most people say that’s where the majority of the weight loss is done.

It’s just killing me that what worked for so long just… isn’t anymore.  I lost over 100 lbs with a very careful attention to portion size/calorie count, getting my veggies/fruits, and making sure I stuck to a regimented workout program to burn the right amount of calories each week to offset what I ate.  It was something I could incorporate with my life long term.  Then it just stopped working.  The last 15 lbs has been a struggle and the last 5 has felt like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly – not productive for me OR the wall.

I just can’t really get anyone IRL to support me on this, even though by doctor scales I’m still overweight for my height and 20 more lbs is a perfectly reasonable and sane weight for me.  Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and ridiculous for wanting to lose more weight.  I should just be happy to not be fat anymore, right?  Well, it’s not good enough.  I’m NOT happy at this weight.  I don’t look in the mirror thinking that if I saw this for the rest of my life it would just be peachy.  I’m ok being here temporarily, it’s not that I think I look like the thing with 3 chins again, but the point of project: deporkify was to finally lose all the weight I wanted and be somewhere I’d be happy for the rest of my life.  And I’m not there yet.

The Plan:

This is the problem.  I can wrap my head around “ok, I’m eating too much, need to eat less and move more”.  I can even accept if it was that I’m lacking in motivation and perhaps it’s something I shelve and pick up later.  The problem is I just need some direction because what worked before isn’t.  And eat more and move less just seems like craziness.  I feel like I’m flailing around trying to grab at something, anything that might work and then when it doesn’t right away I freak out and try something else.  Maybe the answer is to go back to 20×3 times a week light cardio and 15×3 times a week weights and 1200-1500 calories a day.  That, frankly, scares me more than any cabbage soup diet.  And maybe that fact should scare me too.  The point is-

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT’S REALLY MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM.  ARGHHHH!

I think a sane plan is to cut out all this madness until after the wedding and reset upon my return.  However, I am (not-so) secretly TERRIFIED of the next month and then not fitting in my wedding dress.   I need to at least keep TRYING even if it means that I just maintain and/or lose the accumulated half/vacation 4 lbs.

So the plan going forward even if I don’t really know if it will do a goddamn thing-

1.  Get on the scale every day.  Ditch the google home page tracker that yells at me for fluctuations, as I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.  Realize that fluctuations aren’t the end of the world.  Practice seperating a number from an emotion again.

2.  Keep trying for 1700 cal/average per day, and as close to 1700 each day as I can.  Keep the workouts to about 400 cal/day avg.  Mathmatically, this should work, as it’s about a 700 calorie deficit per day (so a little less than 1.5 lbs per week).  Vacation probably just screwed things up and I need to give it more time.  Bleh.

3.  Lower my (unreasonable) expectations.  If I can lose 1 lb per week going forward, I can be in the 140s for my wedding.  I think that is a reasonable goal and something I can really be happy about.

4.  Realize that it is MY responsibility to eat healthily, not anyone else’s.  I’ve made baby steps here lately after a big lapse of judgement lately.   I need to remembered that no one really cares what I order, just that I freak out when people suggest places where it’s either tricky to get a healthy meal or too tempting to get something else.  I know that when it’s time to maintain, I can go back to an occasional indulgence and I know the meaning of occasional and am VERY comfortable eating that way, but for now, ordering the grilled shrimp instead of the fried is just fine.  Fried shrimp will still exist later.

5.  Try not to let any of this affect my mood.  I’ve been a little touchy lately (Zliten might call that the understatement of the year).  I know it’s counter productive because it all feeds itself into a vicious cycle.  I’ve done pretty well at kicking the habit of eating because I’m upset or wanting to console myself, but the temptation is still there sometimes.  I recognize that a workout is a WONDERFUL cure for a bad mood, but doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain thoughts of skipping it to go sulk on the couch when I’m having a bad day.  My life is awesome overall, need to stop sweating the petty shit.

Hopefully I can come up with something a little less whiny to post upon later this week, but considering this was the THIRD post I wrote in the last week in this vein, it was time to post.  Any advice, or words of encouragement, or commiseration, or even “suck it up, buttercup” comments are welcomed.  icanhascheezburger images today for a good mixture of grumpy and cute. 🙂

Awesome Today!

