Adjusted Reality

Another “Stream of Conciousness” Post.  No guarantees whether it will be coherent or worthy, but up here it be goin’!

Sitting at work here, waiting to get the latest data for what I’m working on (which is about a short blog’s worth of time), I was thinking about work.  No, not my specific work to my employer’s dismay, but work and employment in general.

When I was little, I was exposed to a lot of cool things – so I never really had that_one_dream_job a lot of kids have growing up.  I loved my art classes, so I wanted to be an artist.  I loved gymnastics, so I wanted to be an elite gymnast and maybe a coach later.  I loved doing plays, so I wanted to be a famous actress.  I loved my dance classes, so I wanted to be a dancer.  I loved math and logic, so I wanted to be a math teacher.  I thought waitresses had awesome uniforms and thought it was awesome they could carry trays above their heads, so I wanted to be a waitress.  I loved to write, so I wanted to be a novelist.  I loved singing, so I wanted to be a rockstar.  So on, and so forth.

As I got older, some things fell off as dreams while others stayed.  When my body started falling apart and I quit doing gymnastics, I also started coaching kids.  That was the most demanding 20 bucks a week I have ever earned in my life, and I realized I wasn’t that into it.  I would always just want to be DOING and feel resentful that I was just coaching.  I waited tables through college and still to this day thank my lucky stars I have moved on.  Cool uniform and leet tray skills or not – working in a restaurant servicing picky customers and dealing with catty coworkers and asshole managers is not worth the short hours and potentially awesome tips (plus some days, the tips were very un-awesome).

My first year of college I tried exploring the actress, artist, and writer paths.  My major started as education (due to the myriad of awesome teachers I had in my school career, I wanted to follow in their footsteps), and I was looking for a minor.  The first art class I had turned me off completely on art at the college level.  My instructor – who was also the department head – had one rule in his class.  Everything had to be perfect.  One super glue line on the paper sculpture he had us make (required to be only using white paper and geometric shapes)?  Grade: B.  I did not want to deal with that schmuck for 4 years so art went out the window.  I took some creative writing classes and was always the star of the class (I know, what happened, right?) but the sheer amount of old literature classics I would have to dig through to minor made me cry – so there went my english minor.

Theatre however, was fantastic.  The first class was interesting, but the teacher let us know about auditions for the college theatre company.  On a lark, I auditioned, and I was in!  I caught the bug hard and did plays either on stage or worked backstage every single year.  I was able to fulfill a minor with mostly acting classes (and very little technical theatre which I was less interested in), so there I was.  Now, I just had to figure out my major.

I knocked out most of my basic classes the first year and took the first education class the second year.  It was so awful, and I found out what teachers made as starting salaries, and realized I didn’t have the passion for it I thought.  College professor – maybe.  So, the same semester, I took a psychology class and it fascinated me, so I changed my major.  After some great classes, I decided I wanted to stay in and get my PhD and do research (I loved the labwork).  Then, after a horrible process getting my honors thesis done, I decided I never wanted to go to school again and I’d take my chances with the job world after graduation.

My plan was to wait tables for a year then go back to grad school.  Getting a job as a waitress is harder than it looks when you have a degree – everyone thinks you’ll just leave when you get a real job.  The next part is history – got into the gaming industry (which I think I detailed before but if not, it’s a post for another time), and here I am.

I tried to pursue the admin part of the job (operations type things – being on call if something goes wrong at late hours and getting it fixed), I tried to pursue web design and art (those poor people that I kept sending my comics and resumes to when I worked at SOE…), and then finally fell in love with where I ended up – as main bannana on a little game where I could put my varied talents to use.  I was able to use my writing skills, to a lesser extent my art skills, my not-shy-to-get-up-in-public-and-make-an-ass-of-myself skills from theatre, and my logic skills trying to become one with schedule-fu and finding the most efficient and bang-for-the-buck way to do things.  It also piled a billion pounds on me and ate my life, but I can’t even hate it for that.

Now – I’m out of the limelight.   I am one of many on a team that has put out a pretty darn successful game, and instead of running the show – my boss’s boss is the one getting recognized (as he should be, it was his baby).  Some days, it gets me down.  It’s like being the only child that gets all the attention, and then your mom has triplets, and you’re all of a sudden chopped liver.  However, it’s made me realize something very important.  To be the best at something – to even attempt to be truly great at a young age – you must give your life to it.  You have to choose something.  If I would have picked gymnastics, I might have been in the olympics, or at least at a top college and then perhaps a world renoun coach/choreographer.  If I chose being top bannana, I would still be there, working 100 hour weeks, consumed by the game and appeasing it’s followers, up at night wondering how we could add subscibers and solve problems, pursuing raises and title bumps, and eventualy continuing what I was doing on a new game.