I am about this happy today!

I am about this happy today!

I wrote up a big long post yesterday pissing and moaning, and I decided to self censor and change my headspace.  So that’s why posting has been light this week (besides being the busiest week ever).  Instead, I’m going to talk about how awesome the last 24 hours has been.

Awesome Weights Workout!

So I just didn’t feel like doing weights last night.  At all.  When I feel like that I usually just bring out my ball and my weights and do some random strength while watching TV/in between cooking dinner/etc, and usually get a full weight workout.  I decided to make it a “theme” night and do every exercise on the ball somehow.  I highly recommend it!  I got a great and different workout by doing silly things like lying abductors and scissor leg lifts on the ball and flinging my legs over my head almost to an assisted scorpion pose to work my back.  It amused Zliten and me and it was over before I knew it.

Awesome Frozy Yogurt!

I pinched dietgirl’s amazing frozen yogurt recipe and tweaked it by somewhere between doubling/tripling the recipe.  I used 0% greek yogurt, frozen tropical fruit, two tbsp powdered sugar, and 1 tbsp honey.  It was both desert and breakfast today.  I’d be disappointed in myself, but it’s totally (almost) healthy.  I’m pretty sure the fruit at the bottom stuff of my normal greek yogurt is just about on par with a little sugar and honey, and the rest of it is just stuff I’d normally eat for breakfast.  Considering trying the next batch with splenda and going to splurge on Fage or Oikos instead of Greek Gods because it has way less protein.

Awesome Run!

So I was still miffed about my close encounter with my best mile time ever, and even though it was technically my easy run day, I decided to give it another go.  I ran the first mile at 5.5 (about 11 min/mile).  I started the second mile at 7.5 instead of 7.0 and worked my way up 0.1 every fifteenth of a mile and it actually worked well until the end where I just went balls out the last 0.2 anyway.  I finished with a time of 7:35!  Best mile time ever!  Wahooo!  I wasn’t even completely spent and I ran my cooldown mile around 10 min/mile.

By the way – my second best time was in junior high school, I think I was about 13.  I ran only one mile, at 7:50, and was between puking and passing out at the end of it.  Next stop – under 7 minutes.  I know I can do it.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be running a 10 min/mile after it, but I think it’s possible.

Awesome in General!

I’m going to ignore that the scale said 155.2 this morning and that’s my low weight for the week so far.  I’m going to ignore that our wedding is 40 some days away and there is still so much to do.  I’m going to enjoy my happy day and the wonderful feeling of stress not bothering me one bit, thank you very much.

Rock on with your Fridays, and have a wonderful weekend.  What do you have to feel awesome about today?  I wanna hear about all the awesome!

Overcompensation?

Things are still about 85% cuh-ray-zee at work but wanted to check in and make sure y’all knew I wasn’t going off the grid here.  Hopefully I can resume a semi-normal posting schedule soon but hey, what IS a normal posting schedule up in here?  I was aiming for at least M/W/F.  Oh well.  I am here now, and should probably stop wasting precious words blathering about posting in my post.  Oooh, recursive.

Anyhoo, a recap of last week, and what’s shaking in Quix-life this week.

Last Week Wrap Up:

Hello, dinner course on Sunday.  Dont you look delicious.  Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, so dont judge me (too much).

Hey there, dinner course, you look delicious. Hey, those are half taters and caliuflower, don't judge (too much).

Last week, I ate an average of 1825 calories tracked per day.  I’m going to go ahead and tack on an extra 100 per day with the nibble of this, sip of that habit I have and say 1925.   This was not on accident.  Iput things in my mouth such as an 800 calorie sandwich, 3 servings of potato/corn chips in ONE DAY (and with dip), a sugary alcoholic beverage or 2, and a 3 course filet and crab meal dripping with butter.  So much for after-vacation repentantance, huh?

However, I increased my activity.  Instead of my 417 per day I aimed to burn, I was all the way up at 742.  I did 6 full workout days with at least 30 mins moderate/intense cardio on 5 of them.  I did 3 full weights sessions.  It was a good workout week.