I still dream about some of those things, though.  I kinda feel like I had my time to pursue art and failed, but I still get the urge to paint every once in a while.  Beading necklaces sorta fills the artsy fartsy void.  I started this blog to coax out the writing – I still have aspirations about doing a novel some day, and I have never stopped writing (be it paper and pen, content for work, content for my website, or just livejournaling.  I have aspirations about auditioning for plays again – Austin has a great theatre scene and I’m actually pretty well connected through work and contacts I’ve made doing the voice over stuff.  I am really and truly someday going to get a keyboard, a mic, and some sound editing software and give being a rockstar a go, since I never did that.

However, this all takes time.  Right now, I get up around 8 am and I’m not done training/working/eating dinner until close to 830-9pm.  Then I have 2 hours to relax, and I get my stuff ready, go to bed, and do it again.  On the weekends, I have friends, fiance, and family that feel neglected during the week and want to hang out.  There’s laundry and groceries to get and meals to plan.  There is the ever-so-coveted bike ride adventures, ice skating, rock climbing, waterpark going, and other fun stuff.  In the background there is a to do list with stuff that rarely gets done.

So, at the heart of it, my life is so balanced, I don’t have time to excel at anything.  I work essentially middle management in a really fun industry for a successful game making a decent, living wage, but I leave work at work when my 40 hours are up.   I have great friends and family close to me who are always wanting to see me when I have time.  Plus, I make it a priority to keep myself healthy through workouts and food planning/preperation (though most of the cooking and cleaning is done by the fiance, I admit).  I am too busy being happy to be bothered being a rockstar right now.   And – I’m slowly becoming OK with that.

So I’ve realized that I have been a little hesitant to post here because I’m having issues coming up with *big* *important* *worthy* topics like I want to.  I have a post cooking about willpower.  I have a post cooking about my adventures in breakfast.  I just haven’t had the brain waves needed to put together much of a coherent thought.  I think I’m at the point of training where my brain is being eaten by running, so I just haven’t had much else to share.  So, I’m going to treat this blog as more of a journal for a few weeks – just let loose and get down what’s rattling around in my head.  So here goes!

I just signed up yesterday for the half marathon.  Somehow, it all seems more REAL and by that I mean SCARIER.  Not as if I haven’t been training for it and had it in my sights, but somehow paying that money and putting my name down makes something different.  13.1 miles?  In the Summer?   In San Antonio?  Argh…what was I thinking.  At least I did 9.3 miles in the heat Monday and I survived.

However, I am alreadyinsane and planning to start training in the fall (after a nice long summer break) for one in Austin in Jan or Feb.  I’m thinking one more half and then I might consider a full.  If my body hasn’t completely fallen apart and I haven’t learned to hate running yet, that is.  I thought I’d get really bored and find the long runs tedious, but they’ve been anything but that.  I’ve found that it’s a great balance of time to reflect about things that are going on, and sometimes it’s great to just push myself, clearing my mind, and only concentrate on the act of moving my body forward with all effort I can gather.

Since I’m about 3.5 weeks out, I’m already putting together the plan over the summer for workouts after the race.  I don’t want to quit running altogether, but I’m thinking like 2 runs a week, one short and fast and one medium, and maybe a long run once a month so I don’t completely lose my ability to go far.  I want to up the weight training.  Also – a surprise which will be the main part of the July “experiment”.  I swear, the anticipation of doing something new is sometimes better than actually doing it.

Cuz now, I’m counting down the days.  15.5 more workouts until the race and I’m done running crazy for a while.  2 more long runs, 2 more cross training sessions, 4.5 more 5 mile runs + weights (weights tonight, ran this morning), 2 more tempo runs, 2 more track intervals, and 2 shorter runs (4 miles and 2 miles) the week of the race to taper.  Putting it like that, I just want to start running NOW and keep going so I can check more off the list, but I have also really learned the importance of rest and not overdoing it.

Well, apparently it was all racing on the brain.  Next time, I’m going to talk about something other than running!

I remember when I was 16, I spent a large amount of my time sitting in coffee shops, drinking pots full of the stuff, smoking cigarettes, and writing with my friends and musing about life.  I spent many-a-night that way.  Then, I realized – I was so busy writing about life, I wasn’t really out there experiencing it.  And so I went and experienced, and it was good!  I have always written, but it ebbs and flows.  Right now, it’s not flowing, so it’s definitely ebbing.

I guess my point is – things is crazy busy-like this week, and I have a pretty full weekend planned too, so I’m going to be on blog-atus until at least Tuesday.  This week I’ve ran a lot, celebrated birthdays, attended an ambassadorial mission to consume hors derves and makers mark, tried to learn how to be a decent wingman (and failed pretty badly), recorded a lot of peoples making purdy noises into the microphone, and today I just barely have a moment to plant my keister on the couch with my laptop and relax.  And it’s not even the weekend, where I start with my first double digit run (10 miles) before work and then have plans to hit the new bar for happy hour so I can be in their commercial, Saturday is shopping with a girlfriend to save her from other not-so-fun plans, Sunday is an epic trail ride and parental fun time, and Monday is a BBQ and a Yelp elite event at the wine bar with yummy food and wine.  I’m both exhausted and excited just thinking about it!

I don’t normally like to use this blog as a “this is what I did today/this week/etc” type place, but considering I’ve got too much going on to be super introspective, this is what you get this week.  Take it or leave it.  Have a wonderful holiday weekend and get out there and live.  Do something awesome, something you’ve been putting off, or just something fun that you can talk about around the water cooler (does anyone actually do that anymore) on  Tuesday.  The only thing stopping you is you.

So when I started this journey at 265 lbs I really doubted I would get very far, but damned if I wasn’t gonna try.  I had, basically, a few levels of “final goals”.  The first was under 200, because I hadn’t been there since college.  The second was 170, which was around what I weighed when Zliten and I started dating, and I felt like a supah fly honey.  150 was the weight where the scale said “hey, you’re normal”, though I’m pretty sure if I got the body fat test, I’d have been normal for a while.  125 was gymnast weight, and as low as I said I’d possibly want to go.

I passed 200 around my 29th birthday (March 2008), I passed 170 around August 2008, and now, I’m hanging out here around 150…and have been for a few months.  I set another arbitrary goal of 135 for myself – not quite gymnast weight, somewhere in the middle of normal BMI-land, and a perfectly reasonable thing to weight for a 5’5″ gal of the muscular persuasion.

However, it’s occured to me that maybe I’m done.  What’s the difference in weighing 150 and 135?  A pants size?  Is it going to magically flatten my belly?  Is it worth the hassle?  The guilt in the back of my head saying, “I know you’re eating to sustain yourself with all this training, but this would be the PERFECT time to just cut calories and lose lose lose super quick.  You can deal with the exhaustion and grumpies!   It’s temporary!   Just do it!”?  What is losing another 10/15/25 lbs going to do for me?  Am I going to only be able to run the distance I want if I shed more weight?  Otherwise, what does it matter besides the image in the mirror?

I’m still deciding, I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of trying to lose 15 more lbs once this half is over, but I’m considering it.  It’s still a very healthy weight for me, and in theory would take about a 3 month commitment to do.  However, I spent a lot of time looking around me at other people on vacation and realized how really not bad I am in the grand scheme of fitness.  It took being in a different setting and not seeing the same people in the same town.  I’ve just come back home with this confidence and good feeling about the way I look.  Physical fitness will be something I work to improve for the rest of my life, but there needed to be a point where I looked in the mirror most days and thought – “hawt”.  I might possibly just be there.

Now “hawt” does not equal perfect.  I can only rock a bikini top and swimsuit skirt bottom on the skinniest of days.  I still have this protrusion of flesh that sticks out above my belly button, and a pooch beneath it.  I can pick out my flaws, just like everyone can.  I’m sure even the size 00s complain about the lack of symnetry in their emaciated ribs or something.

“Hawt” does equal self confidence.  Maybe it’s just me being a superficial and horrible person, though I doubt it, but when I walk into a room, I want the consensus to be – “hawt”.  Now, being engaged to be married, I do not want to leverage that power in any real and physical way.  I simply want someone that first meets me to have a favorable opinion of my appearance.  Actually, I don’t even really care if they really do or not – I just need the confidence to THINK they do.  I’m starting to believe I’m there.

I guess the kicker is that when I had a great physique, I was too young and ackward to even consider that maybe someone thought I was attractive.  Also, I’m sure the coke bottle glasses and braces for a while didn’t help.  In my life, I have been lauded for my talents in many areas, my athleticism, my smarts, my career-saviness, my work ethic, my drive, and many other things.  I’m not just a bimbo looking for attention.  I have other things going for me besides a pretty face, a skinny waist, and some healthy knockers.  It just feels like full confidence in my physical appearance I’ve never had is the final piece of the puzzle on the way to world domination, ya know.

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I had to ramble.  The only thing I’m sure of is once I say I’m DONE – I’m actually done.  I really want to clear my head of the idea of losing weight.  I don’t want to say that I’m happy at 150 and then really secretly hope that the scale keeps going down.  They say an all or nothing attitude is bad, and I try to stay away from it in most areas, but this is one thing I cannot bend on.

How is your self-image today?  Do you remember a time (or are living it) where you walked in a room and felt powerful simply because of your physical attributes?  Is this a horrible thing to want?

If you haven’t seen this, go watch (SFW).

It got me thinking – I try to keep my status updates on facebook and twitter to a reasonable amount because, well, I don’t want to seem narcissistic and I really don’t think people care that I just took a crap or that I went to the kitchen and grabbed a plum to munch on.  However, I thought it would be a fun experiment to see what I’d write if I did.  Since I’m not going to subject my facebook or twitter friends to this, and I figure if you’re reading this, you’re more interested in my witty banter than the average bear, so it’s your own fault!

Quix:

is up too early.  Who gets up before 7:50 besides farmers?  (Yeah, I know but I can still bitch about it.) Argh. (7:50)

is dressed, geared up, mapping out her run route, and eating her pre-running otter pop. (8:00)

is finally out the door!  8 miles, ho! (8:15)

is back and soaked through and through with sweat.  That was rough!  How am I going to do 9 next week?  Felt good though. (9:40)

is dashing out the door, only a few minutes late.  Sans lipstick though, which will throw off my day. (9:53)

got to work a few minutes late, caught up on emails, got coffee and water.  Even threw in a little caf in my decaf to stave off an energy crash. (10:15)

is now mowing down a fiber one bar catching up on the internets while waiting for stuff to be done so she can get to work! (10:45)

now feels about 3 lbs lighter.  Don’t think about this one too hard.  Had to hand a lady back a button under the stall divider that fell off. (11:15)

is eating a plum and about to go harass the Soundland office and see how progress is progressing. (11:30)

is back.  Stuff for me to work on ready after lunch, audition still on at 2pm and now have a phone recording session at 2:30. (11:45)

is sooooo ready for pho!  And I even had it on Wednesday for dinner, but not at the usual spot! (noon)

is off to get some PHOOOOO!  I so love pho-ridays! (12:15)

is back from lunch.  I always feel so bad running my space heater in the office when it’s 90+ degrees outside, but it’s like a meat locker in here. (1:45)

is off to do an audition – that is, receive an audition, not give one.  Much nicer evaluating than being evaluated! (2:00)

is back.  Dude was pretty good!  I really liked his take on one of our characters.  It’s cool when actors are the ones with the good ideas. (2:20)

wonders if the male brain is just not wired to be good at packing… (2:40)

has just had her recording session cancelled (boo).  Bladder empty, water full, think imma head out for a smoke and then hunker down. (2:50)

is back.  I am so happy that running and smoking still just a little is not causing problems.  I would be so freaking grumpy… (3:10)

just found out that it was touch and go on the 4 day weekend (not mine since I’m out of town, but for everyone else) but stuff was deemed too minor to mess with.  Yay! (3:20)

is now in hunker-down, headphones on, implementer monkey mode.  The world needs to be ignored for a while! (3:30)

just had a thought.  If I could give one piece of advice to a young me or someone similar, it would be to take whatever they’re passionate about and pursue it.  Wholly.  Completely.  In a life consuming way.  Before they are too attached to standards of living and salaries and money.  Don’t wait.  Longer than a twitter I know.  Back to work. (3:45)

is not being ignored well today.  *Hides better* (4:00)

just realized after an hour or so of work that she was working out of the wrong branch of code.  Thx u awesome programmers for 1.  not yelling at me and 2. fixing it for me. (4:30)

is now alone in the office (my producer officemate just left).  I miss coming in and leaving early, but I also love running in the mornings. (4:45)

is done being a monkey!  Now, to Soundland to chat, get statuses of peopleses, and clear my head. (5:45)

is back.  Now, to listen to some offsite auditions and then duck out a lil earlyish. (6:15)

can take no more of this.  Shutting down shop and heading out to target to for trip shopping rq and then home to finish packing. (6:35)

is at Target, and has a shopping problem.  I go in for a few things and try on the whole store. (7:00)

doesn’t have as much of a problem as I thought.  Clothes-wise, came out with a pair of shorts (on list), red hoodie (not on list but 8 bucks), two pairs of sunglasses (one on list) and lipstick (on list). (7:30)

got everyone’s opinion and is keeping pair one of the sunglasses.  Brown, with studs on the side.  I will probably return the other black pair.  Maybe.  Ok, possibly I still have problems. (7:45)

is playing pool at the neighbors!  Won my first two games. (8:30)

has had a bit to drink, and lost game 3.  Yay for pizza!  I would feel guilty eating two slices of thin crust pepperoni and a meat lovers, but it’s less than what I burned today on the run and I haven’t eaten much (10:00)

…and, since I’m lazy, that concludes my day.  Up for the rest of the night is more hangin’ out, playing pool, cocktails (weak, since I am getting up tomorrow to run, yoga, and then finish packing and get thee to the airport on time), and sleeeeep.  In retrospect, it’s probably best that I have a twitter filter, and only tweet the notable and interesting stuff.  This is Quix, signing off, until next Wednesday.  Vegas, baby.  Yeaaaaaaah.

What are you up to this weekend?  Anything legendary?  Wanna convince me to tweet more (yeah, right).