1925 – 742 = 1183 calories.  Oops.  Considering I should be ingesting just over 2000 calories to sit on my butt all day, that might be a little too much of a deficit.  1000 calories is the absolute line, but 800 calories per day is pretty close.  Before I added up the numbers, I was thinking “geez, why did I eat so much, I had a horrible week, I should have busted my butt in the gym more…etc”.  It’s becoming apparent that I must have mistreated my body during half training if I feel like I’m eating too much NOW when I’m training way less.  Next time I will track food but it will probably be a matter of making myself eat more healthy food than I feel like I should.

This week the goal is a little LESS food and a little LESS workouts.  I’d like to bring the ratio to 750 or less also (that is, in theory, 1.5 lbs lost in a week).

The zone ratio this week – epic fail.  Closest I got was 27/26/47 and the weirest ones were 6/19/63 or 12/50/38.  I don’t think it’s in the cards anytime soon for me to eat 40/30/30 effortlessly, but it’s not a horrible idea to work towards it, the way I naturally eat is very carb heavy because I love my fruits and veggies and starches and think meat should be used in between bread/tortillas/etc or on top of salads, stir fries, curries, etc.  I love beef jerky and turkey pepperoni as snacks, and it feels rather sinful to mow down almonds and pistachios, but I find that while I’m satisfied, I’m not satiated and want something carby with it as well.  It’s all about finding a balance.

Last week’s high weight was 157.6 and last week’s lowest weight was 154.6.  I’m going to start tracking both.

Non-Obsessive Fitness Related Stuff:

As for the other stuff in this here post, things have mostly resolved themselves.  Zliten got his offer letter today and starts on August 31st.  The salary, though not the ridiculous money he was making before, is better than expected so that’s a bonus!  It is a relief and came just in time.  It will suck a bit to have to wait about 1 month to get a second income coming in so the savings will take a small hit, but considering it’s temporary – I can’t complain.  And we can finally work to replensh it after that!

The work stuff – while there are still fires burning, things are settling down well.  Coming in at this stage of a project is actually nice because I’m more involved and can contribute to the direction, instead of just feeling like a secratary while the big boys get to play.  It’s nice.  It’s – as always- a work in progress I’ll have to keep vigilant about, but I think this is going to be a good learning experience here for me instead of a disaster, which my initial reaction was last week.

What Now?

This week, she is a busy one.  I’m plowing through insane amounts of documents at work (trying to archive 3 years worth of stuff).  I posted my second best mile time EVAR today at 8 minutes flat.  I could have done it in less time (I wasn’t completely wasted after), but I miscalculated (I start slower at the beginning and then work up – so while I should have started around 8:15ish I started at 8:30 pace).  Next time!   Today we are going out after work for the August Yelp Elite party (organic BBQ and organic Vodka and live music?  Yes plz!) and going to pop the champagne and celebrate Zliten’s jobiness.

Then – it’s all wedding all the time.  47 days until it.  Yikes!  We are working on registry stuff at Penney’s,

These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

These shoes are the trifecta of awesome, just cross your fingers they work with the dress...

Target, and Amazon.  You’d be surprised how hard it is to do this – I decide, “Ok, I want some luggage.”  Then it takes me an hour to pick out the one piece I want and read reviews and such.  Zliten during this time has added 40 things.  So it’s been a long, slow process.

Sunday, I was fortunate enough to find shoes.  They were cute, comfortable, and on sale.  Now, I’m crossing my fingers that they match the dress and we’re solid.  I also grabbed some silk flowers from the craft store and am trying to wrap my head around how I want them in my hair.  I’m hoping to make them myself because they are so freaking expensive online.  Clip+silk flower != 50 bucks in my world.  I have a bracelet, I need a necklace and earrings, spanx, and am looking for a tropical-ish brooch possibly to go on the front of the dress.  I think I’ve nixed the veil idea although I wouldn’t mind something similar/in place of it.  Maybe a colored, super short veil?  Maybe I go with a flower crown and do ribbons?  Lots to think about, but it’s getting put together.  Next month we start talking with the site and getting all that dealt with – though they assured us they do tropical themed weddings all the time so it wouldn’t be a problem.  Hope that’s as easy breezy as they say it will be.

Beyond that, I’m just going to try to get through the week alive and enjoy the ride.  I miss your blogs, and hope to catch up on them soon.  Any wedding tips?  Doing something cool this week?

Page 182 of 218

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén